Vol. 2, Issue 6
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
fre
e.. yo u .l i k e get the at t tow he els J C.
10/3/13 - 10/9/13
The Chronicles of Kroghetto BY: Cassandra Shouse We’ve all been there. Hell it’s a common practice if you live remotely close to campus. It’s 3 in the morning and your night out at McCarthy’s has left you with a ravenous hunger. You’ve decided to forgo delivery though, a trip to Kroger would be faster and easier on your wallet, plus you could use the fresh air. Not wanting to brave the early morning alone you assemble your group of friends, Sleepy, Drunky, Smokey, and Lazy to help you on your quest. As his nickname implies, Lazy lags behind and you contemplate abandoning them at Qdoba, but your uncle, a Vietnam vet, burned the motto into your childhood psyche, “no man gets left behind, especially at a Qdoba.” After a long and arduous trek, you see it, glowing like a huge beacon of hope in the night, a lighthouse of deliciousness, Kroghetto. The parking lot, which is normally so packed it sends you into a murderous rage, is now almost completely empty except for a stray cart and another lost, hungry soul in their Kentucky blue plaid PJs. As soon as you enter through the automatic doors your team spreads out like you’re storming the beaches of Normandy. Suddenly, it’s the 90s again and you’ve been thrust into the most intense episode of Supermarket Sweep ever. You start power walking down the aisles, combing through the shelves like a raccoon sifting through the trash. Why can’t you decide on what you want to eat? Because you want to eat everything. Chips? Yes! Totino’s party pizzas 4 for $5? What a steal! 10 Hungry Man dinners for $10? YOU’RE A HUNGRY MAN WITH TEN DOLLARS! Just as you’re about to wrap up your little shopping endeavor and bring your personal buffet to the checkout you become sidetracked. One of the night workers shelving cereal has decided to unload some wisdom upon you. Did you know El Nino, a warm current of ocean water, was the reason why it snowed in March? No, you didn’t know, but thanks to this man who looks like the direct descendent of Puerto Rican Benjamin Franklin, complete with balding top patch and round spectacles, you do now. You can’t stray from the mission, so you try to be friendly, you smile, and nod goodbye as you slowly back further and further down the aisle. Had you stayed any longer you would have heard all his thoughts on the Kennedy assassination and his reasons on why the White Album was the greatest Beatles record of all time.
You try your hardest not to drop the tower of food you’ve accumulated and as you near the front of the store you feel a strong sense of shameful accomplishment. You want to call up Lance Armstrong to tell him that you conquered this grocery Tour de France with the help of outside substances all thanks to his example. Luckily, there’s no need for you to circle back and find your friends, because if by some sort of miracle your friends have
concluded their shopping experience as well and are waiting for you at the registers. You drunkenly swipe your card not caring what the balance of your account is, breathe a sigh of relief when it’s accepted, then make your way home where you devour all of the food you’ve bought in one sitting. You pass out in front your Netflix instant queue, still undecided on what to watch, full, and a little bit wiser.
page 5
page 5
page 7
Mass Suicides Following Conclusion of AMC Hit Shows
Students Make Pact to Get life Together
Top 10: Drinks You Thought of While Drunk
Jesse pinkman may have gotten to stay alive, but that doesn’t mean we want to.
Who knew that Syllabus Week was seriously just a week long?
at the end of the day, vodka and Franzia is still vodka and Franzia, you lush.
Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com