The Black Sheep
FR un EE.. der . lik yo e th ur e g de um sk in you Wh fo ite un Ha d ll .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @UKBlackSheep
Volume 1, Issue 10 • 3/21/13 - 3/27/13
That Freshman Friend… you used to like mary venuto wrote this
Oh, to be an underclassman again! When Natty Light was a delicacy and you didn’t take notice of the smell of feet in your dorm. To you, mighty freshman, musty socks were the delicious scent… of FREEDOM. Gone were the nights with 11 o’clock curfews and the days of a balanced diet. And naturally, as you stumbled along your first semester as an amateur adult, you met your initial freshmen crew. Y’all were the four best friends that anyone could have; it was so totes adorbs. You guys would all coordinate your nights of sin by deciding who was going to be the responsible drunk that evening. And in the morning after you would all sit in Commons hung-over as hell and try to piece the night together. One of you always remembered the parts that someone else forgot. It was as if you guys were made for each other. But flash forward a year or two and now there’s trouble in paradise. It’s now your junior year and your liver doesn’t quite filter your blood as well as it used to. You’re a big kid now. You’re actually trying to make something of yourself -- and by making something of yourself we mean that you’re sober 4 days out of the week. For the most part your peer group is moving in the same direction as you, except one. The friend you made freshman year because you were immediately taken aback at their ability to make shot-gunning a beer look easy. You once admired them for their “Fuck it, it’s just an exam” attitude. Now you wished that they would leave you alone after the first time you tell them you have to study. Even when you do finally set aside the time to grab a drink with this friend, they still have the same alcohol tolerance they did freshman year. Despite your attempt to regulate, the night always just ends in chaos -- be it that they get into a fight with one of your other friends or just get stupid-freshman-drunk like the “good ole’ days” they keep lamenting about. With the passage of time you’ve come to realize that this anti-social behavior was never that cute, and is now especially aggravating because you’re out drinking in goddamn public. Nowadays our potential hookups are looking for maturity and sophistication in their random lays… and some old habits should just be left in the past.
Wheels Keep Turning, Textbooks Keep Burning
Staggering debt and crippling alcoholism? Welcome to the college racket!
page 4
It isn’t until you’re fighting with this friend to put his pants back on in a grungy bar bathroom that you realize that the passage of time has changed you two in entirely different ways. Err, more like you’ve grown up and your friend has… regressed. When you first think about it your initial reaction is annoyance with a side of frustration, but once your friend goes home and you have some time and space to collect your thoughts you realize that this actually makes you sad. The good ole’ days have come and gone. Is it time to say goodbye to this friend? (Editor’s note: yes.)
what'’s inside
Luckily for you society accepts, even encourages, passive behavior. All you have to do is avoid this person for another year or two. It only takes a few fake excuses to not be able to hang out until they even realize it’s time to move on. And if they’re rather attached to you, then do something that you know bugs them… like talk about future goals, dreams, or life in general. You know, that whole “growing-up” trope.
top 10: Tips for Finishing the Semester Strong
Fear and Loathing in Olive Garden
page 5
page 9
And by strong we mean bribing with barrels of cheese balls.
We were somewhere near the bar… when the food lust began to take hold.