Vol. 5, Issue 9
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/24/13 - 10/30/13
The Ghost of Willy t. BY: C weaver
My name is William T. Young and I should’ve gone down in history as the greatest philanthropist of all time, a gentleman and a scholar, but now all I’m known as a fucking library that people despise. However, I am the ghost of UK… yes you blubbering fools, I’m still around. And since it’s Halloween, I plan on making it my mission to scare the shit out of every student who has ever pissed me off: the sorority floozies, every kid who has ever called me “Willy T” (so all of you), and the bastard who won’t quit playing The Hunger Games whistle in my library every five minutes. Only then will you ungrateful bastards know I’m still not alive and well. This Halloween, torture will reign. I tried to bring forth my revenge by stabbing a few feet last year, but everyone claimed it was some horny, foot-loving freshman. I can’t even get credit for causing the football team to lose nearly every game; the people just blame it all on bad coaching, despite the fact that there is clearly ectoplasm all over the receivers’ gloves! What does a ghost have to do around here to be taken seriously? Oh but Halloween night, they’ll all be screaming my name, and not just because they’re hooking up in the study rooms of my library. My plan can’t start until nightfall, but fortunately it’s autumn and the sun is going down faster than basketball groupies during March Madness. My first mission is to be the ultimate of all cock blockers. For every “Coach Cal” who scores a Sloppy Miley at Tin Roof, I’m going to follow them down Maxwell. During each awkward silence, I’ll make the gnarliest fart noises. The girl will come up with an excuse to hit the pavement, and the guy will be left with balls blue enough to match his Cats t-shirt. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just fill the guy’s pants with ectoplasm the second she touches his hand, leaving him squirming and looking for the nearest bathroom. The next step is to get all the kids to drop their beer and get with the fear. Halloween gives everyone a reason to get drunk as fair maidens on a Thursday night, so the party possibilities will be endless. I will head into the first kegger I see on Waller, and walk in on people watching Twilight or some other terrible excuse for a scary movie. I’ll pick up a knife from the countertop and feel no regret as I slash the knife through the air and cut straight through the power cord on the TV.
The girls will be blue vag’ed into not seeing enough shirtless Taylor Lautner, and guys will be wondering why their kitchen knives are flying through the air. They’ll surely know ol’ Willy T is present when I carve my name into their bedpost “T YLLIW”!! And my final plan will take place on Elizabeth Street. I’ll go for straight up ghost spooktacular; it’ll be possession time up in this bitch. I’ll hop into the first guy I see, Evil Dead style, and start running around the house, pushing people down and screaming, “William T. Young is
inside of me! He was the foot stabber! It definitely wasn’t me! It was the ghost of Willy T. And also he was the one who made me send sexy Snapchats to Nerlens! Fear him!” I’m very excited to make my presence known at UK this Halloween, so all you Wildcats beware! But alas, this may also be my last attempt to prove my existence to you all. If I don’t strike fear in a single Wildcat eye then I’m going to haunt Louisville instead. That city has always been full of pansy asses, ever since I was alive.
page 5
page 7
pages 10-11
Congress Debate Over annual Halloween Party
Pranks Someone Needs to Accomplish this Halloween
The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O
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We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and Youtube.
Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com