The Black Sheep
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Vol. 2, Issue 11
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
e... li yo u k e p o r o rn i wn n t dor he s m r afe oom t y o f .
11/7/13 - 11/13/13
THE Top Ten Most Awkward places
to master your domain on campus BY: Mary Venuto While some of you may have been suckered into some kind of superficial cuddlyy buddy-ship, the rest of us are on our own this winter. For all you forever alones, The Black Sheep compiled a list of the weirdest places for you and your hand to make an everlasting bond.
10.) Commonwealth Stadium:
Unless it tickles your fancy to see college-aged boys in blue spandex being dominated, we’re not sure what would put you in the mood. If anything you’d get blue balled — you know because there’s blue paint on th- ok fine, you get it.
9.) Memorial Hall:
Yes, whenever you brought back your kids to this campus you’d pass Memorial Hall and conjur up a particularly memorable moment, but we’re pretty sure hastily flushing some “lost soldiers” down the toilet is not what the university had in mind when they wanted to commemorate WWI.
5.) The Wildcat Statue:
While we agree with you that the wildcat is majestic, we just don’t think it’s that kind of majestic. You shouldn’t look at animals to masturbate in the first place, let alone cold inanimate animals… but hey, whatever floats your boat.
4.) Your TA’s office:
We know you were fraught with anticipation after your TA asked to you to stop by his office so they could give you some extra guidance, but it’s important to not have your pants at your ankles while sitting in his chair when they walk in. And it’s especially important to not make seductive eye contact and keep going.
3.) Gatton Construction Area:
8.) Little Library:
The construction workers don’t need another reason to hoot and holler at the college students here on campus. Then again, maybe this would be the weird kick in the pants they need to get this shit built already.
7.) The New Dorms:
First and foremost, the food is not good enough for this type of reaction. Second and secondmost, it’s hard enough for someone to keep their appetite in there because of the smell. You’re going to ruin someone’s Mongolian grill night or worse, their tapioca pudding night.
It’s perfectly silent, so maybe you thought it’d be the perfect place to, uh, center yourself. However, everyone else can hear that mac ‘n’ cheese noise coming from under the desk, so maybe at least take the noise cancelling headphones off.
Their shower pipes are so new and unclogged you’ll feel bad for being one of the people to break them in. But you have to mark your territory somehow, right?
6.) The SAE House:
If they’ll wrap a guy up in toilet paper and set him on fire just for funsies, imagine what they’d do to the creep rubbing one out onto their Disney princess style staircase.
2.) Commons Cafeteria:
1.) The President’s House:
Aw, c’mon guys. The president’s house looks like grandma’s house, and if the first thing you think of when you see grandma’s house is to rub one out, then we’re feel sorry for your childhood. But just do it to it already, Dr. Eli is coming back soon and if there’s anything he hates more than low tuition, it’s dried up jizz in his carpeting.
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page 12
Freshman Gets Caught in Pyramid Scheme
Marcus Mumford Pursing Dream Job
It’s not your fault your roommate’s single
Oh no, not those amazing stupid knives again!
Working in construction sure as hell beats making Grammy-winning albums.
Confronting your roommate can be hard but, damn he needs to chill.
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