The Black Sheep
FR THA EE...L T CO IKE T ME HE S WIT TO H E MAC ATI NG H PAIN SBA S RRO .
Vol. 3, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/23/14 - 1/30/14
KENTUCKY KERNEL COVERS SOMETHING
OTHER THAN KENTUCKY BASKETBALL BY: MARY VENUTO LEXINGTON, KY- In the middle of White Hall Classroom Building between 10:50 a.m. and 11:00 a.m., political science major Ray Asburn let out a bloodcurdling scream. Passersby stopped and starred as they saw Ray hurl his backpack through the window and rip out a chunk of his beard. With tears streaming down his face and beads of sweat prickling over his hairline, Asburn picked up a copy of the Kentucky Kernel. He flipped through the pages in frantic disbelief, only to hurl the whole paper on the ground and storm out of White Hall. For the first time in nearly a decade, the Kentucky Kernel featured an article that had little to nothing to do with the Kentucky basketball team. “I need the Kentucky Kernel’s extensive coverage of our Cats basketball team. Without it, I just wouldn’t know what to do with myself,” Asburn told sources as he scratched the side of his neck. The Kentucky sophomore plans his whole day around the Cats’ practice schedule and prays in the direction of Rupp Arena three times a day. “I mean, I already follow the Harrison twins on Twitter so I guess I’ll just have to rely on that today — here’s to hoping they tweet more than pictures of each others’ butts…” Fifth year senior Molly Martin did not share Asburn’s sentiment. “I didn’t think anyone at the Kernel knew that other things went on here at UK, which is why I switched to reputable news sources like FOX.” She went on to stuff her backpack full of the newspapers, because “no one back home is going to believe this.” The feature article on the cover was a story on Dance Blue. It only mentioned Calipari supporting Dance Blue efforts two times, and that Jon Hood may be in attendance if he “isn’t too tired after practice.” The issue also had articles about Eli Capilouto outsourcing the entire university to China and a little quip on the weather. The Kernel writer, who asked to remain anonymous, met with The Black Sheep in front of P.O.T at midnight, telling us to “not get used to it… The next issue is all about Calipari’s niece’s daughter’s birthday.” He went on to tell us that the Kernel is composed of 98 sports writers and 2 reporters for “other stuff,” which is why he set out to blaze his own trail. “I have always dreamed of editing my own newspaper, one that gave the readers straight facts without bipartisan influence in the analysis.”
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YOU ONLY MISSED THE WOMAN WHO CLEANS YOUR DORM
OH ROSIE, LOVELY ROSIE, IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.
However, the editor-in-chief of the Kentucky Kernel stepped forward to give her side of the story. “Listen, when I put something about UK basketball in a headline I get 120% more page views, so sue me. You can only lead a story with ‘NSFW: Harrison Twin Nudes’ so many times before people start catching on. But dammit if I can’t trick students into reading about UK raising tuition for the fourth year in a row.” She then went on to have a nervous breakdown upon coming to the full realization that the only thing students on this campus care about is
anything and everything to do with UK basketball. “Everything I’ve done in my life thus far has been a waste,” she sighed as she took a flask out of her purse and started walking towards Two Keys. Kentucky Kernel readers will be relieved to know that the next issue will feature a tell all of the Harrison twins’ bedtime routines, a list of the birthday gifts Calipari’s niece’s daughter received for her eleventh birthday, and a 1200 word recap of the Texas A&M game.
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JUST THE TIPS
ABROAD STUDENT’S TRAVEL BLOG AWARDED PULITZER PRIZE
HOW TO BALANCE THE POST-BOOK BUYING BANK ACCOUNT.
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