F-It Friday Week 25

F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, June 24th, 2011 ISSUE 25

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FIVE THINGS WE HATE

WE’RE SURE YOU’LL AGREE

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GET A HOT BIKINI BOD

LOOK LIKE LINDSAY!

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SPORTS PHRASES SOUND DIRTY TEN SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS

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RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BETTER THAN BRATWURST!

Summer Pool Etiquette CLEVES WROTE THIS I’m going to go ahead and dive into this article by saying that the pool is not for everyone (pun intended). Although it’s the summer and everyone’s talking about all the frat brahs walking around The Arc pool deck, or the drunk girls passed out face first in the water at Roland, or that time when Fink popped a floating device... it simply isn’t the place for everyone. That being said, there’s a little something called pool etiquette that I’d like to discuss, because quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of seeing people’s pubic hair exploding out of their bikinis. More than just etiquette, it’s the do’s and dont’s of attending a fun-filled water establishment.

You know, to make the world a more comfortable place for everyone.

Do wear sexy swimwear The reason why God created pools was because they allow and encourage hot babes to wear as little as possible. And then, God created Victoria’s Secret, so that those hot babes could look even hotter with their tits

pushed up to their necks and smothered in polka dots.

And then God created cold water so that all the boys could hide their little boners more effectively. If you’ve got a bangin’ body, there’s no better place to show it off than at the pool. So go on and get yourself one-a dem thong thingies and wear the shit outta it (Pretend that I’m your friend’s creepy dad saying that to you).

Don’t play Marco Polo Out of all of the awesome aquatic games to play, Marco Polo is by far the worst. First of all, it’s just a more annoying version of tag, and tag is pretty annoying. Not only are your eyes closed, but also your maneuvering in the water in general is not that simple. And then things just get weird when you’re flailing your arms around trying to catch someone, and you accidentally grab an old lady’s wet, saggy boob. You get a slap in the face, chaos ensues, and then the game’s over, and nobody wins. Now chicken fights, those are a different story!

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Do wear an oversized white t-shirt in the water if you’re a fatty Look, I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is. Everyone deserves to take a dip, especially in the scorching heat, but some people just need to wear more clothing than others. I really don’t know what else to say. I mean, you’re not alone. People wear those big white tees at pools all the time! It’s almost, like, becoming cool!

Don’t come near the pool if you’re pregnant Forget what I said about everyone deserving to take a dip. This does not include pregnant bitches. I don’t care what anyone says about a baby bump being “beautiful” or “a miracle”, if you’re in college, chances are, that baby bump was an accident. Not to mention, kinda gross looking in person. Instead of flaunting that protruding belly button of yours, you should be sitting in a dark, cold basement reading baby magazines and rubbing cocoa butter on your huge nipples.

Do put on sunscreen What? Sunscreen is like, sooooo lame. Well, you won’t be saying that when you need to get a giant green mole removed. Cancer sucks, people! Also, the only thing

worse than being blindingly pale is being as red as a lobster. When I see people sunburnt as hell and peeling everywhere, I just point and laugh, then slap them as hard as I can in their most burnt area. A little SPF never hurt anyone, ya know! Especially you gingers out there.

Don’t poop in the pool A little incident at my local swim club circa 2003 along with a scene from Caddy Shack basically scarred me for life. And really, I’m not sure who wouldn’t be completely grossed out by a big turd floating and disintegrating in the water. There’s absolutely no excuse for crapping in the pool, unless you’re a newborn, and even that’s unacceptable in my book. I am, however, all for peeing in the water; the chlorine will suck that right up! At least that’s what I’ve been told...but pooping? C’mon now, have some decency.

The list goes on and on, but these are just some of your basics. If you at least can’t get these right, then I suggest you take yourself elsewhere. I don’t know, get a membership to the YMCA or something. As for the rest of you...go get yourself wet! Then jump in the pool.

Five Things

I Hate

EVAN VANDERWERKER WROTE THIS Let’s chat my loyal readers; readers that are always eager to click my stories and indulge themselves with hilarious hilarity before the instant disappointment in knowing that you must wait another week before you experience something this good again.

It’s frustrating, I know. But, having more fans than the “ceiling” aisle of Lowes, it’s hard for me to always connect with all of my readers. How have I decided to compensate this inherent desire for interpersonal attention, you ask, in a less pretentiouslyeloquent way? I bring you a list of five things that drive me (and yourselves alike) so crazy, I just can’t sleep. (You know starting out with an unrecognizable Britney Spears reference is a great sign!)

1) I hate it when people sing happy birthday to me. You know how it is. You’re trying to enjoy the TGI Friday’s dinner paid for by your parents and while inhaling your California Club sandwich (you were feeling daringly “hip” on your special day), the waitress comes over with a group of overworked and underpaid coworkers to sing their speedy rendition of the birthday song. You’re left with nothing to do but your best attempt to not make eye contact with anyone. While the concept of being serenaded by a bunch of tone-deaf teenagers sounds fun, I would much rather them honor my birthday with an once-in-a-lifetime timely refill or by bringing the A1 Steak Sauce to the table with my 12-ounce without me having to ask. No, I do not need anything else with my steak; I actually want my birthday dinner to taste like you took a frozen T-bone, threw it in a microwave for half an hour, put it on an almost-completely-cleaned plate, and served it to me.

2) I hate it when people forward me e-mails. “Forward this to nine people in the next hour and a life will be saved.” Take a second to do the math on how many hypothetical things there are that should of happened to you

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Tips For a Hot Bikini Bod LEANNE JOHNSON WROTE THIS Summer is finally here and some of us have found that we’re not as slim as we were before The Great Winter of 2011. All winter long people scarfed down whole Hot n’ Ready pizzas and dozens of Dunkin’ Donuts, attempting to keep themselves warm in the harsh Michigan weather. However you gained the weight, (some from several drunken nights binge eating or due to the fact that you have just birthed your first bastard child), that extra flab can come off with a few simple tricks.

Sketchers Shape-Ups Finally a way for Kim Kardashian to lose weight with methods that don’t rhyme with julimia or bliposuction. Kim, (a strong supporter of this product), claims that by wearing these shoes made for geriatrics, your legs and butt will be as toned as hers (if that’s how you want to describe it). For those of you stupid enough to take health advice, or any advice for that matter, from this woman-- have at it.

Cocaine Now this is some great advice! It works for the Olsen twins, so why wouldn’t it work for an average citizen? Well, probably because it’s expensive as hell and extremely illegal. However, side effects include reduced appetite, so the pounds should just melt off. There are also a few other pesky side effects, such as erratic nosebleeds and cardiac arrest, but a small price to pay for a smoking hot beach bod.

Jenny Craig Have y’all seen Kristie Alley lately? Oh wait, she is still fat…

However, she still claims this is a nice way to lose some extra pounds while still being able to microwave all your food. Therefore, you can still be as lazy as possible. Three minutes and you got yourself a prime rib! Sounds wholesome to me.

Hydroxycut Ron, from Jersey Shore, uses this (and steroids) to get his buff

bod, so the general public should as well.

However, If you lose more than 30 pounds in one week, I would suggest to stop using the product and go to the ER immediately.

But in most scenarios, this is a surefire way to completely sabotage your metabolism and win Sammi Sweetheart back for good.

Laxatives High school girls use these pills a few weeks before prom to shape up, so why not do it all year round? The only drawback is you will be shitting your pants like my aunt Shelley after Sloppy Joe night. So, for those of you who want to try this, pick up a pack of Depends and be on your way.

Eat healthy and exercise This is the most inconvenient and slowest way to get that bikini body. No one wants to spend hours at the gym and only eat lettuce to lose a mere 1-2 pounds a week. That’s just silly.

Some of these methods may seem extreme, but you know what they say… no pain, no gain. And by “pain,” they mean out of control bowel movements, awkward fitting shoes, and making yourself look like a total ass clown working out at the gym for hours a day. Good luck, fatties!

when you somewhat trusted such imaginary ridiculousness. By my count, I should have had the hottest girl in school ask me to 16 school dances, I supposedly saved three lives (I counted the Jefferson twins as two), and helped soccergirl_49 keep her pet hamster. I still have yet to receive a thank you note.

3) I hate it when people in movies don’t say “goodbye” to each other on the phone. They just hang up, and not at appropriate times either. I feel like if I was talking to Liam Neeson on a phone telling him something along the lines of “You have 96 hours to find your daughter,” and after that dramatic 15 seconds of silence while he contemplates his next move he, without saying a word, hung up on me, the camera should at least cut back to my confused face before I said “He didn’t let me finish. I know where she is.” Hello, readers! This is a Taken reference! It would change the entire movie! Just forget it.

4) I hate it when automatic doors don’t open fast enough, and I slam right into them. Technology rules.

5) I hate it when fast food commercials advertise a burger of some sort, and you just know that there is no way that the actual “thing” you order will even remotely resemble it. You see the zesty barbeque sauce temptingly dripping from under the bun, as the burger itself drops onto a white foreground in slow motion. Delectable! Then, minutes later (do you not have a television in your car?) you pull up to the drive-thru and order. What is handed to you is in no way related to what you saw on television, even by marriage. Also, thanks for the 68 packets of ketchup, I guess that will be my main course. And not even a single pickle. Awesome.

I think that’s probably enough whining for this article. I apologize for any references that all of the two of you understand. I have trouble with that, and when I gave it the once over all I could think was “oops, I did it again.” That’s right, another Britney Spears reference. I decided if I started with one, I might as well hit you, baby, one more time!

I apologize, again.

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TOP TEN: Sports Phrases That Double as Sexual Euphemisms MICHAEL TENGEL WROTE THIS Many sports fans have had the experience of listening to broadcast and hearing the announcer make what sounds like an intentionally sexually charged comment. Some may even remember John Madden’s legendary ability to use the telestrator to diagram a penis (check it out on Youtube, he actually says, during a Super Bowl, “This is where the mess happens.” and draws a bunch of squiggly lines at the tip. However, sometimes these things are unintentional. In both cases, they’re pretty funny. Here are some of the best.

10) Switch-hitter If you’re curious about a friend potentially being bisexual, this is a nice, discreet way to ask the question.

Example: “So you have a girlfriend but you’ve got a poster of Zac Efron shirtless above your bed? Are you switch hitting these days?”

9) Batting Clean up In baseball, the clean-up hitter is typically the best batter on the team. He bats 4th in the order so that he can get a chance to hit in the first inning if a couple of guys get on base. In a bar, this guy is swinging the bat pretty well, somehow using pickup lines successfully, and he’s looking to bring a couple of girls home with him.

Example: “Wow, that girl shut me down 5 minutes ago and Tom’s taking her home. He’s definitely batting cleanup tonight.”

8) Taking a charge Girls, listen up. Guys will need to “release.” It’s not some chauvinistic declaration, it’s science. It’s like bending a garden hose in half for days in a row; it isn’t natural. But because girls all over the world don’t heed this warning, they will end up with a guy who is taking matters into his own hands and pushing the matter a bit more (without committing a crime, of course). If you stay in the lane and wait for the guy to initiate the contact, you’re taking a charge.

Example: “I was pretty tired, but Tony was backed up, so I took a charge before I went to sleep.”

7) “Get in the hole!”

The best part about this cliché is it’s usually one drunk guy yelling it at a golf course when a golfer tees off on a par 5. That same guy is usually saying it when he’s having a tough night in the sack.

Example: “Bill, what’s taking so long?” “Shut up, get in the hole!”

6) Take one for the team There’s a couple different ways this could work depending on which “team” you’re taking one for. Typically used in baseball for taking a 90 mph fastball, this phrase can be used any time you’re enduring some pain for the betterment of a group.

Example: “She would only go home with him if her friend got some too, so I took one for the team.”

5) High sticking I assume you can figure this one out but, if you can’t, it’s when a dude gets a boner.

Example: “More than a few of us were called for high sticking when she came out of the pool in that tiny bikini.”

4) Came from behind Amazing how much this phrase changes depending on the context. A scrappy baseball team who scores 4 runs in the 9th? Inspirational. A girl telling her friend about her night with her boyfriend? No, thanks.

Example: Think of your own, perv.

3) Muffing the punt What this actually means is that the punter drops the ball before he can kick it. It sounds like it means something extraordinarily dirty but with some room for interpretation. See my sample sentence below for my opinion.

Example: “Everything was going great, then she took off my pants and I muffed the punt.”

2) Double (triple) team Bear with me for this analogy. A really cute girl at the bar can be compared to an outstanding basketball player.

Both are an awful lot for one guy to handle alone (see what I did there?) So just as you’ll bring the weakside defender up to cover a basketball prodigy, so too might you bring your friend into your sexual conquest.

Example: “She was so hot I called Jimmy and we double teamed her.”

1) Slipped one past the goalie Let’s just say that if you’re in college, you’re most likely not celebrating slipping one past the goalie like you might in a hockey game. Why? Because you have no job prospects and no money, and you are now having a kid.

Whatever your “goalie” was, this phrase is a nice way to bring some humor to an inherently humorless situation.

Example: “Hey mom, remember that girl I told you about? Well, I might have slipped one past the goalie.”

Report Card Name: Starring:

Movie Review Green Lantern

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Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard

Overview: When deciding upon a midnight showing for Martin Campbell’s Green Lantern, I wasn’t expecting too much. Sure, the footage released prior to the film’s premiere in theatres had my hopes up, but I had a veil over my eyes; the veil of a DC Comics’ Green Lantern fan. Would this movie soar above the rest with the likes of The Dark Knight, Iron Man, X2: X-Men United and the recent X-Men: First Class? Or would it sink to the bottom of the barrel with movies like Ghost Rider, X-Men: The Last Stand and Batman Forever?

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Brewery: Name:

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Beer Review Bavaria Brouwerij Holland Lager 1839

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The Beginning: This is another step in my seemingly endless quest to find the perfect simple lager. Lager beers are the “beeriest” to me, simple and tasty. The problem is that the cheap ones also are bitter and dry, while the good ones will drain your pocket way faster than you want to spend on a plain simple beer. This one comes in under a buck and a half, making it the cheapest thing I’ve reviewed for this column… we’ll see.

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RECIPE FOR DISASTER: BRATBEST Get it? It’s way better that bratwurst! Whatever, you’re just too drunk to understand our superior sense of humor.

What You’ll Need: Bratwurst, buns, some sort of breading, a boiling pot and a deep fryer.

Cook Time: About 25 minutes.

Fatty Factor: You should go ahead and schedule that angioplasty for next Tuesday.

Bratbest, topped with chili sauce

Let’s Get Baked!: -Boil some water.

-Start your deep fryer.

-Once the water starts boiling, drop the bratwursts in. Let them cook for 5-6 minutes, but don’t let them cook completely, and don’t let the casing break.

-After the bratwursts are about half cooked, remove them from the boiling water and immediately bread them.

-Drop the breaded bratwursts into the deep fryer for about 4 minutes.

-Remove the bratwursts from the fryer. Let cool for 2 minutes.

-Place a bratwurst in a bun, add the condiments of your choice and enjoy!

If you really want to get freaky with these wieners (ladies…) skewer them like you would a corn dog just after they come out of the deep fryer. It’ll be a blast.

Of hot, greasy juices. All over your face. Excuse us, we’re a little turned on.