The Black Sheep
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Volume 1, Issue 8 • 2/28/13 - 3/6/13
New Student IDs to be the Answer
to All of Security Problems Mary Venuto wrote this
University of Kentucky students are in for a real treat this upcoming semester. It was announced last Thursday that the Wildcat UKID Center and UK Campus Police have joined forces in order to meet new standards for security on campus. They plan to address the most serious threat to campus security first: the current student IDs. Presently, the student IDs have a simple, archaic depiction of a wildcat in the background with a photo of the student in the top left corner. The new IDs will still retain the students photograph, but will feature a slightly different background graphic, presumably another depiction of wildcat. The Board of Trustees celebrated the measure, passing this proposal in hopes of unifying security standards all over UK’s campus while simultaneously, “coaxing Kentucky students into a warm sense of safety that will never, ever be betrayed.” “The big issue with the current IDs now is that they are easily misused. With a new background and photo these new IDs will be impossible to use fraudulently,” said Kimberley Stockel, the Vice President of Student Affairs. Presumably the new student IDs will be so stylish that bad guys won’t know what to do with them. The new IDs will only work for someone if they wish to use the card’s new superpowers for good. “Like these new cards, Superman can pretty much do anything he wants, and he only ever uses his power for good.” When pressed further, Stockel noted, “No, I don’t know what the Phoenix Force is, I don’t really dabble in the Marvel universe.” Along with a new background the IDs will also feature brand spankin’ new amenities. These “new” amenities are to include access to Flex and Plus accounts, as well as easy access to the Johnson Center. This new technology may overwhelm students at first, but UKPD hopes that after the growing pains everyone will feel at ease. The new student IDs will flip students’ lives upside down. They’ll have the ability to use their meal plans, when, previously, they were forced to forage for sustenance, often facing off against homeless men for McDonald’s dumpster scraps. “Hopefully it won’t prove to be too much for people to get accustomed to, we really need these students in tip-top shape for the Master Plan to come to fruition,” said the Willy T security officer lady. The Wildcat UKID Center also plans to begin their takeover of campus in fall 2013. The Center hopes to open several new branches around campus in order to “make access more convenient for students and faculty.” The walk to room 107 in the student center is currently so out-of-the-way that most people have to decide whether to go to the Wildcat ID office or spend precious time with loved ones, fearing a nuclear apocalypse. The decision has only been made
Never Join an Honors Society
harder by the hordes of people already bombarding the UKID office for new IDs. The Wildcat UKID Center hopes to relieve this suffering felt by both students and staff by offering prescriptions of an experimental new mind-contr—mind relaxant-- from the University Health Center to students waiting in line for more than six hours.
ties should the information they carry about a student’s location be digitally logged. But UK Police Chief, Joe Monroe, pinky swore that cops will not use this technology to track students and that all the Excel datasheets full of student’s private information have, like, a million passwords.
The big hurdle that these IDs now face is the growing concern for students’ and faculty’s privacy rights. At this time the American Civil Liberties Union of Kentucky has not reviewed the police’s takeover of security and tracking duties. These cards could seriously infringe on the owner’s rights to privacy as well as their civil rights or liber-
Students at UK are not overly concerned. The hipster sitting ironically in the middle of the classroom said it best: “I already signed my soul away when I took out thousands of dollars worth of loans to pay for this place.” The moral of the story is that students have nothing to lose, only everything to gain with the new student IDs.
what'’s inside
Kentucky Goes Green in all the Right Ways
Short Shorts in February: A Black Sheep Call for Sanity
It's a terrible hoax! Don't waist your time, money... or dignity.
What's so dope about hemp and why it should be legalized.
If you're freezing your DD's, then cover your knees!
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