Kentucky - Issue 5- 9/26/2013 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 2, Issue 5

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

fre e is IT ...like FO R t h e , WA ric LT? in f WH or. O IS ..W IT F HO OR?

9/26/13 - 10/2/13

John Calipari’s

Resignation Letter BY: Quinn Schwartz

Dear BBN, It’s been four amazing years since you put your faith in me and invited me into Rupp Arena, the mecca of college basketball, to be your coach and turn around a program that was headed in the wrong direction. We surpassed the 2,000 win mark, hung a championship banner, and packed our arena with over four times as many fans as opposing teams had enrolled in their entire student body. Just this week, Rupp was stuffed to the brim with a sea of blue for a scrimmage in the middle of September that meant absolutely nothing. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: you people are crazy. But I’m crazy too. Crazy for the bright lights and the big city. This is why I have decided to forgo the rest of my contract with the University of Kentucky and pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a member of the Chippendales dance troupe. When I was a boy I thought I wanted to be a famous basketball coach one day, but I can remember the exact moment I realized my true destiny was on stage expressing myself in the only way I know how… dance. I was twelve years old and I was returning home from a friend’s house after watching a legendary performance by Wilt Chamberlain in the NBA finals. It was a late summer night and the only sound on the street was the soft patter of my high top Converse sneakers on the pavement. Halfway home I stopped in front of a closed thrift store to check my reflection in the front

window and apply a bit of pomade to my thick black tress. I had the best hair on the block. As I turned to continue home I was surprised to see a chunky white bus with the name “Chippendales” scrawled in black cursive lettering on the side. I watched the bus as it slowed to a stop on the side of the road next to me. I took a step back as a tall musclebound figure stepped onto the sidewalk. I don’t know if it was his long flowing mane, perfect tuft of chest hair under his neatly tied bowtie, or if it was simply the way the moonlight glowed radiantly off of his black leather chaps. Whatever it was, I was hooked and I knew I had to be one of them. “Know where we can get a decent bite to eat at this hour?” he asked me. His presence intimidated me and I was at a loss for words. I looked down at my sneakers and pointed down the road. “Three miles,” I said. I had so many questions, but this one phrase was all I could muster. I turned and walked back in the direction of my house, cursing myself for not saying something, anything that would let them know how much their unexpected manifestation had inspired me. “Hey kid!” one of them called out. I turned around just in time to see another member of the troupe lean out

one of the bus windows and remove his bowtie. He tossed it to me and I caught it in a clenched fist above my head. I could still feel the sweat on the black silk from their performance earlier that night. “Never give up on your dreams,” he said to me as the engine roared to life and the bus puttered back down the empty street from whence it came. I never forgot those words, BBN. From that day on all I wanted to do in this life was be a member of the Chippendales dance troupe, but I knew my father would never understand. It wasn’t until I came to Kentucky

page 4

page 9

Alternatives to the World’s Largest Water Balloon Fight

UK Student Marries Statue of Patterson

we think we’d excel at an Edward Fortyhands challenge.

Hey, love is love, right?

and felt the love and support that everyone here has for me that I knew it was time to finally fulfill my life’s ambition. My blood family might never understand, but I know that my Wildcat family will always be there for me no matter what I decide to do. This is why I will make Kentucky proud with every swing of my hips and every pelvic thrust from this day until the day I die. Thank you, Lexington, and remember, never give up on your dreams. No matter what. With love and respect, John Calipari

Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com

page 10

We Interview: Flux Pavilion Our chat with the English DJ-slashproducer.

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Alternatives to the Fight World’s Largest Water Balloon By: C Weaver

Earlier this month, the Christian Student Fellowship organized its annual World’s Largest Water Balloon Fight, which consisted of nearly 11,000 participants and over 200,000 water balloons. We can’t be the only ones wondering how this event was funded, what unlucky bastard had to clean up the broken balloons, and, most importantly, who the fuck filled 200,000 balloons while keeping count. Perhaps next year the Christian Student Fellowship should consider a few of these cheaper alternatives so they have more money leftover for the plethora of Bibles they buy to throw at dirty fornicators. World’s Largest Ramen Noodle Wrestling Match: It doesn’t get much cheaper than this. Picture the entire field of Commonwealth Stadium filled with gooey noodles while hundreds of girls wrestle to be crowned winner. Sure, someone will have to cook about 5000 packs of ramen, but there’s no doubt that an excess of guys will volunteer for this chore just for a chance to watch a few ladies rolling around, duking it out, and suckin’ down some noodles all the while. World’s Largest Edward Fortyhands Challenge: 11,000 people. 22,000 40 ounces of Bud Light. One big ass roll of duct tape. No one gets to remove the 40s from their hands until both bottles are empty. It’s easily the most fun anyone can have with their hands without having to buy tissues or lotion. Once everyone is let loose, they’ll have to maneuver through an obstacle course set up on Johnson Center Field in order to get to the bathroom.

World’s Largest Pillow Fight: This one can also double as the world’s largest underwear party, as the dress code will be strictly enforced for the optimal experience. Willy T will be full to the ceiling with eager hopefuls ready to see the raunchy pillow fight of their dreams. You might actually successfully fool a girl into believing you’re cool and get her to go back to Kirwan Tower with you, just don’t forget to replace your pajama-matching Power Rangers pillow case so she’ll still believe you “were totally being ironic” with your choice of pajamas. World’s Largest Lightsaber Duel: The only thing that could come close to being as exciting as winning another NCAA championship would be 11,000 people dressed as Jedi and Sith, dueling with lightsabers in the middle of the night. Though trusting frat boys with phallic shaped weapons might be a stupid idea, as they will surely struggle to compensate for not having a strong force in their under armor, if you know what we mean. Every single bruise and stress fracture would be worth it just to see the nerds finally get revenge on all the jocks. So while water balloons seemed like a fun, innocent enough way to break a record, The Black Sheep would like to assume the position of being in charge next time Kentucky attempts a world record. Not only will we break the record on the cheap, but we’ll look sexy as hell while doing it. Hell, who wouldn’t want to break the world’s largest drunken lightsaber pillow fight in an enormous vat of ramen?

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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What’s the hardest you’ve ever laughed at someone else’s misfortune? Drew

“Watching people’s walk of shames back to the dorms, looking like a hot mess!”

Patrick

“Watching my roommate try to get off the stuggle-bus... every morning.”

Olivia

“Watching my brother get his truck stuck at the gorge last week.”

the room

The

Top

Ten

Best Ways to Come Out on Top of Cuffing Season By: Shauntionne Mosley

For commitment-fearing college students, cuffing season is THE season! Go to the fifth floor of Willy T and who knows, you might meet your future spouse…or semester booty call. Here are ten tips on how to have a successful season. 10.) Print Out Some Applications: Since cuffing season is temporary it’s appropriate to lower your standards. However, that doesn’t mean go out and date a Louisville fan. Pass out applications in front of White Hall so you can find out if they have any stalkers. Are they the big spoon or little spoon? What’s that mouth do and how soon can you find out? 9.) Be Aggressive: We’re thinking something along the lines of The Hunger Games. You’re not the only person looking for a cuddle partner for these soon to be cold months, so if you want to snag Patty with the Phatty in your physics class before the next guy, call up Katniss and ask for bow lessons. 8.) Be a Gentleman: You’re in a competition and at any moment someone could unlock the invisible cuffs you’ve put on your suga-momma. To avoid this, let her know what she’s won. Use a meal swipe during one of Commons’ theme nights, email her the slides from the class she skipped to go pre-game for Two Keys’ “All You Can Drink” night, and let her know that as long as you have a face… she’ll always have a place to sit.

as Reviewed by a Wannabe Art Snob By: Brian Barsotti Freshman John Quintet recently saw The Room for the first time at a late-night film club showing, and the experience has changed his life. Upon his first viewing of The Room, John concluded that Tommy Wiseau’s epic cinematic turd is, objectively, the greatest piece of art ever made. John defends the brilliance of The Room in this in-depth film review, which he emailed to us at The Black Sheep. Once in a great while, there comes along an artistic masterpiece so exceptional that it makes all other artists feel profoundly inadequate. Our generation has been blessed with one such tour-de-force: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. Everything about this film—its characters, its plot, its liberal amount of awkward “belly button sex” scenes—demonstrates a degree of meticulous genius that every creative mind should envy. Why, had Ernest Hemingway seen The Room, he would have killed himself…twice. It must be noted that Wiseau’s work is not for everyone, because many won’t pick up on the film’s subtle nuances. He conveys this fact mere moments into the movie. In the first scene of The Room, Denny (a plausibly mentally challenged man-child) hopes to watch two of the characters make love. They kindly refuse to let him observe their intercourse, signaling the intellectual and inaccessible nature of The Room. If nothing else, The Room is a riveting testament to the grim reality of love. Never before has a work of art delved so deeply into this most perplexing of emotions. This drama is centered on the love lives of four characters: Johnny, Lisa, Mark and breast cancer. In particular, Johnny, Lisa and Mark are caught in a messy love triangle, one which makes Johnny blow his brains out at the end of the movie in a heart wrenching scene. Numerous lessons can be interpreted from it, but their story best reflects the universal truth that sometimes your fiancé can be a real bitch and cheat on you with

your best friend. Another masterful aspect to this film is its character development. Namely, the psychologist Peter develops so much as a character that he becomes portrayed by another actor in the final scenes of The Room. Some critics, of course, say that the original actor didn’t want to be in this shitty movie anymore. But true art critics, like me, know that it was part of Tommy Wiseau’s vision all along, to replace an actor halfway through production. This bold choice indicates to the viewer the idea that people, including minor characters, can change.

7.) Win the Basketball Lottery: Nothing says, “Do me in one of the library’s private study rooms” like some e-RUPP-tion Zone tickets. That, followed up with a UK win, is sure to take you off the market for a while. 6.) Now I Ain’t Sayin She a Golddigger: But that doesn’t mean you don’t have to be... Go ahead and use all that sexy to take full advantage of someone that you only kinda, sorta, not really, care about. You know those printed leggings at Forever 21 that hug your thighs and lets that ass jiggle in a good way? We bet your cuffed up boo daddy would appreciate them too, so he should be the person to buy them for you. 5.) Make Sure You Get Noticed: So you’re running on the track in the JC next to one of those flexible gnomes some call cheerleaders. If you want her attention then consider squealing like a white girl at a yoga pant sale. If she asks if you need an inhaler tell her no… BUT SHE SURE DO GOT DAT ASS, MA! 4.) Stock Up On Cologne: If you want random chicks popping out of man holes, trees, and planes to smell your hair then start spraying. Bitches love a fancy-smellin’ man, and men are all about that instinctual-pheromone-smelling shit. All you would have to do is walk down Sorority Row and the Tri-Delts will flock to you like you’re the Harrison twins. 3.) Mood Music: Leave it up to good ol’ Aubrey to have an album full of auto-tune and emotional ballads leak around cuffing season. Or maybe some of Terrence Jones’ “Teach me ‘bout Kentucky” will set the mood. Download and refer to it like the Bible. You want their hot love and emotion right?

Symbolism is also essential to The Room. For instance, one of the recurring symbols is spoons. The film features several pictures of spoons, and most audiences don’t appear to realize their significance. Spoons are an appropriate metaphor, because spoons are tools which allow you to eat cereal, much like how The Room is a “tool” which allows us to think hard about our own lives. Footballs are also commonly presented as a symbol. The Room contains the motif of men in tuxedos playing football at close range, and this expresses the message that tossing a football to people three feet away from you is fun. Few minds have been able to capture the essence of humanity, to explain what it truly means to be human. Artists like Shakespeare and da Vinci have tried, but their efforts paled in comparison to Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus. Through deep allegories and other figurative devices, Wiseau conveys a myriad of wisdoms, especially the insightful revelation that we should all learn to be better people, to love others, and to not hurt each other, because then the world would be a better place.

2.) Avoid Parental Units: Some cuffies don’t understand the rules of cuffing season and try to become a permanent stain in your life by meeting your parents during Family Weekend. Nip that shit in the butt real quick and let them know they’re just the Jon Hood to your roster.

It should be stated that The Black Sheep in no way agrees with this weirdo’s take on The Room. We just think it’s a good movie for a drinking game.

1.) Be Hotter: Look, you can’t deny that at a base level we’re all shallow assholes wanting to hook up with the hottest person in range. So be like The Black Sheep and tell everyone you are the hottest person you know. They’ll appreciate the confidence and be cuffed on you like white on rice.

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UK Student Marries Statue of Patterson

By: Shelby Bevins

Doug Marshall, a senior living on campus, has done the unimaginable — married the statue of Dr. Patterson. The wedding took place on September 25th with a minister who did not wish to be named officiating. There were only twelve attendees, all of whom were unfortunate bystanders who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. When you ask Doug why he married a statue, particularly the well-known campus icon, he’ll tell you “When I first came to UK as a freshman, one of the first things I saw while roaming campus was this grandiose, breathtaking bronze visage of a man. I didn’t know who he was, but when I rubbed his foot for good luck right before my first final and then subsequently aced it, I knew there was something magical between us. After that I walked by the statue every day, falling deeper and deeper in love. Now, I can be with my beloved forever.” Doug admits that his union with Dr. Patterson’s statue won’t be accepted by Big Blue Nation, but he doesn’t care. “Love is love right?” he said as he climbed up onto Patterson’s lap. Many incidents have been reported of Doug making out, whimsically chatting, and then mercilessly humping the statue on late weekend nights (you thought that was bird poo, huh?). This has made Doug a top hit on UK Makeouts, but he says the real honour is that he gets to be with the love of his undergraduate life. When we asked the University’s administration what they thought of a student marrying Dr. Patterson’s statue, we were met with vacant, disturbed stares. One official said that because the marriage has no legal binding there was nothing to be concerned with. Another argued that there was plenty of concern because a student defiling the statue at night would negatively impact the university’s reputation. Another said to just leave the poor kid alone, obviously he’s spent one lonely night too many at Willy T.

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We asked some students outside of Whitehall what they thought about the marriage. One said, “I think he’s a fucking freak.” Another screamed that he was a homewrecker because Dr. Patterson was her husband. Another said that he should be allowed to marry the statue because “who are we to judge?” The general consensus was that Doug Marshall needed some friends to take him to a strip club, and introduce him to the feeling of a human body with blood running through it, not the cold, metallic feeling — both physically and emotionally — with which he has become intimate. We asked Doug what he was going to do about the honeymoon. He notes that he can’t take his lovely spouse anywhere, so he was going to stay here, drink champagne and make sweet love to his beautiful statue. Already half-inebriated, he proceeded to talk dirty to the statue and was soon apprehended by University Police and taken into custody. The Black Sheep was there to witness his arrest, and tried to talk to the statue to see if it felt any remorse for the young lover. But metal Dr. Patterson just stared on, not shedding a single tear and (we can only assume) plotting how to break his lost love out of prison…

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the black sheep interviews:

Flux Pavilion English DJ-slash-producer Joshua Steele, better known as Flux Pavilion, was kind enough to give us a solid fifteen minutes to talk about music, because like us, he likes music. The Black Sheep: How does the songwriting process for electronic music differ when you’re working alone versus with a person? Flux Pavilion: I prefer like to do a lot of work on my own. For a collaboration it depends on who I work with, and their creative process. Getting on the same page of music, often we’ll sit for a couple of hours talking before we work on the music, which allows you to know where they’re coming from so you can approach the music from a certain way. I was just did a session with these guys, Anamanaguchi, who are a four-piece group, who do video game-style music. I sat on my computer as they got their Game Boys out, they’d make music and they’d send it over by email. I ended up with 30 email cuts and I’d take those cuts and see where they’d take me. It was like I was producing a song with people in the room where we’d just say, “how about that there and that there?” TBS: Someone like that, with such a distinct sound, does that provide you with any kind of challenges? FP: Their sound is quite similar to mine, actually. I wanted to work with them because I could tell that we think in the same way about music and chord structure and melodies. I wanted to work with them because we have similar ideas that we can approach in different directions. There was no problem there.

Where there was a problem, they write on a Game Boy, and that doesn’t stay in time or is necessarily in tune. They’d send me a tune and it’d be out of time because the algorithm in the Game Boy is different than a computer. TBS: When you do a live set, do you adapt things show to show? FP: I don’t actually change my set for anyone, because I think that my job on that stage as an artist is to give a performance of who I am as a musician. I’m showing what my taste is and who I am as an artist. I think of myself as a band, and if a band shows up and the crowd doesn’t like their music and they decide instead to play a lot of covers, it’s like, what’s the point of the band being there if they don’t play what makes them tick? If people hate it, then those people aren’t a fan of what I do. I don’t give a shit about that, I don’t want everyone to like me. I want to give the best impression of what I do, and I want people to love that. TBS: Has that always been your frame of mind, or has your approach to a live show changed? FP: It has changed, I guess. I’m more confident now. I never used to talk on the mic, I’d just go out there and play the music. I used to mix the tracks with my back to the audience for a few minutes. My approach has changed because I think there’s something more thrilling with being up there and connecting with people. When I get into music, I want them to get into it as well.

TBS: What can people expect in a live show going forward? FP: Next year it’s a lot more towards live singing and live stuff. I’ve always written music with the idea of it being performed live. I’m not a producer who does loads of crazy sounds or chopping and editing. I quite like natural sounds, even if it’s a ridiculous electronic track, there’s natural elements to it. I want it to sound aesthetically the same, but performed by live people, but with me singing with a guitar solo. That’s every kid’s dream, isn’t it? To be like Jimi Hendrix. TBS: You’ve said before you’re inspired by Sigur Ros and Brian Eno. This seems to be a similar theme among musicians of all genres. What’s so musically interesting about them that they’re universally loved? FP: Because they work with feelings, I guess. Their music makes me feel something. It sounds like they want it to sound. It’s a hard thing to explain, but a track’s not made for the radio with a hook or a chorus, it’s music that exists because it needs to exist. It came from their brains or their hearts and there’s something pure and natural about that. It’s untouched by nothing but the humans that created it, which is a really awesome thing. I think Dr Dre’s The Chronic is one of the best hip-hop albums because it sounds like Dr. Dre wrote all the tracks, a music representation of his brain. Pure music is a vision or a concept that an artist doesn’t have a plan, they just sit down and write a song without thinking. By: Brendan Bonham

The black sheep

interviews: Dominique Ansel Creator of the cronut By: brendan bonham Is it a croissant? A donut? No, it’s a cronut. From the mind of mad pastry chef Dominique Ansel comes something that’s as much fun to push out of your mouth as it is to shove in. Cronut, cronut, cronut. Hah, cronut. We wanted to talk about cronuts (and say cronuts) and Mr. Ansel was kind enough to indulge us.

The Black Sheep: How do you get from the idea of a cronut, to a cronut? Dominique Ansel: I create new things all the time. The creative part is very, very important; I won’t launch an item until I know it’s up to my standards. For the cronut, it took me about two months. It’s not the question rushing something quickly, it’s more finding the perfect texture and the right way to do it to make sure the product lasts in time. Really, finding a good product that could made properly without requiring too much time and unique in texture and flavor. TBS: What are some of the variables in play when you’re getting this ready? DA: A lot of little things; the ratio for the recipe. The ingredients product contains, the type of flour, the technique, the refining pricing. Everything is very, very important. If you change one thing, it’s different at the end. That’s what I test the product every day, to make sure it’s up to my standards.

TBS: When did you decide they’re ready? Was it one of those eureka moments, or was it more “finally, this is what I was looking for”? DA: You know, it’s just something that you know. Recipe after recipe, time after time it’s a good product that you try to make better. Once I had the perfect texture, I knew it was ready to go. TBS: And when you first started selling these, was it just something in your store, then it took off? DA: Exactly. We launched the product back in may and it was just on the menu. I make new things all the time. People really liked it, and we appeared on a blog. That same night the blog called us and said it was linked over 140 times, and that we should make a few more. The next day there were people waiting outside. It was a surprise for me. TBS: The amount you make a day, where does that number come from? DA: Well, we have a small kitchen, so we do as many as we can, but we need to make the other things that we serve. We’re not a cronut shop. I don’t want the creation to kill the creativity, I want to create new things and keep people excited. Right after the cronut we launched the frozen s’more, it’s marshmallowly ice cream, we torch it to order to caramelize the outside. You only have a few minutes to eat it, and it’s a unique experience to enjoy ice cream. I’m going to do something for the fall that is nice and different, too. TBS: How busy are you right now? DA: I spend a lot of time in the bakery. I open the doors myself every day. We’ll show up 4:30, 5 in the morning. I’ll be in the kitchen until 8a.m. then opening the doors and welcoming people. It’s important to me to be close to my staff the people. TBS: Do you own the name or the idea? DA: We own the trademark to the name “cronut.” TBS: People making knock-offs, do you try them? DA: I haven’t tried any yet. To me, when you inspire people to make new things, it’s great. TBS: Do you have concerns that you’ll be Cronut Guy? DA: I want to keep making things and keep people excited. People come now and see all the other pastries we have, a fresh selection and made-to-order. People don’t just come for the cronuts, they come because we’re different.

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A Conversation With A die-hard Quidditch Player By: Jack Harder We sat down for a chat with one of the self-proclaimed greatest athletes in Lexington: The Wildcat Quidditch Seeker. As she walked in the room we could tell that she was not your run-of-the-mill bookworm. Her hair was slicked back into a tight ponytail and held in place by a thick crimson and gold headband. Her black witch robe fluttered in the wind, smacking any passers-by that got too close to her. An emblazoned golden pin on her lapel read “SEEKER,” showing us that anyone who ever wants to beat her at anything would have to suck it. She had eyes like a hawk, hair like a hawk, and a moderately sharp nose. She was basically just a hawk-human hybrid. Seriously, her nails were sharpened. She pulled up a chair and downed her mug, throwing it across the room into the pile of other shattered glasses. “Butterbeer,” she said a bit too directly, “Never strong enough.” She slammed her fist down on the table and the bartender brought another. “Now let’s get this over with. I’ve got to trim my broomhairs tonight and I told my boyfriend that if he behaved I’d ride his broomstick.” Before we could speak she interrupted — “We going to the sheets so hard it’ll make finding a long term defense

against the Dark Arts teacher seem easy.” Unable to actually comprehend what this hippogriff of a woman meant by that particular statement, we began with some formalities; namely, herself and her sport. “I’m a pre-med senior, I was valedictorian in high school, and my wand is nine inches, elm, with a core of dragon heartstring,” she announced. This conversation was going to be a legendary. At this point she whipped out her wand and began attempting to levitate the beverages of other tables in the bar. It was clear she actually believed in not only magic but also thievery. Nobody said a word. There was a lingering suspicion this wasn’t the first time she had been caught attempting this. As she started to just drag other beers towards her with her wand, the bartender stepped in and said, “What the fuck are you doing, Kim? Stop.” We asked her what lead her to her sport of choice. “Quidditch is an elegant sport in which three chasers throw a ball through a hoop that is guarded by a keeper. The seeker runs around trying to catch the snitch to win an absurd amount of points that guarantees a win. In the

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This description was simple, yet quite refreshing. Here at The Black Sheep we know all about tiny gold balls and consensual beatings. Her tone lowered and she begrudgingly confessed, “You know, I was once a beater. I was one of the best there was. A master beater some would say. I took my anger out with my beating. I would beat anyone that roused my anger and before long I was beating half the school. They said I had beaten…”

“That was an honest mistake!” she exclaims instantly. “I’ve seen the first Harry Potter movie thousands of times and that guy looked exactly like Slytherin’s captain. Not only is he the epitome of douchebag, but he also has the most hideous set of teeth I’d ever seen. Typical Cardinal.”

She rambled on and on, not necessarily proud; yet certainly not ashamed of all the master beatings she had given. “Ah but you see, at that point a professor suggested I give the beating up, master or not. When I tried to beat him off of my case, Capilouto came in and forbade me from beating ever again.”

Confused again, we assumed that the sons of snitches over in Louisville were clearly at fault. Either that or they’re way better at Harry Potter role-playing sports because they’re nerds.

This statement sunk in slowly, killing any childhood that may be left within us. After making a quick Whomping Willow reference, we continued on the topic of the Louisville Quidditch Club. It was rumored our seeker had an issue last year playing those maize-clad peasants in which aggressive physical contact got a little out of hand.

Our seeker rambled on until we told her that Tin Roof’s kitchen was only open for another hour, and that is was half-off. Strangely, she nodded in understanding. She mumbled a Dumbledore quote under her breath as we texted our friends and then flew off on her broom … wait, what? Holy shit.

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meantime, there are two beaters that run around hitting things at people to try and make the other team lose.”

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If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: Do my hair and fold my laundry.

Major: Communications Favorite Drink: Bloody Mary by day; vodka water lemon at night Favorite Shot: Vegas bomb

What nostalgic TV show do you most dislike?: Pretty Little Liars

Disgusting Drink: Guinness What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: Asking what a “well drink” is.

Sadie of Two Keys Tavern Drinking Game Truth or Dare Just like the middle school game you played, but with more drinking involved. Hey, the “more drinking” part always works out for the best, doesn’t it? What You’ll Need: A deck of cards, some beer, and an iron will. Number of Players: 3+ Level of Intoxication: We dare you not to throw up. How to Play: -Begin the game by dealing each player four cards, face-up. -In the middle of the table, lay out two rows of five cards. One row will be “truth,” the other, “dare.” -Note which end of the rows you wish to start on. The first set of cards is worth two drinks, the second set is four, the third, six and so on. -Flip over the first card in the “truth” set. If any player has this card in their upturned set of four, then he or she must drink for two seconds or answer a question agreed upon by the group. -Flip over the first card in the “dare” set. Any player with this card in their upturned set of four may give any other player two drinks. In return, the player who takes the drinks gives a dare in return. -This escalates to four drinks or a truth, four drinks in return for a dare, etc. The Game Ends When: Everyone is naked from dares and crying because they’ve been forced to admit their darkest secrets.

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Yoga pants: Overrated, underrated or properly rated? Why?: Properly rated because they are awesome!

When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: Haha, last night at Thirsty Thursday.

What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: T-boned If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which is it?: Haha! Hangover I guess. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s hilarious and tells you where the party is!

Recipe for disaster The Old-Fashioned With Breaking Bad coming to a close, it’s time to find a different series to pour yourself into. Enter: Netflix, the Holy Grail of all things TV. Our suggestion? Mad Men. To get you in the mood, we thought it’d be a good idea to introduce you to main character Don Draper’s go-to drink, which is also the manliest cocktail you could order during a night on the town. What You’ll Need: A tumbler whiskey glass, sugar cubes, angostura bitters (flavored or not), an orange, lemon or any citrus-like fruit of your choosing, a muddler and a bottle of your favorite bourbon whiskey Cook Time: 2 Minutes Fatty Factor: Not fat, manly Let’s Get Baked, er Drunk: - Add one sugar cube to the glass and cover it with dashes of the angostura bitters - Muddle the cube until it is well dissolved - Add an orange wedge and a maraschino cherry and muddle the juices out of each - Add 2 oz. of whiskey (or a bit more if you’re feeling risky) - Add 1-2 large ice cubes and stir - Garnish with both an orange and lemon twist This drink is meant to be sipped and savored, so don’t chug this delicious concoction. It also pairs perfectly with a nice tenderloin, so order this when you’re out to dinner. This is also what Ryan Gosling’s character mixes up for Emma Stone’s in Crazy, Stupid, Love, so now you’re halfway there on landing a kick-ass chick like that.

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Can you find the 10 differences in this gameday scene? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!

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m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Paul Simon - Paul Walker - Paul Wall - DJ Pauly D

Signature Entree: - Fruit Loops - Snickers ice cream - Spicy mustard - Greek yogurt

Honeymoon Destination: - Sea World - Electric Forest Music Festival - Cuba - Cleveland, OH

Maid of Honor: - Beyonce - Cher - Madonna - Ke$ha

Signature Beverage: - Warm milk - Grape Kool-Aid - Cucumber water - Cement mixer shots

Honeymoon Adventure: - Twerk-off - Drug smuggling - Ceramics class - Shoplifting

Animal of Honor: - Shamu - Geico gecko - Flipper - Ed the Horse

First Dance Song: - “Fuckin’ Problems” - “Wrecking Ball” - “Hoochie Mama” - “Blurred Lines”

You live happily ever after... - as traveling carnies. - debating politics every day. - shopping at Whole Foods. - getting into the EDM scene.

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your future How to Play: Dash some lines until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your numbers. Where there is one left in each category, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.

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