The Black Sheep
FR E on E... th like e s th tree e c t t ouc his he tim s y e o ou f y fin ea d r.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @UKBlackSheep
Volume 1, Issue 14 • 4/18/13 - 4/24/13
A Breath of Fresh Air? AN Open Letter to Campus Faculty uk staff wrote this Dear Professor Whoever, Aren't you just about sick of looking at that linoleum tile in Whitehall? Or how about having to fiddle with that damn projector that you just can’t seem to figure out? As devoted, hardworking students we care for your health, and we can see that wasting away in these concrete asbestos traps is starting to take its toll on you. All we want is for you to feel the warmth of the sun on your wrinkly, beautiful face and breathe fresh air with those withered little lungs of yours. We have your best interests at heart, honest. But to do this, you might need to spend a little more time outside… and that could be a bit of a problem with that strict teaching-classindoors policy you’ve got going on. It almost seems like the only way around this dilemma might be to start holding classes outside in this beautiful, holy-mother-of-god-is-this-Kentucky? weather. Obviously, this unorthodox approach would be intended purely for our academic benefit, and in no way would it signal a relaxed prelude to our imminent summer vacation. This outdoor-class concept might be a bit of a sacrifice for us students, but we’re more than ready to make it, if only for your sake. Just imagine, it’ll push your teaching to new heights as you use blades of grass to demonstrate complex chemical formulas, or point to the nesting sparrows to illustrate the power of rational economic decision making. Regardless, you’re sure to have, maybe for the first time, the enthusiastic and engaged attention of your entire class as you ramble on about science… err, this is a science course, right? There are boobs over there that we can’t stop looking at. And then right there in the midst of that super-important lecture, ask yourself -- can you feel that warm breeze on your face? Can you hear those birds softly chirping? Can you see how good your tan skin will look? Frankly, you look handsome. You'll see your health significantly improve. And more importantly, students will be flocking to audit your course after overhearing your wonderful lecture on the biology of… um, trees and stuff. Are they seriously sun bathing over there? It’s April! THIS IS THE BEST CLASS OF OUR LIVES. Not to mention the incredible praise your end-of-the-year reviews will bring after students start raving about your innovative and groundbreaking “teaching-class-outside-sometimes” method. And naturally, your classes will be on display for all the touring high
Keeneland College Day
school seniors looking for their perfect college. Can you imagine that lucky applicant watching your class being taught? Averageranked public safety school? Psh, not anymore, thanks to you! Welcome to the University of Kentucky, the new fucking Princeton. Freshmen will no doubt clamor for the chance to study under your revolutionary guidance. And when those students turn out to be valedictorian successes, after they cure cancer but before they solve world peace, they’ll personally stand up and thank you at the podium for the transforming influence you’ve had over their career. That’s when you’ll know you’ve made the right decision.
what'’s inside
So here it is, sir. Your shining moment has arrived to lead your students through example. Have your class outside. Your students will thank you for the change, President Capilouto will thank you for your creativity, and your health will thank you for sparing it one more day in that stuffy allergen-incubator. So just get out there and enjoy the fresh air! Screw White Hall. Sincerely, Students Everywhere
Welcome to…Big Red Nation?
Bartender of the Week
IT's Decadent and Depraved! when else do you drink mint juleps?
Good sportsmanship is fine. Outright treason is unacceptable.
Arcadium’s Hampton recounts bad tipping and heinous pursetheft.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: from the streets
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what are you going to miss about UK the most this summer?
page 5: The Top 10: Spring cleaning tips Get the vacuum out, but don't do anything funny with it.
page 10: 420 blaze it
Your first time hitting that blunt? Oh, to be that young again!
Table of
page 11: Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster
Booze and Balls? Grilled Cheese and Pizza? Oh yeah, we're livin' large.
page 12: NBA on TNT Blows Up
The announcers yukkin' it up take it too far one night.
page 13: We Interview: A Colorado Budtender
It turns out, you can’t be high all the time to run this business.
! Prices r, e w e o B L e m nd Aweso asty Wine, a T
THE PARTY STARTS HERE!
HAPPY HOUR EVERYDAY FROM 3 - 7PM
with Buy One, Get One Pints and 10% Off Growler Fills 561 S BROADWAY ROAD • LEXINGTON • (859) 317-8733 LOCATED AT THE LEX APARTMENT COMPLEX
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word of the week
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Kartography:
The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise. “Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”
Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas, Tyler Flatt
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley, Shelby Bevins Jordan Johnson, Neal Querio distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon Social media manager Olivia McCoy
Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608.712.0900
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink... Responsibly and legally.
Mutual icing wasn't the first thing these two have done in front of multiple cameras. (Want to become famous next week?) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Bourbon & Toulouse Bluetique Cheapside Campus Pub Cosmic Charlies Hugh Jass Paddoc Paulies Toasted Barrel Pazzo's Smashburger Starbucks T-Bar The Lex Tin Roof Tolly Ho Two Keys Fusion Tanning
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What are you going to miss about UK the most this summer? "Not the school work! I'm ready to get turnt!" - Noble B., Sophomore
Keeneland college day Is decadent and depraved
"Running around the dorms doing crazy shit with all my hall mates." - Tonya F., Freshman
Jackie Danger wrote this So it's April, and the Keeneland racetrack has finally opened. Thank god. Of course, you already knew that. Between the bed sheet banners hung from frat houses, the generous advertising on our trolleys, and the buzzing chatter of sorority girls you'd have to be an idiot not to sense that something's been going on vaguely related to day drinking, sundresses and maybe a horse. What you might not know, however, that under the guise of sun-drenched fun, casual alcoholism and Kentucky tradition, Keedeland's College Day is total nonsense. When you really think about it, Keeneland’s College Day is wholly insulting to the impoverished college student. Between rising tuition, textbook price gouging and the annually threatened eviction from our State Street slum town by city council, the average UK student probably doesn’t feel much like a moneyed member of the ritzy Bluegrass elite. And when we all face that weekly dilemma of choosing between a 12-pack of ramen or a 12-pack of Natty Light, it’s hard to imagine where we would possibly find the extra cash to throw away on playing dress-up and gambling on a sport nobody understands.
enough, but the bizarre cooperation from the cops is particularly infuriating. On any other day of the year our friendly Lexington law enforcement officers are just waiting to pick us off for our drunk shenanigans. But when Keeneland comes around, all bets are off and everyone’s more than eager to lure us over to Keeneland to get hammered and blow our (parents') money. Now don’t get us wrong. Day drinking in public is just fine -- The Black Sheep are avid practitioners of the art ourselves -- but that's the whole reason why there's an alley behind Cosmic Charlie’s and Speedway. For those of us upperclassmen who’ve been dodging bike cops and brown-bagging it behind Kroger for years, it can be a little tiring hearing another college freshman rant about how sweet it is to drink in the daylight for the first time. And you certainly didn’t have to spend $50 just to get the same sensation we all get from the Heaven Hill water bottles we sneak into class.
And yet Keeneland, that sly bastard, tricks us all into doing exactly that. We all borrow our friend’s polo, struggle to pull off a sloppy Windsor knot, and carpool down to the racetrack to live out our F. Scott Fitzgerald fantasy of pounding mint juleps and betting on the ponies… presumably with our leftover nickels. When in the hell did we ever care about watching horses? And who can even remember what’s in a mint julep?
The worst part is that this whole dress up tea party is peddled to us as an important Kentucky tradition. Bunk. Abraham Lincoln,16th President and Kentucky native, chopped logs like a man. Probably bare-chested. Also we’re told he might have fought vampires. That’s Kentucky heritage. Moreover, Andrew Jackson was right on the money when he observed in 1804 “I have never seen a Kentuckian without a gun, a pack of cards and a bottle of whiskey in my life.” Are these the same Kentucky ancestors who put on their Sperry’s and pink ties right before rushing off to enjoy the fancy delights of a day at the races?
This whole Great Gatsby charade on our part might be bad
We think not, Keeneland. We think not.
"The epic parties." - Jared R., Junior
The
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Top 10 Spring cleaning tips Ah, spring is finally upon us! The Black Sheep caught one mean case of spring fever, and we think it’s about time we infect all of you, too! Here’s our top 10 spring cleaning tips that, unlike our spring break rashes, keep giving without an intense burning sensation. 10.) Let in some fresh air: It’s been cold outside for an unseasonably long time, but you really need to air out your place now that it’s warm. The smell of old milk and body odor isn’t the aphrodisiac that you think it is, and it’s a miracle your hamsters have lived this long without clean air to breathe. 9.) Clean your windows: Sure, the three inch layer of gunk blocks the sun from cutting into your sleeping-in days (AKA all of the days), but you’re going to need to start tanning. Being deathly pale for your vampire Halloween costume was kind of cool. Now it’s just weird and worrisome. 8.) Flip your couch cushions: Remember that time Dan threw up on your couch? Your houseguests won’t once they're looking at the other side of the cushion! Now they’ll remember that time that he hooked up with that one girl on your couch last year. And why they stopped hanging out with Dan.
Welcome to…
Big Red Nation?
Mary Venutowrote this
For all those without an Internet connection, basic cable, or friends you might not be all caught-up on the Really Big News: the Louisville Cardinals are the 2013 NCAA Basketball Champions. And although the Michigan State coach spat some bullshit quote about how a true fan could never pull for their rival, here at the University of Kentucky we can all apparently appreciate that the championship has stayed in God’s country. You’ve all made that point abundantly clear with all your Cardinal gear around campus. Where do you even buy that shit in Lexington? Sure, compared to last year’s post-apocalyptic NCAA rioting, some of this friendly cheer is fairly welcome. Has UK possibly become a school of… dare we say, good sportsmanship? However, some of you have taken this proLouisville fraternalism a little far. Did you really expect The Black Sheep to believe that you all just had an extra Cardinals t-shirt or two tucked away in your sock drawer? Please. It was only a couple months ago when you wore your Kentucky-blue boxers three days in a row “just for good measure.” after Nerlens Noel exploded his knee. But my… how the tables have turned. Out of nowhere Louisville apparel has popped up everywhere on campus. The Louisville bandwagon must have literally rolled through campus, because students are suddenly clamoring all over each other to jump on board. Don’t act like nothing’s wrong if you’re casually strutting down Euclid with your Cardinal’s ballershorts. You’ve jumped ship, and you clearly want all of us to see you simmer in your shame. We can only hope your Pitino Pride is well-documented
on Facebook so we can all enjoy those traitorous photos next March. For shame, fair-weather fans, for shame. As even-minded progressive types, The Black Sheep would just like to say that we are accepting of all alternative-lifestyle choices on campus. But we’re tired of hearing how much better Louisville is than UK. Louisville is only a short hour and a half drive away. If you really want to bitch about Lexington this much, what are you waiting for? We can assure you that we don’t want you here just as much as you don’t want to be here.
7.) Empty out your fridge: Being able to say, “No, those are probably still good,” is long gone. Just because the booze for your white Russians won’t expire doesn’t mean the cream won’t either. 6.) Empty out all of your expired medicine: It’s just taking up room in your bathroom, so take it to the kitchen and empty it into something. Choose the blender if you want to mix things up, or put it in a pot on the stove to get things cooking. Who knows, you could be the next Name-of-the-guy-who-invented-meth! 5.) Wipe the top of your fan blades: God only knows what’s been breeding up there during the three seasons it’s been since you last cleaned it. Get rid of it before its numbers increase and it threatens to take over the world! 4.) Clean your sheets: When people get pregnancy scares just from sitting on your bed, you can be sure of two things: it’s time to clean your linens and you should really invest in some tissues. 3.) Use flavored vodka to clean your floors: That bottle of Burnett’s Orange has been sitting in your kitchen for four months and it’s never going to reach the kill shelf unless you make a creative use for it. The vodka will eliminate all of the bacteria, while the chalky orange smell will remind people that they should buy name brand cleaner and vodka (not the 2-in-1 kind) next time they’re at the store. 2.) Get a vacuum: You can only push things under the couch with your foot for so long, and after a semester there’s a noticeable tilt to your couch. Much like your relationship with that born-again kid, sucking is definitely the way to go here.
Louisville bandwagoners, we aren’t losing sleep over you guys. For starters, you aren’t fooling anybody. Weren’t you right there helping us flip over that car last year? We missed you at this year’s pity-party. Nor does anybody think more highly of you because you claim to root for the NCAA champions. How sportsman-like of you. Besides, next season you’ll just come crawling back, begging for forgiveness. Or you will jump on next season’s bandwagon team. Either way, your opinions are invalid since you are the worst type of sports fan. Thanks for making college sports fandom even more obnoxious than it needs to be. There’s nothing inherently wrong in congratulating a team for their hard-won victory. After all, we all know friends from Louisville. Plus there’s something to be said for keeping the NCAA title in a state that’s only other national recognition is KFC and meth addiction. But we have to draw a line somewhere, and this sudden explosion of red pride is making us more nervous than Eugene McCarthy in the 1950s.
1.) Don’t stick your genitals into the vacuum: People may have told you it feels better than oral sex, but they were lying. It feels much, MUCH better. But still, it’s not worth your roommates and neighbors rushing to find you attached to a cleaning appliance with a bottle of vodka floor cleaner in hand… again.
black sheep staff wrote this
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Giving away $10,000! FOR ONE DAY ONLY ON 4.22.13—$0 Down. Tour TODAY!
STOP SLEEPING AROUND...
LIVE @ RED MILE VILLAGE!
1051 Red Mile Rd. Lexington, KY 40504 859.455.8208 Apply online TODAY at www.redmilevillage.com
Prince Hookah Bar
The Bar Grid TUESDAY! $1 off KY Brewed Beers
WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
50cent Domestic Drafts Monday - Friday 3-7pm Customer Appreciation Month: 2 for 1 Wells UK Plus Account Accepted!
SUNDAY! Buy 2 Hookah Get 1 Free
THURS, 4/18
$3 Pickle Backs!
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
50cent Domestic Drafts 3-7pm 2 for 1 Wells Song Writers Night (Students Welcome!)
Follow us on Twitter and get $5 single hose and $10 double hose
FRI, 4/19
$6 AAA Discount! A shot of Ancient Ancient Age Bourbon and a pint of Falls City
Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots
50cent Domestic Drafts 3-7pm 2 for 1 Wells Live Music, Kings Ransom
Free Coals and Tobacco with a purchase of a hookah!
SAT, 4/20
$6 AAA Discount! A shot of Ancient Ancient Age Bourbon and a pint of Falls City
Say it ain’t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
Live Music, Z-103FM & Friends
Free Coals and Tobacco with a purchase of a hookah!
SUN, 4/21
$6 Titos Bloody Mary's w/ all the fixins'!
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
Service Industry Day 20% off
Buy 2 Hookah Get 1 Free
MON, 4/22
This Day in History Special (see bar for details)
Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm
50cent Domestic Drafts 3-7pm 2 for 1 Wells Karaoke 8-11pm
Free Popcorn
$1 off KY Brewed Beers
Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!
50cent Domestic Drafts 3-7pm 2 for 1 Wells 8pm Open Mic Contest: Winner Gets $100 & Spot in $1,000 Grand Finale
Free Refills on Hookah
Hump (the keg) Day Special - $1 OFF a random keg
$6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
Live Music 50cent Domestic Drafts 3-7pm 2 for 1 Wells Whiskey Wednesdays: 50cent shots, $5 Whiskey Pitchers
Free Chex Mix
SPECIAL NIGHT
TUES, 4/23 WED, 4/24
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID
The Bar Grid FRIDAY! NO COVER! $3 Patron Cafe & Jack Honey
Happy Hour Mon-Sat 2-7PM!
Thursday! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells, $3 PBR Tall Boys, and $2 Barrel Brew drafts
FRIDAY! LEX VEGAS! DJ KEVIN SCOTT!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Punch Out Thursday! $10 Punch Out, DJ Prof Punch out w/ DJ Davinci
Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!
College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $2 Barrel Brew drafts, $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!
Live Music! $2 Domestic Beer Longnecks, $3 Wells
THURS, 4/18
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
Happy Hour 8-10pm: $2 Wells!! All Night: $2 Tequila shots, $3 PBR Tall Boys! Enjoy one of over 101 Bourbons at our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar!! FREE COVER!
LEX VEGAS! DJ KEVIN SCOTT!
FRI, 4/19
No Cover $2.50 PBR Tallboys RPI "the one man band"
Happy Hour 2-7pm! $6 Pitchers of Bud 12-6pm, Live Music
Open at Noon! Come enjoy a $5 Bloody Mary or Mimosa!! $3 Domestic drafts and $7 Domestic Pitchers until 8 Live Music starts around 9:30, Free cover for the ladies!
Biggest & Best Party In Lexington w/ The Best DJ'S From Out Of Town
SAT, 4/20
$5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar! $1 Two Key Lagers
Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)
Sunday Funday! Join us for the Jammin' @ the Barrel, an open Mic day, that starts at 4! $4 Fireball ALL DAY!!
Available for Rentals: 859-317-9399
SUN, 4/21
Value Menu Monday $1 Drinks $1 Two Key Lager Pints
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers at 10pm
Closed Except for Events...to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Available for Rentals: 859-317-9399
MON, 4/22
Two Keys $2 Tuesday $2 Drinks, $2 Domestic Pints Goldfish Racing DJ Rain
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
Closed Except for Events...to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Available for Rentals: 859-317-9399
TUES, 4/23
$3 Wells Beat for a Buck off
Happy Hour 2-7pm $5 Pitchers, $6 Quesadillas at 7pm
Bluegrass Wednesdays!! FREE COVER, LIVE BLUEGRASS @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball Shots!
Wine Down Wednesday: $7 Bottles of Wine
WED, 4/24
90's Night, 90's DJ & Pricing 2 for One Wells After Midnight
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420 blaze it: An 8th Grader’s First Time Getting High Tex Mex wrote this hey guys whuddup my names tyler and i just wanna say i cannot WAIT for the best holiday on earth next to christmas (i wonder if santa ever smoked the ganj lol) to roll in. anyway, 420 is upon us once again and id just like to share with all of my fellow “advocates of the green” out there my first experience getting high last year, which was waaaaay too late if you ask me. seriously, if any1 offered me a spliff at like, age 6 id light dat shit up faster than my man mr. marley (my idol btw). i just figured id do my job as a reborn ENT and spread the good word of the day i went to heaven (when i first smoked basically lol). also, i need to kill some time on my moms laptop while my new video “how to roll a fatty w/o your hands” uploads to youtube. ok so me and my buddies tommy and david (tommy is the chill one and davids the pussy aha) were tearing it up at the skate park after ditching gym class cuz idgaf if i get expelled, wearing gym clothes is dumb as hell. so me and the guys were skating and all of a sudden this high school kid came up to us wearing a sublime shirt, so he was totally ok. then he was like “hey do you guys smoke?” and then tommy was like “yeah” and i was like “a little bit” (even though i had only tried to smoke a sheet of spiral paper in 6th grade) and david said “no thats lame” and me and tommy were like “stfu david” and we all laughed. so then the high school guy (he must have been at least 20 cuz he had a moustache) asked us if we wanted to buy some pot. at this point a choir of angels said “hallelujah” in my ears…lol jk but i was seriously so stoked to be able to trip out finally. the guy said he would sell us a pound of purple strand kush straight from columbia (which is some bufu part of mexico i think, idk) for 60 bucks. like, he would sell us the WHOLE bag. and he said that we would get higher than cheech and chong on holiday in hampsterdam (the original stoners lol love you guys),
so there was no way i could turn this down. so me and tommy put in 20 bucks each and we told david wed beat the shit out of him if he didn’t pitch in (hed probably be a bitch about it anyway like when me and tommy totally had the chance to bang this one freshman chick but hung out with david instead because he needed support because his dad died or some shit). we went back to tommys house with the weed because his parents dgaf because their divorced and they let him do whatever he wants (i wish my mom and dad would do that too, itd be awesome haha) and we sat in his basement while he got his lighter and rolling paper that he printed from the internet (word of advice to all my potheads reading this: google images “rolling paper” and thank me later). david opened the bag and said something stupid like “this smells like my moms spice rack” and then i was like “my dick smells like your moms rack” and me and tommy laughed so hard. then david, because hes such an idiot, tastes a little bit of it and says “no really it tastes like it too” and so i was like “youre obviously high now you dumbass, you cant just eat mary-j like that, right tommy?” tommy agreed with me and we kicked out david for being an asshole lol. so then tommy lit the blunt and took a monster hit but he didn’t puff out any smoke (i think hes just a vet you know) and then he passed it to me. i breathed in like id be doing this all my life and i starting coughing and shit and it was so awful but i blew out the smoke immediately because thats how the weed starts working. after one hit i was in complete nirvana (good band too RIP kurt) and i was seeing colors all over and i was laughing so hard and i was tripping balls at that point. tommy kept saying he wasnt high. light weight lol. needless to say, after the high was gone after like 5 hours, i went back and bought more of the wonder drug from that high school kid. he always laughs
whenever i buy from him, so hes probably stoned out of his mind too aha. so thats my story and shit i hope you guys like it since my videos done and my bitch mom is telling me to get off the computer. peace guys. legalize don’t criticize. smoke weed everyday. highest regards, tyler “cloud 9”
Learn to Pass the Other Bar Exam Learn how to apply please visit at: www.LexingtonBartendingSchool.com Call us at 859-269-6060 We’re located at 349 Old Virginia Ave. Suite 120. Open: 9:30 am - 10 pm Mon - Fri PBSA © 2012 | All Rights Reserved
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bartender of the week hampton f. arcadium Hometown: Lexington
stealing each other’s purses.
What made you want to bartend: I fell into it. I’m a social person and enjoying drinking.
Favorite drink to make: Spicy margarita.
Is bartending your favorite job you’ve ever had: Yeah. Has bartending taught you any life lessons: People aren’t what they seem after a few drinks. Is bartending difficult: Not really. Favorite part of bartending: The social aspect and interacting or watching people. Worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do in a bar: People
the drinking game:
What drink do you order at a bar: Draft beer or bourbon. If you could share a drink with anyone who’d it be: Johnny Cash What’s your hangover cure: Bloody Mary and Advil What’s your favorite pickup line you’ve heard at the bar: Ask her when she quit modeling. What do bartenders know that the rest of us don’t: How to tip!
recipe for disaster:
Booze Ball
Grilled Cheese Pizza
The only thing better than drinking cold beer and eating a hot dog and peanuts on a nice spring day is watching dudes spit tobacco while playing with their balls—er, baseballs. Don’t just watch the fun. Take this game outside and get drunk. It’s officially booze ball season.
Like when Robb Stark married the Frey girl, securing The Twins for the North, this is an unholy union of two unlike things. Will this work out better or worse than the wedding? Let’s hope it’s better.
What You’ll Need: Four kegs and a Wiffle ball and bat. Number of Players: At least 20. Level of Intoxication: Good luck trying to run the bases after this. How To Play - Split up into two teams. - Set up the kegs in a baseball diamond and have each player on one team stand in the typical baseball positions. - Before any player bats they must chug a half cup of beer. - After chugging, the batter tosses up the Wiffle ball himself and tries to hit it. If he can’t hit a fair ball in three tries, he’s out and must drink for five seconds. - If the player hits a single, he must do a five-second keg stand when he gets to first base. - If the player hits a double, he must do a ten-second keg stand when he gets to second base. - If the player hits a triple, he must chug a beer when he gets to third base. - If the player hits a homerun, he must do a fifteen-second keg stand when he gets to home. - If the player gets thrown out or tagged before he makes it to a base, he must chug half a beer, and he is out. - Once three outs have been made, teams switch sides. - The game continues until nine innings have been completed or a team reaches a predetermined score. The Game Ends When: The kegs run dry or the players are as bad as the Cubs. You suck, Darwin Barney!
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What You Need: 2 slices of bread, 4 ounces of pepper jack cheese, crappy pasta sauce, pepperoni, butter. Cook Time: 10 minutes Fatty Factor: If you can convince yourself to eat less than three, you’ll survive to see morning. Let’s Get Baked: -Place a skillet on a burner set to medium. -Butter one side of each slice of bread. -Layer the other side of one piece of bread with pizza sauce and pepperoni. -Shred the pepper jack cheese on the unbuttered side of the other piece of bread. -Place each piece of bread butter side-down onto the warmed skillet. -2-3 minutes later, place the pepperoni side of one slice onto the cheesy side of the other slice of bread. -Flip the sandwich each minute for 3-4 minutes, or until the cheese is melted. Unlike a potent mixture of sugar, carbs, protein and cheese to help you power through your day. Without it, you’d pass out from hunger, and passing out just isn’t the same as willingly taking a nap.
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Blows up (The camera glides in to focus on the crew, all sitting at the NBA on TNT table. Shaquille O’Neal on the far left, then moving right to Ernie Johnson, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and finally Charles Barkley. Ernie shuffles paper and looks up into the camera, while the others glance at each other from the corners of their eyes, giggling and taking sips from their mugs.)
Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to the Sprint Halftime Report. I’m Ernie Johnson and with me as always are Shaq, Kenny, and Charles. So if you were watching last week, and we know you weren’t, Charles was having a little bit of fun at LeBron’s expense, talking about his receding hairline and the fact that the headband had been inching backward through the years. And who knows where it will be-Charles: Come on home. Ernie: And basically you were encouraging him to shave, to come on home... Charles: Come on home, shave your head like every other balding black guy. Kenny Smith: (waving at camera) Ay LeBron this ain’t me. This ain’t me LeBron! Ernie: (laughs uneasily) Well, we decided we couldn’t let that go alone, and so we decided to ma-Shaquille O’Neal: ERNIE YOU OFF THE CHAIN!
The NBA playoffs begin April 18th, and we couldn’t be more excited. Two months of professional playoff basketball? Fantastic. But we’re more excited for two months of the NBA on TNT frat house yukkin’ it up and slapping Charles Barkley’s face on obese ladyfolk. Never in sports history has a studio analyst crew gotten away with 30 seconds of analyzing, followed by 20 minutes of grab-assery. However, their hijinks came to a screeching halt one night, while broadcasting a relatively meaningless Hawks-Nets game. TNT pulled the broadcast from the air, but The Black Sheep DVR’d it, and recorded it on paper for you to witness. By: Quinn
Charles Barkley: If he keep denying his hairline is receding it’d be like a dead terrorist denying he ain’t in heaven. Shaq: (pulls tie up in the air to resemble a noose) OOOOOOO! Ernie: (snarkily) Even though we’re in the south I don’t think any racists will be hanging you any time soon, Shaq. Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (stares angrily at Ernie) Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Ernie: (worryingly looks off-screen at the producer) Kenny: (walking off the set) Yo Ern, let’s talk about basketball. Let’s talk about basketball. Shaq: Look when I drink water like this (takes long drink of water, bulges his eyes at Ernie) it mean that water too hot! Charles: If LeBron’s headband keep moving back further and further, and eventuallyKenny: Not me LeBron! I got no part in this! Charles: Eventually that headband gunna pull his eyes back and he’ll look Asian. Like he got a Mandarin hat on, practicin’ tai chi instead of basketball.
Ernie: Guys, hold on, let’s take it down a notch... Shaq: What Ern, you gonna lynch me? Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (off stage) The fuck Ernie? Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (runs back in impersonating a “jet” with a Jeremy Lin jersey on) Rook at me! I’rm ReBron James! I have tiny penis!
(A photoshopped picture of Charles Barkley and Asian-looking LeBron James kissing in a dojo appears on the screen.) Ernie: (his bowtie spinning) Can we go to commercial! I don’t know what the hell is going on!? Shaq: YO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STOP THE HEAT IS TO DROP CHARLES AKA A “FAT MAN” MIAMI LOL. (Kenny is off camera, but his mic broadcasts him taking “heavy polls” of Cognac in the green room) Shaq: (putting papers on his head) REBRON JAMES! (Sound guy plays stereotypical Asian chimes)
(A picture of Charles Barkley-looking atomic bomb dropping over Miami appears on screen. The room falls silent. All the panelists look shocked, except Shaq, who is spinning in his chair) Ernie: ... Ok, well, with that we will bring you back to the action. Hawks lead the Nets 51-43.
we interview: a colorado budtender Now that recreational use and sale of marijuana is legal in Colorado, weed dispensaries have been popping up everywhere. All you need to legally grow and sell weed is a measly little piece of paper from the government, it’s that easy! We sat down with one such self made man, “BlaisOne,” who went from regular old, cereal-eatin’, Netflix watchin’, maybe occasionally illegally weed growin’ stoner, to a savvy, suit-wearing, legally growing and selling weed business man. By Quinn The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in this business? What were the stages from having the idea to sitting in the store and making a living? “BlaiseOne” the Budtender: I’ve been close to the business my whole life. I started growing around 13. With the medical legalities popping up I came to Denver about three years ago, and started working for local dispensaries. I can’t say there was much transition from seeing the doors open to where I am now. I guess as of now most of us are kind of in limbo, just waiting for recreational to take over. It will take the ceiling off all our businesses and allow us to operate like everyone else. TBS: If you own the business, do you recruit new workers? And what do you look for in an applicant? BlaiseOne: I don’t own it. Don’t really want to yet either. We hire from within, either good friends or quality patients. We look for a true enthusiasm in the industry, as long as you have the ability to learn and as long as you’re enthusiastic about it. TBS: What’s the most-untrue stereotype of a budtender? BlaiseOne: Contrary to what most people think, most of the time we are not medicated when at work. TBS: In light of recent marijuana legalization in other states, do you think it will take long for the rest of the country to follow suit? What is your opinion on current legalization laws? BlaiseOne: I think it will be many years before the federal government overturns this one. There’s too much money in the pharmaceutical companies. Plain and simple. Oh, and god forbid we make some gasoline out of hemp... Fuck our government. TBS: Does your business cook the edibles in house, or do you buy them from a bakery? And how does a marijuana bakery start up? BlaiseOne: To start up you have to have a MIP (Marijuana Infused Product) License. And a certified health inspected kitchen. We used to make our own (and they were ridiculous) but started outsourcing after they made the kitchen law. We didn’t have the means to open a real kitchen for it, so we sold the license. TBS: Do you sell the marijuana directly to customers? If so, have you ever refused to sell to someone? BlaiseOne: I personally do not – I only grow. But we refuse sale to anyone we think is reselling. TBS: Do you get any "employee benefits"? BlaiseOne: Well let’s just say everything from seed to sale is on 24hr cameras monitored by the state, so not in the way you’re thinking. And technically you cant have/give for free. So let’s just say when I purchase anything for myself from the storefront it usually only costs a penny. TBS: Are you worried about the DEA/FBI because Marijuana is illegal under federal law? How does that legal grey area work? BlaiseOne: I am not. We are currently within our legal number of plants within the state of Colorado, and are compliant on everything we do. I don’t think the feds have any interest in us. TBS: Are there routine inspections of your crop? BlaiseOne: No. TBS: What do you net from an average plant? What are the expenses you have to take care of? BlaiseOne: Average plant nets 6 oz. worth about $1200. We currently pay out about 50,000 a month in expenses. Rent, payroll, electric, soil, nutrients, bug spray, etc. TBS: How does the marijuana community decide on names for new strains? Is there any sort of advisory board or do people just smoke it and come up with something? BlaiseOne: There is an actual Swiss seed bank, and to get a phenotype listed and named you have to provide something like 500 stable seeds and some other stuff. But I doubt anyone does that. Some of the older strains have made a good name for themselves, and the newer names are usually growers crossing strains and making up new names. TBS: Funniest/weirdest name of a product? BlaiseOne: Earwax. TBS: How does the cost of legal marijuana compare to buying it illegally? BlaiseOne: Depends on your state, but equal or cheaper. TBS: Have you ever had a problem with people trying to break onto your property and steal your crops? BlaiseOne: Our dumpster gets broken into once a month. Which is silly, like we would throw the good stuff away... Other than that everything has been cool. TBS: What's the worst part, and the best part, of your day to day workings? BlaiseOne: Worst part is moving thousands of pounds of soil up to the second floor, then back down when it’s used. Growing dope shouldn’t have to be this physical. TBS: Do you have a getting high "routine"? BlaiseOne: I only vape now. O-Pen Vape is the way of the future. If you’re still smoking weed you need to get with the times. TBS: What's your perfect sandwich? BlaiseOne: Cheeseburger with a fried egg and French fries on it. Bam!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
The Lords of Salem Opening April 19th
The residents of a creepy apartment complex in Salem, Massachusetts are visited by a 300-year-old coven of witches. The dreadedblonde who is certain her neighbor's apartment is haunted might just be tweaking, but you can't deny the negative vibes she feels coming from Apartment 5. Written and directed by Rob Zombie, this film will at least give us the willies.
Pain & Gain Opening April 19th
A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Really, when do any of those things go right? Based on a true story, Pain & Gain stars Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne "Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking?" Johnson, as well as some cute comedic relief from Rob Corddry and Rebel Wilson.
Phoenix - Bankrupt! Out April 23rd
This French alternative rock band that scored mainstream recognition with their hit 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, are back with their fifth studio album. Fans of their past work might be taken aback by the sounds of Bankrupt!, which the band says is something more experimental than before. Check out their first single "Entertainment" (which still sounds pretty poppy to us).
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the madlib: a frolfing adventure What started out as a ___1___ ___2___ quickly turned into the weirdest day since Saturday at ___3___, when Jonah took all that/those ___4___ and found some girl in ___5___ furry boots to give him a ___6___ massage and then rode her around like a ___7___ until the sun came up. Anyway, Jonah and I went out frolfing at noon with a 6-pack of ___8___ and a bit of ___9___, I had my iPod blasting some ___10___ and we were having the time of our lives. We got to hole nine, but it wasn’t the same hole nine we’ve played since we were freshman. We squinted our already squinty eyes and saw a ___11___ wearing a ___12___and holding a glass of ___13___, gesturing for us to come closer. When we froze, he started coming closer. “Hi there,” the creature cackled, not unlike that fat chick from ___14___ who’s legit stalking me. “Why don’t we jump into my… tunnel?” Suddenly a tunnel full of ___15___-smoke and ___16___-colored confetti appeared.
“A tunnel? That’s the best you could think of?” said Jonah, that ___17___. The creature was suddenly sitting on our shoulders between us. He handed us his drink, and we drank. The next thing we knew, we were dancing to ___18___ and grinding on girls wearing ___19___, but they were so sexy. We were smiling like ___20___ was giving us ___21___ and dancing our asses off. When we came to, Jonah was poking me on the shoulder and I stopped dancing for the first time in who knows how long. We were on hole nine, with a rather large crowd of ___22___ watching. “Dude, what the hell just happened! I think that weird thing slipped us some ___23___ and we just tripped out for hours!” “Bunch of ___24___, it’s only 12:30!” someone shouted, as we stepped aside to let everyone play and to drink some of our beer. “We’re going to have to get some more of that ___25___,” said Jonah, and we cheersed.
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