Vol. 3, Issue 11
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FR FIN EE... L I AL FOU KE GO R! S I N G C R E TO T W P HE ITIN O!
4/3/14 - 4/9/14
INCOMING FRESHMAN WILL BE ENCOURAGED TO
SURRENDER THEIR VEHICLES CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS
Next semester’s freshmen class will be moving into some uber-expensive MTV Cribs-worthy dorms, the cost, however, may be greater than just butchering their parents’ credit. In an ongoing effort to do everything BUT correct the problem at hand, Parking and Transportation Services has decided that they will give each new freshman their own bicycle for the year. That is, if they sign an agreement stating they won’t bring their own vehicles to campus, their first-born son will be gifted to Coach Cal on the eve of his 16th birthday, and they’ll always step on a crack to break their mother’s back. Yes, instead of constructing more parking spaces-- which would be the smart choice-- they’re going to try to eliminate the need for parking altogether. At first the idea seems kind of neat. It’s great for the environment and it’ll reduce the school’s carbon footprint. It’ll even help incoming students keep off the inevitable freshman 30. Then reality hits. The novelty of the idea wears off when someone needs to go somewhere other than Willy T or White Hall. Oh, your new job is at the mall or in Hamburg? Good luck with not getting run over on Nicholasville Road. You need to go grocery shopping? Ha, take Lextran or starve. Day–to-day life for students would become like a game of Oregon Trail gone horribly awry: your Ox has a broken leg and your wife can’t stop pooping all over the back of the wagon because she contracted dysentery. Then the snakes. Oh god, the snakes. A trip to the Wal-Mart on Nicholasville Road at any hour of the day or night is miserable enough as it is, a trip on a bike would be just awful. Like Simba running away from stampeding buffalo, you’d have aggressive stay-at-home moms in their GMC landbarges honking behind you and willing to hit you if it means getting to their kids’ soccer practice one minute sooner. And as unpredictable as Kentucky weather is, there’s a good chance you’ll
have to pedal through a blizzard just to get to Wal-Mart.
seems like a plausible solution to UK’s parking problem.
Then while you’re inside buying ramen noodles and getting distracted by the $3 DVDs, the clouds will open and a great flood will sweep your bike past the horizon into the great unknown. Not only would you be stuck with some bullshit fine for “misplacing” the bike, you’d get so thirsty from your hike back to campus that you’d resort to the only fresh water source you can find (think of any water in the pot holes the city is “fixing”). You’d be shitting your pants just like your wife on the Oregon Trail. This hardly
C’mon Eli, a bike isn’t going to help anybody. Granted, all the campuses can start their own bicycle gangs so that would be kind of cool, but when the Keeneland Queens and Donovan Divas start setting each other’s bikes on fire in an intense turf war… then what, Eli? Not to mention that you’d have to make spots for people to, gee we don’t know, park their bikes while they’re in class, or something.
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PAGES 10-11
UK STUDENT TOLD TO GO TO HELL
TOP 10: MAJORS UK SHOULD OFFER
TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE
AND HE’S REALLY OPEN ABOUT TALKING ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE. WHAT A COOL GUY.
WE’RE REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL AND BURNING COUCHES.
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DRINKING BEER AND SCREWING? IS THIS WESTEROS OR COLLEGE?