Volume 5
The Black Sheep
BUD FREE DY ! LIK FIN E W ALL HEN YB A I L YO U R S YO UO UT.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 3
UNIVERSITY INVENTS PANTS in Light of Crotch Fires
Natalie Shofner wrote this We’re all familiar with UKs idea of becoming exclusively a pedestrian traffic campus, with their lack of parking near White Hall and its aim to, by 2020, eliminate all streets designed for vehicles that pass through campus. However, after a major incident last week, the board of UK may be rethinking their decision. Jared Trust, international studies sophomore, was making the trek from class at the William T. Library to Patterson Office Tower in casual classroom attire; jeans and a blue Wildcats t-shirt. Unfortunately, due to high amounts of friction from walking quickly between the buildings in the ten-minute period his schedule allows, his pelvic region spontaneously caught fire, causing Jared major burns to the inner thighs, penis, and left testicle. This is not the first incident related to jean combustion the university has had to deal with. Back in the spring of 2012, Jill Becker, philosophy junior at the time of the incident, was running to the ChemPhys Building when her $200 Lucky Brand Jeans lit up like a drunken frat guy after that year’s championship win. Jill was treated for severe burns, but says that the flames had gifted her with permanentlybald lady business, although she has lost most feeling in that region. The University of Kentucky has announced that it will put forth a mandated dress code in hopes to eliminate the chances of accidents like these from happening again. Rather than wearing jeans or shorts, the dress code requires
every student to wear specially designed, flame-resistant leggings, which are being called “Safety Legs©” specially made by the College of Engineering. These leggings are similar in appearance to the common black leggings worn on campus by every girl in a sorority. However, these leggings will feature a patent-pending fabric on the inner thigh, designed to resist friction and keep the inner thighs cool and fire-free. About 100 students have been selected to help test out Safety Legs© in exchange for a free pair. So far, reviews have been positive, and students can’t stop praising the leggings ability to “make it feel like a bag of ice on my nether regions.” Older male professors can’t help but share their excitement for this conversion as well. “I just can’t wait to see all those fine honeys with junk in the trunk and pants that show it all off!” said Steve Cobbler, a gender women’s studies professor A few of the complaints have only come from male test subjects, claiming that they are feeling over-sexualized while constantly getting cat-called and harassed by female classmates. “I feel like all women see now is my schlong. Why can’t they just treat me like a person? I have feelings too!” said Brian Gadberry, an undecided senior.
Anyone wearing pants deemed “hazardous” will be fined up to $1,000 and must take a class which teaches the importance of wearing fire-resistant clothing.
Whether students like it or not, Safety Legs© will be a part of the required student dress code starting spring of 2015.
Safety Legs© will only be sold at the UK book store with an estimated retail price of $99.99 per pair. When criticized about
the price, the board assured that each student will receive a voucher for “half off one pair of Safety Legs© with the purchase of one textbook costing at least $250.” The board is hopeful that this will help offset the cost for struggling students and will encourage students to buy more than one pair. In turn, this will add additional
revenue to help offset the cost of replacing all the major roads throughout campus with large water fountains and more statues of the rich old white men who have donated millions towards building a better and brighter future for our university. Safety Legs© will, no doubt, assist in building that future!
PAGE 4
PAGE 7
PAGES 12-13
YIK YAK SUCCESS STORY BRINGS TOGETHER TWO HORRIBLE PEOPLE
UNIVERSITY LAUNCHES NEW SUSTAINABILITY PROGRAM
ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME
THIS MODERN-DAY FAIRYTALE ALMOST MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT TINDER.
INTRODUCING COMMUNAL RED SOLO CUPS!
WARIO HAS NOTHING ON ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.
FOLLOW US @UKBLACKSHEEP
SEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
OUR APOLOGIES
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
TO THE ROSEBUD We’d like to take a moment and apologize to The Rosebud, and anyone associated with the bar, for any inaccuracies in our article last week. Our article made is seem as though the bar has closed down, when in fact, The Rosebud is alive and kicking. We also may have taken a few jokes too far and conveyed that The Rosebud was an irresponsible business, which it is not. We at The Black Sheep love all the bars in this country, and apologize for any false impressions. If you want to grab a drink and are of legal age, The Rosebud will gladly pour you a cold one.
THE MISSISSIPPI MEATHOOK
Thanks, The Black Sheep
WORD of the WEEK
CABBIN’IT A man or woman who refuses to walk anywhere.
Peter, a total cabbin’it, handed the driver a $5 for the 1/8th mile ride to 7-Eleven.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Nicknamed “The Polar Bear.”
2
Drives “The Crow’s Nest.”
3
Based in Kelowna, British Columbia.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP
PAGE 4 • 9/11/2014 - 9/24/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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Yik Yak Success Story Brings Together Two Horrible People Staff Wrote This
They say that love works in mysterious ways, and University of Kentucky freshmen Tara Flattery and Josh Schwartz certainly agree. These two sad, lonely students reportedly found love in a hopeless place when they took to Yik Yak late one Saturday night, and have this app to thank for their newfound companionship. It was in this watering hole of free speech, fearless declarations, and bitter criticisms that Flattery and Schwartz’s low standards lead them to find what most spend their entire lives looking for: love. Records show that this modern-day fairytale started with a single Yak reading, “Just lookin for someone to bang... whose up in Blanding??” Sources say it is no surprise that this reckless and poorly-spelled expression of passion and desire attracted Flattery’s attention. “Im up on the third floor! Come by if u like <3,” the biology major hastily replied. Sources close to
Flattery report that she had initially included a winky face in place of the heart, but remembering advice from her mother about how to conduct herself with boys, decided that the heart was more appropriate. After seeing the reply, witnesses confirm there was a cry of, “Dude no way!” before Schwartz ran out the door and bounded towards the elevator. Reports indicate that he quickly met up with Flattery and headed into her dorm, where they spent their first romantic evening together. Flattery’s roommate told The Black Sheep that she was “annoyed but unsurprised” that she was asked to leave the room for the night. An informant close to Schwartz who wishes to remain anonymous tells The Black Sheep that the nursing major has more to thank Yik Yak for than he would like to admit. He discloses, “Josh is kind of gross. Girls don’t really like him and I understand why. If I was a girl
I wouldn’t like Josh.” Statistical evidence provided by the informant reveals that Schwartz’s, “pull ratio is weak.” Evidence collected from Flattery’s tumblr suggests that her love life prior to the Yak was equally as dismal. Analysis of the tumblr finds that majority of posts consist of photos of couples in varying degrees of vulgarity with a caption from Flattery reading, “need this right now.” Other posts include thin people wearing scarfs and pictures of breakfast taken on white tablecloths. An exclusive interview with the happy couple three weeks after the initial spark that brought them together confirmed that they had met up twice since the initial meeting. “I just feel like these days, people are so grimy. Like do you really want to tell your kids one day that you and dad met on Tindr? No, that’s just not me. Its nice, to have like a real story. Our love
is unique, like us, and our story should reflect that.” Asked if this was the outcome that he had expected when he composed the yak, Schwartz responded, “Actually not at all. You have to be out of your mind to meet up with some stranger who posts on Yik Yak. But this girl did, so that’s cool.” “Well it’s not like I got into a rapey car or anything,” Flattery elaborated. “I just had a feeling. It was like a romantic
connection I had through my phone. It’s not weird.” In a final question, reporters asked Schwartz if he could do it all again, would he have changed anything about that influential Yak. His response was, “Yea well it got four down votes so that kind of sucked, but I guess it got the job done sort of.” “Romeo and Juliet. Jack and Rose. Tara and Josh,” said Flattery. “Thank you Yik Yak!”
GREEK LIFE
FINDING A DATE
FOR FORMAL It’s almost fall here at the University of Kentucky and that means that it’s fraternity formal season. For all of you sorostitutes out there looking to be taken on a weekend-long drunken sabbatical from school, here are a few ways to find yourself a formal date. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
“You’re a fifth of tequila and one themed house party away from figuratively saying ‘fuck it’ and finding a freshman to take you to NOLA.” The hook up: It’s Friday night of fraternity rush and that means a few things: one, don’t throw up on the bus, and two, there will be ample opportunities for you to screw your way into going on formal. Target someone who you’ve had a questionable past with—like that kid you made out with on the date party bus freshman year. When the time is right— which will be that gray area between drunk and “I just spent eight dollars at Red Bang Bang”-- casually walk around the bar until you
spot him. Pretend to wave at someone behind him as you walk past, casually ensuring that your shoulders collide. Throw a “Heeeeeeeeey! How have you been?!?!?” his way and let things progress from there. He went to your high school: You know that kid from your high school who went Greek with you? He’s usually the only one of your high school friends who can relate to the pains and pleasures of Greek life, and knows exactly what you mean when you say, “Ugh, meeting,” or “I wish Dean West would get a freaking life.” This kid is also your formal date in. Text him about a month before formal to see “how things have been” and then somehow work the topic into the conversation. When he realizes where the conversation is headed, threaten to tell everyone how he used to wear graffiti sweat jackets and gold chains freshman year of high school. Being one of the bros: You may be referred to as a groupie from time to time, but who gives a shit? Not you, that’s for sure. Since freshman year you’ve only hung out with that one fraternity, and although they are your only guy friends, you wouldn’t trade them for the world. They treat you like one of the guys, and you’ve on several occasions changed in front of a few of them, forgetting that they
Easy Mixed Drinks for the Broke and Clueless When the Jungle Juice starts looking a little shoddy, what do you do? (Pro tip: drunken urination happens in the worst places. That’s not lemonade.) You could spend $10 on a single mixed drink, or you could whip up your own. Yes, even with your lack of equipment and limited skills, you can make a nice boozy treat. These drinks take no muddling, no shaker, and no previous knowledge.
Rebecca Anderson wrote this
Actually be his girlfriend: You’ve had your formal date secured since Matthew asked you to be his girlfriend that fateful night freshman year in-between shotgunning beers and grinding to Usher’s “Yeah” in some basement on State Street. You’ve had ample time to complete your cooler, and have it planned to the tee. However, your boyfriend better get one thing straight; if he thinks that he doesn’t actually have to ask you in a cute, nice way, just because you’re his girlfriend, he is so. Fucking. Wrong. Oh, and he better find all of your pledge sisters dates or he will be in for one long weekend.
THE TOP TEN
were actually males, and not just some of your girlfriends. You often find yourself the only girl hanging out in the group, passing the bong and watching Netflix, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. Formal without you would just be weird; good luck on deciding who you want to go with, because you’ll have several options. He’s…a pledge: Okay, you got a little desperate. Somehow, you’re finding yourself with no date less than two weeks before formal, and you’re freaking out. You promised yourself you wouldn’t go with a– you can’t even think it-- pledge, but now it’s either keep your dignity or miss out on formal. You’re a fifth of tequila and one themed house party away from figuratively saying “fuck it” and finding a freshman to take you to NOLA. You haven’t been to a pledge party since first semester sophomore year, and as you’re dusting off that bin of themed clothing just remember… Champion’s Court dorm rooms are furnished with Tempur-Pedic mattresses… so shacking with a freshman shouldn’t be that bad, right? So girls, as you’re bonging beers in Myrtle Beach or stumbling down Bourbon Street with a neck covered of beads, just be glad you read this article. And yes, you should have used a second coat of Mod Podge on your cooler because now it’s chipped to shit.
10.) Rum and Coke: The simple rum and Coke is a classic for a reason. Coke can mask the flavor of even some of the worst, gut-rot bottom shelf liquor. Kick it up a notch: Add a lime and now it’s a fancy-sounding Cuba libre. 9.) Hemingway’s Lemonade: Ernest Hemingway, as in the guy you are probably supposed to be reading about right now. Maybe you can spice up that dusty literature with this whiskey and lemonade mix. 8.) Moscow Mule: Vodka, ginger ale, and limes work together to make this light, fizzy drink. Throw the lime wedge in whole – no need to squeeze – no one gives a damn about garnishes when they’re drunk. 7.) Horse’s Neck: This drink is made for Kentucky! Not only does it have an equine name, it uses Kentucky bourbon and Ale-8. We can drink to that. 6.) Screwdriver: Orange juice masks the vodka burn, while allowing us to look like we are being health-conscious by sipping juice in the early afternoon. Kick it up a notch: Use whipped creamflavored vodka for a creamsicle-flavored treat. 5.) Slip-N-Slide: Cherry vodka and limeade tastes like summer in a cup. The tart lime and warm cherry will make you want to knock 10 of these bad boys back before noon and make a white trash Slip-N-Slide out of garbage bags and Crisco. 4.) Tequila Sunrise: Another three-ingredient drink, but it’s oh-so worth it. Ditch the red Solo cup because you’re going to want to see the pretty colors in this one. Layer tequila, orange juice and grenadine in a glass and take a moment of silence for the beauty before you down the glass and up your BAC. 3.) Greyhound: Another simple one, but lots of people love this mix of sweet and tart. This gin and grapefruit juice drink is a little mouth-puckering, so if you are into drinks that taste like diabetes, this isn’t for you. Kick it up a notch: A salted rim transforms this into a salty dog. 2.) Cape Cod: Another classic, and a favorite of suburban moms everywhere. Cranberry juice and vodka is all it takes to make this simple classic. Kick it up a notch: Add an ounce (or two, no judgment) of peach schnapps for what’s formally known as a woo-woo. 1.) Pineapple Upside-Down Cake: We have yet to meet a person who hasn’t loved this. It has three ingredients, but they all can be found on the cheap. You start out with cake-flavored vodka and add pineapple juice. Take a quick drizzle of grenadine around the top of the glass and voila, sweet, sweet boozy perfection. Shekinah Alfaro wrote this
PARTY PICS
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ON THE STREETS IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH ONLY WHAT’S CURRENTLY IN YOUR BACKPACK, WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU WOULD BE STUCK WITH? Sam, Sophomore
“A potato.”
Logan, Sophomore
“A plush Yoshi doll.”
Jared, Junior
“A binder full of Pokémon cards.”
06
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White Student Seizes Opportunity to Prove Non-Racist Bona Fides In African History Class Staff Wrote This
“I thought the professor was just trying to get these notions out of us so we could examine them critically, but now I realize it was all a test,” said freshmen Jessica Lane. “Samantha was the only one who passed, and the rest of us were all racists.”
INTRODUCING COMMUNAL RED SOLO CUP
In an effort to reduce plastic waste, the University of Kentucky announced today that the entire student body will collectively share one red Solo cup. According to reports, the idea for this sustainability initiative came to President Eli Capilouto after watching the infamous “Two Girls One Cup” video, where he was inspired by the girls’ environmentally conscious efforts of sharing a cup.
After the first few weeks of classes, reports indicate that white sophomore Samantha Johnston seized the chance to prove she was not a racist in her Intro to African History course. Johnston, an international relations major, was able to turn several discussions into an exhibition for her racially-progressive worldview. Sources say that on the first day of class, during which the professor asked the students what stereotypes came to mind when they thought of Africa, Johnston replied, “Well, I think Africa is too big and too diverse to label as just one thing,” causing the other students who had answered “hot” and “a lot of wildlife” to feel intense shame.
UK LAUNCHES NEW SUSTAINABILITY PROGRAM BY
“There will be a Solo cup stored at the bell tower dome of Memorial Hall. Party hosts must make the trek to the top and bring the cup back to their party,” Director of Sustainable Affairs Shirley Heartwood explained. The cup must travel from party to party and room to room, and whoever is drinking during the night must only drink from this cup, sources say. After a long debate, the Sustainable Affairs department decided to vote against ever washing the cup. “We don’t want our drinking water to be contaminated with phosphates and other chemicals from soaps,” Heartwood said. Over the next several lectures, Johnston reportedly continued to shore up her non-racist bona fides, at one point going out of her way to incorporate a reference to Martin Luther King, Jr. in a discussion on ancient Egypt. Later, she mentioned the Chadian capital of N’Djamena, which she made sure to pronounce very deliberately while shooting a smile at the professor. Witnesses at the scene say that Johnson followed this up by commenting that Western society tries to “deprive the African-Americans who built the Pyramids of their heritage,” and then looked around at her black classmates for approval.
After passing from the grounds of frat basements, the mouths of horny house party guests, and the lips of that one girl who you might suspect has herpes, the last student who drank from the cup must make the same climb to the top of Memorial Hall in the early hours of the morning, where it acts as a bastion of squirrel waste during the day. The Sustainable Affairs department and Student Health department have released a joint statement clarifying that they aren’t responsible for any herpes infections that may be caused from the cup. They added: “If a student does show any symptoms, we’re going to ignore them, like always, and just test him or her for strep and mono -- normal procedure.” Staff Wrote This
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AROUND CAMPUS
The Lecture Games:
Spotting “That Guy” in Your Intro Courses We all have our own special definitions of “that guy.” You know, that guy who rocks mandals with socks, or that guy who declares himself the unofficial Spotify DJ at parties. Since you’re out of the lovely grace period known as the first couple weeks of classes, you’ll need to find an engaging way to further blow off your impending midterms. Treat this exercise of locating “that guy” as simple game of Where’s Waldo?, where the objective is to both find Waldo and restrain your desire to punch him square in the fucking jaw. How to Spot “That Guy” in… Film Classes: “That guy” in your Intro to Popular Film class will jump out of his seat as soon as your instructor mentions Pulp Fiction, literally any Kubrick flick, or “obscure indie gems” like the works of Wes Anderson. Always using the word “film” instead of “movie,” this guy will go out of his way during discussion to assert his Wikipediaentry knowledge about anything off
of AFI’s Top 100 Movies list as well as his own brilliant commentary on how everything relates back to an existentialist struggle (but, like, in a really meta way, man). If a movie has below a 59% on Rotten Tomatoes, don’t bother bringing it up; it’s already objectively shit in his eyes. Also Known as: Cinephile, “Amateur Filmmaker” Memorable Quotes: - “Did you know that Tarantino’s movies are all linked within the same universe? I’m thinking of writing my thesis on it.” - “Seriously, Citizen Kane isn’t that good.” Computer Science Classes: As soon as he left the opening night showing of The Social Network, “that guy” from Intro to Coding knew he and his ego were destined for big things in cyberspace. Armed with both basic script “hacking” abilities he used to troll strangers with as well as four years of being the token pompous braniac in high school AP classes, this guy scoffs at anyone who can’t comprehend the
sophistication of coding in Excel. In case anyone’s wondering, yes, he does know a thing or two about SSDs and microprocessors, as he’ll remind the entire class frequently and out loud. Don’t piss him off, though… some say he’s part of that scary group of super-hackers, Anonymous… Also Known as: Diehard Android Enthusiast, IT Guy Memorable Quotes: - “Oh, VBA? Yeah, I used to toy around with that in middle school…” - “I’m thinking of working for Google or Microsoft after graduating. Maybe Facebook if I really have to…” Business Classes: Already snarky to the bone and ready to take capitalism by the horns, a shiteating grin and a raging hard-on for corporate buzzwords are staples for “that guy” in Management and Organizational Behavior. Dressed to impress exactly like every other shill at job fairs hoping to work for John Deere, the Waldo on Wall Street
can usually be found front row in a 300-person lecture intently jotting down PowerPoint notes verbatim that will directly translate to a sixfigure entry position post-college. If that doesn’t work out, he’ll at least have his Kickstarted startup to fall back on. What kind of startup? Don’t ask silly questions, you unemployable liberal arts urchin! Also Known as: “Founder of (apparel redistribution company)” on Facebook, LinkedIn Premium User Memorable Quotes: - “What? No, it’s not about the money at all. I legitimately do enjoy corporate policy and business infrastructure… really...” - “I already told you I’m going into entrepreneurship after college. Why would I need to be any more specific than that?” English/Creative Writing Classes: Probably the most aptly dressed “that guy” on the list, the vintage books that this student raves about are almost as outdated as his two-sizes-too-large trench
coat/vest combo. Spanning across both Intro to Pop. Lit and Intro to Narrative Writing domains, this guy took the publishing of his “coming-of-age” short story in his high school’s literary magazine a little too seriously. Destined to become the next Hemingway, Chuck Palahniuk, Cormac McCarthy, or an insufferably pretentious combination of all three, this guy heartily laughs at the idea of settling for a teaching degree. When he’s not cherrypicking phallic symbols or socialist imagery, he’ll be sitting in the back of the class with his Moleskine working on his novel/ screenplay. Just don’t try to give him constructive criticism during a workshop seminar – you just don’t get his artistic vision, okay?
Also Known as: Self-proclaimed (Unpublished) Writer, Selfpublished Blogger Memorable Quotes: - “I appreciate your comments, but I just think those changes compromise my stylistic choices.” - “Why are professor’s still teaching hacks like Jane Austen and not V for Vendetta?” You “win” if: You’ve managed to pass ten minutes of your time searching for “that guy,” finding him, and letting out a small “heh” before spacing out in class again. You “lose” if: You feel a selfglorifying surge of superiority after locating “that guy.” In which case, get over yourself, prick.
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Any cold beer • Favorite Shot: Jim Beam • Disgusting Drink: Tequila What aspect of bartending are you better at than any other bartender and why?: Having a good time. I love good times! Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false? Explain: “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker.” Don’t be weak, just learn how to hold your liquor. Besides M&M’s, what else melts in your mouth and not your hand?: That’s a secret. What are granny panties good for?: NOTHING. If we invented a word right now — say “spladawnt” what would you say it means?: A dirty sexual maneuver. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, who’s face would you wear and why?: Beyonce. Everyone loves Beyonce.
MIKE of TIN ROOF
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: The Black Sheep is the best paper in town!
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
PACK THE PLACE
COLD SPAGHETTIOS
Alright, we’re about a month into the school year, and your life is starting to fall into a dangerous routine. All you want is to just go back to Syllabus Week and relive your glory days of partying, but now all you find yourself doing is rewatching lectures in your underwear with only Papa John at your side. This is when you realize what you need to break out of the slump: it’s time to pack the place.
Remember all those times as a child when you burnt your G$D D@#N LIP on a bowl of hot SpaghettiOs? Why make the same mistake twice? This week’s Recipe for Disaster will teach you all about fixing your mistakes and making them taste good while you’re at it.
What You’ll Need: An apartment, a cell phone, music, a Tinder account, a lot of booze. Number of Players: Just you and the whole world, baby! Level of Intoxication: Too drunk to realize you’re alone.
What You’ll Need: A can of SpaghettiOs, a microwave (just to look at, longingly), a spoon, bag of ice, a lot of air in your lungs. Fatty Factor: Who cares? It doesn’t hurt anymore!
How to Play: - Realize that you’ve been bored for three weeks, decide to throw a banger. - Start drinking. IMMEDIATELY. - Text everyone you know and tell them to come over. - Lie to everyone who responds and tell them there’s a ton of people already over. - When one person actually shows up, try to make them feel like a party is going on by increasing the volume of your music. - When that person leaves, use Tinder to drunkenly invite strangers over. - When you realize no one is coming – not even your roommates – drink everything you bought for the big party that never happened. - Make a mess so when you wake up you think a bunch of people were there.
Let’s Get Baked: - Open your can of SpaghettiOs and pour the contents in a bowl. - Place cling wrap over the top of the bowl and place it in your microwave. - Unplug your microwave and wait two and a half minutes. - Remove the cling wrap from the SpaghettiOs. -Let the SpaghettiOs cool down for 5-7 minutes. - Place desired number of ice cubes on top of exposed SpaghettiOs. - Drink or chew your bowl of SpaghettiOs.
The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning thinking your dream about having people over last night was a reality and you go about your day with a smile on your face.
Did you burn your mouth? Didn’t think so. Look at how you’ve grown!
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BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING
ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to be Secret Character in New Super Smash Bros. Game PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS hrough an anonymous source at Nintendo, The Black Sheep was able to confirm that Abu Bakr alBaghdadi, the Caliph of the terrorist organization known as the Islamic State, will appear as a secret character in Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U. The Islamic State, known colloquially as ISIS or ISIL, is a rebel organization with roots in Iraq as a splinter group from al-Qaeda. Super Smash Brothers, referred to often as SSB, is a video game for children. Known for their brutal techniques and mass executions, ISIS, lead by al-Baghdadi, has taken over much of Iraq and has started to usurp Syria as well, murdering thousands in every town they capture under the guise of Jihad. Known for its use of cartoon characters, Super Smash Bros. is popular with children and young teenagers. Our source has also informed us of the nature of al-Baghdadi’s character. “He’s a horrible man, psychotic. He’s amassed an astounding amount of power in such a short time and his crimes are definitely worthy of international intervention. Oh, like his character in the game? Oh, he’s adorable. He’s like an angry Dr. Mario.” Allegedly his game character will be similar to the character Pokémon Trainer, which doesn’t personally attack other characters, but rather has three Pokémon that do attacks for him. “But instead of Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard, there’s three militants,” our source told us. “One of them is a Fallujah native who was forced to fight for a rebel cause after his city was captured, one is an al-Qaeda defector, and one of them is just fourteen.” For this Easter egg, the developers have reportedly spared no details in making the character as complete and accurate as possible. “Every character has their special attack; the one where you smash the special rainbow-glowing thing and then your character does this crazy thing that kills everyone except for you. So, for him, there’s just a wave of thirty-thousand militants that rush in and capture all the other characters until the end of the game. And that’s just the end of the game. It’s actually not that fun. But then again, neither is Syria.” This story comes in a trend within the gaming community of combining current events into video games. Electronic Arts issued a press release Wednesday regarding an expanded special edition of their August release, Madden 15. The special edition was reported to include a mini-game in the style of Street Fighter, a break from their style of sport-based mode of play, in which players fight as NFL players against their wives. “The Madden franchise has always sought to recreate the true football experience,” the press release read, “and we feel that we could not truly deliver this without allowing players to connect with this crime that runs so rampant throughout the National Football League.”
he gameplay is simple: players relentlessly beat their spouses and partners who have nowhere near the strength to defend themselves against professional athletes while NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, stands there and pretends not to see anything. Popular characters included Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Ray McDonald. Rumors that OJ Simpson will appear for this addendum are also circulating, but probably won’t be confirmed until release. Players can also play as any of the other NFL players who were arrested for domestic violence since 2009, including Quincy Enunwa, AJ Jefferson, Daryl Washington, Amari Spievey, Leroy Hill, Chris Rainey, Ryan Sands, Bryan Thomas, Chad Johnson, Dez Bryant, Erik Walden, Chris Cook, Brandon Underwood, Kevin Alexander, Philip Merling, Will Smith, Leroy Hill again, Toby McDaniel, Jermaine Phillips, Will Billingsley, Richard Quinn, Shawn Merriman, Quinn Ojinnaka, Cornell Green, and Brandon Marshall. Rockstar Games, which is best known for publishing the Grand Theft Auto franchise, has also been taking similar steps with its upcoming rerelease of GTA V for the PS4 and Xbox One. Rumors circulating gaming magazines and blogs have speculated about drastic changes to the setup of the difficulty of the latest edition.
ate September 18th, Congress approved President Obama’s plan to equip Syrian rebels, possibly leading to another ground insurgency by the U.S. Military in the Middle East. Following the trend, a response from the video game community was quickly offered, but, surprisingly, it was not from any of the multitude of war-based games on the market. Rovio, the company behind the popular phone game Angry Birds, announced at a press conference that it would start the rushed production of Angry Birds: Syria. The premise of the game follows the details of preexisting game with slight changes to fit the insurgency: birds, in a slingshot, attack green cartoon pigs, in structures. One minor alteration will be that as opposed to piles of wood and stone, the cartoon pigs would be hiding within the already-decrepit buildings that constitute Syria’s failing infrastructure. Though the announcement was very recent, a large amount of criticism has befallen the game, citing many flaws in its conception. Less than one hour after the press conference, blogger Michael Douglas released his response, writing “Rovio has not released any details as to the length of the Syria episode, nor has it announced a clear objective. Also, a storyline built on current events like this does not lend itself to a conclusion, which is very necessary for the developers. This is all beside the fact that depicting Muslims as pigs is
“The GTA games always aim to be as realistic as possible, despite the fact that you can punch people until they die in broad daylight and it’s just an average Tuesday,” commented IGN writer, Jason Wright. “So the rumors going around, which possibly could have been leaked by Rockstar itself, is that the difficulty settings will actually have concrete differences on the appearance of both the character and the surroundings.” Essentially, should a player select “hard mode,” the character will have a dark complexion and be born into a much lower socioeconomic class in which crime, discrimination, government negligence, and police brutality run rampant. “It’s an amazing concept,” Wright added. “It’s like the developers were able to come up with a social hierarchy in which youths are systematically put at a disadvantage and judged for these preexisting conditions, thus attracting police attention and unwarranted brutality. I have no idea how they came up with it.” The expanded game is also expected to include an expert-only “Ferguson, Missouri” level, in which the player starts the level with no weapons and four stars (on a scale of one to five, stars are an indication of how “wanted” a player is). “The details on the Ferguson level are honestly pretty fuzzy,” Wright said. “It’s all based on rumor. Allegedly the only weapon you get is a pack of Skittles. Beats me,” he said, shrugging.
offensive not only to their culture but also to the ground insurgents who risk their lives in this mission. The game doesn’t even sound fun.” Despite coming under heavy fire, Rovio has been strong in its position. “Hey, maybe it won’t be fun. But neither is Syria,” said a representative. “The frustration towards us is misplaced. Most of the criticism can be brought down to this: we don’t know how long the project will take, we have no exit strategy, and no one else approves of what we’re doing. When has anyone ever considered these things when entering the Middle East?” It is unclear how long this trend will last, or if it is permanent. Jason Wright said, “The evolving nature of our world means that these real-life events and these fantasy escapes are going to intersect. Who knows what sort of releases we will see in the coming years. Fantasy Congress? A real-life Fallout? The polluted, radiated sky is the limit.” Among this trend, though, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s appearance is by far the largest. The leaked news has been met with overwhelmingly positive praise from casual gamers and writers alike. A representative from ISIS declined to comment.
THE BACK PAGE
There are 8 differences in this totally rad Katy Perry music video. Can you find them all? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
THE BACK PAGE
the WALK THROUGH CAMPUS madlib ___1___ is so alive in the fall! Just walking around campus and smelling the ___2___s and leftover ___3___, seeing the freshman skanks with their ___4___’s exposed groping the ___5___-year-old locals - god, they’re so cool - hearing the roar of the ___6___ bottles rolling into the gutter… I just love it all! As I walk past the bars, I just can’t help but feel a tingle in my ___7___ at the thought of finally downing a___8___ with a ___9___ and a ___10___ beer-back. Once I turn 21, everything will change. Sure, I could get a fake ID, but with this baby face, who’d believe it? Plus it’s so much better to wait, right? That’s pretty much my philosophy on everything, at least that’s what my mom wants me to do. Seeing all the lecture halls brimming with kids in front of their computers, reading up on ___11___, watching ___12___ do the Ice Bucket Challenge and seeing the hundreds of pictures of ___13___’s baby - who just turned three! - really gets me excited to hit up my remedial math class. I love creeping, er, watching over the shoulder of that cute ___14___ as she scrolls through page after page of Tumblr; I feel like I’m really getting to know her. Who needs math anyway? I’m an ___15___ after all! Finally flopping down on my lofted bed in ___16___ after a long day of learning is the icing on the cake of a classic college day. Hitting up ___17___ with my ___18___-loving roommate is always a highlight, mostly because we get high (heh) off of his sick ___19___ and then light (heh) a doobie on the walk over there, and just go hard on some ___20___ and ___21___. Freshman 15, my butt! It’s really these simple days that make me appreciate how badass it is going to ___22___. So maybe I’ll spend another night watching ___23___ and hangin’ with my floor mates, but it’s all about the memories, man, all about the memories.
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