The Black Sheep
yo free u g ... et like in “se the x i con na d sa om ck s ”b ag s.
Vol. 2, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/19/13 - 9/25/13
The Day kentucky
Opened a Strip Club BY: C Weaver Two weeks into the fall semester, two freshmen decided to take a break from the sweltering Kentucky heat by relaxing in the shade on the Amphitheatre steps. “Dude, it’s yoga pants central over here,” said Pimple-Faced Freshman A to Pimple-Faced Freshman B. “This campus can’t get any more awesome.” A wise old senior sitting two rows in front of them overheard this conversation and decided to chime in. “You guys have no idea how incredible this campus once was. Have you ever heard about the day UK opened a strip club?” And so began the tale of the best summer Central Kentucky has ever seen. It was a time when women thought high-waisted shorts were a good idea, Breaking Bad was in its prime, and “Call Me Maybe” was still a catchy tune. The corporate tools at the University of Kentucky sat around a table, desperate to find more ways to simultaneously please the donors while getting more money from the students. Plans for Haggin Hall were already in motion but it wouldn’t be ready to make any money for quite some time, so they were frantically debating how to quickly bring in more cash. After exhausting every idea, Bill, the half-drunken half-horny head of the financial department decided that it was time for UK to open its first ever strip club. “The girls are already practically naked around campus and the boys are so horny that they’ll spend every dollar of their parents’ money to see a pair of tits,” said Bill. It was the perfect idea, so they immediately began putting up flyers to advertise “Pussy Cats” — the brand new, full frontal strip club to open across from White Hall. The first poster wasn’t even up for five minutes before three boys instantaneously wet themselves, two had a heart attack on the spot, and thirteen went back onto MyUK in order to accept the loans they previously declined. Staffing the place wasn’t an issue as UK is full of gorgeous women who are so in debt that they wouldn’t bat an eye at having to take their clothes off in front of dozens of men for money. Hell, they usually do that for free at every big frat party anyway. Not long after the plans for Pussy Cats were put into motion, a few advisors from each college were set aside and trained for Pussy recruitment duty. This consisted of weeding through a list of recent dropouts and scoring their level of bangableness using a precisely calibrated scale. Upon passing this challenge, the hot dropouts were then directed to Pussy Cats and convinced that this would be their
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only shot at having a future. The corporate tools even found a new way to milk more money from the students by offering one credit hour pole dancing classes. Two weeks later, Pussy Cats and all of its employees were ready to open. Each girl wore a card machine on her leg while she danced, as Pussy Cats was UK-friendly and eagerly accepted Flex and Plus accounts for payments and tips. Students could now enjoy a lap dance or two on those pesky breaks between classes that are too short to go home, and too public to look at porn. It was a happy, peaceful time at UK; there were no riots, no car flipping, and no foot stabbers. The girls made extra money and the boys were never seen on
campus without a shit eating grin on their face. Unfortunately for the thousands of happy students, the Christians rallied and it was quickly shut down, despite all the efforts of the Secular Student Alliance. “Now, the two of you boys probably won’t see a pair of tits until you finally convince your mom that Déjà Vu is just a French movie store.” The senior got up and walked away, leaving the two freshman wondering whether it was all a load of bullshit, but hoping that one day they too could spend their Flex dollars for a pair of boobs in their face between classes.
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Operation Central Hall
You’re not a true Wildcat until you’ve suffered in a real dorm.
A Day in The Life of A Bike Cop
It ain’t fabulous, but it’s a living
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page 11
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OPeration
Central Hall By: Shauntionne Mosley When living in either Kirwan or Blanding Tower no one can ever get used to the massive amounts of tomfoolery that come with those dorms. Fire drills are hell for those who live on any floor above the tenth, you’ll catch every bacterial infection from the showers, and have to brace yourself for bonding with the people in the elevator while it chugs along going up one floor at a time. However, the new central campus dorms look like more a Hilton Resort in Cabo than a true freshman Wildcat lair. The Black Sheep judo chopped some skinny freshman to steal his key to investigate new Central Hall, and this is what we found. After properly welcoming that poor freshman to UK, we snuck into the new, luxurious hall. For it to be so well lit on the outside it was dark once we entered. Suddenly, our fellow writer bumped into what had to be a dainty little table. But how could that be? At Kirwan there’s barley any room to squeeze into the front door without bumping into some angry Wing Zone delivery guy going through a midlife crisis, but at Central Hall there’s an actual lobby equipped with brand new couches, hardwood floors, and cute little bowls filled with plastic fruit. In Kirwan we make do with the doll house furniture that comes with the dorm. Where was Eli when we were freshmen?
“A Wildcat dorm is not a Wildcat dorm without a sloppy drawing of someone’s private parts.” Anyway, while some writers stayed in the lobby and watched clips from past UK basketball games on the flat screen, others decided to go into the actual dorms. In doing this we started roaming through the staircase and noticed that there wasn’t a single amateur drawing of a hairy penis in sight, which slightly depressed us.
Not only do these fresh out of high school jerks have no idea what a struggle is, but they’re also uncultured newbs. A Wildcat dorm is not a Wildcat dorm without a sloppy drawing of someone’s private parts. So just like the MichelangelNos we are, we drew a nice rack right at the front entrance of the staircase. You’re so welcome. Finally, the dorm rooms themselves. We slithered on in to the ole’ boy’s dorm using his ID and immediately noticed the separate bathrooms. Never will they have to worry about some sorority broad on a Rihanna kick who just “wants to bring out her tan” by dying her hair communist red and leaving the dye everywhere, leading the whole floor to think someone got murdered. Nope, they’re living the life by getting to poop as loud as they want while the rest of us had to wiggle around a little and blow our noses to cover up the sound of the splash. Before we left we made sure to take a dump in each toilet so the freshmen knew what it was like to walk into a bathroom that reeks of poor sanitary habits. The future of this fine institution is in the hands of bouji, spoiled rotten freshmen. This is Wildcat country, ladies and gentlemen, and if we ever want it to stay that way you have to get a little rough. Yes it’s true that Kirwan and Blanding Tower can be compared to a penitentiary, but at the end of the day it made us the independent badasses we are. Many in UK17 will never know.
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A Day in The Life of
The
Top
Ten a bike cop
Tips for Surviving the Dorm Bathrooms By: Black sheep staff
It’s no surprise when people say that the dorms suck. You have virtually no privacy, the food tastes like something your cat threw up, and you have RAs who act like camp counselors. These are unavoidable. However, there is one thing you claim as your own and make tolerable: the bathrooms. Here’s how: 10.) Don’t hog the mirror: You don’t need to fix your makeup in the bathroom every five minutes. In fact, you have one in your own room. If you really need to look at yourself every second, it might be time to hop on over to the store and invest in a vanity mirror. 9.) Clean up after yourself: It’s common knowledge that freshmen can’t hold their liquor. When the inevitable does happen, and again, it will, clean it up. If you make the poor janitor mop up your vodka and lemonade spew you won’t be getting toilet paper next week. 8.) Don’t look into other peoples’ rooms from the bathroom window: Imagine you’re sitting at your desk minding your own business and suddenly you see a pale face staring at you while drying their hands. It’s creepy. Keep your eyes in the bathroom. 7.) Don’t look into the bathroom window from your room: This is just as wrong. If you have the opportunity to look into the bathroom from your room, don’t do it! You’re not going to see magical pillow fights or boobs. You will see someone picking their nose in the mirror. It’s not worth it. 6.) Don’t use the bathroom for gossiping: This isn’t high school. Also, no one can do their business while listening to your whiny voice complain about how sad your sex life is. This is a private conversation that, if held publicly, will end up with you getting the lights turned out on you the next time you take a shower.
By: Shelby Bevins It’s a life, no doubt. People might think I’m different from a typical police officer just because I ride a bike rather than cruise around in a big, white, imposing Charger with an obnoxious Wildcat crudely painted on the side. But really, there isn’t a difference other than the size of my wheels, and frankly I see the truer side of Lexington as I get in the way of the traffic on Waller, more then my colleagues. Yeah, I get flak from both people on the force and the general public. They tend to make fun of my bike, saying “a real cop doesn’t need a helmet or knee pads,” or “real cops pursue the enemy on foot” or “real cops don’t tape cards to their spokes to make it sound like they’re riding a motorcycle.” Once, some of the boys put a bell on my bike when I was eating at Krispy Kreme, and when I came out I found them jeering at me and ringing that bell relentlessly. How I wanted to shove that bell up their asses, but vengeance isn’t the way of us bike cops. We roll at a more zen level.
5.) If you have to poop, wait until the bathroom is empty: No one wants to hear you poop. It’s gross, and it makes people uncomfortable. If you need to take a twosie wait until the bathroom is empty to do it. And if you walk in and see that someone is in a stall, just leave and avoid getting yourself into an awkward poop standoff. 4.) Don’t talk to people on the toilet: Nobody makes friends on the toilet. Using the bathroom is a very personal time to look at Twitter and see if anyone has posted about you on the UofM Secret Admirers page. Don’t ruin someone’s alone time! There isn’t much of it in the dorms. 3.) Don’t sing in the shower: No one can hose the porcelain while someone else is belting “Titanium” ten feet away. This isn’t Pitch Perfect. Naked people are not going to exclaim about how amazing you are when you do this. If you are really intent on everyone hearing your falsetto join AcoustiKats. Everyone loves them, and you won’t freak out any nervous pooers.
They ridicule my riding shorts as well, saying I look like Richard Simmons with a fanny pack. This doesn’t just come from my “friends on the force,” but from members of the various Greek tailgates as well. I was asked if I was on Reno 911 once by a stoned college kid down on Waller Avenue. I didn’t know what he was talking about until he got out his phone and showed me. But that couldn’t sway me from wearing my spandex shorts and aviator glasses. They make me a lean, mean bike riding machine, able to bike down even the fastest of jaywalkers. Sometimes you have to be in hot pursuit when a miscreant tries to flee. I can weave through traffic and alleys and intercept the offender before anyone has a chance to pop in a mint and put on their best “I haven’t been drinking since 9 a.m.” face. I’m more fit than any other cop you’ll have to face. I go up and down State Street enough that it equals out to 50 miles a day. So you can make fun of me all you want, but you’re actually just jealous about how good I look in these ass huggers. Me and this fine ass are the ones laughing at you as you practically fall asleep on Tolly Ho’s counter ordering your Mega Ho. Despite the ridicule and the disrespect I receive, I still find this the most satisfying job in the whole world. I have a sworn duty to uphold the law and justice, if by law and justice you mean writing up bullshit public intoxication charges in K-Lot on game day. You are never in more capable hands than mine; those hands just so happen to be wrapped around some handlebars.
2.) Invest in a bathrobe or towel to wrap up in: People want to see tiny freshman dong about as much as they want to see old man dong at the gym. Cover up. 1.) DON’T MASTURBATE: As the signs in Frontier Hall so eloquently state, do not use the bathroom as your cum dumpster. It clogs up the drains, and nobody wants to deal with that sticky situation. Leave that for the tissues in your room.
05
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you were to pen an R&B song about the time you lost your virginity, what would it be titled? r Kelsie, Junio
“Wait, We Can’t Do This Here!”
r Tony, Junio
“You’re About to Receive the Slappage Package”
r Jess, Senio
“I’m About to Change Your Life”
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How to: Make Good Conversation By: Black sheep staff Carrying on a quality conversation is not a skill everybody has. Some people are too shy to talk at all, while there are others who try to turn everything into a discussion about Game of Thrones. By now, you’ve definitely gone to your fair share of parties and events here at UK, but you were probably pretty awkward at all of them. So, it seems only worthwhile to briefly review kindergarten-level social skills in order to ride out the semester on a strong note. After all, making good conversation is an ability that will get you far in life—married, employed, all that jazz. Let us first examine what makes good conversation with your roommate. Whether you’re a freshman living in the dorms or a super senior living at a not-as-super apartment, it’s essential to be able to talk well with your roommate. They’re usually the closest friend you have in college and if you want to keep it that way, communication is vital. That’s why you should feel comfortable talking with your roommate about anything. Anything, that is, except for masturbation habits. Pretty much all possible topics of conversation between roommates are encouraged except how often you jerk the gherkin, because the answer to that is a mutually understood “a helluva lot.” And it would be really weird to hear that he does it, like, when you’re asleep or on your bed when you’re at class. Parties are another scenario to consider. There’s really no better place to socialize with other individuals than in a loud, dark, crowded, disgustingly hot apartment. But at a party, you want to keep conversations short and simple. Many people there have only a loose grip on reality, so you should keep your discussion basic when you’re conversing with the shitfaced. “What major are you in? Psychology? Do you have classes in the Psych Building? Cool!” And move on. Moreover, the music at frat parties tends to be loud, so don’t say anything that can be easily
misconstrued. You never want to talk about how you “practice sax with children” when your voice can barely be heard. Then you have the dilemma of talking in class. Contrary to all the scolding you used to get in high school, class is actually a good place to talk with friends … sometimes. Obviously, if you’re in an ordinary classroom, you’ll look like a jackass for making small talk during class. If you’re in the Memorial Hall, though, and nobody’s paying much attention anyway, then what the hell, go for it. The larger the room, the less likely the teacher is to call you out for talking and then spend the next ten minutes talking about people talking. Discussion sections are another story. Just shut up and try not to fall asleep. You also may wish to have a conversation at the Johnson Center, instead of the usual grunting and heavy breathing. Beware: The average person appears 10 times more bang-able merely by being in a gym environment, so anything you say other than “Are you done with that machine yet?” is, in all likelihood, going to come across as flirtation. Even the slightest “Hey” has heavy sexual undertones whilst working out, especially after putting down some weights and wiping sweat from your brow. In retrospect, gyms aren’t always the best places for chit-chat if you want to be genuine, but they’re a great place to get a cheap phone number for a Two Keys happy hour date. When it comes to conversation itself, you should have a healthy variety of subjects to discuss in any conversation. If you find yourself lacking things to talk about, you can share various fun facts that you’ve read. Those are usually interesting: “Did you know that hitting your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour?” Bam, consider your conversation started.
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Also consider yourself a freak because the person you’re talking to does. Of course, you should avoid talking about a given topic multiple times with the same person. There’s no point to having the same discussion twice, especially if it’s about how banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Plus you just sound like a doofus when you repeat jokes to someone. We recommend opening an Excel file and listing all potential subjects of conversation in the top row and all the people you know in the first column. Under this system, you can check off the appropriate cells after each conversation. It’s a great idea for people who have both a bad memory and way too much free time. Ending conversations can be tough, though. After having talked for so long, you sort of run out of things to say, so you often just have to let it end abruptly.
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Picking Up Sicklings Outside The UK Health Center By: Black SHeep Staff Within the newly deemed “North Campus” lies a magical, albeit pregnancy-obsessed free clinic known as Olin Health Center. It’s the place where predominantly freshmen go when they are desperately seeking a doctor’s note to get out of that first CHE 105 exam, the exam that weeds most freshies out of premed and into communications. Little do they know, upon request the UK physicians will chastise their sick, fornicating souls, and only the lucky ones will escape intimately clutching the one note to rule them all. What the UK Health Center lacks in medical prowess, it makes up for in its “sickling” population, making it the perfect pick up destination for those seeking a younger, questionably more infectious prey than the classy dames one would find at good old Great Bagel. You may be asking yourself why is the Health Center such a great place to find someone to tickle my pickle? And to answer that, we turn to some classic, tell tale signs that ensure the highest of hook-up success rates. Vulnerability: Okay, so there’s no guarantee that a Health Center sickling is going to have daddy issues or just have broken up with the hindrance that is a long time high school boyfriend or girlfriend back home. But for the majority of these approximately 18-year-old sicklings, they will have just recently severed ties with mommy and daddy and have very little idea of how to nurse themselves back to health. That’s not to say us Van Wilders in our mid-twenties know anything about taking proper care of ourselves or others — if we actually still have a dentist we haven’t been to see him in years, we often use borrowed student loan money to pay off other borrowed money, and many of us may have not even been able to keep a Chia Pet alive let alone a pet or another human. However, confidence is key, and luring a vulnerable sickling to
your pad under the pretense of nursing him or her back to health allows for the possibility of undressing followed by four to seven minutes of grunting. Finally, throw some dirt on that open gash and “promise” a follow-up appointment in the next two to three weeks. Desperation: One thing we have to love about the sicklings is the desperate state in which they find themselves. Let’s look at an example. Take what we’ll call “Sickling A.” Sickling A goes to the Health Center for a moderate to severe head cold that has prevented her from attending her dish room shift in the cafeteria. The bitter, old human resources rep tells Sickling A she needs to obtain a doctor’s note to avoid “possible termination.” Poor, little, naive Sickling A believes if she were to get fired from the caf she’d never find another job, have to move back in with her parents, and life would cease to exist as she knows it. The only possible solution is to get some treatment and a doctor’s note from the Health Center. Upon arrival, she is unwillingly tested for pregnancy, gonorrhea, and HIV. After she insists none of this is necessary and specifically details symptoms of a head cold, the physician decides to give her a pelvic exam. He refuses to give her a doctor’s note and sends her off with some penicillin. That’s where you come in. Sickling A is frustrated and needs to work off some anger in the form of some cardiovascular, junkto-junk activity. Plus, you can be certain she’s clean and chocked full of antibiotics. Self-Esteem Issues: We’ll admit it — the Health Center is no Johnson Center where you can take your pick from a slew of skinny girls who think they’re fat. But what the Health Center lacks in starving females, it makes up for in those seeking validation. Chances are if a hood rat has an appointment at the Health Center and isn’t really sick and
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doesn’t really need a doctor’s note, he or she is far too health obsessed, has Munchausen’s, or is simply a hypochondriac. Granted, how crazy compared to how hot a potential lay is must be considered, but we’ll assume if you’re in the presence of an eight or higher, an imagined “inner ear problem” isn’t that big of a deal. So lay the moves on that screwball, and let that screwball lay on you… or, more realistically, take their crazy out on you while you lean back and enjoy the probably sadomasochistic ride. No matter what combination and degree of vulnerability, desperation, and self-esteem issues of the sickling you pick up outside the Health Center, tread lightly as no one wants to inherit a disease, or worse, a clinger. Remember, you’re always busy because of “work” or something else that cannot be cancelled, it’s never a bad idea to use those free Health Center condoms your sickling picked up on his or her way out.
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: The Struggle Major: Being your bartender of the week. Favorite Drink: Downtown Favorite Shot: Chata Ball Disgusting Drink: Any IPA If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: Diamonds Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: I made a deal to never tell.
Jessica of Campus Pub Drinking Game
What’s the most embarrassing thing your best friend’s ever
done?: Had a kissing fest at the bar and didn’t hear about it until the next week from the bartender. If you were alive in medieval England, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?: Definitely being royalty. What word do you find strangely sexual?: Canoodle What word do you find strangely disturbing?: Moist… ew. What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: I was never a nerd. One time, you laughed so hard you…: Snorted really loud.
Recipe for disaster
Breaking Booze
Morning-After Mixer
With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with.
Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper.
What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown.
- Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”
What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up!
The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.
Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!
download our free app for all the games!
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The Black Sheep Peruses
the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…
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Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds likewell, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.
By: Kevin Wise
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Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on our basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:
The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB
Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?
Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.
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Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?
Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.
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The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:
...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC
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The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)
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Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.
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Cryptography read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
famous jims ACROSS 1) President Jimmy, of the late 70s. 3) This Jimmy wants you to come on down to Margaritaville. 5) Jim Davis created this famous kitty cartoon. 6) Jim Morrison sang, “Come on baby, light my” what? 10) One of the headliners of Woodstock ‘69, two words. 11) This rapper’s biggest single was 2006’s “We Fly High,” two words. 12) Last name of Jim on The Office. 13) This Jimmy’s hit song was “The Middle,” two words. 15) Creator of Kermit the Frog, amongst others.
late-night talk show host. 5) This comedian’s most famous stand-up is King Baby. 7) British hottie Jim Sturgess played Jude in the 2007 film Across the what? 8) Guitarist and leader of Led Zeppelin, two words. 9) Former co-host of The Man Show. 14) Jim Carrey played this character in the successful 1998 film.
DOWN 1) This Jim’s most famous role was as Jesus in The Passion of the Christ. 2) Jim Parsons played this character on The Big Bang Theory. 2) Sean Connery is amongst many who played this famous James. 4) Former SNL cast member turned
crossword
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6 degrees of separation
Kendrick Lamar to
Dana Carvey These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @UKblacksheep First 3 right answers get a prize!
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