The Black Sheep
fre hea e...like r ab - w out ait, d mil id y ey c ou yrus guy yet s ?
Vol. 2, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
8/29/13 - 9/4/13
The Black Sheep’s
Fall Future Forecast BY: Mary Venuto You may think this semester will be just like any other. Kentucky football will have yet another winless season, Eli Capilouto will set more unreasonable budget goals, and bike cops will still cruise around State Street thinking they’re a bigger deal than the Harrison twins. What you don’t know is here at The Black Sheep we have our hands on a crystal ball, time machine, and several Rhode Island mediums to help us win bets at Keeneland. After a night of drunkenly confirming how fantastic we all are (we have low self-esteem, okay?), we decided to look into the future so we could give you an idea of what to expect this coming school year. UK football will make it to the championship, but croak at the last second: Yes our crystal ball is real, and no it didn’t break when we spilled Fireball whiskey all over it. It’ll be UK and Vanderbilt in the BCS title game. Everyone will be under the impression that Stoops finally got a squad that has played actual, real-life big boy football. Everything will go spectacularly until the fourth quarter when our players realize they’ve been duped into playing football, not basketball. After several incomplete bounce passes by star quarterback Ryan Harrow, the ball is eventually intercepted and Vanderbilt scores. Vanderbilt then goes on to score on every kick return. The TV camera will pan to UK’s student section, but everyone will have already left to line up outside Rupp Arena. UK will become a “Top 20 School”: Finally UK students won’t have to listen to administrators go on and on about how they want to make UK a top scholarly institution. However, the administrators failed to consider was that no student here wants to study like Stephen Hawking. 80% of the student body will drop out right after basketball season to which administrators will respond with “Wait, wait, just kidding!” Everyone’s tuition money is then spent on a huge party in Commonwealth Stadium and hiring the least qualified “professors” found on Craigslist. You will lose all your money at Keeneland: On opening day you’ll be on fire. So unbelievably hot, in fact, that you’ll have correctly guessed every winning horse that day. At the last race you’ll put all the money in your checking account down on a horse named Mr. Bagels, because you figure you’re Nostradamus reincarnate. Mr. Bagels runs the opposite direction when the gates flood open. Your friends laugh at your pain as you move back in with your parent and ironically start working at Best Bagel. Christian Laettner will apologize for being such a douche nozzle
back in ‘92: We know you’re familiar with Laettner’s douchedom. If not then drop out of UK this instant. During March Madness Big Blue Nation is forced to watch him step on Aminu Timberlake and hit that damn buzzer beater over and over again. Laettner will go onto ESPN and say “I was such a doucher back in ’92. I mean, I shouldn’t have stepped on Timberlake. That was so classless. And that game winning shot, well, you don’t want to know what deals with the Devil I made to hit that.” Wildcat fans that have fallen will finally be able to rest in peace. Kentucky and Louisville will settle their rivalry, gladiator style: The battle for alpha dog, or if you ask us, alpha cat, in college basketball will
page 4
page 5
What it Means To Be “That Guy”
The Top Ten Items They Don’t Tell You to Pack For UK
Hint: it’s not a good thing!
It’s not your fault, UK is full is of unforeseen nonsense.
get even uglier this season. Both Twitter and Facebook will crash from all of the social media exchanges of shit talking. The only reasonable way anyone will think of to settle this dispute is for the two teams to play to their deaths. The game is neck-and-neck until a second overtime when both teams collapse from exhaustion. Calipari and Pitino start pulling each other’s hair when suddenly… Unfortunately, dear readers, at that point our crystal ball died and no one had any double AA batteries on them. We did get one last vague premonition, however, and that was that this year at UK is going to be one for the ages! Hopefully in a good way! Welcome back Wildcats!
Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com
page 11
Bartender of the Week Kevin of Campus Pub is not impressed by Sarah Jessica Parker.
>> Table of Contents << page 5: The Hollywood of College Basketball >> Just because our players can ball, stay cool; they’re only human. page 6: On the Streets >> If you were a mermaid, would you rather have your top half or bottom half be a fish? page 7: The Fantasy Freshman League >> Assemble your best team and relive the freshmen days! page 11: Recipe for Disaster >> FINALLY, we make a late-night treat with that delicious day-old Jimmy John’s bread.
5 6
pages 12-13: The Least Anticipated Albums of Fall 2013 >> From Jack Johnson to Drake, we look at the albums that we probably won’t look at again. page 15: The Madlib >> Do you make smart decisions the night before meeting your roommate’s parents? Of course you don’t!
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#goodtimes
You remind me of Pokemon. I wanna Pikachu.
I also want to keep you in a giant plastic ball in my basement.
Seriously?
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#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @UKBlackSheep #BadTimesMan
If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
Tweet Us @UKBlackSheep
Lamention
Word
The sad moment the morning after a hard night of drinking in which one person recalls an embarrassing, forgotten memory to another person. “Rebecca’s lamention of Sandra’s dance floor pee party caused Sandra to lock herself in her room for the rest of Sunday night.”
of the
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @UKBLackSheep First right answer wins a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
A duo of divas, likely to release “Justify My Love to Love You Baby.” Check back next week for this week’s answer!
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Is it time for
By: Shauntionne Mosley
school yet? Many of you decided to return back to the nest for a summer of parents and siblings, and by now we’re sure you’re reflecting on the huge mistake you made. You’re ready to trade in your nine-to-five unpaid internship at your uncle’s chain-link fence business for noon-to-three participation-optional classes at a Kentucky campus of beautiful people and an afternoon somewhere that involves scantily-clad opposite-sexers. You deserve it, gorgeous. The best way to come back to lovely Lexington is to ease onto your mattress knowing half the sweat on you isn’t yours. Twisted thoughts like that—equal parts degrading and begrudgingly true — are why we’re excited for classes to start. Sure, we’re here for the continued education brought to us by the best bargain Eli Capilouto could find, and we’re happy to partake in the time-honored Kentucky tradition of drunkenly chanting C-A-T-S, but hearing “Name and room number?” instead of “Where the hell has your stank ass been?” really rings true to a Wildcat. You won’t know until you’re back here if your moment of glory is still the stuff of legend at Red Mile, if your puke is still staining Limestone Street, or if you’ll lose a toe to the cunning foot stabber at Willy T. Yes, with a new school year comes new people, new parties, and new memories that you’ll never be able to share at the dinner table, unless that dinner table happens to be covered in cardboard pizza boxes and surrounded by your roommates. That summer spent with the ‘rents proves you’ve earned the right to be drunk by noon every weekend until Thanksgiving. Live the college life D.A.R.E warned you about in middle school; just make sure you don’t do anything stupid enough to get expelled so you can regale your future offspring the tale of that one time you woke up after Thirsty Thursday in front of Whitehall just in time for class. Sure, those post-graduates in their ivy towers look down on us college kids and say our partying ways hold us back from getting a true education, but we need this four-year fall from grace. We may be paying thousands of dollars just to get away from the parental units and their judging eyes, but we’re learning about ourselves, man. After a summer of sitting on our couches at home, the coffee-breathed professors, late night study
The Fantasy
Freshman
League By: Scotty G.
sessions, and under qualified TAs start to sound more and more like a vacation. Ovid’s spicy beef wrap at 1 a.m. is all the home-cooked meal we need. There’s a long list of places we need to apologize to for being gone for so long. Will you still have jiggling talent at all the twerk fests? Will cheesy tots from Tolly-Ho even remember your face? The only way to come reclaim and defend your drunken alter ego is to climb onto that Wildcat statue and belt out “My Old Kentucky Home” in your best Broadway voice. Welcome back fellow Wildcats. Big Blue Nation welcomes you with bourbon and a high five.
There's a brand new crop of freshmen roaming around campus. We see them throughout the day and instinctively reflect back on the time when we were mere freshmen ourselves. Thinking back on it, we remember the good times we had, the times we’ll never forget, and the times we’ll never remember because jungle juice ain’t just Kool Aid. On the whole, our memories of freshman year are positive, but it’s hard to quantify. We can’t go back to do it again, but we can play a meaningless game to mimic what it might be like! Much like the millions of failed athletes who play fantasy football, we too can vicariously live out our pursuit of the perfect college experience through the new freshman class. Here’s how you play Fantasy Freshmen: Gather a group of 10 friends and stand in front of Willy T. and arrange yourselves in alphabetical order. The first freshman to walk by your group is assigned to the first person’s team. Make sure to get his name and phone number (this will be important later). Then, the next freshman to walk by is assigned to the second person’s team and so on, until each person has a roster of 13 freshmen. Each week, you and your team will face off against a friend’s team. Think of your freshmen as Pokémon. You and your friends are Ash, Misty, Brock and whoever-the-hell else came on the show after the original saga. Your job is to use the right Pokémon at the right time. You wouldn’t send a Hitmonchan to fight a Gengar. Use your brain. You will select 9 of your 13 freshies each week for your starting lineup. That’s where the fun starts. You (Ash) and your opponent (Brock) set your lineups by noon each Monday. Ash’s number one freshman faces off against Brock’s number one, Ash’s number two matches up
with Brock’s number two, and so on and so forth. At the end of the week (midnight on Sunday), whichever freshie earned the most points wins his/her match-up. If your team wins five or more of the nine match-ups, you are victorious and improve to 1-0. “But wait, how can my freshman earn points?” you ask, stupidly. By living the best goddamn college life possible. They will rack up points for succeeding and lose points for failing across multiple aspects of life. If your freshmen do any of the following, the corresponding point values will be added to their total: Academic: 5 points: Received an A on a midterm/final -9 points: Received an F on a midterm/final -1 point: Slowly nodded off, then snapped their head back in class Social: 8 points: Got a date to The Catsby 3 points: Played on an intramural sports team 14 points: Played on a club sports team 25 points: Played on Division I sports team 9 points: Received a bid to join a fraternity/ sorority 9 points: Decided not to join a fraternity/sorority -12 points: Actively rushed a fraternity/sorority and didn’t get a bid 20 points: Fake 19-year-old ID passed off as 21-year-old ID -4 points: Puked at rush party -6 points: Puked in class 9 points: Puked and rallied -11 points: Puked and rallied and puked 18 points: Puked and rallied and puked and rallied Sexual: 3 points: Hooked up with a complete stranger
2 points: Hooked up with a friend from high school 9 points: Hooked up with a TA 15 points: Hooked up with a professor -1 points: Hooked up with a janitor Financial: 13 points: Hired as a researcher/TA by your professor 18 points: Hired as a bartender/barback/doorman/bouncer 50 points: Hired as a writer/marketer/distributor for The Black Sheep Street Smarts: -2 points: Got lost on their way to class -4 points: Got lost on their way to the bar -15 points: Got lost on their way home from the bar 6 points: Confidently gave directions to a lost stranger 7 points: Confidently gave incorrect directions to a lost stranger Important side-note: If two freshmen who are facing off happen to hook-up with each other during the week they are playing, both teams are awarded a victory. Unimportant side-note: Going out of your way to encourage these hook-ups to happen might slowly turn you into a moneyless pimp ... or just a great wing-man. We have a hard time distinguishing the difference. Check your state’s legislation on the legality of prostitution regardless. And there you have it! Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? The whole money-wagering part is up to you to decide; we already did the hard work for you. Just hope you don’t get any total dweebs.
Lexington The Hollywood
of College Basketball
The
Top
Ten
Items They Don’t Tell You to Pack for UK By: C Weaver
You can go just about anywhere to find a list of recommended items to bring for your first days of college, but only The Black Sheep gives you the inside scoop on what you really need to survive at the University of Kentucky. These things aren’t included in any pamphlet and no one really warns you that you might need them. Of course you’ll still need your sheets, computer, and security blanket, but these ten items might just mean the difference between an awesome first year and pissing your pants while running back home to mom. 10.) Pepto-Bismol: Now that the infamous K Lair has been torn down and forgotten, you’ll spend a lot of time eating at Ovid’s — their notorious chipotle spicy beef wrap looks the same going in as it does coming out. Trust us, we’ve got pictures. 9.) Steel Toed Boots: In case you haven’t heard, there’s a foot stabbing fool at UK, so you’re going to need some steel toed boots when pulling all nighters at Willy T. Don’t think it won’t happen to you; we’re sure Kennedy’s has special Wildcat themed boots for those of you who want to be trend setters. 8.) A Compass: You might be thinking “Why can’t I just use the GPS on my phone?” To which we say, good luck using GPS to get around all the non-parallel roads, random fountains, never-ending construction, random thickets of forest, and foot stabbers. You just need to move those legs north or south, and pray to Coach Cal you get to where you need to be. 7.) Type n Walk: You’ll need this app that allows you to see where you are walking across Rose Street while texting the cute classmate who totally wants to see you naked. At the very least it ‘ll help you navigate up those awkwardly spaced stairs in between the Student Center and the bottom of P.O.T. 6.) Big Boy Sheets: Bringing a potential Two Keys Slam Piece (TKSP) to a room housing a teddy bear, binky, and Star Wars sheets is not going to add fire to the TKSP’s drunken passion. Grow up and have your mom take you to Bed, Bath & Beyond for some Wildcat sheets to match your pajamas.
By: Cody Decker Whether you are just a casual fan or you’re still trying to drink away the memory of last year’s season, you can’t help but get excited when classes begin again and the scent of a promising season is wafting your way. And no, we’re not referring to football season. In Kentucky, we all know that basketball is the one sport to rule them all. Fans sit in dark caverns and whisper “My precious…” whenever they get a ticket for the next game at Rupp Arena. However, if there’s one thing all you incoming Wildcats need to know, it’s how to play it cool around some of the nation’s biggest stars. Some fans swarm like flies to horse shit to their favorite players and awkwardly ask them to sign their sister’s boobs, while others will make sustained, long distance eye contact without moving a muscle, like when a hunter and a deer just stare at each other in the woods. Both of these responses are perfectly acceptable and expected from typical basketball fans. Kentucky students, however, are known for our “calm” attitude around our bballers. “Oh, hey, it’s Archie. I’ll just keep typing this text, a text that definitely isn’t to all my friends about seeing him and what color sandals he has on today.” You never know when you’re going to see a player casually out and about — you could be busting your ass to make it to Ovid’s before their nightmarish lunch rush, nonchalantly trying to sneak in a quick Camel Blue before your bullshit lab, or casually enjoying some pudding underneath Coach Cal’s Lexus. No matter where you are, you should always be
prepared to appear unfazed and apathetic to these future superstars. Sure, if you’re an unseasoned freshman your first reaction will more than likely be to shriek like a pre-pubescent girl at a Justin Bieber concert. Something along the lines of, “OHMEGERD Ryan Harrow!” Even at your most disciplined, you may still blurt out the player’s name without even thinking twice. It happens to the best of ‘em and you can still save face by sprinting away. If you’re with a friend and a player hears you, play it off by saying “Geez, man he’s just a regular dude. Be cool” then roll your eyes and give the player a knowing wink. If you’re alone however, avoid eye contact and immediately pretend to be balls deep in one of the most interesting text message conversations you’ve never been a part of. We as Wildcat fans are one of the reasons players love to come and play for UK, maybe even moreso than Coach Cal and the bona fide national TV spotlight. Lexington is like the Hollywood of college basketball. If you stalk, obsess, linger, and throw yourselves at the players, just be sure to keep your pinkies up. We don’t want to be seen as desperate jersey chasers, both sexually and non-sexually. (We’ve all daydreamed what it would be like to be BFFs with Jon Hood.) Keep your cool out there folks and if you see one of the Harrison twins, giggle and say that you can never tell which one is which. They’ve probably never heard it before.
5.) Baseball Bat: If you park at K Lot, you’ll need to bring a baseball bat, nunchucks or any handheld (but super fun) weapon. Day after day, swarms of zombie-like creatures gather to get on the Greg Page bus. If you’re running late, well, good luck in your fight, comrade. 4.) Extra Underwear: You’ll need some extra underwear when you shit yourself at your first game in Rupp Arena. The fans, atmosphere, and number one recruiting class in college basketball will be too much for your little freshman bowels to handle. No judgment, we’ve all been there. 3.) A Shitty Couch: During basketball season, shitty couches are treated as a medium of exchange. Couches are priceless during March Madness since everyone is itching to burn something and start a riot. Be the kid that everyone wants to butter up and get yourself one or two nasty couches you’re willing to part with for some Natty Light and basketball tickets.
2.) Sunglasses: They’ll hide hungover/stoned eyes, no one will be able to see you’re scared, lost, or freshman-faced, and you can sleep your way through syllabus day with no one batting an eye. And for that one day out of the year when it doesn’t rain in Lexington, your eyes be protected from that satanic ball of fire known as the sun. 1.) Your Favorite Louisville Cardinals T-Shirt: What’s wrong with you? You shouldn’t own any Louisville memorabilia. Shit, you’re never going to make it here at UK. Go home, you’re drunk.
05
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you were a mermaid, would you rather have your top half or bottom half be a fish? ior Sammy, Jun
“I’d want the bottom half to be fish, because obviously this bad bitch wants a face!”
m o re J o h n , So p h o
“I’d want my bottom as a fish, ‘cuz what am I gonna do with a fish head?!”
Alexandria,
Senior
“My bottom, I could be just like The Little Mermaid!”
06
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Happy Hour Mon-Sat 2-7PM!
THURSDAY: #collegenight $1 drafts, $2 wells, $3 Jell-O shots, $4 bombs No Cover with Student ID Live DJ & Live Bands
TUES, 9/3
Bluegrass Wednesdays! FREE COVER, LIVE BLUEGRASS @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball Shots!
WED, 9/4
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read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
What it means to be "that guy" By: Brian Barsotti
During your first week back at school you’ll probably notice at least one eccentric fellow in your new classes. He’ll have a number of bizarre personal traits that make him stand out from the crowd right away. It may be his Ren & Stimpy backpack, he may eat grapefruit in the front row each day, or maybe he preaches about eternal damnation. Well, that guy fits a certain archetype that is known as “That Guy.” That Guy is weird, and not in the mild “my friends and I can be so weird sometimes” sense. No, That Guy is more than that: he’s way out in left field. That Guy is the kind of guy who uses duct tape to repair rips in clothing. He’s like Cosmo Kramer, except less racist. And there are quite a few of ‘em roaming the world, so if you happen to run into a “That Guy,” here’s roughly what you should expect: That Guy looks over the fire escape map of each building he steps foot in. It’s sort of a hobby of his.
That Guy flosses his teeth every day. That Guy reads instruction manuals before starting projects, so that he knows exactly what he’s doing beforehand. He’s also not afraid to ask for directions when lost on campus. That Guy spends much of his spare time attempting to make new inventions, despite having no formal background in engineering. That Guy has memorized the list of all the people who've ever served on the University of Kentucky Student Senate. That Guy refuses to have sex with a woman, no matter how beautiful she is, unless she’s seen every episode of Twin Peaks. And even then, he has strict standards. That Guy goes to Hooters for the wings.
That Guy practices Mario Party by himself.
That Guy thinks the South Quad is, in fact, the best quad on campus. He also enjoys taking exams in Chem. Phys.
That Guy goes to Cosmic Charlies all the time, but just to use its ATM.
That Guy’s most cherished movie is Bio-Dome. He watches it three times a week.
That Guy’s favorite band is Dexys Midnight Runners. Everybody knows Dexys Midnight Runners for their song “Come On Eileen,” but That Guy owns all of the LPs, singles, compilations and bootlegs ever produced from this one-hit wonder. He doesn't even consider "Come On Eileen" to be one of their better songs.
That Guy is a real character, but he’s definitely not the type of character you’d feel comfortable around. He’s more the type of character who warrants a restraining order, although he technically hasn’t done anything wrong yet. Unfortunately, many people are stuck with a “That Guy” in their lives. You could very well have one in a class of yours, or worse yet, as your new roommate. And if that is indeed the case, then maybe it’s best to just deal with it.
That Guy hosts parties, but the only entertainment he provides is Risk and Tiddlywinks. Somehow, though, his parties always turn out to be some of the most popular in Lexington. That Guy has no strong opinions on Justin Bieber. That Guy lost his virginity before receiving his first kiss. Whenever people say that they “know a guy who knows a guy,” they’re referring to That Guy.
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Major: Hospitality and Tourism Management Favorite drink: Tito’s and soda Favorite shot: Tequila Disgusting drink: Beauty and the beast You’ll celebrate Labor Day with what in your right hand?: Bud Light. If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain’s name?: Guff.
Kevin of Campus Pub Drinking Game
for you after you die, what would it be?: A bar. Who is the sexiest Supreme Court Justice? Why?: Ginsburg. No explanation necessary. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: Goat testicles or something. What’s your favorite old-school slang term?: Word to your mother. Which “sexy” celebrity disgusts you?: Sarah Jessica Parker. Good beer or bad wine?: Good beer.
What college-level class are you most qualified to teach?: Bartending 101.
What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in public?: Call a teacher “Mom.”
If you could have something named
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s the shit.
Recipe for disaster
Frat Party Observations
Oven-Baked 50-Cent Pizza
This week you will encounter a phenomenon that primarily happens at the beginning of the school year. There will be hundreds of them, and they will all suck as much as the next one. We’re talking, of course, about frat parties. You will go to them whether you want to or not, and you will smell like expired, Keystone Light-infused sweat for weeks. To cope with the madness, try this game.
Sometimes you really want pizza but can’t justify spending another $10 at Papa John’s for the third time in a week. That’s okay! Here’s a solution: 50-cent Day Old bread from Jimmy John’s and a couple supplies from the kitchen.
What You’ll Need: Beer, a party, and frat bros and sorority sisters to stare at. Number of Players: One (this game is a bit anti-social and creepy.) Level of Intoxication: Varies from house to house. How To Play: - Find a place inside a house where you blend in just enough so some kid wearing an obnoxiously fluorescent “FRAT FRAT FRAT” tank won’t approach you. - Get yourself a couple beers so you don’t have to constantly go over to the tub of pneumoniainducing ice water. Now look. Really look at what is happening at this gathering and drink when: - Someone continues to play beer pong with the ball that has been rolling around the same floor the pledges had to piss all over the night before. - A helpless girl is crying for no apparent reason (there will be four or more). - You spot Sperry Topsiders (if they are a
chalky shade of blue or green, finish your beer). - You witness dancing that would have been illegal 30 years ago. - King “Player” and his “princess for the night” won’t stop sucking face. - A girl in the corner on her phone asks, “Lindsey, where are you? Why did you leave?” - A girl comments on how disgusting the bathrooms are (bonus drinks are encouraged if you politely remind her that she’s in a freaking frat, not her grandparents’ lake house). - When a dude comes up and asks, “Who do you know here?” - That one guy—who clearly practiced flippy cup in his garage all summer by himself— wins the third game in a row.
The Game Ends When: The tub runs dry. Then it’s off to the next house!
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What You’ll Need: An oven, a loaf of Jimmy John’s Day Old Bread, one jar of your favorite pasta sauce, shredded cheese, veggies (onions or peppers), garlic, oregano, and chicken/pepperoni/sausage/all of the above Cook Time: 20 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s not the best… Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. - Slice your loaf of Day Old to your desired length and open it up so it lays flat. - Layer your toppings on the bread like you would on a pizza, starting with the sauce, the cheese and any chopped vegetables. - If you’re adding any meat on top, cook it if necessary (either on the grill or in a skillet). - Put your meat on top of the pizza bread and sprinkle on some garlic and oregano. - Place the pizza on a pan and into the oven for 10-15 minutes or until the cheese is melted and the bread is crispy. You can basically toss anything onto this bad boy and it’s guaranteed to be delicious. Plus, your bank account will love it.
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The Least-Anticipated 2013 has been a fantastic year for music. With great new releases from Youth Lagoon, Chance The Rapper, Vampire Weekend, Pity Sex, Major Lazer and The World is a Beautiful Place & I am no Longer Afraid to Die, you would hope the final third of this year of our lord has something great in store.
Hall of Fame Big Sean - August 27th Big Sean is a hack who pairs a massive ego with miniscule rhymes. Dude raps like he has a mouth full of wind chimes and his best song has a Nicki Minaj verse on it. Big Sean is on that CyHi level on G.O.O.D Music where you just wonder why the hell Ye’ still keeps him on there, but at least CyHi has “Ray-Ban Vision” and his verse on “So Appalled.” Big Sean’s claim to fame is the phrase “ass quake.” Next time someone tells you that the Detroit mixtape is one of the best albums of 2012, break their jaw. Big Sean thinks his verse on “Control” (which won’t even be on the album) was better than Kendrick’s or Jay Electronica’s because Big Sean is the EXACT type of pompous jackass who would read how much praise someone besides him is getting on a song he’s on, jealous about the pub, then he says he’s better. He’s the guy who not only will jump off the bridge if everyone else is doing it, but he’ll jump off the Ambassador Bridge, claim that it was cooler than everyone else who jumped off the Golden Gate, and say that anyone who disagrees is a hater.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
Speaking of taking a plunge, Big Sean needs to find a void to fall in, never to return to plague us with rhymes as lame as “Now we out in Paris, yeah I'm Perriering / White girls politicking, that's that Sarah Palin.” Every day, nursing home geriatrics take shits hotter than the best Big Sean verse out there. This album is going to absolutely suck, yet will go platinum, making it a commercial success but an absolute waste of musical talent surrounding Sean Michael Anderson. Not even production from arguably the hottest producer out right now in Hit-Boy, who created the beat for “Goldie,” “N***s in Paris,” and “Clique,” can save Big Sean from audibly tripping over his own feet trying to pronounce a word with more than two syllables.
From Here to Now to You Jack Johnson - (September 17th) Everyone listening to this album will be too stoned or too stupid to realize that Jack Johnson is the worst. Every single Jack Johnson song sounds the same. That sentiment gets used often in music, but never has it been quite so apt. Seriously, go put on Jack Johnson Radio on Pandora or something and try to figure out when one song ends and another begins. We’ll wait. Oh you fell asleep already? Sorry about that. We need another Jack Johnson album like we need another Olive Garden. The parallells between the two are eerie. There are already plenty, and they're all perfectly mediocre and should never be utilized by sentient beings, yet there’ll always be someone convinced to go back for the breadsticks. Or something like that. The next album has just about zero chance to be any different. If Jack Johnson suddenly becomes something other than generic shitty stoner guitar music, it would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, letting in massive terrifying, spliffed monsters that would demand all of our couches and all of our Cheetos. If he drops something that’s not bland guitar and soft vocals, we’d be more frightened than impressed. Expect more of the same, unfortunately. Maybe he will just re-release “Banana Pancakes” and stretch it for like 45 minutes. That’s probably better than whatever this will be.
Prediction: Certified OG Kush
Albums of Fall 2013 Unfortunately, you would be wrong, as there is plenty of music scheduled to be released that is sure to be nothing short of an atrocity. Here are the five albums I’m least excited for in the Fall of 2013. By: Noel Purcell
Nothing Was the Same Drake - September 24th
This Is...Icona Pop Icona Pop - September 24th
Untitled Fourth Studio Album
Stupid Drake. He still has that same monotone drawl that lulls you to sleep, and that same boring, lazy flow that makes him perfect in every generic white girl’s sex playlist on Spotify, nestled in between The Weeknd and “Burn” by Usher. The evolution of Drake has been commercial rather than musical, because in the end he is still exactly what he was when Best I Ever Had dropped in 2009: a soft, shitty, whiny fuckboy.
Man, “I Love It” was a fun song for like ten minutes, wasn’t it? It started getting serious play after being featured on episodes of both Snooki & JWoww and Girls, which is as bad of an omen as there is. It was catchy and fun and easy; it was basically the perfect piece of pop music. Then you heard it another fifty times, and after a while a chorus of sorority girls screaming “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” and hounding you to change the song for three hours haunts your dreams and you wake up in a cold sweat, longing for the days where you could just say “sorry we don’t have the CD burned for it yet.” This is a song whose single release, in various formats, has produced no less than 21 different remixes. 21. Talk about sucking the fat teat of fame dry.
There is no more boring, yet more universally praised album in 2010 than The Suburbs. “But it won a Grammy!” you say as we laugh in your face because using a Grammy as a measuring stick for the merit of a piece of music is like using the 30-inch rims on a guy’s Escalade as a measurement for his dick size. Remember, LMFAO has two Grammy nominations. Cut it out.
Between the overrated, overstated, and wholly underwhelming cryfest that is Take Care and the absolute trainwreck that is “Started From the Bottom” (a song so soft that white bread suburban teenagers sipping bottles of Moet poolside while the maids clean the house took to it like ducks to water) the odds that we end up with anything more than a Charmin Ultra Soft disc’s worth of music is merely wishful thinking. The album covers don’t bode well for this thing not sucking. That shit looks like what you’d get if you told someone to make a Drake album cover specifically designed to make fun of the other Drake album covers. He took the Nas/Biggie/Weezy route of the baby picture and then, in classic Drake fashion, made it the absolute softest and most uncool shit humanly possible, but 17-year old white girls will be all “Oh my god he’s so sensitive, this is what all hip-hop should be” while they finger themselves to pictures of Matthew McConaughey, watch Gilmore Girls, and search Pinterest to design their dream wedding. Drake has officially earned the crown of the lamest rapper on the planet.
Prediction: Certified Double Platinum
Icona Pop is perfectly harmless as a synthpop duo, which is exactly why we’re not anticipating this album’s release. They say they’re trying new things and that it “Won’t be an album of 16 songs like ‘I Love It’,” which is exactly where they are messing up. True, they caught lightning in a bottle, and true Charli XCX (who was the reason “I Love It” was as successful as it was) is not a permanent member of the band, but if you can make quality, catchy pop music, stick to it. In the end they can either end up as a generic one-hit wonder that more or less encapsulated the spring of 2013, try something new and probably fail, or they stick to their strategy make another successful, catchy pop song. They don’t seem to want to do the last one, so this album will be the beginning of perpetual dissatisfaction for the entirety of the life of this band.
Prediction: Silver Record
Arcade Fire - Oct. 29th
Now, there are plenty of reasons one should be anticipating this album. LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy has been in the studio with Arcade Fire, recording them in his DFA studio! Funeral was really good! Win Butler does cool things with his hair! Wrong, oh so wrong. Pouring hype into this album will just leave you utterly disappointed when you hear 22 songs that sound like “We Used to Wait,” causing you to give up all hope in what you used to call indie music. Before you know it you’ll start listening to Lady Gaga religiously. Arcade Fire is the go-to “real” band for faux hipster girls who like to wear Indian headdresses and roll at MGMT concerts. It takes a lot to make Wayne Coyne think you’re an asshole, and these guys found a way. Enjoy what will surely be a universally-panned, yet ultimately completely mediocre piece of profitable “indie” rock, while you pretend you know who Brian Eno is. This album is going to eat a dick.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
The Seek and Find
This bookstore is filled with 10 stacks of fat cash. Can you find them all? Email your answers to seekfind@theblacksheeponline.com - The first three right get a prize!
madlib
Meeting Your roommate’s parents
Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at
___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.
and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.
But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.
Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time!
1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat
8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time
14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity
20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10
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