Vol. 3, Issue 11
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FR FIN EE... L I AL FOU KE GO R! S I N G C R E TO T W P HE ITIN O!
4/3/14 - 4/9/14
INCOMING FRESHMAN WILL BE ENCOURAGED TO
SURRENDER THEIR VEHICLES CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS
Next semester’s freshmen class will be moving into some uber-expensive MTV Cribs-worthy dorms, the cost, however, may be greater than just butchering their parents’ credit. In an ongoing effort to do everything BUT correct the problem at hand, Parking and Transportation Services has decided that they will give each new freshman their own bicycle for the year. That is, if they sign an agreement stating they won’t bring their own vehicles to campus, their first-born son will be gifted to Coach Cal on the eve of his 16th birthday, and they’ll always step on a crack to break their mother’s back. Yes, instead of constructing more parking spaces-- which would be the smart choice-- they’re going to try to eliminate the need for parking altogether. At first the idea seems kind of neat. It’s great for the environment and it’ll reduce the school’s carbon footprint. It’ll even help incoming students keep off the inevitable freshman 30. Then reality hits. The novelty of the idea wears off when someone needs to go somewhere other than Willy T or White Hall. Oh, your new job is at the mall or in Hamburg? Good luck with not getting run over on Nicholasville Road. You need to go grocery shopping? Ha, take Lextran or starve. Day–to-day life for students would become like a game of Oregon Trail gone horribly awry: your Ox has a broken leg and your wife can’t stop pooping all over the back of the wagon because she contracted dysentery. Then the snakes. Oh god, the snakes. A trip to the Wal-Mart on Nicholasville Road at any hour of the day or night is miserable enough as it is, a trip on a bike would be just awful. Like Simba running away from stampeding buffalo, you’d have aggressive stay-at-home moms in their GMC landbarges honking behind you and willing to hit you if it means getting to their kids’ soccer practice one minute sooner. And as unpredictable as Kentucky weather is, there’s a good chance you’ll
have to pedal through a blizzard just to get to Wal-Mart.
seems like a plausible solution to UK’s parking problem.
Then while you’re inside buying ramen noodles and getting distracted by the $3 DVDs, the clouds will open and a great flood will sweep your bike past the horizon into the great unknown. Not only would you be stuck with some bullshit fine for “misplacing” the bike, you’d get so thirsty from your hike back to campus that you’d resort to the only fresh water source you can find (think of any water in the pot holes the city is “fixing”). You’d be shitting your pants just like your wife on the Oregon Trail. This hardly
C’mon Eli, a bike isn’t going to help anybody. Granted, all the campuses can start their own bicycle gangs so that would be kind of cool, but when the Keeneland Queens and Donovan Divas start setting each other’s bikes on fire in an intense turf war… then what, Eli? Not to mention that you’d have to make spots for people to, gee we don’t know, park their bikes while they’re in class, or something.
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PAGES 10-11
UK STUDENT TOLD TO GO TO HELL
TOP 10: MAJORS UK SHOULD OFFER
TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE
AND HE’S REALLY OPEN ABOUT TALKING ABOUT HIS EXPERIENCE. WHAT A COOL GUY.
WE’RE REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL AND BURNING COUCHES.
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Shy Freshman Speaks, Becomes Giant Tool BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Lexington, KY: Shy freshman Ryan La’doolicle spoke for the first time in his Intro to Abstract Theories and Easy-Bake physics class since arrive back from Christmas break in January. “The teacher asked me my name, so I told him,” said La’doolicle when asked to reflect on this precedent-setting moment. La’doolicle then, for the fourth time during our interview, quickly excused himself to the restroom without making eyecontact. La’doolicle’s classmates were blown away when they heard him speak. “I didn’t even know someone was sitting there, I thought it was a ghost or something, man,” said Chet Shill as a rhinestone popped off of his Affliction t-shirt. “Spooky stuff right there, you ever seen Ghost Hunters? Dude wears the raddest shirts.”
04
Others, on the other hand, took notice of the sound coming from La’doolicle’s facehole. “It was, like, kind of annoying, y’know?” said Ashley Glamorglop, the walking embodiment of an upward inflection. “I was trying to talk to this grade-A piece of poon-pounder about my ski trip to ‘Spen. It was so stitch, and that little dude totally interrupted me when he asked that other little dude what his name was.” The professor, Ricklo D’Simpson, was unsure why we were even talking to him about this. “Is this your job? You asked people about other people saying their name?” Simpson inquired. “He said his name, not the cure for cancer. Get the hell outta my face with that camera.” In an attempt to get by our wall of journalistic intention, Simpson shoved Josh, the The Black Sheep cameraman away. Josh
lost his footing and was struck by an oncoming cyclist. Josh can be visited at Central Baptist Hospital, though he is in a coma. In a follow-up interview with La’doolicle, we found out that things could not be going better for the freshman who spoke in class. “I’m like a celebrity now bro,” said La’doolicle sporting a bedazzled Affliction tee and Italian greaser accent. “I got teachers asking me questions left and right like I’m Webster or something, y’know? I’m like, ‘No professor, who do you think Copernicus was?’ gets ‘em every time.” La’doolicle now travels around with a posse of no less than eight dime-pieces, “or 16 nickels, if y’know what I mean.” La’doolicle unironically yarns. Having witnessed the transformation, Professor Simpson has since apologized
for putting our cameraman Josh into a coma and agreed to a five-minute interview in exchange for us dropping the multi-million dollar lawsuit against him. As the monument of journalistic integrity in Lexington, KY, The Black Sheep gladly made the deal; Josh can pay for his own bills, we answer only to the call of news. “Dude’s a real dick now,” said Simpson. “He walked in front of the projector and that shirt of his blinded the first three rows. Literally. They can’t see anymore.”
La’doolicle doesn’t see the problem with his new swag. “Hater’s are going to hate,” said La’doolicle, who then popped his shirt at us and shouted to a female student if “‘Dat ass was certified beef, or what?” La’doolicle’s parents could not be reached for comment, most likely due to the intense shame felt when they received the picture of their son we faxed to them. More people should fax.
CURRENT EVENTS
UK STUDENT TOLD TO GO TO HELL;
DOES, TALKS ABOUT EXPERIENCE BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Known for his epic smart-assery, ability to drive any professor to the point of resignation, and his flawless hair, Fez Martin is a popular topic of conversation amongst students and professors alike. He knows how to push his professors to the edge, but during a particularly brutal math lesson he pushed too hard. Fez was antsy; having just rode his multiple motorcycles in a single drag race just 20 minutes before. Bored with the class, he let loose a stream of sarcastic comments under his breath to match everything his professor said. The professor cracked five minutes later. He stood up, slammed his hands on his desk, and shouted, “Go to Hell, Fez!” Shocked, Fez shut his pie hole for the remainder of the period and contemplated what the professor had said. Fez’s classmates, surprised that their class clown had no witty response, grew silent as everyone stared in disbelief. Well, all but one kid who declared, “Damn teach’, you scary!” After class Fez, the downtrodden douche, was walking to his dorm when he noticed a gaping hole in the Earth. Assuming UK was building yet another Subway, he decided to get a closer look. Fez, being the world’s most sarcastic danger-seeker, climbed into the hole just as flames spurted up and evil laughter was heard for miles. Two other kids, apparently as curious as Fez, peered into the hole, only to fall in and die, but this isn’t about those clumsy fucks. Fez gathered that this was an actual pit into Hell and thought about retreating… but Fez just couldn’t resist the sweet, sweet literalism of taking his teacher’s advice and actually going to Hell. Weeks later, the hole reappeared in the middle of campus. Students stared as Fez climbed back out of the hole. He looked down into
the pit, waved, and said, “Bye Satan! See ya in 30 years!” The Black Sheep caught up with Fez after his hellish experience. “Hell wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, the constant screaming annoyed the hell out of me, in the most literal way, but the barbeque was amazing! I’ll definitely have to ask the devil for the recipe for his glaze!” We asked Fez about the supposed torture that goes on and said, “Well, it turns out the idea of torture there is more along the lines of playing “Call Me Maybe” for eternity. Other than that, everyone was really nice! Plus my burns from the flames peeled and now I’m tan which is pretty tan-tastic.” When asked about the people he met while in Hell, Fez gave a very interesting answer, “Well obviously I met Hitler. Ya know, people make him sound a lot worse than is. He taught me a lot, especially about ovens. The man knows everything about ‘em! Oddly enough, Jesus was there and lemme tell ya, he was turnin’ water into more than just wine. My last night there, Jesus got us all kinds of fucked up.” Fez tells us he doesn’t plan on going back to Hell anytime soon. “Honestly, I just did it for the joke. I don’t see any reason to go back unless someone tells me to ‘go to Hell’ again. But who would want to do that anyway? I’m like the nicest guy!” With jovial laughs we jokingly told him to go to Hell. On an unrelated note, Fez has been reported missing since The Black Sheep last spoke with him. If you see Fez Martin you should really inform someone. Like the police or something, we don’t really care, we’re just a paper.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT IS YOUR CHEESIEST PICK-UP LINE FOR A MILF/DILF? James, Freshman
“Are those your kids? I’d work well with them!”
Briona, Freshman
“I’m a college student ya know...wanna tutor me?”
Tess, Freshman
“Age ain’t nothing...unless it’s 69. That can be so much more than a number.”
06
AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
MAJORS UK SHOULD OFFER MARY VENUTO WROTE THIS
Now that midterms are over everyone can begin second-guessing their career path. After enduring that long week of Adderall abuse, multiple visits to the Ovids’ Starbucks, and periodic emotional breakdowns that left us assuming the fetal position underneath our third floor study table in Willy T, many of us are starting to wonder if all the student loans and pounds of homework are worth it for some shiny bachelor of arts in whatever. Here is a top ten list of majors we would gladly lose our sleep and raise blood pressure for. 10.) Chiefin-cigs-outside-of-Willy T-ology: Your exams would cover how to light a cigarette with the wind blowing in your face or how to nonchalantly put your cigarette behind your back and fidget with your phone when a security guard walks outside to remind people it’s a tobacco-free campus.
FRATERNITY CRISIS: CONSPIRACY UNCOVERED REBECCA ANDERSON WROTE THIS Turmoil has recently erupted within our Kentucky Greek community, creating a situation that is the source of outrage for many Wildcats. If you thought staying off campus to down your KG shots would keep you safe from the wrath of Student Affairs Officer Dean Susan West, President Eli Capilouto, and the IFC Judicial Board, you thought wrong. The Black Sheep, in an attempt to find the root of this conflict, snuck in and overheard a conversation between Dean West and Eli at Maxwell Place on Monday afternoon. Hold onto your half-lit Marlboro Lights, because what we unveiled may surprise you. “I’ll be the first to admit my hatred of fraternities, Susie, but this isn’t just a personal vendetta, it’s my duty.” A plume of smoke rose from Capilouto’s lips. “I’ve been appointed by a divine being to rid this campus of all beerdrinking frat mongrels, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.” Eli launched into a crazed monologue, explaining how Scratch, the university’s mascot, had appeared to him in a dream, giving him instructions on which fraternities to disband, and how to go about screwing them over. After this Eli started mumbling gibberish; Mrs. Capilouto entered the room, claiming it was time for his nap. “Little does he know that I’m Scratch,” Susan West slyly whispered under her breath as Mrs. Capilouto was ushering Eli into his race car bed. She continued narrating to herself for no reason, “and I’ve been whispering this scenario, along with the names of several fraternities, into Capilouto’s ear during his nightly REM cycles, creating his divine hallucination!” She burst out, cackling wildly. “My ultimate goal is to completely end Greek
life here at the University of Kentucky” she went on, stupidly, “and the first step is to start kicking off campus the fraternities that everyone likes; even if they’ve done nothing wrong. So far, I’ve given Phi Delt the boot, and have yet another fraternity within my grasp!”
9.) Pie Science: Tell your grandma to sit down because these pies are the best thing since your Grandma’s hip replacement. This degree would make it so you could re-create the combination pie or May Day pie from scratch while you’re blind folded and asleep. 8.) Statistics of Basketball Lotteries: Students would pay buku money to know their chances of winning the lottery, or if it’s even worth it for them to sit in Memorial Hall waiting an hour or two before their group number is called. 7.) Louisville Hater Theory: Your homework assignments would be to tweet mean things at Rick Pitino and develop a thesis as to why anyone would root for the Cards in the first place. Extra credit given to those who convert Louisville fans. 6.) “Snow Bunny” Studies: Ever wonder how to be as popular as Stone Cold Willow? Ever want to call girls “snow bunnies”? A degree in snow bunny studies would make it so your head was blown up one hundred times its normal size and put on a poster during basketball games. Plus, it comes with a great dental plan. 5.) Couch Burning-ology: A minor in rioting would be a nice complementary sub-focus in your studies. If there’s one thing Wildcats know how to do is how to set a couch perfectly ablaze and then chant “C-AT-S” until the SWAT team shoots rubber bullets into a crowd.
West continued narrating to an empty room, senselessly, “It’s only a matter of time,” she chortled, “before the others fall into my hands; all I need are a few more sorority girls who either date professors, or think their alcohol tolerance is stronger than it actually is. Who cares about ruining bid days and banning Greek Week? After six years of implementing increasingly absurd policies, it’s time to move onto bigger and better things!” Becoming more and more excited, she ranted, mad: “This is the most power I’ve had in my entire life! How could I not demonstrate the lengths to which it extends? I made the IFC Judicial Board my bitch a long time ago, but now that I have President Capilouto under my thumb, my plans will be able to be executed fully! I don’t even have to stop there! I could move onto another university after UK, I could even, eventually, end Greek life throughout the entire SEC! I am quee-“
4.) Keeneland Studies: Imagine if you had a dollar for every time you went to Keeneland and woke up $150 poorer with no idea how you ended up half-naked in the bed of some truck. You wouldn’t have to worry about losing that $150, that’s for sure.
Our reporter left at this point; the last place anyone wants to be is trapped in an enclosed space with a manic Susan West.
3.) Two Keys Twerk Star Certificate: It takes a special kind of person to handle $10 all-you-can-drink, a bitchin’ bass line, and a drunk girl dropping it low right in front of you. It’s a wonder why it’s not part of the UK Core program.
So, fellow Wildcats, as you’re preparing for future boozing binges and off campus shenanigans, shotgun those Natty Lights with caution, and watch out for a few crazed university officials wandering around State Street on a Friday night trolling for their next organization of victims.
2.) Dorm Engineering: You’ll learn the ins-and-outs of how to sneak in more than two signed-in guests and the sacred art of not slurring your last name and room number when you sign in at 4a.m. 1.) Foot Stabbing Theory: We do have the best faculty for this field of study, the mysterious Foot Stabber himself. You would be the protégé of the most illusive foot stabber of all time. You could be the student that outsmarts the master and carries on the tradition. Or you know, just major in accounting, move to a suburb and have all your dreams die. That’s cool, too.
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Tyrion Lannister’s
GUIDE TO COLLEGE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS
When picking idols from Westeros, it’s very important that you choose wisely. Taking advice from Walder Frey seems harmless when you’re shtupping sixteen-year-olds, but if you’re not careful, you could end up [SEASON 3 SPOILER ALERT] mass-murdering your King and his entire posse at his uncle’s wedding. And listening to Theon Greyjoy could get your wiener cut off and sent to your dad. It’s a tricky business. That’s why it’s important to recognize the magnificence of Tyrion Lannister, our pocket-sized Westerosi idol. Tyrion not only has never killed anyone that we liked, he lives his life by a code we can really get behind: “Fuck bitches, get money.” He’s a clever little imp with a shitty dad and incestuous siblings (something we can all relate to) and he knows how to work the business-end of a shield. Is this wine-logged, scar-faced dwarf great? Yes. The greatest? Absolutely. A standard we should hold ourselves to the rest of our lives? Pretty much. Let’s all model our lives after our favorite little monster, starting with college!
F*CK BITCHES:
Take what you can get, man. Tyrion understands the importance of poon, make no mistake. Bitches’ cold asses belong on the wall though, because they won’t touch the pintsized player. Does this bother tiny Tyrion? Bitch please. Nothing cramps this Lion’s style. When ladies don’t respond to his smooth moves, Tyrion takes his dang-ding-dong to a hooker house. He spewnds a medium-sized fortune on hookers every year, not because he got his wittle feewings hurt and needs numbing no-nos, but because he knows that to keep his brain running at optimum levels he has to bone on the reg. We can all learn something from that.
GET MONEY:
When your bank account is bottomless, so is your beer. When your beer is bottomless, so is your weekend. To party like a rock star, you need to write un-bounced checks like a rock star. How? Tyrion suggests being born a Lannister. But if you’re a loser that can’t be born a Lannister, marry a Lannister. Bang a Lannister. Blackmail a Lannister. Entertain a Lannister. Pretend to be a Lannister. Make shoes for a Lannister. Somehow get a Lannister indebted to you, because a Lannister always pays his debts. God, you really do need to find a rich friend or two.
DRINK:
Drinking is good for you. It relieves stress, protects you from dealing with your sister sober and isn’t cholera-laced water that will kill you dead. But don’t be drinking whatever like some idiot Baratheon. No, the Imp has some ground rules: 1.) Being drunk all the time is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Earn your drunkenness. 2.) Everything is better with a belly full of wine, especially your parents. 3.) Start with the cocktails and don’t touch the
cheap crap until you’re too drunk to know the difference. Don’t be a noob.
BE CLEVER:
You’re in college because you’re smart, and you’re smart because you have to compensate for that face somehow. See what we did there? That there was Grade-A eloquent snark. The clever insult is Tyrion’s bread and butter, and it can be yours too if you stop acting like a dumbass. Get your head out of that prostitute’s lice-filled crotch and into your books! A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, and honey, the sharper yours is, the more quickly you can cut through idiot [insert rival school nickname here]’s. “Maybe if you didn’t want to get pissed on, you should have worn better shoes. You banal troglodyte.” There, there’s your first one. You’re welcome.
HIT BELOW THE BELT:
Yeah, that’s a short joke. So sue us.
BE PATIENT:
Don’t have a “short” temper. Boom! There’s another one!
TYRION IS EXTREMELY SHORT:
Hahaha! We are on FIRE with these jokes!
PERSPECTIVE :
College seems enormous, and every little quiz is like another monster exam. Every little fling is a promise, every little hurdle a mountain, every little STD, AIDS. That’s exaggerating, and you’re a drama queen. Stop being a drama queen. Find the biggest obstacle you can find and laugh in its face until it feels self conscious and runs away. Face a horde of dirty, smelly mountain men and charm them to your side. Climb a mile-high ice wall and piss off the edge, you crazy bastard you! When
you get to the top, everyone else looks super small for a change! Pee on them!
DRINK MORE:
Woohoo! Wine makes everything wonderful! Beer makes everyone beautiful! Vodka makes everything...vanguard! If you plan on going through life without getting taller, prettier or richer, you’d better start doing it drunker, and we don’t mean white-girl drunker! Drinking is serious business. No one’s going to take you seriously if six ales turn you into a giggly country music-listener. That’s not good drinking. That’s not appropriate behavior. Master the art of being drunk constantly. The constant drunk, like our favorite Lion, can double fist both beers AND significant plot-affecting conversations. Get to that level.
DRINK MORE:
Why are you still sober enough to read this?
SELF-ESTEEM:
Be realistic—if you’re short, be short; if you’re a dick, be a dick; if you can’t rap fo’ crap, be white. Own the shit you get shit for, because if you open with, “Hi, I’m Dennis and I can’t grow a beard,” no one’s going to turn around and say, “Wow, Dennis should change his name to “Denise,” because that is one girly face.” They won’t be all, “Do you think he has a testosterone deficiency? That poor girly bastard, let’s Photoshop boobs on his Facebook picture.” They can’t be like, ‘Did you see Denise’s mustache? Haha, she thinks she’s a guy, haha,’ because you’ve already covered that. “If you turn your weakness into armor, it can’t be used to hurt you,” unless your weakness is, like, iron maidens or something.
FAMILY:
Tyrion Lannister knows very well that family is the number one priority. Even if your sister’s a bitch that does the do with her twin,
your twinbred nephew has the personality of poisoned cake, your mother is dead and your father wishes you were dead, family has to come first because they’re the ones with the non-delinquent bank account. Yeah, Dad, I’m disappointed in my choice of career paths too. Can you help me out with rent this month?
DRAGONS:
Are dragons a metaphor for power? A symbol of the a-changing times? Heroin? It doesn’t matter. Dragons are real, and you should ignore everybody who says they’re not. Follow your dragons to the ends of the earth. Hijack them. Fly them back. Destroy everyone who ever called you fat in middle school. Burn them. Cook them. Let your dragon feast onwait, what were we talking about?
HAVE FUN:
Are you drunk yet? The best part of a functional alcoholism like Tyrion’s is that he can do all the same shit a sober Lannister can do, but he gets to do it with whiskey goggles, so it seems remarkably less shitty! Imagine being able to go to work without fantasizing about burning Taco Bell to the ground! Laughing at your geology professor’s rock jokes! Making small talk with the scary guy that’s always in the laundry room corner! The world is yours to laugh at, dance with, party on and mash erogenous zones with, so why be sad and sober? When you have serenaded yourself, drunk yourself happy, tamed some hardcore strange, found your dragon and boobs, read an awesome book, rented a couple dozen hookers, bought a couple dudes, tolerated your family, climbed a mountain, rolled around in gold coins, danced with your demons and killed a dude with a shield, THEN you will be as happy, as perfect and as awesome as Tyrion Lannister.
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HOOKING-UP WITH YOUR TA: THE FIVE STAGES BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Banging your TA is probably on your college bucket list, as it should be. You had a teacher in high school that you totally wanted to bone but the age gap was way too wide, and he was married with two kids. So now, here, in college, this is your time—now there’s someone who is your academic superior, but closer to you in age: Your TA. Just know that it’s not all sunshine and perfect grades. Here are the five stages when you’re expecting some sweet lovin’ from your TA. Stage One: The Meeting: You’ve told yourself that in order to get laid consistently, it’s important that you’re easy and open to new experiences. It’s Monday, your favorite night to go out, and you’ve successfully made it into the knickers of some miscellaneous person you bonded with over shots at Rick’s. Rolling off of the foreign bed and crashing to the floor in a haze, you look at the clock and remember you have class in 40 minutes. It’s now that he mentions that he also has class… in the same building, same room. It’s your TA. Stage Two: Realization: Of course this isn’t just any class, this is COM 225, a class
on interpersonal communication that preaches how to achieve a healthy, safe relationship (spoiler alert: this situation is not what the professors advise). After laughing at the ridiculousness of your life until you have a well-sculpted six pack, you make your way to class with the partner, and you think everyone knows what you two were up to (they probably do). You sit in his eye line, and of course the topic is about falling in love, and the dangers of hookups and forming actual relationships, so you just keep giggling because there is nothing else to do except take notes. But why? You’re banging the TA.
“Leverage becomes commonplace: ‘You could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam...” Stage Three: Continuation: After allowing this whole thing to actually sink in, it gets pretty awesome. Telling people you’re “going to office hours” means you’re going
to bang for a half-hour, and leverage becomes commonplace: “you could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam…” It’s pretty great, if you’re into that kind of thing. Whether they’re actually in charge of your grades or not, you’re going to do better on the next exam because you can take the Billy Madison approach to studying, stripping for the right answers. Hey, positive incentives work. Stage Four: Weirdness: You thought this was going to be four-points and foreplay the whole time? Nope, it gets weird. One of you mentions a concept from class and things get uncomfortable. It actually occurs to you that this is your TA. It’s starting to seem a lot like banging your boss, except instead of monetary promotion, you just get a few extra points on your problem set. Like it or not, they’re one step above you once you walk in that lecture hall, and in the end, that sucks. Stage Five: Ending It: Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was a great run, definitely an experience for bragging, something to cross off the bucket
list, but you have bigger things to start doing. It’s time to focus on banging on the Patterson statue, taking a dump ain all campus bathrooms, and punching a Cardinal fan in the face. So you call it quits over a high five and exchange delightful pleasantries every Tuesday and Thursday, while keeping an eye out and making sure he’s not banging some other student, that shit is unacceptable.
So if you’re wondering what it’s like to get it on with a professor—that’s messed up, what is wrong with you? Just hook-up with a TA. They’re practically your age and generally do most of the stupid things you do, so it’ll work for a few weeks. Just remember, no one wants to be that person that married their TA. Gross.
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Relationship Status: Super single
BARTENDER
Major: Theatre Favorite Drink: Vodka and ginger ale Favorite Shot: White gummy bear
ROCKSTAR
Disgusting Drink: Anything with gin What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Channing Tatum could stop by, I wouldn’t be mad about it.
OF THE WEEK
What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: “Oh shit.”
Taylor of The Local Taco
This bar’s motto, five words or less: Eat, drink, have a good time.
Give us an original swear word substitute: Rats What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: My life hasn’t been that interesting. Would you rather be caught eating a booger or smelling your own fart?: Smelling my own fart. If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: My ego. How are we going to get out of this mess?: More booze. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s always fun, informative, and a good read.
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the crossword
famous michaels
ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on
which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.
DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers (baby), two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog dighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
15
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the m.a.s.h.
Tast
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
You’re going on a trip to… - Seattle - Los Angeles - Tuscon - Omaha
The sick whip of choice is… - An old-school RV - A 2014 Ford Escape - A Boeing 757 - A Chevy Astrovan
The only bummer is… - there’s no gas in the tank. - you forgot your cell phone charger. - the vehicle is loud as hell. - you forgot a lighter.
WIth your very best friend… - Kitty Pryde - Miley Cyrus - Taylor Momsen - Michelle Obama
It’s pimped out with… - like, 100 televisions - stripper poles - plush, cheetah carpeting - disco balls
and her new boyfriend… - Jeff Garlin - Prince Harry - Carson Daly - Vladimir Putin
and the mini fridge is loaded with… - strawberries - canned cat food - Patron - 11-year aged Wisconsin cheddar
When you got to your destination, the first thing you did was… - take a friggin’ leak. - masturbate. - buy some damn Fritos. - do some yoga.
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The second thing you did was… - get mad wasted. - Instagram some scenic views. - smoke a joint. - look for the nearest strip club.