The Black Sheep
FR EE . fa .. lik nt e as liv y w in or g in ld a .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @UKBlackSheep
Volume 1, Issue 12 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
spoiler alert: The Myths and Realities of Next Semester mary venuto wrote this As spring semester comes to a close most of us can’t help but fantasize about how great next fall semester is going to be. In our happy-daydream-land, our social lives rival Beyonce’s, we’re totally on top of our schoolwork and unicorns come back from wherever they’ve been hiding. As weathered veterans of this practice, though, we have come to realize that our imagination sets the bar for next semester just a bit out of reach. Don’t let yourselves be fooled; lowering your expectations for next year can save yourself a great deal of disappointment come autumn. Freshman myth vs. reality: Been there, done that. You assume that there’s nowhere to go but up. You figure freshman year is when you’re going through that awkward post-high school transformation. Sophomore year, on the other hand, is when you’re totally gonna hatch from a cocoon, dry your butterfly wings and soar! What you don’t realize is that sophomore year is a second freshman year, except now you know how much on-campus food sucks. Sophomore myth vs. reality: Oh boy! Junior year! You suspect junior year is filled with super special secret upper classman perks. You think that by not having to take any more UK Core classes your academic schedule will prove to be more meaningful and relevant. What you don’t realize is that you just have harder classes with stricter attendance policies, and the motivation of a bullpen catcher. Junior myth vs. reality: Oh yeah, almost done with all that bureaucratic college bullshit. Senior year is when all the dreams you had entering college come true. You and all your friends will be twenty-one -- no bouncer can turn you away now. You also assume that you’ll have a job lined up in October so you can screw around for the rest of your academic career. Come April you realize how much you took the three previous years for granted. You even play around with the idea of changing your major so you can prolong entering the real world. Instead, you go out in a blaze of glory when you start crying in the middle of your last exam. Senior myth vs. reality: A year after graduation, you’ll be more broken, both financially and morally, than ever before. You real-
All's Fair in Love and Weather a story of passion, love, breakups and crappy weather.
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ize the American Dream is more like a nightmare. Long nights spent flipping burgers at McDonalds often leaves you smelling like a sad mix of grease and defeat. You’re constantly looking over your shoulder in fear of the Fed finding you and demanding you pay back all that $80,000 worth of student loans you owe. And all of this shame and failure might even be okay if you didn’t just also lose the simple freedom of masturbating whenever you get the urge because your mom doesn’t understand the concept of knocking first then entering your room.
what'’s inside
our guide on Surviving the Rest of Your Semester Four more weeks... four more weeks!!!
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When we take off our rose-colored glasses and come down a little bit, we see that the grass isn’t so much greener on the other side. We realize that college students and cattle waiting for slaughter are kindred spirits. So my brethren, cherish what little time you have left to day drink on a lazy Wednesday without wearing any pants while it’s still socially acceptable. And keep looking for those fucking unicorns.
How to be Awesome at Life we give you a guide for fabulous living and dying.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: how moms can help college women get their sexy back
page 4
Moms, saving the day yet again!
page 4: from the streets
What about Keeneland opening has you most excited?
page 5: The Top 10: Dumbest Things to Say to a Vegetarian
Seriously about the animal crackers? SERIOUSLY?!
Table of
page 11: Bartender of the week
Erica from Pazzo's wants to share a drink with her good friend Blake.
page 11: Drinking game and recipe for disaster
Go Drunken Fish and Mom's Homemade Wasted Pizza. Everything your 6-year-old self would've wanted!
pages 12-13: We're All Going to Die!!! According to all the apocalyptic movies coming out this summer, that is.
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word of the week Illuminaughty:
A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What about Keeneland starting up has you most excited? "College Day... I'm trying to win some scholarship money and free stuff!" - Brad H., Freshman
how moms can help college women get their sexy back
"Dressing up and tailgating!" - Sarah M., Sophomore
Nicole Barnes wrote this Today parents are all up in arms about a certain little undergarment line that was released by a certain little well-known store which we, to avoid any certain little legal action, will refer to here as Victoria's Secret Panty Palace. As you may have heard in the news, Victoria's Secret Panty Palace's latest release has been said to target underage girls. And of course, The Black Sheep is outraged. It's such a shame... …a shame, that is, that parents are too damn lazy to explain to their children why they shouldn't be shopping for lingerie at the age of nine any-damn-way. These days so many children inhabit the store that when college-aged girls try to shop there, we feel like we're too old! Victoria's Secret Panty Palace's largest group of customers derives from the present and future casts of Teen Mom. When we were young, many of us were still wearing underwear with the days of the week on them. Children’s underwear used to be educational. Seriously, America, why the hell are you letting your daughters anywhere near Victoria's Secret Panty Palace? And now clueless parents have the audacity to get upset that a sexy panty store sells um… sexy panties? Oh no, maybe we are misunderstanding parents again. The parents claim to be upset because it markets to underage girls. Well, the clothing line was initially targeting college women, but it so happened that your training-bra-wearing, floozy-lookin' children swarmed the store like strippers to a money-covered pole while we watched the death of age-appropriate sex appeal take place. Childless college women are no happier about this than you are. Dammit, we want our sexy back. And you nice parents want your children back, no? Now, you can't prevent other people's children from becoming bee-sting laden skanks, but what you can do is make sure your child isn't wearing words across her butt that imply her proclivity for anal. Don’t give up, parents. The old maids from the college town have a simple piece of advice to help you out with your thongwearing toddler, so that we may find our way back into the spotlight. Withhold their money. This may come as a shock to you, but did you know that you don't have to give young girls money? Yeah! You can provide for your child without putting dollars in her hand and waving her off to the store to buy a g-string. The neglected ladies of The Black Sheep did some analytical research and ran data models, finding that most teens and tweens do not, in fact, pay bills. Their little punk-asses do not need to be given money. As our simple formula postulates: no money = no exposed ass cheeks. This leaves all the indecent exposure incidents to the current generation of drunk college girls who’ll lose political elections later in life because 40 random dudes somehow have photos of them flashing their boobies to people in the streets on St. Patrick's Day, because green beer at 8 a.m. was an awesome idea. Do you want this to be your child? We didn't think so. Hide the money. And let it be us who ruin our futures, not them. Parents -- you are more than welcome for the intervention. The Back Sheep intends to bring grown women back into style. We intend to fight against the providing of parking spaces for bikes with training wheels at the mall… one tightly-zipped pocketbook at a time. Call it a revolution, we're taking back our stores, our sex appeal and our damn self-esteem. Punk-ass kids.
"Tailgating, and betting... I wanna get my money up this month." - Kyle G., Senior
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The
Top 10
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Dumbest Things to Say to a Vegetarian
Being vegetarian has become a fad lately, especially with the countless sheeple bragging about grazing Tally-Ho's pastures. Clearly, being a vegetarian is hard. Omnivores give us all sorts of judgmental beef about it. So next time you have a hot date and decide to surprise her with latenight delivery, don't let her timid request for Texas Toast fool you. Be suave and make a good impression by avoiding the following: 10.) “How do you get protein?” Unless you are a doctor or mother, you do not get to ask this question. If your date does not look malnourished or dead, she’s fine. 9.) “So you’re a vegan?” When did the word vegan ever come up? A vegetarian is a vegetarian. And they say that not to play some crazy mind game with you. It’s because they’re actually a vegetarian. Not a vegan. 8.) “Should I not be eating this in front of you?” It’s good that you’re trying to be sensitive, but the situation is a lot more awkward now than if you had obliviously carried on. Nobody will actually tell you to stop eating your chicken. And if your date tells you to stop, she’s a bitch. In that case, you should dump her.
All’s Fair in Love and Weather: An Explanatory Parable Shauntionne Mosley wrote this Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a woman by the name of Mother Nature. From the time she was born, sweet little Mother Nature knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life; she wanted to be the Queen of the Seasons. Through hard work and dedication she worked her way up the rungs, past Zeus then Jove, no glass ceiling for this lady. For a while she was actually good at her job, fall was cool, in the winter she made it snow, in the summer it was hot, and in the spring she made it rain harder than Travis Porter. Yes, when Mother Nature was on her shit all was well in the city of Lexington, until he came. He was new in town, and we all know the new guy always gets the most play in stories like this. The Tooth Fairy, Cupid’s momma, hell, even the Sandman, the all wanted him to frolic in their britches. And who wouldn’t? He was tall, handsome, he was never late for anything. But he didn’t want them, he wanted Mother Nature. Mother Nature was beside herself when Father Time approached her with his game. She tried to throw hail storms and hurricanes his way, but Father Time was too smooth for that shit. He dodged the hailstorms, slid under the rain, and paused time when he faced the hurricane. It was no use, Mother Nature finally gave in to his charm. Their love soon blossomed, and because of it Lexington had the most beautiful spring! However, like any other basic-ass love story there had to be some kind of drama—it’s in the rules under “basic plot construction” or whatever. Father Time began to slowly miss his wild college days before finding love. He reminisced fondly
on the one time in college he put time in slow motion so he could watch his frat brother vomit all over some unfortunate frat groupie. At parties every cheerleader on campus told him what time it was whenever he stepped onto the scene. It was carefree days like these that made him question what he was doing being tied down. He was a bad boy at one time, and being all about time, this bothered him.
7.) “Do you eat hamburgers?” If you ask this question seriously you should be beaten over the head with a dictionary for evidently forgetting the definition for either “vegetarian” or “hamburger.” If you asked it as a joke you will not be getting a second date. Even if you meant veggie burgers, get a grip. It’s called, “thinking before speaking.” 6.) “I have a friend who’s a vegetarian!” Again, it’s great that you’re trying to be nice, but the only place that this conversation can go is right into the ground. The only real response they could come up with here would be “…cool…” and if you’re lucky maybe a question afterward. But don’t count on that because it would take the focus off of the vegetarian in front of you, which, after all, completely defeats the purpose of being a vegetarian. 5.) “I could never be vegetarian.” Then don’t be one. On a side note, self-defeating statements always make a good first impression. 4.) “I tried that, but I missed bacon too much.” This is similar to the last statement. It’s cool that you’ve tried being a veggie, but as soon as you mention that you missed steak, bacon, or whatever tickles your fancy you are going to lose the interest of any vegetarian. Believe it or not, they are still vegetarian and likely can’t relate to that. 3.) “You’re missing out!” You’d think that a vegetarian would be aware of what they’re missing due to the fact that they chose to go down the herbivore road. This statement, undoubtedly, will not resonate with them at all, and will result in a judgmental look and (even more likely) an end to your clearly fabulous date. Don’t count on a SnapChat later.
So the arguments came, the fighting grew and everything was spiraling out of control. Names were being called, Rolex collections were tossed, and the once-inseparable lovers were on the rocks. The eternal balance finally came apart when she caught him and Mrs. Claus getting it in on the clouds Mother Nature and Father Time first “spent time on.” After that it was over for them… and everybody else. She started partying with those ratchet elves up north, twerking with twinkle fairies, and doing lines of snowcaine with pixies. The Groundhog tried to do use his psychic abilities to help the suffering students of Kentucky, but in a drunken rage Mother Nature struck him with lightning and made a scarf out of him, simply because she was could. Drunk, crazed and heartbroken, Mother Nature descended into a dark torment of manic weather and drug addiction, not even sure what season it was anymore. We poor kids haven’t been able to tell whether or not we can pull out our daisy dukes or be forced to go back to the peacoats. Whatever it is, though, we ask that Mother Nature and Father Time get it together before we have to go up there and raise some hell. It’s about goddamned time our weather and our seasons start getting back on the same page.
2.) “So you think animals are better than people?“ Vegetarians don’t eat people. What is this, Soylent Green? 1.) “Do you eat animal crackers?” Ding ding ding! Do we have a winner? If you ask this you are either an asshole or an idiot. Survey says... both!
tbs staff wrote this
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$6 AAA Discount! A shot of Ancient Ancient Age Bourbon and a pint of Falls City
Say it ain’t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
Happy Hour 2-7pm! $6 Pitchers of Bud 126pm, Live Music
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Happy Hour 2-7pm $5 Pitchers, $6 Quesadillas at 7pm
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
black sheep guide on Surviving
the Rest of Your Semester Neal Querio wrote this
We faithful UK students have exactly five weeks left of school before it’s summertime, and trust us, that heat and sunshine couldn’t come any faster. We’re tired of shivering on our way to class, we’re tired of wearing our giant winter jackets everywhere we go, and we’re goddamned tired of being pale as a ghost when we prematurely break out our Kentucky-proud jorts. So let’s focus on how to survive the rest of the semester. After all, it may be five more weeks, but it only takes one four-day bender to send yourself straight back to a second stint on academic probation. First of all, if your midterm grades were below a C you might want to hedge you bets and fold, or in this case, formally withdraw from class. Is this giving up? Absolutely it is. But throwing in the towel can be liberating for your GPA, particularly if you’ve spent the past semester liberating yourself from painful, cognizant sobriety. At the very least go talk to your professor and see if you have any chance at salvaging your trashed academic career. Most professors were once slackers themselves, and are generally willing to help. That is, unless your low grades are from lack of participation and attendance -- that’s an affront to your professor, and you bet they’ll take it personally. Your best chance is to just drop that sucker and retake the course. Don’t forget, you get three repeat options here at UK. Don’t waste them. And once you lighten your course load, go ahead and take some time for yourself. These next few weeks are going to fly by, while also managing to be the longest days of your life if you don’t schedule some fun time in. Sure… hit the gym, take a nap. or do whatever healthy, proactive shit you do -- just find some time, even if it’s an hour, to shop online or catch up on some TV shows. You just went through the stressful process of giving up on a sort-of tough class; you need to make time for yourself. You’ll feel so much less tense come finals time that you won’t snap a million pencils or pull all your eyelashes out like you normally do come test time. If you are in any classes that involve science, math, engineering or any discipline that actually implies a promising career, disregard everything you’ve read and start studying immediately. You can’t afford to mess this up; fine arts and communications majors rely on you to pay for our unemployment checks later in life. We’re so proud of you! Don’t let us down!
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Also, pop an Adderall or two. Err, just kidding. Officially, of course, The Black Sheep does not condone the abuse of prescription medication. Unless you’re actually prescribed Adderall, in which case The Black Sheep strongly encourages to slip your prescribed medication under the door of room 132 Blazer Hall, so the doctors there can make sure you’re not being prescribed placebos. The key to surviving the rest of the semester is to keep your head up and make changes in the areas that you’re struggling with – whether that’s getting your grades up enough to pass, drinking away the fear of the real world, or finally sticking your little sex pistol into a hot slippery holster. Overall, hang in there; summer is just around the corner, and worse case scenario: you use your failure as an excuse to stay in Lexington over the summer to re-take it. You know how we mentioned some relaxation time? Schedule in some party time as well. We’re still in college after all, and years of generic Hollywood movies have implied that partying is our birthright. If you can muddle through the Sunday hangover and get all your shit done, then you’ve got a license to go wild. If you’re a weaker being and just can’t move past the pounding headache and constant vomit, then your drinking is negatively affecting your schoolwork, and you might need to re-evaluate your life decisions.
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
How to Be Awesome at Life:
A Black Sheep Guide to Living and Dying G. Jordan Johnson wrote this “I wake up in the morning and piss excellence.” – Ricky Bobby The human experience is a strange one. You’re shot out of another human, tossed into a systematic, mostly automated, existence of predetermined entrances and exits, working and sleeping away most of your years—only to die in the end and have all your precious shit given away. It can be a morose realization once it hits you in the face (somewhere between age 18-30) but The Black Sheep prefers to see our finitude as a basis for happiness. This shit isn’t going to last forever…hooray! We buck the idea that life is somehow bittersweet. Life is long and short in the same breath and seemingly at the wrong times, but that reality shouldn’t become overwhelming—and never saddening. The world we live in isn’t a world setup for immortality or even unusually long life. Human civilization tends to suck more than it blows. We are perfectly content with our projected 75 year life span… barring there isn’t a traffic-light-disregarding bus driver out there predestined to cross our path prematurely. And you too can be awesome before, during, and after that bus driver finds you, starting with changing your demeanor. The most important piece of advice we can give you is to be kinder to others. Kind and gentlemanly scholars do not traipse about campus with a smug look on their face and malice in their hearts. The happiest of people get out of life what they put in; if your primary input is bitterness and scorn, you’ll get a heaping spoonful right back every morning in your piss-filled Cheerios. Suck it up kids; be nice. Being nice occasionally has the effect of making you look fake,
so practice being genuine. No one likes a sarcastic prick hiding behind a thinly-veiled smile. Learn to be honest with others and yourself. If you’ve got criticism to give, ask yourself if it’s truly valuable and be sincere when relaying your thoughts. If it isn’t pleasant, don’t grin like a fool. Others will find you off-putting if you look like you’re trying to brighten their mood after you’ve told them their dog is dead. Speaking of death—accept your finitude. Life happens once, so far as we’re concerned, and there’s no promise that it will either continue while you’re here reading this article or afterward. Take a few moments to comprehend the gravity of your impending death and know that your problems aren’t truly problems at all. Tribulations will come and go with time and there will always be a war to fight somewhere, so don’t get lost in the ruckus of life. The very fact that your entire existence, according to advanced modality and theoretical physics, could potentially be a transient collection of binary information stored in bits as a result of a complex computer simulation by highly-evolved beings should be enough to make you look past all the rigmarole. Finally, stop trying to make others happy. Your life is your own and living it for yourself is not selfish, despite what the people who claim to love you the most would have you believe. You get one opportunity to experience all that the world has to offer. Like Tyler Durden, we don’t want to die without any scars. Stop pretending you enjoy all the obligations you’ve set up for yourself; jettison the dead weight in your life. If it’s jammin’ you up, it’s time to be rid yourself of whatever “it” is.
In the interest of scholarly pursuit, we think we should remind you that this is not just a reckless, YOLO-inspired sentiment. This understanding of life-as-a-temporary-blessing is echoed even in the droll and boring philosophical texts our professors ask us to study. We leave you with our favorite Henry David Thoreau quote: “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” And with Thoreau’s blessing, let’s go fuck shit up. We only get one chance, after all.
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week Erica s. pazzo's Hometown: Gray City How long have you been bartending: 6 months What made you want to bartend: The move up and I think it’s fun. Is bartending your favorite job you’ve ever had: Probably not. Has bartending taught you any life lessons: How to deal with drunk people, basically. Is bartending difficult: To a degree. Favorite part of bartending: Learning new mixed drinks. Worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do in a bar: Someone did a Shanghai Surprise (throw a coozie at a wall of beer, and drink half a mug of it with a
the drinking game: go drunken fish
random liquor shot in it) and throw up immediately. Favorite drink to make: Bloody Marys, because they’re easy and fun to make. What drink do you order at a bar: Woodford and Coke or a pink cosmopolitan. If you could share a drink with anyone who’d it be: My friend Blake, he’s a real good friend. What’s your hangover cure: There is none. What’s your favorite pickup line you’ve heard at the bar: I haven’t heard any good ones yet, but I’m sure I will. What do bartenders know that the rest of us don’t: Nothing really, we mainly know how to deal with people, I suppose.
recipe for disaster:
mom’s homemade wasted pizza
While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.
You have no clue how to really cook. Though your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years, you still think preheating an oven means getting to it before other male ovens start trying to plow it. This recipe’s both easy and delicious; you can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.
What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka. Number of Players: Four to six players. Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.
What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.) Cook Time: About 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine. Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go. - Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees). - Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees. - Spread the tomato sauce over the dough. - Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more. - Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts. - Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.
How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. - Take one shot before the game begins. - Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down. - The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins! - If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle. - The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot. - If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle. - The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards. The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.
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When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. Just wait until the sun’s up before sending it to dear ole’ mom.
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! ! ! e i d o t g n goi A Tale re to rewrite e w s n e k ic D nd s.” If e end of time ion with the e s s th e s s a b w o r it u , s o e d of tim m, an e as the worst political syste e sure to mak w ’r e it y iv , e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o est olog is sum e. “It was the b bitchin’ techn big screen th e te o th n g n ’d ti les, in no tim e k h it , h ic 3 P s 1 ie r. 0 v 2 D o t, in m a s t c h ie se eig ur dead of Two Cit s? Look at the e sky with yo u th e v in e li r e ie b rr ’t a c n kitty of days. Do uinn ving in the ol' li e b l 'l rendan and Q u B o y y b k n in e tt th ri u o W y
Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating inter-galactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and
shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight."
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was deadset on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people.
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has
basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almost-spoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter, we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat. What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.”
World war z June 21st
That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).” Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for firstworld nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks, all an unhappy peas-
ant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours. Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
page 14
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