Kentucky - Issue 15 - 4/25/2013

The Black Sheep's

Fun and games issue

keep up all summer @UKBlackSheep

contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 4: Finals Week: A Look at Nature, Humanity and Your Dumbass Life Choices

page 4

How we view this terrible week.

page 4: from the streets What are your craziest summer plans?

page 5: The Top 10: Ways to Leave Your Mark on Campus Make these your bucket list and exit with a bang!

Table of

page 5: A Farewell to Lexington The many things you'll miss about campus over the summer

page 10: The quiz Which Famous UK Alum Are You

page 11: Are you Smarter Than? Drew Teague, Famous RA two correct answers and you could have bragging rights.

page 11

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p e e h S k The Blaicle App Mob

IALS BAR SPEC

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GAMES

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Sexy Anagrams

After being banned from throwing racially insensitive parties, Kappa Omega started throwing socially insensitive parites.

(Want to become famous next week?)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Lactate Chess Own

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Hammer Into Worts last week’s answers

Jordana Brewster & Daniel Radcliffe

Boysterous:

An open proclamation of sexual joy by a female who just got laid.

“Lana boysterously screamed ‘Yeah, just got banged, bitches!’ from the rooftops moments after Rodrigo exited her apartment.”

page 4

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What are your craziest summer plans?

"I'm going to Italy!"

- Mark C., Sophomore

Finals Week: A look at Nature, Humanity

and Your Dumbass Life Choices Shauntionne Mosley wrote this

Ovid’s is packed beyond fire-safety code, you’ve got a presentation due in almost three hours and kids are stealing away naps in corners all across Willy T. Welcome to finals week, Wildcats. For those of you who have finally decided to take college seriously this is probably par for the course. Congratulations, we’re just so thrilled for your emotional maturity.

As for the rest of us slackers, we’re about to collapse from exhaustion. But why? What is it exactly about finals that makes us all want to play in State Street traffic? After countless hours of debate over mad Ale 8s and a large pizza, analysts at The Black Sheep have a few thoughts on just why this shit get to us like this.

For one, it seems like the natural world is deliberately driving us insane. Sounds stupid, right? Hear us out, we’ve dealt with the most bi-polar seasonal changes in the history of all weatherdom. No one ever knew whether or not to put on a hoodie or wear shorts.

But now, all of sudden, the past few days have been beautiful, postcard-worthy gifts from the sun-drenched heavens. We’ve seen people tanning in front of Kirwan Tower, hearing the enchanting flaps of flip-flops, and ladies have been prowling around campus in those bad-ass sundresses. And after enduring seven months of unpredictable crazy, we finally get the luxury of some consistency in our seasonal weather, just in time for finals. Goddamn Kentucky, don’t we deserve to bask in it for a bit?

Of course not, stupid. Instead of going outside and taking in your vitamin D, you’re in your dorm trying to figure out if the title for your psych paper counts towards the 3,500 word requirement.

Your fundamental body chemistry says go outside; your GPA says please, Lord, let us pass with a C+. See where the problems start to occur?

But hell, let’s even say that you overcome your biological urges and force yourself into diligent study. Guess you’re off to the library then, right? Not so fast, kid. Remember, you go to the University of Kentucky, where psychos stab your feet and leave whole plates of food in the restroom stalls. But even if you’re smart enough to throw on your steel-toed boots before stepping foot into Willy T. you’re still only halfway prepared for the warzone. Study space is at a premium and The Hub is a battleground. As soon as you

"Living in California with my aunt!"

- Sydeny D., Sophomore

descend downstairs you snatch out your earphones and turn off whatever you were bopping your head to – all five senses require total clarity when entering this arena. Your eyes dart from cubby to cubby trying to find the perfect place to set up camp- you’re going to be here for a while. Slow, silent, methodical… you hunt like a shark. And then, after walking around in a circle for about seven minutes, you find it: The perfect spot.

But wait… where’s this other punk-ass kid think he’s going? Some pussy with a latte and MacBook Pro is heading toward the spot you’ve just mentally marked… and judging by the size of his backpack he means business. So you, like any logical person, dive over the couch, Spartan kick the janitor who’s in your way, knock over the kid’s latte and frantically toss your backpack into the cubby.

Polite? Hardly. Basic human decency? Not a shred. Legitimate claim laid to precious study-space? OBJECTIVE ACHIEVED. But even after denying your basic natural instincts and casting off every last notion of human sociability, why can’t you seem to finally shake that feeling of dread when settling in to start tackling your finals?

Ah! And there it is, friends, the ultimate shame and frustration.

Even as you lose your humanity, you know there’s not a single thing you can complain about it because, after all, you signed up for this shit. When you turned in your admission papers to this fine institution you asked, nay, yearned (if your admittance essay is to be believed), for everything this campus has been throwing at you. Yes… you have to study. Yes, you have to read passages that you don’t understand. And yes, you have to deal with projects that have nothing to due with your major. This is your college, boo, and if it were supposed to be easy… it’d be free. You asked to be here, dumbass.

Yet it’s in this realization that the Kentucky student can begin to find both solace and hope. Finals week may be here. And you may have devolved into a bitter, sleep-deprived quasi-human. But it’s your lying smart ass got you here in the first place, and your lying smart ass is the only thing that’ll help pull you out now.

"I’ll be working a lot, but I'm sure craziness will find me!"

- Olivia K., Junior

The

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Top 10

page 7

Ways to Leave Your Mark on Campus

So this semester’s just about donezo and aside from the D+ average and chronic liver damage you’ve sustained, you don’t have all that much to show for it.

Time to change that. You’ve only got a few more days to prove that you actually did something with yourself this spring, so get out there and get busy trooper! Not quite sure just how to leave your mark here on UK’s campus?

Let The Black Sheep offer some suggestions…

A Farewell to Lexington Mary Venutowrote this As spring semester begins to die down, so does the hustle and bustle in Lexington. Rush hour traffic becomes tolerable and parking near campus is now a possibility. Everyone is transitioning from the “So-busy-I-can’t-evenwait-three-minutes-for-my-ramen-noodlesto-finish-cooking” lifestyle to the “Maybe-Ishould-put-pants-on-at-some-point-today” kind of living. Students begin to pack up their dorm rooms and fantasize about the summer adventures that await them in their hometowns.

And just around this time students begin to realize that they’ll be away from Lexington for a full three months. The horror! How will they stay in the loop so they won’t be considered obsolete when they return for classes this fall?

This is where we come in. The Black Sheep, your tireless couriers of all things collegiate, are dutifully keeping a news bureau right here in the heart of Lex Vegas to keep you all informed on all the rough-and-tumble action that’s unfolding right as you prepare to leave. Here’s just a sampling of all the summer highlights that you’ll be missing out on: The Haggin Hall Memorial Service: Haggin Hall is scheduled to be torn down as soon as the fresh-more inhabitants move out of the dorm. A memorial service will be held later that evening. Everyone is encouraged to bring candles to the vigil. Each light will serve as a symbol of every person written up for sneaking a girl into the dorm. R.I.P. Dick Dungeon. We’ll never forget the infamous Penis Palace.

Freshman Orientation: You remember those two days out of your summer when you and your family came to Lexington to sit through hours of bullshit presentations that had little to nothing to do with your freshman year at UK? In case you were wondering… those are still a thing. Incoming freshmen from far and wide will be strutting around campus, filled with the vain enthusiasm of a high schooler

just about to break the sacred parental bonds of servitude. But don’t judge them too harshly, soon enough the realities of campus life will leave them broke, jaded, and riddled with herpes.

THATCamp Kentucky: On the first of June, hundreds of people will flock to Willy T for our very own “THATCamp” seminar. What’s the theme you ask? “THATCamp Kentucky doesn’t have a specific theme,” explains the website.

Ah! As far as we can gather, it’s a place where anybody who cares about anything signs up for a free-form, non-structured clusterfuck where everybody blurts out their random ideas on… anything. And if you think like the rest of us at The Black Sheep, then the possibilities are just endless. Who’s up for a camp-wide round of naked Frisbee golf?

Swing Dance Saturdays: Now, we know what you’re thinking: a designated time for swing dancing? Fuck. Yes. So don’t pack away your dancing shoes for summer, the UK Swing Dance Club is hosting weekends exclusively dedicated to the art of swing dancing! For students who yearn for the days of jazz and segregation the entry fee is only three dollars.

Which is great news, because swing dancing does get pricey after awhile. For those of you who don’t know what a swing dancing event would entail, it’s exactly like any twerk fest.

Just a lot more vanilla.

Nothing: Admittedly, Lexington just isn’t as popping during the summer like it is during the school year. The frat parties are gone, the campus dies and Two Keys stands just as empty as Willy T. on a Thirsty Thursday.

If you’ve got somewhere better to be during these long, hot next few months count yourself as lucky to have escaped the unforgiving Lex Vegas doldrums. For those of you condemned to a full-year lease, start chumming-up to your Speedway attendants. The only action happening here for the next few months is the arm’s-length grab between your lawn chair and your 40oz.

10.) Be the best drinker you can be: Years from now while your sipping mimosas next to your pool you’ll still remember that wild kid who could drink a whole handle the night before and still be ready to tailgate the next day. Achieve you iron-liver immortality now, nobody has to see you when you check into the Betty Ford clinic five years later.

9.) Get in The Kernel: Getting quoted in the campus paper is a curiously fun hobby and stupidly easy. How to do it? Just show up at a campus event and stand around with a vacant stare. For extra points, try and get in a cover photo. Pro-tip: find the next Students Against Sweatshops demonstration and yell shame! as loud as you can.

8.) Talk to your professors: We might spend a good chunk of our time trying to wriggle ourselves out of our schoolwork, but when it comes down to it you’re presumably here because at one time or another you were actually interested in doing something other than getting hammed at Two Keys every night. Restore your professor’s faith in humanity by hitting up his office hours and having a little chat. You’ll both leave hating your lives a little less.

7.) Spend a day manic-preaching in the free-speech zone: Frankly, our monthly campus preacher confrontations with Brother Rick have become rather dull. Rick rails against the dangers of homosexuality and the rest of the student body all pulls together to preach love, not hate. Uplifting stuff… but it’s an old hat. Instead, why not make a name for yourself by preaching the gay hate-gospel? Behold thou sinners, live in fear! You ain’t saved if you ain’t queer!

6.) Catch the infamous Foot Stabber: How in the hell has this creep eluded us for this long?

Can you imagine successfully sneaking away from a crime scene when you’re a grown-ass man on all fours clutching a bloody screwdriver in a crowded library? Solve this mystery and expect a gold-plated lifetime campus party pass to be awarded to you by President Capilouto himself.

5.) Snag your 15 minutes of fame at a UK basketball game: Here’s your chance to be that unique one-in-a-million; create a catchy enough sign to flash around for the pun-hungry masses and you’ll be an instant sensation. Alternately, you can rework the Kate_on_State formula and flash some other things around to secure a guaranteed footnote in UK athletics history.

The choice is yours.

4.) Be the hottest mess ever seen: For years you’ve carefully kept your party life and your academic life studiously separate. Stop living the lie: next time you have a rough night out on the town, just stumble into your philosophy class reeking of vodka and bummed cigarettes.

There’s no shame in being who you truly are. Conversely, next time a cop has you in handcuffs just explain that all reality is merely subjective and in your world public intoxication isn’t a crime at all.

3.) Get a job on Kentucky’s campus: Yeah, work sucks, but it pays to see what life’s like for the hundreds of minimum-wage employees who cater your drunken Ovid’s visit and clean up your vomit. You may not really be leaving your mark on campus, but campus will undoubtedly leave its mark on you. And leaving campus a little less of a douche is certainly worth something… isn’t it?

2.) Win NCAA tournament next year/initiate apocalypse: The entire nation pooh-poohed us when we got a little out of hand last year, scolding us for our couch burning and car flipping.

Boo hoo. The poor Lexington riot squad sits around for months until that one magic week when UK dominates the NCAA bracket. Let’s give the Lexington police the respect they deserve next time around and come out ready for end-of-times fire-and-brimstone destruction.

After we win our 9th championship, there will no longer be a Lexington.

1.) Become a member of The Black Sheep: Obviously. The staff is awesome, the rules are lax and The Kernel is only interesting about half of the time. Plus, we’re not saying you get free booze and literary groupies… but we’re sort of implying that.

Neal Querio wrote this

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 11

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are you smarter than?

Drew Teague, Famous RA

1) Technology: Who is the largest cell phone service provider in the United States? __________________________________________________

6) Slogans: What car company trumps themselves as the "Ultimate Driving Machines"? __________________________________________________

2) The Wild: The black mamba is the most poisonous what in the world? __________________________________________________

7) Famous Speeches: Which President of the United States issued a warning against the rise of the militaryindustrial complex in his farewell address? __________________________________________________

3) History: Bushido was a way of life practiced by these romanticized warriors of days past. __________________________________________________ 4) Comedy: Famously, where does SNL character Matt Foley live? __________________________________________________ 5) Sports: In 2012 R.A. Dickey won what prestigious award? __________________________________________________

9) Current Events: The bombs used in the recent Boston Marathon bombings were housed in what? __________________________________________________ 10) TV: What much-loved TV show sparked rumors of a comeback ten years after going off the air? __________________________________________________

1) Verizon 2) Snake 3) Samurai 4) In a van down by the river 5) Cy Young/NL Cy Young 6) BMW 7) Dwight D. Eisenhower 8) Friedrich Engels 9) Pressure cookers 10) Friends

correct answers

8) Politics: Who co-authored 1848's The Communist Manifesto with Karl Marx? __________________________________________________

Drew's answers 1) AT&T 2) Turkey 3) Romans 4) Taco Bell 5) Nobel Prize 6) Hummer

7) Roosevelt 8) Hitler?.... hahahah jk 9) Crock Pots in backpacks 10) Friends

Drew's score: 1/10 correct

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page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

the Quiz

Which Famous UK Alum Are You? By: Shelby Bevins

1) Can people understand what you say, usually? a) Mortals are astonished by my eloquence. b) I talk too fast for them to catch anything. c) Quar di nos castinum pe?

6) I bet you’re the kind that likes blumpkins, aren’t you? a) Ewwww! b) Goddamn, I wish I was getting one right now. c) Never had one, but it sounds delightful. What is it?

2) Do you see yourself winning any prestigious awards any time soon? a) Does winning a Japanese hot-dog eating contest count? b) Well, I do consider my work revolutionary. c) I’m not chasing awards for fulfilment.

7) Greatest regret? a) Doing your mom. ZING! b) Totsphemy… I spilled all my tater tots on the cafeteria floor while drunk. c) Not killing my moronic assistant – oh the incompetence of common men!

3) Favorite liquor? a) Someone else’s liquor, duh. Let’s raid the freezer! b) Booze is booze. As long as you get schlotzed. c) A fine Merlot, aged 12 years.

4) What do you wipe your ass with? a) Comic books and polka sheet music, if I can find it. b) My assistant’s lab coat. It’s quite sumptuous to the posterior. c) Uh, toilet paper? This isn’t Paducah.

5) Do cats bother you? a) I adore my Duchess. She makes the finest subject. b) Meh, I prefer dogs. Or ducks. c) If I can’t gamble on ‘em, I don’t need ‘em.

8) If you had a superpower, what would it be? a) Bringing creations to life by drawing. b) Transmutation or possibly telepathy. My mind is powerful, you know. c) Ability to drink mass quantities of beer without blowing over the limit.

9) Your professor has assigned a 25-page report on moss and lichen growth pattern in the Southeastern United States. What do you do? a) Drink myself into a stupor and pray it was only a nightmare. b) Oh joy! Challenge accepted – fetch me the Adderall! c) Bribe the nearest nerd with all the money in my wallet.

10) Plans this Friday night? a) A quaint dinner with my mother. b) Psh losers, I’m getting laid. c) Getting wasted and puking all over my apartment.

answers answers answers answers answers

10-14 points: You are Larry Kelley: Former Lee and Ballard County attorney who was disbarred and imprisoned for stealing the identity of his deceased clients to open spurious store accounts with luxury shopping malls. Way to go, scumbag. But don’t worry, this is Kentucky, and after your felony you can always just ask Governor Beshear for another lucrative government appointment (Editor’s note: this totally happened in 2009). Con artistry is in your future, party animal! Go practice on Grandma.

15-20 points: You are Don Rosa: Cartoonist for Disney and creator of The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck. He won an Eisner Award, not to mention a generation of admirers, for the project. Which we guess makes you pretty alright. Of course, we’re all still wondering why you gave up your short-lived Captain Kentucky superhero comic, don’t we deserve someone with superpowers to help protect us from the Larry Kelleys around here?

21-30 points: You are Thomas Hunt Morgan: Nobel Prize-winning geneticist. Thank god for someone like you, without you and your big brain everybody else might think that we here at Kentucky are just a bunch of tobacco-smoking, bourbonswigging, Bible-thumping rednecks. But that shows you, world! We’ve actually produced… a real-life scientist! Sure, we’ve just opened a multi-million dollar museum for the study of creationism… but we’re getting a little closer every century.

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passing the bar

page 11

If you're too cool for Burnett's or stopped shooting Smirnoff months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank liquor labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.

THE page 12

THE RIDDLE

theblacksheeponline.com

Do you know what's going on here?! Email us the question the riddle is asking plus the answer to said question, to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com.

If you're right, you'll win something sweet!

summer music FESTIVAL MATRIX

want to hit up some sick festies this year, man? can't decide which ones you want to spend your parents' money on? chill out, we've got a matrix to help narrow down some of the options for you.

page 14

theblacksheeponline.com

The seek n find: ultimate frisbee

the madlib

One Last Trip

So before leaving campus me and my buddy decided to end the semester with a real bang. We totally wanted to get ______(1) once more before leaving, so we bonged a few _______(2) before going out. We were almost out the door before that _____(3) of an RA caught us and asked us what the hell we were doing.

My mate explained that his _____ (4) back in _______(5) had just died and we needed to go take care of matters.

Anyway, that _______(6) ______(7) totally fell for it, and we started to make our way towards _______’s (8) place. My bud knew him from this lame ______ (9) class last semester, and we didn’t know if he was cool or not. But holy ______ (10) were we in for a surprise.

He answered the door dressed in a _______ (11) ________ (12), clutching a bloody ______ (13) and laughing.

Following my friend’s lead I sat down on what must have been a stuffed _______ (14). This kid smiled at us with a ______(15) grin and offered us a drink, after killing those brews we were dying for one. So we naturally took a bit of his “homemade” _______ (16). That’s where we went wrong.

Before long I felt totally ________(17) and I turned to my friend, but he wasn’t there. Instead this ______(18) _______(19) was just standing next to me, poking me with a ______(20) and licking its lips. I tried to swat it away, but it just puffed up its _______(21) and started to ________(22) at me. We were tripping our ________ (23) off for sure, bro! I jumped up and tried to leave, but everything just blacked out for me.

When I woke up I was in the backseat of my parents' _______ (24), screaming something about keeping the ________(25) off of my _______(26) and demanding that I speak to _______(27). Of course I was the lucky one. My buddy was picked up days later in _______(28), holding a ______(29) and threatening to blow up ________(30). Poor kid. Can’t wait till next semester, man!

Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith

campus director Quinn Myers

Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas, Tyler Flatt

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley, Shelby Bevins Jordan Johnson, Neal Querio distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon Social media manager Olivia McCoy

Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608.712.0900

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

1: Trippy adjective 2: Shitty beer 3: Genocidal dictator 4: Animal 5: U.S. city 6: Derogatory adjective 7: Derogatory noun 8: Name 9: Pointless major 10: Eastern deity 11: Color 12: Woman’s garment 13: Cooking utensil 14: Exotic animal 15: Famous serial killer 16: Generic drink 17: Adjective 18: Adjective 19: Noun 20: Farm tool 21: Body part 22: Verb 23: Another body part (plural) 24: Shitty car 25: Animal 26: Personal item 27: Former President 28: Another U.S. city 29: Samurai weapon 30: Historic landmark

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the crossword: Studying for finals

Across 1) Literature majors' online study buddy 4) Secret Starbucks super-strong coffee 5) Last-second study session 11) Coffee alternative for the weak 12) Hope you've taken notes since day one if you've got one of these exams 13) Don't let one audibly slip in the library 14) They always manage to break right before your paper is due 17) Look at these for last minute cramming 18) Biblioteca, according to Spaniards 19) Where to vent your #studyprobz 20) Coffee shits can be described as such

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DOWN 2) As finals get closer, the price of this goes higher 3) A bubbly test form 6) "Adderall Alternative" by Genetech Pharmaceutical 7) "To ___ perchance to dream" 8) Adderall and meth have this in common 9) The social networking mecca of procrastination 10) It streams hours of procrastination 12) The lifeblood of studying 15) You'll have to borrow these after never going to class 16) Scientific word for "why coffee makes you pee"

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