The Black Sheep F-It Friday by The Black Sheep

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“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, May 13th, 2011 ISSUE 19

Government Welfare The government isn’t sure if that apple juice for the children or for your hourly malt-liquor addiction

TOP 10: White People Problems: Awww, poor, privileged white people

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A Modest Proposal

It’s about time society revamps it’s standards and lets us be more natural, comfortable beings.

Ode to a Softball Player By day he’s a insurance agent. By night...he’s incredibly out of shape.

I Spent Eight Hours Today Making Sure a Female Character’s Breasts Looked Just Right

UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS Disney Pixar Animator Ricki wrote this

henever I tell people that I work at Disney’s Pixar Animation Studios, they immediately become bright-eyed and smile in awe. Apparently they think my office is in Cinderella’s Castle; I enjoy eighthour workdays of nonstop fun; and I go home at night covered in magical pixie dust. The final product of years of work is pretty neat, but in the meantime, animating a feature length Disney film is tedious at best. Today I spent eight hours on arguably the most difficult and important part of animating: shaping the female character’s breasts. Sure the voice actors, storyline, and faces of the characters are important to the production, but if those boobs are lopsided, too small, or too big the movie’s just not going to gel. Yesterday I had started on the breasts of this eighteen-year-old servant girl in India who somehow transcends the caste system to become a famous singer. I knew my game was off, but when I came into work this morning I was completely disgusted by yesterday’s effort. I mean, did I really think those boobs would suffice for the big closing duet “Curry Me Home” with her love interest Vishal? She may have made the transformation from servant to celebrity, but those knockers certainly didn’t. They were not nearly perky enough and had way too much cleavage. That’s the thing about Disney films, you need the breasts to be appealing but not over the top. The experts before me really paved the way for the work I’m able to do today. I can’t express enough gratitude for the Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella Disney-breast framework—big enough for the character’s sex to be clear, but small enough to look respectable in evening wear. I’ve been an employee at Disney since before computer animation and have seen advancements made over the years. I remember when Marty unveiled his sketch of Ursula in 1986. We thought he was nuts! No one had ever tried to put cans that big on a Disney character, villain or not. We were used to a rack like Cruella de Vil’s. That broad’s chest was flat as a pancake. But you know what? Those large droopy things barely contained by her octopus get-up really made the character. Oh man, Marty also drew up the shell bra supporting Ariel’s boobs, didn’t he? Christ, what a legend. I also remember when we first switched from hand-drawn to computer animation. One of the biggest questions was how are these boobs going to trans-

late? Will they even translate? If you would have seen some of the first mock ups of Bo Peep in Toy Story you may have said no! But we were diligent and got her looking mighty fine. With our computer technology now, the sky’s the limit. We can easily create a pair of breasts so realistic you could see a single bead of sweat stream down a woman’s elegant neck into a glistening, heaving cleavage. I swore I wouldn’t make that kind of animation. Not again. But the technology is there. I’ve built up quite the resume over the years. A while back I animated Ellie in Up. She was alive for what, the first five minutes of the film? I spent 90 hours on the evolution of her breasts from child, to adult, to elderly. It’s nuanced, but the evolution is there. It had to be there. When we first showed that growing old sequence to the production team, not a single person was moved emotionally. Then I made her breasts lose 20 percent firmness from her adult years to elderly years, showed it again, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Maybe you guys don’t get it, but trust me it’s completely necessary to meticulously shape, dilate, and contract computer animated breasts for hours on end. I did it for Ratatouille. Creating breasts underneath a chef’s smock is a project I never want to tackle again. I also did it for The Incredibles. Violet was easy because Disney prefers it if you don’t put breasts on girls that age, and thank goodness so! Making those awkward teen breasts would be too much to handle. I couldn’t side step Mrs. Incredible, though. Keeping her boobs consistent between everyday clothes and her superhero costume was the test of my career. I watched Britney Spears’ video for “Oops!... I Did it Again” ninety-seven times to fully grasp the subtleties of how breasts behave in spandex. It’s still painful for me to watch The Incredibles, because all I see are imperfections. And how could I forget Tangled? That’s sort of my prized work. Rapunzel’s bosoms were small but perky and evenly spaced with just the right amount of cleavage. I hope I was able to make at least one awkward teenager check her out as if she were a real person before realizing, “Hey, she’s computer animated. I need to stop being creepy.” A lot of the movies Pixar does involve animating characters that aren’t sentient in reality: cars, clownfish, practically mute robots, bugs. You can’t put boobs on those things. I’ve tried. But who knows? Maybe some crazy bastard will find a way. For now, I have more than enough on my plate getting human melons to look just right.

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Top 10 - White People Problems that the Summer Ushers In

News Report Reveals Welfare Money Used at Liquor Stores, Strip Clubs wrote this University Nick ofPlagman georgia

First, people demand that the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, have to show his birth certificate to prove to the American public that he is, in fact, black. After two years we discover what we already knew- that he’s only half-black. Do the racists ever rest? Apparently not, because the very same week in which Donald Trump claimed victory in his quest to prove that Obama was born, ABC’s Channel 2 News in Atlanta revealed that their Whistleblower 2 Investigation discovered that “welfare recipients are spending thousands of dollars on non-essentials such as strip clubs, liquor stores and even golf.” Now, does that sound like the behavior you’d expect from a welfare recipient? Of course it does- if you’re a racist. FYI, all of the numbers, quotes, and data are straight from the news article.

Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) cards are managed by the Department of Children and Family Services (DFCS). Rachelle Carnesale, the director of DFCS, told reporters that “there is currently no way for us to tell, given information that we have, whether someone withdrew cash to use on a debit card for the benefit of the child or purchased an item or bought alcohol.”

Summer is fast approaching and I know I can’t wait to finish classes, and finally be able to devote the last 15% of my time to hanging out, bringing the total to a full 100%. But as much fun as summer is, it brings with it a new horde of problems for us white people to deal with. If you don’t know what a white person problem is you’re a) probably white and b) they’re problems that aren’t really problems, just minor inconveniences which keep you from getting to the J.Crew sale on Tuesday. (Side note: as I wrote this list, I grew more and more shamefully aware that many of these problems are my own as well. *sigh*) 10. My Ferrari convertible got broken into because I parked it with the top down. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks to have your car, or anything for that matter, broken into, but this is one of those complaints that feels gilded with bragging. I mean, what did they steal? Your iPod connector? If you parked a Ferrari with the top down and left your goodies out in the open you clearly didn’t absorb that $50,000 education. It’s like placing a Prada bag of gold on the sidewalk while you run in for Starbucks: not a good decision. 9. I got sunburned this weekend on my yacht. I will be the first one to attest that sunburns hurt terribly, make you peel unattractively, and often leave you with debilitating tan lines. Still, this is a pretty white problem and not just because paler people burn more easily, but also because if you didn’t burn performing intense manual labor in the mid-day sun, you probably had enough fun on the yacht to compensate for the pain.

8. The resort was damaged in a hurricane so the trip to Mexico is cancelled. Bummer, your trip is cancelled, and 500 families lost everything they own. The inability to keep things in perspective is a huge part of these complaints. 7. I want to get in the pool, but skimming the leaves off the pool is work. You have a pool. And yes, holding up the skimmer and pushing it through the resistance of the water to prevent that one leaf from touching you can be really tiring on the arms, but keep it in perspective: your arms will dazzle like Michelle Obama’s.

6. The dining hall won’t be open, so I’ll have to start cooking my own food. This is something I’ve personally become a little panicky about recently. Staying at school over the summer is going to be a lot of fun, that is if I don’t starve to death. I haven’t even made my own sandwich since… I don’t even remember. I shame myself. Although I made a Nutella “sandwich” last week and do boil a lot of pasta, those hardly even constitute as cooking. I hope the carbs don’t make me look bloated when I’m on my Carnival Cruise. At least there’ll be a buffet there.

Carnesale is right. There’s no way of knowing if the $13,494 in TANF card swipes at C.H Liquor on McDonough Boulevard went towards purchases for children, liquor, or if the liquor was for the children. Same with the TANF swipes at strip clubs across Atlanta; maybe Club Onyx on Cheshire Bridge and Club Wax in southwest Atlanta double 5. I can’t come with you to the concert because I spent all my as day-care centers. Do you know that they don’t? Maybe if you stopped being racist money eating out. Because of number 6, I can foresee spending much of for 5 seconds you’d have time to actually learn the facts. my money on food other people have cooked for me. I know one day I’ll have And maybe that family had to spend $400 at the Godiva chocolate store in Austell because their child was diabetic and needed a quick fix. And if not at the Governor’s Golf Course in Acworth, GA, where were the TANF families supposed to spend hundreds of dollars to play golf?A public golf course?! My God, man! You’re as insane as you are racist! So what if welfare is abused and makes generations of families dependent upon taxpayers’ money- the south used to have slaves.

The bottom line is that there are families who legitimately need welfare for a variety of reasons. Just because a buttload of this money that’s being taken from taxpayers and re-distributed is being wasted by lowlifes defrauding the government does NOT mean we can do anything about it- that would be racist. What are you, some fiscally conservative a-hole who thinks people should have some responsibility for their own lives and only go on welfare for as little time as possible while they get back on their feet? You racist a-hole.

Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, Temporary Assistance for Aspiring Rappers, Permanent Government Waste for Degenerates, it’s all a worthy cause so long as they stay dependent on the government and vote Democrat.

to evolve into a real human being, but this summer won’t be that time. That is, unless I have to hunt monkeys to pay for my sister’s operation and by the power of Bildungsroman be smoothly ushered into manhood.

4. I can’t get a job because I’ll be on vacation all of July. This is one I’ve actually heard more than once around the grounds and it might be one of the whitest laments ever uttered. You can’t get a probably fun job just so you can make a little extra money, probably just to save up for an iPad 2 even though you get a 10% discount from trading in your year-old, outdated model. Rough lyfe. 3. Will it be chilly inside? I don’t want to have to carry my cardigan all night. Few things are worse than having to carry a light sweater because it’s cold inside a building, but 95 degrees outside and humid enough to swim home. An example of some of these things are: debilitating diseases, homelessness, and genocide.

2. I’m taking summer classes to learn more about ________ so I can look better on my applications to med school. First off, taking classes by choice removes your right to complain about them. Although if you chose to take “fun” classes in the summer, perhaps your addled brain never gave you a choice. So go to Med School while your roommate tries to understand what’s wrong with you via some light googling. 1. My boyfriend will be in Italy the whole summer modeling. God damn you. What about me?

Kirsten Steuber wrote this

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A Modest Proposal for Tolerance Michael Tengel – Michigan, wrote this So when did society get so goddamn uptight? These days, everything is rude, inappropriate, or illegal. In order to stop this foolishness before it gets any worse, I’m leading a revolution, a rebellion against all the stupid rules about things that are not acceptable in society. I want to be comfortable, regardless of how society looks at me. So, here’s what I’m proposing we stop persecuting:

Nose picking: You show me someone who doesn’t pick their nose, I’ll show you a liar. If everyone’s doing it in secret, let’s make it a public normality. I don’t want to see anyone setting up an excavation site above their lip, but a quick jab to take care of that pesky booger isn’t hurting anyone. Plus, it will eliminate the need to do that “I’m just scratching my nose” routine to try to swipe the obstruction while no one’s watching.

Taking your pants off: Plain and simple, pants are uncomfortable. Especially if you’ve been forced to wear jeans or khakis in warm weather, you’ve suddenly got a 200-degree sauna from your waist down. My rule: if you’re indoors, among acquaintances, give your junk some air. We’re all ok sitting next to people at the pool with string bikinis and Speedos, but everyone freaks out when I kick my pants off while we’re watching TV. What gives? Picking a wedgie: This is such an uncomfortable situation that mankind has evolved moves to take care of it. If you’re stuck with a wedgie in public, you’re forced to perform the onecheek slider (courtesy of Kevin James) to try to get it out handsfree. You know, the move where you try to wiggle your legs and spread your cheeks inconspicuously while you walk? How silly is that? As long as you’re outside the pants, quick, and efficient,

VOCAB!

Here is an amazing word for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

what’s the problem with relieving yourself of this awful scenario? Go ahead fellas, pick away!

Giving yourself a sniff: Even the most hygienic person has a moment like this: They’ve had 3 exams in the span of 2 days and a paper on top of that, and while they’re housing their fifth cup of coffee they have this revelation, “When’s the last time I showered?” It’s a frightening scenario and one that almost always leads to wondering whether or not there’s a reason there’s no one within 15 feet of you at the library. Most people tend to do the stretching routine, lifting their hands above their heads, and sneak a sniff. Everyone smells sometimes, what’s wrong with making sure you don’t? You’re making sure you don’t smell for everyone else’s benefit, anyway.

The one-finger push: My biggest concern is what I have named “the one finger push”. It goes like this: You’re eating a dinner salad and you’re reaching the last few bites. Often this will include some of the following: croutons, shredded cheese, stray veggies, or a couple pieces of lettuce. This means that you will have a very difficult time stabbing these pieces with a fork. You pick up the knife to try using it to nudge the food onto the fork. However, you discover that the curve of the bowl is not conducive to the rigidity of the knife. So my proposal is to allow me to use my pinky finger, in all its dexterity, to gently push the remaining food onto the fork. Assuming that we wash our hand before dinner and have napkins handy, what the hell is wrong with that? As long as you aren’t doing the one-finger push and the nose pick simultaneously, how about everyone lightens up a little bit and allow me to make myself comfortable.

Homelysexual: Definition: A person who isn’t attractive by most standards, but that you find wildly appealing. Sentence: “Sure, Brian may have a lazy eye and a beer belly, but something about him is just so…homelysexual.”

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Ode to a Summer Softball Player Disney Pixar Animator Rick Wrote this

Every summer he takes to the diamond solely for the sake of the game. He lives to crush the ball into shallow right field with the oversized aluminum bat Mark from human resources spent his entire pay check on.He fields ground balls with a god-like 53 percent accuracy. He was going to play third, but he convinced his teammates that his leadership and athleticism was a better fit for short-stop. Also, that throw from third to first is pretty far and, “Bryan likes throwing the ball far more than I do, so just let him have it.” He doesn’t do it for the cheers from the boisterous fans, whose numbers are estimated at ten to fifteen (zero if you don’t include family), currently being drowned out by the car alarm of that Toyota Camry in the parking lot. He does it for the competition. He does it to beat company rival IntelliFutures. They may have released a polymer offering twice as much insulation as his own prototype last fall, but no polymer is going to stop him from heating up when they play each other. Especially since the game is scheduled for late July. Man, he hopes the concession stand sells snow cones that day. He’ll ask them to put every flavor they have on there, even though that

on DVD

results in a weird purple color and not the rainbow he envisions. Away from the softball field, he steals women’s hearts like he steals bases. At least he says he does. We’ll never know if that is a good analogy because stealing bases is not allowed in softball leagues. When he’s on the field, the softball is always outsized by at least two other balls. His testicles. That is not a metaphor for his brazenness or masculinity. They are actually that size. It is a miracle he can even walk, but bless his heart he’s out there. Finding the jockstrap specialist to make his customized cup was not easy, but that’s a different story. In high school he wasn’t voted most likely to succeed, but he should have been. Nothing says success like throwing a frozen rope right back to the pitcher after a botched in-field pop up. If he disagrees with a call, he doesn’t hesitate to storm right out there and politely ask his first base coach to have a word with the ump. “It doesn’t have to be right now, maybe between innings, but if you get the chance, you know, bring it to his attention or something—only if you get the chance, though, no pressure.” When the game is on the line in the bottom of the ninth, or eighth or seventh or however many innings there are (he always forgets), ice water runs through his veins. He doesn’t even bat an eye, or remove the bat from his shoulder, as he watches each pitch go by hoping for a walk. At the end of each game, his sportsmanship is unrivaled. Win or lose, he is sure to say “good game” to every opponent and give them a solid high-five. But he will only high-five the hand that was not in the glove, because the glove hand tends to be sweaty and that’s icky. As soon as he gets home he starts thinking about the next game. Well, first he applies stain remover to the blood on the knee of his baseball pantsthat had been accumulating there since he tripped walking back to the dugout in the first inning. If he waits until it sets, he’ll never get it out. But after that he starts thinking about the next game. He’s a tireless summer soldier who should really be getting to bed because he has a presentation to give tomorrow that he really wants to hit out of the park.