The Black Sheep
fre get e...lik hit e tu by a c ition am aft pus er v e h yo u icl e.
Vol. 2, Issue 12
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/14/13 - 11/20/13
UK Basketball Player Gets Treated
Like Everybody Else BY: Mary Venuto
Stuck-in-the-shadow senior guard Jon Hood was issued a $25 dollar parking ticket on Tuesday, November 5th even after leaving a note on the windshield that basically stated, “How do you expect me to move this Toyota Tundra with two slashed tires?” This whole situation began with two slashed tires of a Toyota Tundra in E Parking lot. Hood was on his way to help a sick, old lady rescue her kitten from up a tree when he saw the ticket and a green sticker with a date of November 8th on it, indicating that he needed to move his truck by then. Sources say Hood looked under cars for Ashton Kutcher, then began frantically looking around, shouting, “I can’t believe I’m on Punk’d! Hi mom!” When he finally figured out that he wasn’t being Punk’d, the basketball player wrote a sad tweet and listened to some Frank Ocean alone in his bedroom. Campus was a frenzy when the director of parking and transportation released a statement stating, “We treat everyone equally,” which seemed to imply that basketball players are people too. Sophomore Hunter Tibbetts took a mental health day to deal with the news. “I just never expected this to happen. If someone who’s half man, half god can get a parking ticket, what does that mean for the rest of us?” he said during his time to share at his group therapy session. This then prompted questions like “So, do they have to wait in line when they go to McDonald’s?” and “How can people expect the Wildcats to be the greatest squad there ever was when they have to worry about everyday stuff like parking tickets and picking out an outfit for the day?” Luckily for Jon Hood he has the option to appeal the ticket. The Lexington chapter of ACLU issued an amicus curiae brief to the Supreme Court in hopes that UK will never inconvenience a basketball player in this way again. However, the court process can take years so donation boxes have been set up at various points on campus to help pay for Hood’s $25 fine. Cash only.
him anymore, and that the challenge of slashing two tires of a basketball player’s car proved too tempting to resist. Another team of leading forensics experts believe it to be that crazy freshman groupie who took a picture with Hood that one time at Ovid’s. “Bitches be triflin’ and this shit is triflin’” reported Detective Smith.
Meanwhile, the FBI has a couple of the prime suspect for who slashed Hood’s tires. The foot stabber is listed as number one. Several detectives think that the thrill of stabbing random students’ feet isn’t doing it for
While Hood’s car is “in the shop” getting his tires fixed for the next year and a half, Wildcat Auto Car dealership in Lexington has offered to rent out bullet-proof Range Rovers to John and the rest of the basketball team.
page 4
page 5
Girl unaware she ruins everyone’s good time
Returning Freshman Causes Moment of Silence
Her every interaction causes men to break down in tears.
Because you just can’t casually mention the native american genocide.
“Slashed tires are one thing,” said Coach Calipari, who brokered the deal, “But what if they slashed his tires... you know, like his feet or ankle or whatever. These players need protection, it’s times like these we need to reflect and ask ourselves if we actually should treat basketball players like everyone else, or face the facts that they are, in fact, better than all of you. How are these guys supposed to make the university millions of dollars if they’re busy putting up with the tedious, everyday bullshit like the rest of the student body? They can’t, so let’s get some legislation in here to protect them.”
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page 7
A Freshman Dream Journal
We look at the nightmares of our fellow fearful freshmen.
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I don’t know why you cried when I gave back your pet hamster.
I mean, I mummified him and put him in a tiny coffin and everything!
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Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @UKBlackSheep #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
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Dominear To manipulate or control men and women in close proximity to you.
of the
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Basketballer and Kardashian brood spawner racks up the miles on this as he pulls away from his wife.
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Girl unaware that her every interaction ruins someone else’s good time By: Dillon McLaughlin
For nearly six years, University of Kentucky sophomore Christina Chazikov has remained blissfully unaware that every interaction she has with another person ruins someone else’s good time. She began elementary school as an adorable, energetic child and left as a slightly annoying, but ultimately tolerable presence. Her condition deteriorated through high school and has culminated in her becoming the worst thing to happen to any social situation. “I was having a perfectly pleasant conversation with a few of my band friends when suddenly Christina jumps right in,” complained Jimmy Haverfield, a sophomore music major. “It was just as I was getting to the good part too, where the professor rips his pants as he bends over to get the chalk. But she came over and tore the foundation for the punchline right out from under me.” Chazikov has a history of haplessly flailing into stories at their climax. She once interrupted Haverfield’s random encounter with Jerry Seinfeld on a New York City street corner, ruining Haverfield’s chance to recreate the magic his young self felt during his first viewing of the
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popular sitcom Seinfeld. “It’s not like it’s hard to read social cues,” Haverfield moaned. “If I’m talking to a world famous comedian, you don’t smash into the conversation with something as inane as ‘Hey Jimmy, fancy meeting you here. What’d you have for lunch? Who’s this guy?’” Haverfield recalled that as Seinfeld left, it looked as though he had decided he would never speak to another fan ever again. “I remember my first frat party with her,” said Chazikov’s freshman year roommate Suzie Gordman. “We walked in and the music literally stopped. Everyone looked at her and one guy in the back broke down into tears. He blubbered something about a broken childhood and buried his face in the basement dirt corner.” Chazikov’s mother, Cecilia, said of Christina’s inability to function socially, “We tried so hard with her, but when your family reunion stops cold because someone has such a strong aversion to, and high failure rate at communal functions, well, that speaks for itself.”
Mrs. Chazikov continued, “Eventually you have to abandon a sinking ship.” She then turned to her husband sitting next to her, who looked at reporters with resolute eyes. “Ask her about her first boyfriend,” said Chazikov’s father, Borneo. “He joined the Army because at least there they cultivate a sense of familiarity. At least there you’re part of a cause. Love’s not supposed to be a place where you abandon all hope of happiness. That happens anyway.” Sources reluctantly close to Chazikov confirm that her parents haven’t called her in two years and that Chazikov grows quiet at the mention of family, as if she is on the verge of some form of an epiphany. Large rain storms rarely occur above Chazikov, as they are unwilling to have their thunder stolen. Chazikov has been compared to societal cancer, the top of the hierarchy of social pariahship, and a black hole where amusement goes to die, crushed to death in the dimensional singularity that is Chazikov’s soul.
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Returning Freshman Causes Moment of Silence upon Mentioning Native American Genocide By: TJ Kimball “We always knew college was a bullshit idea.” John, a 43 year old farmer, sat down with The Black Sheep to express his concerns over the nature of higher education. He was brought to anger by the attitude of his daughter Martha, a Kentucky freshman returning home for Thanksgiving break. According to John, she’s been dwelling on the trivial details of Europe’s liberation of the New World. She’s somehow found fault in the fact that the first Thanksgiving dinner was followed by the slaughter of an entire race of people. “It’s just that, in history class, we’re taught all about the facts of colonization.” Martha bursts out, her quickness to defend education demonstrating the depth of her ignorance. “The greater globalized society isn’t something that arose out of the sole industriousness of Europe or America. Their success, and really our whole modern way of living, was attained through the
exploitation of every civilization outside of the West.” Her arms are flailing at this point; the passion of her words falling on ears too caked with zealotry to mistake her ravings as anything beyond youthful angst. “This supposed celebration of unity and generosity is little more than the band-aid applied to our guiltridden conscience.” She continues. “Our history of mass slaughter and enslavement isn’t something to be celebrated with half-hearted grins shot across the table at relatives we don’t even like.” Martha’s interruption earns a stern glare from John. His cockwaving nationalism won’t allow his personal pride to take such a lashing. He knows those stars and stripes are soaked in the blood of patriots. There’s nothing about this conversation he’s enjoying, and the evidence is painted red all over his
face. “You see? You see!? Nothing but the brainwashed nonsense you’d hear from an academic nut-job. It’s like them pussy-mouthed brainiacs teached all the soul outta ‘er.” John’s lectures stem from a powerful connection to his ancestry. He delivers his remarks beneath a painting that depicts a tribe of Indians being given a generous gift of blankets by the indebted pilgrims. “It’s like this. First we had dumb folk. Now, we got good folk. You can thank the Bush family for that one. But what we gotta be damn well cautious about is becoming smart folk.” John explains, taking a moment to add to his spittoon. “There ain’t but one thing that helped this country become number one, and that’s our solid protestant work ethic. Imagine this great nation deprived of McDonalds, American Idol, or low budget
John’s sentiments can brag of Lexington’s support. According to polls taken by The Black Sheep, a rousing 100% of Caucasian families casually overlook Thanksgiving’s factual history in the hopes of hosting a more comfortable dinner. “Sometimes I just feel there might be more to life than major league football and Miley Cyrus jokes.” Martha interjects with profound naivety. “It’s just… I watch those twerking butt flaps and wonder if this moment was worth 200,000,000 deaths, you know? Like, maybe there’s some better way our short time on Earth could be spent, and that in learning from diversity we could come to appreciate our own place in the world with an authentic sense of depth. I don’t know. I guess I’ve got a lot
more lectures to get through before I reach a true understanding of history’s practical value.” “You’re damn right ya do.” John boasts with a victorious smirk. “They might be able to drill literature and science into your head, but they’ll never be able to drain the red white and blue from your heart.”
His words express a common truth. Thanksgiving is a time for sweeping uncomfortable realities under the rug for the sake of barely tolerating people we have almost nothing in common with. It’s a whole hearted love that looks to stuff its face, get wasted, and pass out in front of football. We can all carve our turkeys this year with the satisfying knowledge that all men are created equal, as long as they don’t have something we want.
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on the Streets What fictional President of the United States would you most want heading our country? Why?
M a rc u s
“Donald Trump... no explanation required.”
Amy
“Beyoncé, she’s the queen.”
Kevin
“Eminem, because he’s a boss.”
06
a Freshman Dream Journal
The
Top
Ten
Practical Uses for Pennies
By: C Weaver
By: black sheep staff
Freshmen. Those annoying little dipshits who still live by their high school morals, remind the TAs that they forgot to collect the homework, and always manage to get the best parties shut down on State Street when they act a fool after two beers. But every time a freshman pisses you off, try to remember that they’re still people. Check out this copy of a freshman’s dream journal to remember that once upon a time, you too, were a lousy freshman who made every upperclassman remember why they’re thankful for living off campus.
The penny is dying. Just like hipsterism and Weeds, pennies just aren’t good anymore. Hell, it costs more to make a penny than a penny is worth . Point being, everyone and their granddad uses cards today and those who don’t just toss their pennies anywhere: the sad, beat up “take a penny, leave a penny” tray, in the garbage, or at all those poorly-groomed Lexington hobos. The Black Sheep has some much better ways to dispose of those little Lincolns.
August 16, 2013: I had the same nightmare again. I walked into class on the first day and there was a test. And my old, crotchety professor was sitting up at the front, naked. His skin sagging onto the desk before him, he looked at me dead in the eyes like he was about to give me detention. I woke up in with some serious morning wood. Don’t judge me, dream journal. August 30, 2013: Last night I dreamt that I showed up to campus dressed in Louisville gear. I got onto the blue CATs bus and sat down. I could immediately feel myself being watched. The bus started rumbling and everyone turned and stared me down angrily. My subconscious turned against me. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately about Louisville because my roommate always starts shaking the bunk around 3 a.m. and I think it’s an earthquake, when really it’s just him rubbing one out to the Facebook page of his high school girlfriend who goes to Louisville. He constantly mutters “fuck Louisville,” but keeps going. He’s very confused, and I think it’s affecting my sleep. September 13, 2013: I was back at CSF’s world’s largest water balloon fight. I turn my head and see the biggest balloon I’ve ever seen, hurling towards my face. As it gets closer, I notice it’s a giant meatball wrapped in spaghetti. It hits me right in the face and I’m surprisingly into it.
10.) Settle your parking tickets: What better way to stick it to the man than with twenty-five bucks in pennies. Sticking almost 5,000 loose pennies is going to make UKPTS rue the day they unfairly ticketed your double-parked hunk of junk. C’mon, the park job wasn’t even that illegal. 9.) Build Shit: Bring out the inner Ron Swanson or Bob the Builder in you. Except not with real wood or traditional building materials; you could hurt your pretty, little, overeducated face. But, pennies and super glue? That sounds like a recipe for fun! 8.) Create a scandalous dress: This one is for you sexy ladies. Glitz, glam, gams; you’ll have it all! Just because all the starlets wear dresses bedazzled with stuff that’s worth real money doesn’t mean you have to. A teeny dress of pennies is the way to go. Who ever said “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” obviously hasn’t met Mr. Lincoln.
I woke up hungry and craving Fazoli’s, but realized I had puked up Chef Boyardee all over my bunk and onto the floor below. Whoops. September 27, 2013: I walked into Two Keys without being carded and Hot Amy was sitting right there, sipping from what looked like a giant fishbowl. It was my chance to finally ask her out. As I walked over, someone else approached. It was that dick, Joe, from my intro chem lab. “NOOO!” I shouted, as I tripped over my suddenly tied-together shoe laces. Before my pathetic face smacked the disgusting floor with shame, I woke up, completely covered in sweat. I think I keep dreaming about my shoes because I think my roommate is secretly wearing them without my permission. They’re never in the same place and they have the rancid stench of Louisville. October 10, 2013: During a nap I dreamt I was sitting in the middle of the stands in Rupp Arena. John Calipari lifted his hand up and scanned the crowd. Then he pointed his freaking finger right at me. I came down to the floor and the basketball players lift me up in the air and suddenly I’m crowd surfing. I’m a bigger deal than Stone Cold Willow. I woke up chanting my own name, then my floormates walked in and started chanting my name too. They thought I had bedded my first girl of the year, but unfortunately,
I was just dreaming about being someone other than myself again. October 30, 2013: It was the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. Halloween night and every single girl was dressed as a nun. Not a sexy nun, a regular nun. No legs, no ass, no nip slips. What’s worse was that every guy was dressed as Miley Cyrus at the VMAs. I woke up feeling dirty, like I needed to gouge my eyes out. In fact I almost did. A nasty hybrid of pink eye and mono are ripping through Patterson again, and I’m it’s latest victim.
7.) Cover your wall in them: How clever and fancy will you look now? You could even get creative and arrange them in a gradient or by date. It’ll be like you’re on ‘effing HGTV or some shit. 6.) Shove them under the doors of your least favorite humans: That dude across the street has been putting off some bad vibes, and we’re not talking about the Axe body spray he firmly believes is a bath. All you know is that kid deserves something fierce. Why not confuse/annoy the crap out of him with a million pennies under the door? Plus, maybe he’ll slip on them and turn into a more decent human being. 5.) Melt the copper into something useful: Like a paperweight, or a cell phone case, or a dildo. Wait, no, that sounds painful. There may not be that much copper in pennies anymore, but why not give it a go. Maybe you could make some new wires for your crappy speaker system? 4.) Pay back your dick friend: This guy bought you one sandwich one week ago. Well, maybe 3. But, he sure didn’t need to text and Facebook and SnapChat you every day about it. This guy deserves 1,000 pennies to the face.
November 10, 2013: Joe was there. We were at a pre-game in Blanding Tower. He came over to me and sat down. Then there was heat. He leaned in just as my alarm clock went off. Not sure what to make of that. Maybe I should stay away from Joe… Though The Black Sheep found this dream journal in our weekly rifling through various dorms’ garbage bins, we feel it was right that we publish it. You never know what stress dreams are haunting these little Wildcats. So as finals approach in the coming weeks if you see a poor freshman nestled up in the library and kicking his little legs, don’t pour coffee on him like you know you want to, instead gently wake him up. He may be having a nightmare about his dead parents having sex with his girlfriend, while being chased by a giant blue book.
3.) Make all of your remaining life decisions: “Should I get married?” “Is it okay to sleep with my professor?” “Should I become a traveling mime with a drinking problem?” These and more are questions the penny can answer for you. 2.) Turn “quarters” into “pennies”: If the point of the game is getting drunk, you might as well turn up the difficulty. Plus, if you get drunk and lose the pennies, it’s irrelevant. If you lose quarters, you may never be able to wash laundry or play in that underground poker tournament. 1.) Get a billion wishes: Because we’re all too far in debt for it to matter anyway. All we can do is drink and wish away our problems. Hey, it worked for Miley Cyrus.
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The Black Sheep Interviews: Indie Director Todd Sklar By: Brendan “Film director,” you think flashing lights, red carpet treatment, the power to just…Steve if you don’t get this take right you are finished in this town, do you hear me?! Not so fast, what about those directors still hauling themselves up one rung of the Hollywood ladder at a time? Todd Sklar is one of these indie directors, and with his recent release, Awful Nice, making the rounds, we decided to chat with him to see what the life of an up-and-coming director is actually like.
life. If you want to be doing it, it’s all-encompassing. It’s bad. You’re always doing work, thinking about doing work, finding work, doing work to get more work, if you’re not working you feel like you’re wasting time… Any career where you’re in a situation where you’re pursuing something outside of that nine-to-five, you have to work nonstop to get there, whether it’s a start-up, even an athlete. It’s all-encompassing of you want to be good.
The Black Sheep: You were a college student who dropped out to pursue a career in film, what was the impetus for that? Todd Sklar: I had an absolute blast in college. I loved it. I probably didn’t work hard enough studying, but I’d say I used most of what I’d learnt in college—both inside the classroom and out—after I left the University of Missouri. It helped me in the career I chose, but also helped refine what I wanted to do in that career. It was finding passion in filmmaking, and realizing the career I was looking towards was not one where you typically went to college, then landed a job after. I should note that this was halfway through my fifth year of college— I was a fifth-year senior when I recognized that a degree in theater acting would not help me become a filmmaker.
TBS: You say you fell into directing to better convey your writing vision, how do you balance working with people, but getting across the vision you set for yourself? Todd: I don’t know. I’ve only done a few features, I don’t know if I’ve figured that out yet, because in my experience, I’ve had great people and horrible people. The great people, they’re doing things and helping you through things that are so big, that these talented people helping you make your ideas better. It’s incredible. I’ve had the other side too, people who are miserable to work with that are extremely unable to do the job they’re supposed to do. In that case it’s the most frustrating thing in the world, but you can’t do it any better either. It’s very dependent on the people you’re working with. It’s more about them than it is about you.
TBS: How do you get to the point where you’re directing your own films? Todd: I started making shorts, trying to learn how to make moves. I made a lot of bad ones for a while. I made like, fifteen horrible, horrible short films before I made one that was kind of good. I made my second one that was okay, and it was so much work I decided I wanted to make a feature next. After that, I had an idea that was a feature, I was 23 at the time, I watched 3 movies a night with DVD commentary. I gave it a go to see how it works. It was a learning experience—you learn while you’re doing it.
TBS: Your new movie, Awful Nice, how did that change or mature over the span of the creative process? Todd: It changed drastically. We did not have a very good shoot on this movie and the final movie is a shell of the script we wrote. In a weird way it became its own movie when we were shooting it, and again when we were editing it. The movie came out with a lot more physical comedy, a lot quicker, punchier than the script. Films, in a lot of ways, become indicative of what you’re going through at the time, and this film in specific, I was going through some growing pains, and the movie reflects that.
TBS: What does a director do, exactly? Todd: I come from a different background than a lot of directors. I never wanted to be a director, I always wanted to be a storyteller, and writing always comes first. Directing, for me, is making sure what comes out is the story that we wrote. As a result, I’m very much an actors’ director. All you’re doing is trying to get a bunch of other people to do things with you and for you, to get your story across. Usually you’re doing that because you can’t do what they do. If I knew how to get great sound, I could do it, but there’s a guy who is doing it because he’s better at it than I am. He can elevate my results. It’s a pretty humbling, and uh, terrible job.
TBS: Are there benefits to sticking in the indie genre, or is it more people do this so they can go to a studio? Todd: For me, the stories I’m interested in telling and the style I’m interested in telling them tend towards mainstream commercial sensibilities. To be able to transition from independent filmmaker to studio filmmaker you either need to have a lot of confidence and trust in people you’ll be working worth, or you have to have a complete lack of care for your story, or it has to be about your career, or you have to be obsessed with the technical side of things. For me, I’m not a technically gifted filmmaker, so transitioning from an independent filmmaker to a studio filmmaker has a lot to do with confidence in myself as a filmmaker. I’ve had an opportunity for studio work, but it’s not something I’m dying to do quite yet.
TBS: How all-encompassing is what you’re doing? Todd: It’s definitely destroys any ability to have a normal
TBS: And speaking of the difference between studio and indie movies, with Awful Nice, you have a pretty big star in Christopher Merloni. Were you concerned at all with if or how he’d pull weight? Todd: All of my problems thus far with filmmaking has come from crew, not from the actors. There’s very much this level of professionalism—I’ll say this: When you have trouble with actors, they’re not invested in the project. In Awful Nice, all of the actors were invested in the project, and they were so helpful in covering up some chaos created by the crew. Very fortunate to have actors like that, and Merloni specifically was exceptionally helpful, not just as an actor, but as a mentor, a guy who came in and gave notes in a script that had nothing to do with his character. TBS: How do you deal with outside criticism, both positive and negative? Todd: You have to take it with a grain of salt. But, for me, there’s two goals: To tell the story in the best way possible, but to also get better in telling the story. So, both positive and negative criticism help better that process by letting you know what you did well, or if someone’s critiquing something, it can tell you what you could be doing better, or where you may have failed story-wise. TBS: Is this a good time, historically, for someone who wants to get involved in moviemaking to do so? Todd: It’s the best time in the history of our existence to be doing this. At the same time, I think the danger to that is that it’s something you can do for a while before you realize it’s not what you want to be doing. I equate it to joining the army. I assume that if you join the Army, you’ll figure out pretty quickly whether or not it’s for you. Filmmaking isn’t like that. Especially nowadays, there’s so many ways to work that you can do it for five or ten years before you realize it’s not for you. There’s such a low barrier of entry, that there’s also such a low barrier to getting more deeply involved with it. The playing field has leveled out quite a bit. TBS: On IMDB a user named JonCharbineux writes, “Todd and Alex came home with my one of my roommates, who was trying to get laid, but they ditched her and stayed up watching die hard with me our other roommate until about 4am. We made ice cream pancakes and popped in Die Hard 2 and I passed out shortly after. When I woke up the next morning, Todd was in my bed and Alex was in Ben’s (my other roommate) and we were both on the couch. We found out later that they stole a bunch of our beer and a box of trisquits. WTF? “ Care to comment? Todd: Wow, when did that happen? That definitely sounds like something I’d do, but not recently. When was this written? TBS: April 2010. Todd: Oh yeah, I know exactly who that is, and yes, that did happen. 2010 was a weird year for everyone.
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Professor Cyber Bullied Out of UK By: Sam Caravette Stating that such actions are “shocking” and are a “first-time occurrence for the University of Kentucky,” university officials confirmed that a 20-year-old female student has been cyber bullying a male professor in an unnamed department, causing the professor to drop his tenure and leave the university. While the scandal is still currently under investigation, the university has released many of the details surrounding the events prior to his departure. According to the victim, who would prefer to protect his identity under his Skype username, “Ben Dover,” the student in question had attended his office hours in order to study for an upcoming exam. “It all began innocently enough,” whimpered Professor Dover as he fidgeted in the dark confines of his room. “She was doing well on all the in-class material, but her exam grades were plummeting. I thought I was just doing my job … until she seduced me.”
“I had to give her a C,” stated Dover defiantly. “Her ‘orals’ were mediocre at best, and the climaxes were too standard. She didn’t put out ‘A’ material.” After checking her grades online, Konswallow was reportedly sent into a crazed frenzy. After all, she had turned down several booty calls a week just to ensure she was in prime condition for her continued affair with her scholarly lover. According to sources, Konswallow initiated her vicious cyber attacks on the website Formspring.me. An “anonymous’” account began asking vulgar questions on Dover’s profile. Such questions ranged from, “Does your wife know you have a micropenis?” to “Do you cry every time you ejaculate?” Eventually, the attacks escalated off the website.
Sources indicate the female student, who will be referred to under her Skype username name “Layla Konswallow,” began pursuing Dover in an attempt to raise her grade through physical strategies, rather than mental preparation. According to the police report, Konswallow entered Dover’s office around 11 p.m. on January 30, 2013, wearing nothing but a skimpy nurse costume.
“She began posting about what a ‘whore’ I was on my Koofers profile and giving me low ratings on Ratemyprofessors.com,” said Dover, adding that Konswallow’s ratings have caused him to lose his chili pepper on the popular website. “She anonymously sent emails out to the class listserv saying the only reason I got my PhD is because I sucked off the PhD committee and my supervisor. It’s just awful.”
Konswallow reportedly stated, “There’s only one type of D I want in this class,” before sending the professor to the floor in a sexual rage. Their affair lasted for the remainder of the semester during Dover’s “special” office hours at his Lexington home, until the final grades were posted online. That’s when her sexual games took a turn into full-on harassment.
Friends and family of the professor have encouraged him to simply turn off his computer and ignore her hurtful comments, but Dover seems to be consumed by the torment. Sources confirmed that soon after the cyber bullying became a daily occurrence, Dover was sent into a spiral of self destruction ranging from burning himself to taking up bulimia in order to
cope with the internet assaults. Dover’s actions soon became apparent to his students, as he was often late to lecture and was no longer a stickler about required reading. “He just didn’t seem to care about anything anymore,” replied sophomore, Jenny Beckler. “I knew something was wrong as soon as he rolled up his tweed blazer, revealing his wrists. I pretended like I didn’t see, but I just knew.” University officials were first notified of the professor’s mental breakdown after he appeared in his 9 a.m. lecture wearing nothing but a teddy and some lipstick on his forehead that spelled “SLUT.” Dover was taken to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation but was diagnosed with mono, or possibly strep throat. The embarrassment of the entire situation caused Dover to drop his tenure and relocate to Louisville, where he is now a janitor. No development on the implications in store for Konswallow, although investigators are curious as to how mediocre her oral skills really are.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken Major: Communication Favorite Drink: Screwdriver Favorite Shot: Lemon drop Disgusting Drink: Absinthe
What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: Creepy guys at the bar.
How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Pay off my student loans!
What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: The word “smoothie.”
What is nature’s sexiest animal?: The anteater.
If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which is it?: Hangover.
What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: Saying “get it?”… get it?
Chelsea of The Tavern
Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn? Explain: A hornless unicorn… it’s still a unicorn, and I want it.
If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Chicken wings.
How do you look yourself in the mirror eye day after what you’ve done?: Good question. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s mandatory!
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Canoe Race
Brownout-of-Your-Ass Burrito
A throwback to the high school garage party days. The Canoe Race is a quick game of a 2-person flip cup and pong hybrid that will get you belching and buzzing in no time flat.
This is one of those meals that you wouldn’t eat unless you were somewhat inebriated. Okay … very inebriated. This burrito will satisfy all your needs when you return to your apartment without a slampiece, and fall back on eating to make up for your lack of game. And it saves you money not having to buy it at Chipotle.
What You’ll Need: 16 red cups, 2 ping pong balls, a table and beers. Number of Players: 4 players Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a lot in ya pretty fast. How to Play: - Split up into two teams of two and stand on opposite sides of the table, each team having one ping pong ball. - Set up four cups in front of each person, Bozo Buckets-style. - Pour beer into each cup, about a quarter of the way up. - When you’re ready, the first people with the ping pong balls try to shoot across their table into their partner’s cups. - If you make a cup, your partner has to chug the beer in the cup and flip it onto the table. - Once your partner completes this, they shoot the ball back across the table to your cups. When they make it, you do the same—chug the beer, flip the cup and keep shooting. - There are no pauses in this game, so don’t wait for the other team to shoot or anything like that. The only time you have to wait before shooting is while your teammate is flipping their cup. They have to have that completed first before taking their turn. The Game Ends When: All of your team’s cups have been flipped!
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What You’ll Need: An oven, a microwave, Easy Mac, pizza rolls, a tortilla, Tabasco sauce, chopped lettuce, hot peppers and any other toppings of your choice. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll poop it out. No big deal. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the pizza rolls in the oven and let them cook for 15 minutes. - When the pizza rolls are done cooking, take them out of the oven. While they’re cooling off, put the Easy Mac in the microwave for 3 minutes. - Once the pizza rolls have cooled off, wrap them up in the tortilla. - Pour the Easy Mac on top of the pizza rolls. - Drizzle Tabasco sauce over everything, as much or as little as you want. - Put the lettuce and hot peppers on top, along with any other garnishes that strike your fancy (shredded cheese, anyone?). - Roll it up burrito-style and chow down. Mmm, tastes even better when it comes back out.
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Guess The Coach
Do you know who all these college basketball coaches are? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!
American Holidays ACROSS 2) Held every November 11th. 4) Or, Singles Awareness Day. 5) Celebrate the beginning of a new year on the Hebrew calendar, two words. 6) March 8th is a day to celebrate this perfect species. 7) This day happens every four years on January 20th. 10) The Friday after Thanksgiving is this color. 12) The third Monday in January celebrates the what of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.? 14) We celebrate this Saint by dyeing the Chicago River green. 16) Important Jewish holiday that occurs in the spring. 17) The Friday before Easter. 18) Bill Murray celebrates this day over and over and over. 19) African American holiday starting on December 26th.
DOWN 1) 8-day Jewish holiday in the winter. 3) Earth Day is a celebration of what? 8) The day to celebrate â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;MURICA!!! 9) This day marks the end of the Ten Days of Penitence, two words. 11) Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexican army defeating which army? 12) A day for planting trees. 13) Gettinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; crazy in New Orleans, two words.
crossword
Flipping through cosmo
madlib I was on my way to ___1___ , sipping a
___2___ double-whipped, non-fat ___3___ latte or something, and I decided to pick up the Bible for college girls: Cosmo. ___4___ is on the cover and I love her! Her ___5___ is perfect and, personally, I don’t think she has a ___6___ problem, but if she does, who cares? Right away I flipped to the embarrassing stories section because it’s crazy how crazy they are!!! There was a story of a girl who ___7___ ed on a first date! You couldn’t make that shit up!!! They were ___8___ -deep in some endless ___9___ and ___10___ and then right 1: Academic building 2: Size 3: Italian word 4: Has-been celebrity
there, on the waitress, boom. No one got laid that night. Then there’s the beauty section, which had a list of ___11___ face masks. Who knew that rubbing that all over my ___12___ would make it shinier? Who knew you even wanted that shinier? There was also a guide to choosing the right color of ___13___ for your skin tone. They said ___14___ would be perfect for my ___15___ ? Uhm, okay.
5: Body part 6: Drug 7: Bodily function 8: Body part 9: Appetizer
10: Fruity alcoholic drink 11: Root vegetable 12: Body part 13: Type of makeup 14: Obscure color
A flipped through the sex tips, which said that using ___16___ and my ___17___ to give a ___18___ to a guy would make him really like me. I’m skeptical. Then there was something about the ___19___ ___20___ -___21___ position and I was like, whoa. Can’t I get more embarrassing stories up in here? Lastly there was a column about making ___22___ , which I totally clipped and put on my mini-fridge!
15: Facial feature 16: Salad dressing 17: Appendage 18: Type of oral sex 19: Foreign country
20: Direction 21: Body part 22: Drink from #10
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