The Black Sheep
FRE
Vol. 3, Issue 1
E... L THA IKE T T N HE B OO NE OOKS E VE IN W RR EAD ILLY T S
1/16/14 - 1/22/14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FIVE POST-HOLIDAY DIETS FOR KENTUCKY STUDENTS TO TRY BY: TAYLOR CARDEN That post-holiday muffin top is sitting atop your pants right now, student. Sure, you could sweat it out in the JC next to that hairy guy who spells like week-old gym socks, but dieting is better (easier) method for losing winter weight. Here are the newest trends UK students are utilizing to fight off those fat cells. The Starbucks Diet: You enjoy your coffee drinks. Now enjoy only your coffee drinks. The sole liquid that will enter your mouth until you reach your ideal weight is a hot, frothy, coffee-based beverage. This diet is convenient with a Starbucks literally on every corner of campus, so you’ll never run out of places to fuel up. Plus, coffee is a diuretic, which means you can expect to literally shit those calories right out! Pros: Coffee has caffeine, so you’ll burn extra calories fidgeting and moving your feet uncontrollably while sitting in Whitehall. Who knows, that hottie next to you might dig people with constant twitches! Also, your coffee will keep your hands warm on that trek to class. Cons: A Venti Mocha Latte costs how much?! The Save-My-Calories-For-TheBar Diet: This diet consists of skip-
ping meals all week, then spending precious calories on alcohol Thursday through Saturday nights, plus a beer or six on Sunday. Plus cheesy, hungover Tolly Ho fests that may or may not put you into a diabetic coma. Pros: Drinking on an empty stomach gets you drunk faster, so you don’t have to spend as much money! Being wasted + weight loss = a damn good weekend. Plus, food is for pussies. Cons: This might just be alcoholism. Really, really severe alcoholism. The Skinny-For-Greek-Sing-Diet: If you don’t know what Greek Sing is, you’ve either lived under a rock your entire college existence or you’ve never been around the UK Greeks. Greek Sing is a competition between all the Greek organizations to see who can put on a better dance performance (look the sexiest). There are elaborate props, dance choreography, and fraternity men humping the stage in neon spandex. (In other words, heaven.) Going to extreme measures to look good for this giant event seems only logical. This diet regimes 24-hour jazzercise (jazz hands don’t count), and focusing on the strict deadline of the Feb. 8th performance date.
Pros: You have a set deadline to meet your weight loss goal, so that adds motivation. Also, you’ll look like a sexy bitch in your hot pink unitard. Cons: If you overdo it, you may find yourself feeling faint in the middle of a jazz-square-cartwheel-highkick combo, and if you pass out and fall off the stage the audience won’t remember your hot body. All they’ll remember is a tangle of blond highlights, an audible gasp, and the crunch of your delicate girly ankles colliding with the floor. Broken legs aren’t a good look. The Spring-Break-Is-AroundThe-Corner Diet: Your destination is somewhere sexy and exotic, like Jamaica or Florida. March is coming up, but your goal is to be ready for spring break as if it starts tomorrow. No one likes to look like a creampuff in a banana hammock! This diet is basically just substituting food for tanning. Hungry? Go tan! Want a donut? Hit Sun Tan City! Feel worn out from lack of food? Lay down… in a tanning bed! There are tanning salons all around campus, so put down that burger and pick up your tanning oil. Pros: You’ll be so dark and skinny by March you’ll be the hottest thing on the beach!
Cons: You’ll be so dark and skinny by March you may be mistaken for driftwood on the beach! Also, skin cancer.
plus a regular pint of Cane’s sauce. This diet is for UK Students who realize that they can diet when they’re dead.
of shit who can’t be bothered to take care of the poor vehicle tasked with schleppin’ your miserable self around.
The Don’t-Give-A-Fug Diet: You’ve tried dieting for a solid day and a half, and it was the most difficult thing you’ve ever tried. So why diet when you can eat anything you want? You eat a healthy mix of everything at the Student Center,
Pros: You know you’re beautiful the way you are, so why worry about those love handles? Mo’ cushion for the pushin’ is our motto! Also, food is delicious. Cons: No cons to this one! Well, besides being a fat, lazy piece
Whatever your weight loss strategy, remember: It’s not about health. It’s about looking hot as hell. Now go post some incredibly important before-and-after mirror pics of your new body on Instagram.
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THE DRUNKEN HEART-TO-HEART
TOP 10: COACH CALIPARI’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
MARIJUANA, SENSELESS MURDER LEGALIZED IN COLORADO
YOUR RESOLUTION IS TO GIVE UP SHOTS. COACH CAL’S IS TO WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS
JUST SAY NO TO KILLING PEOPLE AND YES TO CHEETOS AND NETFLIX.
HOW TO DEAL WITH OVER SHARING WHEN YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO INHALE FRENCH FRIES.
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The Drunken Heart-to-Heart: How To Deal With Over Sharing
ULTIMATE STUDENT LIVING
BY: MOLLY BURFORD You wake up and your head is pounding. A half-eaten piece of pizza lays next to you, your jeans are still on, and for the life of you, you cannot seem to find your dignity--just a typical Saturday morning in Lexington. Your phone buzzes with a message that reads, “Hey, hope u r doing ok today, girl. I’m always here if u need 2 talk!” Ruh roh. Last night, you and your new gal pal were having a drunken heart to heart in McDonald’s along with a Big Mac, chicken nuggets, French fries, and impending heart disease. While you were blubbering over your 8th chicken nugget, you happened to reveal a little more about yourself than you would have liked to. Ever. You would not even tell a therapist the shit you disclosed last night and now your new friend knows enough about you to write a Lifetime movie. So, what now? Here at The Black Sheep, we acknowledge that saving face is important and are here with several options to help
you get through the horror of your over share. Option One: Deny EVERYTHING Respond to your caring friend’s text with, “That’s sweet. Thanks! I’ll let you know if I ever have a problem. I rarely do, though. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I actually had any drama in my life or talked about it because nothing is really serious enough to be mentioned.” Your friend will both drop the subject entirely and come to the conclusion that you were too drunk to have any recollection of your conversation, or she may pursue the topic further and think you could definitely use more heart-to-hearts. If this happens, consider option two. Option Two: Become affiliated with a gang. Threaten person with said gang. This is an extreme, but guaranteed method of self-preservation that will definitely shut the second party up. However, be warned, it can also result in potential arrest. If this scares you, you’re a pansy, but go ahead
and proceed to option three. Option Three: Join witness protection program, move. What are you a witness to, exactly? Your own drunken stupidity, that’s what. Join the witness protection program.Move to a remote location with a new identity where you can start fresh. If moving sounds like too much of a hassle, especially after moving into the dorms, option four can be of help to you. Option Four: Hire a PR guy to do damage control. Who doesn’t think they’re cool enough to have their own personal PR team? Well, now your wildest dreams can come true. Hire a PR representative to do damage control on your supposedly wrecked image. They will do things like make witty Facebook statuses, make fake accounts of attractive people to like said statuses, give you a makeover, and a hug when you need one. Or you could always address the problem, as will be seen in option five.
with a lawyer present. Hold a press conference at the cafeteria for anyone who has nothing better to do and answer any questions involving your recent incident. Enlist a lawyer (or welldressed law student, nobody will be able to tell the difference) to represent you and to support your right to decline answering any questions you do not feel comfortable discussing. AKA all of them.
Option Five: Hold a press conference
Option Six: Realize it’s not that big of
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a deal. Everyone has their nights. Everyone also has their problems. Think your shit is messed up? We can guarantee you that the person you spilled your life story to has done or been through something equally as messed up or will go through something of that nature eventually. And at least you’re not a cast member of Big Tips Texas, and you’ll always have that going for you. So, let it go and stop drinking so much, you damn fish.
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ON THE STREETS
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WHAT WOULD A REALITY SHOW STARRING YOU BE CALLED?
COACH CAL’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS BY: LUCAS TROUXELL
nior Phyllicia, Ju
“Made.”
r Haley, Senio
Basketball season is well underway, and while the season hasn’t been a disappointment, many would’ve predicted a better start for the ‘Cats… and “by many,” we mean everyone. Therefore, we can imagine Coach Cal had a few special resolutions to work on after January 1st, and so we present you Coach Cal’s Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions.
The Black Sheep’s GUIDE TO REGIFTING BY: SHAUNTIONNE MOSLEY By now those terrible presents you got are sitting in a bag under your bed. You know you’re never going to use the novelty bookbag your grandma bought you, but you can’t muster the strength to see her face when you take it back. No one wants to get their feelings hurt, but why do you have to keep something you know you’ll never use? We’re here to say you don’t have to.
“Real Goody-Two-Shoes of UK: You May be Sleeping With Her But You’re Not Getting Any.”
ior Charles, Sen
“Banging Through the Mid-Mid- Life Crisis.”
06
Regifting is usually considered a bad thing, but The Black Sheep always tries to make negatives into positives… or at least help you get rid of some useless shit. The Last Second Gift: We’re convinced that Bath & Body Works is the key to world peace, and anyone who makes you smell like a pie is a friend in our book. However, it’s obvious you were the last person on someone’s shopping list when they gifted you a last second dollar store grab of “vanilla” perfume on the way out. You’re obviously not going to wear it, and it’s a waste of time to take it back, so to whom can you regift it and to make the most out of it? Regiftee: The buff chick in your Zumba class. The perfume smells like ass, and who better to give it to than the ridiculously buff chick in your Zumba class! She practically lives in the Johnson Center and apparently doesn’t have time to shower. Although she has a nice ass, since she wears the same tired yoga pants to class you’re not sure if she washes it. Smellyass perfume for the girl with nice but stank ass? This is what you call a regifting miracle.
Your Mom’s Fashion Attempt: “Fashion trends always repeat anyway,” says your mother as she hands you a vomit-colored crop top that’s fuzzier than an un-groomed Scratch. You wouldn’t be caught dead in that thing, if only to avoid your roommate’s tweeting pictures of you with a “hot mess” hashtag. Regiftee: Your hip professor. There’s always that one professor who tries a little too hard to be hip, so this is the perfect gift for her. She can finally have something new to wear while twerking on Instagram, and proudly displaying that “thug life” life tattoo sketched awkwardly across her stomach. Bad Technology: Walkmans, pagers, flip phones… what are those? To your grandmother they are the devices that only people of luxury could afford, and you don’t have the heart to tell her that in 2014 those things are basically fossils. Regiftee: Your technology deficient dad. Your dad’s practically a fossil himself, so this is perfect for him! No longer will you have to spend countless hours explaining to him that “apps” and “applications” are the same thing, or that it’s impossible to take Siri out “for a beer.” While we should all be appreciative of the things we have, the holidays are more about giving. So by regifting you’re technically keeping up with the holiday spirit! The giver might not be happy that you’ve given their gift away, but they have to understand that stank perfume, outdated electronics, and shag rug-sweaters just aren’t the best gifts.
10.) Finding a 3rd Harrison brother: Some rather harsh critics have slammed the play of the twins this season. As for Coach Cal, his only criticism of the duo is that they aren’t triplets. If there is a 3rd Harrison brother out there we apologize for your apparent neglect, but please step forward and be as good as your brothers. 9.) The Rise of the Blonde Blocker: Willie Cauley-Stein is an interesting member of Cal’s star-studded roster. Sometimes his goofy actions resemble that of a newborn giraffe learning to walk, yet other times he displays the athleticism of a basketball-playing gazelle. One thing is for certain, Coach Cal wants him to keep swatting shots and throwing down the rock in the second half of the season to carry the Cats to title number 9. 8.) Improving the young team through SEC play: The struggles this team has faced this year took a big toll on Coach Cal. At times they look like they could they could beat the 1970s Lakers, and other times they look like they would struggle to win 2 games in a row at the JC. There’s no doubt Cal is lobbying hard for improvement in his young team by beating up on the SEC. 7.) Finish with a better record than Ricky P: Coach Cal is obviously a better, younger, and less scandalous coach than his cross-state counterpart, Ricky P. He also wears less hair gel and looks less like a violent pedophile than ole Ricky P., but that’s not the only way Cal hopes to trump his cross town little brother this year. After all, more wins than Louisville means more booster money for Mr. Big Blue himself. 6.) Jarrod Polson to go into (any) UK record books: While Jarrod Polson’s on court success may not be golden, he does have a shot at breaking a long standing UK record: most consecutive nights spent at the Tri-Delt house. To make this a successful resolution, Coach Cal will give him a few extra days off this semester as he strives to break the long-standing record, previously held by Chad “The Douche” Pointer. 5.) Julius continue to be Julius: Julius Randle just may be the greatest physical specimen to walk the earth since the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Chad “The Douche” Pointer. But Calipari wants more assertion out of him this New Year, and whether that’s by telling Julius the basketball rim is a sentient being who abused him as a child or literally lighting a fire under his ass, combining Julius’ physical attributes with the anger would usher in for a very successful year for Coach Cal. 4.) Keep more top notch talent: Coach Cal recruits better than Uncle Sam, this much is obvious. However, that talent has more turnover than a Kardashian bedroom. This year Calipari hopes to keep a few of his McDonald’s All Americans (even if by force), so critics will quit accusing him of only being an NBA farm team. 3.) Make more kids millionaires: Many inner city kids refer to Cal as poppa, as he has led more of them to the NBA money Mecca more than Muhammad could have. Nonetheless, Calipari wants to keep giving back to these talented young down-and-outs by creating a University of Kentucky basketball farm team. 2.) Spend more time with Mrs. Cal: Most know Mrs. Cal as a sweet old lady who makes bomb-ass brownies for exceptionally talented basketball players on their birthdays. However, she also rides Coach Cal’s ass in basketball season when he doesn’t take out the trash like any other middle aged menopausal women. For that, Coach is planning on spending more time with her this season so scoring comes just as easy on and off the court. 1.) Bring a title to Lexington: Imagine Coach Cal popping champagne to “Started From the Bottom” by Drake. This scenario can only mean one thing: another championship banner being hung in Rupp. If accomplished, this university will certainly shell out some cash for Cal — which he’ll need if he wants to keep buying Camaros for top notch recruits.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Friday 1/17
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LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 130 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar
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Saturday 1/18
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Sunday 1/19
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
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Monday 1/20
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Tuesday 1/21
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Wednesday 1/22
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NEWTOWN CROSSING
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THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS
: D A D O T OC f o rs e k a M e h T
H C T A C T S E I L D A D By: Quinn
We chatted with Phil Tibitoski, President and CEO of Young Horses, the award-winning indie game designers behind Octodad and the upcoming Octodad: Dadliest Catch. In the Octodad video game, one sloppily attempts to control an octopus who’s posing as a man. Check out more at OctodadGame.com, and follow the designers @YoungHorses on Twitter.
The Black Sheep: You’re bringing comedy to a new medium in video games. Was your initiative from the beginning to make a game as wacky and slapstick as it is challenging, or did that come together with Octodad? Phil Tibitoski: Really, we were just trying to make something new and weird – something that hasn’t been done before. A lot of us had only really just met each other on the first game, so a lot of it was just finding out that we’re all --at least we think-- pretty funny and weird people. And so the humor just came out through there, and choosing Octodad as the project to go for was obvious because we’re all pretty funny, and we figured we’d have fun working on it. TBS: So how did the idea of controlling an octopus who’s trying to play off being a human come up? Phil: The original idea behind Octodad as a concept is a meld of Being John Malkovich — being in someone’s head and controlling them, in really small, weird movements, kind of micromanaging — and a game called Jurassic Park Trespasser, which is this first person Jurassic Park-themed game where you have a lot control over the character’s arm, and it’s all physics based, but it just ended up being this hilarious disaster rather than a cool feature. So we took those two ideas and combined them. Originally you were an alien or an octopus inside an android’s head, but from there we spit around ideas and thought “Why don’t we just put the octopus in a suit?” because it would be funnier and more weird. And we all just ran with that with “Well what if he has a family, and since they don’t know he’s an octopus he has to act like a normal human, trying to keep from revealing himself to them and the rest of the world?” TBS: How did you create a control scheme that would both work and fit the awkward sloppin’ around of Octodad? Phil: We prototyped a bunch of different ways to do it — whether he just dragged his feet around or mimicked how an octopus would actually walk on land. Eventually we found a way that allowed for full free movement. You only raise or lower the arms when you want them to, and then for the legs it’s like a marionette where you hold his leg and move it to a position, then when you release it drops. So when we figured out how to do both upper and lower body, we decided to make it into more of an adventure or story game.
TBS: Testing the game had to be infinitely more frustrating than playing the perfected version, how many times did someone have to go like, take a walk? Phil: There was one time our advisor was playing through an early vertical slice of the game, and by the time he was done it took him 45 minutes — something that took us like a few minutes. And we were like “Yay, you won!” because there wasn’t really an ending, but he was like “No. I’ve lost. I’ve lost 45 minutes of my life.” So we went through a lot of iterations as to what feels good or is too frustrating, or not frustrating enough. If you play a first person shooter or whatever, you can then go and play any version of those games and get the gist on how to run around and play. With our game everyone starts from square one and has to learn themselves. With Octodad: Dadliest Catch we did a good job of doing that within the first 2 minutes, and after that everyone pretty much gets it.
TBS: Being a physics-based game where basically anything in a room can be knocked around, were there any points where you stopped and thought “Oh shit, we’re in over our heads here”? Phil: That happens pretty much everyday, where one of us will be like “Oh God what have we done? What are we doing here?” Especially because it’s kind of a big thing for us to go after for our first commercial game — wholly 3D, physics-based puzzle-adventure action-ish game. But that’s also why it’s taken us a couple years to get where it’s at now. And we still have some problems from time to time, but really with this sort of game it ends up being more in our favor than anything, because it’s usually a funny thing that happens if anything does go awry. TBS: What’s new in Octodad: Dadliest Catch? Phil: Well, in the first game you were confined to his house, but in Octodad: Dadliest Catch you actually venture out into the world, like an aquarium or a grocery store, and you’re more involved with people in the public rather than just your family. Your family is a lot easier on you in understanding how weird you are, but the public isn’t as forgiving, so the suspicion this time around is much more brutal in getting to your level or completing the tasks you set out to do. So if you’re in the grocery store and you knock over a whole shelf of cereal and there are people watching you, your suspicion levels will raise more than if you were at home and bowl over your wife’s flowers, and the circumstances are much more dire. We also have a full story. The first game’s story was done in the last two weeks of development just to tie the levels together and make sense of the game — whereas this one we have fully animated 3D cut scenes in the game, among other things. The production value has gone way up and the controls, although you control him in the same way, are a lot smoother now. It’s just as weird and awkward as it was before, but we got rid of a lot of bugs. TBS: Does he get any closer to completing his “Important Mission”? Phil: Yeah, we better explain Octodad’s priorities, and why he’s doing what he’s doing… where he comes from and how he came to the position he’s in. But there’s still a lot of mystery left up to the fans to try to think of how the hell this happened, because we think it’s funny to hear people’s interpretations.
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Marijuana, Senseless Murder
Legalized in Colorado Relationship: (giggling)
BY: MITCH VAGINAPUN The coming of the New Year has brought change in our nation’s drug policy—change that has brought with it a wave of panic and fear. With the legalization of marijuana and senseless murder in Colorado coming into effect, a panicked public has been voicing outrage across the nation. “It’s just absurd,” 45-year-old lumber mill worker Fred Davis said of the decision. “Lives are in danger, I don’t feel safe,” he added, his eyes nervously shifting back and forth, “I mean, how could they honestly think people wouldn’t get hurt if marijuana were legal.” Although Davis’s claim may seem unlikely, we at The Black Sheep travelled to Colorado to check in with the state government’s statistics and do absolutely nothing else. The $5,000 in cash was for travel expenses; get off our back, Rick from corporate accounting. “Yeah, the death rate has spiked since the law went into effect,” Governor Rickolas Pentrope said, “which isn’t entirely shocking, given the exact wording of the law. I mean, how could you expect otherwise when those damn Democrats snuck in phrases
like, ‘under no circumstances should a non-violent drug user be punished as severely as a rapist or serial killer,’” he added over the rattling gunfire and screaming outside his office. “I mean, what were they expecting to happen?” Even some of the law’s most adamant supporters turned their backs on the plan when it became a reality. We spoke with Burt Waldin, head of the “Legalize It!” student group at the University of Boulder, about his recent decision to resign from the group. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, man,” Waldin stammered, wringing his hands together nervously. “Everyone was just supposed to be super chill and sit around eating pizzas and watching cartoons all day. It was never supposed to come to this.” We asked Waldin if he thought the recent legalization of senseless, brutal murder could potentially explain the recent crime wave on the university’s campus, but he insisted that it had nothing to do with it. “Couldn’t be. You think that the ability to walk into a man’s house, drag him into the street, break both
Favorite Drink: Pixie Stix Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Gin & Tonic What is a subculture you’re secretly infatuated with?: I am infatuated with surf culture and no one really knows that.
of his kneecaps with a tire iron, then remove his head and place it on a pike to warn your enemies, without any legal punishment, has something to do with it? I know weed is legal now, but you guys have been hitting it WAY too much if you think that’s the problem here.” Waldin shook his head remorsefully. “I never should have founded that organization.” When asked if he had advice for any other student-
led legalization groups, Waldin said, “Legalizing marijuana was a huge mistake,” his face covered in the blood of Chris Baywood, single father of four, after Baywood’s head was cleaved off with one fell swoop of a broadsword. “Drugs are a danger to public health.”
Invent a holiday, what would it celebrate?: A new holiday would be Sparkle Day and everyone would go around throwing glitter and it would be awesome.
LYDIA of The Other Bar
Why do birds fall in love?: Because they are dumb.
Vaguely threaten your worst enemy: What enemies? If you were an element on the periodic chart which would you be?: I would be Neon on the periodic table because its my favorite color. What is the last lie you told?: I’m not drinking tonight Are you always this insufferable?: Wait....what?! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s hilarious. My favorite article was the one about the Kroghetto and I love doing the crossword puzzle and the games.
Waldin has since been sentenced to 25 years in prison for possession of cocaine.
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the madlib
so, about that new years resolution
When the clock struck midnight - well, after the ___1___wore off, like, ___2___days later - I was all about my New Years resolution. Because 2014 is the year of change. I’m going to lose ___3___ weight, I’m going to 4.0 my ___4___ class, I’m going to finally land my dream internship at ___5___, and I’m going to find the love of my life. I though I’d be able to accomplish all of that in a few months! But here we are, and the past few months haven’t been perfect, but we can’t have it all!
___12___, then some shots of ___13___. By the time we got to the bar, I was 50 shades of ___14___ and ended up staying the night at the celebrity’s assistants hotel room. The internship seemed a little out of range after I thought about it for a minute. Since I’m not active in any clubs or organizations, lying about being President of ___15___ and then being interview about it wasn’t too smart of me. But through that whole ordeal, I found my calling in studying ___16___, so I’ll chalk that one up to a win.
So the losing weight thing… yeah, that’s not going to happen. Between my roommate working at ___6___ and my friend having a pass to __7___, I was pretty But one positive is that I’ve found the love of my life! much screwed. Plus, for Christmas my mom got me a No, not the assistant, but remember the hotel we ___8___-of-the-month Club, so that’s really nice too. stayed in? Well I was still tipsy when I stumbled out the next morning, and started flirting with the front desk And the whole doing-well-in-school thing. I missed my guy. He took me out to ___17___ for breakfast that first exam because ___9___ was doing a publicity ap- day, and it’s been love ever since! He even proposed… pearance at ___10___ and I wasn’t about to miss that. we’re getting married in ___18___! Yay, 2014!!! My roommates and I played ___11___, followed by
1) Booze 2) Small number 3) Significant number 4) Major 5) Major Corporation 6) Late-night food spot 7) Awesome on-campus cafeteria 8) Sugary cereal 9) D-List celebrity 10) Campus bar 11) Drinking game 12) A different drinking game 13) Cheap liquor 14) Slang for intoxicated 15) Your major’s biggest club 16) Notoriously easy major 17) Chain fast food restaurant 18) Summer month
the wordsearch
the top words of 2013
Selfie Fail Hashtag Surveillance Drones Deficit Sequestration Emancipate Filibuster Nano Twerking Deadlock Franken Meme Stalemate TheCloud Phony Comet The Optic Pontifex