Volume 5
The Black Sheep
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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 3
UNIVERSITY INVENTS PANTS in Light of Crotch Fires
Natalie Shofner wrote this We’re all familiar with UKs idea of becoming exclusively a pedestrian traffic campus, with their lack of parking near White Hall and its aim to, by 2020, eliminate all streets designed for vehicles that pass through campus. However, after a major incident last week, the board of UK may be rethinking their decision. Jared Trust, international studies sophomore, was making the trek from class at the William T. Library to Patterson Office Tower in casual classroom attire; jeans and a blue Wildcats t-shirt. Unfortunately, due to high amounts of friction from walking quickly between the buildings in the ten-minute period his schedule allows, his pelvic region spontaneously caught fire, causing Jared major burns to the inner thighs, penis, and left testicle. This is not the first incident related to jean combustion the university has had to deal with. Back in the spring of 2012, Jill Becker, philosophy junior at the time of the incident, was running to the ChemPhys Building when her $200 Lucky Brand Jeans lit up like a drunken frat guy after that year’s championship win. Jill was treated for severe burns, but says that the flames had gifted her with permanentlybald lady business, although she has lost most feeling in that region. The University of Kentucky has announced that it will put forth a mandated dress code in hopes to eliminate the chances of accidents like these from happening again. Rather than wearing jeans or shorts, the dress code requires
every student to wear specially designed, flame-resistant leggings, which are being called “Safety Legs©” specially made by the College of Engineering. These leggings are similar in appearance to the common black leggings worn on campus by every girl in a sorority. However, these leggings will feature a patent-pending fabric on the inner thigh, designed to resist friction and keep the inner thighs cool and fire-free. About 100 students have been selected to help test out Safety Legs© in exchange for a free pair. So far, reviews have been positive, and students can’t stop praising the leggings ability to “make it feel like a bag of ice on my nether regions.” Older male professors can’t help but share their excitement for this conversion as well. “I just can’t wait to see all those fine honeys with junk in the trunk and pants that show it all off!” said Steve Cobbler, a gender women’s studies professor A few of the complaints have only come from male test subjects, claiming that they are feeling over-sexualized while constantly getting cat-called and harassed by female classmates. “I feel like all women see now is my schlong. Why can’t they just treat me like a person? I have feelings too!” said Brian Gadberry, an undecided senior.
Anyone wearing pants deemed “hazardous” will be fined up to $1,000 and must take a class which teaches the importance of wearing fire-resistant clothing.
Whether students like it or not, Safety Legs© will be a part of the required student dress code starting spring of 2015.
Safety Legs© will only be sold at the UK book store with an estimated retail price of $99.99 per pair. When criticized about
the price, the board assured that each student will receive a voucher for “half off one pair of Safety Legs© with the purchase of one textbook costing at least $250.” The board is hopeful that this will help offset the cost for struggling students and will encourage students to buy more than one pair. In turn, this will add additional
revenue to help offset the cost of replacing all the major roads throughout campus with large water fountains and more statues of the rich old white men who have donated millions towards building a better and brighter future for our university. Safety Legs© will, no doubt, assist in building that future!
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PAGES 12-13
YIK YAK SUCCESS STORY BRINGS TOGETHER TWO HORRIBLE PEOPLE
UNIVERSITY LAUNCHES NEW SUSTAINABILITY PROGRAM
ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME
THIS MODERN-DAY FAIRYTALE ALMOST MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT TINDER.
INTRODUCING COMMUNAL RED SOLO CUPS!
WARIO HAS NOTHING ON ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.
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SEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014
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