The Black Sheep
FR E on E... th like e s th tree e c t t ouc his he tim s y e o ou f y fin ea d r.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @UKBlackSheep
Volume 1, Issue 14 • 4/18/13 - 4/24/13
A Breath of Fresh Air? AN Open Letter to Campus Faculty uk staff wrote this Dear Professor Whoever, Aren't you just about sick of looking at that linoleum tile in Whitehall? Or how about having to fiddle with that damn projector that you just can’t seem to figure out? As devoted, hardworking students we care for your health, and we can see that wasting away in these concrete asbestos traps is starting to take its toll on you. All we want is for you to feel the warmth of the sun on your wrinkly, beautiful face and breathe fresh air with those withered little lungs of yours. We have your best interests at heart, honest. But to do this, you might need to spend a little more time outside… and that could be a bit of a problem with that strict teaching-classindoors policy you’ve got going on. It almost seems like the only way around this dilemma might be to start holding classes outside in this beautiful, holy-mother-of-god-is-this-Kentucky? weather. Obviously, this unorthodox approach would be intended purely for our academic benefit, and in no way would it signal a relaxed prelude to our imminent summer vacation. This outdoor-class concept might be a bit of a sacrifice for us students, but we’re more than ready to make it, if only for your sake. Just imagine, it’ll push your teaching to new heights as you use blades of grass to demonstrate complex chemical formulas, or point to the nesting sparrows to illustrate the power of rational economic decision making. Regardless, you’re sure to have, maybe for the first time, the enthusiastic and engaged attention of your entire class as you ramble on about science… err, this is a science course, right? There are boobs over there that we can’t stop looking at. And then right there in the midst of that super-important lecture, ask yourself -- can you feel that warm breeze on your face? Can you hear those birds softly chirping? Can you see how good your tan skin will look? Frankly, you look handsome. You'll see your health significantly improve. And more importantly, students will be flocking to audit your course after overhearing your wonderful lecture on the biology of… um, trees and stuff. Are they seriously sun bathing over there? It’s April! THIS IS THE BEST CLASS OF OUR LIVES. Not to mention the incredible praise your end-of-the-year reviews will bring after students start raving about your innovative and groundbreaking “teaching-class-outside-sometimes” method. And naturally, your classes will be on display for all the touring high
Keeneland College Day
school seniors looking for their perfect college. Can you imagine that lucky applicant watching your class being taught? Averageranked public safety school? Psh, not anymore, thanks to you! Welcome to the University of Kentucky, the new fucking Princeton. Freshmen will no doubt clamor for the chance to study under your revolutionary guidance. And when those students turn out to be valedictorian successes, after they cure cancer but before they solve world peace, they’ll personally stand up and thank you at the podium for the transforming influence you’ve had over their career. That’s when you’ll know you’ve made the right decision.
what'’s inside
So here it is, sir. Your shining moment has arrived to lead your students through example. Have your class outside. Your students will thank you for the change, President Capilouto will thank you for your creativity, and your health will thank you for sparing it one more day in that stuffy allergen-incubator. So just get out there and enjoy the fresh air! Screw White Hall. Sincerely, Students Everywhere
Welcome to…Big Red Nation?
Bartender of the Week
IT's Decadent and Depraved! when else do you drink mint juleps?
Good sportsmanship is fine. Outright treason is unacceptable.
Arcadium’s Hampton recounts bad tipping and heinous pursetheft.
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