F-It Firday Issue 31

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F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, August 12th, 2011 ISSUE 31

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LOLLAPALOOZA ‘11 OUR REVIEW OF THE EPICNESS

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www.theblacksheeponline.com

WHAT DEBT PROBLEM? A CHALLENGE TO WASHINGTON

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THE REPORT CARD

RISING APES AND RASPBERRY BREWS

I Think My Life is Bad, Then I Watch TLC KIRSTEN STEUBER WROTE THIS We all have low points. Times when we look around at our lives and think, “Gosh, I’m a dirty no good. I wake up every morning around 1:30, roll over, watch Netflix, and bring nothing new to humanity. What a waste of space I am.” You avoid calls from your parents because you’re tired of thinking up lies about interesting stuff you did this weekend, when really you stayed up all night alone making an Admiral Ackbar hand puppet.You peel your sad blob of a once proud body off the carpet and drag it to the couch. Raising your lousy mitt, you strain for the remote. Whrrrr the T.V. comes on.You zone out dreaming of a life full of friends not mocking your pathetic lifestyle, then you hear a man’s voice proclaim: “The sound you are hearing is blood flow in Jane’s clitoris right now,” and you think “Oh, I thought it was gas.” You hit the info button panicking that you somehow are accidently paying for HBO, a luxury for the rich and opulent. But no, the show is Strange Sex, and the channel? TLC. The Learning Channel. You know how carnivals used to charge wide-eyed tourists a nickel to see a man with three jaws? Well, TLC built a network upon him and, thanks to them, viewers across America can now feel superior from the comfort of their couch. Fair enough, you do learn a great deal about strange people, diseases, addictions, and throbbing pain, but like the apple from the garden, that knowledge comes with punishment. An innocence within us has been lost which will never be unlearned, unseen, or unheard. Who knew the events of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant were possible? But once you know, you can’t forget. There will never again be a moment of certainty in your mind that you are not pregnant. Never. TLC makes you unable to look unquestioningly at the once harmless people in your life. The old lady that lives next door could be buried

alive in everything from clothes to cats. Does my boss have a crippling addiction which forces him to consume up to 27 feet of dental floss a day? Sally is on the computer all the time because she’s battling a sex addiction which forces her to watch videos of humping turtles for hours a day. Whoever it is, whatever it is, TLC programming may take away security and trust, but what it gives in return is one thing: hope. Well, and entertainment. But mostly hope: hope that you are not the lazy slob you see in the mirror.You are a luminous being who eats people food and has no collection of doll heads. One of my favorite TLC programs is Hoarding: Buried Alive. I like it mainly for two reasons. 1) It makes me feel like Mr. Clean’s clean wife, even as I sit amongst my own filth. 2) It brings back fond memories of that cute junk lady from the Labyrinth who carried all her furniture on her back. She was so cute with her little round nose and squeaky voice. And that’s the way most of the TLC shows work for my friends and me. “We can look at these real crazy people and think, ‘I may have a large rock collection, but at least I don’t eat spoons like this guy.’” You’re really picky about food and people say you’re difficult? At least you’re not a Freaky Eater. Unplanned pregnancy and your parents are freaking out? At least you knew you were pregnant. When all of your friends complain that you will be the worst parent ever, just sit them down for a marathon of Toddlers & Tiaras. Sometimes you wish you could stop and just be normal, like everybody else. Luckily, TLC is there to let you know that everyone else is much, MUCH worse.


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