The Black Sheep FR
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... li al ke d l w ri ee nks ke nd fro lo m a ng lu mn !
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 7 10/10/12 -10/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
The International Bacon Shortage: An Emergency Manual alex everard wrote this
Attention fellow attractive human beings and not-so attractive human beings. I have just received information detailing an ominous and unavoidable event fast approaching mankind. In the coming weeks, the United States will experience a crisis that has the potential to be more devastating than the Great Depression in terms of psychological depression alone. Sadly, and I’m typing this through tears, there will be an indefinite bacon shortage. Now, as a nation, it’s important that you stay calm and remain rational during this intense period of hardship. You may sob uncontrollably. You may not want to get out of bed. You may even consider drowning the kids in the bathtub just to spare them from having to exist in a world where bacon is scarce. However, we must carry on and stay strong, America. It will be tough, but we will be able to get through this. We have made it through World Wars, Red Scares, and all those terrible remakes of the Hulk movies; we can make it through this. As true advocates for the common man, we’ve compiled a list of methods to employ during these dark, porkless days of nonexistent hope and bacon as a cruel, tantalizing fantasy. Do Not Eat Turkey Bacon: Just don’t do it. This is the single most important thing to remember in order to survive the crisis. Eating turkey bacon as a substitute for real bacon during this shortage will produce only one regretful outcome: The unjust imitation flavor will root itself in the taste-perception sector of the brain, seek out the area specifically tailored to enjoy bacon (the Baconomous Orgasmagada), and erase all memory of that rich, authentic piggy flavor. Once the shortage ends, and I assure you it eventually will, you will never be able to taste real bacon the same way. Ration Your Stock: If you’re smart you’ll stock up on fatty, bacony, meaty goodness RIGHT NOW. Seriously, stop reading - go to the nearest Meijer or pig farm, and stock up like you’re preparing for nuclear winter. Okay, now that you’re back - freeze eighty percent of the bacon you’ve just purchased and cook the other twenty percent of it immediately. Indulge like you’re a portly chubster back home after a summer at fat camp. Basically, eat until you feel like never want to eat bacon again. This feeling lasts, on average, six hours. Bacon-God willing, this will buy you enough time to ride out the first quarter day of the shortage in a bacon-induced coma. The remaining eighty percent should be rationed at two percent a day, allowing you to survive the first forty days of the shortage.
Girl Porn: Secret Turn-Ons Revealed
Avoid People Who Don’t Eat Bacon: Whether they’re vegetarians, vegans, poor, or non-baconavours for religious reasons, they will surely be a negative influence on your struggle. They will say things like, “I don’t see the big deal - it’s just bacon,” or, “I can’t believe there have been twenty-eight people murdered over bacon this weekend,” or “What a-boot some Canadian bacon, eh?” Now, unless they’re talking about the hilarious comedic romp with John Candy, you walk away from that person right now. Get together with your bacon-loving friends and form a support pack to stay positive. Pray to Bacon: When all else fails after your emergency stock runs out and your comrades have been murdered in their secret bacon freezer by one of the bacon cartels, just pray. “Bacon, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. In Bacon’s hallowed name, Amen." Don’t Jump: Although it is known that life is meant solely for the enjoyment of bacon, and life without such happiness is empty and pointless, do not kill yourself. Times are hard, but bacon will return from the heavens and decide who has been worthy of enjoyment while condemning those turkey-bacon eating sinners to eternal, baconless, damnation. Follow these rules, and keep them in your pocket. In your darkest moments, pull this tattered article from your ham wallet and know that we’re with you. Perchance, if we meet in heaven, we can watch Kevin Bacon films together in a bacon-woven hammock while rubbing Baconators on our genitals.
what’s inside
Isolated: The Timeline of an All-Nighter
Oh yeah girl, watch me weave that Fishtail braid. over, under, and through, baby.
Wait, where's the part where we break down in tears and consider suicide?
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Go Beyond Beyond Coal coal Yeah, like "global warming" is
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! I nds mo Dia
real. The earth's not even a globe, dummies, it's flat!
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