The Black Sheep
FRE
Vol. 3, Issue 1
E... L THA IKE T T N HE B OO NE OOKS E VE IN W RR EAD ILLY T S
1/16/14 - 1/22/14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FIVE POST-HOLIDAY DIETS FOR KENTUCKY STUDENTS TO TRY BY: TAYLOR CARDEN That post-holiday muffin top is sitting atop your pants right now, student. Sure, you could sweat it out in the JC next to that hairy guy who spells like week-old gym socks, but dieting is better (easier) method for losing winter weight. Here are the newest trends UK students are utilizing to fight off those fat cells. The Starbucks Diet: You enjoy your coffee drinks. Now enjoy only your coffee drinks. The sole liquid that will enter your mouth until you reach your ideal weight is a hot, frothy, coffee-based beverage. This diet is convenient with a Starbucks literally on every corner of campus, so you’ll never run out of places to fuel up. Plus, coffee is a diuretic, which means you can expect to literally shit those calories right out! Pros: Coffee has caffeine, so you’ll burn extra calories fidgeting and moving your feet uncontrollably while sitting in Whitehall. Who knows, that hottie next to you might dig people with constant twitches! Also, your coffee will keep your hands warm on that trek to class. Cons: A Venti Mocha Latte costs how much?! The Save-My-Calories-For-TheBar Diet: This diet consists of skip-
ping meals all week, then spending precious calories on alcohol Thursday through Saturday nights, plus a beer or six on Sunday. Plus cheesy, hungover Tolly Ho fests that may or may not put you into a diabetic coma. Pros: Drinking on an empty stomach gets you drunk faster, so you don’t have to spend as much money! Being wasted + weight loss = a damn good weekend. Plus, food is for pussies. Cons: This might just be alcoholism. Really, really severe alcoholism. The Skinny-For-Greek-Sing-Diet: If you don’t know what Greek Sing is, you’ve either lived under a rock your entire college existence or you’ve never been around the UK Greeks. Greek Sing is a competition between all the Greek organizations to see who can put on a better dance performance (look the sexiest). There are elaborate props, dance choreography, and fraternity men humping the stage in neon spandex. (In other words, heaven.) Going to extreme measures to look good for this giant event seems only logical. This diet regimes 24-hour jazzercise (jazz hands don’t count), and focusing on the strict deadline of the Feb. 8th performance date.
Pros: You have a set deadline to meet your weight loss goal, so that adds motivation. Also, you’ll look like a sexy bitch in your hot pink unitard. Cons: If you overdo it, you may find yourself feeling faint in the middle of a jazz-square-cartwheel-highkick combo, and if you pass out and fall off the stage the audience won’t remember your hot body. All they’ll remember is a tangle of blond highlights, an audible gasp, and the crunch of your delicate girly ankles colliding with the floor. Broken legs aren’t a good look. The Spring-Break-Is-AroundThe-Corner Diet: Your destination is somewhere sexy and exotic, like Jamaica or Florida. March is coming up, but your goal is to be ready for spring break as if it starts tomorrow. No one likes to look like a creampuff in a banana hammock! This diet is basically just substituting food for tanning. Hungry? Go tan! Want a donut? Hit Sun Tan City! Feel worn out from lack of food? Lay down… in a tanning bed! There are tanning salons all around campus, so put down that burger and pick up your tanning oil. Pros: You’ll be so dark and skinny by March you’ll be the hottest thing on the beach!
Cons: You’ll be so dark and skinny by March you may be mistaken for driftwood on the beach! Also, skin cancer.
plus a regular pint of Cane’s sauce. This diet is for UK Students who realize that they can diet when they’re dead.
of shit who can’t be bothered to take care of the poor vehicle tasked with schleppin’ your miserable self around.
The Don’t-Give-A-Fug Diet: You’ve tried dieting for a solid day and a half, and it was the most difficult thing you’ve ever tried. So why diet when you can eat anything you want? You eat a healthy mix of everything at the Student Center,
Pros: You know you’re beautiful the way you are, so why worry about those love handles? Mo’ cushion for the pushin’ is our motto! Also, food is delicious. Cons: No cons to this one! Well, besides being a fat, lazy piece
Whatever your weight loss strategy, remember: It’s not about health. It’s about looking hot as hell. Now go post some incredibly important before-and-after mirror pics of your new body on Instagram.
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THE DRUNKEN HEART-TO-HEART
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