f-it friday 29

F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, July 29th, 2011 ISSUE 29

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F-IT FRIDAY, & F-YOU, TOO THE NON-VERBAL WAY

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GIRLS RULE, BOYS DROOL NOW, THIS IS A FACT

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www.theblacksheeponline.com

WHAT TO SAY TO A HIPSTER THEY’RE FICKLE, YA KNOW?

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LIVING IN AMERICA

& NOT BEING FROM HERE

6 Ways to Improve Your Storytelling

ALEX GEIS WROTE THIS Stories play a valuable role in life by defining the amount of time people want to hear you make audible noise. Having the ability to tell a story without losing friends will make anyone legitimately interesting and, therefore, sexually appealing (not that your appearance isn’t enough). We all have that friend who tells stories that resemble nails on a chalkboard and if you can’t identify a friend that does this then it’s obviously you. But fear not! The winds of change are blowing and you’ll finally be able to talk to that special girl/guy without them contemplating personal injury to cope with the pain of hearing you enlighten them about your most recent concert experience.

Actually Have a Good Story Before you even think about opening your mouth to talk, take a second to think. Does this story have actual worth?

Do people actually care what I have to say? No to both.

But don’t be discouraged! A story needs to be told in the correct manner, but having a good foundation to start your story definitely doesn’t hurt.

Captivating Start So I was having sex naked in the mall once… Pretty attention grabbing, huh? Now your story doesn’t have to necessarily start this way, but shouldn’t it? A commanding introduction lets your audience know right off the bat whether to pay attention or just nod occasionally not to be rude.

If you visibly lose your audience at the start just cut your losses or find other friends.

Appeal to Your Audience This point is muy importante because if you’re talking

Continued on Page 2

02 to your grandmother you may want to leave out the part where you threw up on the stripper. The humor and interests of your audience determine what details to include or exclude in your story. It’s not your fault if your boss isn’t a fan of dick jokes during the weekly staff meeting, so don’t be discouraged. You’ll get that raise with some persistence.

Details, Find the Balance As pointed out in the last point, you are the storyteller.

Therefore, have license to whatever details you feel are necessary or unnecessary for your story. Of course the ladies are going to want a little more description of the scenery and the weather that day so make sure you build a full picture for them. Fellas just want you to get to the part about the boobs, so just include the parts of your story that your audience would actually like to hear. Or just add boobs if the occasion arises.

Don’t Embellish (Too Much) For most people, it’s difficult to transfer the image of the event in their head into words that come out of their mouth. If you start telling a story then four words in realize it’s one of those “you had to be there” stories, then do the logical thing and lie a little. As long as you were the only

one around who was actually there, how does your audience know you never actually got abducted and probed?

You come out of it with some street cred and those fortunate enough to hear your story are better off for it. Win fucking win. But don’t go crazy with exaggeration because you’ll become that person who has no credibility on a damn thing they say. It’s a slippery slope, folks. (Editor’s Note: Is this a probing joke?)

Leave the Audience With Something You want your story to be something that should be shared with the general public. For instance, earlier this month in the news there was a woman who chopped off her husband’s penis and threw it in the garbage. Don’t you want to tell everyone you know about that? That shit is fascinating, and now you’re suddenly the well-informed and aware friend who is infinitely interesting. In the end you should just share a story with people and make sure you don’t sound illiterate, at the least. Effective storytelling takes effort and practice, so make sure to talk to yourself out loud constantly to get the hang of it. Once you’ve mastered this wonderful attribute then the world is your oyster! Now go out there and get laid.

the non-verbal fuck you

JILL D’ONFRO WROTE THIS

I have a secret confession: I have an affinity for giving people the middle finger. Not only that, but I want you to appreciate the joys of flipping the bird as well. It’s timeless, has no language barriers and always gets the point across; kind of like you when you’re sloshed at 3 in the morning sloppily singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” to your ex-boyfriend. We always love it. Let me explain the best things about flipping off someone.

No Messy Comeback Needed There’s no feeling worse in the world than when someone hits you with an especially rough insult and you’re left mouth agape, or stammering for the right retaliation. Instead of embarrassing yourself by shooting back a weak, “Yeah, well… fuck you!” it’s far nobler instead to instantaneously flash back a non-verbal ‘fuck you’ in the form of a hand signal. I love giving people the middle finger because it’s a badass way to cover up the fact that ‘shut-up!’ and ‘whatever, bitch’ are usually the only comebacks I can think up in a pinch. Plus, if you’re a pansy with hurt feelings, no one will get the opportunity to hear the quiver in your voice...

Allure of a Simpler Time Before you knew the f word, the c word and, heck, even the d word (does damn even count as a swear these days?), you knew how to flip someone off. There’s always that one rebellious boy in the third grade (you know, the one who ended up growing up to be your high school drug dealer?) who starts giving other kids the finger at recess, and then pretty soon it’s spread like wildfire. I love giving people the middle finger because it’s a friendly nod to the days when, as far as insults went, there was really nothing else (besides perhaps the accusation of cooties).

Associated Facial Expression Anyone who truly understands how to flip someone off the right way knows that it’s about so much more than just the single digit: it’s about the creativity of the corresponding facial expression as well. A middle finger can be interpreted so many different ways depending upon what kind of face the flipper chooses to display along with it. Sneer, stone face, grimace, glare, raised eyebrows, pursed lips? Each combo means something unique. I love giving people the middle finger because it’s like leaving them with a little puzzle—how would you interpret a flip off paired with a wink and a scowl, hmm?

email us at f***it@theblacksheeponline.com

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Why Girls Are Better Than Guys STEPHANIE WIGHT WROTE THIS Stereotypes that women aren’t as fast, strong, smart, successful, or capable as men are still constant in our society. Or at least they constantly come out of my boyfriend’s mouth. My mom told me recently about a new book that was released called “Man Down: Proof Beyond a Reasonable Doubt That Women Are Better Cops, Drivers, Gamblers, Spies, World Leaders, Beer Tasters, Hedge Fund Managers, and Just About Everything Else.” The author Dan Abrams (a man mind you), collected research from leading studies that have been finding evidence to debunk stereotypes about women.

I’d like to take his research and combine it with my own observations about guys and gals in college life.

According to Abrams, women are better at tasting beer. This is interesting, since many women don’t really like beer. But the point is women have a better sense of smell, and taste is based on smell. Women are also more likely to have a greater number of more-sensitive taste buds, and it’s not just beer that they’re better at tasting, but wine as well. So maybe our opinion should be taken into consideration when choosing Natty verse Bud Light for the keg party. And in adult life, maybe the lady should be the one to order the wine and taste the first sip before the waiter pours the glasses. Sounds like a simple change but at least it makes us the authority of something.

One of Abrams’ claims is that women are better drivers. For me this is laughable because my driving is the butt of many jokes. However, I’m not the one getting points on my license, going to court for speeding tickets and paying boat loads for insurance. Yes, I am suggesting my boyfriend has recently experienced all three. I’ve never been in a crash, never hit an animal, or gotten pulled over for drunk driving. The point is, and evidence shows, that men are more likely to drive recklessly. So, while I may sometimes be completely unaware that the light turned green, or be scared of

switching lanes in traffic, Joe Shmoe is more likely to be seen sweet talking a cop when he gets pulled over for the 5th time in one day. Apparently in Australia they actually petitioned to have more women bus drivers because they found they’re more likely to treat buses better and have fewer accidents.

One of the clichés about women is that they are better communicators. This one is obvious, but is becoming much more important because of the influence social media has in society today. Yes, girls like myself may spend way too much time Facebook stalking, but it is actually going to help us in the work force to communicate effectively with our audiences. Business communication is becoming less reliant on one-way communication (like advertisements) and much more reliant on two-way interactions like twitter #hashtags and blogging. So all of the gossiping, drama and constant need to share information is giving women a new edge.

The ultimate argument for a man is that men are better at sports. Yes, testosterone will always give men an advantage. But studies show that estrogen, while hindering muscle development, helps with endurance and allows women’s bodies to more efficiently process oxygen. This means, when racing in ultra-marathons— say, a 135-mile race without sleep—women can beat men. Why anyone would attempt this type of torture I cannot say, but it’s a cool fact. This also goes along with studies proving women live an average of five years more than men. Besides better genetics, women are less likely to die from risky behaviors like being struck by lightning because you’re too stubborn to go inside… smart gals.

Besides all of this research, take a look at your nearest frat bro shot gunning before his bio exam and I think you’ll respect the intelligence and carefulness of your fellow females.

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TOP TEN: LINES TO USE ON A HIPSTER

TOM BURSON WROTE THIS

I noticed a bunch of articles regarding “hipsters” this past week, and I decided it’d be best to throw in my input. I’ve spent more time with the subculture than I’d care to admit, and I think it’s about time I teach you all how to properly interact with these pompous assholes.

This column acts as an avenue through which you can impress that sexy hipster girl in the floral dress, engage with an androgynous, American Apparel wearing fox, or even communicate with an overly conceited twat, while still maintaining your own falsely pretentious aura.

Quick disclaimer: All lines must be said with a mixture of apathy and arrogance.

10. Regarding film: Like music, focus on the independent and unknown. For mainstream films, you want to critique viciously. Your new opinion of Winnie the Pooh: “I really found it difficult to believe Tigger’s blind optimism and faith in the surrounding world. He exaggerated wellbeyond any convincing respect.”

9. Regarding your career: You no longer barista at the local Tim Horton’s. Now, you’re an aspiring artist. It’d be nice if your work complimented the arrogance. “My work’s experimental with a rustic tinge best encapsulated by an aura of sepia. I have a show next week in B-Side ifyou’re interested.”

8. Regarding transportation: No driving. You bike. Also, you don’t need to know anything about bikes. Required words: “Carbon,” an animal name, random number/letter combinations, and “a mother fucking basket.” “I ride a simple Air 9 Carbon, Fox F29RL, Crest wheels, full X.0 and carbon cockpit, 22.14lbs, with a mother fucking basket.” In simpler terms, “My bike is purple.”

7. Regarding fashion: The new jeans from Urban and the flashy American Apparel t-shirt can now only be described as, “Oh, this? I’ve had it forever.” But glasses, glasses are always new.

6. Regarding food: Be honest. It’s typical if you’re a vegan or vegetarian. You earn ironic points if you love meat.

5. Regarding music: Rather than saying, “The new Ke$ha album was so catchy and dance friendly,” try this: “The new Ke$ha album was okay, but nowhere near the level

of her first. It’s like she refused to stay true to what made her music truly unique in the first place. Now, she’s merely conforming to her newly-propagated fan-base, schmoozing for affection. It’s disgusting.”

4. Regarding music…again: To hipster’s you’re only allowed to name drop three bands: The Smiths, The Pixies, and Pavement. “I’m really into The Smiths. Morrissey’s self-bastardizing lyrics unravel a peculiar ventricle in the pit of my heart.”

3.5. Still regarding music: But if you must delve into your true musical tastes, DON’T; instead, makeup bands.

Hipsters conveniently name their bands using this formula: Animal + Random Word (Frightened Rabbit, Pepper Rabbit…Peter Rabbit). “Oh, other bands I enjoy? I have a thing for the lo-fi, garage sound like Static Sloth, Shrimp Po’ Boys, and Asparagus.”

3. Regarding your art: The easiest way to convince a hipster you’re artistic is through poetry. The easiest way to do this is to simply eliminate as many verbs as you can whiles peaking. “Bleak. Pale bark with enamel, decayed— motionless, eager, imbuing.” The more incomprehensible, the better.

2. Regarding the opposite sex: Male, female, kitten: you fuck any and all things. Men, you likey our girls with a hint of masculinity, and, women, you prefer effeminate dudes.

A true hipster looks no more male than it does female.

“I like my men/women (you’re also bisexual) a smidge awkward but unabashed by archetypal norms that society brands on sexes.”

1. Regarding hipsters: We all know any dignified hipster will undoubtedly object to being dubbed a “hipster,” not unlike a Tea-Party candidate to being a racist. But in many instances, they display no shame in labeling their peers.

“No fucking way I’m a hipster, but Eloise, whose real name is actually Lisa, is a Vice reading snob with musical tastes revolving around the glorified cock that is Pitchfork.”

Report Card Movie Review

Name: Captain America: The First Avenger Starring: Chris Evans, Hugo Weaving, Hayley Atwell

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Overview: Nerds of the world, celebrate! The final piece of the Marvel Studios puzzle leading up to the release of next year’s Avengers is finally here! Before seeing the film at its midnight release like the good comics fanboy I am, a question lingered in my mind: Will this be a great superhero movie, or a film used to shoehorn more set-up for The Avengers movie? Furthermore, with this hero being created during the Second World War, would he be too cheesy to be properly translated to the silver screen?

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Beer Review

Name: Stranger American Pale Ale Brewery: Left Hand Brewery Co.

The Beginning I’ve enjoyed a few of Left Hand’s beers after a friend of mine clued me in to them. She was actually drinking their milk stout, which I haven’t tried yet. Milk stout is more of a cold-weather drink anyway.You may have picked up the fact, over a few reviews, that I’m not wild about India Pale Ales. I think most of them are overhopped, too dry, and too bitter. Maybe American Pale Ale can be a bit rounder and softer (cue fat Americans joke here). Now, the more immature among you may have noticed that “the Stranger” is not only a beer, it is a filthy sex act. That is not what I am reviewing in this column. That review is on a much higher-traffic web site.

CHECK OUT T H E B L AC K S H E E P O N L I N E . C O M FOR THE REST!

Studying Abroad: American Edition Let me tell you something: I’m currently studying abroad – in America.Yes, I’m a dirty foreigner learning the ways and culture of an American university.

While the American students take study abroad programs to places like Europe and Asia, I’m here learning new things about the U S of A every day.

Here’s some things that have culture-shocked me as a non-American.

The Food Portions are Gigantic America serves a lot more food compared to other countries. A small cup of coffee or coke looks like a medium cup. The medium looks like a large.

The large looks extra-large, and the extra large… holy shit, are you drinking coke from a bucket?

The worst thing is that even after all this time, I still forget about the gigantic portions and order a medium-sized meal when I eat out – and feel like kicking myself for forgetting about it again.

The Land is Gigantic There are multiple time zones in the same country.

It takes hours to travel from one state to another, and sometimes it’s realistically impossible to travel on land so you have to take a plane. Coming from a tiny country where there is only one time zone and taking a plane equals going to another country, the fact that you can travel for hours and hours on end and still be on American soil is an amazing concept.

YOUNJOO SANG WROTE THIS

It’s the Perfect Camouflaging Location Globalism and immigration is on the rise, but in most places, people of country X look a certain way and dress a certain way. It is clearly not the case with the USA and its multicultural, multi-ethnic population. This makes it perfect for camouflaging – no one will stare at you weirdly whether you’re short or tall or fat or thin, and no one will give you the “you’re a foreigner with a foreign passport” look when you walk in the streets because honestly, how can you tell? (Unless you’re wearing that “I NY” shirt, that is.)

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Not Everyone is a Gun-Wielding Frat Boy I’m sorry, America: several global events and the popularity of Hollywood movies and TV shows have given the rest of the world an impression that America is the land of the free where sexually promiscuous boys (and girls) scream freedom and eat hamburgers while swinging around a pistol for good fun. And yes, sometimes it takes as much as actually going there to see for themselves that some stereotypes are, frankly, not as prevalent. Okay, I didn’t think everyone had guns, but I did think it would be more promiscuous than it actually is.

Apparently, my friends tell me Europe is the location for that.