Kentucky - Issue 1 - 9/11/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 4

The Black Sheep

FR PRO EE! LI BAB KE A LY S TAT HOU TOO L D N YO U ’T G ET.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue1

Bussing Blues: A K-Lot Catastrophe Shekinah Alfaro wrote this The new semester is finally underway. Our bank accounts have already felt the impact of $400 text books and $150 lab fees and now the days have come where over 27,000 students are forced to wait an unscheduled and absurd amount of time for the LexTran Commonwealth Stadium Bus to pack us in to the point where sardines would feel sorry for us. It’s time to get friendly with your neighbors, guys, and hope the person you are pressed unorthodoxly close to put on deodorant this morning. In theory, the busses pick up and drop off students in a timely manner, with the max wait being 5 minutes, saving those among us who WANT to gain the freshman 15, a 1.5-mile, 23-minute walk from K-Lot to White Hall. Yes, in theory. In practice, busses run on their own schedule, sometimes appearing in a fleet of three at a time, in rapid succession, with the first one packed to the brim and the latter two empty and cruising along with the ghosts of our hopes and dreams of ever making to class on time, and the occasional lingering spirit of the students left behind to terrorize the terrible transit. This leaves a slew of un-serviced and steadily filling bus stops in their wake. Experience tells us that busses take an average of 10-15 minutes. The dead eyes and smug smile of the drivers show they simple don’t care that you are bogged down with 20-pound backpack and the fear of being late again. And what’s worse, the officials don’t even know how often the busses are supposed to run, and all these panicked early mornings are severely cutting into our masturbation time. The LexTran website says the University of Kentucky busses run every 5-8 minutes, but the UK Transportation website says the busses run in 5-minute intervals during some parts of the day, and 10 minutes during the others. A clear definition could at least tell us how many levels of Flappy Bird rip-offs we could play while waiting. Plus, it’s not like classes end when the busses stop running. This semester has BCH 401g classes that end at 9p.m., and buses stop running at roughly 6p.m. Remember that 23-minute walk? How about taking it alone, in the dark, with a backpack pull of electronics and hundreds of dollars in text books? The frequent emails about robberies and attacks on campus remind us that we are one ill-timed trek across a dark campus from being another midnight message from UKAlert. Our suggestion: Rock the all-nighter-during-finals look. Because what criminal wants to tango with a college student with tangled hair, crazed eyes, and the ability to remind anyone of the dangers of combining caffeine and desperation. (Freshmen: you will understand this by the end of the semester.)

The University of Kentucky can do better. Mere yards from one of the LexTran student routes is the university-run HealthCare Route, which shuttles employees from the E-Lot to the medical centers. The longest they have to wait is 5 minutes – and that’s on a bad day. You’d think that with the $9,800 each of us shell out a year we could get busses with jacuzzis and minibars (minibars would make 8a.m. classes so much better, can we get a hell yeah?).

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PAGE 7

FRESHMAN “HELLA STOKED” FOR $40 FIGHT CLUB POSTER

STUDENT WHO BROUGHT GUITAR TO PARTY DIES FROM TOO MUCH SEX

SHOULD LOOK REEEALLL NICE NEXT TO HIS V FOR VENDETTA POSTER.

AND AFTER ALL, YOU’RE MY WONDERWALL.

Or, since UK is technically a dry campus, they could do the logical thing, such as getting more busses and a more structured schedule. UK does listen to us occasionally, and the extended hours at Willy T prove it. We can take a stand. We can say “no” to hour-long rides next to the creepy dude that’s looking at porn on his iPhone. We can start a riot! …Or we can just get to the bus stop earlier. Bye bye beauty sleep and masturbation time.

PAGES 12-13 WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Shekinah Alfaro

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Rebecca Anderson

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

THE PARTY STARTS HERE!

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE BRIDES IN THE BATH “Jay quietly wondered if today was the day he’s finally pop that zit on his scalp.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

CATAPPALLED To be so offended by something, one is forced to launch oneself into a stranger’s conversation. Ziev was so catappalled at the discussion between two Holocaust deniers, he couldn’t help but angrily approach them.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Was Playboy Playmate of the Month in November, 1980.

Appeared in ZZ Top’s video, “Legs.”

Husband is former MLB pitcher.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

PAGE 4 • 9/11/2014 - 9/17/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

KENTUCKY FRESHMAN “HELLA STOKED” FOR $40 FIGHT CLUB POSTER

Lexington’s sidewalk vendors are the perfect place to find movie posters to decorate your new living arrangements. Students of all ages can find college dorm art classics such as: “RastafarianColored Bob Marley Printed Smoking a Joint,” “Fractal Pattern That Kinda Looks Cool Under Black Light #07346,” and “Just The Beatles, I Guess...?” If fine art isn’t your thing, you might be like UK freshman and film nut Kyle Nehmert. While holding a $40 poster he told The Black Sheep: “I love all sorts of movies that might not be considered ‘normal.’ I’m hella-stoked over getting ahold of the last available Fight Club poster, and what a price!” Growing up, Nehmert felt different from the rest of his classmates. He believed that, “At the time, I felt like a loser, but really I just hadn’t found the right hyper-masculine entry-level psychological thriller yet.” Nehmert emphasizes that his experiences as a social outcast were not his fault. He insists that, “Movies like Fight Club have taught me that being a man is hard and the best way to deal with that frustration is to pummel my own impotence into others. Also, anarchy is cool.” Like most freshman film buffs, Nehmert has an interesting story from high school regarding Fight Club. Fondly remembering his past, he tells us, “My friends and I started our own fight club in high school. It was just us three, but nobody dared think about messing with us after we all came in with black eyes.” It wasn’t easy for him to find a venue to host the club, however. Nehmert said, “A few minutes in, mom would hear the sounds of our forearms slapping together, so it never got

further than that. She never gave us the chance to show off our best skills.” Decorating your dorm is a great way to demonstrate your individuality. Nehmert tells us that down the hallway, “There were like ten different rooms with those awesome Tibetan prayer flags from Spencer’s Gifts, and I’m into the Noble Eightfold Path as much as any eighteenyear-old searching for enlightenment, so I need some of those myself so I can show that I’m one of them.” Despite his lucky find, Nehmert worries about the purchase, “Yesterday, there was a cooler poster for $60, but someone must have bought it. I’m glad I saved the money, but that means there’s someone out there who has a cooler poster than me. Maybe I should find him and fight him. Actually, that might be cool, maybe we could start a UK fight club together, I bet nobody’s ever thought of that before.” He also admits to never having read the novel upon which the movie was based, “After seeing the film, I couldn’t imagine the book being better. Besides, they probably end the same way.” Most of Nehmert’s anxiety came from needing to economize the space in his dorm, “After putting up my Into the Wild and V for Vendetta posters, I might not have enough room for this one.” Nehmert left The Black Sheep with the assertion that there is nothing funny or ironic about him spending $40 for a poster of a movie about anti-capitalism, self-reliance, and anarchy from a street vendor, and then not being able to put it up because he bought too many other posters about anti-capitalism, self-reliance, and anarchy.

Staff wrote this

TOTES THE FUTURE

Kentucky Horoscopes (or Something) Libra wrote this ARIES (MARCH 21- APRIL 19): Planning is the key to success. Meditate and figure out your goals. Pull out a pen and paper and write those goals down. Then, throw that paper away because your day’s going to be rough and those goals aren’t going to be accomplished, you lazy piece of shit. Do your parents even make an effort to contact you anymore?

CANCER (JUNE 21- JULY 22): This month the stars say that you will rely heavily on Aries and Gemini. Taurus or Virgo might also contribute something to your life. You will have a somewhat brief, or not so brief, encounter with Leo, Libra, or Scorpio. And in a fortnight from last fortnight, you will have a saucy meeting with Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, or Pisces. LEO (JULY 23- AUG. 22): The planets have aligned and one of the BuzzFeed quizzes you take during this lunar cycle will be 100% accurate. Find out “What Food Should You Hook Up With?” or maybe “Which Pair of Jorts Are You?” One of these quizzes holds the answer to your future, be careful which you take. VIRGO (AUG. 23- SEPT. 22): On the twentieth of this month at 4:57 p.m., you will make awkward eye contact with a strange man. You will see that man again two days later at 6:22 p.m.

Tips for UK Freshmen Once again, another fall semester has begun here in the Bluegrass, and now that all of you freshmen Wildcats have moved in, you have time to focus on the important things such as chugging hooch in random basements throughout the party grid, and trying not to get cited at the fraternity tailgate bowl on Caturdays. Here at The Black Sheep, we really feel for ya, so we decided to put together ten of our best tips to help you get through your first year being a part of the #BBN. 10.) Always dress up for class: Girls, everyone knows that anyone who’s anybody wears their new Lilly Pulitzer dress and Michael Kors wedges to chem lab. Yea, acid burns on your toes may sound bad, but that’s the price of looking good. 9.) Use your fake I.D. at Tin Roof: Don’t worry that your fake looks like someone wrote your name on a notebook card-- just walk up to the door and slip the bouncer a twenty as you casually say “It’s cool, bro.” 8.) Bike cops are your best friends: Next time you’re stumbling down State Street and crying because that Sigma Delta from your Psych 100 class didn’t ask you to formal, make sure you stop the nearest pack of bike cops and tell them about it. They really don’t care that you’re only eighteen and will gladly give you a ride on the handlebars to cheer you up. 7.) Find a significant other: Seriously, there’s no better way to enjoy your freshman year than to tie yourself down to a boyfriend or girlfriend. Wild A-F!

TAURUS (APRIL 20- MAY 20): Proactivity. Aptitude. Conceptualize. Synergy. Diplomacy. Sustainability. Elasticity. Synchronize. What? GEMINI (MAY 21- JUNE 20): On the seventeenth day of the ninth month, you will be greeted by someone of your past, present, or future. There will also be an object involved. Dress for the occasion. You never know what doors this encounter could open (or close).

THE TOP TEN

6.) He really loves you: You know it’s 3 a.m. on a Saturday, and you just met Kyle ten minutes ago, but he’s probably your future husband. You should definitely go to his room so he can tell you that thing that’s really important that he can only tell you upstairs.

At that encounter, this man will slide you an envelope. Do not open it there. Walk to the first bakery you see and open it. Your life will never be the same from here on out. LIBRA (SEPT. 23- OCT. 22): You no longer write shitty articles for a comedy paper. At some point in your life you will meet Amy Poehler. Everyone loves you. You will no longer get lost on campus. You will succeed at everything you set your mind to. Your eyebrow game is on point. SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21): You will have an extremely adequate day on a Monday or Wednesday of this month (…or was it Tuesday?). Thursday is also a possibility for this adequate day, but we wouldn’t count out Friday or Sunday either. SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22DEC. 21): Look before you step. Smell before you taste. Feel before you sit. Invest before you research. Run before you walk. Network and make connections. Branch out. Be yourself. Follow your dreams. Make a friend. Learn something. Eat a sandwich. Stay in. Be cautious. Don’t trust anything vague. CAPPRICORN (DEC. 22JAN. 19): Today’s your day

in finance. Invest in a stable market like bookstores or VCR movie rentals. You’re also going to win the lottery with some combination of 4, 7, 2, 9, 3, 1, 6, 8, or 5. It would be worth your while to buy every combination of these numbers.

5.) We care about your ACT score: Here at UK, we are the best and brightest. Make sure you let the random kid sitting next to you in Memorial Hall know that you passed all your AP exams and scored a 31 on your ACT. He’ll want to hear more.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18): Do not run today. Don’t drive a car, bike, or take any other speedy methods of transportation. If you break the speed of 3 mph, you will have a hex placed on you for seven years, three months, two weeks, four days, thirteen hours, and twentysix minutes. Man was not made to travel such speeds and you’re no exception. PISCES (FEB. 19- MARCH 20): At 4:03 a.m. on the first Friday after you read this, you will start to have strange visions of a mysterious salsa dancer. Three days later at 5:44 p.m., you will walk by a woman dressed in white on the street that will look nothing like the woman in your dream. Stop this woman dressed in white and ask her anything and everything she knows about salsa dancing. At first, she might pretend like she doesn’t know what you’re talking about, but she does. Keep questioning her anyways. Your life depends on the information she reveals.

4.) UK parking is always a pleasant experience: UK parking employees know that tuition keeps going up, so they understand why you didn’t shell out another $300 for a parking pass. Catch them on a good day and they’ll even valet park your car for you in frat lot. Don’t tip them though, we don’t want them getting used to that kind of treatment. 3.) Commons is your healthiest option: Everyone knows the freshman fifteen is a myth, so go ahead and eat that bacon cheeseburger and those fifteen jalapeño poppers… every night… until spring break. 2.) Wear your letterman jacket around campus: How are we supposed to know if you were cool or not in high school if you don’t flaunt your varsity letterman to and from White Hall? Seriously, we all want to hear about how you would have gone pro if it hadn’t been for that fatal meniscus tear your senior year. 1.) Skip all of your 8 a.m. classes: Your professor’s attendance policy is really just a suggestion. Why get out of bed for class on a Wednesday morning when you can just lay there and nurse your hangover? Rebecca Anderson wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE STRANGEST THING A PROFESSOR HAS TOLD YOU SO FAR THIS SEMESTER? Wes, Junior

“I once had a student who just got out of prison after stabbing her boyfriend. I was terrified when I had to give her a failing grade.”

Brian, Junior

“You can just look at the pictures instead of reading the book and you’ll learn about 95% of what you need to know for the class.”

Jeremy, Junior

“This is a natural science class, so if you are here to learn about the mythical war between ghosts and dragons...well you better start taking notes.”

AROUND CAMPUS

After Having Too Much Sex Matt Roarty wrote this

played a few bars of “Santeria,”“Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” and “Wish You Were Here” between almost unimaginably rapturous sexual congresses. “Several witnesses confirm that Thompson next began playing a song unknown to the other partygoers,” the report continues. “Only after he began singing a few of the lines did those present realize he was doing an acoustic version of Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz’ ‘Get Low.’” “Almost immediately, a mad rush to Thompson’s crotch ensued. Women passing by on the street broke windows to get in, and in one instance a passerby climbed on the roof and used a power saw to carve a hole in the ceiling directly above Thompson. Female birds, squirrels, cats, dogs, and at least one anaconda flooded the house. The residence became so crowded that the north-facing wall was knocked over into a sorority next door, which the sorority members then used as a ramp to run into the living room where Thompson was present.” St. Joseph Hospital physician Ali Mikita hopes that this tragedy can be used as a teaching moment. “Every year, many young men are tempted to bring a guitar to a party. And sure, it seems great. Attention, adoration, sex; they are virtually guaranteed,” she explained. “But after orgasming ten, twenty, or perhaps dozens of times, it always ends the same way. You’re dead.” “We should count our lucky stars that Thompson did not get a chance to play ‘Wonderwall,’” Mikita said. “Who knows how many may have died then.” The police report also indicates that a junior who played “Over the Rainbow” on a ukulele at the party was treated for minor sexual injuries.

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PAGE 7 • 9/11/2014 - 9/17/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Student Who Brought Guitar to Party Dies

An autopsy released yesterday revealed that University of Kentucky sophomore Daniel Thompson died of “too much sex” following a party last Friday, September 12th. Thompson, a twenty-year-old chemistry major, brought a guitar to the event and was reportedly swarmed by lusty women. “ Thompson’s body was filled with abnormally high levels of testosterone and serotonin, making him what is referred to as a ‘sex machine,’” read the report, which concluded that the proximate cause of dead was “a simultaneous aneurysm of the brain and phallus brought on by overstimulation.” Sources present at the party say that Thompson was “covered in chicks pretty much from start to finish” after walking into the townhouse on Gibson Avenue. “Danny was never really a ladies’ man,” sophomore Alex Chapledaine, and Thompson’s roommate, told The Black Sheep. “But I don’t know, something about that acoustic guitar he got from Goodwill changed things.” A police report of the event details how Thompson entered the party, sat down on a couch, and began strumming a few random chords. After making out with an unidentified partygoer for approximately fifteen minutes, Thompson started playing Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper.” “Thompson’s shirt and pants were ripped off by a throng of ravenous women. In the next thirty minutes, he was pleasured no less than seven times,” wrote Officer Chris DeAngelis. “Fights began to break out among those competing for his attention, including one woman who swung a sledgehammer to create a perimeter around her and Thompson.” DeAngelis goes on to detail the next two hours of the party, during which Thompson

N OT H A P P Y W I T H YO U R H O U S I N G ?

LEXINGTONSTUDENTHOUSING.COM

The Bar Grid Double Trouble Tuesday Doubles Wells for the Price of a Single

Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Never Ending Happy Hour

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells Happy Hour 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Friday

Fireball Friday $1 off Fireball Shots

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

$4 Bombs Happy Hour 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Saturday

Wildcats @ Gators 7:30 $5 Jack Daniels Cocktail in a Stadium Cup, $4 Bacardi Cocktails

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls Happy Hour 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosias $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Sunday Ticket & Free Wifi

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

$3 Mimosas, $5 Bloody Marys Happy Hour 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Monday

Martini Monday Night $4 Designer Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

$1.50 Bud Lights, $10 Mason Jars Happy Hour 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday Doubles Wells for the Price of a Single

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers Happy Hour 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night Â˝ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps!

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball (12-Close) Happy Hour 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid

FRIDAY! LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 155 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing! We supply the fish, you race them in our custom track. $2 Well Drinks and Pints DJ Rain & Nathanael Stocke live

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

SPECIAL NIGHT

College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball LIVE MUSIC or a DJ spinning on the 1’s and 2’s...Check our Facebook page!! Follow Us on Twitter!

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

$10 Punch Out DJ Rain on the main stage Trending Now Live on the Patio Marlboro Promo

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm! Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

Thursday

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 155 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday $4 Fireball Shots No Cover

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

Game Day! DJ ReKnown on the main stage Hashtag preforming live on the Patio Sam Adam Octoberfest Stein hosting competition

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!

NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris

Sunday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday! Well Drinks and Two Key Lagers for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing! We supply the fish, you race them in our custom track. $2 Well Drinks and Pints DJ Rain & Nathanael Stocke live

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wed.

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft and smoking accessories 1 block from the library Live music on the front porch on Friday nights! 552 Columbia Ave., Lexington >> 859-309-0944 >> like us on facebook!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: I don’t even know.

A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: Stoned.

Major: Political Science

Is there a word you use in everyday conversation that confuses people? What does it mean?: No… I don’t think so… I mean, I talk to myself sometimes and it kind of confuses my dog, but other than that, I don’t know.

Favorite Drink: Moscow Mule Favorite Shot: Irish Breakfast Disgusting Drink: Wildcat Iced Tea What imaginary liquor would you like to wish into existence?: Hmmm… Some type of whiskey with black cherry undertones. What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen while working a shift?: One time I saw a girl giving a blow job on the dance floor… She then stood up after a few minutes and started making out with a different guy.

ASHLEY of TRUST LOUNGE

As a bartender, how can you tell when someone isn’t a student?: Well, people who aren’t students usually act more awkward and standoffish; almost like they are out of their element. We get a lot of the young business crowd so when they come out and are surrounded by college kids they look like they don’t know what to do.

THE DRINKING GAME WASTED WALLFLOWER It happens to the best, most popular of us (but mostly you): You end up at a party where you totes don’t know a single soul other than the person you showed up with. It’s ok, sweet, sweet beer is a social lubricant, so post up in a corner and give this game a whirl. You’ll be chatting up the populace in no time. What You’ll Need: A creepin’ corner and a bee-line to the nearest available strong drink. Number of Players: You’re riding solo on this one. Level of Intoxication: Your howling cackle from the corner will draw stares of ire. How to Play: Once you’ve posted up, drink when: - Someone looks like they’re coming to talk to you and oh god make it stop. - Awkward eye contact is established for nary a brief moment. - Another partygoer tries to get past you and you guys do the, “ok, I’ll go this way, no, you’re going that wa—nevermind, ok what way are you going?” thing. - Someone does an over-excited celebration during a more, say…social drinking game. - You witness an obvious flirt move like a hair-brush or an arm-touch. - The person you showed up with half-heartedly motions you to come over and join the gang. - A duo or group offers a celebratory cheers. You celebrate silently. - A group arrives to raucous applause because people actually know them. The Game Ends When: You’re rummed up enough to go have a chit-chat with someone you haven’t yet alienated with your creepshow antics.

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Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality, and why?: A Cheesy Gordita Crunch for sure-- because I’m just a mash up of a ton of good shit. Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: THE NUDES ON MY iCLOUD ARE FAKE. What are we going to do with all this blood?: Probably catch Ebola. What’s the most obscene food item that you’ve ever conjured up? What was in it? I once ate Mad Mushroom pizza dipped in peanut butter… several slices. My roommate has the video to prove it…. Yeah, that happened. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s so college. Duh.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER “YEAH, I WORKED OUT FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF SCHOOL” PROTEIN SHAKE Everyone knows that the busiest time of year at the gym is right at the beginning of the semester. But after those first couple weeks, gym attendance drops so low that the only people there are the creepy, meathead basement dwellers. So in order to make your two weeks the most productive they can possibly be, you are going to need this kick-ass protein shake to really enhance your workout. What You’ll Need: A blender, a jar of protein powder, peanut butter, a pound of raw beef, yogurt, oatmeal, almonds, banana, kale, spinach, a carton of eggs, celery, the tears of the people whose asses you are soon to beat. Fatty Factor: Absolutely none. You’re working out so you’re being healthy, duh. Let’s Get Baked: -First, you have to be in your workout attire. Velour tracksuits and sweatbands are a must. -Dump the entire container of protein powder into the blender. That’s 65 servings of straightup protein and because you won’t be returning to the gym after next week, and you have to take as much as you can now. -Grind up the beef with your bare hands, and

mix it all in with the powder. DO NOT COOK THE BEEF, PANSY. -Measure out two cups of peanut butter and dump that in the blender. -Take your carton of eggs and drop all twelve of them into the blender – shell and all. Only pussies crack their eggs. -Dump the rest of your ingredients in, putting the overflow into a second blender if necessary. -Now, it’s time to get blending. Be sure to use the “crush” setting on your blender, and not some bitch setting like “puree” or “stir.” -Once your concoction is mixed, chug it all in one gulp. The sooner it gets in your system, the better. -Vomit profusely in the nearest toilet, sink, or garbage can. You just consumed raw beef and eggs, 65 times the amount of protein you were supposed to have, and a shit ton of other nasty ingredients. You will probably have E. coli or salmonella, and should seek immediate medical treatment. A shake like this is a sure way to guarantee you’ll never step foot in the gym again after those first two weeks. You can thank The Black Sheep for the perfect excuse to be a lazy, out-of-shape blob.

the black sheep interviews:

mike Birbiglia Logan wrote this

Mike Birbiglia needs no introduction. The stand-up comedian and writer-director-star-of Sleepwalk With Me, is currently touring nationally.

the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: Is it as good as the stained glass one? Mike: Haha! I think it’s on the same level as the stained glass one; it’s in the ballpark for sure. Are you on Twitter right now? TBS: Logging in as we speak. Mike: Hahaha! If you’ve heard the story I did on “This American Life” about the creepy guy on the bus, it’s a little bit of an homage to that. TBS: Oh the glory! Mike: Isn’t that great? TBS: Do you make these? Do you have your hand in it? Mike: Well my brother Joe hires a bunch of designers; he is always on the lookout for like Rock ‘n’ roll poster designers, and specifically, ones that are local to where we are doing each show. This one is done by a guy named Barry Blankenship. But we have all sorts of different designers. TBS: Oh, damn, I think the bus one may take the cake over the stained glass. Mike: I know! It’s up there, for sure. The stained glass is certainly weird, and actually one of my friends pointed out on the stained glass poster that it’s arguable that I am pooping. I think that is a little liberal of an interpretation but… TBS: Hahaha! Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but people do talk… Mike: Haha, people ARE talking yeah… TBS: So you are going on tour starting pretty early in September, right? Mike: Yes, I am going on tour, God, super soon. I’m playing Brooklyn next Friday night...man it’s that soon? Then I’m going to ten more cities: York, Dayton, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo, Champaign, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Chicago, and Toronto. And in the middle of all that I’m shooting a role on Orange is the New Black. So I am just busy as hell right now. TBS: When was the last time you were on tour? Mike: The last tour was “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” and that was like a 70-city tour over four countries, and this one is going to be a 100-city tour, so this is the biggest tour I’ve ever done. TBS: DAMN. Mike: Yeah, I know! The crazy thing is I talked to my agent the other day and when all is said and done, we’re gonna have ended up playing 120 cities. So I am becoming the Katy Perry of comedy, which is an unexpected turn in my

career. TBS: What can you tell us about Orange is the New Black? Anything at all? Mike: I can’t! I’m not allowed to say anything. All I can tell you is that I’m in it, but only because they’ve said that. Up until the other day I couldn’t even say that I was in it. Basically, I was living a lie –I would go to work and people would be like, “Where you going?” and I’d be like “Well, I can’t talk about it,” which made me feel like a criminal. So I can’t really say what it is but it has been super fun. Obviously it’s one of the best shows out there, and one of my favorite shows, so this is kind of a dream-come-true for me.

would kick ass at. Mike: Hahaha! That is the most I’ve laughed at a question in an interview in a long time. I think it was that “we all” part of it because I’m not sure that even exists, haha! I think I’m still in that indie-niche zone where not everyone knows who I am, which I am totally fine with. I like sort of being in that niche, but I don’t know. Maybe? I’m in Judd Apatow’s new movie that we filmed this summer. Judd Apatow and Amy Schumer made a movie together and I play Amy’s brother-in-law, which is a super funny thing. It was just a blast to make. There’s Bill Hader, Amy Schumer, and actually John Cena is in it.

TBS: You have your self-produced Sleepwalk With Me, by which I mean it’s your brainchild. Mike: I created it, yes: I willed it into being.

TBS: Is that the wrestler dude? Mike: Exactly! Vanessa Bayer from SNL is in it too, who is super funny. LeBron James in it, which is just INSANE. Obviously this is very timely. I know that they actually booked him to be in it before all of the insanity went down when he became sort of the hero of America.

TBS: I bring this up because I’m wondering if Orange is kind of you shifting gears into the more blockbuster roles that we all know you

TBS: Aside from this big-ass tour, do you have anything in line for directing again? Mike: I am writing with plans to direct two feature films right now. TBS: HALLELUJAH! Mike: Haha, this is the most exuberant interview that I’ve had where someone is as excited as I am for what I’m creating, so thank you for that. TBS: Now are we looking at these coming out in the next year…or ten years? Mike: I would say a year, but don’t quote me on that. TBS: Oh, I’m going to quote you. Mike: Haha, well don’t quote me while quoting me is what I should have said. I am hoping to have a movie out next fall. TBS: Right on. Mike: Also, If you here any background noise I am multitasking right now and doing my dishes. I’ve reached a point where there are so many dishes piled up above the non-existent line that is the top of the sink, if that makes any sense. TBS: You realize I’m in college right? That makes perfect sense. Mike: Yes, you’re not at that age, but at a certain point you have to have a little pride in your life and just lower the dish-mountain below the line. TBS: Where did you go to college? Mike: Yeah, I went to Georgetown. TBS: Do you have any unknown horror or glory stories you’re willing to share? Mike: Well, I was thinking the other day actually about a photo that someone took of me being drunk at night, being pushed in a shopping-cart down a street in Washington DC. What troubled me most about it is that I don’t know who took the photo, I don’t know whose pushing the shopping cart, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, and all I can help thinking is what else happened that night?! TBS: Some thing’s are just better left unknown. Mike: Yes, sadly so. TBS: Since you’ve had your hand in writing, comedy, directing, producing, acting; or basically just every aspect of life…what would you say is harder: directing or comedy? Mike: Directing, and even more so directing comedy. It’s so hard because it has so much to do with timing. You could get away with doing certain things in drama where the timing isn’t quite right, where people may say it was an artistic choice or something. But in comedy, if it isn’t working then you just won’t get a laugh. Then the people will say that it’s just not funny. There’s just not a lot of leeway in film comedy, so I think that directing film

comedy is the hardest thing you can do. That’s part of the reason people revere Judd Apatow for that. TBS: When does the “Thank God for Jokes” tour end? Mike: I’m not sure. I’m doing 100 cities this year, then I’m gonna shoot a film that hopefully will come out in the fall, then I’ll probably do a few more cities with this show, and then film that as a special which will probably come out in 2015 or 2016. It’s so weird these numbers we’re talking about as far as years. What year were you born in? TBS: ‘92 Mike: See that’s reasonable. I was born in ’78 so when we start talking about 2014, 2015, 2016; it’s just crazy. When I was a kid we were talking about what was going to happen in the year 2000 and how different the world is going to be. Now we’re living in ’14, and it’s unthinkable. TBS: When you were… Mike: On a side-note to keep you updated on the dishes thing –I’ve gotten the mountain down, and now it’s got that crazy sludge water effect and now I’m trying to get the sludge-pond, if you will, so that the sludge gets down into the receptor so I can actually pull the sludge out and throw it into the garbage. TBS: Godspeed man. Mike: Yes; that is the status-report on my kitchen. Please go on with the question. TBS: When you made Sleepwalk With Me, did you always know it would be you starring in it? Or were you thinking of casting like, Zach Braff or something? Mike: Wow, well not him specifically, but it did crossed my mind, like, “Oh, I guess it will be Jimmy Fallon being me.” You know, someone who is better looking and more talented, but it was a little bit like a Sylvester Stallone and Rocky situation where I wrote this script, I’m producing the movie, I think I’ll just play this part, because no one would ever cast me in this part so I will hold out. By the way, that’s probably where the Sylvester Stallone comparison probably ends. TBS: If you couldn’t be an entertainer of some kind, what would you be? Mike: I think I always wanted to be a comedian, a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hangout –those were my goals –or maybe a poet or teacher. Yeah, probably an English teacher is where I would have landed. TBS: Well we here can’t imagine you doing anything else, that’s for damn sure. Mike: Well good, haha, thank you. Well, I have to run and finish writing these movies.

the interview: mike birbiglia

The Black Sheep: So, what is up? Where are you right now? Mike: I am in Brooklyn, where I live, and am just about to tweet the official Brooklyn tour poster. Don’t know if you’re on Twitter, but it’s pretty cool. It is one of my favorites of the tour posters.

THE BACK PAGE

the FAKE FOOTBALL FAN madlib Hey, can you believe the footballing season is here? This year I hear the __1__ are going to definitely win the __2__Group. What with the __3__ and __4__ and whatnot! Heck, I even heard __5__decided to make __6__better by giving it new grass and everything. Boy, it’s really neat when the players get knocked over by other plays and then a player gets a grass stain on his uniform. His mom must get real mad. Moms still wash their sons’ uniforms, right? And the tailgating, oh the tailgating! My __7__ used to take me to one when I was young—I can’t wait to eat one __8__, maybe two! I mean, I might drink a __9__, but I don’t think __10__’ campus police would look very favorably on that, plus I want to remember when __11__gets the game-winning score on a __12__. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m actually secretly a __13__ fan. This whole football thing is just so primal, you know? My __14__ played football for a few years—he was a real good __15__, but you should see his __16__ these days, it’s a real disaster. Kind of turned me off to the sport. Hey do you know anything about __17__? Where ya going? I—I wanted to talk to you about how well __18__is going to do against the__19__ this year. I bet there’s all sorts of goals he’s going to get! Football season’s here, everyone!

CLUE BANK 1) Your school’s nickname 2) Your conference, minus “Conference” 3) Football action 4) Football action 5) Head coach 6) Stadium name 7) Family member 8) Tailgating food 9) Alcoholic drink 10) Your school 11) Quarterback’s name 12) Basketball play 13) Non-football sport 14) Relative 15) Football position 16) Body part 17) Arts and craft 18) Favorite player 19) Rival team

CLUE BANK

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