Kentucky - Issue 7 - 10/10/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 2, Issue 7

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

10/10/13 - 10/16/13

Wildcat HashTags BY: Shauntionne Mosley Hashtags started on Twitter but ended up on every social network, college newspaper, conversation, pick up line, you name it. But wait, has anyone thought about a hashtag specifically for the greatest school in the history of all higher education institutions? Let’s try some hashtags, Wildcat style.

#BigBlueSadness:

Whether we win or lose there’s nothing better than a University of Kentucky sporting event. When you’re surrounded by national talent, rockstar coaches, and enormous football players you can’t help but to get in the spirit. This spirit can make any wildcat’s blue blood run straight to their head causing them to do things they usually don’t do. Like make out with a Louisville fan, drink too much at the tailgate and not make it to Commonwealth Stadium, or just forget to wear their lucky blue underwear at the basketball lottery.

#KentuckySuckery:

Now although we do love our athletes, we can’t help but get a little jealous seeing them get personally chauffeured across campus. Sure, getting commercial ads, photo ops, and pulling the finest of felines can put stress on anybody, but we think if you can bulldoze a 300 pound monster lineman, yo ass can walk. Construction sites pop up like pimples on this campus and having to create a new detour every other week isn’t fun. Sure would be nice if we had a golf cart with a personal chauffeur wheeling us around campus.

#HideYourKidsHideYourSwipes:

The year you decide not to get a meal plan is the year UK decides to allow swipes for all places worth eating on campus. Even Intermezzo takes meal swipes now. Now you find an excuse to start up conversation with that freshman in your class in hopes they’ll take pity on your broke and hungry soul.

#BasicKitty:

We love the “fresh off your friends’ bathroom floor” look but we think it’s getting a little old. Your sorority sweater is cute but you’re not fooling anyone by pairing it with your leggings fresh from your dirty laundry basket. You think that Playboy voted us the hottest campus by walking around and seeing y’all walk around here all stank?

#Wildcatootd:

Finally, it’s fall and we’re ready for all things that come with this colorful season. What’s better than fall fashion? However, we’re starting to think people aren’t paying close enough attention to their #ootd and this is upsetting our more fashion-forward journalist. This campus has every variety of weird that you can think of so if we can guess what you’re going to wear to class every other day, you obviously need to switch it up a bit, or just stop wearing the same K-Week shirt and Wildcat plaid pajama pants every other day. Wildcat outfit of the day is a very important hasthag, if only to help us realize how painfully similar we all look. Like it or not these hashtags are here to stay. They can make any post just a tad bit better, and the Twitter nation will have a better understanding of what is trending here at UK, even if it’s how god damn jealous students are of the athletes and their stupid scooters.

page 4

page 7

Break-Ups and You

A cyclist’s Open letter to UK Drivers

Top 10: Places for WIldcat Women to Poop

Think about your carbon footprint, you annoying range rover.

Hey, everyone does it! Even Beyonce. Think about that.

He didn’t deserve you, anyway. Drink up, sista!

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#BADTIMESMAN

Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @UKBlackSheep #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

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Crampage You know, periods and stuff. “Sally went on a crampage when her Midol wore off in the middle of her three-hour chemistry lab.

of the

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The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Calcifer’s voice actor, floating around in one of these mineral monstrosities. Last Week’s Answer: Robert Smith & Wesson

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He Didn’t Deserve You Anyway: Break-Ups and You By: black Sheep Staff Everyone experiences rejection — be it from our jobs, our friends or that goddamn ass-fart Jim Morton and his stupid ass face. Rejection is just a part of life, and since there’s no point in letting life ruin life for you, you can’t let it break your heart and turn you into a volcano of hate or a cheap Taylor Swift knockoff. So what is a less-thanor-equal-to-drinking-age young adult supposed to do with their feelings?

Jim! I dune’en need you! If I ever see yer douche-crapper face agai’, I’mma punch it in id’s face, an’ when it pops off yer neck, I’mma roun’house kick it in th’ jaw super hard, and then I’mma run all th’ way ‘roun’ the worl’ tuh kick it again b’fore it hits th’ groun’, an’ I’mma jus’ play tennis wif yer head wif m’self until yer ass-fart-dildo face explodes all over yer bitch muhver. Call me when you get this.”

Drink: You just had your heart torn out of your chest, and stomped on, and sprayed with pepper spray, and doused in gasoline, and set on fire, and chewed on by a rabid deer, and thrown against the canvas of a tormented artist, and tossed in the street, and run over by a monster truck, and exposed to no less than six kinds of electromagnetic radiation, and shoved back into your chest cavity by some ass-hat that never cleans under his damn nails. There is someone in this town who will buy you a drink.

Figure out How to Delete Someone Else’s Voicemail: Oh, shit, you just drunk-dialed your ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend/boss/BFF/professor/roommate/senator! Why did you go for tequila? Why did you stop using your phone for Candy Crush? Why did you even wake up this morning? Okay, calm down. You can fix this. All you have to do is delete the message. You can do that, right? With all the miracles of technology, someone had to have invented a way to get rid of drunk phone messages at 2 in the morning before Jim Morton gets it! GOOGLE! Google will know!

Call Them: “You know whad Jim? Fluck you! You didda even know how much I frickin gave you! Go on, find some tramp’ll pud up wif yer shiiid,

You Can’t Delete Someone Else’s Voicemail: God DAMN you, nerds,

what are you even doing?!? Call to Clarify: “Heeeeeeey, Jim, listen. Tessa — you remember Tessa, right? — has been working on a really great impression of me and she got, like, so wasted tonight and she got my phone and I, like, just saw the call to you so I thought I should let you know that whatever she said, that totally wasn’t me, okay? Tess is so funny, she just wanted to see if she could fool the man I’ve spent the last two and a half years with! Okay, just to clarify: that was Tessa that said she wanted to play tennis with your head. Not me. Talk to you later!” Get Bad News: Who is texting you at 2:30 in the morning? Jamie? What does she want? Doesn’t she know you’re asleep and totally not obsessing over Jim and his douche-turtle voicemail? “OMG im sooooo sorry.” What? Type back, “4 what?” “tess and jim left the bar 2gether :(((“ No. No way. Uh-uh. No goddamn way! That skank! How could she do this to you?! She’s probably been trying to break you two up for months, just so

she could sleep with your boyfriend! That’s why your sweet Jimmy Jams broke up with you! That pock-faced whore bewitched him! Throw Up: Gross, did you eat an entire green pepper pizza? And… corn? When did you have corn? Ew, it’s still coming out! Oh God, why won’t you stop throwing up?! Jesus, flush the toilet now so you don’t clog the system! Are you done ye- *gag*! OH GOD IT’S *gag choke gargle* IT’S JUST- shhh, no, don’t cry. It’s okay, don’t cry! You’re going to be okay! Everything’s going to be okay, calm down! Pass Out: Are you supposed to be on your stomach so you don’t choke on your vomit? Or on your back so you don’t drown yourself in the piss puddle by the toilet? Maybe… okay, on your side, and use your shirt like a pillow. Theeeeere we go.

cool, like, I still want us to be friends, so when I realized that what I said might not have sounded like a joke to you, I was like, ‘Ahh, I gotta make sure he knows it was a joke,’ haha! Eenyhoo, totally call me when you get this, kay? Kay! Buh-bye!”

Remember That Your Alibi Doesn’t Work Anymore: SHITDAMNIT!

Call Again: “And just so you know, I’m totally cool with you and Tessa making love. Totally fine with it. Nah, we’re all friends here, we’re all good. Call me back!”

Call Again: “Hey, Jim. It’s me again. Listen, about those last two voicemails — I was totally just joking with you. We’re

Call Again: “Listen up, you slackjawed-whore-bitch-dildo: I don’t know what you did to convince Jimmy to leave me, but it’s not gonna work. You hear me? Jim and I are soul mates, and once he realizes what a trashy slut you are, he’ll come right back to me and we will spend the rest of our lives laughing at your pathetic, sorry ass!” Call Again: “Whoopsie, that last call was the wrong number! Sorry, Jim! Just joking again, haha! Yeah, so, call me!”

Pledge Cannot Believe He Was Lied to During Rush By: Dan Mirabelli After being pledged into his fraternity, freshman Billy Weinberg was shocked to discover that he had been lied to on various accounts. We had a chance to speak to Billy and learn his story in the basement of the library, where he was hiding from house activities. It came as a shock to Billy when he realized he was going to be hazed. “During rush, the guys made it really clear that they weren’t going to haze me,” lamented Billy. “I wouldn’t have joined if I knew I’d be taking weird household objects up my butthole every night.” After weeks of rushing, Billy finally received a bid to his favorite house on campus. He posted a Facebook status and tweeted, “HELL YEAH got my bid!!!! #Pumped #Frat,” while posting an Instagram of his bid card, excited to shout out to the world that he was no longer a GDI. Yet, his joy was short-lived. “Within an hour after accepting my bid, I was told to delete my Twitter and Instagram posts because I was acting like a jackass,” Billy said. Billy told us after that incident they were pretty “chill” with him, but one night he received a call that would drastically alter his pledging experience. “A week into pledgeship I received a call around midnight to be outside my dorm in five minutes or I was screwed,” he explained. Apparently Billy didn’t take the threat seriously enough and after lackadaisically arriving 2 minutes late, he cleaned an active’s apartment for 8 hours straight while listening to “What Does the Fox Say?” on repeat.

“Every time I would finish cleaning, they’d empty out the garbage I had just cleaned up and undo everything I had just done,” he said. “They even made me wear a fox costume the whole time and make all the noises in time with the song.” “I can’t believe they tricked me,” Billy whined as he rubbed his ass. “They seemed so sincere and cool.” The Black Sheep realized Billy had been hovering over his chair the duration of the interview. When asked why he wasn’t sitting down on the chair, Billy pulled down his pants to reveal large red streaks across his ass cheeks. He explained that he had been paddled the night before, because he accidentally “finger-blasted the Vice President’s sister” at their ABC exchange two days before, and “since the Vice President is a boner, everyone thought it was pretty funny.” He begged us not include that statement, but he’s a pledge, so who cares? Billy was also upset to learn during the first chapter meeting that the fraternity he was pledging was not a top-tier house, as he was told. The lack of interaction with women is one of the main reasons Billy wants to call it quits with his new “brothers.” “They told me that I’d be slamming dimes on the reg, but the only action I’ve gotten since pledging other than the VP’s sister was a shitty hand job from another pledge,” he grumbled. He also learned his fraternity didn’t

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even have a house and what he had thought was their house was actually just Maxwell Place. “There’s a few apartments scattered around campus,” Billy noted, “they told us we’re not allowed to meet everyone in the house until we initiate.” When asked how many pledge brothers he has, he replied “I’m not allowed to meet them yet, but probably around 25 or so.” After further investigation, it has become clear that Billy is not pledging a fraternity, but has been tricked into doing chores and ridiculous tasks by a small group of students on campus. He refused to believe it, citing, “You don’t know what you’re talking about you stupid geeds.” However, it appears that Billy will be a GDI pledge indefinitely, which, we guess, is poetic or something.

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Around campus LICKING STUFF EDITION

We tweeted out a request to send us pictures of you licking something. and boy, are we glad we did.

from the tweets If you had to move one part of your body to another part of your body, what would it be?

A Cyclist’s Open Letter to U. of kentucky Drivers

The

Top

Ten

Places for wildcat women to Poop By: Cassandra Shouse

So you’re in a pinch and you have to pinch one off. Unfortunately, your persistent bowels will not wait until you’re in the comfort of your home or respective dorm. You’re in the middle of campus, but you have not a clue as to where you should evacuate. To help, The Black Sheep has taken the liberty of listing the top 10 best spots on campus to drop the kids off at the pool, or, if you’re the 1% of females who don’t do that sort of thing, water the lily. 10.) Chem Phys: There’s nothing really unique or special about these restrooms, the bright Brady Bunch Formica is found in most bathrooms on campus and it’s your typical 3-staller, but it’s a good central location, and after 3 p.m. the place is abandoned except for a few researchers. It’s a great place to lighten your load before making the trek to your car. 9.) Library of Science: The bathrooms in the Library of Science have the rustic charm of a summer camp bathroom, minus the open ceilings and awkward bug bites. Despite this, it’s clean, and while most students are fighting over the two stalls in the bathrooms at the Fine Arts Library, you can use the bathroom here without having to awkwardly make eye contact with someone through the stall doors. 8.) Kastle Hall: Unfortunately, we could only find the men’s restroom in the basement, and ladies, be jealous. The men’s restroom closely resembles the prestigious bathrooms of Oxford or Cambridge. There are no metal or wooden stalls here, they’re porcelain and match the floor tiles, and it’s spotless.

By: C Weaver Dear Drivers of UK, We all know that you care more about having AC and cup holders than you do about trivial things like exercise or pollution, but in case you haven’t noticed, you aren’t the only ones on the road. No matter how many times you sit at the crosswalk right in front of campus, rolling your eyes and having a conniption, we aren’t going to feel guilty for riding our metal stallions. We’re Earth friendly, fit as a fiddle, and we look freaking hot as the wind blows through the bit of hair peeking out of our helmet. Admit it. You’re just pissed because we can get away with riding on sidewalks, using crosswalks in lieu of traffic signals, and blowing right past you on Rose Street. Best of all, we get to wear tight biker shorts without it being ironic. Yet, you make it your mission in life to run us down or scare us out of our Under Armour. You pretend you don’t see us in the big lane marked with a distinct picture of a bicycle, despite the rapidly blinking lights on our ride and reflectors on our helmets. You even pretend you don’t hear our cute little bell or the baseball cards hitting the spokes of our wheel. We also don’t always have that fancy bike lane at our disposal, so perhaps you can forgive us for that extreme amount of effort it takes you to shift your steering wheel a little bit to the left as we pedal with futility like the Witch from Wizard of Oz. At this point, we’ve somehow managed to escape death on campus and you’d think we would at least come out with a bit of dignity. But the endless jokes are starting to make us crazier than Cats fans in March. No, Mr. Speedway cashier, I don’t need any gas, and yes, I’m aware that the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike is the pavement. Here’s a tip: don’t use jokes that are twice as old as you. And to everyone who has ever said “You should get some pegs and let me ride on the back”: we will find you and we will chain you to the columns of Memorial Hall. You know you weigh twice as much as you did in eighth grade right? Your fat legs alone would ruin our wheels, so maybe getting a bike of your own would actually do you some good. So next time you see us biking our way through campus, scoot your gas guzzling, mammoth of a Range Rover (that you’re definitely not using to compensate for anything) a bit to the left, and try not to give us the finger as you do so. We aren’t the devil, we don’t think we own the streets, and we’ll try not to steal all the good-looking singles away with our svelte physique. But just remember, while you wait fifteen minutes for the stupid Greg Page bus, that you could almost be to K Lot with an ass you could bounce a penny off instead of sitting next to some freshman dweeb who smells like he’s been sweating it out in Chem Phys all day.

7.) The Fine Arts Building: The cushioned leather benches feel like cow angels kissing your hindquarters. Although it has multiple stalls, a lot of the fine arts students are too busy either with brand practice or rehearsals to use it, so let ‘er rip. 6.) Funkhouser: The bathrooms on the first floor, next to the engineering room are not 5-star worthy, in fact, they’re not even worthy of 3, but after 3 o’clock these bathrooms are deserted. And if the smell of classic orange Dial soap doesn’t bother you then this bathroom is an all right place to seek solitude and reflect on why you decided to eat food from Twisted. 5.) Engineering Building: We’re all jealous of how aesthetically pleasing the Engineering Building and courtyards are. It’s no surprise this carries over in their restrooms. First of all, do NOT confuse this with the bathrooms in Anderson Tower. The nerds in the Ralph G. Anderson are much more welcoming. The best restrooms here are on the third floor nestled amongst the offices of faculty. You feel like you’re entering the bathroom of some nightclub with its dark blue and grey tiles, the only thing missing is a bowl of condoms and the muffled bump of electronic music. 4.) Lafferty Hall: Not only does this bathroom have a cute vintage mirror, but it also has a bench, a cushioned loveseat, and a mix match of small living room furniture in a separate room adjacent to the stalls. This place could be a happening spot in the early afternoon, but around 2 p.m. you can steal away some alone time and heck, maybe even get a little light reading done if hanging out in a bathroom doesn’t weird you out. 3.) The Hub: If you’re in the library and your Starbuck’s liquid breakfast is hitting you hard, just make your way to basement. In the corner where the snack machines are you’ll want to head towards the right with the emergency shelter sign. Go through there, make a quick right, and you’ll come to a secluded one sitter. Since the Hub is almost always busy, it’s not of the most private venues, but it works in cases of both intestinal and natural disasters. 2.) Breckinridge Hall: Here is one of the most secluded bathrooms on campus. It’s a one sitter, handicap accessible and even though it looks like something you’d read about in a Chuck Palahniuk novel with its ancient radiator and cracked tile floors, it’s pretty clean and super private. It’s a must if you can handle the smell of old books and popcorn. 1.) The Journalism Building: Not only is this building home to the College of Communications, but it also houses two of the best bathrooms on campus. They’re your best bet if privacy is something you desire (they’re single person). They stay really clean, and they always smell like vanilla or oranges. Happy pooping!

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The Top 10

Awful, Unfunny Twitter Accounts Your Dumbass Friends Are Following (and How to End Your Friendships With Them)

Running a Twitter account is hard. Trying to come up with witty things to say and relevant jokes to make is not as easy as the handsome, well-endowed and talented folks at The Black Sheep make it look. However, despite the best intentions of those with actual senses of humor, Twitter is populated by a number of “comedy” and “parody” accounts that have an endless supply of followers. If your Twitter feed has ever become infested with terrible attempts at topical jokes, puns and memes, it means one of your friends has caught the Parody Plague, and it’s time to cut him loose. Here, we’ll detail some of the worst accounts on Twitter, accounts so bad that ending your friendship over them would be more than justified.

Read on to see the first five most obnoxious Twitter accounts!

Next Week: The crème-de-la-crème of crap: the top-five worst accounts on Twitter.

Dishonorable Mentions:

@TotalSratMove • @_DosEquisMan, @FauxJohnMadden • @The_HelenKeller, @ItsBadLuckBrian • @SenTedCruz

10. @chuck_facts

WORST of the WORST

9. @OhWonka

8. @WolfpackAlan

WORST of the WORST

WORST of the WORST Terminal, communicable disease-based humor is a surefire way to prove that you’re an insensitive asshole with the intellect of a poorly raised child. It is 2013. That means that Chuck Norris “jokes” have been around for eight years, and have not been funny for seven-and-a-half of them. The entire premise is “Chuck Norris Does Absurd/Impossible Thing” and that’s literally it. That’s the entire joke. It may be kind of worth a sly grin the first couple of times you hear one, but after the sixth time you hear that “Chuck Norris pushes the Earth down when he does pushups” you should make like the terrible Chuck Norris joke reference on Family Guy and punch that person in the face. This account is only ranked so low because it sticks to its principles and does not branch out, which is kind of the point of a parody account. However, it’s here because it’s terrible. How to End the Friendship: Tell him or her to “talk to the hand” and leave. Because that’s another totally modern and relevant insult that didn’t become oversaturated six months after you first heard it or anything.

When in doubt, homophobia is always a great substitute for actual wit and humor! Ugh, our first image macro-based account. Image macros exploded in the world of internet culture and into the mainstream sometime between 2009 and 2012. The world is a far, far worse place because of it. Any actual attempts at humor by particularly uncreative individuals can now be placed on a picture in Impact font, and scores upon scores of brainless morons will share it. It’s a real case study in just how low we’ve sunk as a society. The Condescending Wonka idea certainly isn’t the worst in theory, but in practice it proves that people don’t even care about the proper use of an image macro, as long as it has some generally relatable and unfunny bullshit spit onto it. Whoever runs this account has forgotten what condescension actually is (or, more likely, had no idea in the first place because they are a humorless shitsack) and replaced it with middle school-level insults towards a general audience. If you’re following this account, we hope you are filled with intense levels of self-hatred, because if not we’re more than willing to fill in the gaps for you. Gene Wilder deserves better than this. How to End the Friendship: Write, “Oh, you thought we were friends? Well then you followed this stupid fucking Twitter account and made me realize that you are unfunny and miserable” on a picture of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka. That should do it.

Gibberish and nonsense phrases are inherently funny because I’m so alternative and random, I should put this tweet next to my Invader Zim picture on my MySpace in 2006! The Hangover was kinda funny in 2009. It wasn’t the “funniest movie ever made” as some made it out to be, but it had plenty of solid moments. Of course, every minor cultural experience requires a Twitter “parody” account, and Zach Galifianakis’ Alan is no exception. Except this isn’t a parody account. In fact, does anybody on Twitter know what parody means anymore? This account tweets random recycled garbage that relates to either 15-year olds who aren’t popular in high school or those who are having their first experience with humor and are wholly incapable of judging the comedic merit of any one attempt to be funny. It’s the same stupidity that every parody account pumps-and-dumps and that their armies of brainless followers will retweet without second thought. It doesn’t even ATTEMPT to write in character or anything. It makes “topical” jokes about Justin Bieber and Twilight and “MIND = BLOWN” linkbait posts. That, plus the wonderful plethora of racism and slut shaming make this account wholly abhorrent. How to End the Friendship: Invite your friends over, and when they all come walking through the door, tell the offender “Not you, Fat Jesus” and slap them in the face.

7. @UberFacts/@WTFFacts, etc. If you have a great thirst for knowledge and the IQ of a gnat these accounts are perfect for you, as they not only make sure all of their facts are easy-to-digest exercises in stupidity, but they usually just make shit up. The word “fact” is used about as loosely as the word “parody” on Twitter, and these guys epitomize that. For every post that is actually a legitimate, reputable, provable piece of information, there are six that prove that sad lonely losers in the 11th grade are truly the greatest people on earth and that all the popular kids are secretly neo-Nazis who will eventually live in trailer parks. Notice a trend? Preying on stupid people and immature high school kids, and reposting the same stuff as everyone else on top of it, makes for a knockout Twitter account follower-wise, and a complete dearth of intellect and humor on your timeline. This account is a one-trick pony, except the pony is filled with shit and every time you try and ride it; it tries to give you a lobotomy. They may not be as bad in terms of attempts at humor as others on this list, but they have one thing few other terrible accounts do: they’re verified. Twitter found it within them to verify this pillar to the sheep-like nature and general stupidity of the average person. Incredible. How to End the Friendship: Just tell them that you read on Twitter that your friendship increases your likelihood of an early death, and that it has to be true because it’s on the internet.

Ah yes, subjective bullshit stats about high school pettiness. The ultimate fact if we’ve ever seen it.

6. @Lord_Voldemort7 Harry Potter is one of the most incredible cultural phenomena of all time. Between absurd book and movies sales, career-making roles for many of it actors, and the cult-like devotion of its most loyal followers, the story of The Boy Who Lived is one that has permeated our culture. A Twitter account pretending to roleplay as Tom Riddle himself was created to tweet about things that are completely unrelated to the Harry Potter universe, the next obvious step in a natural progression. If this account stuck to tweeting stupid shit about Harry Potter for people who cannot seem to escape their own childhoods that’s perfectly fine and inoffensive, but it recycles the same faux-relevant jokes everyone else does most of the time, and people retweet it because “OMG VOLDEMORT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT RIHANNA,” because people are stupid. Over two million followers watch some idiot masquerading as a (dead) fictional character as he tries to relate to every special snowflake who thinks they’re the only person who “hates everyone.”

Ah yes, Justin Bieber and Chris Brown are the exact type of topics that The Dark Lord Voldemort would tweet about if he had a Twitter handle. Bonus abuse humor, because battering women is always funny!

If your obsession with Harry Potter has gotten to the point where your main source of humor must come from a Voldemort role-play account, you should probably find a hobby, because you’re a hyper-obsessive weirdo. The added terribleness of this dumpster fire of a Twitter account making references to Mean Girls, Twilight, The Hunger Games, and Nickelback take it from being awful and stupid and weird to a world-class atrocity. If you follow this account you deserve eternal suffering. How to End the Friendship: Kill their parents.

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Takes on Pumpkin Spice By: black sheep staff

Fall is officially upon us. Time to swap out those banana hammocks you fellas were sporting to Lake Calhoun for some unrevealing sweaters, and switch out those popsicles that took you back to the days of your first blowjob for some good ole’ hot chocolate. So, fall pretty much means more clothes and less sexually suggestive forms of sustenance, but it also means pumpkin. And who doesn’t like a healthy dose of artificial pumpkin flavoring that doesn’t taste even remotely like a real pumpkin? To the untrained eye it would appear as though pumpkin is everywhere, well almost. The Black Sheep is here to offer you some products that would, without a doubt, benefit from a hit of the pumpkin spice flava flav. 10.) ChapStick: Your milkshake may bring all the boys to the yard, but your pumpkin spice ChapStick will keep them there. Lip-smacking good just got a whole lot better. 9.) Crazy Straws: Seriously, as if these things could get any crazier, make them pumpkin flavored and they’ll be declared clinically insane. Who wouldn’t want to suck down a nice cold beverage with the sweet flavor of pumpkin to accompany it? 8.) Office Supplies: Pumpkin spice pencil. Pumpkin spice paper clips. Pumpkin spice scissors. Pumpkin spice three-hole punch. Imagine Midas going into an Office Max, and instead of turning everything to gold, turning everything into pumpkin spice. Need we say more? 7.) Sharpie Markers: Make getting high off of inhaling sharpies that much more festive by substituting out that classic “Sharpie smell” for some sweet, cinnamony pumpkin spice. All the cool kids are doing it. 6.) Socks: What you do with your socks is your own

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business, but don’t let them smell like the Mesa Pizza bathroom after 2 a.m. Athlete’s foot is gross, pumpkin spice isn’t. 5.) Deodorant: Old Spice? No. Pumpkin spice? Yes. If you want your pits to smell like a perfect autumn day, then this product is for you. Smelling your armpits in public just got a whole lot more socially acceptable. 4.) Nail Polish: Mid-terms are here, and all that time you spent watching Duck Dynasty Marathons and eating your body weight in Lunchables is finally catching up to you. With that, your insatiable habit of biting your nails has reawakened, but luckily they taste like pumpkin instead of acetone, so don’t fight it. 3.) Postage Stamps: A source, whose sister’s bestfriend’s uncle knows a guy, told The Black Sheep that the reason people don’t send letters anymore is because when you lick a stamp, it tastes like you’re licking that Paper Mache replica of Helen Keller you made in the 3rd grade. With Pumpkin spice flavored stamps, this becomes irrelevant and the written word is happening again for the first time since the Pony Express. 2.) Condoms: Everyone rejoice, tis’ the season of Halloween sex. Make sure you celebrate accordingly by putting “the D” back into “Pumpkin spiceD”. 1.) Light poles: Minnesota winters are cold, which subsequently makes the urge to resist licking poles when it’s negative degrees outside, that much harder to resist. Your curiosity will eventually get the best of you and you’ll plant your tongue on that light pole like you did at that intense game of Spin-theBottle at your cousin’s bar mitzvah. Bottom line, yo

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken

one item, what would you choose to eat?: Ice cream!

Major: Economics

What fictional hero would be a dick if he was real?: Superman

Favorite Drink: Bloody Marys Favorite Shot: John Wall shots Disgusting Drink: Bourbon What’s the best thing about fall at Kentucky?: Leggings! What’s the worst thing about fall at Kentucky?: Nothing’s bad at my school! What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: Saying “like”.

Trisha of The Tavern Drinking Game Wrecking Ball It’s the insane bastard child of a torrid affair between beer pong, flip cup, dizzy bat and Jenga. No, we’re not asking you to get naked and dance around like Miley. We’re just asking you to get drunk. What You’ll Need: 42 Solo cups, 3 ping pong balls, 2 baseball bats and one perfectly flat table Number of Players: 6 Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between “lampshade over head” and “lampshade in bed.” How To Play: - Set the cups up like 21-cup beer pong, filling the cups with a reasonable amount of beer. - Split up into 2 teams and pair up with someone on the opposite team. - Decide who starts by shooting the balls like regular pong until someone makes a cup. - When a player makes a cup, he and his partner both grab a cup from their respective triangles. - These two players then play a 1-cup game of flip cup. - If the shooter’s partner wins, then both cups are returned to each teams’ triangle and refilled. - If the shooter wins, then his team refills their cup and returns it to their triangle. The partner’s team must stack their cup upside down on their side of the table to make a standing pyramid with a base of 6 cups. - If your stack falls at any point, you must rebuild it and everyone on your team takes a shot. - Continue to play in this fashion, rotating players until one team has a full standing pyramid.

- When the opponent’s stack is complete, the player on the winning team who made the last cup gets a chance to win the game. The player must grab one of the baseball bats and spin around 8 times, with his head on the bat and the other end of the bat on the floor. He then has 3 seconds to pick up a ping pong ball and throw it at the enemy stack. - If he knocks down 15 or more cups, then his team wins! - If he knocks down fewer than 15 cups from the stack, his team must all take a shot. - As soon as the shots are finished, another player on the team can begin spinning around the bat to try again. This process repeats until 15 or more cups have been knocked down. - In the event that fewer than 15 cups were knocked down on the first throw, the opposite team has an opportunity to catch up. They can run to the other side of the table, drink their opponents’ remaining cups, flip them, and stack them. They can start spinning on their own bat and then throwing at the other team’s stack.

The Game Ends When: One of the teams successfully knocks down their opponent’s stack, hopefully without hurling everywhere.

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If you had to eat five pounds of

In the far future when aliens discover earth, what modern object will they think is a sex toy that is not a sex toy?: Bicycles What’s the weirdest Wikipedia page you’ve ever read?: I wouldn’t know… What message would you like to convey to your arch-enemy?: “The best revenge is living happily!” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s funny!

Recipe for disaster Chicago Style Taco The Windy City deserves the nickname, what with Chicagoans bloviating endlessly about what should go on a hotdog and what shouldn’t. Guys, it’s a meat casing stuffed with raccoon assholes, chill out for a second. Still, they’re A-ok in our book for inspiring this gem. What You’ll Need: Taco shells, hot dogs, hot peppers, sweet relish, chopped onions, pickle spears, a tomato, and mustard. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: The Superfans weren’t exactly skinny. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. - Chop the onions. - Slice your tomato. - Once preheated, place the taco shells in the oven for 7 minutes. - Cook the hotdogs in the microwave for 2 minutes. - Remove the taco shells, place one hot dog in each taco shell with a pickle spear on top. - Add onions, relish, peppers, tomatos and mustard as desired. Seriously though, no ketchup.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11

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madlib Even though

it’s a ___1___ night, I’m always down to party! Crush some ___2___, slam some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ ’s cousin’s friend’s neighbor who lives in ___5___ , and they are turning 21. Hell yeah! I love birthdays!

Going to a Birthday party

too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___ , everyone loves those! Maybe a little Pin the Tail on the ___11___ , maybe some helium balloons to get a little funny later. Since I’ve got a fake ID, I want to flaunt it. I’m Ladies love my ___12___ voice impression. bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth Damn, I love that ___13___ so much. of ___7___ just to keep people on their toes. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up I heard ___14___ is going to be there, and a new striped button-up, and just tell people that she can twerk better than ___15___ and it’s from ___9___ because everyone will be ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make 1: Weekday 2: Shitty Beer 3: Freshman dorm 4: Your roommate 5: Notorious party apartment

6: Flavor 7: Unusual liqueur 8: Grocery store 9: High-fashion designer 10: Cliche party favor 11: Animal

a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___ , some ___18___ , and ___19___ , the bitches love them. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to show the ladies that I’ve got pipes… all over the place, if you catch my drift. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___ on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

12: Cartoon character 13: Cartoon that #12 is from 14: Hot girl on campus 15: Young female celebrity 16: Old female celebrity 17: Terrible EDM artist

18: Classic hip-hop artist 19: Popular pop band 20: Classic karaoke song 21: Cartoon from #13 22: Drunk food

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Glyptodon Pelorovis Bluebuck Quagga Dodo Red Rail Red Gazelle Greasefish Bay Thrush Emperor Rat

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