Kentucky - Issue 6 - 2/14

The Black Sheep

FR JA EE...

CK LIK ED E FR THA OM T OV PBJ ID’ YOU SL AS TOT T W AL EE LY K.

• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •

theblacksheeponline.com @UKBlackSheep

Volume 1, Issue 6 • 2/14/13 - 2/20/13

ALRIGHT KIDS: IT'S GO TIME MARY VENUTO WROTE THIS

So there you are, pencil in hand, looking at the sinister emptiness of that Scantron sheet as it stares back up into your nervously shifting eyes. Who knew this test would be so hard? Did you really miss that many classes? Jesus…you don’t recognize anybody in this classroom…and wasn’t that stupid textbook supposed to be optional reading?

After bombing that first exam, it’s time to face the facts. The honeymoon period of syllabus week is over. Your denial that school is back in session is starting to become unhealthy for both you and your GPA. It’s all fun and games until that first exam rears its ugly head.

Gone are the days of impromptu Walking Dead marathons.

Turns out “wasted Wednesdays” actually aren’t the beginning of the weekend. And your one o’clock class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday can no longer serve as your naptime -- nowadays professors seriously expect you to come to class prepared for discussion. That means coming up with bullshit questions or comments to feign interest. Maybe even sitting closer to the front of the room so you won’t be tempted to try and beat your high score on Fruit Ninja. Start getting used to the idea that it’s going to be a long semester… you’re in for the long haul now.

So let’s get on this shit, kiddies. The first step to being proactive towards your studies is set your alarm at least an hour and a half before your first class starts. This gives your snooze button a fighting chance at annoying you out of bed on time.

Once you change your underwear and slap on a new layer of deodorant, you’re ready for class. Don’t forget a notebook and some sort of writing utensil -- at least try to appear to be a college student.

Once you’re in class, try to limit a space out to once every fifteen minutes. Go ahead and zone out on that hot girl’s panty line but, for the love of god, be sure not to get caught. The middle of lecture can be the perfect time to decide what you’re going to have for lunch. At the very least, be sure to copy down everything shown in the PowerPoint presentation so when you’re cramming for the next exam the night before you have a broad outline of the content you should know.

Tumblr until your eyes bleed. Look up your daily horoscope.

Have an existential meltdown. Anything to prolong the eventual struggle of Googling every critical thinking question on your assignment.

But the work doesn’t stop when class is over. Now you have to login to Blackboard to see what homework assignments await you. Go ahead and get all your procrastinating rituals out of the way. Check Facebook. Check Twitter. Even browse

If going to class and turning in homework assignments isn’t enough, and for some of you slackers it won’t be, then it might be time to go pay a little visit during your professor’s office hours. Shed a few tears when you’re explaining how often you

LOSING FAITH IN YOUR MAJOR REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD ACTUAL DREAMS AND AMBITIONS? OH FRESHMAN YEAR!

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what's inside

go to The Study for extra help. And if you and your hot T.A. are totally vibing off each other, then some sexually suggestive remarks should help you secure that passing grade.

When the going gets tough just remember that spring break is only a month away. Think of how bat-shit crazy you’re going to get as a reward for your grueling, half-assed stabs at scholastic achievement. And that’s worth way more than a stupid fucking Scantron.

A FEW NOTES ON CLEANLINESS AND ETIQUETTE

CAREER FAIR TRANSLATIONS

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SHOULDN’T UN-FLUSHED TOILETS AND PENIS CARTOONS BE LEFT TO HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS?

ARE YOU SENDING THE RIGHT MESSAGE TO FUTURE EMPLOYERS? OR DID YOU SHOW UP DRUNK?

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PAGE 4: HOW TO SURVIVE A WEEKEND BENDER

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YOU’RE IN COLLEGE NOW - PARTY SMARTER, NOT HARDER.

PAGE 4: FROM THE STREETS

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF GREEK SING?

PAGE 5: THE TOP 10: WAYS TO GET OUT OF MISSING AN EXAM

Table of

IT'S AS EASY AS GIVING A DOG A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER.

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FROM THE STREETS Got a question you want us to ask?

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What was your favorite part of Greek Sing?

"The naughty school girls of ADPi... tryna party with them!"

- Chase B., Freshman

HOW TO SURVIVE A WEEKEND BENDER G. JORDAN JOHNSON WROTE THIS Indulging yourself in that great American pastime -- drinking away the weekend -- is a sure way to take the edge off the pressures of being a student. Friday evening beckons and the loose planning begins. Will you go here or there? Eat this or that? Beer or liquor? Well, go get ‘em tiger. But sure enough, you end up with a hazy Sunday morning soaked in old vomit and soul-crushing regret. You’ve spent $150 on alcohol in the last two days, partook in some unscrupulous drug use, and totally avoided doing your homework or working on projects.

Kids, it doesn’t have to be this way. Party smarter, not harder. Let The Black Sheep offer you a few bits of sage advice to keep your weekend of fun from turning into an overdrawn bank account and an academic suspension.

First of all, if you have a large assignment due next week, at the very minimum start working on it before you go out. Give yourself a chance a fighting chance, even better, try to complete a full draft of the assignment. The payoff is tenfold. Everything you complete before you begin your weekend-long liver punishing is one less thing you have to tackle Sunday in the midst of severe brain-fog.

And when you do decide to step out… pregame. “Pre gaming” was created by Age of Enlightenment Londoners to get their intellectual juices flowing before heading to the coffee parlor to speculate why geese float. Getting started before you head to the bar ensures that you don’t blow wads of cash waiting in a never-ending line for overpriced drinks. And once you’re out, start planning for damage control. Prearrange your path home. If you’re unsure of where you’re going to be by the end of the night, try to coordinate a cab ride or have one of your lackeys drop you off at your place. It’s far easier to maintain some sense of control when you wake up in your own bed. We can’t express the feelings of guilt and self-loathing you’ll experience when you’ve woken up in a bathtub in an apartment you don’t recognize, filled with douchebags you barely know.

And don’t forget them dolla billz! But no, really, always use paper money, son. Leave your debit card at home. Bring only enough cash with you to ensure that you can get sufficiently inebriated to satiate your inner demons and a little extra in the event you need to take a cab ride home -- this will prevent your scumbag brain from buying everyone drinks. That tactic doesn’t work anyway. Trust us, you’ll thank yourself when you cut $150 in bar bills down to $50.

Now you’ve thought about this, but it’s time to finally do yourself another sober favor: delete social media applications from your smart phone. Weekend party photos and drunk status-updating do more harm than good. The memory of your bad decisions is already enough to make you morose, don’t let the internet in on your sins. Your weekend shenanigans should be a mostly private affair. Keep it low key.

Speaking of the phone, remember to carry only the bare minimum.

When we go out, we reduce our pocket contents to the basic three: phone, wallet, keys. Some even prefer to forgo the phone as well, but that’s your call; no pun intended. You probably don’t need it and you run the risk of breaking it or making… regrettable drunk dials.

Regardless, the less you have to worry about keeping up with means the less you’re going to lose by the end of the night.

"All the sorority girls... the ladies were flockin'!" - Lucas H., Freshman

Now that you’ve outsmarted Drunk You, you’ve got to try and train yourself to think twice. The Black Sheep is no stranger to bad choices.

But the best way to avoid dealing with these stressful emotions is to think twice before you do something stupid. If you’re exceptionally horrible at decision-making while drunk, have your friends agree to be the voice of reason when they see you screwing up. And if you’re a violent drunk… insist that your friends invest in a taser. Someone’s got to keep you in line, and better your mates than a highly esteemed law enforcement officer.

Of course, there are ways to avoid the seemingly inevitable black-out.

When you’re out to make your liver pay, consider throwing an oversized burrito or Goodfellas slice into the mix. The added carbohydrates will slow the blood-alcohol adsorption rate in your body, keeping you coherent for the long haul. Remember though, you need to eat before you start drinking… and again before you’re totally wasted. Trying to cram a double cheeseburger into your gut when you’re already over the line will result in you enjoying that meal twice.

With that in mind, we all know grease is your hangover go-to. Fry up some bacon the minute you stumble out of bed Sunday morning; the proteins found in bacon are easily broken down into various amino acids that will help repair your damaged neurotransmitters. But also try to eat eggs, preferably while you’re drinking, as the liver utilizes your body’s cholesterol reserves to metabolize alcohol. Drink sports drinks as well. Your body is a sack of salt water and you urinate most of that out while drinking. And remember, water while drinking is always your first line of defense.

College is stressful… all those tests and, like, books and stuff. No worries, we understand why you drink. But between the hangovers, the regrets and the slipping grades The Black Sheep just wants you to be at your best when you’re drinking to your worst. Stay smart, follow our tips, and with any luck you’ll be able to balance the competing demands of a full class schedule and a full weekend of booze-fueled shenanigans.

After all, we’re in college now. Dammit, let’s be smart about this.

"Going H.A.M. on the stage and raging afterwards!"- Jake S., Sophomore

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LOSING FAITH IN YOUR MAJOR LEO WEISBERGER WROTE THIS It was bound to happen. Sure, when you first came here to UK you were full of hope, excitement and passion. The world was new, the possibilities were endless, and life was beautiful. As freshmen we all thought that college was where we were supposed to change our lives, explore new horizons and finally find ourselves in our passions. Or at least wasn’t that what our guidance counselors and endless UK promo pamphlets promised us? Oh, to be that young again!

But of course, now we know better.

After years of all-nighters, crushing student-loan debt and crippling alcoholism, we should’ve all realized by now that we’ve been fooled. We’re no smarter, no wiser and certainly no more self-actualized then we were when we left high school as dipshit teenagers. Besides memorizing the daily drink specials at Two Keys, what have you really learned while wasting away here in Lexington? We’re about to enter the real-world, kids, and what do you have to show for it? Unless you had the foresight to take engineering classes, you’re probably just now realizing that your major… is almost completely and utterly worthless. The truth can hurt sometimes, and The Black Sheep knows this better than anyone. But before we shelve our textbooks and get in line for unemployment, let’s revisit our long-dead hopes and aspirations, shall we?

The

Top 10

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ways to Get Out of Missing an Exam

When the exam make-up policy of every professor on campus is essentially “Haha, screw you,” you've got to get a little more creative. Here are some handy ways to get you out of trouble when you couldn't get out of bed!

10.) Drink...some poison: Just head on down to the ol' Poison Shoppe and pick out something nice and mild. Down it, then head to the doctor's office to get your illness all official and documented. As a bonus, you can claim your roommate tried to kill you. Hello, single room!

9.) Forge an athletic excuse: Professors see these so much, we bet they barely even look them over. Just type out something official-sounding, like “Hello professor, Sevin had to miss the exam because he was footballing with us in another state. We know academics are important, but we needed him to shoot the points so we could beat the other team's sportsmen. From, The Coach.”

8.) Exploit your minority status: “I bet you'd let me retake the test if I was WHITE, wouldn't you?” Even if you won the skin color jackpot, there's always something you can claim. “Is this because of my Algonquin great-great-stepmother?” or “You're just picking on me because I'm a eunuch!”

7.) Give your dog a jar of peanut butter: Ha ha, look at him! Awwwww! Ohhhh, he's got some on his nose! He can't stop licking his snout! Haahahaaaawwwwww! See, you already forgot all about that exam you missed! Now granted, this is a short-term solution, but you can make it work with a long-term supply of peanut butter.

Remember when you were a high school stoner and you had all those, like, totally deep conversations with your friends? Oh simpler times! But as $7,000 a semester has taught you… you’re just not that deep when forced to be serious. Turns out debating objective reality and the Hegelian dialectic honestly isn’t that fun while sober. And even if you were smart enough to be a serious philosophy student, what does it matter? Maybe if you weren’t high when you declared your major we wouldn’t have this real-life intellectual quandary.

Or maybe instead you majored in art, in which case we’re guessing you were planning on trying to score some of that sweet federal grant money to finance your chronic slackerdom. With the national debt spiraling out of control you can naturally expect that to go out the window. But your parents always did gush all over your finger painting when you were seven… maybe they’ll buy your art? The fridge at home has been pretty bare since you’ve left for college.

Perhaps you, like many of us, weren’t into that pansy-hippie shit. Instead, maybe you actually wanted change the world in a real, substantive way. Good job, comrade - us too! Political science, however, ended up posing the quintessential catch-22. To enter modern politics in 2013, you have to earn a degree. Fine. But to get the degree, you have to go to college -- and between the wasted Facebook photos and the handful of public intoxication arrests you’ve ended up making yourself totally unelectable to Middle America. Remember when Clinton got into trouble for smoking weed? Sure enough, your West Wing career was over before it even began. If they only knew what the kids are doing nowadays…

Of course, liberal arts majors aren’t the only ones left screwed-over on graduation day. UK has the nation’s leading program in equine sciences; which of course would be fantastic if that crypto-fascist Henry Ford didn’t make the entire horse industry irrelevant almost a full century ago. There’s library sciences, which would be fine if the internet never happened. And then you have your anthropologists, which we always assumed were kids who just burned through the Indiana Jones franchise too many times. But then maybe we’re being too harsh, won’t it be the anthropologists who dig up our bones long after the rest of us die away from starvation and chronic unemployment with our worthless majors?

If we were all a bit smarter, we would’ve changed our majors long ago. Journalism majors would’ve realized that there’s no money in print and that real-world careers are in marketing and advertising now. Mathematics majors, unless eager to start a soul-crushing teaching career in local public school, would’ve begun taking finance courses. Psychologists become social workers and parole officers; historians just become homeless.

But of course we’re not that smart. We were, after all, duped into getting these worthless degrees in the first place -- unless your smart-ass went into medicine or law like your parents told you to do. So let’s have a toast to our failed dreams and empty futures! And god bless us for harboring such naive ambitions, if it wasn’t for us half of these professors would be in the same unemployment line with the rest of us soon-to-be graduates!

But let us not lament too long. The Social Security office closes at five.

6.) Make a sacrifice: Any of your relatives will do. Once they go limp and stop beating frantically at your chest, snap a couple pictures for proof. Come to think of it, it'd probably work just as well if you just made up a phony funeral announcement. Oh well, no use crying over killed ilk.

5.) Get your professor's priorities straight: Head to any military surplus store, buy a deactivated grenade, and lob it into your professor's office. Once they're done freaking out, walk in and say “Gee, when you think you're about to die, me missing a test doesn't seem like that big of a deal, huh?”

4.) We're not gonna take it!: Making a big scene is a surefire way to get yourself out of nearly any situation. Go to your professor's office and start yelling about your rights, even if you don't know what they are. Set some shit on fire and yell into a megaphone. Complain about all the whales that were killed to make the paper for the exams.

3.) Bribe your professor: That's it. We don't have any jokes for this one, 'cause this is actually a serious idea. Hey, come on, you can have a real idea or you can have another stupid joke, but not both. All right, fine. Give them money and then, we dunno, fart on their face or something.

Whatever.

2.) Be honest: We don't mean tell the truth, that's stupid! Think of something so embarrassing, they'd never suspect somebody would be desperate enough to lie about it. “To be honest, I had another tongue-wart flare up and couldn't breathe. My tongue locked together with my throat warts like they were Legos.”

1.) Drop that shit like a hot potato: The reality of the situation is, you're screwed. Lighten your class load and move on. If the missing credit ends up being a problem when you're applying to graduate, just bring your dog and some of your peanut butter to the graduation ceremony, and steal a diploma while the whole arena is distracted by the adorable scene.

SEVIN KETZE WROTE THIS

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A FEW NOTES ON CLEANLINESS AND ETIQUETTE NICOLE BARNES WROTE THIS The Black Sheep gets it. UK isn’t Harvard; we’re a large, sprawling mid-level public university that relies public funding to stay open. Which means, obviously, we rely on basically no funding. Of course we don’t get state-of-the-art everything, and that’s okay. Hell, would we even be the same place without that old funky smell in Funkhouser Hall or that petrified tree stump across from the Engineering Annex that passes for a campus monument? We’re pretty used to second-rate shit here at UK - maybe that’s even what gives us our charm. But considering that we don’t necessarily have the nicest facilities to begin with, is it too much to ask for our fellow university-goers to try and treat our communal stuff with at least a modicum of respect and basic human decency?

Apparently it is. Let’s set some things straight, shall we?

First of all, why in the hell do we have to wear biohazard suits in the White Hall bathrooms? Without even venturing to guess about the guy’s situation, we can say that the female bathrooms in White Hall are a direct health violation. These are supposed to be for ladies… what the hell is going on in these bathrooms? Go ahead and visit one yourself, none of the toilets are flushed. What respectable lady drops a load and looks at the toilet and says to herself “…you know, I think that's okay. People will be happy to see this when they walk in!” It would be nice to publically shame these offenders, but the bathroom is a private matter. Err…at least it’s supposed to be. At least 25% of the doors on the bathrooms are either missing or don’t close. This is supposed to be a bathroom, not a peep show. Will somebody please fix this!? Don't we clean and decent people risk enough stepping in here to begin with?

Actually, the bathrooms are just the start of the problem - the whole damn classroom building is essentially an asbestos-filled building code violation. Even the furniture is archaic; you go in to sit down and the desk you are provided is designed more like a highchair with part of the desk wrapping tightly around you. Clearly these desks were only functional in times when our country was collectively thinner. And as if struggling to breathe isn't bad enough, you can't manage to balance your big-ass binder on that small slab of a desktop and you keep knocking it over and spilling your papers out, calling attention to yourself and looking like a complete idiot in front of all the beautiful people in class. You eventually give up, bend down, and put your things in that basket underneath your seat.

While you're bent down you realize there is a collage of chewed gum under the desk. Of course.

Better watch your knees!

And hell, who could forget the best part: all the glorious penises! Desperate, you try and cover up the numerous sketches of penises scrawled shamelessly all over the desk before the professor walks back. You don't want a giant penis in between you and her, and you definitely don't want her thinking you drew that masterpiece of phallic art or that you condone this nonsense by choosing to sit at the penis-desk. But you don't have time to erase all of the penises and if you're caught erasing them that makes you look guilty. You just have to leave them there and hope for the best, while those little penises point to your ever-reddening face like shame-arrows.

Come on, people! Don't you pay enough in tuition? Don't ruin the few pieces of furnishings we have.

How hard is it to flush a toilet? How hard is it to refrain from drawing penises on things? Girls - Jesus, do we need to say this? Start flushing things!

Seriously - you’re in college now. STOP. WITH. THE. PENISES.

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CAREER FAIR TRANSLATIONS SCOTTY G. WROTE THIS It's career fair season here at the UK. For many of us, this can be a stressful time, presenting the working world's most frustrating conundrum: You need an internship so you can get job experience, but you need job experience to get an internship. There's often a disconnect between what actually happens at a career fair and how the recruiter responds. Sometimes they're impressed, sometimes they're disinterested, and sometimes they find a polite way to say, "Not in a million elevator pitches." Here's a guide that will help you interpret the strange happenings at your career fair and if a successful career is in your future.

NO EYE CONTACT: What It Actually Means: You're terrified. Everyone's told you how important this moment is, and you're just about ready to shit your pants in terror.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack confidence and you'll never be a leader in this industry.

SOME EYE CONTACT: What It Actually Means: You're off to a good start. Just remember to smile, and the person will probably think you're friendly and trusthworthy.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You haven't blown it… yet.

And get that dumb smile off your face. You look stupid.

UNBREAKABLE STARE: What It Actually Means: You're overcompensating because you're terrified. This isn't the bedroom; you're not trying to make up for lack of penis length. Relax.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You have a sex dungeon, and I am completely unaroused.

GPA LOWER THAN 3.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades aren't bad. It's good that you have the confidence to talk to recruiters and battle against other students who are way out of your league.

What the Recruiter Thinks:You're not qualified. Transfer to art school while you still have time.

GPA BETWEEN 3.0 AND 3.5: What It Actually Means: Your grades are good. You're average, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You're not qualified. Do you even want to be here?

GPA BETWEEN 3.5 AND 4.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades are great, and you should be proud of your accomplishments.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You're not qualified… and you're a nerd. Don't you have any other hobbies?

DRESSED IN SWEATPANTS AND BEDHEAD: What It Actually Means: You're sleepwalking again. Go see a doctor.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You'd fit right in at Google.

When can you start?

DRESSED IN SUIT AND TIE: What It Actually Means: You've got your shit together, and you're ready to work.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack a unique sense of individuality, and you'll never be a leader in this industry.

DRESSED IN PINK TUX WITH MATCHING CANE, MONOCLE, GLOVES, AND TOP HAT: What It Actually Means: You're an escaped mental patient and need to return this all to Salvation Army right away.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You're an escaped mental patient or attempting to channel your inner Prince.

Either way, no.

MISSING THE PHONE INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You were up all night celebrating the fact that you landed a phone interview.

What the Recruiter Thinks: Drat, you would'ven been a perfect fit.

CONVEYING EXCITEMENT, AMBITION AND EXPERIENCE DURING THE PHONE INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You conveyed the ability to hold a conversation without making a sexist, racist, or otherwise inappropriate comment.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You still haven't blown it … yet. Maybe I'll check your Facebook page to dig up some dirt.

LOSING CONNECTION HALFWAY THROUGH PHONE INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You're screwed. Unreliable phone conection in the 21st century? What the hell is your problem?

What the Recruiter Thinks: Did you just hang up? You're going to be a leader in this industry. When can you start?

GIVING THOUGHTFUL AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS

DURING IN-PERSON INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You just crushed it. There's nothing else you can do now but sit and wait for the job offer.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You don't have experience with Java, C, C++, and PHP. Don't expect to hear from us.

TAKING 5 SHOTS TO RELAX BEFORE THE IN-PERSON INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You're an alcoholic who follows advice from your dumbest friend. You better pray it doesn’t smell or that you don't slur your words.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You were so unphased by my rigorous questioning, I would've given you the job if you didn't puke on my shoes.

CALLING THE MALE INTERVIEW "DAD" DURING THE IN-PERSON INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You blew it.

What the Recruiter Thinks: Ha! I knew you would blow it!

PAGE 11

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bartender OF THE week CLAYTON B. CHEAPSIDE Where's your hometown: Lexington Do you have a nickname: Dix Have you learned any life lessons at the bar: Don't judge, be patient.

Is bartending hard: Not at all, it's really fun!

What's your favorite part of bartending: Meeting new people.

What's the worst thing you've seen at the bar: A girl giving a guy oral sex at the bar while I was working!

What's your favorite drink to make: 'Buca Bombs What drink do you order when you go to a bar: Vodka soda

THE DRINKING GAME:

RECIPE FOR DISASTER:

TASK MASTER

HOT DOG AND EGG SANDWICHES

Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.

Many times the secret to creativity lies in using what is available to you.

Many of us would love to cook complex dinners using a variety of spices and meats, but that is often too expensive, and we are often too drunk or tired or stoned or lazy or all of those. Here is a simple recipe using only food that are mainstays in the college student kitchen

What You’ll Need: Alcohol!

Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire.

Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself.

What You’ll Need: Hotdogs, eggs, cheese, bread.

Cook Time: 5-10 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Deliciously incapacitating.

How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever.

- The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group.

- If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink.

- When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master.

The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact.

It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.

DOWNLOAD OUR APP FOR ALL OF OUR DRINKING GAMES!

Let’s Get Baked: - Start off by throwing some bread in the toaster. If you don’t have a toaster, a microwave might work. Don’t quote us on that, we’re not Gordon Ramsay.

- Cut up a few hotdogs into thin slices and throw them on a frying pan.

- Beat some eggs and throw those on the same frying pan. If you haven’t noticed yet, this recipe involves a lot of throwing.

- Scramble the eggs along with the hotdog slices until the eggs are cooked.

- Remove the toast from the microwave, put the eggs and hotdogs on the toast, and throw some cheese on it. If your arm is still feeling good, try throwing some hot sauce on it too.

If there’s one thing better than scrambled eggs, it’s scrambled eggs with hot dogs in it. And if there’s one thing that’s better than scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it, it’s scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it with cheese on top. And if there’s one thing better than that, it’s sex. But…but why are we so alone?

HUNGRY FOR MORE? THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken!

Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones.

Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house.

It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button.

Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award.

Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit.

Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.

In "massive buyout of a failing organization news", this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.”

This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod.

If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-Life-I-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein.

Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around.

There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards.

If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that selfreferential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career.

And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?

Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s wellknown habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation.

He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk!

Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight.

Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work.

And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.

we interview:

monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion

THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy!

Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly?

Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school.

Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy!, I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do.

TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set?

Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study.

TBS: Before you’re on the show do you meet your competitors?

Monica: We didn’t get to meet the people on the show until we spent time in the green room. There’s actually a lot of time that we’re there that we’re not taping, and the two days we spent together brought us pretty close. Being on something like Jeopardy! brings people together. It’s not that I didn’t want to win, but if I have to beat you, I’m really sorry.

TBS: Everything is taped in a two-day span?

Monica: Yes. They tape five shows a day over the course of two days.

TBS: In your downtime did you go do anything else non-Jeopardy! related?

Monica: On the first day the people who taped before us had the opportunity to go eat in the Sony Pictures employee cafeteria.

Since I taped on the fifth show out of five we had to stay in the green room, because talking with people outside of it might affect the way we play, and they can’t have that. On the second day I watched the two games being played. During lunch we had to stay in the employee cafeteria, I think they were afraid we’d go and blab the results out.

TBS: There’s a pretty big stretch of time between the show taping and the show airing. How did you keep your win a secret?

Monica: I told a couple of people, and it leaked out. The intent is, you’re supposed to keep mum about the results until it happens.

TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio?

Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there.

TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer?

Monica: I'd be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another 5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything.

TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on?

Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer.

TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was?

Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t.

TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part?

Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate.

TBS: What question were you proudest of answering?

Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out.

TBS: What is Alex Trebek like?

Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks.

TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right?

Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.”

TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you?

Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different.

TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though.

Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.

Credit: Jeopardy! Productions

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

SAFE HAVEN IN THEATERS FEBRUARY 14TH

If you are one of those girls, you can drag your stoner boyfriend to see Safe Haven, a Nicholas Sparks drama about a small town boy and girl who fall in love with each other (we actually didn't read the description, but this has got to be what it's about). Have your man treat you to a fancy entree at P.F. Chang's afterwards and, boom, you'll forget all about that boyfriend who left you on Valentine's Day.

DIE HARD IN THEATERS FEBRUARY 14TH

Or, if you're the douchebag dumper, grab an emotional doormat off the street to see Die Hard, the fifth installment of the Bruce Willis action film about fighting and stuff. Afterward, treat her to a salad from Applebee's and some flowers from your local grocery store, and get excited for 20-minutes of average sex at your place.

It's all about love.

RIDICULOUSNESS THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14TH AT 10PM ON MTV

Or, if you are one of those couples, you can cozy up on the couch to catch the third season premiere of the viral video clip show Ridiculousness. Grab a few bottles of wine, order some pizza, and laugh and laugh and laugh at guys getting hit in the junk and getting humped by dolphins. Maybe a b.j. on the couch will happen during commercials, because you two can be so crazy sometimes!

the CROSSWORD: WILD ANIMALS ACROSS 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related.

7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters.

8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets.

9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food.

10) Keeps you on pins and needles.

11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday.

12) All of these bears are lefthanded.

13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are

one.

15) U. of Wisconsin mascot.

18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids.

19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils.

20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws.

DOWN 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?!

2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit.

4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween.

5) Hay, why the long face?

6) Their skin is protected by pink sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes.

11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell.

14) 4A 0+ hot woman.

16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name.

17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.

Meet The Staff CAMPUS MANAGER William J. Smith

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers

ADVERTISING MANAGER David Smith, Jeff Dyas

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley Jordan Johnson, Neal Querio

FOUNDERS The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Olivia McCoy

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608.712.0900

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.

SPOUSE: - Daniel Tosh - Danielle Fishel - Danny Brown - Danielle Staub

WEDDING CEREMONY: - On the Brooklyn Bridge - Top of the Burj Khalifa - Inside the Spaceship Earth at Epcot - Base of the Eiffel Tower

BEST WEDDING GIFT: - Jet Ski - Jet Pack - A Jet - Jethro Tull

BEST MAN: - Bill Clinton - BIll Nye - Bill Murray - Billy Bob Thornton

CELEBRITY PERFORMER: - Justin Bieber - Jay-Z - Justin Timberlake - Ja Rule

HONEYMOON ADVENTURE: - Hot air ballooning around the world - Graffiting the Great Barrier Reef - Saving kittens in Romania - Skydiving from space

MAID OF HONOR: - Jessica Simpson - Jessica Rabbit - Jessica Lange - Jessica Biel

WEDDING CHEF: - Giada De Laurentiis - Paula Deen - Martha Stewart - Bobby Flay

EMBARRASSING DEMISE: - Suffocation at sushi-eating contest - Brain damage from Slip ‘N Slide - Stroke from doing the “Single Ladies” dance - Carpal tunnel from too much Twitter

HOW TO PLAY

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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