The Black Sheep
FR EE . ep .. lik ic vid e yo eo u a ga re me du se rin ss g a io n. n
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 1, Issue 13 • 4/11/13 - 4/17/13
springtime romance: thanks, but no thanks mary venuto wrote this
The birds are doing it. The bees are doing it. Even squirrels, feral cats, and your roommates are getting some action. Crisp, blue skies and gentle, caressing breezes are drawing out more than family picnickers. Spring has long been associated with love, affection, and getting it on. Even worse, this pleasant weather gives couples reason to take their displays of affection to the public arena. Brace yourselves all single ladies and gentlemen -- the paralyzing fear of being forever alone will crash on you every instance you catch two people sucking face outside of White Hall. And they’ll be putting on a show for you, all right. Every one of these forever-alone stories begins the same way. You step outside of your door and think to yourself “Wow, what a wonderful day.” You maybe even jaunt on down to class with some extra pep in your step. But then, in the middle of enjoying the beautiful singsong of the birds on campus, you see a disgustingly cute couple holding hands. How precious; just like middle school. For a minute you critically consider starting an impromptu game of Red Rover, but ultimately decide against it. When you arrive to your class you decide to sit in the back of the room and sink back in your chair. Welcome to the club, loner. The pity party begins. Your initial response will be “Who wants to be in a relationship anyway?” And keep at that thought, there’s no use in accepting that it’s all a futile attempt to make yourself feel better about your recent browser history. Regular sex is a thing of the past for the average Joe ever since Xbox and the Internet porn industry took off. Besides… think of all of the perks that come with not being tied down. Not having a significant other means you get to drink and gamble as much as you want at Keeneland. Nor will anyone nag at you for the sunburn you’ll acquire from drinking under the sun all day. The only things you’ll wake up to tomorrow are a hangover… and your goddamn free will. Unconditional love and acceptance is so overrated. Right, guys? Oh, all right. Being in love is the tits. You get all the tinglywinglies in your stomach and no-no area. Having someone to text dirty things to makes class just fly by. There’s also just something to be said about sporting a hickey the size of a quarter on your neck. Trashy? Maybe. But the at least the whole class knows that you’re getting some action. Hell, the world is a better place
No Escape: The Crazy People From Your Dorm Meeting them is inevitable, so prepare yourself for when it happens.
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when you feel like you belong somewhere with someone. Maybe we shouldn’t give overly affectionate couples such a hard time. After all, jealousy is the ugliest trait. Also a “cardinal sin.” (we looked it up). …just kidding. Our sight isn’t blurred by love’s rose-colored glasses. When you’re part of a couple you got ninety-nine problems and your relationship is all of them. The tingly-winglies come
what'’s inside
with a cost: your dignity. Having to apologize to your significant other for not being able to talk on the phone when you’re out with your friends is a pitiful sight. And the only thing worse than the public displays of affection is the public displays of aggression. So next time you have to bear witness to a couple’s consummation just remember that most marriages end up in divorce court. In reality, being single is the best thing for your sorry ass right now.
Ugly Trends Virus
The Thirst: A Friendly PSA
Just because they're selling it doesn't mean you have to buy it!
'Desperate stalker' isn't a good look for, well, anyone.
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