KENTUCKY FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

Fall 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

5 WAYS TO LIVE EVERY WEEK LIKE K WEEK TOP 10: SUMMER TO-DOS THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN CAMPUS PUB’S BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E ! W N O I T A N T A C D L I W

MEET the STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Natalie Shofner ADVERTISING MANAGER You? WRITERS Alexander Parmley David Simms Erica Ryder Evan Lawrence Kelsey Mattingly SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Luke McCain

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 321 N. Clark, Suite 2550 Chicago, IL 60654 Contact Corporate: 312.224.8320 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGER John Deroo

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

New Donors: Donate plasma today and earn up to $400 per month!* Who knew I could earn money and save lives. 1840 Oxford Circle, Lexington, KY 40504 (859) 254-8047 • 817 Winchester Road, Lexington, KY 40505 (859) 233-9296 *Applicable for eligible, qualified new donors. Fees vary by weight and location. New donors must bring photo ID, proof of address and Social Security number.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job... JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby! Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute? E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? MARIE, JUNIOR “Literally anything.”

FIVE WAYS TO

LIVE EVERY WEEK LIKE K WEEK Natalie Shofner wrote this

Welcome back, Wildcats! School has begun and the summer that was going to be epic has already come and gone while you did nothing but sleep, watch Netflix, and stuff yourself with Mad Mush Cheesestix. One of the few things that makes coming back to UK bearable is the wondrous event known as K Week. While intended for freshmen to show them how amazing our school is, many of the upperclassmen find themselves crashing the best events. K Week may very well be the only reason anyone comes back to school, but it doesn’t have to end! Here at The Black Sheep, we have five amazing ways to make every week K week, whether or not you’re new to UK!

WILL, SENIOR

“I would date Oprah.”

Pancakes. Every. Day.: CSF is well known throughout the K Week schedule. With their dozens of parties which seem to be teeming with parents and their deadly water balloon fight, we all know that midnight pancakes is a sacred right enjoyed by the best. Unfortunately, after K Week they retreat to only providing these fluffy, chocolate-soaked angels every Friday. It is now up to you to keep K Week alive by organizing pancake gatherings every night at midnight, without exception. Constantly demand free shit: K Crew leaders really love pushing the slogan, “If you paid for a meal during K Week, you did K Week wrong.” The K Week schedule is also slathered in t-shirt exchanges and free gear at practically every event. So what’s wrong with never paying for a meal or UK shirt again? Nothing! Because it’s K Week, dammit! It is really easy to get free stuff pretty much everywhere you go. You just have to use your creative little noggin. Keep in constant contact with your K group leader: Remember that overly-peppy K Crew leader who told you they’d be there for you if you ever needed them? Well they gave you their cell number, so make sure you use it! Be sure to text them every week with your class schedule and any concerns about upcoming exams and papers. Text them about how much you miss your SO, who went to school 600 miles away. Tell them about every tiny issue in your life, because it’s their job to make you feel special and help you with your problems. Upperclassmen: Constantly give your unsolicited advice to the freshies. Freshmen: Bask in the glow of the upperclassmen acknowledging you and giving you priceless information: This is rather self-explanatory. Freshmen obviously don’t know anything, and without the advice of others they’d end up sprinting through the bowl at Willy T., naked and covered in ranch dressing. Actually, freshmen, go do that. Continue believing that UK sees you as more than a money-filled meat puppet: Ah the sweet bliss of being so young and naïve, believing that your dream school truly does love you. It is rather easy to just keep living in denial as scholarship essays are rejected in favor of enticing some high school senior to come here while the Student Center gets torn to bits for a new one that will be finished once you’re long gone. Just keep on clicking that tuition payment button and believe that everything’s fiiiiine. With this lovely guide, we hope you students can continue on the spirit of K Week throughout the school year. Good luck, and go Cats!

CHARLES, SENIOR “Swallow a lightbulb.”

Newtown Crossing | Royal Lexington 5 Twenty Four & 5 Twenty Five Angliana The Townhomes at Newtown Crossing

Apply online today at

AMERICANCAMPUS.COM FORMERLY LEXINGTONSTUDENTHOUSING.COM

SPECIAL NIGHT

COLLEGE NIGHT! WEDNESDAY: 10 for 10! 10 Drinks for $10 Karaoke Contest and Bar Games with Cash Prizes!

WHISKEY FRISKY FRIDAY $4 Jack Daniels, Jack Honey and Jack Fire

MON: Happy Hour All Day $1.50 Domestic Beers, $2.50 Craft Beers, $2.50 LITs and $4 Well Drinks Live Trivia @8PM

$2 Tuesday Goldﬁsh Racing! We supply the ﬁsh, you race them in our custom track $2 Well Drinks and Pints

Countdown Saturday $5 $4 $3 $2 $1

THURS.

American Made Music Series: Live Music From New Artists 9-Close $2 Bud Pints and $5 Pitchers All Night

$1 BUDS $2 GATORAID SHOTS NO COVER & LIVE MUSIC

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

$10 Punchout DJ King Cam

Karaoke Starts at 10:30!

FRI.

HAPPY HOUR 7-10pm FREE TWO STEP LESSONS 7:30-8:30pm LIVE MUSIC 10-2:30am

WHISKEY FRISKY FRIDAY $4 Jack Daniels, Jack Honey and Jack Fire NO COVER & LIVE MUSIC

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday! $4 Shots Live Music

Karaoke Starts at 10:30 2 for 1 Wells

SAT.

BIGGEST PARTY IN THE BLUEGRASS. NO COVER BEFORE 8:30pm LIVE Country Music from 8pm-2:30am. Drink & shot specials all night

$5 American Born Moonshine Shots NO COVER & LIVE MUSIC

$6 Pitchers of Bud & Bud Lt Until 6 PM

$3 PBR Tall Boys DJ REKNOWN

Countdown Saturday $5 $4 $3 $2 $1

SUN.

NFL SUNDAY TICKET $3 Mega Mimosas

Open for NFL Sundays Starting 9/13

NFL SUNDAY TICKET $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager

Closed

MON.

Check out www. austincitysaloon.com for upcoming shows!

MONSTER CAN MONDAY $2 PBR Cans $1 Fireball Until Midnight

Happy Hour All Day $1.50 Domestic Beers, $2.50 Craft Beers, $2.50 LITs and $4 Well Drinks Live Trivia @8PM

Buck it Monday! Well Drinks for just a buck! No Cover

Closed

TUES.

We're on Instagram austincitysaloon

Tailgate Tuesday $2 SoCo Shots $2.50 Made from Scratch All American Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-7 7PM: $2 Domestics, $4 Wells & $5 Bombs Beer Pong Tournament at 10:30PM

$2 Tuesday Goldﬁsh Racing! We supply the ﬁsh, you race them in our custom track $2 Well Drinks and Pints

Closed

WED.

THE BAR GRID

COLLEGE NIGHT! 10 for 10! 10 Drinks for $10 Karaoke Contest and Bar Games with Cash Prizes!

$2.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers

Happy Hour 2-7 7PM: $6 Pitchers & $5 Quesadillas Live Music by Jordan English @ Midnight

$5 Domestic Pitchers $1 UV Flavored Shots

Closed

BARTENDER of the MONTH

PAULIE FROM CAMPUS PUB

Relationship Status: Single Major: Aviation Favorite Drink: Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill Favorite Shot: Irish Car Bomb Disgusting Drink: Bacon bourbon What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this school year?: Dirty Sunrise – Vodka, OJ, Red Bull, and grenadine Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in the Campus Pub?: Booth two. What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: Headed to Hawaii.

What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: Don’t do it…just don’t. Which 2 swear words are best put together?: “Fucking cunt” What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Drink until you can’t eat anything. What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: A unicorn, “Jeri” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it gives you the opportunity to be famous.

CALIFORNIAN FRESHMAN TOTALLY STOKED FOR WORLD’S LARGEST WATER BALLOON FIGHT Chris Turner wrote this

As the new school year starts, the tradition of K Week is in full swing. The bellowing screams of excitement can be heard from all around the university as incoming freshmen say goodbye to their parents and hello to a sheltered version of adulthood. No one is more excited than eighteenyear-old freshman Daniel Gonzalez from Modesto, California. When asked to sum up his excitement, it could only be done in two words, “totally stoked.” Not because of moving to a new state or the new experiences to be had, but because University of Kentucky is once again holding the world’s largest water balloon fight. Daniel explains that being from California, it has been months since he last seen any semblance of water. He went on to tell The Black Sheep that even the public pools in Modesto are now 70% urine, as the city has encouraged its people to urinate in public pools as a way of conserving water. Daniel isn’t the only student from the west that will be attending the world’s largest balloon

fight. Audrey Baker, an eighteen-year-old from Portland, Oregon, revealed that this event was the deciding factor in choosing the University of Kentucky. Audrey turned down a full-ride scholarship to Oregon State University once she heard of this event. “Taking out student loans to afford out of state tuition is totally worth it,” said Audrey, when we asked her about receiving any scholarships to UK. The incoming class of students who have migrated east seem to be the only ones excited for the event. When we asked Robert Curtis a twenty-year-old Kentucky native about the world’s largest water balloon fight he said, “It’s cool, I guess.” Robert confessed that he doesn’t even care about what events will be going on during the week as long as he gets to leave his parents’ house a week earlier. Could this all be a coincidence? Not according to twenty-two-year old Warren Jackson, a philosophy major and a self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist. Warren accuses the university of using the abundance of water

that the city has as a way to lure out of state students so they can afford to keep building new dorms. “It’s no accident that the university decided to host this water balloon fight as the majority of the west is experiencing a drought,” said Warren, as he clinched a copy of The Da Vinci Code. Warren went on to say, “Eli Capilouto is a reptilian and needs to be stopped.”

No matter what the reason for the University of Kentucky to host the world’s largest water balloon fight. It’s clear to see that the students are the winner. For some it’s about never having to experience dry skin ever again and to others it’s about not having to spend any more time with your family and home town friends. To Warren it’s about fighting “The Man” and uncovering Eli Capilouto’s plot to take over the world.

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

SUMMER TO-DOS THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN Back in May, as your base tans began to settle, your heads were filling with dreams of camping on the beach as your Pinterest boards were bombarded with summer bucket lists full of overly-romanticized activities you “absolutely have to do!” But since you’re probably the same mindless romantics who think slapping some white text on a picture of a mountain suddenly make it profound, or posting pictures of your kale-beet-squidpenis smoothie on Instagram somehow make you healthier, your naive summer dreams never came to fruition, and here’s the top ten that didn’t make it.

UK GRADUATE LITERALLY KILLS HIMSELF BECAUSE OF OVERLY SENSITIVE MEDIA Evan Lawrence wrote this Dan Montgomery, a spring 2015 graduate of UK, died over the weekend from what appears to be a selfinflicted gunshot wound at his Red Mile Village apartment. His roommates were not at their shared unit at the time of the incident. With a 10”x4’’ Confederate flag hanging on the wall of this bedroom and a can of Skoal chewing tobacco pouches, a brief suicide note was left by his side, reading, “I HATE THE MEDIA. ALL THESE LIBERAL BASIC BITCHES LIKE ANDURSUN CUPR ARE WATS WRONG WITH AMARICUH.” It is believed that this past summer’s heavy dosage of considerably liberal news reporting contributed to Montgomery’s strong words. Among these stories include the nationwide legalization of gay marriage, Bruce Jenner’s transformation to Caitlyn Jenner, and the taking down of the Confederate flag at South Carolina government buildings. Curry Dickey, a childhood friend from Bumfuck Nowhere, Kentucky, says that Montgomery had recently texted him over his frustrations about these public topics, and was willing to share the messages that Montgomery sent his way. “Dan was always a pretty rash guy, obviously,” Dickey prefaced. “If anything, I think he’d prefer that all of these thoughts and feelings be shared with the public.” Regarding the national legalization of same-sex marriage, a text from Montgomery to Dickey dated June states the following: “as a man, it seems like a fajinuh wuld b more desirubul than a mans anus. that just aint rite,” he expressed, ripping off almost word-for-word the comment that made former Duck Dynasty legend Phil Robertson lose all credibility as a celebrity. Regarding the controversy over — and eventual removal of — the longstanding Confederate flag in South Carolina, a text from Montgomery to Dickey dated back in June states the following: “Now wut in da hell does a a red flag have 2 do with whit peepl and blak peepl not gittin along?? dat thing’s bin up thar sense the dinosaurs wur thar #laffoutlowd,” Montgomery wrote. “ps we shud start a new fruturnity called kappa kappa kappa lik kkk. do you git the joke?” Regarding the controversy over Bruce Jenner’s gender and name transformation over the summer, a text from Montgomery to Dickey stated the following. “I cant bulieev espn is giving that courage award to fukin’ kaitlyn jenner dood,” Montgomery wrote to Dickey in a text, which Dickey claims was copy-and-pasted in comments of to social media posts regarding the same topic. “I just argued for two hours with a white girl about y that whole family is worthless.”

10.) Make good on your “we have to hang out this summer!” promises: Now that you and your friends are finally back home, it’s time to reconnect. As such, you send the occasional “Let’s get together soon!” text to Cindy only to receive a well-rehearsed excuse. But honestly, you and Cindy were never really THAT close, and it’s Shark Week, so who has the time? 9.) Have a backyard movie night: You know those photos of adorable mid-summer night backyard parties where beautiful friends gather under string-lights to watch projected movies and playfully cram popcorn into each other’s mouths? What we don’t see is the painstaking set-up and the part where all your blankets and couch cushions get covered in mud and squished bugs. Not to mention your only friend with a movie projector just blew you off to go hang out with Cindy. 8.) Watch the sunrise on the beach: So you came across an image of long-haired silhouettes dancing before a sherbet-toned sky and decided to post it to Instagram stating “On my summer bucket list!” But you didn’t go to the beach once. 7.) Attempt a “no-destination” road trip: This one’s reserved for the pseudo-ambitious individual who will soon realize they neither have the friends with time to spare, enough money in the bank, or the energy to do anything with this idea other than pin it to their summer-bucket-list pin-board. 6.) Go camping: It’s a shame you never got around to this, because camping’s a summer-time staple and Kentucky is nothing if not an outdoorsman’s deciduous wet-dream. Next time, stick to simpler tasks like “build a fort” or “microwave s’mores.” 5.) Read a book: Unfortunately, lying by the pool becomes much less relaxing when you’re squinting through blinding rays of sun to see the text. And between texting Cindy and watching Shark Week, you just don’t have time. 4.) “Have an early outdoor dinner party with friends and sit around talking until well after dark.”: A weirdly specific and sickeningly idyllic item, but believe us, it’s been posted. Problem is, early dinner means early drinking, and since your better judgement is no match for your inner lush, you’re left seeing starts before the sun sets. 3.) Find a summer fling: Look who’s still single.

Dickey said that even though the two of them hadn’t been close friends since middle school, he still welcomed Montgomery’s thoughts on such matters as a source of comic relief amidst all of the political tension across the country.

2.) Stargaze in the park: Good in theory but you’re forgetting one thing; parks close. Maybe you gave it a try but couldn’t find the Little Dipper before the cops found you.

“His opinions were so extreme that I realized the best stance to take on these things is to just be in the middle while watching everyone fight and argue about it,” the wise Dickey said. “Just ignoring it and not letting it affect you is definitely the way to go. At the end of the day, it just doesn’t matter that much.”

1.) Go skinny dipping: There was a moment with friends when you thought it might be a good idea, but skinny dipping isn’t the fun, sexy, dangerous experience you imagined when you’re doing it with the same people who’ve seen you poop and vomit at the same time.

As Montgomery’s overly strong opinion goes to show, no matter how “left” or “right” you stand on these matters, nobody will ever win an argument over who’s right and who’s wrong. Overwhelming evidence suggests that not giving a shit about how people feel about these things is best for the heart.

Erica Ryder wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staﬀ wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka. Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation. Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though. Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin. - The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.” - A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur. User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed by Predator 2 later on?” - “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.” - “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…” You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights. Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.” What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart. Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truﬄes, perfume. We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. - For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. - When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. - If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. - If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

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The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts. Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner. Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart. You’ve got a real mess on your hands. Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole. Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy. Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole. Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair. Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain. Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system. STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested. STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next. STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs. It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot. STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time. STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

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YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name. But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not. Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.) 2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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