F-It Friday Wk. 30

F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, August 5th, 2011 ISSUE 30

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SUMMER LOVIN’

HE AIN’T DANNY ZUKO, AND NEITHER ARE YOU

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www.theblacksheeponline.com

LOLLAPALOOZA 2011 IT’S UPON US, AND HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT

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LIVING IN AMERICA 2.0 MORE WEIRD THINGS ABOUT LIVING IN THIS WEIRD COUNTRY

The Dark, Haunting World of Children’s Nursery Rhymes

MICHAEL TENGEL WROTE THIS The closer you get to adulthood, the more you will encounter friends and family members who’ve done the impossible and entered the real world where the weekend is only 2 days and cracking a beer with breakfast seems, somehow, weird. While you need not worry about this strange world just yet, spending time with these sad individuals will likely land a little child in your care for some period of time. If you’re like me, your go-to move with a little child is a good old nursery rhyme. And so, as I launched into “Rocka-bye baby” I started unraveling just how fucked up our fondest old nursery rhymes truly are. Join me…

Rock-a-bye Baby Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop, When the wind blows, the cradle will rock, When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, And down will come baby, cradle and all.

This tune is usually the background music to a gentle swaying motion that seeks to imitate the relaxing motion of a crib. Hardly relaxing, however, is the traumatic narrative described in the song. What is a poor baby doing on a treetop? And why is there no concern as to the brain damage that’s almost certain to result from a free-fall of that magnitude. At the very least, the baby is looking at some developmental issues and I’d be surprised if it was reading at grade level in 5 years.

Continued on Page 2

02 Rub a Dub Dub Rub a dub dub Rub-a-dub-dub, Three men in a tub, And how do you think they got there?

The butcher, the baker, The candlestick-maker, They all jumped out of a rotten potato, 'Twas enough to make a man stare I bet you thought Rub a dub dub was nothing more than a pleasant tune for bath time. Wrong. Boldly announced in these lyrics is a knot of confusion and homoeroticism that I can’t even begin to unravel. Among my concerns are the following: Why on earth are there three grown men together in a tub? How big is this tub? Why are we given the professions of these men? Does this give us some clue into the background of their rendezvous in the tub? How much crystal meth does one have to do before it appears that three men are jumping out of a rotten potato? And finally, who exactly is interested in staring at this and why, if he’s in the proximity and enjoying himself, does he not join the men in the tub?

Three Blind Mice Three blind mice.Three blind mice.

See how they run. See how they run.

They all ran after the farmer's wife, Who cut off their tails with a carving knife, Did you ever see such a sight in your life, As three blind mice?

I can understand the attempt to insert an uplifting story about some individuals with disabilities into the nursery rhyme circuit, but this one seems to have no point but barbarism. As if these poor mice didn’t have enough obstacles being without eyesight, they have now been viciously assaulted with a carving knife. And by the way, the mice are blind, how the fuck do they know if they’re chasing the farmer’s wife or not?

It’s Raining It's raining; it's pouring.

The old man is snoring.

He went to bed and bumped his head, And he couldn't get up in the morning.

How bleak. How hard did this “old man” bump his head where he was dead by morning? Did the bump cause the death or was the bump just a coincidental precursor to a death by natural causes?

Humpty Dumpty Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Is a happy ending too much to ask for in a nursery rhyme? Poor Humpty (which we can only assume from the illustrations is some sort of egg creature) is in all sorts of pieces and with the entire kingdom’s resources at his disposal, seems to be broken beyond repair. Also unclear is what Humpty expected the king’s horses to be able to help with.

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Summer Lovin'... not like the movies KIRSTEN STEUBER WROTE THIS

Ah, summer!

The heat, the humidity, the pseudo-break from life.

Truly summer is a wonderland where a human soul can relax on a beach, work full time at a Wendy’s, or even spark a summer fling. Countless movies and every novel by Nicholas Sparks sell summer as a carefree time in a young person’s life: A delightful set of three months where a boring vacation can lead to a wacky adventure full of high-jinx, misunderstandings, and lessons learned about your changing body. A passion-filled journey into the true nature of young romance, love over coming all obstacles, and a chance to finally put into action all those lessons you learned about your changing body. And so, as with the Star Wars Prequels, Hollywood has tricked us into believing that something good is coming to us, then for three films we are baffled, betrayed, and left unable to trust anyone or thing ever again. Thus, the nightmare of our lives has begun.

We are a doomed people. Doomed to spend every summer in a haze of hopeful prowling for romance, hanging on to the idea that someday someone, somewhere will at least learn to love us. We spend our summers working internships, assuming the person we met day one, the mysterious one who never makes eye contact, is a nerdy but lovable romantic lead and from that moment on are blinded by this assumption.

Determined, we approach this person with one goal in mind: begin a love that will make all other loves look like garbage. By doing this we usually end up a) ruining our chances of ever getting to know this person by creeping them out, b) setting up Hollywood-style expectations for a relationship, which will probably leave us feeling hollow and cheated

when the reality is less thrilling, or c) putting all of our energy into this one person ignoring all other beings in the vicinity, especially the ones who show actual interest in being with us. Because if we know one thing, it’s that if it’s simple, it’s not love. Right?

What is awful about this summer stereotype is that it is so unrealistic, yet so desirable. Through the grapevine comes stories of our co-worker’s friend or our brother’s bro. We remain hopeful, always looking for the life changing adventure, summer after summer, praying to God this will be the one the student body will sing about in the Fall. So we wait. And though each summer may have its moments, none ever seems to blow us away. But hope is never lost, thanks to collective culture, which has shoved into our mouths a pacifier for the boring, uneventful portions of our lives. The problem is human beings (spoiler) can’t see into the future, and yet hold on to the belief that our boring life is just the opening act to the greatest love story ever told.

Why not? We’ve been taught this in most romances since the day we were born. Not to mention “good things come to those who wait,” “there’s light at the end of the tunnel”, and “Santa is real.” Holding on to these ideas too tightly is dangerous, because it can pacify us into waiting for some All Powerful Author to write a

happy ending, instead of making it for ourselves.

In movies, these trials give tension and often lead to what is termed the “plot,” which is a vehicle used to drive the audience to the happy ending. This is even true in good movies, like the 80’s classic Say Anything.

When Llyod is rejected

by Diane and their romance threatened by her father’s embezzling scheme, we enjoy watching Llyod struggle, breakdown crying, and wake up at God knows what hour to hold a boom-box above his head till his arms are numb and he’s issued a citation for disturbing the peace.

We enjoy all this because we as an audience know in the end they’ll be together forever and ever, amen. But in the reality of the world Llyod lives in, he doesn’t know that.

For all he knows his heart is broken, his life sucks, and he’ll eventually become a raging alcoholic who can’t explain why he hates the judiciary system.

We want our summers to be Hollywood perfect, but unfortunately those cookie cutter romantic comedy couples are destined to be together from “once upon a time,” making the struggles and searing pain worth it.

We need to step back and realize we may not find a fairy tale this summer, or the next, or this winter, or ever.

Sadly, real life is closer to Napoleon Dynamite; a few funny lines are sometimes said during our snoozer days, we get rejected at the dance, and in the end our big reward is hanging out on the blacktop with a girl who sells keychains. And if we’re busy looking for a vampire boy to carry us through the forest via the magic of horrendous special effects, we might miss the blissful simplicity of a real life happy ending in a rousing game of tetherball.

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FIVE WAYS:

To Make the Most of Lollapalooza

Lollapalooza 2011 is set to draw over 250,000 people to beautiful Grant Park on the Chicago lakefront August 3-5. The 3-day festival spans over 300 acres and covers a wide spectrum of musical genres. The sold-out, 20th anniversary of the festival is once again full of exciting acts, both mainstream and indie, that are certain to throw down.

The key to enjoying Lollapalooza (as with any music festival) is being well prepared for the journey that lies ahead. The hot sun, large crowds, obliterated porta-potties and terrifyingly long beer lines can all put a damper on a great weekend. Knowing how to make the most out of your Lolla weekend is key, and the following 5 things can serve as a starting point.

Go Early This is probably the most overlooked and underappreciated advice for any outdoor music event. The strength in this year’s Lolla lineup easily lies in the afternoon acts. While these artists may not be the mainstream headliners, they are sure to put on incredible shows and win over fans. Getting down to Grant Park early also allows you to take advantage of lighter crowds, and quicker access to beer and bathrooms. Weaving your way through a sweaty mass of young adults teeming with tobacco and weed smoke, just to grab a beer or tinkle, really puts a damper on the headliner you’re attempting to see. Avoiding the hellish congestion that is sure to clog Chicago’s streets and public transportation as crowds descend on the lakefront is another perk for arriving early.

Drink Water While Chicago is blessed to have Lake Michigan keeping humidity down and temperatures comfortable, it can, and will, still get quite unpleasant during the summer. Throw in hours of moving throughout the park, steady beer consumption, and attempts at dancing, and you have got the perfect ingredients for dehydration.

Passing out during a monstrous Skrillex bass drop may sound like the beginning of a good story, but spending the rest of the

festival hooked up to an IV due to lack of water will not impress your friends. If you are the owner of a Camelbak, fill that baby up and protect it with your life, as it will do the same for you.

Otherwise, be sure to search out the water stations regularly.

Attend an After Party One of the great things about Lollapalooza is the plethora of after parties for festival-goers that are looking to rage late into the night. The festival officially ends at 10pm each night, which is just when most of us start to begin our evenings. After parties allow for a more intimate experience and add a whole other dimension to the Lollapalooza experience. The majority of these are more catered to fans of electronic/dance music. So if deafening bass, seizure inducing light shows and non-stop dancing are your thing, you will feel right at home. Tickets for these do sell out so it is best to get on one that interests you as early as possible.

See an Artist You’ve Never Seen Before The saying “diamond in the rough” finds no better use than at a music festival such as Lolla. We have all heard of the headliners and other big-name acts, but what can really make the experience so great is discovering a new artist. These smaller acts are usually great performers and put on memorable shows and can instantly up your hipster cred. Smaller name artists to check out this year include Young the Giant, Foster the People, 12th Planet, and The Naked and Famous.

Explore the City Chicago provides an incredible backdrop, as well as playground, for Lollapalooza attendees. Grant Park is situated right on the cool, blue waters of Lake Michigan and has the skyline of the city on the other side, provides a surreal setting for live music.

If you’re looking for a break from the festivities, head to one of Chicago’s 30+ beaches to rest both mind and body. Got a case of the late night munchies? Wicker Park’s Flash Taco dishes out reasonably priced, healthily portioned, absolutely delicious Mexican food. The CTA and army of taxis also make it extremely easy to move about and explore everything Chicago has to offer.

CHRIS PRINZ WROTE THIS

Report Card

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Movie Review Name:

Cowboys & Aliens

B-

Starring: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Olivia Wilde, Sam Rockwell Westerns: it’s a genre that sees a film every few years that falls in the categories of memorable or completely forgettable. Science Fiction: a genre that spawns a countless number of professional and more budgeted films every year where only a select few have truly shone over the years. What creator Scott Mitchell Rosenberg sought to do was bring the two together in his graphic novel, Cowboys & Aliens written by Fred Van Lente. Now, the big studio execs saw this as a property they should option and did so. The director was found, the visual concepts began and the characters were cast; the only question that remained was if this was going to be a worthwhile comic book adaptation.

CHECK OUT T H E B L AC K S H E E P O N L I N E . C O M FOR THE REST!

Studying Abroad: American Edition - Part 2 My list of culture-shock experiences while studying in America is quite a list – enough to produce a part 2. So here is a continuation of what has surprised me as a non-American. #5: Infinite Options There are so many options for everything, especially food. I thought milk only came in low-fat and regular varieties. What is this skim milk, half and half, 2%, 3%, vitamin D, and whole milk I see? Which one am I supposed to choose? Is there a noticeable difference between any of them? People also have different levels of meat-eating, from the ovo-lacto to veganism, among other choices with long and complicated names. Why can’t they just say they don’t eat X and Y? Do people know the different varieties of names? It’s kind of like playing Pokémon games; having so many to choose from is neat, but it also gives you a huge headache. #6: No Car, No Life I did wonder why American college students in TV shows made a huge deal about taking their cars to college. After all, you can still get to places using the bus or metro, right? Living on campus and having to

take the slow-ass bus to grocery shop for five hours while your car-owning friend finishes her business in forty minutes made me realize why. And let us not even get started on the insanity of planning on a road trip when you don’t have a car, and see how much your travel fees hike up. Simply put, you are screwed without a car in the US. This is probably why people stare at me as if I have three arms growing out of my spinal cord when I tell them I don’t even have a license, let alone know how to drive. #7: Make-up is Strong and Vivid Sorry guys, this one may bore you – but yes, for some reason, makeup seems to be stronger in the US. And when I say stronger, I mean that when you look at a lady, you know she put makeup on.Vivid eye makeup, strong mascara, colored cheeks, statement lips, and what presumably seems like half an inch of foundation. Make-up catalogues are especially creepy, as you flip pages after pages of women with purple, pink, and green eyelids smiling brightly at you. Now, I’m not saying all ladies walk around looking like borderline circus acts, but you do run across more of them here.

YOUNJOO SANG WROTE THIS