The Black Sheep
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Vol. 2, Issue 11
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
e... li yo u k e p o r o rn i wn n t dor he s m r afe oom t y o f .
11/7/13 - 11/13/13
THE Top Ten Most Awkward places
to master your domain on campus BY: Mary Venuto While some of you may have been suckered into some kind of superficial cuddlyy buddy-ship, the rest of us are on our own this winter. For all you forever alones, The Black Sheep compiled a list of the weirdest places for you and your hand to make an everlasting bond.
10.) Commonwealth Stadium:
Unless it tickles your fancy to see college-aged boys in blue spandex being dominated, we’re not sure what would put you in the mood. If anything you’d get blue balled — you know because there’s blue paint on th- ok fine, you get it.
9.) Memorial Hall:
Yes, whenever you brought back your kids to this campus you’d pass Memorial Hall and conjur up a particularly memorable moment, but we’re pretty sure hastily flushing some “lost soldiers” down the toilet is not what the university had in mind when they wanted to commemorate WWI.
5.) The Wildcat Statue:
While we agree with you that the wildcat is majestic, we just don’t think it’s that kind of majestic. You shouldn’t look at animals to masturbate in the first place, let alone cold inanimate animals… but hey, whatever floats your boat.
4.) Your TA’s office:
We know you were fraught with anticipation after your TA asked to you to stop by his office so they could give you some extra guidance, but it’s important to not have your pants at your ankles while sitting in his chair when they walk in. And it’s especially important to not make seductive eye contact and keep going.
3.) Gatton Construction Area:
8.) Little Library:
The construction workers don’t need another reason to hoot and holler at the college students here on campus. Then again, maybe this would be the weird kick in the pants they need to get this shit built already.
7.) The New Dorms:
First and foremost, the food is not good enough for this type of reaction. Second and secondmost, it’s hard enough for someone to keep their appetite in there because of the smell. You’re going to ruin someone’s Mongolian grill night or worse, their tapioca pudding night.
It’s perfectly silent, so maybe you thought it’d be the perfect place to, uh, center yourself. However, everyone else can hear that mac ‘n’ cheese noise coming from under the desk, so maybe at least take the noise cancelling headphones off.
Their shower pipes are so new and unclogged you’ll feel bad for being one of the people to break them in. But you have to mark your territory somehow, right?
6.) The SAE House:
If they’ll wrap a guy up in toilet paper and set him on fire just for funsies, imagine what they’d do to the creep rubbing one out onto their Disney princess style staircase.
2.) Commons Cafeteria:
1.) The President’s House:
Aw, c’mon guys. The president’s house looks like grandma’s house, and if the first thing you think of when you see grandma’s house is to rub one out, then we’re feel sorry for your childhood. But just do it to it already, Dr. Eli is coming back soon and if there’s anything he hates more than low tuition, it’s dried up jizz in his carpeting.
page 4
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page 12
Freshman Gets Caught in Pyramid Scheme
Marcus Mumford Pursing Dream Job
It’s not your fault your roommate’s single
Oh no, not those amazing stupid knives again!
Working in construction sure as hell beats making Grammy-winning albums.
Confronting your roommate can be hard but, damn he needs to chill.
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Punctuhate
Word Is your father in prison?
Because if I were your father, I would be in prison.
Seriously?
DON’T MESS AROUND WITH
#BADTIMESMAN
Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @UKBlackSheep #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
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Ending a rant with an abrupt, short, sudden conveyance of anger aimed towards the person, place or thing disliked. “After going on and on about Tea Party members for a half hour, Thaddeus surprised the crowd with a brief, ‘fuck them’ before exiting the party to smoke a cigarette.
of the
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @UKBlackSheep First right answer wins a prize!
Last Week’s Answer: Dartmouth’s keggy the keg
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
The Hold Steady frontman pens a James Joyce work widely considered an impossibility. Last Week’s Answer: Ghostface Killah Mike
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Freddie Freshman Gets Caught Up in a
Pyramid Scheme By: Bob Rodriguez
Freddie recalled the fond memories of daydreaming while his Introduction to Philosophy professor spouted off about Friedrich Nietzsche being a total bro. It was in that very lecture hall, the one that smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and mediocrity, where Freddie Freshman naively fell into the pyramid scheme that would destroy the very life he was attempting to create. He regretted ever entering “http://madwork4studentz.com” into his web browser, previously full of happy porn and happy times. They made everything seem so real, so lucrative. “Earn a promotion every five days! Trust us—you’ll be super rich and awesome! Future companies will throw their snatches at you when they see you have experience working with Sucktor Marketing! You know, your resume? The one that’s going to suck forever if you don’t work for us? Do it.” Before Freddie knew how to feel or what to think, he was forking over his last hard-earned $1,100 in cafeteria cash to the woman with a mustache he only knew as “Convincing Knife Lady.” Convincing Knife Lady talked fast and with a bit of a lisp, pressuring Freddie. “Time’s running out,” she’d tell him, “and you’re going to want to buy your knife kit before we hire someone else to take the hundreds of promotions and paychecks we’re prepared to give you depending on your upfront capital investments.” Freddie figured that Convincing Knife Lady had to be a good source for advice on life choices, since she was obviously well into her forties and high up on the Sucktor Marketing ladder, hiring only the best and brightest college students to sell such an expensive product. Soon things took a turn for the worse when Freddie learned he could only sell to people he knew. His family took out a second mortgage to buy Freddie’s knives. “Oh god, here he comes trying to sell us some goddamn knives again,” his friends thought every time Freddie showed up. Mr. Freshman began prostituting himself on the streets like a common hoodrat just to afford food to put on the table so that
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Mrs. Freshman and Freddie’s little sister, Pre, could still have some happiness in their lives. Loan sharks began to call Mrs. Freshman day and night, heckling her until she broke down and told the tragic tale of her son becoming a victim of a pyramid scheme. Soon enough Freddie’s mother turned to the juice to comfort her pain, opening every liter of bottomshelf merlot with her $50 Cutblow corkscrew. Freddie began attending his professors’ office hours in hopes of delivering a quick sales pitch. He had done everything perfectly—he cut a penny in half beautifully, he sawed straight through a soda can with finesse, he pretended to slice his hand open to show how wonderfully safe Cutblow knives are for children—but then something went horribly wrong. He was halfway through his knife juggling routine when the 9-1/2” Polynesian Chef model pierced into his right eye. His family became so desperate upon the arrival of Freddie’s hospital bills that Mr. Freshman turned street walking into family night. Freddie’s professors had been threatening him for months: Either stop soliciting innocent classmates and TAs or fail the class. The lengthy hospital stay put him even further behind, and he was forced to withdraw from the university. Last week we met up with Freddie to find out where he plans to go from here. Working at a Taco Bell Express that’s attached to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut, Freddie told us between bites of Double Downs and cheeseburger pizza that all his coworkers affectionately call him “Left Eye.” While Freddie’s dream of becoming the greatest college degree earning puppet master there ever was has faded, he remains hopeful and plans to take this opportunity to get closer to god. “I’m really thinking about getting into Scientology. Those guys seem to have a good thing goin’ on,” he stated, making us question even our own life choices, while wondering where Freddie Freshman will find himself in this crazy pyramid scheme we call life.
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One Month After Band’s Breakup,
Marcus Mumford Pursuing Lifelong Dream of Working in Construction By: benny boy As Marcus Mumford’s shovel plunges into the dirt, which will soon support a brand new Long John Silver’s in Santa Fe, California, he lets out a satisfied sigh and realizes that he has finally made it. However, the fruits of success were not easily attained for young Marcus Mumford. Born into a wealthy upbringing by John and Eleanor Mumford, both national leaders of the Vineyard Church of UK and Ireland, Marcus grew up believing that he would never install drywall and plumbing at the professional level. “In the world I grew up in, there simply wasn’t any feasible avenues for a young boy to pursue his passion for bricklaying, roofing, or really any unionized tradesman position,” Mumford said in an interview with Rolling
Stone “Like many of the wealthy and disenchanted undergraduates of King’s College School in Wimbledon, I was forced into a career in melancholic folk-rock by societal and cultural forces beyond my control.” The dream of one day manning his very own backfill tamper or portable grinder on a highway construction site did not leave Mumford’s thoughts as he met future bandmate Ben Lovett at the University of Edinburgh. The two quickly bonded over their mutual interest in water main instillation and backfilling, and fondly remember their many nights spent working on their buffer and silicon carbide wheels when they were supposed to be rehearsing for open mic nights. “We were young and had our whole lives ahead of us. How
could they expect us to write and record acoustic ballads of longing when there were other guys our age performing radon mitigations and foundation repairs?” Dreams of one day joining his boyhood heroes in Building Construction Workers Industrial Union 330 seemed even more distant when Mumford’s debut album Sigh No More became a bestseller, making Mumford and Lovett’s new band Mumford & Sons an international sensation. “They day I found out that Sigh No More hit number 2 on the Billboard 200 was the day I gave up all hope. I cried. I told myself that a real construction worker never cries, not even when an AWWA C-900 PVC pipe falls on his foot, but the feeling that my life was in a downward spiral was overbearing.”
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The next three years were the most difficult for Marcus. Increased radio airplay of Sigh No More as well as headlining spots in some of the largest festivals in North America and Europe drove him further away from his dreams of one day owning and operating his own industrial sump pump. “We were playing shows every night, had more women, money and drugs than we knew what to do with, and, to put the icing on the cake, were being called one of the most popular and influential folk-rock artists of our generation. What a slap to the face.” Mumford’s depression led to a violent cycle of alcoholism and anti-depressants. When the band’s sophomore album Babel received a Grammy award for record of the year, Mumford locked himself in his hotel room with a case of whiskey
and his favorite belt sander. “It was a dark period. When Babel became so successful the only thing I could depend on was the liquor. Not even Rusty, my prized soldering iron made me happy anymore. My passion for carpentry and instillation, which had nearly gotten me through the difficult period after Sigh No More, was gone.” It was in September of this year, as bandmate and longtime backhoe loader Ben Lovett said to Rolling Stone, that the time for an intervention had come. “During our spring and summer tour, I noticed that Marcus was beginning to accept his life as a Grammy Awardwinning musician and songwriter. That was when I told him that in twenty years, if he was still playing stadium after stadium of young, screaming fans, coming over to my
hotel room to rehearse new songs, I would kill him. He was sitting on a winning lottery ticket, but was too much of a pussy to cash it in. Which is bullshit, because I’d do anything to have what he had. I’m gonna be a famous musician until the day I die, and I can accept that. But what I couldn’t accept was Marcus wasting his talent for septic tank instillation and repair as a world-class artist. He didn’t owe it to himself, he owed it to me.” Marcus took Lovett’s words to heart, and in late September of this year Mumford & Sons disbanded. If you wish to see Marcus Mumford nowadays, just drive down I-80 in the summer time, he will be there operating a Bosch 11335K 35-Pound 1-1/8-Inch Jack Hammer with a smile across his face.
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on the Streets If you could go back in time to exactly 1 year ago today and tell yourself something, what would it be?
Laura
“It’ll all get better in time.”
J os h
“Getting cited isn’t worth it.”
Brittany
“Change your major.” 06
Humpday On Thursday: The Tale of Throwback Thursday Gone Horribly Wrong
The
Top
Ten
Ways to Tell Exams have Destroyed You By: black sheep staff
10.) Nightmares: We’ve all had that dream where we show up to an exam we didn’t study for in our underwear. But we haven’t had the dream where the professor turns into Satan from South Park and eats your heart while your grandmother has sex with your TA on a pile of lactose intolerant geese. That’s just you. 9.) Inappropriate Reactions: If getting dumped makes you giggle, Christmas carols make you weep and hearing children laugh throws you into a suicidal rage, take a mental health day to recalibrate your feel-brain. 8.) Drowsiness: It’s perfectly normal to need a nap after six exams over three days that you didn’t study for (Netflix, she is a treacherous siren). Knock yourself out. Except, don’t actually knock yourself out by downing four bottles of NyQuil and an entire turkey. That’s unhealthy. 7.) Nausea: If you wake up frequently with your head in the toilet and without your pants or phone in weird parts of Lexington you’ve never seen before, that’s a sign that midterms have ruined you.
By: black sheep staff Kentucky freshmen Jack Goff and Willie Stroker thought their simple competition of “Throwback Thursday” one-ups were harmless — certainly a competition that wouldn’t lead to either of them dropping out of school. Then Goff and Stroker found themselves in a browser history that just couldn’t be deleted. It all began back during freshmen welcome week. Goff and Stroker were roommates and immediately became friends on every social network known to mankind. The first Thursday after classes started, Stroker posted a picture of himself playing peewee football for his first “#ThrowbackThursday” on his newly minted Instagram account. After seeing Stroker’s post, Goff posted his three-year-old self playing soccer, and tagged his new best friend Stroker. The following Thursday, Goff tagged Stroker in a picture of Goff’s ceremonial circumcision. Stroker was flabbergasted as to how he didn’t know Goff was Jewish, let alone how Goff could one up with such an early picture. However, after much controversy and confirmation from the rabbi who performed the ceremony, it was determined that Goff’s circumcision photos were accurate. The weekend after Goff’s infamous post, Stroker struck gold in an old photo album his parents’ attic. On Thursday, Stroker posted a picture
of himself mid-birth. The picture of Stroker’s bloody head crowning in his mother’s vagina was enough to lose all of his Instagram followers except for Goff, who would not be out-#ThrowbackThursdayed. Alas, Stroker was not prepared for Goff’s weekend find. Two minutes after the birth picture, Stroker got a notification that he’d been tagged in Goff’s newest picture. Stroker clicked the notification to find that Goff had uploaded a picture of his ultrasound when Goff’s mother was five weeks pregnant. Stroker left for the weekend in a fit of rage, a rage that was only fueled when the earliest ultrasound photo he found in his parents’ house was of Stroker’s mother at three months pregnant. Stroker knew he couldn’t lose, and he tore apart the house looking for the haymaker post, the most throwback picture he could find that would ultimately crown him king of the dorm. It was in this rage that Stroker found a box buried in his parents closet that read “home movies.” In the box, Stroker found a VHS tape with the label that read “June 28, 1994.” Stroker was surprised to find a VHS player still in his house but quickly popped it in the VCR anyway. The video had those weird VHS-lines running across the screen and the sound was muffled. Right when Stroker was about to give up hope, the video regained clarity. Sitting alone in his basement, Stoker was now watching his father pile drive
his mother National Geographic style. His mother was screaming, “BREED ME!” and Stroker’s father acquiesced to her request. As he sat, face aglow by the old TV, the sight of his mom getting peen punched was enough to make Stroker want to rip out his eyes. All of the sudden Stroker came to the realization that June 28, 1994 was exactly nine months before his birth. Stroker was holding the videotape of not only the death of millions of his potential brothers and sisters, but the videotape of his conception. Thursday, November 7th, 2013 was like any other throwback Thursday for Goff; he sat in his 10 a.m. Statistics class and eagerly anticipated Stroker’s concession post. His phone buzzed, and he immediately clicked on the notification from Stroker. However, Goff’s triumph faded to shame as “BREED ME” rang out in the lecture hall. Goff sat in horror as he realized that he not only lost Throwback Thursday, but he was also going to be expelled for watching porn in class. As he had nothing left to lose, he decided to take down his parent porn-watching roommate and reposted Stroker’s conception all over UK’s social networks. Word spread like wildfire across campus as the class of 2017 learned of Stroker’s home movie, forcing Stroker to withdraw from school as his classmates all assumed he too had a wiener as tiny as his father’s.
6.) Hallucinations: The coffee pot is not talking to you. The coffee pot has never talked to you. What has happened in your life to make you believe your coffee pot when it tells you that your roommate has been licking your pillow? 5.) Dizziness: If you spent the last twenty minutes spinning around in your office chair as fast as you can and are now on the point of blacking out from the g-force and simultaneously vomiting on your face and the back of your head, check to see when your warranty expires. 4.) Memory Loss: “Hi, Mom. Yeah, I’m fine. I did just finish my midterms, yeah. How’d I do? Uh… I do not recall. No. Really. What are midterms? How’s Nana? What? Midterms? I don’t know that word. Huh? I don’t know. I don’t know. Yeah… I don’t know. Who is this?” 3.) Changes in Appetite: Are you eating an entire pizza in one sitting? Or putting nothing in your mouth but coffee and Red Bull? Or chewing on thumbtacks? All the Halloween candy in your apartment? Your own arm? Stress has a disruptive effect on metabolism, which can lead to changes in weight and appetite. So it’s not your fault you splurged on Sweetwater’s donuts. It’s Spanish’s fault. 2.) Suicidal Thoughts: Lying on the train tracks and waiting for death might seem like more fun than waiting for your bio-chem exam results, but that’s just because exams sap every ounce of will out of your body and replace it with misery. It’ll take a couple days and a Mel Brooks marathon to get your serotonin levels back to normal. 1.) Diarrhea: You knew eating an entire pizza in one sitting would have consequences. You knew, and you did it anyway. We hope you’re pleased with yourself.
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n o s a e S m l i F l l a F ) r e l i a r t e h (By t to give you the ed id ec d p e e h S ck anksgiving, The Bla Th d n u r you, because we ro fo a t t es h b g s ri rk p o u w g e in iv p ct m dje son ra w, pick whatever a o kn With fall movie sea u yo , n and Brendan st in u ju ... Q st y: o B m t. u x o si b â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a n re so a a e what these flicks lowdown on this se se to rs ile a tr e th ed really only watch
Delivery Man
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Release Date: November 22nd Synopsis: Down ‘n out Blue Collar Jones finds out he has 533 children as a result of a sperm donation mishap. By the Trailer: First, let us clear the air; Vince Vaughn does not mistakenly have sex with one of his daughters, just in case that’s what you were looking to get out of this movie. Nope, he decides what better way to give purpose to his purpose-less life than playing “guardian angel” to the 533 kids that he once ejaculated into a cup. Will he stop being such a down-and-out loser and find true love? Will he marry one or all of the mothers who thrust a turkey baster full of his baby batter into their v-holes? Will the kids all have perfectly solvable problems and not be addicted to sex or beat to death by their meth-addicted, sperm-donation-accepting mothers? Probably, because this is a shitty cookie-cutter Vince Vaughn fish-out-of-water movie. If Owen Wilson doesn’t make an appearance we’ll be shocked. Truer Title: Vince Vaughn Needs Money: Quips! Quips Galore!
Release Date: November 15 Synopsis: After a vision of his dead mother sends Charlie to Bucharest, a death on the flight leads him to fall in love with a woman. By the Trailer: This is a little awkward, but the guy you’re sitting next to on this plane is kind of dead, and not to be too much trouble, but you’re going to have to tell his daughter that he died. No worries though, Charlie, because you’ll fall in love with her during one of the darkest periods of her life, but some worries, bro, because she’s unhappily married to a Romanian gangster and he will just…like, unceremoniously beat the shit out of you if you don’t stay away from her. But dude it’s also like, you’re in love, so keep getting punched in the face, or something. I don’t know, do whatever you want, it seems like you’re not great at making decisions; you keep letting dead people make them for you, which seems like a not-too-great plan to begin with. Truer Title: Death and Punching: A Love Story
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: A former DEA agent moves his family to a quiet town, where he soon tangles with a local meth druglord. By the Trailer: Oye! It’s me, somehowEnglish DEA agent with a recently-dead wife Jason Statham here to tell you country yokels that them back country meth-smokin’ ways aren’t gonna intimidate me and my daughter who knows karate, because Jesus Christ, have you seen one of my movies before? No siree, Mr. kingpin James “Gator” Franco, I’m not one’a them pencil-pushin’ DEA wimps, I’m here with my shotgun and bad badass karate kicks to get all y’all in line. See, that’s what high-power hardasses like me do, we deal with our emotional issues by moving to some back-country shittown to silently brood until something sets us off; counseling is for wussies. Truer Title: Stereotypes, Guvnah!
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: Guy gets held captive for twenty years, watches TV, is released, [insert the plot of Taken]. By the Trailer: Joseph Doucett wakes up in a tiny, inconspicuous bedroom and remains there for twenty years… but he doesn’t know why. He may or may not have killed his wife, but judging by how angry he is and because it’s a movie, he probably didn’t. Over the next twenty years he watches a bunch of TV, does some chin-ups, punches the wall a few times, and just gets really really mad about being locked up for so long without reason. Then whoever locked him up lets him out to go find his daughter (who is also being held captive now?), so of course he goes on a CrAzY killing spree. Then he finds his daughter and has sex with her. Just kidding! Or are we?! We are...? But he does have sex with someone! Truer Title: Taken 3: This Time the Dad Gets Taken
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: Walter Mitty lives his life through daydreams until his job is threatened, sending him on an adventure worthy of the big screen. By the Trailer: Dude, your life kind of sucks. Your job in publishing is coming to an end, your boss is a dick, the girl you like doesn’t even notice you, and even your family thinks you’re a total weirdo. Thank god weirdos do weird things, though, because wow, you’re about to take part in a chain of events that is, like, totally in character for a mild-mannered guy like you. You know what Langston Hughes said, “Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. Let’s just do some completely implausible shit because the girl we like doesn’t like us back.” Truer Title: Unaffordable Adventure
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/ NINJA/JEDI HOLY FUCK. By the Trailer: One “half breed” man is banished and sold into slavery. Then, the people who enslave him look to enslave more people, Keanu’s people. Keanu is the only one (we’re tapping our finger to our nose here, folks) who can prevent this from happening. Ipso facto the side he is fighting on only has an army of 47 and the army he’s fighting against is, like infinite soldiers who are different from his ragtag group of guys. Nope, those guys on the other side don’t have families at home or anything, feel nothing for them. Add in a metric dick-ton of special effects, and this movie is going to have us forgetting about Santa and all his slaves in favor of this Asian-ified super Matrix. Also, dragons. Also also, lightsaber Samurai swords. Truer Title: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY CRAP!
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How to Tell Your Roommate
It’s Not Your Fault He’s Single By: David Zirinsky
The general premise sucks. You come to college, you’re finally an adult, paying for your own Netflix account and doing your own laundry, but you need to share a room with another person, just like you’re at camp. Living with a stranger in close quarters can be annoying, but it’s even worse when your roommate has some deep-seated girl issues. For most students, a roommates’ quirky habits include a strange affinity for My Little Pony, waking you up for 3a.m. yoga, or their obsession with watching porn on the impractically large desktop they brought to college. All off these things are just a drop in the bucket compared to the roommate with lady issues who’ll constantly remind you that he’s single. Everyone’s been single at one point, some longer than others, but he makes it your sad business to know the desperate woes of his love life, though you’d so much rather dedicate your mental energy toward your League of Legends rank. At first, your roommate may have started by just saying, “Hey you should find me a girl tonight,” as if you control the female gender in its entirety. You can’t even stand this guy’s habits, how are you supposed to find a woman that can? What’s worse is he’s always showering your female friends with compliments, but then gets weird when you two politely hint you need the room. And you’re all like, “C’mon, really?!” Now he wants your help. Start by talking about the previous times you’ve brought people over to your room or apartment. You can only bring so many cute single friends over without putting up billboards and giving them free drinks; it’s not your fault that your room-
mate can’t manage to say one sentence to them. Seriously, talking to a girl isn’t like proposing marriage, or signing up for a lifetime membership to the Fruit of the Month Club. Just tell him to get his head out of his ass and say something. Tell him to have the generic name/year/major/favorite-episodeof-Spongebob conversation that you’ve had a hundred times before. And by no means should he complain about who’s brought over, because the girls he’s brought over could be counted on an armless man’s fingers. This can also be a great segue into a conversation about housecleaning (as everyone knows, the ladies love a clean apartment). Guys will do all sorts of things if they think girls will like it. Make him surrender to cleaning up his filthy stuff. Remind him that no one is attracted to bed sheets that haven’t been washed in two months and have the kinds of stains only a lonely man’s bed sheets would know. Let him know that all of the dirty laundry and cheap liquor bottles that he insists he needs as decoration look unsightly to others. When discussing these matters, don’t be afraid to get creative with your phrasing, maybe try an accent or two. It’s also probably best if both of you are away from any blunt objects that can be used as weapons. You know, safety first. Confronting a roommate can be hard, but whether he does or doesn’t clean up his act you’ll begin to establish yourself as the alpha-male of this two man wolf-pack. On that note, The Black Sheep wishes you good luck on a conversation filled with an inordinate amount of uncomfortable eye contact. At least you don’t have to look at his sheets.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: It’s complicated
Hey, remember Crash Bandicoot?: Yeah, it was great!
Major: Biology
Five words to sum up the Neolithic period: Hairy, dirty, hungry, tired, homeless.
Favorite Drink: Vodka and cranberry juice Favorite Shot: Jell-O shots Disgusting Drink: Gin Are you even taking this seriously?: Are you? Do you think that’s an acceptable answer?: Excuse me? Did you hear what happened to Tina?: Yeah… I don’t want to talk about it…
Jade of Saul Good
Can you believe we finally solved racism?: No… Ok, let me get this straight, you want me to do what, exactly?: Things I end up asking myself a lot. How is this relevant to the conversation?: The most relevant thing I’ve done all day. What are we going to do about all this blood?: Get a straw. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it this week!
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Rule Time
Baconeggs
To be king for the day! To rule the world! To laugh at those under you and to crush your enemy with malice and vigor! Alas, you’re but another faceless drone in this wide, wacky world. Better play a game that makes you the boss. That’ll getcha’ your fix.
“But I don’t want to get up!” your brain cries as your alarm goes off at an unheard of 11:15a.m. It’s like, why even go to class if you’re not going to be well-rested? Ah, but with this all-in-one breakfast bonanza, you’ll replace sullen dread with abject resignation! Huzzah!
What You’ll Need: Beer, plebeians, a deck of cards. Number of Players: As many as you can fetch from your vast kingdom, but we suggest starting with three. Intoxication Level: You’re not the boss of me! How to Play: -All players sit around a table, one person is anointed the dealer. -Each person is dealt one card, face up. -The player with the low card for the round drinks one drink. -If two players are dealt the same card, each one drinks. -Kings are community cards, everyone drinks. -Aces are rule cards. A player dealt an ace makes a rule that is in effect until the deck runs out. -Rules are cumulative within the game, so by the end of a game, there should be four rules in place, for the four aces. -The dealer deals cards through the entire deck. After the cards run out, the deck is passed to the right and the rules are abolished. The Game Ends When: Those you’ve ground under your foot rise up to topple tyranny. Let freedom reign!
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What You’ll Need: Eggs, cheese, bacon bits. Cooking Time: 10 minutes, 8 if your professor counts tardies. Fatty Factor: Guys, it’s protein, not calories, okay? Let’s Get Baked: -Turn a burner on medium-high. -Crack 3 eggs into a bowl. Whisk them until they’re fully mixed. -Place a skillet on the burner, plop the eggs into the skillet. -Use a spatula to continuously move the eggy goodness around the skillet. -One the eggs start to coagulate, stir for, like twenty more seconds, but don’t let them get too hard. -Remove from heat, add 1.3 cup of bacon bits and as much cheese as you can handle. -Fold the cheese and bacon bits into the still-runny eggs as the residual heat from the pan finishes the cooking process. -Season with salt and pepper. Holy shit, eggs are awesome.
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seek and find
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6 degrees of separation
Pharrell to
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