The Black Sheep
yo free u g ... et like in “se the x i con na d sa om ck s ”b ag s.
Vol. 2, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/19/13 - 9/25/13
The Day kentucky
Opened a Strip Club BY: C Weaver Two weeks into the fall semester, two freshmen decided to take a break from the sweltering Kentucky heat by relaxing in the shade on the Amphitheatre steps. “Dude, it’s yoga pants central over here,” said Pimple-Faced Freshman A to Pimple-Faced Freshman B. “This campus can’t get any more awesome.” A wise old senior sitting two rows in front of them overheard this conversation and decided to chime in. “You guys have no idea how incredible this campus once was. Have you ever heard about the day UK opened a strip club?” And so began the tale of the best summer Central Kentucky has ever seen. It was a time when women thought high-waisted shorts were a good idea, Breaking Bad was in its prime, and “Call Me Maybe” was still a catchy tune. The corporate tools at the University of Kentucky sat around a table, desperate to find more ways to simultaneously please the donors while getting more money from the students. Plans for Haggin Hall were already in motion but it wouldn’t be ready to make any money for quite some time, so they were frantically debating how to quickly bring in more cash. After exhausting every idea, Bill, the half-drunken half-horny head of the financial department decided that it was time for UK to open its first ever strip club. “The girls are already practically naked around campus and the boys are so horny that they’ll spend every dollar of their parents’ money to see a pair of tits,” said Bill. It was the perfect idea, so they immediately began putting up flyers to advertise “Pussy Cats” — the brand new, full frontal strip club to open across from White Hall. The first poster wasn’t even up for five minutes before three boys instantaneously wet themselves, two had a heart attack on the spot, and thirteen went back onto MyUK in order to accept the loans they previously declined. Staffing the place wasn’t an issue as UK is full of gorgeous women who are so in debt that they wouldn’t bat an eye at having to take their clothes off in front of dozens of men for money. Hell, they usually do that for free at every big frat party anyway. Not long after the plans for Pussy Cats were put into motion, a few advisors from each college were set aside and trained for Pussy recruitment duty. This consisted of weeding through a list of recent dropouts and scoring their level of bangableness using a precisely calibrated scale. Upon passing this challenge, the hot dropouts were then directed to Pussy Cats and convinced that this would be their
page 4
only shot at having a future. The corporate tools even found a new way to milk more money from the students by offering one credit hour pole dancing classes. Two weeks later, Pussy Cats and all of its employees were ready to open. Each girl wore a card machine on her leg while she danced, as Pussy Cats was UK-friendly and eagerly accepted Flex and Plus accounts for payments and tips. Students could now enjoy a lap dance or two on those pesky breaks between classes that are too short to go home, and too public to look at porn. It was a happy, peaceful time at UK; there were no riots, no car flipping, and no foot stabbers. The girls made extra money and the boys were never seen on
campus without a shit eating grin on their face. Unfortunately for the thousands of happy students, the Christians rallied and it was quickly shut down, despite all the efforts of the Secular Student Alliance. “Now, the two of you boys probably won’t see a pair of tits until you finally convince your mom that Déjà Vu is just a French movie store.” The senior got up and walked away, leaving the two freshman wondering whether it was all a load of bullshit, but hoping that one day they too could spend their Flex dollars for a pair of boobs in their face between classes.
page 5
Operation Central Hall
You’re not a true Wildcat until you’ve suffered in a real dorm.
A Day in The Life of A Bike Cop
It ain’t fabulous, but it’s a living
Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com
page 11
Bartender of the Week
Jessica from Campus Pub in NOT part of the Illuminati. We repeat, she is not.