Kentucky - Issue 2 - 1/17/2013

The Black Sheep

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Volume 1, Issue 2 • 1/17/13 - 1/23/13

The Curious Case of

Bowman the Wildcat Jackie Danger wrote this

This past week Lexington has been blessed with irrationally pleasant weather -- so much so that we were actually tricked into taking our tired, bloodshot eyes off of my shoes for a minute and having a look around campus. Turns out a lot's been changing around here if you take the time to sober up and have a little stroll. Did you guys know that campus planners dropped a massive new dormitory project on top of old Haggin Field?

Good riddance, really. The last thing UK wants to promote is intramural sports and physical activity. Also, there's a new e-mail hotline to tattle on fellow students who break UK's smoking ban (The Black Sheep pleasantly reminds you: snitches get stitches).

But most intriguing of all of all has to be the giant cat statue that now sits perched, ever vigilant, over Avenue of Champions.

His name, we're told, is Bowman. And he cost $300,000.

To be fair to anyone who's noticed, he's actually been there for a few months now. But seeing him shimmer in all his bronze glory in the sunny weather just makes us here at The Black Sheep wonder - why in the hell do we have him in the first place?

Bowman, named after one of UK's forgotten, Antebellum-era founding-father figures, is a part of our new Wildcat Alumni Plaza -- a large construction project which replaced the old sidewalk, benches and student drop-off point with... a new sidewalk, benches and drop-off point. Not that anyone really used the old one, but since we all know UK has just gobs of extra funding to throw away, why not build whole new plaza? It is, after all, still $4,900,000 less than the annual salary of Coach Calipari.

The idea behind Bowman and the Wildcat Plaza, it seems, is to foster a greater sense of UK community among us students. Between our NCAA victories and destroying Lexington in ritualistic mass rioting, you’d think we had scholastic tradition covered, but presumably the UK Alumni Association finds our effort lacking. The Wildcat Alumni Plaza project is even hitched with the tagline "A Tradition of Legacy," which we at The Black Sheep are still trying to wrap our minds around (aren’t “tradition” and “legacy”… basically synonyms?).

The statue itself, to be fair, is visually stunning. But perhaps that’s part of why our brand-new Bowman is so interesting. When soaking-up that 8-foot-plus of Bronzed glory you can’t help but

Staying on the Wagon Slipped up on your New Year’s Resolutions? Eh…so what?

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consider just how obnoxious a wildcat mascot actually is for Kentucky. Wildcats aren't native to North America. What we call wildcats are actually Bobcats, which still aren't really found in central Kentucky. Technically we do actually have a bobcat mascot - his name is Blue, and you can read all about him on the UK Athletics webpage. He's neutered and lives 20 minutes away in Frankfort. Also, he was born in Montana. And as far as we can tell he's never been to Lexington.

Logic aside, the fanfare around Bowman’s grand welcome to campus has been mind-blowing. There's even a live online video

what'’s inside

feed of the Plaza... you know, in case the statue, like, moves or something.

What kind of rituals - err, "legacy traditions"- UK's Alumni Association is hoping cultivate remains to be seen. Our guess is that good ole' Bowman will become a classic wasted photo-op for us drunk kids stumbling our way back from Two Keys Tavern.

We can already see the treasured college memories being made - as for us personally, the statue sits roughly halfway between my last Friday class in White Hall and the nearest liquor store - and if that’s not the a hallowed tradition, then we don’t know what is.

So You’ve Peed Your Pants…

Now What?

Enough to Break the Ice

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don’t panic. we're here to help.

If only class Icebreaking games were a little more honest…

contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 4: College Boys Guide to Hooking Up, a Primer Pt. 2 Learn how to talk to girls by not sounding like you were just hanging out with a bunch of dudes.

page 5: Top 10: Things About Being Naked And by things we mean awesome, practical things.

Table of

page 6: from the streets What's your favorite part about rush week?

page 10: Kneel to the Knockers So you’ve got boobs. But do you know how to use them?

pages 11: bartender of the week Sarah from Tin Roof has learned a whole lot about patience.

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Platidude:

An overly generic description of a college male.

“Flynn likes to listen to the latest Macklemore album when he runs at the gym before meeting his friends and his side piece out on a Friday night. What a platidude.”

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college boys guide to hooking up: a primer, pt. 2 G. Jordan Johnson wrote this Last week, we lamented the modern college male’s total lack of desirability. This week, we’re going to continue our effort by focusing on talking to the opposite sex and learning how to avoid sounding like you attend all-night videogame sausage seminars, along with some tips on sealing the deal. So clean up, iron-out the creases in your only button-down, and get ready to dazzle the bar crowd with your pheromone-rich, proteinpowered new aroma.

Being a crash-course, we’ll skip the formalities and get straight to the point. Here are ten things you need to commit to memory while pursuing the opposite sex is almost any situation.

- Don’t cede to the power of tantalizing breasts: Ladies have admittedly enjoyed free drinks since the Bronze Age. Buying a pretty lady a drink is encouraged - just don’t abuse it. And don’t look like a creep trying to load her up with Jägermeister. It’s not gentlemanly and purple Jäger-vomit is a hard stain to remove.

- Don’t talk about the following things: Your car, your diet or workout regimen, any video games you play, politics, your mom, her dad, ongoing life-drama, money, sketchy drugs (meth, crack, etc.), your job, or your penis.

- Actually, just keep your mouth shut: This can be hard for those suffering extreme cases of “total-dipshit syndrome,” but try not to make off-handed comments, “out-of-the-blue” observations or crazy, exaggerated exclamations. When practicing the art of swag, you’ve got to be cool. Ever see Jules talk to Yolanda in Pulp Fiction? You’re gonna be cool like Fonzie.

- Diversify your interests: We realize the prospect of being a total n00bslayer or a regular 400lb+ dead-lifter is cool now, but those are all aspects of your life that will change. Being worldly, insightful, positive, and generally pleasing to be around is far more valuable than your meager abilities. Explore the possibility of taking an interest in learning a second language, boning up on your wine pairing abilities (seriously, stop drinking cheap beer. A true ladies’ man enjoys adult beverages for the quality,

taste, and elegance. Let’s class it up now, shall we?) or learning to cook something other than pizza rolls.

- Don’t be a nervous pile of shit: There is a thin line between the ability to speak charmingly and attempting to do so while failing with unimaginable misery. To strike up a conversation, just find the opportunity - try giving away a smoke, bumming one, loaning your lighter, cleaning up a spilled drink, and so on. The options are endless. The key to successfully executing this is the ability to sustain the conversation after the pleasantries. Remember to play it cool and continue the interaction without looking like you’re desperate. The goal here is to open up just enough to garner interest from her, and then let her steer the conversation. And if she uninterested, chalk it up as a loss. You’ll get ’em next time, champ.

- DON’T GET WASTED: In the game of drinking, the winner is always the tortoise. Slow and steady wins the race. Somewhere around 3:00 a.m. you’ll be expected (hopefully) to sprout a stiff pump-action porridgeproducer and please a lady with it. If you’re incoherent and barely able to drag yourself home, how do you expect to pleasure her at all? A true gentleman drinks for the enjoyment of a fine wine or whiskey. Have a few drinks, get loosened up, and let the charms flow - just try and not puke on your new lady-friend.

- Suppose you’re capable of getting a woman under the same roof as you without the use of alcohol: Play it smart. Invite a girl over to help you make dinner - don’t invite her over to watch you make dinner. It’s clearly predatory; moreover, it’s a dead giveaway. Preparing the meal together offers incentive beyond just “hanging-out.” She’ll get dinner and a good time out of the deal, barring you don’t say anything stupid.

This shows her that you’re capable of more than a drunk text and that your culinary reach ranges beyond making chocolate milk.

- Remember that pheromone-stank from earlier?: We humans are just animals - our most basic urges are to screw and eat, and it’s your biological duty not to spoil a girl’s good time with subpar sex. Emanate an aromatic, testosterone-driven man-stank that will give her googly eyes.

Two to three days prior to your big night out, consume an excess of

Staying on the Wagon:

Maintaining Semester's Resolutions Nicole Barnes wrote this

Vitamin D. Add to that plenty of selenium and zinc, plus ample amounts of protein. Do this upon waking and just before falling asleep. If possible, avoid masturbation altogether. Two to three days of this cocktail and you might be sprouting those weird, inconvenient boners all the time, but you’ll be a monster in the sack.

- Stop smoking: Parliaments are great and that bump of coke with every cigarette is amazing, but the habit is gross and very unhealthy. It makes you smell like a cheap prostitute and it’s the symbol of trashiness. Further, it says to others that you’re a mindless consumer who lacks self-control.

- Success is measured not in the number of wins but the diminishing number of failures: You’re going to trip, land on your face, and get scorned for your efforts. Minimize failures by doing your duties effectively. Show her a good time, don’t get sloppy and get your rocks off early in the first inning. Businesses thrive on repeat business. Show a lady that you're interested in pleasing her first, and you can keep a rotating door, if that is what you desire.

Check out next week’s issue for the finale, plus photos of me stabbing a shark in the Coral Sea.

Students need not make New Year's resolutions -- we live our lives in semesters, and we barely make it through those. But in the same way we attempt to make improvements for the new year, we attempt to have a better semester at each new beginning. In the same way we suck at keeping New Year's resolutions, we equally suck at semester's resolutions. But why? How do we overcome these cycles of failure? Here’s how, you smart, handsome son of a bitch.

Food Resolutions: Everyone makes resolutions having to do with food. People often choose this resolution because it's so easy. We all know you're going to eat more healthy things and less unhealthy things. Just switch the words more and less in that last sentence. Easy as eating pie.

You may not have a dieting problem, just some kind of learning disability that causes you to switch particular words around so that your brain processes statements incorrectly and causes you to do the opposite of what you set out to do. See a doctor about this – and no, don’t doctor a see this about!

lack thereof) is meant for something much smaller than you with four tiny legs. If you are a regularsized American, and you've lived and eaten here long enough to become that size (it only takes two weeks), little walks are not for you. A little walk around the block is not going to cure the effects of eating a fried-everything breakfast and bacon-wrapped bacon sticks for a snack.

Exercise is not easy, nor is it pleasant. If you have never known this, it may not be your fault. You may need help identifying a true workout. First, exercise should make you feel tired. Second, you should feel this pulsating thing inside your body.

It is called a heart. Its beating can typically be felt when one is doing something the heart considers to be worth its time and effort. But the sure-fire way to know you are exercising is when you begin to feel like you're slowly dying. Worth noting, the same feelings often occur during sex. This is perfectly normal, and it's the same reason my boyfriend cries every time. IT’S NORMAL, OKAY.

Caffeine: Many students say they're going to lay off the caffeine. This never happens. Instead, students fly around wide-eyed and shaky, saying that they're going to quit one day. It’s never easy to quit a drug without rehab, or to buck an expensive trend. And kids, as long as coffee is overpriced, it's going to be fashionable. There's just no 12-Step program for it yet, and the academic effects of caffeine withdrawal are too dangerous. Just keep drinking until they come up with something. Caffeine's a hell of a drug.

Staying On: For each semester, if you can come up with a mantra to chant that maybe goes something like "Sometimes I'm just irresponsible," you may be able to be honest with yourself and stay on track. Just remember, when trying to maintain semester's resolutions, lying to yourself is the real problem, and most things you've told yourself about why you've not been able to be a successful person are big lies. But keep lying to yourself about that burning sensation downstairs, because that’s something you’re not ready to admit yet. Sometimes it’s best to just protect yourself.

Exercise Planning: Walking to class doesn't count. And furthermore, walking around the block a couple of times does not count as exercise either. That kind of physical activity (or

Sure, 2013 had a lot in store for most everyone laugh, cry, falling in your own shit, then laugh and cry. And that's basically it, failure, 2013 will come with a pint of failure, deal with it.

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Things About Being Naked

10.) You’re Ready to Go Streaking: Doesn’t matter if you’re celebrating the end of finals, a Spartan victory in March Madness, or just your young cousin’s Bar Mitzvah, you’re not going to miss out on the festivities because you tripped while trying to get your pants off.

9.) You Don’t Have to Fumble with Belts or Waistbands: Whether you’re trying to effectively poop or effectively masturbate, you’ll be ready for immediate action when inspiration strikes.

8.) You Can Demonstrate Self-Confidence: It doesn’t matter how oddly shaped, inappropriately sized, hairy, or rash-filled your body parts are. No, as long as you strut your stuff like the paragon of beauty you are, your audience will be in awe.

So You Peed Your Pants ...Now What? mary venuto wrote this It happens to the best of us. You overestimated your bladder’s strength and put off breaking the seal. Then a good friend brings up that old inside joke, and you bust out laughing. Before you can say “diaper,” it happens. You try your best to regain control of the situation, but you’re already too far gone. Peeing your pants is just like opening a can of Pringles - once you pop, the fun don’t stop. Just breathe, try to relax, and remember these tips when this happens to you.

Disclaimer: This guide is primarily for those who party in pants or anything denim.

These tips can be loosely applied to skirts or dresses, but they’re not recommended.

First off, B-line it to a bathroom. Not only to look at your sorry-ass in the mirror, but also to regroup. Definitely take that moment to reflect on what just happened. You have enough time to allow yourself a minimeltdown. However, this is no time to panic.

Pull yourself together! You got yourself into this mess and you can get yourself out.

Go ahead and try patting yourself dry - we both know in our hearts that isn’t going to work. You’d been drinking for hours when your bladder exceeded full capacity, so this isn’t simply “wetting” yourself - you’ve full on super-soaked yourself. Sure, you can try to place the flooded area under a hand-dryer, but that will only do so much.

And that’s of course if you’re even lucky enough to be in an establishment with an automated hand-dryer. Finding yourself in the bathroom of a house party with piss pants is an even more desperate situation.

So once you realize that all efforts to reverse the situation are futile, you only have a couple options left. Of course, you could deny deny deny and lurk in the shadows all night. Or, for the champion partier, you can do a decisive stride of pride out of the bathroom and own it. Either way, it’s time to get out of the bathroom - people are going to think you’re taking a dump in there.

If you decide to act nonchalant, first try to convince your friends that they’re seeing things. You could try saying “Dude, you need to slow down if you’re seeing marks on my pants” or “Did you walk away from your drink? Someone could have easily slipped something in it.” Try not to make eye contact with anyone. If possible always make sure a chair, table or any other sort of object is in front of you. Worst-case scenario you will be forced to lurk in the shadows for the rest of the night – and even that’s not so bad because you can just continue to pee your pants whenever you fancy.

7.) You Never Have to Call “Seat-Check” or “Fives”: Do you ever see the guy sitting on the floor rushing to claim the leather recliner after a naked person just unstuck themselves from it to grab another beer? Yeah, didn’t think so.

6.) You Have No Risk of Staining Clothes: You know when you have a fancy new shirt and have to take it off before eating dinner because you don’t want to spill anything on it? Exactly, no shirt, no shoes, no stains.

5.) You’ll Have Help Identifying Moles: No joke, moles don’t care who you are; they’ll pop up and start to cause problems. However, if you’re perpetually naked, then everyone you come in (mutually appreciative, non-literal) contact with becomes a full-body spotter for hairy, blind rodents, communist spies, and potential indicators of skin cancer.

4.) You Can Showcase Your Tattoos, Scars, or Birthmarks: If your friends never saw you naked how would they know you have a birthmark that bears a striking resemblance to Count Chocula on your left butt check?

3.) People Won’t Want to Fight You: Say you mouth off to someone’s girlfriend to the tune of, oh, something like, “Thin-lipped hookers like you shouldn’t even dress that trashy,” and now her boo wants to smash your face hole in. Now, if you’re naked, he’ll still want to fight you, but he won’t throw a punch because he doesn’t want to risk being hit with an errant scrote.

2.) People Will Pay Attention to You: Have you even been at a party where no one noticed the naked person, like he or she was just your new haircut? Nope, it’s always eyes on the naked guy. Nude up and be the go-to attention whore of any social event.

The recommended course of action would be to own your new status as a Pants-Peeier.

Confidence is key here. Be the MVPP (Most Valuable Pants Pisser) at the party. Nay- the MVPP of all time. Strike the Heisman pose right as you exit the bathroom. Convince people that peeing your pants is the next hit sensation that is sweeping the nation. Use Billy Madison as your inspiration if you’re still stuck in your shame. Spread the “love” by dancing on as many people as possible.

If you have any pee left in you, let it all out now. It’s like the old saying goes: Go big or go home.

1.) You’re Prepared for Sex: Well, you still need to find a consenting party (unless you’re not into consent) and get the proverbial juicy juices flowing. But, other than that, you are totally ready to get your meat tickled at the drop of a hat.

But seriously, go home. You smell like piss.

justin wrote this

[PartyPics]

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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What's your favorite part about Rush Week?

"Meeting new guys who are interested in my fraternity."- Drew T., Senior

"The frat parties!"

- Kaitlyn K., Sophomore

"Going out every night and not having to worry because it's still the first week of school!" - Amy T., Sophomore

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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Enough to Break the Ice Sammie Sea wrote this Awkward, TA-induced icebreakers are the bane of a happy syllabus week. The fact that this is an issue at the college level is ridiculous in itself, as the entire concept of icebreakers is flawed. While TAs may have good intentions, these little “games” are nothing but a painful waste of time. Of course everyone would rather sit and do nothing in class instead of actual work, but icebreakers are just a torturous hour of listening to shit about people who you’ll never talk to again.

The truth of the matter is that icebreakers just give people an opportunity to brag about themselves and exaggerate who they really are. of course you’re going to talk yourself up. who cares if your “two truths and a Lie” were really all lies if it makes you look good in front of the hot, new babes in the room? But think about it: wouldn’t it be awesome if icebreakers were painfully honest? the awkwardness would be so palpable and entertaining. Then you’d really know who you’d want to be friends with and who you should probably stay away from. Embarrassing icebreakers like these would be enough to justify going to that 9 a.m. discussion.

“Hey! So, my name is Brenda and I’m currently a junior. I am the social chair for DG, which is whatever.

I really wanted to be the VP, but I lost to this one bitch. I’m totes kidding! I love all my sisters. Anyways, i’m originally from Indiana, but I moved to Kentucky with my mom when I was fourteen because of my dad’s alcohol problems. I tend to have a lot of daddy issues so I’m really trying to fill that void with anything, if you know what I mean.” *winks* “Hey guys, my name is Mark. I’m a junior majoring in kinesiology. I’m not really sure what kinesiology is, but I’m an athlete so I’m sure my advisor will explain it to me before I graduate. I rarely attend class and when I do, I just scroll through my Facebook Timeline on my phone. If we’re in a group project together, there’s a good chance I will lie and tell you I have practice so you’ll end up doing the project alone. that way the project will be done right and I’ll still get the credit I deserve, you know, since I’m an athlete and all.”

“Hi, I'm Ricky, and I'm studying communication because I was too lazy to commit to a real major and have no serious plans for my future. I’m socially awkward and usually just end up staring at girls creepily throughout lecture instead of talking to them. An interesting fact about me is that I collect vintage erotica and like to rummage through my roommate’s drawers and try on his clothes when he’s not home.”

“Hey there, my name’s Nicole and I’m a sophomore. I love to party, and I usually go out every night with my friends. I was in rehab twice in high school after multiple alcohol poisonings. I can’t tell you

how many times I’ve had my stomach pumped! Last semester I had a pregnancy scare and a bout with Chlamydia, but I’m seriously not a slut. I just love to have a good time! YOLO, right? Let me know if you guys want to study together. I can never find time to finish the homework on my own.”

“What’s up? My name’s Alex, and I’m an art and design major. I think the whole foundation of gen-eds is bogus because they don’t allow us to express our individuality and creativity. I spend a lot of time writing lyrics for my band, the Meat Murderers. We’ve had a few gigs, but we’re really trying to make it big. I use drugs to help me create my unique image but to label me as a stoner is just ignorant. I’m also a vegan. I will end up shoving my beliefs about animals and the legalization of marijuana down your throats.”

Sure, hearing icebreakers like these would make syllabus week more of an awesome time than it already is. The problem sets in though when it’s your turn to speak. Who knows what that classroom is going to learn about you?

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Kneel to the Knockers Shauntionne Mosley wrote this

There are many reasons why being a girl is awesome. Clothes are cheaper, we can stop traffic in high heels, and with a couple bats of the eye a girl can get that creepy perv at Cane’s to put an extra chicken tender in the box. Oh yes - being a girl is far better than being a guy. However, we’ve left out one (two) other reasons why being a girl kicks ass.

These reasons can make you write a 15-page paper about nothing and have your teacher truly believe you deserve an A, plus extra credit. You were going to say something just now…but you looked at a pair of these reasons…and lost all…train of thought.

Boobs, ladies and gentleman. Boobs.

Your boobs, my boobs, microscopic boobs, “ohmergawd- those can’t be real but I don’t even know why I’m questioning their authenticity because I still want to see them” boobs.

Here at The Black Sheep we always try to be at least tastefully disgusting for female readers - so let’s try to see from a girl’s perspective just why boobs can sharpen anybody’s pencils!

When your hands are full and those “pockets” on your jeans are actually just decorated flaps, your boobs are there for you. Go ahead and put that dollar in your bra - just make sure the cashier sees you pull it out of there (maybe you’ll get a free treat!), but for God’s sake do not wipe off that boob sweat! And if you’re one of our extremely blessed readers that swims like a brick, have no fear! Who needs dinosaur-shaped floaties when you have perfectly good DD’s to buoy you up from a watery grave?

Some girls complain about their chests attracting the wrong type of attention, but we at The Black Sheep think these women should use this to their advantage. For example, there’s always that one guy who just can’t take a hint. He’s an accounting major and you gave him your number because you need to get out of remedial math - but all of a sudden in his primative little mind, you’re his boo. He’d run from north to south campus in the snow, decked out in Louisville gear, all in the name of love and your twins. So you keep him around and he does your homework; now if only you could get him to stop talking about “carrying the one” and how his back pimples, if “looked at sideways, kind of resemble

the quadratic formula.” The Black Sheep’s answer to this: cleavage. Sure, showing a little boob-crack was the cause to your problem in the first place, but it’ll get this man to shut the hell up and multiply something. Every other girl on campus might have a problem giving peep shows to their boyfriends, but The Black Sheep understands. When the going gets tough… boobs.

Ultimately, tig-ol’-bitties are more than just dairy pillows. They’re lifesaving, nerd distracting, racks of awesome. Guys don’t know about the hidden advantages of our ta-tas, and maybe they don’t need to. Let’s just keep this between us girls. So whether you have bee-stings or beehives, The Black Sheep advises that you always use them to your advantage.

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bartender of the week Sarah s. tin roof Hometown: Louisville Nickname: Cooley Life lessons from bar-tending: Patience...

Is bartending difficult: Depends on the clients.

Favorite part of bartending: The people I get to work with.

Worst thing you've ever seen at the bar: People puking on themselves at the bar and then kissing other people.

Favorite drink to make: Fireball What drink do you order at a bar: Vodka water

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

drinking

Inferno Walking Tacos

This week we will look at a game as old as booze itself. It is both the simplest and most entertaining of games, and it is easy enough to play almost anywhere. We’re talking of course of the game simply known as “drinking.”

Too exhausted from last night’s 3 a.m. booty call? Too entranced by Aqua Teen Hunger Force to get off your lazy ass and make real food? Well, The Black Sheep has the perfect recipe for that lazy Sunday, or Monday, or any day of the week for that matter.

What You’ll Need: Booze and preferably a friend to drink with.

Number of Players: As many as you damn well please.

Level of Intoxication: That depends on you.

How to Play: Take one drink when: - You feel like drinking.

- You feel like you haven’t had a drink in a while.

- You’re really in the mood for more beer.

Take another drink when: - You inevitably fail at hitting on the super hot chick at the bar.

- You realize you’ve already spent more than $15 and it’s only 9.

- Your roommate hits you up for yet another round.

- You want to increase your dance skills.

Finish your drink when: - You run into your ex with his or her new significant other.

- Someone really annoying comes up to you and you need an excuse to get away.

- You really have to pee and don’t want to bring your drink into the nasty bathroom.

- You want the courage to send a sexy email to your super hot TA.

Game Ends When: Either you pass out or feel intense bouts of shame and remorse.

With all that fancy-shmancy technology we have these days, sometimes we forget about the ol’ classic fun our relatives had many years before us. Time to raise a glass to Grandpa Joe; he’d be proud of you tonight.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What You’ll Need: 6 little Fritos bags, 1 can of chili, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, sour cream, and your favorite hot sauce.

Cook Time: About 5 minutes.

Fatty Factor: It’s such a good laxative that it’s like negative calories!

Let’s Get Baked: - Pour the can of chili into a container with a lid and heat it in the microwave for 2 to 3 minutes.

- Open the bags of Fritos and dump some in the chili.

- Mix in the lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, onions and whatever other ingredients you love to put on your tacos.

- Liberally add hot sauce to the container. Just dump the whole bottle in there.

- Put on the lid and shake vigorously.

- Grab a spoon or a bag of chips and go to town.

You now have a delicious, extremely unhealthy bag full of Meatwad for you to enjoy while he’s on the television.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

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by: quinn

DA14 The Western World’s First Gene Therapy Goes on Sale The Event: Dutch biotech uniQure’s Glybera will become commercially available, providing gene therapy to treat lipoprotein lipase deficiency (LPLD), an extremely rare inherited disorder affecting the metabolism of fat particles.

How can we selfishly make this about us?: Gene therapy might just be the future of medicine as we know it. It physically alters the fundamental material that tells our cells how to function, and could potentially provide cures to some of humankind’s most detrimental diseases. But we’re not quite there yet, so who cares? Just like global warming, we should spend more time arguing whether or not humans should tinker with God’s creation. In fact, until uniQure can replace our short, fat, and brunette genes, let’s not give a shit about it. In other words, if a man was born to die of LPLD, then that’s what he was put on this Earth to do… until we can alter our genes to have powerful sex organs, then we shall not agree with uniQure and its evil plans to white-wash America.

The Event: On February 15, 2013, the DA14 asteroid is predicted to narrowly sweep past Earth.

The 45-meter, 130,000 metric ton asteroid will blow by us at 21, 200 miles from the center-point of Earth, with an uncertainty region of about 0.000001 AU (150 km; 93 mi).

How can we selfishly make this about us?:"Uncertainty region" is certainly a sexy term. In this random universe anything can happen, and we feeble humans just have to bend over, grab our ankles, and take it.

Might this near-Earth asteroid randomly be coerced by unknown forces of the universe, and take a path to knock Earth of its axis, killing us all? Or will Jesus whisk off into space on a silver surfboard and push it away? Only time can tell, but one thing's for sure - you want to make sure everyone within your online social reach knows that you know the asteroid isn't going to hit (because of science or surfboard Jesus)… but you're going to party like it is AnYwAy!~! #DA14 #NearDeath #JesusPushedtheAsteroidAway

Royal Baby Born The Event: Kate Middleton and whichever royal breeder is plugging her are passing on their blessed genes! Surely this baby will be left to grow up in a private, loving home like the rest of us, it won't throw itself off of the London Bridge at the ripe age of 14 on national television!

How can we selfishly make this about us?: How dare we suggest that someone else's baby isn't primarily about us in the first place? This baby is will be a real life princess or prince! Our generation barely knew Princess Diana, and now we have our chance to become psychotically possessive of someone else's life. This baby is ours, America, and if we can't destroy the English monarchy with war, we shall tear it down by shoving our fat faces into every aspect of this baby's life. We will vote on the baby's name (deeming him/her Oprah no matter what), witness his/her first kiss, and ultimately steer the royal family back to what they do best - have sex with each other until years of incest rot away their genetic makeup.

The Wide Commercial Use of Highly Flexible Touch Sensors The Event: 2013 is predicted to be the year we start to see our computing technology evolve to be flexible - with a phone that wraps around your wrist as the desired endpoint.

How can we selfishly make this about us?: Our grandparents would never have dreamed of carrying the sort of computing power we do in their pockets. Yet, how do we respond to having an infinite amount of information at our fingertips? Immediately start complaining about the Facebook app loading too slowly, or carelessly dropping it into on the ground as we stream porn in the bathroom stall at work. Of course we'll welcome our computers being able to bend into a wrist accessory, but we'll all inevitably grow bored with this groundbreaking technology and wonder why the computer is still a physical thing, and not a chip implanted into our brain. Why do we have to still look at something to watch porn? Why aren't we to the point where we can stream it on the back of my eyelids yet!? We thought this was 2013, not 2003!

Solar Flares Will Disrupt the Earth's Magnetosphere The Event: The sun will reach its solar maximum this year - the period of greatest activity in its 11-year solar cycle. Because of the low level of activity in recent years there is a build up of energy, with large "solar storms" hitting Earth's magnetosphere strong enough to disrupt electronic systems on Earth.

How can we selfishly make this about us?: Despite the fact that the solar flares could potentially alter the banking system and hospital equipment, we'll all inevitably complain more about our phone batteries not charging as we sleep, and GPS devices leading us to Taco Bell instead of the nearest strip club. Sure, we could take this phenomenon to realize there are bigger external forces that alter our lives than WiFi and sex, becoming a little less dependent on our machines and a little more interested in the frailty of human life and our relationships. But we won't, and our faces will stay glued to our phones as we mash the refresh button like apes until the internet checks back in.

we interview: We interviewed Ryan North, creator of the online Dinosaur Comics, writer of Adventure Time comics, and eventually a choose-your-own-adventure Hamlet book. He is the self-described “final boss of the internet,” so follow him on Twitter @ryanqnorth! By Brendan The Black Sheep: So you went to college for Computer Science, did you start the comic out of college or in college?

Ryan North: I did undergrad in Computer Science and started the Dinosaur Comics in my final year.

Then I did a graduate degree in computation linguistics, and continued the comic during that time.

When I graduated I had the choice of getting a real job or doing comics on the internet, and the internet comic thing seemed like it would be more fun.

TBS: With that in mind, what was the decision like -- did you understand the risk, did you look at it as kind of "this is my one shot to do this"?

RN: Yeah, actually it was a really easy decision, because when a cartoonist decides to go full time that means they have to quit their day job, but all I had to do was fail to get a job. It was easy because the easiest choice was the most fun choice.

TBS: Since then you've branched out to a bunch of different things -- designing other web comics and other projects. When you go after these things, how do you choose to do it?

RN: It takes me about three hours to write a comic, which seems like a lot for six panels, but it takes that long to get to the point where I'm happy with it. So when I started doing comics full time, I’d be done around noon, and have the whole afternoon off - so I was like, “Yeah! Spring break full time!” But after a couple weeks of that, I started to be like "Oh no, I'm wasting my life.” But Oh No Robot came out of me saying “Wow! This is something that can solve a problem for web comics, and something I can do in the afternoon that would be computer science-y,” which I enjoyed also - you know, helping out both myself and other cartoonists. So seeing something that could be done better and doing it, but also selfishly just needing to feel more productive than I am.

TBS: Dinosaur Comics, do you find the 6 panels are a continual challenge?

RN: In one sense it's like a haiku, where you have these constructions and you work within it - and that gives you some advantages, like you're not facing a blank sheet of paper in the morning. I know my comic today will probably have T-Rex in it to some degree, because it's always those same six images, but at the same time you're thinking how can you spend ten years with the same six images, this is brutal, it's reptilian. But they're really flexible, which is great -- if I put "Meanwhile in Tudor England" above one of the panels, that changes the visual narrative of the strip and it starts telling different stories and having characters off panel that interact with the main characters, which makes it flexible, and seemingly easier.

TBS: The Adventure Time comic is very stylistically different from what you've been doing, how do you switch voices between the two?

RN: I think it helps that the characters from each comic like T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics and Jake from

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

broken city In Theaters January 18th

Hey, it's a Mark Wahlberg action film! Russell Crowe stars as the mayor of New York City, a man who hires Wahlberg (a disgraced ex-cop with an innate anger problem) to help him identify his wife's lover, that bitch. Scandalous situations simmer up, supposedly surrounding sex and stuff.

toro y moi - anything in return out January 22nd

Chaz Bundwick, better known as Toro y Moi, graces us yet again with his low key dance beats on Anything in Return.

Bundwick describes his latest album as just him having fun, music that his "girlfriend would dance to, or something."

Yeah, guys, or something, so let's keep the vibes chill around here, okay?

africa January 22nd at 10p.m. on discovery

From the makers of Planet Earth, Frozen Planet and Life comes another epic documentary that shows us that rhinos and giraffes really do live complex, interesting lives outside of the zoo. The third installment of the seven part series shows us the country of Congo, and how life is, like, real in the rain forest.

ryan north Adventure Time, are very distinct characters with really clear voices, so it's not hard to write them. You know it's not like I sit down and I say, “Alright here's a funny joke, now is it a T-Rex joke or is this a Finn and Jake joke?” It's more, I'm writing for Finn and Jake and then suggest the different sorts of jokes for each character.

TBS: Moving onto your Kickstarter project To Be or Not To Be: That is the Adventure choose your own adventure play on Hamlet that blew up, what was the inspiration behind that?

RN: It was totally the title that caught me - because I thought "Wow, that's structured like a choice, like in those little choose your adventure books!”

Then I thought “Oh my gosh, I have to write this." And there is a lot in Hamlet that is well suited for the adventure book format - he has a very clear goal to kill the bad guy, and when you do the story is over. And there’re other easy translations like the play within a play easily becomes a book within a book.

TBS: The Kickstarter campaign raised a bunch of money, why do that instead of going to a publisher?

RN: The thing with going to a publisher is you have to say, "Hey Mr. publisher I've written this chooseyour-own path version of Hamlet, so stay with me it's going to be great, but I want every ending illustrated and it's going to cost you thousands of dollars to print this. But trust me it will be really cool!" which a lot of publishers won't go for. But you go to Kickstarter and say the same thing, and only ask that people put up $20 and get the book, and you can watch it grow. We started with just black and white book with a thirty pictures, but as we made more money it became full color with over 110 pictures. So it let the book be better than what it would've otherwise been, which I think is a really powerful thing.

TBS: One of the over-arching things that have been in this conversation has been you betting on yourself and winning - have you experienced and large-scale setbacks?

RN: There is a truism of writing that says, "If you want to write something good you have to write a bunch of bad things first and get them out of your system," but I feel what's actually happening is that your initial writing will be bad - like if you look at the first couple years of Dinosaur Comics, I wouldn't put those comics online now because I wouldn't be happy with them. Like, when I put the first comic out, it was just me and my mom reading the comic -- and then my mom stopped -- I feel like if I had the objective measure to say "Is this a successful comic?" Well for the first couple years it wasn't! But I wasn't doing it for the success I was doing it because I enjoyed writing a comic and I wanted to see what I could do with it.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. That doesn’t mean it's a failure and you have to move onto the next thing - it means "Well, that didn't work, we learned something from this, and we better adapted, or learned the lessons we learned to do something new" I feel like labeling your different projects as failures or not failures is a little bit harsh, and sort of writes off the failure stuff, when really there is something good in there that you can recycle and make into something better.

the

riddle!

Can you figure out the question we're asking in this riddle?

Do you know the answer to said question?

You do!? Get outta here! Someone get this guy a drink!

Send the question and answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.

the madlib: back to school It seems like it was just yesterday you were packing up your things and heading back to __1__ to enjoy a month-long break. You were determined to relax, promising yourself that you’d __2__ one __3__ every day you were home. Well, that didn’t happen.

First your __4__ began berating you for showing up at home with so much __5__.

Doesn’t she understand that it’s really expensive to do it at school? Then your __6__ asked why you reek of __7__, like there’s a good way to answer that question in front of the parents.

Deciding you need a break from all that nonsense, you head over __8__’s house, knowing he’ll be down to __9__ some __10__. You walk into his house and the whole family is sobbing; apparently his __11__suddenly __12__. Now you’re telling him everything is going to be __13__, but you really, really just want to go to __14__ and __15__.

Of course things continue to get worse. A few days later you find out that __16__, the ex- you still quietly lust over, is now dating __17__.

You still despise __18__ for __19__ on your __20__ as a joke your __21__year of high

school.

Nothing really got worse through Christmas, but New Year’s saw the ultimate shitstorm come crashing ashore.

After __22__ ditched you at a __23__ you decided to head home. When you walked in you heard a shriek. A naked, quivering mass of flesh was on the couch. It was your __24__, with __25__ on top. Then, on top of both of them was a __26__. You immediately started __27__ and __28__, though you’re not sure which one came first.

So yeah, thank god you’re back at school.

Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith

campus director Quinn Myers

Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Cody Meek, Shauntionne Mosley

Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Social media manager Olivia McCoy

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608.712.0900

1) Your hometown 2) Verb 3) Noun 4) Female family member 5) Noun 6) Different family member than 4 7) Libation 8) Male friend’s name 9) Verb 10) Noun 11) Pet 12) Verb (past tense) 13) Adjective 14) Location

15) Verb 16) Name 17) Name of nemesis 18) Same as 16 19) Verb (-ing) 20) Body part 21)Year in high school 22) Name 23) Inopportune location 24) Family member 25) Family member 26) Animal 27) Verb (-ing) 28) Verb (-ing)

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McAlister's Deli Mellow Mushroom Raising Canes Red Mile Slice of Chicago OffThaHookah Arbys CD Central Goldstar Chili Jamba Juice Kennedy's Textbooks King Tut's Mediterranean The Paddock Bar Ramseys Shenanigans Prince Hookah

Lounge The Local Taco Wildcat Textbooks Business Restocking Newtown Crossing Royal Lexington University Lofts Red Mile 524 & 525 The LEX The Collegiate Campus Court University Village Park Hill Greek Houses!

On Campus Building!

SO MUCH MORE!

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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