The Black Sheep
fre get e...lik hit e tu by a c ition am aft pus er v e h yo u icl e.
Vol. 2, Issue 12
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/14/13 - 11/20/13
UK Basketball Player Gets Treated
Like Everybody Else BY: Mary Venuto
Stuck-in-the-shadow senior guard Jon Hood was issued a $25 dollar parking ticket on Tuesday, November 5th even after leaving a note on the windshield that basically stated, “How do you expect me to move this Toyota Tundra with two slashed tires?” This whole situation began with two slashed tires of a Toyota Tundra in E Parking lot. Hood was on his way to help a sick, old lady rescue her kitten from up a tree when he saw the ticket and a green sticker with a date of November 8th on it, indicating that he needed to move his truck by then. Sources say Hood looked under cars for Ashton Kutcher, then began frantically looking around, shouting, “I can’t believe I’m on Punk’d! Hi mom!” When he finally figured out that he wasn’t being Punk’d, the basketball player wrote a sad tweet and listened to some Frank Ocean alone in his bedroom. Campus was a frenzy when the director of parking and transportation released a statement stating, “We treat everyone equally,” which seemed to imply that basketball players are people too. Sophomore Hunter Tibbetts took a mental health day to deal with the news. “I just never expected this to happen. If someone who’s half man, half god can get a parking ticket, what does that mean for the rest of us?” he said during his time to share at his group therapy session. This then prompted questions like “So, do they have to wait in line when they go to McDonald’s?” and “How can people expect the Wildcats to be the greatest squad there ever was when they have to worry about everyday stuff like parking tickets and picking out an outfit for the day?” Luckily for Jon Hood he has the option to appeal the ticket. The Lexington chapter of ACLU issued an amicus curiae brief to the Supreme Court in hopes that UK will never inconvenience a basketball player in this way again. However, the court process can take years so donation boxes have been set up at various points on campus to help pay for Hood’s $25 fine. Cash only.
him anymore, and that the challenge of slashing two tires of a basketball player’s car proved too tempting to resist. Another team of leading forensics experts believe it to be that crazy freshman groupie who took a picture with Hood that one time at Ovid’s. “Bitches be triflin’ and this shit is triflin’” reported Detective Smith.
Meanwhile, the FBI has a couple of the prime suspect for who slashed Hood’s tires. The foot stabber is listed as number one. Several detectives think that the thrill of stabbing random students’ feet isn’t doing it for
While Hood’s car is “in the shop” getting his tires fixed for the next year and a half, Wildcat Auto Car dealership in Lexington has offered to rent out bullet-proof Range Rovers to John and the rest of the basketball team.
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Girl unaware she ruins everyone’s good time
Returning Freshman Causes Moment of Silence
Her every interaction causes men to break down in tears.
Because you just can’t casually mention the native american genocide.
“Slashed tires are one thing,” said Coach Calipari, who brokered the deal, “But what if they slashed his tires... you know, like his feet or ankle or whatever. These players need protection, it’s times like these we need to reflect and ask ourselves if we actually should treat basketball players like everyone else, or face the facts that they are, in fact, better than all of you. How are these guys supposed to make the university millions of dollars if they’re busy putting up with the tedious, everyday bullshit like the rest of the student body? They can’t, so let’s get some legislation in here to protect them.”
Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com
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A Freshman Dream Journal
We look at the nightmares of our fellow fearful freshmen.