Volume 5, Issue 1 | 9/01/11 - 9/07/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Fre frae...lik te e a rni ll t ty hat rus be h, w er ooh duri oo! ng
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Welcome to Michigan State University Frank Sorise wrote this Dear Incoming Freshman Student, Congratulations on your acceptance to Michigan State University! You are one of about 7,500 freshman students to receive this prestigious honor. And with such a large freshman class, you can expect an average class size of about 200 students, particularly in the classes that you will require the most assistance with. Here at Michigan State University we take pride in treating you like an individual and not a number, because we want you to feel like the unique and talented student that you are. That being said, your given name is now completely useless because we have carefully selected a PID for you. This PID is how you will identify yourself from now on for everything pertaining to life at MSU. Without your PID, you are a useless peasant who will not receive the respect of a normal, breathing human being. Your life is about to drastically change, and Michigan State University is proud to be a major part of how you learn and grow. As you’ll soon realize, in order to fully engage and learn in each of your classes, you’ll need to arrive on time. Because punctuality is of utmost importance, MSU is proud to provide you with the CATA Bus Service. This on-campus transportation service is the most inconvenient and frustrating fucking system you will ever have the pleasure of using. Thousands and thousands of students rely on this method of transportation everyday at coinciding times. It should be noted that CATA buses will be in especially extreme demand during severe weather conditions, in which case, you’ll have to treat every attempt to board the bus as a battle. It will be the survival of the fittest, and you will be defeated nine times out of ten. If you are one of the lucky few to get on board,
Other stuff
Inside
06: Welcome to
Bumvironmentalism Saving the earth, one littered beer can at a time.
you’ll be surrounded with fellow classmates and local residents who will take any and every opportunity to invade your personal space. However, fear not, young Spartan, due to the $11,000 for tuition and $9,000 more you'll be paying for room and board, we will only charge a mere $50 (per semester) to use this system! As mentioned before, we want to provide a comfortable environment where each student can thrive and grow. MSU wants you to grow not only in mind, but also in body, and in order to facilitate this, we have developed a fitness center to accommodate all of your physical needs. We’ve managed to construct a building whose size is completely disproportional to the amount of students we have here and we cannot wait for you to see for yourself! Whenever you feel like blowing off some steam from our impossible university requirement courses, you can rest assured knowing that IM West will be an absolute clusterfuck of people wanting to do the same thing. And if we’re doing our job right, it will be the most uncomfortable and irritating atmosphere you’ve ever worked out in at just $80 per semester. So, welcome to East Lansing, welcome to Spartan Country, and welcome to Michigan State University. This is where your priorities will be turned completely ass-backwards, your health standards will drop lower than your moral standards, and alcoholism blossoms like a beautiful butterfly that flutters around town on Saturday mornings. We are excited to spend the next four years with you… whatever your name is. Sincerely, Michigan State University Board of Admissions
07: Terrible Trends When
40,000 college kids are packed into a small town, some are bound to look like idiots.
13: the black sheep interviews:
swedish rockers, Peter, Bjorn and John!
02
Table of
contents
Page 04
Page 05
Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet, and other generalities about crappy things.
What’s the craziest thing you did this summer?
University Requirements:
04 07
Page 06
Party Pics and Shoutouts: Who doesn't like being embarrassed?
11
From the Streets:
Page 07
Major Small Talk: I already told you, I’m majoring in you shutting the fuck up.
Pages 8 & 9 The World Famous Bar Grid!
Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
Page 14
Page 11
Page 12
Page 14
Bartender of the Week
Academic Skills: Time to Abby from Buffalo Wild Wings is (try) turning that brain of yours back on... turned on by baseball. Nice. Crappy Fall Movie Guide: Everything coming out this fall looks like a pile of shit.
The Riddle Solve the riddle, get a prize. Can you handle it?
REASONs TO LIVE AT THE LODGES...
within walking distance to campus because it’s all about convenience!
517.333.3220 THELODGESOFEASTLANSING.COM
319 EAST GRAND RIVER AVE EAST LANSING, MI 48823
Page Pic three
of the
Week!
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Letter from the editor Welcome back, Spartans. Whether you’re picking this paper up for the first or 50th time, we’re glad to have your attention. Boobs. Cock. Balls. Do we still have it? Good. As you’re finishing up the first week of school, I can only hope our insightful articles will inspire and guide you through the restof the semester when you need us most. And you will need us. Who else are you going to turn to when you’ve hit rock bottom? Will your “friends” even speak to you after you’ve been evicted from your house because you spent all your rent money on booze and smack? When you’re bathing in the Red Cedar River and spending all your time with the feral cats as if they were your own kind?
Come Join the Team! We're looking to bring on some writers, marketers, and groupies. Think you got what it takes? Email us at jobs@ theblacksheeponline.com
Mmmm...where the er flow s like wine, here the beautiful women instbe inctively flock like thewsa lmon of Capastano...
I highly doubt it. The good news is, we’re here for you. I’m here for you. If you stand by our side and let us guide you, we will guide you directly into the light. Your future will be so goddamn bright that you will probably have to squint. But, the point is, The Black Sheep is your go-to guide for all aspects of college life. Hell, we’re the most attractive, stylish, hilarious, and fun people I know. And Andrew Fleming claims to have a giant penis. So, there’s that too. I hope you’ll stick around and get to know us. (Intimately).
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Until next time, -Bailey Walsh
! s m a r g a n A Sexy
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Word of the week Shlacker:
Satan Jams Tho Unable El Origin
Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com
Definition: A person who comes over for sex, but immediately passes out. Sentence: “When I brought Kyle home he immediately fell asleep on the couch, that shlacker.”
04
From 'da Streets "What is the craziest thing you did this summer?"
“I stole a 'Road Closed' sign.”
Adam G., Junior
University Requirements: Required To Be Shitty Justin Gawel wrote this Whether it’s being used to describe the classes you need to take in order to graduate or the number of hours per week you have to spend with those bratty, sticky children who were conceived with that strumpet of an ex-wife, people do not like to hear the word “requirements.” With that said, welcome, freshmen--enjoy fitting these science, writing, and humanities classes into your schedule; they’re a good foreshadowing to the tedious soul-crushing jobs you’ll find in the real world. ISP and ISB For the scientician (or is it scientologist?) in each and every Spartan student, the university has required all of us to take ISP and ISB classes. Don’t ask me what the letters stand for, as I have much more important things to remember(like what time McDonalds flips over to the breakfast menu and the quickest route to Planned Parenthood). Speaking of which, I need to remember my punch card the next time I go, I should be about due for a free one. It should be understood that the best that you can hope to get out of these classes are a few facts about evolution that you can use to fight with your super-religious family members or a shriveled up condom that you found in the Red Cedar while collecting water samples. Ideally, you’d just take Visions of the Universe for your ISP. The class boils down to some third-grade knowledge of the solar system and getting high and going to the planetarium. It’s a good laugh at the end of the semester when you realize you actually received college credit for this joke of a course.
"I played a video gaming-nerdhag-whore in a movie." Annette G., Senior
WRA Ah, and now we can delve into the writing and rhetoric classes that we all encounter sooner or later. And as a fan of America and the English language, I’m in favor of any course that teaches the correct techniques. Granted, these classes are dryer than a post-op transsexual’s vagina, but the alternative is writing like a complete idiot for the rest of your life (it’s not fun, just ask Katt Williams). I think it’s a good thing when we can promote English habits that don’t feature emoticons and retarded abbreviations. Everyone knows that each time you masturbate a kitten gets killed, but did you know that every time you use “LOL” in any context an even more adorable kitten named “Doctor Whiskers” gets horrifically murdered? So, you better learn how to use actual words and grammar unless you’re someone who thinks dead adorable kittens with cute names is something to laugh out loud at. I sure don’t. ISS These social science classes are almost always a pain. Each one boils down to a crazy extensive examination of a social topic or region into more detail than you would ever care about. I mean, come on, we get it… war, famine and disease are all reasons Africa would not be a good spring break destination. Perhaps you’d be interested in reading my entire set of notes from ISS 210: Cults are strange, shit went down at Waco and Heaven’s Gate,and Jonestown didn’t turn out to be the party hot spot people thought it was going to be. Boom, you could have just taught me all of that on syllabus day instead of dragging this thing out for another fourteen and a half weeks. Another word from the wise: be careful when selecting these classes, as there are bound to be a few that are taught by overtly prejudice professors who will view every white guy who walks into their Minority Politics class as Jim Crow Jr. However, sometimes you’re stuck in a class with those circumstances and your only option is to strap on your seat belt and get ready for some good ol’ fashioned white guilt. IAH Finally, for those looking to gain the skills required to become museum curators, art aficionados, or something else equally useless, there is the arts and humanities requirement. No matter which topic you pick, at least ninety percent of your class is not going to give a shit about it, while the other ten percent of the class will be pretentious little pricks who assume their opinions are the most insightful comments the rest of the class has ever heard. “Oh, well, I see this piece of his as a motif to his earlier work with very subtle contemporary tones throughout. Overall, it really speaks volumes to me about the period it’s from.” Listen, I don’t care how insightful or idiotic that quip is; all I hear is the droning of a smug little jackass who needs to get punched in his/her face hole. Advice for IAH: read the Sparknotes, take the exam, and don’t listen to any conceited classmates. Like church or traffic jams, university requirements are not to be enjoyed. And like church or traffic jams, just get through them and never look back.
"I licked the Washington Monument." Jeff H., Senior
05
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Welcome to Bumvironmentalism billy gardner wrote this
I’d like to think of myself as an environmentalist; whenever I finish a can of Keystone Light, I throw it in my front yard immediately. Some may call this littering, but I like to think of it as responsible recycling for a better environment. Why, you ask? Because sure enough, the next time I look in my yard, the can is removed, properly bagged (possibly placed in a shopping cart) and on its way through the recycling process. I had a chance to interview some of the individuals responsible for this movement. Some may call them bums, but they seem to be the greenest people at a school where that color holds the utmost importance. The “Spartan Spirited” (no affiliation with the liquor store) enthusiasts walk (and sometimes sleep) on these streets to set
a precedent for environmental awareness and conservation. They may knock on your door, rummage through your dumpster, or even finish the beer in your hand, but they will get your cans and recycle them, no matter what it takes. These guys would do anything for the environment. One local leader claims to wash his underwear or “drawers” while showering. He can then argue that not only does he save on water, (his 3rd favorite resource to Steele Reserve and Black Velvet), but he also reduces his carbon footprint by scrubbing his undergarments instead of using electrically powered washing machines. Moreover and more importantly,he saves even more time to collect cans. He can now prove that his carbon footprint is in the negatives, since his currency is primarily found in the form of cans. His mere existence on earth, and a currency system mostly comprised of cans makes him the greenest guy around. Sorry Al Gore, but you lose again, “D” is actually doing something about our inconvenient truth. When asked about his insights and advice to incoming freshmen, “D” proclaimed, “People are born everyday, people die everyday, people live everyday, but ya gotta stay clean” (as he knocked back the rest of his 40). The word “clean” here of course refers to “D’s” dedication to environmental preservation. When someone says “I been clean for 90 days,” they mean they have stopped using fossil fuels and most likely started collecting cans.“D” puts it simply and sets a good example for the other “Spartan Spirited” enthusiasts like him, “We have to economize and cut out what we don’t need”
(cracking open his new 40). D’s colleague in can collection, “Just Steve,” claims recovery of an average of 10 dollars in cans per day. If every person in the United States were to do what “Just Steve” does, we would recycle almost 30 trillion cans per day. Both of these individuals combined have collected upwards of 1,200 cans in one day’s work, (or should we say day’s service to humanity?). Many of you are wondering what you can do to help our future and our children’s future, and it starts by prioritizing your own life; we need to pay more attention to these cans and follow the people in charge of this movement. “Just Steve” is a voice for Pure Michigan, Michigan State University, and environmentalists all over the world. “The economy might be in the hole, your tuition might be increasing, but this state has the highest price for cans in the country, why wouldn’t I live here?" asked J.S. Both “D” and “Just Steve” enjoy what they do immensely and use the money they make recycling cans to buy even more cans. Although these cans could possibly be filled with beer and other liquors, the pair is still able to recycle that waste and lend a helping hand to Mother Nature and the human race. Everything this group does is for the environment. I am now able to confirm that I am, in fact, an environmentalist myself. It may not be much compared to these two individuals, but I know I can confidently throw my cans in the front yard and be assured that I’m brightening someone’s day and everyone’s air. It might seem insignificant, but I’m doing my part.
S E R U T C I P k e e w E OF TH
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SHOUT OUTS! Little Balls, you left your clothes at my friend’s house Dear Brody, Sorry about that Asian puking on your laptop and cockblocking you all night. Love, 359 and 360 Larry- sorry my friend told you you were her soul-mate, lured you into our cab, and then made you pay our $30 fee...you win some you lose some. At least you’re “more mature” than we are. Dear drunk-ass, despite popular belief, mouthing “let’s go upstairs and screw” is not the best tactic The Impossible task: Getting Panchero’s all the way home without eating it while hammered Neighbors, quit calling the cops on us, sorry we party Karen E. is the only person on campus who requires a leash Caitlyn S. Shout out to all the people that can see me naked through my window! All the boys playing football during recruitment… yeah, not obvious at all. Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls! -Mike Anthony - If you tell anyone my natural color, I’ll kill you. - Hannah Nick, this year better not be the same as last year when I moved in and caught you jerking it in my room. Seriously. -Kyle Rhett, stop going on Chatroulette... you’ve seen like 14 penises this week. - Omar Steve - the next time you slap a slice of pizza out of hands and onto the sidewalk, I’m going to make you eat it. -John To the boys outside watching the girls walk by during formal recruitment: they may be a 10 but you’re still a 5. SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
06
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Welcome Back to terrible trends
07
black betty wrote this The beginning of the school year is a very exciting time for those of us living the MSU American dream. By “the MSU American Dream,” I of course mean going away to school, drinking until you’re someone else’s problem, and living the stress-free life that exists before class starts to shit on your school spirit. One thing we take for granted during the last days of summer is the fact that we can carelessly and comfortably wear whatever we want—including little to no clothing at all. However, just because you can basically wear whatever you want at the end of summer doesn’t mean that you should. While I break down some of these awful trends that will most likely be seen walking up and down Grand River as you’re nurturing a pint of Burnett’s, take solace in the fact that I am not judging you as a person, just your unoriginal statements of aesthetic expression. Let’s first discuss the new fad among females that is crackle nail polish. Essentially, the concept of this nail polish is that you paint it on like you would any other polish, but this kind immediately chips as it dries. We are actually living in a world where girls willingly pay money to make their nails look shitty even quicker! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…logic. The second trend I assume will rear its ugly head right back onto your ugly head this fall are vintage snapback hats. While I don’t exactly hate this trend because it is something that allows me to hide my face from the world, wearing it backwards while paired with a Lacrosse Penny
is a definite fashion no-no. I must also include the typical two-color wayfarer sunglasses. Wait, wait, don’t tell me. You picked these up as a promotional back-to-school gift at a campus bookstore or the union because you saw your suite-mate wearing them in the cafeteria. Ask yourself, why? Did you even want to, or were you so bewitched by the mystical black on green sunglasses that you had no choice but to pick some up yourself? Wipe the drool from your lips, rub your eyes, and get it together because it was all just a bad dream that can be ended by taking off those damn glasses. Can someone please explain the allure of feather extensions or the fascination with dyeing one’s hair with bright blue, green and purple streaks? What exactly ignited the desire to don one self with bits of birdies hanging from your head or dyeing your hair colors that say, “I’m too hardcore to take myself seriously!” I mean, it’s a serious question. And lastly, and quite possibly the worst of all: a big, dark hickey on your neck. Ironically I’m writing this while wearing a nice one, but I’m not the one on trial and I’ve invested in a scarf. Nobody wants to see that someone else has been sucking on your skin hard enough to break blood vessels. So, a word from the wise—try to keep them below the belt, folks.
Welcome to Major Small Talk Nick Palazzalo wrote this Summer is over and school is back in session, which means that everyone from the freshmen to the super seniors will be meeting and mingling with new people. One of the first questions you inevitably ask/get asked is, “So, what’s your major?” These are a just few of the typical individuals you are bound to come across. The Extremely Over Ambitious: These are the kids who, you guessed it — think they are way smarter than they actually are. Getting good grades in high school has these kids thinking they ought to be in the Ivy League. The guy who decides to double major in Mechanical Engineering and Human Physiology, ready to take on the biomedical world dick first. There’s that old saying, “Good grades. Enough sleep. Social life. Pick any two.” Congratulations, your shoot-for-the-stars attitude means you only get to pick one, and considering your pretension, I’m going to guess that a social life isn’t going to come easily. And of course, there are the idiots who think they have what it takes to be a doctor. When you ask what they’re majoring in, you’ll get the swagger filled response, “Pre-Med.” Get off your high horse, hombre; you can be cocky when I’m your patient in your room. The Ones Who Tell You Their Specialty: These are the chumps who will tell you exactly what job they’ll be doing seven years from now. One step at a time there, big fella, you haven’t accomplished anything of worth quite yet. You’ll run into the chick who watched season one of Bones on Netflix, which made her decide that she’s going to get her doctorate in Forensic Archeology and Anthropology. The Bureau of Labor Statistics is reporting a huge increase in job growth by 2020. Four total jobs to five…that’s 25 percent! Great numbers. Or if you’re really lucky, you’ll meet one of the 35 nursing majors who are going to become nurse anesthetists. Why do all the nurse wannabes need to justify their major choice by telling everyone they’re going be the highest paid nurse in the whole wide world? My favorite nurse majors are the guys; they think they impress us by telling us they’re going to make $130,000 a year. In reality, all they did was arm us with a comeback to any burn for the rest of their lives.
“Nick you’re a douche because you like Cinnamon Cake scented candles.” “At least I’m not a male nurse.” Their rebuttal, of course, will always be that all their classes are filled with “hot bitches.” Too bad you’ll have to wipe old, obese people’s asses more than once in your life. I don’t know about everyone else, but that’s enough to make my penis jump back up into my body. The Douche Who Responds With The Name Of Their College These are the kids who will respond with “James Madison” or “Lyman Briggs” instead of giving you any real indication of what career they may be pursuing. They’re the Peace-Corps-bound, free loving hippie liberal who thinks they actually know what they’re talking about when they just respond to the ultimate question by naming the fourth president of the United States. What do your graduation requirements include? Four WRA credits, eight ISS, eight ISB, and then two full years of reading nothing but biographies about this dude? Or maybe it’s one of the Briggs Kid who is essentially letting us know right off the bat that they were drafted first round into the nerd league at Michigan State. He’s usually getting a double major in Microscopes and Anime, with a minor of Never-Getting-Pussy-EVER. The only thing getting blown in those dorm rooms are Nintendo 64 Cartridges. And then there’s rest of us, the people who unenthusiastically mutter, “English” or “History” or “Accounting” when we get asked what our major is. We’re just more interested in where you’re keeping the beer.
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THURS, 9/01 FRI, 9/02
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MON, 9/05
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TUES, 9/06
$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands
Giveaway Tuesday Win great prizes every week! $2 Domestic Lites $2 Well drinks
$3 Domestic Pints $3 White Gummy Bear Shots $5 Doubles
1/2 Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Everything except premiums $3.99 Basket of Wings from 4pm-9pm
SUN, 9/04
WED, 9/07
Come Check Out the BEST SPORTS BAR IN EAST LANSING! New Location in Chandler Plaza! 4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $3 Well Drinks $4 Tall Domestic Drafts $1 Off All Wines & All Appetizers 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Two Shots, $2 Kamikaze
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Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Lions vs. Buffalo Bills at 6:30 pm. Join us for all the game action!
Thirstygirl Thursday DJ BOBOLAI – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers
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Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. White Sox at 7:05 pm.
TGIF w/ Mega 80s! $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks $2.50 Stoli Drinks
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Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9
SUN, 9/04
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Happy Labor Day!
$3 Burgers Until 4PM $1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers No Cover
Buy 1 Smoke Session for $12, Receive Same Flavor Refill for Free!
MON, 9/05
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Tigers vs. Indians at 7:05 pm. Cheer on the Tigers while enjoying our specials!
Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas
Guess the Flavor Night First 2 Correct Guesses Receive FREE Smoke Session!
TUES, 9/06
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10 pm!
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!
WED, 9/07
We've got space for ONE more bar...who's it going to be???
The Bar Grid
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Bartenders of the
Week
Abby Wings d l i W o l a f f bu
Major: Livin’ Large Relationship Status: It’s complicated Nickname: “Bitch” Describe yourself in three words. Outgoing, snotty, bullshitless If you could bang any celebrity, who would it be? Jim Rome Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever hooked up? At a playground What’s your biggest turn on? When the Braves win a game, anything’s a turn on What’s your biggest turn off? Someone who’s not a sports fan What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever heard from a customer? Hi, I’ve got the best smile, and I just thought I’d show it off What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever heard from a customer? So
drinking game:
Grand Larceny Lie, cheat, steal. These words are big no-nos in the religious text of your choice, but people do them everyday. That pains us far too much, so we’ll drink to forget that sad fact. Number of Players: Three to six. What You Need: A deck of cards and a case of beer. Intoxication Level: You’ll rob a liquor store, and then buy beer from them. How to Play: -Have all players sit in a circle, shuffle the deck of cards. -In Grand Larceny, numbered cards are worth their value in drinks, face cards are multipliers (both a king and a queen would double the drinking) and spades are a pass. Aces count as one. -One player draws a card. If it is a number card, that player drinks the number of drinks on that card. -If a player draws a face card they drink nothing, though the next player’s drinks (assuming they draw a number card) are doubled. -If two face cards are drawn in a row, the person who pulls a number card would have their drinks tripled. Three face cards in a row? Quadruple the drinking. -Any spade drawn is a pass card. For example, if there is a face card to a player’s right and they draw a spade, it passes the multiplier on to the next player. The Game Ends When: The drunken mess next to you steals your heart.
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where’s the nearest high school? (thinking she was in high school) What’s your favorite fast food? Taco Bell or Arby’s What was your favorite thing to do this summer? Baseball games and the beach What’s the most obnoxious thing people do at the bar? Stand on the table and sing the fight song-we all know we’re at MSU Do you have any advice for summer flings? Don’t get caught What’s your ideal first date? Road tripping to the casino Do you have any hidden talents? I’m disgustingly flexible (really, she showed me, and it was gross)
recipe for disaster:
Chocolate Lover’s Soup
Like any –holic, those with addictions simply cannot be stopped. A cheese addict? Get them a bowl of queso before they start fitting uncontrollably. A sex addict? Don’t let them near anything holey and moist. A chocolate addict? Well, I think we’ve just found their stash. What You’ll Need: 1 cup of fudge brownie mix, 1/4 cup milk, 1/2 cup of chocolate chips, 1/4 cup of peanut butter chips, graham crackers and whipped cream. Cook Time: 2-3 minutes. Fatty Factor: Hey, there’s some calcium! Healthy bones, y’all.
Let’s Get Baked: - Mix together the fudge brownie mix with the milk until you get a pudding like consistency. - Stir in the chocolate and peanut butter chips gradually. - Stir in generous amounts of whipped cream to lighten it up. - Garnish with crushed graham crackers on top. Thank god you got your fix! If they say they aren’t addicted and can stop at any time, show them to prove it to you. Chances are, they will run away with the bowl… of chocolate.
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Welcome Back Academic Skills
Leanne Johnson wrote this
Imagine this: it’s the first day of school, 10AM, you’re possibly (probably) still drunk, and you are hit with a ton of bricks when you look down at your syllabus and realize you forgot how to read. Or you’re buying a pencil and forget how to count out as little as 60 cents. Or you’re late for class because it took 45 minutes to figure out how to zip up your backpack. Well, for some of you this is reality. Most of us have gone three months with using our brains at a bare minimum, such as deciding between spending the night at PT's, Dublin or Rick’s (big decision, I know). You have spent all summer drinking, doing drugs, and maybe even babysitting on the side. Somewhere from the exposure to alcohol, cocaine, and children’s television, you lost all of your academic abilities. Don’t worry, though. Reading, math, and basic motor skills are easy to recover after a hazy summer. You should probably start small. Instead of jumping right into your Chemistry book, begin with sounding out some words in your friend’s Facebook statuses. Because you know these people, and they have most likely forgotten how to read and write as well, it should be easy to decipher what it all means. Then, try to make a status yourself. Don’t worry, you can keep it simple. Try just a few words at first like, “I am drunk” or “Hittin da club.” Don’t be concerned about sounding intelligent because Facebook is not and never will be a place for profound ideas. Just think of it as practice. When you have mastered this, try reading an actual article. Don’t strain yourself now-- try picking up an issue of Seventeen. The subject matter is relevant,and they even teach you important life lessons, like how to talk to boyz. With reading material like this, you will be able to comprehend academic textbooks
in no time. For those of you struggling with math, what do you think a calculator is for? Carry a pocket-sized calculator around as you slowly memorize the more simple equations. You can memorize these by borrowing an elementary school child’s timetables. If you find yourself without a calculator, use your phone. If you don’t have a phone, use your fingers to count. If you don’t have fingers, you’re fucked. Either way, if you keep within the single digits, you should be fine. Now that you can read and do some fundamental math, you can work on mastering your basic motor skills. You will need these skills to write, type, and swipe your bus pass; these are all crucial for attending school. Start with practicing writing your name. This way, even if you do turn in illegible bullshit, the professor will at least know where it’s coming from. You can practice typing by emailing your grandmas (they love an excuse to use technology). However, you must first remember the password. The only reason most of you use your email is to print out Wendy’s coupons anyway, so this might be a challenge. However, all you need to do is find your student number and reset the password to something simple, like your name then 123. If you can’t remember that, well, then you should consider transferring to LCC. If you are able to read this article, you’re already on your way to success. And if you find yourself in a predicament where you don’t know the answer to a question, try the oldest trick in the book: run out of the classroom holding your butt. No one will question you if you look like you are about to crap yourself. See ya on the Dean’s List!
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the movie page Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide
We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “Holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan
Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister. Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.
Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh. Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metal-on-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a Planned Parenthood dumpster. Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunkinfluenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.
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the MUSIC page
The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn) Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago, with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like "Young Folks" change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% "screw it" and 50% "let’s not screw it up." Having a hit in the genre of "indie-pop" --or whatever we are-- could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, "confusing." For us "the hit" works like a carrot on a stick, "Young Folks" has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Lil Wayne
Tha Carter IV
The third time’s the charm, not the fourth. If you’ve never heard the saying “never be the last one to leave a party,” then you’ve probably been the last one at a party before, and know how awkward/terrible it is. All the cool kids arrive fashionably late then bounce before there’s even a hint of the party winding down, and there you are, too drunk on the front steps with rap music blaring to no one. It’s an important statement to live by, friends. Though Wayne took a hiatus from the rap/ rock-party scene after Rebirth to spend 8 months in the slammer, he had good intentions for how to pop back from that. He started recording his 9th studio album The Carter IV shortly after the amazingly successful The Carter III came out in 2008, which sold millions of records and won him a Grammy. After the success, he put the recording on hold so that he wouldn’t release something “potentially inferior” (yet, see Rebirth and I Am Not a Human Being). Sounds pretty pessimistic, Wayne. The first single from The Carter IV, “6 Foot, 7 Foot,” has a catchy beat via the Jamaican folk song “Day-O” (perhaps most familiar during that one scene in Beetlejuice when the gang starts dancing and singing around the kitchen table) which is a creative cop-out to a catchy hook. But that’s fine, because more of the original beats on the album definitely don’t deliver. Drake is back and boring as ever, lending uninspired vocals to the second single “She Will” where he raps about if he’s going to get some pussy from this girl, and that maybe he will but
C-
then again, maybe he won’t; how deep. “How to Hate” features perfectly awful T-Pain, autotuning his way into oblivion. People still use Autotune, seriously? It’s a shame, because the lack of talent from Drake, T-Pain and a few others that collab on this album take away from what Wayne could have done… or perhaps it was to gloss over what he was unable to do. “President Carter” is a clever song that samples Jimmy Carter’s inauguration from waaay back when in 1976, so now you know instead of continuously thinking that it sounded “familiar.” But besides from that, this is one of the better slower songs on the album. One of the other slower songs “How to Love” is an emotional, well-produced tune that I can give props to, but Lil Wayne at his best is not crying about how he doesn’t know how to love. He's better when he’s screeching and being loud and fun, which is what he needs to go back to; more creativity and originality, less boring beats that all start to sound the same. I don’t think Lil Wayne should have ended his career just because he spent some time behind bars, but he just needs to know when to leave the party. But at this rate he better stick around until the next one, because I think he left his talent between the couch cushions at the last one. Sounds Like: Lil Wayne is getting tired. Download: 6 Foot 7 Foot, President Carter, Outro Listen to it When: You’ve been a fan of Wayne’s since his Cash Money days, and you just have to.
>>> UPCOMING RELEASES David Guetta - Where Them Girls At Cobra Starship - Night Shades George Straight - Here For A Good Time Mike Doughty - Yes And Also Yes
Princess Chelsea - Lil Golden Book Red Hot Chili Peppers - I'm With You The Red Suit Apparatus - AM I The Enemy The Rapture - The Grace Of Your Love
TBS: What's the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city like Chicago and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make--or speak in-- generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You've shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you're not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.
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Can you solve the riddle?
Send in the question AND answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. First 10 win an awesome prize!
( class time )
Madlib: Welcome back to campus! 1) fast food place 2) best friend 3) type of dog 4) body part 5) one of the senses 6) vegetable 7) minority group 8) type of car 9) action 10) number 11) sexual move 12) current crush 13) dance move 14) campus building 15) type of beer/booze 16) old roommate 17) campur bar 18) body part 19) last hookup 20) non-sexual body part 21) name of campus bus 22) friend 23) type of clothing 24) greek house 25) eating/drinking item 26) condiment 27) type of student
Wow, am I glad school is back in session! This summer I worked at ____1____ with ____2____ and it sucked ____3____ ____4____. Every day I had to ____5____ the ____6____, and then take the ____7____ still there from the night before and throw them in the ____8____ outside. Embarrassing. Anyways, enough about my ____9____ summer, time to focus on the future. I’m thinking I’ll go on a ____10____ day bender, during which I can finally ____11____ ____12____ and then ____13____ in the ____14____. We all know he/she deserves it. The one thing I won’t do is drink ____15____ with ____16____ again, last time that happened I ended up at ____17____ showing everyone my ____18____ and well, nobody was impressed. I really hope I run into ____19____ soon though. We left last semester all weird after we rubbed ____20____ on the ____21____ and ____22____ walked in on us. They asked why we weren’t wearing any ____23____ and we told them we had just seen some ____24____ and they took them. Somehow that worked, but come on now. So, raise your ____25____ to another great year starting up. Let’s hope we all manage to rub some ____26____ on some ____27____ this week!
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