KENTUCKY SPRING ISSUE 13 by The Black Sheep

Volume 6

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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Issue 13

FIVE CLASSES UK NEEDS TO OFFER Erica Ryder wrote this

Priority registration is well underway and with the opening of each registration window comes the frantic battle for seats in the coveted classes and attention from the university’s overworked server. So while you sit there waiting for your page to “freakin’ load already” in order to see if you made the cut into Floral Design 240, contemplate a perfect world where your schedule would be made up entirely of the following classes that UK doesn’t, but definitely should, offer. Parking 301: The real skills required of a Lexingtonian involve a little more than a sharp eye and a mean parallel park. With a confirmed ratio of nineteen cars to every one parking spot, aggressive parking skills are imperative to access any of the university’s resources. Special skills are required if you want to class in a timely manner and beat that other sucker to the last meter at the Student Center. This class, taught in a large lecture hall located in a building with only ten spots, is certain to bring out the best in your abilities… And the worst in short-fused personality; just like our beautiful Lexington. Icebreakers 100: Why let the fun stop after the first day of class? Icebreakers 100 fills your semester with all sorts of classic beginningof-the-semester fun like the “Name Game,” the “Introducing Yourself to the Person on Either Side of You” game, or the “Going Around the Room and Saying a Little Something about Yourself” game. Students completing this course will be well-prepared for real world problems like coming up with a good response for “Two Truths and a Lie” that intrigues and entertains without revealing something too personal. Navigating Construction 103: Every building on campus is being torn down in a loud, continuous loop. So it only makes sense for students to learn just how to navigate this treacherous landscape. Areas of focus in this course include: “learning to recognize the signs that your dorm is about to be blasted out of existence,” “the paths to class that pose the least risk to your personal safety,”

and “how to study in an environment surrounded by rubble, bulldozers, and screaming construction workers.” Because at UK, it’s demolish or be demolished. Calculatoring 204: “When you grow up it’s not like you’ll have a calculator on you at all times,” was probably the most blindly-obeyed, false prophecy of our young lives. Literally everyone you know clings to their phone like their very connection to reality depends on it. It’s about time to go ahead and replace UK’s math classes with a simple crash course in “calculatoring” and a lesson or two in Wolfram Alpha.

Deferring Student Loans 412: College is all about preparing for your future. And one day in your future, immediately following graduation, you’re going to be slammed with a bill for $25,000. Some of you will also get that call from your interviewer dropping the bomb that you didn’t get the job. DSL 412 will give you the knowledge to defer loans, qualify for forbearance of loans, flee the country with a new ID, and effectively erase your digital footprint. With all these skills, you will surely be prepared for your own, personal doomsday. We’ll see you in these classes next fall, that is, assuming you get a parking spot or don’t default on your student loans in the meantime. College, everyone!

PAGE 5

PAGES 12-13

EXPECTATIONS AND REALITIES OF SELF CONTROL

TOP 10 THINGS LEARNED AFTER ONE YEAR AT UK

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES

FROM EAT AND DRINKING TO HOOKING UP, WE BREAK IT ALL DOWN

IF YOU NEED A PICK-ME-UP, CHECKING OUT TINDR USUALLY HELPS.

NIC CAGE CAN HELP YOU THROUGH FINALS MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

APRIL 15TH, 2015 - APRIL 22ND, 2015

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

ADVERTISING MANAGER Elizabeth Breed

WRITERS Erin Slekey David Simms Erica Ryder Evan Lawrence

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

OWNER Atish Doshi

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

COCKFLOCKED When your wingmen all help a brother out and you get mad chicks.

IVY SHERWOOD

Last night I couldn’t keep the ladies off me, man! I was cockflocked, I was banging girls all night.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE TERRIBLE PUNS CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@UKBLACKSHEEP

THE DOS AND DON’TS OF DRINKING GAMES: AN ETIQUETTE GUIDE Staff wrote this

For years, old geezers everywhere have harped on the younger generations for being rude, uncivilized little pricks, and that’s without ever witnessing a Friday night pre-game party in a college town. While not as celebrated or scrutinized as professional athletes, participants in drinking games similarly need to ensure they hold themselves to a higher standard. Use these drinking game Dos and Don’ts to guide you during competition. Do: Stay focused. Nothing kills the mood of a drinking game more than needing to constantly remind someone it’s his turn. Pre-game time is precious; it shan’t be wasted bombarding your friends with Snapchats or ordering Main St. Pizza. Don’t: Be a sore loser. Sure, it may be the booze talking, but if you’re willing to “take this outside” because your roommate has better fine motor skills than you, your parents were probably the type to cuss out Little League umpires. Do: Talk trash. Drinking games are the perfect time to bring out your inner Richard Sherman, as trash talking can liven up any game. That being said, we’re all Wildcats here, so keep it within reason; unless you’re facing a Badger, then all bets are off.

Don’t: Be a dick to your teammates. You don’t see Andrew Harrison scold Willie Cauley-Stein when he misses an open shot, do you? Instead, he picks him up, pats him on the back, wipes the spittle off his mouth and hands him another beer. It’s what teammates are for. Do: Respect house rules. We don’t care if you have played no re-racks since your days on the kindergarten playground, the fact that you or one of the 100 other drunk-asses in our house will probably ravage through our fridge and poop in our shower is entitlement enough. It’s like going to Europe and insisting they should call “futbol” soccer instead, because ‘Merica. Don’t: Forget to cheers. Not known by many, the subtle sign of clinking your glass to another’s was used in Revolutionary America to differentiate fellow revolutionaries from the British loyalists. While this fact is 101% false, it’s at least a nice gesture to share before you and your friends’ mutual intoxication and has inspired some of the most moving, incoherent speeches to date. Do: Leave the table if you’re going to vomit. Sure, it’s embarrassing to quickly run off to the bathroom after downing a keg cup of beer right in front of the cute guy you like, but chances are he’ll still hit on you as long you rally well. Spewing mashed-up remains of Chipotle and Coors Light

through your nostrils like an elephant all over your dress as you attempt to cover your mouth, on the other hand, might be a bit of a turn-off. Do: Feel free to team up on one player. Getting a group of friends to all shovel their allotted drinks onto one poor soul during games such as Quarters and Waterfall is a drinking game ritual, and a great way to exact revenge for past wrongdoings. It’s a cruel tactic, and it’ll probably leave the victim of it passed out in a heaping

mess in the corner with a shoe for a pillow and several Kraft singles as their blanket, but hey, you should know it’s a risk you take anytime you step to the table. Too many weekend nights have been lost and friendships destroyed over poor drinking game etiquette. Cut or print this guide out and duct tape that bad boy right next to your favorite playing field to keep everyone in line. You stay classy, Lexington.

ME LEARN LOTS

THE TOP TEN

THINGS LEARNED AFTER ONE YEAR AT KENTUCKY The transition from high school to college is a learning experience for everyone. No one really knows what to expect. But as we close on another year here at Kentucky, The Black Sheep would like to look back on what we learned. These tips might just save an incoming freshman’s life.

EXPECTATIONS AND REALITIES OF SELF-CONTROL Erin Slekey wrote this

Growing up, you’re taught to control yourself in all situations. Then, college happens. Instead of controlling the amount of cookies you eat, it becomes how many can you eat in 30 minutes. Forget abstaining from sex, you’re keeping tallies in your Lilly Planner. But feel ashamed no longer, boys and girls, The Black Sheep is here to talk about self-control, the expectations and realities. Dieting: Expectation: You thought being a vegan would be such a good idea, even though you grew up eating an assortment of meats and giving zero shits about animal rights. But you love animals now and you’re going to do everything in your power to never harm another one again. Reality: The second you walked into Blazer at the end of the week for what you thought would be a nice plate of vegetables, you smelled the pizza and all hope was lost. But in all honesty, how many times were you going to walk past the Chick-fil-A in the Student Center before you gave in and devoured two 8-count nuggets and fries (with extra salt)? Booze: Expectation: If you’re not losing yourself in the pleasures of sweet treats, you’re treating yourself to something that will free up your inhibitions. It’s easier to care less about controlling yourself when you’re getting trashed every weekend. You go into the weekend telling yourself you’ll only go out one night and make sure you don’t order Mad Mush cheese sticks when you return. Even though you’re talking a handle of Fireball to the party, you’re certain you won’t get that drunk. Reality: But what happens once that first shot of tequila hits your lips? All promises of self-control go out the window and the next thing you know you’re on your fourth night out and it’s just now Friday. Like, 12:01 a.m on Friday. Your liver might not thank you later, but then again, who really cares? Dating and Sex: Expectation: And just when you thought you were starting to make progress and finally cut back from two glasses of breakfast wine to one, something in the back of your mind reminds you of that guy in your CIS class. You can tell by looking at him he’s got a 6-pack underneath and his jawline could cut glass. Like any rational human, you plan to have a casual conversation with him in class. Reality: Instead, you do what any hormone-raging girl would. You scout him out at the next frat party and have the most amazing sex with him, duh! Is he Mr. Right? Probably not, but you’re not looking for something serious anyway. Avoiding all control and potential monogamy, you do the same thing with his best friend the very next weekend. And the next, and the next. It’s official, you’ve lost any form of self-control you ever thought you had. So college wasn’t what you expected. Do you want to starve yourself every day when you look in the mirror? Sure. Do you tell yourself each hangover that you’ll never drink again? Of course! Do you always make sure to have a stack of Plan B pills on hand because you have zero control over your sexual wants? Absolutely! But don’t worry human, you are just like every other student lacking self-control across the country, and we salute you.

10.) Crosswalks are Only Suggestions: Wherever there’s an opening in traffic, take it and run. On the bright side, if you get hit you can sue and have your tuition paid; sounds like a win-win. 9.) Capilouto Should Run for President of the United States: Obviously with the number of snow days we had this year, this guy has got something everyone likes. He’s always looking out for his students and has our best interests at heart. So who better to take his title as president up a notch and become the real thing. He’s got our vote. 8.) Your Flex Dollars Aren’t Unlimited: The free money that they put on your card at the start of each semester does eventually run out. It’s better to try to space it out over sixteen weeks rather than spend it all in the first week like we did. It was almost worth it. 7.) Chick-fil-A Five Days a Week isn’t Actually Bad: Despite what all the health experts have told you about fast food, Chick-fil-A every day of the week won’t ruin your health. It’s good food from great people, what’s better than that? Keep on eatin’ ‘til your heart stops beatin’. 6.) GPA = BAC: When these two numbers are the same, you know you’re doing college right. You should aim for them both to be above a 3.0 and if you survive, you’ll have a great story to tell. Maybe don’t do that… you’ll die. But definitely tell people that’s how you ended the semester. 5.) Yik Yak and Tinder are a Great Confidence Boosters: Whenever you’re feeling down, just hop on Yik Yak or Tinder and see how many upvotes and matches you can get. The more you get, the better you’ll feel. You might even get laid! And is there really any better way to know that not everyone finds you repulsive? 4.) JC Ballers are the Real Deal: Everyone who achieves even the smallest amount of success playing basketball at the JC is ready to walk onto the team. So put your big boy shoes on and get ready to play against the best of the best. 3.) The South Side is the Right Side: Despite the new fancy dorms with Temper-Pedic mattresses on the north side of campus, the south side is where all the fun is at. UK housing apparently decided to put all of the anti-social, withdrawn students on the north side. 2.) Blonde, Blue, and Boots: A majority of the female population in Kentucky falls under this category. In the warm summer months and right before football season, these girls come out of hibernation and take over the campus until the first snowfall. 1.) Willy T. is More than a Library: Reading a book is probably the last thing students go into Willy T. to do. Sleeping, socializing, and loitering all come before the need to read or study. David Simms wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS “WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A BOX OF 5,000 SPIDERS?” PENNY SCHMITZ "I would just let it be."

PAYGE CORAZZINI

"I would put them in my roommate’s bed. No actually the refs of the Final Four's beds."

KRISTY SHADY

"I'd take 1,000 of the spiders and put them in Wisconsin’s locker room and then 1,000 of them in Duke’s locker room, the 1,500 of them personally in Coach K’s office. 1,000 in my sister’s car and then the last 500 I’d probably just burn because I fucking hate spiders."

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Staff wrote this

With summer fast approaching, the horribly boring task of updating your resume is imminent. You’ll be trying to find a job that allows for only three months employment and free weekends. Or as undergraduates call it “The Sasquatch of Jobs,” always heard of, but never seen. Here are a few tips to use so that you can find and catch that urban myth of a mildly enjoyable temporary job that still lets you get hammered on the weekends. Embellish Clubs Every Dairy Queen manager has seen a resume with a Student Council President or Kernel Editor on it, but what they haven’t seen is a Head Fractal Organizer or a Quantum Digital Consultant. Sure, the hiring manager won’t know what it means but damn, it sure sounds impressive. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to get caught. The manager at a Dairy Queen doesn’t know many big words to begin with. Be Bilingual: ¿Como está? That’s essentially everything you need to know to technically be bilingual. Do you have a smartphone with a language app? Because that counts too. If there’s one thing you’ve learned from the language requirement in CAS is that all it takes is

a translate button. De nada, amigos. Change Your Name: Resumes with white, male names get picked more often than not. Your feminist sociology professor wasn’t lying; as fucked up as this sounds, it’s statistically accurate. So if you want to get hired this summer, the best way to do it is to put a name like “John Caucasian Ihaveapenis” on your resume. Employers love the familiarity of Wonderbread whiteness and the comfort of overcompensating masculinity. Get Rid of the Small Stuff: A resume should be a quick read. People don’t want to hear about how you volunteered at some orphanage and gained memories that will last a lifetime; they want to hear about the experience you got in the Student Center filing (smoking) papers behind a desk. Or as you put it: fractal organizing. Leave out Your GPA: You’re not applying to grad school; you’re applying for minimum wage to subsidize your Smirnoff fund. If you’re so desperate for scholastic approval, maybe your summer job this year should be as a student. Either way you’re going to be spending

hours of your time earning something that will evaporate quicker than you can say “student loans.” Student Services: You’ve probably never stepped foot in the Student Services Building, but they’ve got some great people in there that really know how to lie on a resume. Some make you change the font and give you references for your resume like it’s an actual valuable thing. It’s essentially a push-up bra for your qualifications. Speaking of boobs, skip

this tip if you’re already “well-endowed”…who needs a job when you can have a sugar daddy? So, now you know how to pimp your paper. But keep in mind that these are merely suggestions to help you get something you are probably overqualified for. And like the Wile E. Coyote who chases the Road Runner, you are destined to keep chasing the very thing you badly wish for and never get, or die comically. Either way, you’re going to be busy this summer.

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HOW TO SPRUCE UP YOUR RESUME FOR SUMMER EMPLOYMENT

N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

THE BAR GRID Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots

Friday: HAPPY HOUR 5-9 $2 Wells! Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

Never Ending Happy Hour

NEVER ENDING HAPPY HOUR: $2 Wells from open until close! Live music or a DJ every Thursday! Doors open at 7, music starts at 9. FREE COVER Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter

Friday

HAPPY HOUR 7-10pm FREE TWO STEP LESSONS 7:30-8:30pm LIVE MUSIC 10-2:30am

Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots

HAPPY HOUR 5-9, $2 Wells, $9 Barrel Bowls ALL NIGHT! Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

Saturday

BIGGEST PARTY IN THE BLUEGRASS. NO COVER BEFORE 8:30pm. LIVE Country Music from 8pm-2:30am. Drink & shot specials all night

$4 Jack Honey DJ Reknown Kitchen Open Until 2AM

Doors open at noon, or 2 hours before ALL UK games, $12 Domestic buckets during the game, $9 Barrel Bowls all day long LIVE MUSIC starts at 9 with our DJ going on between sets and after 1am! FREE Cover for the ladies

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers

$5 Build your own Bloody Mary bar, and several Mimosa specials going on EVERY Saturday & Sunday! FREE WIFI and $7 Domestic pitchers ALL DAY

Monday

Check out www.austincitysaloon.com for upcoming shows!

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDNESDAY: 10 for 10! 10 Drinks for $10 Karaoke Contest and Bar Games with Cash Prizes!

Thursday

Jam with the Band 7:30-10pm AMERICAN MADE MUSIC SERIES 11-Close Shot and drink specials hourly

Tuesday

We're on Instagram austincitysaloon

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Open for ALL UK Games: $3 John Wall & gatorade shots, $12 Domestic buckets! Otherwise closed, except for private events. For venue booking please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Wednesday

10 for 10! 10 Drinks for $10 Karaoke Contest and Bar Games with Cash Prizes!

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry. DJ Rain

Come join us starting at 7 for $2 KT shots and $4 LIT's!! Acoustic music starts at 9, FREE COVER

Now Hiring Writers Your witty Tweets are just the beginning. Apply @ theblacksheeponline.com THE BAR GRID

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

SATURDAY $12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs, DJ Reknown , No Cover

THURSDAY NIGHT LIVE $5 Salza Blue Margaritas No Cover DJ KERRY GLASS

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

$10 Punchout - DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm! Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

Thursday

WHISKEY FRISKY FRIDAY Korey Hunt Performing Live $4 Jack Daniel's No Cover

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday! $4 Shots No Cover

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

$8 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers No Cover Lauren Mink Band Live

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

$12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs, No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

$3 Mega Mimosas

Happy Hour ALL DAY!

$1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

MONSTER CAN MONDAY $2 PBR Cans $1 Fireball 10 - Midnight

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday! Well Drinks for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

$2.50 All American Made from Scratch Long Island Iced Teas

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldﬁsh Racing! We supply the ﬁsh, you race them in our custom track $2 Well Drinks and Pints - DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

$2.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers DJ Kerry Glass

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wednesday

SPECIAL NIGHT

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

WHISKEY FRISKY FRIDAY Korey Hunt Performing Live $4 Jack Daniel's No Cover

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

TRUE STORY!

5 WAYS ADDERALL MAKES YOU A STUDY CHAMPION Staff wrote this

Finals week. The week where people drink gallons of coffee, sleep two hours a night, and consume Adderall from Pez dispensers. Coffee is gross and scientists say you should get at least 12 hours of sleep a night, but we all know that won’t happen, so let’s talk about Adderall. Here’s five fool-proof ways that Adderall helps you study. The Dewey Decimal System: You know how books are organized at libraries? Well on Adderall, you’re granted super-sorting abilities. You will organize everything in your apartment by color, then weight, then alphabetically, and then back to color. This new, neat-and-clean environment will really help you go about your studying in the most efficient manner possible! It will obviously still take 4 hours. This may seem like a giant waste of valuable studying time, but how much studying could you possibly do in a dirty room? You’ll thank Adderall later. You won’t waste time eating: Don’t you hate how you’re supposed to eat three times a day? Forget that food pyramid bullshit. The Adderall fairies packed all the nutrients and vitamins that you need in a day, right into one simple pill. We’re living in the future here, people. We’re pretty

sure if you ate an Adderall a day, you’d be the smartest, thinnest, most beautiful person at UK. Or you might just get addicted to it and never get anything done again without it… But think about how cool that first thing would be! You’ll get a good score on your test: Your drug test… the score will be positive… for amphetamines. Future employers will be impressed with the fact that you definitely used that drug to study. They’ll ask about it in the interview and congratulate you for testing positive. You could tell them about how you didn’t eat for 2 days, sorted your DVD collection, and only got the lowest score in your class by 3 points! They’ll totally identify with your superlaid-back attitude towards class, recreational drug use, and overall health. You’ll do research: On everything! You’ll find out that Alexander the Great was epileptic, and that elephants can draw pictures, and that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. The internet is such a cool place, especially on drugs. Why just study for that one test when you could learn everything that’s ever existed in one night? You may only score a 20.95% on the final, but now you know that’s

the exact same percent of oxygen that exists in our atmosphere. You don’t need to sleep: Adderall providers have made tons of money off of parents that are concerned their kid will be stupid… And they use that money to pay the sandman to go fuck himself while you’re on it. The tunnel vision you get from not sleeping is just your brain working super-efficiently. You’ll be so “in the zone” that

you’ll create your own formulas and words. You don’t need actual knowledge of mathematics or language, you just need Adderall. So pop one around midnight before your test, add no water, and watch your test scores grow! Gobble ‘em up, as the kids say. It’s finals season, which means it’s Adderall season—get yours today!

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

AUDREY AT TIN ROOF

Relationship Status: Taken Major: Media arts and studies Favorite Drink: White Russian Favorite Shot: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Disgusting Drink: Fernet If there was a major in bartending, what would be the final?: Drink off! What food item is criminally underrated as a drunk munchie?: Loaded Hot Tots ;) What was the last thing that melted in your mouth but not in your hand?: A Reese’s Egg Which animal would be most intimidating in robot

form?: Any robotic big cat, because it would maul your face off. What song would you strip to?: I don’t strip. Sorry! What current piece of technology will be hilariously outdated in 10 years? Why?: The FitBit, because they will probably put a microchip or something like that directly into your body. Who is the oldest person you’re sexually attracted to?: Frank Underwood Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s hilarious!

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM

With spring comes the greatest sports season of all time: baseball. So grab a bag of peanuts and take a seat at your favorite stadium. Our drinking game will make your fun in the sun that much more interesting.

The weather is getting warm and will hopefully stay that way. There’s no better way to cool down than to dig into a huge ice cream sundae. Skip the lines of basic bitches at your local froyo shop and create your own sundae following our famous The Black Sheep recipe.

What You’ll Need: Any kind of drink, but if you’re at a ball game it should be a beer, you goddamn American.

What You’ll Need: A tub of your favorite flavor of ice cream, chocolate syrup, sprinkles, whipped cream, and other stuff.

Number of Players: You and 40,000 other sunburnt lunatics. Level of Intoxication: You’ll forget which color your team is wearing. How to Play: -Take a drink every time someone tries to sell you another beer. -Take a drink for every foul ball (try to catch it if it’s near you). -Take a drink each time you see someone with a hot dog. -Take a drink every time a new pitcher or pinch hitter comes in. -Take a drink for each jumbotron game played between innings. Drink twice if your pick loses. -If there’s a meeting at the mound, keep drinking until play resumes. -Take a long drink for every homerun. -Take a big ol’ drink after every inning. -Drink if your team wins. -Drink more if your team loses. The Game Ends: After the 9th inning and you’re left walking in circles trying to find your car outside.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Fatty Factor: We really hope you’re not lactose intolerant… Let’s Get Baked: -Scoop your ice cream into a large bowl. -Heat up the chocolate syrup for 30 seconds, then drizzle it on top. -Drop a couple of diabetic-sized spoonfuls of sprinkles on top. -Dump any other toppings you may have found in your pantry. Think crackers, cookies, gummy anything, left-over pastries from Easter. Just go nuts. -Top it all off with a can of whipped cream. Don’t be shy. Now that you have a colossal sundae, go ahead and dig in before it starts to melt. Eating your creation in the comfort of your home means you avoid hearing girls talk about just “how white girl wasted” they got last night.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES (AND SO CAN YOU!) Finals. What came to mind when you saw that word? Pain? Agony? Nicolas Cage? We know it probably wasn’t Nicolas Cage, but we’re here to tell you it should be. A cornerstone of the Hollywood scene for years, Nicolas Cage is known for his amazing feats of actoring, subtle emotional nuances, and most importantly, starring in really really great movies. But Nic is more than meets the eye; he’s a hidden gem filled with a lifetime of knowledge. While you may not fully understand the tornado of desperation that is finals, it might surprise you to know that Nic does, and he’s here to help.

- Molly Ade

Just thinking about finals is stressful, and stress can make you do crazy things, like get really high and steal a baby. When Nic gets stressed from screaming every word that comes out of his mouth, he too sometimes gets really high and steals a baby. It’s okay, the baby had an edible— he doesn’t even know what his fingers are right now.

That first look at a semester’s worth of notes is like the bubonic plague: no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to avoid being bitten by a rat that’s been running around in street sewage because this is the 14th century and you don’t know what a toilet is. Did you follow that simile? Just looking at the overload of chunks of information squeezed between unidentifiable doodles makes you feel like you’ve somehow been put in a woman’s naked body in the shower while a bumble bee crawls on you and Gordon Ramsay threatens to kill you for overcooking the butternut squash.

Screw having time to degrime, who has the time to workout during finals? Nic Cage doesn’t have the time to workout during finals. Just like you, Nic likes to tell people he’s working out and staying fit when really he’s just sitting on his couch mesmerized by whatever Lifetime movie is currently playing.

You’re free from that one-night stand that you swear never happened, but you’re not totally in the clear. Finals week isn’t a hangover immunity shield, and nothing makes your head and body hurt more than “The inner mitochondrial membrane is compartmentalized into numerous cristae, which expand the surface area of the inner mitochondrial membrane, enhancing its ability to produce ATP.” One eye is screaming from the brutal assault of library fluorescent lights. The other eye is confused because it comprehended 0% of that sentence. Your brain is smiling though. It’s still drunk and thinks your current inability to properly hold a pencil is hilarious.

The brain can only hold a finite amount of important information—like the sexual preferences of each famous philosopher for example—which means other, more common sense information—like your name or how to operate a microwave—is pushed out of the ol’ ear hole to make room for academia. Silly Nic, handcuffing your finger isn’t going to keep you attached to anything!

Sometimes during finals you’re assigned long, painful papers that seem like they’re never going to end. Sometimes you pour your heart and overly caffeinated soul into said treacherously long paper, only to realize you’ve written it on the completely wrong topic and you have 5 hours to do it all over again. When that time comes, it’s only natural to blink out every last little bit of soul you had in your eyes and just stare like you have the mental function of [insert name of Johnny Depp’s character] in [insert name of Johnny Depp movie].

Finals can bring out mixed emotions. You might be happy to be done with one class while still stressfully confused that you’ve still managed to learn nothing in an entire semester. No matter what you’re feeling, you should always be honest with your emotions. When Nic has mixed emotions he leaves them all out on the table. Sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s sad. Sometimes he has catstache, sometimes he does not have catstache.

You’re almost at the finish line, just one final to go, but you can’t help feeling like you’ve gained almost too much information in too short a timespan. Begrudgingly you decide you can’t study for your last final, not because you don’t want to, but because the slightest bit more knowledge could startle your bird hair into flying away.

Personal hygiene gets thrown out the window when there’s even a whiff of finals in the air; it’s the only time of year where all students band together to suffocate campus with B.O. stench and blind it with pedophilic pizza delivery guy mustaches. Looking back at pictures, you may be thinking, “What the actual fuck was I thinking?” but don’t be alarmed, Nic is too.

Spending days on end in the cold dungeon the administrators of death call “the library” can take a serious toll on a person. It’s okay to take one night to go out, let loose, and maybe hookup with the love of your life you just met 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately they’ll probably have leopard bed sheets, and more unfortunately the carpet will probably match the leopard drapes, but at least you’ll have a perfect getaway excuse! I’d love to stay and name our future children but the dungeon awaits me.

You’ve made it through finals—finally—but you’re not the same person you were when you started. You’ve gained new knowledge you’ll carry with you for the rest of the next two weeks, you’ve seen things a person should never have to see; if you looked in a mirror you’d barely recognize yourself. Nic goes through this transformation every time he churns out a motion picture for the ages. Is this a picture of an eagle? Yes. Is it also Nic Cage? Yes. Nicolas Cage is now a bird, and so can you.

FAMOUS JENS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) This American Idol-winning Jennifer was born in Chicago. 6) This Jennifer was one of the stars on the late-90s sitcom Dharma & Greg. 7) Ben Affleck is married to this Jennifer. 9) This Jenna has over 14 million YouTube subscribers, the most by any woman. 10) Jenny Lewis is the lead singer of this band, two words. 14) Jennifer Lawrence plays this role in The Hunger Games series, two words. 15) Jennifer Coolidge played who’s mom in American Pie? 16) Jennifer Lopez became a household name after playing this famous pop star. 17) Jennifer Carpenter had a prominent role in this popular Showtime series. DOWN: 1) This Jennifer won an Academy Award and a Golden Globe for her supporting role in A Beautiful Mind. 2) This Jennifer is both an actress and successful poker player. 4) This friendly Jennifer is regularly regarded as one of the most beautiful actresses. 5) This Jennifer is famous for her roles in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Dirty Dancing. 8) This Jenna is most notable for her adult-entertainment performances. 11) This Jennifer definitely knows what you did last summer, two words. 12) Jenna Bush Hager is a special correspondent for this tv show, two words. 13) Jenny McCarthy has a strong stance against what?

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HITTING UP THE GROCERY STORE Spending my first year in a ___1___ apartment is overall exceptionally ___2___, but there’s one thing I’m nervous about; grocery shopping. Usually ___3___ does that for me, picking up my ___4___ ___5___and bags of ___6___-flavored ___7___ patties so you can imagine my ___8___ when I stepped into ___9___. The lights! The bright colors! The uniformity! I was way too ___10___ for that shit. I think that was my biggest mistake. I was all like… ___11___ is in the what section? I have to push this cart with what appears to be ___12___ residue all over it? Can I lick my fingers? No, I shouldn’t. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I needed a ___13___ stat. When I saw the wall of candy from across the store I ___14___ my way over there faster than a ___15___ girl swallows… nevermind. I stood in awe of the buckets of ___16___ and ___17___ and ___18___! Like a ___19___ in heat, I dived in ___20___-first into one of those bins of ___21___ and nearly drowned in that sweet, sweet sugar. An employee resembling ___22___ had to yank me out, and a crowd of ___23___ were studying me with intrigue. While I was getting escorted out, I saw one dive into a bucket of ___24___ and got a concussion. Way to be, tho!

WORD BANK 1) Popular apartment complex 2) Synonym for good 3) Push-over relative 4) Flavor 5) Breakfast pastry 6) Type of cheese 7) Vegetable 8)Synonym for confused 9) Local grocery store 10) Slang for high 11) Basic vegetable 12) Drug

13) Type of pharmaceutical pill 14) Verb 15) Sorority 16) Gummy candy 17) Type of nut 18) Weird grain 19) Wild animal 20) Body part 21) Favorite candy 22) Old celebrity 23) Foreigners 24) Hard candy 25) Fast food

So, yeah, I didn’t get very far at the grocery store. Looks like it’s ___25___ for the rest of the year!

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