LSU Fall Issue 4 - 11/29/12

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 1, Issue 4 11/29/12 - 12/7/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheeplsu

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 4: Are you smarter than local music producer Taylor Schneider?

Maybe so, if you can measure the circumference of the beer mug in your hand.

Table of

page 6: The Diary of a Mother Leaf This Louisiana leaf is fed up; all those whiny Northern leaves make dramatic colors when they die, stealing all of the attention..

pages 9: Quiz: What Christmas Song are You?

page 6

Do you jingle bell rock, or are you serious about caroling?

page 12: Five ways to get arrested during finals week Avoid your finals and acquire a criminal record with these handy tips.

page 12

page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App Mob

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Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

word of the week quipster:

A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic.

“What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot?

Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”

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are you smarter than?

Taylor Schneider – Local Music Producer 1) United States History Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

A: A book depository

6) Entertainment Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte --among others-- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

A: Han Solo.

2) Food The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

A: Querigs (incorrect)

7) Literature This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

A: Ayn Rand (incorrect)

3) Geography These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world.

What huge pieces or rock make up the Earth’s crust?

A: Tectonic Plates.

8) World Religion Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?

A: Mecca.

4) Math Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

A: Radius- distance from center to edge. Circumference-distance around the circle. Diameter- width of the circle

9) Biology What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

A: Fat (incorrect)

5) Technology The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

A: Curing tobacco. (incorrect)

10) Current Events Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

A: Anthony Weiner (incorrect)

correct answers 1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it’s center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference

is the distance around a circle.

5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

Taylor's score: 5/10 correct (damn!)

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OPEN BAR 8pm - 10pm

Saturday

FRIDAY, 12/7 FRED’S END OF FINALS PARTY FRIDAY, 12/14 FRED’S ANNUAL GRADUATION PARTY THURSDAY, 12/20 FRED’S CHRISTMAS PARTY

90’S MUSIC & 90’S PRICES! $2 SHOTS $2.25 LONGNECKS, $3 IMPORTS $3.50 MIXED DRINKS, $4.50 CALLS

Don’t Miss!

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1184 Bob Pettit Blvd. • Baton Rouge • fredsbar.com • (225) 766-3909

The Top 10

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things that happened this semester at lsu 10.) Where did the time go?: When scheduling every semester, one of the most important details is the ten-minute grace period before each class. The idea was that if you still haven’t made it in from your night out, you could still just go in to class, still drunk. Not this semester. Instead, the university decided that this semester, classes now start on the hour. Now instead of making it to class on time (but drunk), you can just skip.

9.) LSU hates the wee baby Jesus: In a university sanctioned Geaux-Mail email, a specific picture that depicted The Painted Posse was used to depict true Tiger fans at a football game. There was one problem. The photo used depicted the campus group in their usual painted colors, minus one key feature. The usual crosses that are always painted on the left shoulder had been airbrushed out. Maybe they should have replaced it with a copyright symbol.

8.) The mad rush of pedestrian zombies: This past semester there has been a rash of people getting hit by passing vehicles. This has led many university officials to question how can we fix this problem. The real issue though, is money. After budget cuts, the university won’t have enough money left over to give away free tuition to everyone ashes that has been hit.

The Diary of a Mother Leaf Samantha Bares wrote this AUGUST: Boy, how sweltering hot the air is over here! The semester is starting, the one they call “fall.” Ha. These children wouldn’t know a fall breeze if it raked them into a pile.

This is my favorite time of year, when all the children flood back to campus. Squirrels are just as cumbersome and noisy, always running in and out of the house and trampling the roots in their mad-cap games of “Ring Around the Acorn”, but the students leave much more interesting articles in the neighboring boughs, especially on those nights where the stadium lights up like the Fourth of July. That’s the real joy in having children around, you know. They liven things up, stir up the twigs and all that.

SEPTEMBER: Lord, help me, if it ain’t still hotter than a strike of flint. That silly Isaac knocked down a couple of the neighbors - may they rest in peace - and not much else. Certainly not the temperature, and nary a stem. Like my grandmamma said back in 2010, our bark is worse than any old storm’s bite. The heat has my husband drooping like always and I am dead tired of his endless nagging rustling. I am the main sprout on this branch. I manage all the little sprouts and never bother him with a single detail of the affairs of the foliage. And he just sits back, moaning about that brownish discoloration on his side as if it were the end of the world. No idea what I saw in him all those seasons ago. I had the pick of the bough, all those fresh, sprightly leaves and I chose this! Y’all, let me just shut my mouth before I go and lose my religion over him. The man is caterpillar food, plain and simple.

OCTOBER: The air is finally taking a turn for the pleasant. Meanwhile, those horrible, melodramatic leaves up north are showing off as always, dying these slow, colorful deaths and

putting on a god-awful show. Well, I won’t stand for it. It’s against my principles, against my traditional values as a Louisiana leaf. My branch stands for good, clean, honest greenness, just like it did when I was a bud, not that changeful vulgarity the northern leaves indulge in. It is downright distasteful, their cloaking themselves in the colors of hellfire itself to get some attention. No, I learned as a young sprout that this outfit was the only one for me.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Evergreens have more fun, anyhow.

NOVEMBER: Well, my chlorophyll runneth over! The air is full of gossip and the stench of the funeral pyres of my fallen brothers. I hear from the Death Valley grass—obnoxious, over-fed things— that some children down there on the grounds are involved in this scandal of burning up some marijuana. I’m glad the poor dears had a nice send-off, instead of that ghastly mulching business that too often befalls our kind. Marijuana leaves are always so calm and polite, and I’d hate for all that potential to go to waste in death. Cremation really is the kindest option there is. God bless Tyrann Mathieu, a regular leaf-itarian.

DECEMBER: If you can’t stand the wind, stay out of the grove. Only a week left in the semester, and the students are all a-flutter for their finals, running to-and-fro and complaining about the cold air from their study nooks.

Well, I’ve about had it. Do you know how often I feel a cold front whipping across my stomata? There’s not many thrills in the short life of a mother leaf, and I intend to make the most of this one. Ungrateful children. We’ll see how much you miss the heat in the first thaw of January. See y’all then, if this rickety stem holds out.

7.) Runaway trucks in the quad: After a stressful day of classes sometimes all we want to do is just sit back and relax in the grass and take a nap. That day may just end up being our last though, since a university vehicle actually ran over a student doing just that. Wow, we really can’t get any sleep in college.

6.) The Honey Badger just couldn’t say no: The semester started off with some terrible news; our beloved Honey Badger, Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the 2012 football season simply because he could not say no to Mary Jane. Hello?! Les Miles is already on grass, what’s the worse another could do?

5. ) Tyrann Mathieu part deux, with special guest Jordan Jefferson: Neither of these guys stopped for a moment to think that since they are on the down and out, it’s not a good idea to exacerbate the problem. Of course Jefferson’s reenactment of Cops is a pretty entertaining read.

4.) And the winner is… Obama: In case any of you have been living under a rock for the past month, Obama was re-elected president. This then sent several states crying foul, the most prominent among them being Louisiana. Great, now people will stop thinking we’re kinda racist, instead knowing we’re kinda racist.

3.) Hurricane Isaac - You came, we partied, you conquered Fall Break: Oh Hurricane Isaac. Why couldn’t you have been smooth and gentle just like your brother Isaac Hayes? Instead you only incited more viewership of the Weather Channel than if Jim Cantore would have taken off his clothes on bath salts in the middle of a tornado.

2.) The ‘Bama Game: Yes friends, they came for redemption and received it. We were heartbroken. But in the end we realized that it’s only a football game.

1.) Texas A&M beats Alabama!: Who were we kidding? It’s not just another football game when ‘Bama is involved! We certainly got what we asked for Christmas when the newest team in the SEC beats ‘Bama like a worn out shoe.

Erin Douget wrote this

Crazy Uncle Jackson’s $20 Gift Basket Bonanza!!!

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

For the Very Virginal

For the Super Study Buddy

For the Rowdy Roommate

Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?

The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.

1 Starbucks gift card ($5) She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you by morning.

1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8) If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night?

1 Post-it tags ($4) She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important.

1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3) Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6) Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays.

1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6) The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not.

1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4) It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit.

1 Korky Plunger ($4) Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

For the Hometown Homeboy

For the Mother Hen

Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do.

1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4) When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it.

1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5) Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early.

1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6) Yes, page one has the missionary position on it.

14gb MircoSD Card ($4) He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

For the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one.

Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change.

1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50) He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving.

1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3) Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms.

2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9) The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache.

1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6) Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her.

1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10) With eagle-eye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun.

1 Leash ($6) Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close.

1 Whistle bracelet ($2) As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box.

1 Appointment book ($2) If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

1 Soda Can Stash ($8) No matter the vice, a parent will find it.

Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can.

4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill. When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings.

1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5) When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one.

1 Community college bumper sticker ($3) When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday, 3-6pm $1 Off All Tall Drafts

THUR.

DRINKIN’ WITH LINCOLN! UNLIMITED DRINKS FOR $5 FROM 8-10 $5 Tall Wells, $3 Jager Bombs $4 Imports All Night

$0.60 Boneless Wings Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials

Thursday 11/29: Absolut Party 7-10PM $4 Absolut Martinis $3 Absolut Shots Absolut Girls + Free Giveaways!

Ladies Night - Free Drinks from 8-10! $2.75 Bud and Bud Light $5.50 Absolut Flavors

FRI.

DOLLAR CALLS! $1 Calls from 8-10 $4 Tall Jim Beam & Tall Stoli All Night $2 Rumplemintz Shots All Night

Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials

Live Music! $5 Nachos (11-3pm)

Open Bar 8-10

SAT.

LADIES NIGHT! LADIES DRINK FREE TIL 10 $2.25 Domestics, $3 Wells, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Oh Shits, $3 Vegas Bombs All Night!

Come watch the game at Buffalo Wild Wings!

$3 Sangria Game Day Specials: $5 Beer Pitchers, 2x1 12oz Margaritas, Free Shots when LSU Scores! | After Hours: Live Music, $2 Wells, $1 Draft Beer

90’s Music & 90’s Prices $2 Shots $2.25 Longnecks, $3 Imports $3.50 Mixed Drinks, $4.50 Calls

SUN.

Closed

LATE NIGHT SPECIALS 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials

$3 Sangria (Red & White)

Closed

MON.

THE DRINK EXCHANGE ALL NIGHT! JOIN US FOR MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

$0.60 Boneless Wings Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials

2X1 Margaritas $5 Quesadilla, Rice & Beans (11-3pm)

$2 Shots 12-2 $2.75 All Light Beers $5.50 Jack Daniels Doubles

TUE.

DOLLAR PITCHERS $1 Draft Beer and Well Liquor from 8-10 $4 Tall Calls All Night

Wing Tuesday! $0.60 Traditional Wings Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials

2X1 Margaritas $5 Burrito, Rice & Beans (11-3pm)

$2.25 Longnecks, $4 Doubles $4 Freds and Vegas Bombs $2 Shots all night

WED.

Upcoming Events: Saturday! $3 Sangria Friday 12/7: Fred’s End Of Finals Party Game Day Specials: $5 Beer Pitchers, Friday 12/14: Fred’s Annual 2x1 12oz Margaritas, Free Shots when Graduation Party LSU Scores! | After Hours: Live Music, Thursday: 12/20 Fred’s $2 Wells, $1 Draft Beer Christmas Party

$3.50 FROZEN SCREWDRIVERS EVERY NIGHT! $1 WINE EVERY NIGHT BEFORE 10

THE DRINK EXCHANGE! COLD BEER AND STRONG DRINKS ALL NIGHT

Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials

2X1 Margaritas $5 Enchiladas, Rice & Beans (11-3pm)

$2 Shots All Night! $2.75 Imports and $3 Doubles

Quiz: What Christmas song are you?

1.) Studying for finals, you listen to: A. None other than our campus radio! The hits!

B. My heartbeat and breath.

C. Christmas Music!!!!!!!

D. I prefer to sit by cute girls and listen to them breathe.

2.) Someone invites you to the third Christmas Party of the weekend, you: A. Will go if the guy to girl ratio is heavily in your favor.

B. Prefer to drink whiskey alone during the holidays.

C. say YES! I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME! D. Would rather have your own party, far away from campus.

3.) It’s snowing! This means: A. You get to bundle up in your cutest winter accessories.

B. Death, things are finally dying.

C. St. Nick came! Maybe there are dollars in my shoes!

D. Girls will be easily wooed into staying in warmer places.

4.) People start reminiscing about past Christmases, and now it’s your turn to talk: A. “Last year my significant other and I stayed in and drank wine by the fire. It was so presh.”

B. “Any time of year is good when the old man is too drunk to get mad.”

C. “I can’t decide what Christmas I like the most! I LOVE THEM ALL!” D. You stare into the eyes of the most attractive mate and say “My favorite Christmas has yet to come.”

5.) At what age did you stop believing in Santa?: A. I believe the Christmas Spirit lives on through love.

B. When the old man re-gifted his half pack of cigarettes when I was six.

C. NEVERRRRR!!!!!!

D. I believe Santa lives inside us, and comes out through passionate love making.

6.) What’s your favorite Christmas movie?

A. Love Actually!!

B. The Nightmare Before Christmas.

C. Uh It’s A Wonderful Life? Duh. D. Barbie in a Christmas Carol.

7.) A group you are involved with decides to do a Secret Santa, you buy: A. Hot cocoa and wine :) B. Nothing, I’m sick and can’t leave my apartment…

C. What’s the dollar limit!? I BUY THE BEST GIFTS! D. “Leftover” Magnum condoms.

8.) You’re finally home for winter break, the first thing you do is: A. Send “I miss you,” texts to my significant other(s).

B. Lay in my bed, reaching for my childhood innocence.

C. Help mom put up all the decorations!

D. Look for porn I might have hid in high school.

answer key: A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4

come stop in today! hi-life wonderland • 185 W. State Street Baton Rouge, LA • (225) 388-9199 check us out on twitter! @HiLifeWonder

0-8 “All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey Well aren’t you just a preppy little love bird!? This song revolutionized Christmas by giving people an outright way to say “I want to have sex with you tonight.” So have some wine, wiggle your hips and point at anyone during the chorus, and Santa won’t be the only one coming on Christmas.

9-16 “Carol of the Bells” You are very serious. Christmas is nothing more than a signifier of the endless passage of time.

Christmas bells, snow, and cold weather only mark another year closer to death. People are out there starving, and here we are, worshipping capitalism and reveling in manufactured cheer. In the winter, we should just sit in front of the fireplace, waiting to die.

17-24 “Jingle Bell Rock” You are just the worst. You’re the poster-child for the Christmas season, and everyone cringes at your unwavering enthusiasm this time of year.

It looks like a Christmas bomb exploded in your apartment, and you just love having the sisters over to show it off. If the bar isn’t playing Christmas music, you’ll request it and dance your pants off. DANCE GOD DAMMIT IT’S CHRISTMAS BE HAPPY. 25-32 “Baby It’s Cold Outside” For some reason, winter and Christmas bring out the creep in you. You are the rapiest of the Christmas songs, and unlike Mariah Carey, utterly fail at sexualizing Christmas. The cold weather just gives you a reason to tell girls their “lips look delicious,” and convince them they’ll catch pneumonia if they go outside. Yes, they’ll be way better off staying in your dank love-dungeon for sure.

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.

DJANGO UNCHAINED

KESHA - WARRIOR

WII U

Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox

lame

cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors

GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP

JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL

under-hyped

HOTLINE MIAMI

CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME

Home Alone

A Christmas Story

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Take a drink when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey Take a drink when anytime a scene features hilariously deadly head trauma Take a drink when anyone says, “Uh, he should be dead, right?”

Take a drink when you notice product placement Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself or breaks the fourth wall Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells”

Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams.

Take a drink when Mr. Parker mentions the furnace.

Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out!”

Take a drink when Randy whines or cries.

Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker.

Take two drinks when anytime you see any Wizard of Oz character or the Wizard of Oz is mentioned Chug your drink for the Old Man’s lamp Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells”

Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas Take a drink when something goes wrong Take a drink when a calendar door is opened Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie Take two drinks when Clark's bonus is referenced in conversation Finish your drink for every family lesson learned or attempted

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Elf

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys Chug your drink when Rudolph flies

Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas spirit Take a drink when Buddy is scared Take a drink when Buddy screams Santa Take a drink when Buddy sings Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to Take a drink when maple syrup is shown or mentioned Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up

Take a drink when Gonzo narrates Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument Take a drink when bell rings or a clock tolls Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly Take a drink when THE BELL TOLLS ONE! Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed Take two drinks for each new ghost Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes Take three drinks when Beaker flips off Scrooge as he and Bunsen are leaving Scrooge's office Finish your drink and cry when Tiny Tim dies.

Finish another when they sing "The Love We Found”

page 12

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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you carry your college lifestyle while at home?

“I just don’t go home, it’s easier that way.” - Stephen S., Senior

Five Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Justin Calais wrote this Worried so much about that final that you’re contemplating burning Mike the Tiger in effigy or calling in a bomb threat to the BRPD? News flash: that shit’s been done already. If you want to miss your chemistry final in style, we’re here to help.

Could the time you spent planning this intricate crime have been better spent studying? Nah… We don’t think so.

Release Mike the Tiger on Your Teachers: Mike the Tiger is miserable in his multi-million dollar habitat. He wants some action.

You need to go release him, but you’re going have to figure how to do that on your own. Then find your “favorite teacher” and lather them in a variety of deliciously peppered meats. Actually, uh, it’s better to do that in reverse. Lather your teacher in meat, WASH YOUR HANDS, THOUROUGHLY, and then release the tiger. If your teacher is recovering from being mauled, there’s no way he can administer the final. And who can find a substitute proctor on such short notice? Everybody wins, right?

Release Mike the Tiger and Live in His Habitat: That tiger lives in a nice-ass crib, whereas most students live in the shittiest apartment money can’t buy. Oh how nice it could be, just sitting around doing nothing: playing with a ball, napping for 22 hours a day, and generally living like a king. The only job he has is being a tiger, one that doesn’t even do tiger things, like hunt. He doesn’t even roar. Yeah, that life sounds nice. Here’s how you provide yourself with an opportunity to emulate it.: First, break into his habitat and release him. Once he’s free he’ll almost certainly run down Nicholson or hit up the quad for a good ole’ fashioned frolic. Now you can live life as a LSU mascot until someone notices you’re just a human in a cheesy tiger costume. When you get discovered you may actually end up in a mental institution instead of a prison. In this scenario, make sure they know that you do hear voices, and that Nick Saban sent you to do his bidding.

Change the Clock Tower Bell to Ring ‘Bama’s Alma Mater: This one must be done late, late at night. Stealthily scale up the clock tower in full black attire. Change the bell chime tune from LSU’s Alma Mater to the best version of Bama’s tune you

can find. Sit back and wait for 12 o’clock, the chaos will ensue as those diehard LSU fans overreact. It’ll be straight pandemonium as grown men cover their ears and fight back tears. Then, to add insult to injury, have an Alabama flag drop open on the outside of the tower as the locally-cursed song plays. The ensuing bloodbath will be epic. The LSUPD and a few middle-aged football fans will happily arrest you for treason, but be sure to beg them to avoid hanging for your crimes.

“I still work on my projects when I go home. No stopping college life until I graduate.” - Omar F., Junior

Remind Everyone of How ‘Bama Beat Us in Death Valley After Winning the Championship: Speaking of adding insult to injury, this would be a great way to start a riot. Just go up to random students and say, “Hey remember when Bama beat us in Death Valley after crushing us in the National Championship Game?” After you remind enough of them, a spontaneous riot is bound to erupt. Surely if they don’t kill you, word will get back to the feds that you started a riot. LSUPD will have to react swiftly to keep the peace.

Hijack an LSU Bus: This is easy to pull off, especially since bus drivers just leave the bus running while they go chat with their colleagues. What you do with the bus afterwards is just what your little crazy-ass heart desires, and don’t forget that you have many styles of buses to choose from. You can have the big bus, or the small bus. You can have the empty bus or the one with passengers. Stealing a bus with passengers is like playing a real-life Grand Theft Auto on expert. As your adventure draws to a close run the bus into the building where you have to take your final. If you’re going to go to jail to avoid a final, you may as well help some friends out, too.

If all else fails, remember that cops are pigs, their moms are shameless women, and most of them are not okay with you urinating on them to prove that point; if you wouldn’t say it sober, you should probably shout it at the top of your lungs. In your efforts to join the most elite party-hogs, refusing to let finals put a damper on their drunk, don’t let sobriety-stricken naysayers bring you down. You’re a unique, vomit covered, snowflake with too much snow swag for them to handle.

“I study a lot!” - Laura G., Freshman

real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013

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Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing.

Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays!

But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays.

Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all!

But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop.

Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted!

But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.

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Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again.

Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents!

But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right.

Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy!

But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays.

Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time!

But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer.

Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list!

But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethic friends’ memories do not, you racist.

Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner!

But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength.

Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do.

But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies.

Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome!

But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet.

Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out!

But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em.

Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit!

But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.

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the madlib

dude, did you hear about last night?

Dude, you got to hear about my last night at LSU this semester. It was __(1)__. So it all started when I finished my __(2)__ final. It was __(3)__. When I walked out I felt pretty __(4)__ about it. I am sure I got a __(5)__. I saw __(6)__ in the hall and I __(7)__ his __(8)__ because I felt that __(9)__ about being done with __(10)__. I decided to go with __(11)__ to __(12)__ and get some __(13)__.

That is when my ex walked in with __(14)__. I became __(15)__ and decided to __(16)__.

But before I could get too out of hand Mike the Tiger, the mascot, came and __(17)__ me.

We ended up __(18)__ with some __(19)__ until the security put us out. We decided to go to the Mike the Tiger’s habitat and set the real Mike free. That __(20)__ lives a better life than all of us.

After we got in Mike came out of nowhere and bit off my __(21)__. I started bleeding a lot. Me and Mike the Tiger, the mascot, run to __(22)__ into a class full of students playing __(23)__ with one another wearing __(24)__ costumes. They let Mike stay because he was already dressed for the occasion. But I couldn’t join in their festivities. So I just walked around campus till I passed out on those concrete things in front of the union. That was one __(25)__ night.

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1) Adjective 2) Class 3) Adjective 4) Emotion 5) Grade 6) Professor 7) Violent act 8) Body part 9) Adjective 10) Class 11) Person 12) Bar 13)Alcoholic drink 14) Same professor

15) Emotion 16) Verb 17) Past tense verb 18) –ing verb 19) Plural noun 20) Expletive 21) Body part 22) Building on campus 23) Child’s game 24) Animal 25) Adjective

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