Volume 5, Issue 1 | 9/01/11 - 9/07/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Fre frae...lik te e a rni ll t ty hat rus be h, w er ooh duri oo! ng
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Welcome to Michigan State University Frank Sorise wrote this Dear Incoming Freshman Student, Congratulations on your acceptance to Michigan State University! You are one of about 7,500 freshman students to receive this prestigious honor. And with such a large freshman class, you can expect an average class size of about 200 students, particularly in the classes that you will require the most assistance with. Here at Michigan State University we take pride in treating you like an individual and not a number, because we want you to feel like the unique and talented student that you are. That being said, your given name is now completely useless because we have carefully selected a PID for you. This PID is how you will identify yourself from now on for everything pertaining to life at MSU. Without your PID, you are a useless peasant who will not receive the respect of a normal, breathing human being. Your life is about to drastically change, and Michigan State University is proud to be a major part of how you learn and grow. As you’ll soon realize, in order to fully engage and learn in each of your classes, you’ll need to arrive on time. Because punctuality is of utmost importance, MSU is proud to provide you with the CATA Bus Service. This on-campus transportation service is the most inconvenient and frustrating fucking system you will ever have the pleasure of using. Thousands and thousands of students rely on this method of transportation everyday at coinciding times. It should be noted that CATA buses will be in especially extreme demand during severe weather conditions, in which case, you’ll have to treat every attempt to board the bus as a battle. It will be the survival of the fittest, and you will be defeated nine times out of ten. If you are one of the lucky few to get on board,
Other stuff
Inside
06: Welcome to
Bumvironmentalism Saving the earth, one littered beer can at a time.
you’ll be surrounded with fellow classmates and local residents who will take any and every opportunity to invade your personal space. However, fear not, young Spartan, due to the $11,000 for tuition and $9,000 more you'll be paying for room and board, we will only charge a mere $50 (per semester) to use this system! As mentioned before, we want to provide a comfortable environment where each student can thrive and grow. MSU wants you to grow not only in mind, but also in body, and in order to facilitate this, we have developed a fitness center to accommodate all of your physical needs. We’ve managed to construct a building whose size is completely disproportional to the amount of students we have here and we cannot wait for you to see for yourself! Whenever you feel like blowing off some steam from our impossible university requirement courses, you can rest assured knowing that IM West will be an absolute clusterfuck of people wanting to do the same thing. And if we’re doing our job right, it will be the most uncomfortable and irritating atmosphere you’ve ever worked out in at just $80 per semester. So, welcome to East Lansing, welcome to Spartan Country, and welcome to Michigan State University. This is where your priorities will be turned completely ass-backwards, your health standards will drop lower than your moral standards, and alcoholism blossoms like a beautiful butterfly that flutters around town on Saturday mornings. We are excited to spend the next four years with you… whatever your name is. Sincerely, Michigan State University Board of Admissions
07: Terrible Trends When
40,000 college kids are packed into a small town, some are bound to look like idiots.
13: the black sheep interviews:
swedish rockers, Peter, Bjorn and John!