Vol. 2, Issue 10
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/31/13 - 11/6/13
When I Grow Up, I Want to be a UK Athlete BY: UK Staff Dear diary, When I grow up, I want to be an athlete at the University of Kentucky. Not an astronaut or engineer, those guys have to go to school for like, forever. I want to be a UK athlete, because it’s the best job in the word. When I become a UK athlete, life will be pretty swell. I’ll have purpose on campus, and be pampered for the best four years of my life — if I don’t leave early to make millions of dollars, anyway. When I become a UK athlete I will do well in school despite skipping classes all the time because I will have my own tutor. I could tell teachers I have a game or practice and just flat out skip class to do what I loved, or just sleep more because I’m tired. And if my grades started to slip, I’d have the whole school worried and doing their best to help me lift my grades. Unlike students studying to be doctors or engineers, I’d be an investment — if I dropped out, the university would surely lose millions of dollars. If I were a UK athlete, I’d never have to worry about surviving on a cheap college diet. I’d never have to look at a package of ramen, the dollar menu or wholesale amounts of pudding. No, I’d have a six-course meal every night, and I’d eat five times a day. “He needs his energy, feed him more!” everyone would say. Diary, as a UK athlete, I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere; I’d ride the CATs bus one block and no one would call me lazy. “He’s tired from all that running,” they’d say “If he sprained his ankle on Rose Street, how would that reflect on us?” If a bus wasn’t coming, someone would surely give me a ride because other students would care for me, they’d want to be friends with me. When I grow up to be a UK athlete I’d never live in some shanty apartment. I’d live in the Wildcat Coal Lodge and I’d get to play pool in a red velvet robe whenever I wanted. The people would build a statue of me to stand next to the Joe B. Hall statue. My statue would be high-fiving Joe B. Hall. And they’d have to change the Hall statue to make him grimace in pain because my high fives would be really met.
With my unbelievable skill, my incredible hair, and my super-good high fives, I’d get a lot of fans. No normal student on campus has fans, they just have “friends,” and I wouldn’t need those. My fans would see me walking into the Student Center and they’d all stop to have their picture taken alongside me. They’d put that photo on Instagram and it’d get 1000 likes. Everyone would set up a tent city outside of my room just to be by me. Even the students who don’t watch sports would know who I am. They’d see me walking through campus, towering over them, and they would notice my backpack with my jersey number on it. “Oh, he’s
a basketball player,” they’d think. And suddenly they would start telling everyone that they bleed blue. I’d turn everyone into a fan if I were a UK athlete. You don’t see UK engineers turning people into engineering fans do you? No, and that’s why when I grow up, I want to be a UK athlete. I want to be loved, cherished and pampered, and not have to go to class or walk or eat gross food. Life as a UK athlete is the best life there is, diary, and I can’t wait to be one.
page 5
page 7
page 12
an Intervention for your anti-technology professor
Student Accepts Grandma’s Friends Request
Kentucky Student Takes His (Own) Single Life
peel your eyes away from your computer to say some words to that old man.
Immediately regrets it, just like most decisions.
He sure was a good time, though, that guy.
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