F-It Friday 28 by The Black Sheep

F*** it Fridays

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“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, July 22nd, 2011 ISSUE 28

want to be a hipster? five very serious tips

SNACKS ON SNACKS

drunk food 4 lyfe

www.theblacksheeponline.com

usa women’s soccer

you should have watched

when fish ride bicycles it’s a cd review

Facebook, We Had a Good Run.. alexandra rose wrote this

Dear Facebook,

I really thought this day would never come. Our relationship started off so strong, so exclusive, as if nothing could come between us. I had just got out of a messy little fling with Myspace, and then there you were, so crisp, clean, and put together. My friends adored you as well, and you brought all of us closer together over the past six years. You helped capture some great moments; from the parties we had while our parents were out of town, to high school graduation, to moving into our college dorms, our first keg stands, first college football games …the list is endless. But I’m not sure our relationship can withstand the test of time for much longer. For starters, your appearance is constantly changing. You think I don’t notice all your little tweeks, but trust me, I do. You have really got to get that identity crisis under control. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”? Well, if not, you should start living by that motto. It’s like one day we’re totally cool and the next day the way we chat is just... not the same. And it’s awkward. I’m sorry to call you out, but I’m starting to get pretty fucking annoyed with your endless need to revamp your look. Also, I’m a little concerned with your health. You’ve had like 50 viruses in the past two months and they’re not very pretty. You’re driving people away with your sickness that spreads like wildfire. So like... go to the doctor or some

thing. Aren’t you worth like $50 billion or some ridiculous number like that? I’m pretty sure you can afford to keep the disease at bay. You were really understanding when I wanted to see other people. I get along great with Twitter; he’s simple and easy and doesn’t pressure me for loads of personal information. Basically, he’s just a fun little getaway when I get bored with you…which seems to be often nowadays. He’s got way more famous friends than you, so you might wanna step your game up if you want me to stick around much longer. However, even though Twitter was like my hook up buddy, you were still my main squeeze. Notice the use of the past tense. Yes, FB, I have found someone bigger and better and sexier than you ever were. His name is Google +, and he’s beautiful. He’s sleek, simplistic, and so easy, yet is playing so hard to get. He’s not riddled with spam and ads like you are now. He’s just so calm and cool that I want to spend all day getting to know him. He reminds me of you, back before your ego got huge. I think him and I have a real future together. So I’m sorry Facebook, but I have to say goodbye for now. + and I have a lot of catching up to do. I’ll miss what we had, and I’ll make sure to stop by and check in on you every once in awhile. Take care.

Five Things so you want to be a I Miss About jaclyn hirsch wrote this hipster? Being a Kid Congratulations! You have decided that everything you know and love about entertainment is now worthless and loathsome and is making you thoroughly uncool. You are going to completely change all of your ideas about what is good entertainment to revamp your image and become a hipster.

Don’t kid yourself; the transition from mindless-zombie-slave into fullfledged hipster isn’t an easy one. Being a hipster takes hours of work but must look effortless. Luckily, I’ve taken everything you need to know about being a hipster and compiled it into this 5-step program. Follow these rules, and before you know it, all of your friends will be asking you where to get coffee and what music to listen to. Then you will be able to respond disdainfully without even thinking about it. Step #1: Think Like A Hipster: The most important thing to realize is that everything you once enjoyed was wrong. It was entertainment for the masses, not for you. Also, start thinking you are better than everyone else. It is important to make everyone feel like you are the pinnacle of cultural capitol, and that your taste in music, books, movies, etc., is the “correct” choice. Step #2: Talk Like a Hipster: Everything you say should start to sound very important but be entirely meaningless. Consider buying a book of quotes from unknown philosophers and inserting them into your everyday dialogue. These should be used around particularly stupid friends who will not know that you are misusing these quotations. Step #3: Act Like a Hipster: Begin listening to music that nobody has heard of. Look for music with unintelligible lyrics. The more monotonous it sounds, the better. You must hate everything you hear on the radio. Also, the only films you like now are French New Wave and foreign cinema. If it was made in Hollywood, it is now garbage. And buy a yearly subscription to the New Yorker to display on your coffee table. It is not necessary to read the magazine, but it is essential to own copies. Step #4: Look Like A Hipster: You should start losing weight immediately. The easiest way to do this is stop eating. Your diet should consist solely of lattés, loose-leaf tea (never from a tea bag) and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Begin to dress in the tightest pants you can find, and pair them with either plaid flannel shirts or vintage sweaters. If a sweater looks like something Bill Cosby would wear, it is perfect. Travel everywhere by bicycle, and be sure to roll up one pant leg when en route. (Side note: it is not necessary to roll this pant leg back down after reaching your destination.) Step #5: Be A Hipster: You should begin to identify yourself as a hipster in your mind, but NEVER aloud. When told you are a hipster, you should act mildly offended and say something like “Oh no, I’m not a hipster, I’m just into that kind of ______.” The more vague the statement is, the better. You should be condemning the term “hipster” but exemplifying everything that goes along with it. If you follow this program you will be well on your way to seeing everything ironically and scoffing at all of the lesser people around you. Just remember, every hipster knows they are a hipster, but would never say it out loud. Now get out there are start dissing everyone!

Some people ask me why I’m such a bitter biscuit all the time. Here’s why: I miss being a little kid. Growing up has its perks, but most of the time I fantasize about jumping into a time machine and reverting back to when I was a chubby 4-year-old in a hideous Gymboree outfit. People say the 20’s are the best time of your life, but really it’s the single digits that are a blast. No responsibilities, no deadlines, no worries in general except where to put your boogers after you dig em’ out of your nose (in public, cause no one cares when you’re a youngster). Basically everything about being a little tot is fun, but here are a few of the things that I miss the most. Being able to strip down in public: There aren’t many things as exhilarating as knowing that no matter where you go, you can take your shirt off and swing it round yo head like a helicopter (Petey Pablo style). When you’re a prepubescent little person, no one even blinks if you walk around with your junk hanging out. Once you hit puberty, walking around publicly in the nude is indecent exposure. When you’re a tyke? You’re just livin’ life to the fullest. Not having to wear jeans: I don’t know about the rest of you, but I totally miss those little cotton jumpers and matching sweat suits of the 90’s. It was pretty liberating being able to wear every single primary color in a single outfit, and all the Velcro and elastic waistbands ensured you would be comfortable all day. To this day I’m still mystified by the fact that jeans have been chosen as the normal, everyday bottom when they are the most uncomfortable things ever. Bath toys: Since when did it become unacceptable for anyone over the age of 10 to have a bucket of rubber duckies and mini squirt guns? This is inequality at its finest, I tell you. Honestly, the people of America would be less stressed out if we all knew it was okay to submerge ourselves in a tub of Mr. Bubbles at the end of the day and play with our own personal buckets of amusing waterproof gadgets. The world would inevitably be a better place. Naps: Pretty sure everyone could use a nap in the middle of the day. Older people are always tired for a reason—we got our nap times rudely taken away from us when we entered junior high. To this day I miss those bleach smelling cots from day care and the Barney lullabies they would play softly in the background. Having a bowl cut: Just enough hair to cover your head, but not enough to get in the way of your vision. Practical. Adorable. Unisex. In summary: Simply amazing. When you’re looking through those old school Kodak’s of yourself, don’t even pretend like you wouldn’t love to have a bowl cut for at least one more day.

Leah lancaster wrote this

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i got snacks on snacks kyle hassett wrote this Summer is finally here and some of us have found that we’re not I don’t know about you, but the second that I return home after a long night’s work at the party office, my carnal desire to feast kicks in instinctually. Everything in the house just goes black except the pantry and the fridge. And the scariest part of the whole thing is that everything, and I mean everything, looks good.

awaiting the glory at hand. And then, in a violent flash, it happens: A ferocious, wildly intense food slaughter that would make Stephen King run home crying to his mother. After the carnage is over, I slowly and painfully make my way upstairs to my bed, while having three heart attacks along the way. I then proceed to fall into a junk-foodinduced coma for the next week and a half.

It’s as if by walking through my garage door and into my kitchen somehow causes the prescription on my beer goggles to convert to all the food in the room, and no longer the girls. Because magically, all of the food in the house, even the fatty and ugly food, looks doable…I mean eatable.

And thus ends a quick description of a typical Tuesday night for me. I’m drenched in sweat just thinking about it. After recanting this tale, I now shudder at the thought of what might happen to me if I were to arrive home to find a poorly-stocked pantry. In these boring summer months, maxing out on all the food in my house is one of the few things that help me get out of bed in the morning. So until I return to school and am bringing ridiculously attractive girls back to my house every night (I can only assume that this will be the case), I will be spending most of my time pinpointing the perfect microwave time for a bag of popcorn and researching if it’s possible to overdose on Cheez-Its.

I blink once and suddenly I’m pouring milk into an overflowing bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch with my right hand, putting two slices of bread into the toaster with my left hand, checking on my leftover mac n’ cheese in the microwave with my right eye, and drunkenly trying to follow a hungry fly with my left, just waiting for him to kamikaze into my cereal. Make my day, bitch. I make the mistake of considering how unhealthy all this food is about to be, and my body shuts down completely in an attempt to keep me away from my magnificent meal…as if that will stop me. I quickly recover, managing to not spill a thing (can you tell I’ve done this before?). I’m in the effing zone. This entire time, my dog has been drooling all over my socks as he sits at my feet, just waiting for me to make a mistake. Sorry brah, not happenin’. With my bowls and plates of food in tow, I stumble over to the kitchen table,

And if I happen to forget to acknowledge you on my way out of a party this summer, please don’t be offended. It is only because my stomach has temporarily taken control of my brain, and I’ve fallen deep into a snacking trance. Unless you’ve got tips on what brand of chips goes best with melted Monterey Jack cheese, I’ve got some business to attend to.

top ten: Reasons You Should Have Watched USA Women’s Soccer michael tengel wrote this

michael tengel wrote this Many fans around the country were crushed as the U.S. Women’s soccer team was upset by Japan in last week’s finals. What is lost on them in the wake of the loss is just how surprisingly awesome it was to watch the team’s games’ throughout the tournament. I’ll be the first to admit that women’s sports most often leave something to be desired. As a result, I found myself reflecting on what the reasons could have been that I found myself feeling sorry for the hoards of people who paid no attention. 10. No Other Choice: These are dark days for the sports community. Basketball and football are in the midst of lockouts while a bunch of greedy pricks argue about how to split up billions of dollars and baseball is beginning to lose whatever interest came with the beginning of the season. If you were looking for an entertaining game to fill up your Sunday afternoon, it was just what the doctor ordered. 9. The fat kid celebrating (pictured above): When USA’s Alex Morgan scored the go-ahead goal in the 69th minute, the camera cut to a group of American supporters in the stands celebrating. As if the goal itself wasn’t enough excitement, we were treated to this kid shamelessly flashing the camera like he was on Girls Gone Wild. I’m only partially kidding when I say I missed the majority of the second half because I kept rewinding my DVR to enjoy this fellow. 8. Serious Talent: I had a rather lengthy conversation with a friend recently about whether I’d rather lose a testicle to a horrific accident or sit through an entire WNBA basketball game start to finish. That’s why it’s so refreshing to see a women’s sport where the athletes are extraordinarily talented. 7. Pure Efficiency: In the era where baseball games take anywhere from 4 hours to three weeks, these

soccer games don’t bullshit at all. You get 45 minutes for the first half, a brief intermission, and 45 minutes for the second half. It’s by far the most efficient sporting event. 6. Potential Stripping: Still not convinced that you should have watched just because there were a couple of hot girls on the field? What if I told you one of them might rip their shirt off and swing it around their head as a celebration? That’s what I thought. And that’s exactly what Mia Hamm did in the 1999 World Cup. 5. Catfights: I’ve stayed at a bar hours longer than I desired merely because I thought there was potential for a catfight to start. If someone would have told me years ago that I could watch a sporting event with this sort of catfight potential, I’d be the biggest women’s soccer fan in North America. 4. Virtual Workout: One of the most amazing things about watching a whole soccer game is how tired you feel just from watching the same 22 people running up and down the field constantly. So tired, in fact, that you just may be able to convince yourself that you’ve had a long, hard day and need your rest. 3. Hope Solo and Alex Morgan: The USA goalie and backup forward respectively played a huge part in the team’s success throughout this World Cup. More importantly, they are both smoking hot and make a convincing case for us to watch by themselves. 2. U.S.A.! America’s the best goddamn country on the planet and nothing gets the patriotic juices flowing like watching us go up against those poor sorry excuses for countries in athletic competitions. 1. The fat kid: Seriously, look at him! He’s hilarious!

Report Card Movie Review

Name: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint

A-

Overview: Well my fellow geeks, nerds and lovers of all things magical, the day has finally come and our childhoods have officially come to a close. And unless you found yourself with a concrete impression in your ass from waiting at the midnight premiere, the question remains: is this final installment a magical journey-ending epic, or is it a special effects sparkler not worth your time? It’s been a long journey for fans as well as the stars of the movies, seeing as the first installment came out in 2001. With a few installments leaving some wanting more and the rest pegging the vibe and feel of the series, it’s ten years later and we finally get to see what happens to the boy who lived.... if you haven’t read the books!

Beer Review

Name: Elephant Premium Beer Brewery: Carlsberg Brewery

The Beginning: Another week, another European Import, another lousy 11 ounce bottle. I really have nothing witty to say about how I picked this one out- It’s apparently made by appointment to Denmark’s Royal court, for what that’s worth, and I like beers named after animals. Between this and Lion, I’m on my way to being able to buy an Africa-themed six pack. The Brewer’s Pitch: Elephant is a strong pilsner that is bold and powerful like its namesake- with a hefty alcohol content and bold, heavily-used flavors to give it a powerful punch. Loads of hops make the beer finish with a powerful “masculine” bite of bitter tang, while heavy malting make it rich and full-bodied.

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CD Review

Artist: The Cool Kids Album: When Fish Ride Bicycles

The long-awaited debut album from Chicago hip-hop duo, The Cool Kids, When Fish Ride Bicycles, was finally released on July 12. Snapback hats have been spotted being thrown in the air in joyous celebration, and hi-top sneakers are now in short supply. All the while Swisher Sweet sales have skyrocketed and “Yea I know a guy” texts flash across cell phone screens throughout college towns and urban neighborhoods everywhere. As summer begins to enter the waning days of freedom from exams, projects, and overcrowded bars, When Fish Ride Bicycles is the perfect complement to the searing heat we have waited all winter for, only to now complain about religiously. If you haven’t heard of Antoine “Sir Michael Rocks” Reed and Evan “Chuck Inglish” Ingersoll, better known as The Cool Kids, well then, you just must not be cool enough. The duo from Chicago burst onto the hip-hop scene in 2007 with their single “Black Mags” (by the way, if you still haven’t heard of them, go and YouTube the music video), an ode to decked out BMX bikes, mellow Chicago summer days, and what happens when you bring the two together. The single was an instant hit with its hipster-friendly obscure lyrical content (who then was rapping about BMX bikes?) backed by a catchy beat and infectious hook. Fans of the free-spirited sort were overjoyed with their fresh new sound and unique fashion sense. Through a slew of digital singles releases, a magnificent EP, (2008’s The Bake Sale), and an excellent live act, The Cool Kids won over

B+

the attention of music blogs and numerous big-name artists. Extreme hype ensued. Sadly, years of label record issues and courtroom disputes delayed the release of their first official debut album, When Fish Ride Bicycles, but it certainly does not disappoint. Sir Michael Rocks and Chuck Inglish have come through with a solid body of work that exemplifies what they do best. Releasing original songs with simple, smooth, yet hardhitting beats; playful, intelligent lyrical banter (“them Alpines hittin’ like a young Rocky/ skinny dude but I’m eatin’ like I’m stocky), and keeping their closets fresher than the beer in an un-tapped keg. Mikey and Chuck are the perfect summer companions, as the entire album sounds like it was recorded (and probably was) in between passing blunts and lazy days at North Ave. Beach. This album is as close to a Chicago summer as you can get without it being the real thing. The ‘Kids’ enlist the lyrical talents of guests such as Asher Roth, Bun B, Chip Tha Ripper, Ghostface Killah who all come together brilliantly on their respective tracks. Chuck and Mikey even landed the production help of Pharrell Williams and Travis Barker for two tracks. In an era of hip-hop where a fancy beat with simple, dumbed-down lyrics can make almost anyone a hit, The Cool Kids bring a refreshing sound to the table.You can thank them for facilitating the (now widespread) popularity of retro/indie fashion in hip-hop. They were rocking snapbacks, hi-tops, starter jackets and neon colors bright enough to blind before many of us could even drive. If you are looking for original sound, clever

wordplay (“Like the poster of your favorite MC that you hang up/use tape ‘cuz thumb tacks’ll tear that thing up”), copious amounts of swag, or you happen to be a purveyor of a certain green plant, definitely give When Fish Ride Bicycles a listen. With this in your musical rotation, summer is a year round season. They’re just a couple 20-somethings rapping about weed, warm weather, women, wardrobes and whips. Except they do it so effortlessly, almost frustratingly, cool, it’s hard not to get hooked. Sounds Like: To quote Mikey Rocks “The new black version of the Beastie Boys” Download: “Rush Hour Traffic,” “Roll Call,” “Summer Jam” Listen To It When: Cracking that first beer or sparking the first hit while the sun is nearly gone and day has ended, but the night you’re sure to regret tomorrow morning is just getting started.