Volume 6
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
FRE E! L ik pai e a ho r of me jort ma s... de
Issue 13
FIVE CLASSES UK NEEDS TO OFFER Erica Ryder wrote this
Priority registration is well underway and with the opening of each registration window comes the frantic battle for seats in the coveted classes and attention from the university’s overworked server. So while you sit there waiting for your page to “freakin’ load already” in order to see if you made the cut into Floral Design 240, contemplate a perfect world where your schedule would be made up entirely of the following classes that UK doesn’t, but definitely should, offer. Parking 301: The real skills required of a Lexingtonian involve a little more than a sharp eye and a mean parallel park. With a confirmed ratio of nineteen cars to every one parking spot, aggressive parking skills are imperative to access any of the university’s resources. Special skills are required if you want to class in a timely manner and beat that other sucker to the last meter at the Student Center. This class, taught in a large lecture hall located in a building with only ten spots, is certain to bring out the best in your abilities… And the worst in short-fused personality; just like our beautiful Lexington. Icebreakers 100: Why let the fun stop after the first day of class? Icebreakers 100 fills your semester with all sorts of classic beginningof-the-semester fun like the “Name Game,” the “Introducing Yourself to the Person on Either Side of You” game, or the “Going Around the Room and Saying a Little Something about Yourself” game. Students completing this course will be well-prepared for real world problems like coming up with a good response for “Two Truths and a Lie” that intrigues and entertains without revealing something too personal. Navigating Construction 103: Every building on campus is being torn down in a loud, continuous loop. So it only makes sense for students to learn just how to navigate this treacherous landscape. Areas of focus in this course include: “learning to recognize the signs that your dorm is about to be blasted out of existence,” “the paths to class that pose the least risk to your personal safety,”
and “how to study in an environment surrounded by rubble, bulldozers, and screaming construction workers.” Because at UK, it’s demolish or be demolished. Calculatoring 204: “When you grow up it’s not like you’ll have a calculator on you at all times,” was probably the most blindly-obeyed, false prophecy of our young lives. Literally everyone you know clings to their phone like their very connection to reality depends on it. It’s about time to go ahead and replace UK’s math classes with a simple crash course in “calculatoring” and a lesson or two in Wolfram Alpha.
Deferring Student Loans 412: College is all about preparing for your future. And one day in your future, immediately following graduation, you’re going to be slammed with a bill for $25,000. Some of you will also get that call from your interviewer dropping the bomb that you didn’t get the job. DSL 412 will give you the knowledge to defer loans, qualify for forbearance of loans, flee the country with a new ID, and effectively erase your digital footprint. With all these skills, you will surely be prepared for your own, personal doomsday. We’ll see you in these classes next fall, that is, assuming you get a parking spot or don’t default on your student loans in the meantime. College, everyone!
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PAGES 12-13
EXPECTATIONS AND REALITIES OF SELF CONTROL
TOP 10 THINGS LEARNED AFTER ONE YEAR AT UK
NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES
FROM EAT AND DRINKING TO HOOKING UP, WE BREAK IT ALL DOWN
IF YOU NEED A PICK-ME-UP, CHECKING OUT TINDR USUALLY HELPS.
NIC CAGE CAN HELP YOU THROUGH FINALS MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.
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APRIL 15TH, 2015 - APRIL 22ND, 2015
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