F*** it Fridays
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“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”
Friday, June 17th, 2011 ISSUE 24
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SUMMER WEDDINGS
THE GREATEST PLACE TO BE
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FAT KIDS
AND WHY IT KIND OF RULES TO BE ONE
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An Ode to Fathers
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LOREN KRANZ OF THE RAGBIRDS OUR INTERVIEW WITH HIM
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THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIES A POEM BY A BRO
FRANK SORISE WROTE THIS Dads: strong, solid, and fearless. They are your guide, your rock, your leader...and if those descriptions don’t apply to your dad, then at least they’re half the reason you’re walking planet Earth. There are many significant moments in the relationship between father and child, but here are a few painfully vague moments I believe to be most memorable: Your birth: Yeah, none of you remember this day, but Dad sure does. And he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. While this magical miracle was going on, he was praying to God/Jesus/Allah/TomCruise/Buddah that it would end quickly.Your mother was writhing in pain as you fought your way out of the womb while your dad was trying to sneak a peek at the score of the game. When it was all said and done, your dad was happy it happened.He was mostly happy because you gave him a great reason to ditch your mom to get completely obliterated with his friends that night, but happy nonetheless. Little League: This was when you believed sports were going to be fun. Playing catch in the yard with dad when he got home from work was the highlight of your day.You loved playing Major League Baseball Featuring Ken Griffey Jr. on N64 and wanted to be just like him. However, unbeknownst to you, your dad missed playing in the game of his life due to a freak garden weasel accident in the summer of ‘73, and he has been determined to live his dream through you since you were old enough to swing. After your dad got arrested in a fit of drunken disappointment when you went 0-for-5 in your first tee ball game with 4 K’s and a foul out, you both decided that baseball was not your “thing.” Your first beer: This is supposed to be the quintessential example of father and son bonding, but it’s impossible to avoid the awkwardness and disappointment involved in it. Your dad says he wants you to have a beer with him. At first you are taken aback at his request, but of course, you ultimately accept. After your first sip, you drop the joke “Oh wow, so this is what beer tastes like…” Your dad chuckles
initially, but quickly realizes that the reason the joke is funny is because you’re only 18, have a DUI, and three open intox charges on your record. Five minutes in you realize that this is kind of awkward and you don’t know what’s an acceptable rate to drink your “first beer” at. Plus, you probably still feel a bit embarrassed about plugging your key into the side of the first one and shotgunning it.Yay, college. So, dads, this is to you. I think all of us can appreciate our dads in one way or another when we think about the shithead children we’ve all been at a time or two. Thank you for all of the talks, lectures, gifts, beatings, beers, checks, toys, weapons, drugs, pets, fun, care, compassion, hatred, and love you’ve provided us in our lives. Happy Father’s Day!
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Summer Weddings: The Place to Be JULIE ROSING WROTE THIS After college graduation, seniors begin to realize a lot of things, like that they need to find a job or find the perfect graduate school. Many of them begin racing full-speed ahead down the path to adulthood (which is really freaking scary). If you are like me, you have friends that are maturing faster than you, and have found the person that they want to spend the rest of their lives with. But just because you are still running around slutting it up rather than finding your soul-mate doesn’t mean you can’t attend all of these weddings and still have a baller time, right? Weddings have lots of awesome things! Delicious Food/Drink: What’s that you say? You are tired of eating Easy Mac and Ramen noodles? Well, if you are invited to a summer wedding, you are guaranteed at least one delectable meal. Whether they are serving champagne chicken or primerib, you will leave the reception with a full belly. Oh, did I forget to mention the booze? If the wedding offers the prospect of an open bar, thinking of the endless beer and wine selections available will make you giddy! Not only will your tummy be brimming, but also your head will be spinning…the ideal combination. Old School Dancing: There are very few occasions in which it is appropriate for people in our age bracket to slow-dance. College kids do not waltz at frat parties, greek formals, or the bars. Grinding is pretty much all that we know. But at a wedding, it is perfectly kosher to bust out the honed polka skills that you picked up at manners class in eighth grade. What is more attractive than a guy that actually wants to spin and twirl you around instead of just having you back that ass up? So, if you feel the desire to be shimmying around on your back on the dance floor to the song “Shout” while the lyrics say a little bit softer now…a little bit softer now…then by all means do it.
Hot single people: If the wedding you are attending includes individuals under the age of 25, then there is a very high chance that members of the wedding party and guests will be single and, more than likely, looking to get laid. Ladies at weddings dress to impress with fancy up-dos, dark eye make-up, and satin dresses. The guys are in their finest suits of navy and black, attempting to look sharp and sophisticated. They are all looking their best and looking to take home a not-so-special somebody that they probably found out on the dance-floor or possibly at the bar. So, when you receive your invitation, and start getting depressed about how you have no wedding-date, instead start envisioning all of the possibilities for hot wedding hook-ups! Many other aspects of weddings are attractive, such as how sweet it actually is to see two people declare incredible love for one another (try not to be a jealous bitch). Or the fact that there is a giant cake available for you to chow on in case you do not meet the man of your dreams at the reception. Either way, weddings are the way to spend your summer if you are presented with invitations. Keep dreaming of your own big day, ladies. Until then, go get drunk and make a toast to your newlywed friends!
ACCEPTABLE MEN’S SUMMER FASHION GRACE HAKA WROTE THIS THERE’S NOTHING WORSE than seeing a man wearing the biggest fashion don’ts of the summer.You might think that you are super original and cute with your camouflage cargo shorts and blue crocs with a tiny plastic Chewbacca ‘jibbitz’ in one of the holes, but you’re not. In fact, you and your matching twin brother are one of the reasons why stores like Hollister stay in business. And yes, that’s a bad thing. Don’t fret, however, because there are things that you can put on that not-in-butnot-out of shape body to make the girls go wild. Alright, let’s go from head to toe. Trucker hats are not okay. Try to stick to a normal baseball or golf hat; and if you’re wearing a visor (which you shouldn’t be) make sure it’s not on upside down and backwards... For the love of God, please just don’t
do that. When it comes to sunglasses, try to keep it classic. Sure, that pair of neon yellow flip-up shades you got from that Arab vender outside the mall might be fun for the dubstep concert you’re going to, but please don’t wear them anywhere else. Try a nice pair of aviators or classic wayfarers. Simple yet sophisticated shades can be very sexy. Ahh, here we go, the torso. Rule number one: I realize that it is summer, but keep your shirt on if you’re not at the beach. You’re not the shirtless legend himself, Matthew McConaughey. You’re not cute, put your shirt on. Acceptable shirts for men during the summer include: pocket tees, fraternity letter tees, lax jerseys (if you have ever actually played, which you probably haven’t), polo shirts, and button downs. Please notice how
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I’M HAPPY ABOUT BEING THE FAT KID
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MICHAEL TENGEL WROTE THIS
I’ll start out by saying that being the fat kid is not all sunshine and Twinkies. Being the fat kid in grade school can really suck. But once you make it through grade school, you are free and clear to enjoy all the benefits of being pleasantly plump. However, the first step in really basking in this gift is embracing it. Stop sucking in your gut and wearing dark colors all the time; you’re fat and denying it won’t make you magically drop 40 pounds and get a six pack. This is your identity and unless you’re actually planning on working out six times a week like you’ve been saying for three years (not an option for the truly dedicated fat kid), you’ll be living with this for a while. Might as well learn how to get the most out of it: You automatically have a lifelong bond with fellow fat guys: Especially in college, all that’s required for a friendship is mutual obesity. You bond over all the shit you took in grade school and how that evolved into chronic beer drinking. Ask a fellow fatty if he’s ever eaten at your favorite restaurant on campus and suddenly you’re engaged in a half hour heart-toheart about your favorite sloppy joes in the city.
No one expects you to “get in shape” for beach season: There’s that couple weeks before beach season every year when people start freaking out because they realize they are going to have to drop some weight so they can look extra hot in their bathing suits. This is based on the belief that you really have to “wow” people’s expectations with your washboard stomach. No one expects to be wowed by the fat guy. They just like to have him around to drink beer and crack jokes. Every group needs one: Think of your group of friends. How many skinny/in-shape kids are in that group? Probably the majority. Skinny kids are a dime a dozen. But most groups have only one fat, goofy kid. The market for being a tubby college kid is fantastic. If you’re starting to feel that you don’t have a group of friends that accepts you, start shoveling down pizza and Twinkies and you’ll be surrounded by 10 toothpick friends in no time.
You get the last piece of pizza by default: You get blasted and order a pizza with 10 slices to split with 3 of your friends. You each throw down 3 pieces and then you’re faced with the all-too familiar scenario of everyone eyeing the straggler piece wondering about the next move. However, as the fat guy in the school, everyone assumes you’ll end up going for it. Which you gladly will. You’re automatically funny: Ever had a really fat friend drop a lot of weight? It’s awful. They go from really funny to really fucking annoying in an instant. There’s something about all this fat jiggling around while the individual does some stupid impression that makes it hysterical. Once that extra weight is gone, so is any sense of humor. If you’re finding your jokes are falling flat, put on 50 pounds; it will do wonders for the crowd reaction. graphic t-shirts with skulls and lions, white ribbed tank tops and message shirts (we know gingers have no souls, but I don’t want to read it on your shirt) were not on that list. When it comes to the bottom half of a man, there are many acceptable options for clothing. It actually would be easier to name the two things that are never, and I mean NEVER, going to be cute on a man. Ready? Jorts and Speedos. If you think you’re hipster, hillbilly, or crafty enough to pull of Jean-shorts, then you are wrong. Always wrong.Your wearing jorts is practically guaranteeing that the only thing that will rub against your bits and pieces is the denim itself. Speedos, on the other hand, may be popular overseas, but this is America: Home of hating and judging men that wear tiny Speedos. Finally, we can talk about your feet. If you want that little piggy to go wee-wee-wee all the way to your home, than you better be rockin’ some fly kicks. Classic boat shoes are always a perfect and classy option for footwear. If you’re the hippie type I will accept Tom’s shoes, but only because it’s for a good cause. And if you’re wearing flip-flops you better be a lifeguard, be in a public shower, or at the beach. If you’re the guy wearing those leather woven-like platform sandals or those Velcro strappy hiking shoes, then yes, you have succeeded to properly remind me of my pit-stained middle school music teacher.You will never hear a girl say, “Wow,Velcro really turns me on,” so just don’t wear it. Hopefully the guy out there with his frosted tips, backwards and upside down visor, white thick rimmed sunglasses, graphic tee, jorts, and mandals sees this so he can understand why girls cross to the other side of the street so that they don’t have to be nose-raped by his Axe body spray. Seriously, dude, did you bathe in that crap? It’s not that hard to figure out the things that a man should never wear. Keep this simple rule in mind: If Jon Gosselin or ‘The Situation’ has worn it, then don’t.
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THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: Loren Kranz of the Ragbirds JESSICA SOMMERS WROTE THIS The Ragbirds are a folk-rock band that can make you think and in the next instant make you dance. This female-led, 5-piece band from Ann Arbor, Michigan has been around for six years and has been continuing to grow, playing festivals around the country including the upcoming Electric Forest in Rothbury, Michigan. We got to chat with the 23-year-old drummer, Loren Kranz, about touring in a van run off of deep-fried spring rolls (kind of), the drummer groupie scene, and doing what he loves to do – play music. The Black Sheep: So tell us a little bit about how you got involved with The Ragbirds. Loren Kranz: I was playing with a band called Sound Hound in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area, with a former member of The Ragbirds. I heard through a mutual friend that The Ragbirds were looking for a drummer. So I got in touch with them, set up an audition and couple weeks later they called me back and I got the gig. I was very excited about it. They just play so much, which is what I was really trying to do. TBS: Talking about touring, what’s your favorite thing about going on the road? Are you on the road for many weeks at a time? LK: Sometimes. This spring we were on the road for three weeks in the Southeast US, then we got back home and two days later we took off for the Northeast and played ten days out there, so that was kind of like one tour because we were home for maybe 60 hours, which is pretty crazy. TBS: Do you guys have a big ballin’ charter bus? LK: No, not yet. We have a Ford Econoline van that we’re on, and then we have a trailer that we haul. The van is actually pretty cool. It runs on weight vegetable oil. It does run on diesel, but we do have two weight veggie tank, so we stop at an Arby’s or a Thai restaurant or something, any place with good oil like corn oil or soy-bade oil. If they’re willing to take some of it out of their grease trap, because it’s just waste for them, we can fuel our way across the country. It’s pretty cool, and The Ragbirds is one of the first bands in Michigan to do it. It ends up cutting down our carbon footprint by about 90%. TBS: What’s the role of the drummer in a band? Do you have any part in the songwriting process or creating any of the songs? LK: Our lead singer and front woman Erin Zindle writes all of the songs. A lot of the time she will write the songs in rehearsal and we start flushing out the parts on our own instruments. As the drummer, it’s all about playing just the right part for the song, not playing too much or showing off what you can do on your instrument. I think a good musician has a lot more to do with playing what needs to be played. TBS: Any sick drum solos? LK: Well, we usually end our shows with this African drum piece where everyone on stage grabs a drum or a
shaker or a whatever, and then everyone takes solos on the Djembe, the African hand drum. It’s pretty hard to take the energy higher than a big drum jam. It’s a lot of fun and the festival crowds love it. TBS: What’s the drummer groupie scene like? LK: Well, it is hard to compete with the lead guitar for sex appeal, you know what I mean? But we do have a lot of fans around the Midwest that end up come to our shows [repeatedly], and I end up seeing familiar faced in the crowds now. I’ll be like “Okay, we’re going to Columbus, Ohio so I know I’m going to see this person,” and they’re just our friends now. TBS: What most excites you about playing Electric Forest this year? LK: Any festival I go to, it’s first and foremost about the music. There’s so many great bands playing, I’m really excited to see Galactic, The Macpodz, who are from Ann Arbor, That One Guy puts on a great solo show. Also the Glow-in-the-dark disc golf course! The Ragbirds actually sell disc golf discs that glow in the dark so it’s perfect for us, it’s like they knew we were coming. I’ll definitely hit that up one night. TBS: If you had any superpower, what would you want it to be? LK: Hmm… probably X-Ray vision. I don’t really know why, it seems fun. Actually, no. Super hearing. TBS: Yes, I think super hearing would be a bit more practical. Last question; drink of choice? LK: Newcastle Brown Ale. Nothing better at a festival than a bottle of that.
Report Card Name: Starring:
Movie Review Super 8
A
Kyle Chandler, Elle Fanning, Joel Courtney
Overview: I’m going to start out with a fairly bold statement: Super 8 is a perfect summer movie. It’s neither a sequel nor a superhero movie. It’s not a remake nor boasts any major celebrity cast. But this film clearly proves that the quintessential summer blockbuster formula isn’t all that it takes to truly strike gold this season. It’s got action, mystery, romance, and most importantly, emotion. Genius writer-director J.J. Abrams, creator of groundbreaking sci-fi’s like Lost and the Star Trek reboot, encompasses all of these elements fantastically in his nostalgia-driven homage to the super 8 films he used to make with his friends in his youth.
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Brewery: Name:
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Beer Review
Founders Brewing Co. Curmudgeon Old Ale
B
The Beginning: This one came highly recommended from my sources at the fancy-pants liquor store, as a barleywine style ale that has good taste and a smooth mouth feel. Since this is the review that will go up on my birthday, I’m kicking the celebration off with a high-dollar, (hopefully) high-quality brew. And besides, I’m starting to feel more and more curmudgeonly, although I’m still young at heartthis may become my signature brew. Interesting note- I would have sworn since I first saw the bottle I would have guessed this is “Old Curmudgeon.” According to the web site I was wrong.
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THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIES
BROETRY KING WROTE THIS
Omaha deserves a great tip of the hat For an incredible place called Rosenblatt.
Drink a bottled water, the essence of purity. Then pull out a beach ball to piss off security.
Baseball fans gathered here every June To start grilling and drinking well before noon.
You’re tired as fuck; there’s no time for rest though. You need a big burger and ice cream from Zesto.
There’s bratwursts, and burgers, and even some gumbo. There’s the Henry Doorly Zoo, with elephants like Dumbo.
Refreshed and recharged, its time to drink more. Head straight to a bar or a liquor store.
All day at the beer gardens getting bombed.com Drinking with strangers, and your best friend’s mom. The College World Series brings us all together. And the baseball prevails through all types of weather. Parking is an absolute cluster fuck. And if you don’t like baseball you’re shit out of luck. The lines are long, and the sun is swelt’ring. Holy shit, I think my Dip N’ Dots are melting. Watch diving catches and clutch home runs. And show the hot ladies your sick-wit-it guns. I love slamming pieces from schools down south. And those west coast sluts love my dick in their mouth. But more than anything I love watching each game. Seeing moments of glory, and moments of fame. You’re sweating your dick off and ultra bombed-nation So its time to get a little hydration.
Party all day and party all night. The College World Series is quite a sight. But this year is a new stadium, and it’s quite a shame. The College World Series will never be the same. Rosenblatt is more than just a name. And its memories will remain an undying flame. But as we move on, some things won’t change. There’s a magic that’s here, it’s kind of strange. There will still be drag bunts and double plays We will still watch baseball for twelve straight days. There will still be food stands from Omaha Steaks. The sun will still burn you, and your skin still flakes. Omaha will still unite people of all kinds. We will still get bombed right out of our minds. Omaha will always be college baseball town. So skip a week of work and come on down.