The Black Sheep
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Vol. 9, Issue 12
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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11/7/13 - 11/14/13
The Meeting of
Sinister Educators against Undergrad Success BY: Tom White Outside, thunder rips through the night sky and rain pounds against the windows. Professor Mills’ eyes scan the table as he speaks, “Thank you all for coming to the 22nd meeting of the Sinister Educators against Undergrad Success. I know we’re all busy people—well, I guess not you, Ann, you’re a professor of bowling somehow— but the rest of you have lots of work to do so let’s get right into the agenda.” “Jim, I mean, ‘The Wells Hall Preacher,’ upped his fees this semester but in return agreed to start squirting all the foreign students with holy water from a super soaker — that’ll really freak them out. Plus, we really do believe he’s starting to fuck with these kids’ heads. The loss of morale is well worth it. Unfortunately, shifting more funds his way means we have to cut back ourselves, which is why we’ve had to downgrade from the Hampton Inn Conference center to th--”
to throw up or throw down in your bathroom, but I’m not leaving until I find out. Either way, the lady’s room is gonna need a makeover when I’m through with it.” “For God’s sake Janet, pull yourself together, we’re here on business. Nobody is getting anything, and you’re all going to like it. Actually bring us a round of warm milks and make them… sinister” snaps Mills. “Actually I’ll have a Coke-” begins Professor Berger. “Banished! Banished to Eastern Michigan University!” screams Mills. “Now. Can we please get to business? Those do-gooders in the I.T. department finally got wise to our ANGEL scam when they discovered the host server is a toaster stuffed with tinfoil and microchips. Providing the shittiest online course system isn’t going to be an option much longer. We need to step our game up, who has ideas?”
“Howdy, folks! Welcome to Outback Steak House, my name is Dan, I’ll be your server. Can I start you off with some drinks?”
“Here are you warm milks,” Danny says as he nervously sets each glass on each coaster.
A boisterous Latin professor throws a large stack of money on the table.
The professors wait until he leaves, share seven seconds of silence, then dig into their most sinister ideas to mess with undergrads.
“You bet your balls you can, Danny. I’ve got textbook money, young blood!” She seems drunk already. “Volume 3.1’s extended introduction is paying for the blooming onions and gin tonight, so you better keep ‘em both coming. I don’t know if I’m going
“Raise the cost of parking tickets? Wait, never mind, we set that to happen every two weeks. Think bigger, think bigger…” Mills ponders.
“Well what about making every student beat Lou Anna K. in a wrestling match before they can take their final exams?”
a refill?”
“Lord knows the old gal would be up for it, but even Iron Lou might not be able to take on that many kids”.
“Alright, Mr. Grumpy Pants, just figured if-”
The evil ideas continue to pour out like turkey gravy into Adele’s cereal bowl. Dan bounces back over to the table, “Yode-la-hee-hoooooo, any of you folks need
“No, Dan, we don’t.”
“If your Aunt had a set of hairy, swinging balls she could be your uncle? That’s not the case though is it Dan? Get lost.” Mills says as he glares at the nervous teen. “Wait, I’ve got it. I know what will completely ruin these kids’ semesters and send them into corners, curled up and crying. Let’s
schedule all our exams and final papers to happen the same week. Yeah, that’ll really chap their asses. Let’s make it happen people.” Several minutes, and zero tips for Dan later, each professor leaves the table. They saunter into their hybrid sedans and drive away. NPR echoes through their empty cars as they smile, knowing they, The Sinister Educators against Undergrad Success have done it again.
page 5
page 6
page 7
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Oh no, not those stupidly amazing knives again!
Inside the mind of an adviser when that stoner kid asks them for GPA help.
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