The Black Sheep
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Vol. 9, Issue 12
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
e... lik e Ma gett x B ing ull oug sacke h. d by
11/7/13 - 11/14/13
The Meeting of
Sinister Educators against Undergrad Success BY: Tom White Outside, thunder rips through the night sky and rain pounds against the windows. Professor Mills’ eyes scan the table as he speaks, “Thank you all for coming to the 22nd meeting of the Sinister Educators against Undergrad Success. I know we’re all busy people—well, I guess not you, Ann, you’re a professor of bowling somehow— but the rest of you have lots of work to do so let’s get right into the agenda.” “Jim, I mean, ‘The Wells Hall Preacher,’ upped his fees this semester but in return agreed to start squirting all the foreign students with holy water from a super soaker — that’ll really freak them out. Plus, we really do believe he’s starting to fuck with these kids’ heads. The loss of morale is well worth it. Unfortunately, shifting more funds his way means we have to cut back ourselves, which is why we’ve had to downgrade from the Hampton Inn Conference center to th--”
to throw up or throw down in your bathroom, but I’m not leaving until I find out. Either way, the lady’s room is gonna need a makeover when I’m through with it.” “For God’s sake Janet, pull yourself together, we’re here on business. Nobody is getting anything, and you’re all going to like it. Actually bring us a round of warm milks and make them… sinister” snaps Mills. “Actually I’ll have a Coke-” begins Professor Berger. “Banished! Banished to Eastern Michigan University!” screams Mills. “Now. Can we please get to business? Those do-gooders in the I.T. department finally got wise to our ANGEL scam when they discovered the host server is a toaster stuffed with tinfoil and microchips. Providing the shittiest online course system isn’t going to be an option much longer. We need to step our game up, who has ideas?”
“Howdy, folks! Welcome to Outback Steak House, my name is Dan, I’ll be your server. Can I start you off with some drinks?”
“Here are you warm milks,” Danny says as he nervously sets each glass on each coaster.
A boisterous Latin professor throws a large stack of money on the table.
The professors wait until he leaves, share seven seconds of silence, then dig into their most sinister ideas to mess with undergrads.
“You bet your balls you can, Danny. I’ve got textbook money, young blood!” She seems drunk already. “Volume 3.1’s extended introduction is paying for the blooming onions and gin tonight, so you better keep ‘em both coming. I don’t know if I’m going
“Raise the cost of parking tickets? Wait, never mind, we set that to happen every two weeks. Think bigger, think bigger…” Mills ponders.
“Well what about making every student beat Lou Anna K. in a wrestling match before they can take their final exams?”
a refill?”
“Lord knows the old gal would be up for it, but even Iron Lou might not be able to take on that many kids”.
“Alright, Mr. Grumpy Pants, just figured if-”
The evil ideas continue to pour out like turkey gravy into Adele’s cereal bowl. Dan bounces back over to the table, “Yode-la-hee-hoooooo, any of you folks need
“No, Dan, we don’t.”
“If your Aunt had a set of hairy, swinging balls she could be your uncle? That’s not the case though is it Dan? Get lost.” Mills says as he glares at the nervous teen. “Wait, I’ve got it. I know what will completely ruin these kids’ semesters and send them into corners, curled up and crying. Let’s
schedule all our exams and final papers to happen the same week. Yeah, that’ll really chap their asses. Let’s make it happen people.” Several minutes, and zero tips for Dan later, each professor leaves the table. They saunter into their hybrid sedans and drive away. NPR echoes through their empty cars as they smile, knowing they, The Sinister Educators against Undergrad Success have done it again.
page 5
page 6
page 7
Top 10: Things to do when your phone dies in class
Freshman Gets Caught in Pyramid Scheme
Thoughts of an Adviser meeting with a Slacker
What to do when you can’t read our Twitter feed in class.
Oh no, not those stupidly amazing knives again!
Inside the mind of an adviser when that stoner kid asks them for GPA help.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com
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on the Streets What are your Fall Fashion dos and don’ts? m o re Mary, Sopho
“Do: Skinny ties. It says ‘I have my life together and a big dick.’ Don’t: Crocs, and if you put accessories on them, it’s an atrocity to society.”
o m o re Carly, Soph
“Do: Boys, wear a Patagonia vest with a long sleeve shirt or button down underneath and I will try to fuck you on the sidewalk. Don’t: Wear cargo pants, or cargo anything, ever.”
o re Zoe, Sophom
“Do: Wear leather leggings. Don’t: Wear human skin.”
04
intervention:
The
Top
Crack Fry Chris Ten
Things To Do When Your Phone Dies In Class
By: Bob Rodriguez
By: Jack Harder
Millions of Americans suffer from addiction every day. Most need help to quit. Here is a story that hits close to home:
It’s your last class of the day and of course you have that one try-hard professor who read some statistic about electronics being a nuisance in a learning environment. “We’re trying to get an on-time start today so please put your laptops and smart phones away,” you hear. You angelically oblige, putting away your laptop and sneakily hiding your iPhone under your desk. You are a rebellious bastard. But then disaster strikes. You look down at your battery to see that last one percent fade away. You’re suddenly stranded alone, basically naked in a lecture hall. As that droning buzz turns into an actual comprehensive lecture, beads of sweat start dripping from your forehead as you realize that you can’t sit here another moment without something to distract you. Never fear – The Black Sheep is here.
HopCat, the newest brew pub to grace the East Lansing restaurant district, serves over a hundred different beers as well as the newest designer drug, “Crack Fries.” These highly addictive babies are fried in Hamm’s beer batter and seasoned in exotic herbs (okay, maybe not, their recipe is secret). Crack Fry use is said to result in a feeling similar to an angel tickling the user’s tongue as he or she slips into a beer and carbohydrate induced coma. Meet Chris. Chris is a Crack Fryaddict. He has agreed to be in a documentary about addiction. He does not know that soon he will face an intervention. Chris was at one time a successful college student. He was at the top of his class and close to earning a degree in athletic training. Now, Chris uses eight to ten times a day, dumping beer battered fries into his system, followed by the injection into his veins of the most concentrated, potent form of cheese dip. Chris says side effects include euphoria, weight gain, smug farts, drunkenness, an increased craving for Crack Frys, a mix of constipation and explosive diarrhea, a marked decrease in overall health, and a notable increase in overall satisfaction with life. The National Black Sheep Center for Random Health Statistics and Other Cool Stuff found in a 2013 study that only 1 in 10 Crack Fry addicts are able to completely overcome their addiction. Despite bowel movements that are less predictable than the length of a Kardashian marriage, 9 out of 10 Crack Fry addicts realize life is really only worth living with Crack Frys, and relapse soon after recovery. Chris has since dropped out of college in order to focus on eating Crack Frys, drinking beer, and napping. “Chris was always such an energetic little boy,” Chris’s mother, Betty, said before becoming emotional, unable to hold back silent tears as a photo montage of Chris before his Crack Fry addiction plays across the screen. “I think that’s why he decided to
10.) Cry: People generally look down upon crying in public, but they must have amazing battery life on their electronics. Plus, who are they to judge? Feel free to wallow in self-pity, and don’t forget to moan loud enough so that everyone knows your pain. Time will fly by, and maybe someone will throw you a charger. 9.) Look at people: Without your phone in your hand, you’re fully able to look around and see the bros who surround you in the back of the room. While you’re staring, have a gander at the giant rack on the girl sitting a few seats down. This is a more quality view than you could ever get from your phone’s Internet browser, minus the fact that you can’t space out at them as long. 8.) Pay attention: It’s always an option? Actually, forget this one. Only pay attention if your professor is stripping naked and having a mental breakdown.
become an athletic trainer. He was the star of the track team in high school and was always just so happy… but now he’s fatter than Rosie O’Donnell, always smells like cheese and alcohol, and can only lift a fork.” Betty begins to cry heavily, breaking down in the interview room. Chris is in the interview room, using. He’s halfway through a bucket of Crack Frys and appears to have had a variety of superior Michigan craft beers before his interview. His skin is full of zits, but he looks content, and he’s ready to take a hefty nap before using yet again. When asked if he’d give up Crack Frys, Chris told us, “I just don’t see the point. Sure, I wanted to be a personal trainer and now I look more like Michael Moore than Michael Phelps, but I realized something — we’re all fucked either way, so I might as well enjoy some Crack Frys and quietly slip into cardiac arrest before life gets to me and I’m no longer able to die a happy man.” Because Chris’s family is seriously concerned that his Crack Fry addiction might kill him, they have gathered together with Candy Finnigan, the most badass interventionist to ever creep out of addiction and into our hearts. Candy specializes in counseling sex addicts, which is perfect since eating Crack Frys is a lot like sex, except better and cheesier. Chris enters the room for what he thinks will be his final interview. The confusion on Chris’s face is obvious as he enters the room to see Candy and his family. It’s
clear he wants to run away as he realizes this is an intervention, but his out of shape body can hardly work up a power walk. “Chris we are all here because we care about you,” Candy chimes in. Letters from Chris’s family follow, one after another. Chris’s bucket of Crack Frys becomes soggy with tears as he eats through the pain of his family telling him they will no longer see him if he continues to eat Crack Frys like a pig in heat. Chris agrees to go to treatment because he loves his family, only to later reveal that he really just wanted a paid vacation and figured the Crack Fry binge he would partake in after treatment would be the most satisfying experience of his life. Recovery-themed music begins to play as an image of a contemplative Chris walking along the beach plays. Chris lost seventy pounds during his treatment, where he enjoyed a diet of mostly lettuce, skinless grilled chicken breast, and lemon water. His family came to visit him a few times during treatment to show their support. Chris stayed clean for a week after treatment. Today, he has fallen back “suckin’ pipe,” whatever that means, to afford Crack Frys and craft beer. *Author’s Note: Chris has since passed away at the age of 23. He overdosed after a strong snort of crack fry seasoning salt threw him backwards where he cracked his head over a table, and drown in a pool of cheese sauce… just the way he always wanted to go out.
7.) Draw pictures: Your options are endless: Boobies, your professor’s boobies, a Sparty fondling some boobies. If you’re not into boobs, draw some dicks. If you’re feeling like Banksy, draw a dick with boobies as the balls. That is a good use of time and ink. 6.) Reminisce: This is the ideal time to daydream. Remember Halloween weekend when you made out with Wonder Woman in front of Superman? Hell yeah you do. Remember, you’re in public – moaning is only acceptable if you’re conveying sadness, not hypothetical sexual pleasure. 5.) Make friends: Despite the fact that everyone in this lecture hall is irrelevant, including your professor and excluding the girl with the rack, desperate times call for desperate measures. Chat up these peasants for some premium entertainment, or if you’re lucky, access to the Internet. 4.) Sleep: Professor-talk can be more potent than a 2-liter of NyQuil when you’re trying to doze off. Take a quick nap to rejuvenate yourself. Tell your professor you were using study-ception methods to dream-quiz yourself, or something like that. 3.) Watch the laptop in front of you: Since every college classroom is literally full of screens, it shouldn’t be too difficult to sneak a peek at the rogue student who doesn’t play by the rules’ MacBook in front of you. The mystery that comes with scoping out the laptop in front of you is such a rush. What will it be today? Facebook, Pinterest, and an onslaught of Terrio-GIFs are all probable. But who knows, you might get lucky and see some anime porn.
2.) Suppress your erection: Like eight of the things on this list have had to do with scoping the opposite sex in a totally non-creepy way, and coupled with you still being kind of tired and relaxed, your bound to spring one out of sheer boredom. Take the next 40 minutes to Professor X that puppy down, and class will be over in no time. 1.) Leave: If you agreed with any of the previous suggestions, you’re missing the best one. Leaving class is your only legitimate option. Why don’t you head on over to Dublin and have a brew before going home to charge your phone and do actual productive things? You know, like playing Candy Crush.
05
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Frat Street Fights By: Zoë Kremke
It was a cold November night on frat row, and a thirst for violence was in the East Lansing air. Johnny was standing on his front porch with Joey, their snapbacks showing the world just how cool they truly were. “Yo, Joey,” Johnny said, sounding oddly like a character from The Sopranos rather than the Tawas native he actually is.
excitement. Immediately, as if summoned by a force greater than themselves, the rest of Joey and Johnny’s frat appeared next to them on the porch. Loud shouting and jeering commenced between the rival fraternity groups as they circled each other in the middle of Abbott Road, causing a rather inconvenient, but totally bro traffic block.
shirt back on. It’s, like, really cold outside,” said one of the wiser brothers. But Kyle just rolled his eyes and waved off the comment.
“Yeah, Johnny,” Joey responded in an equally absurd accent.
Joey pounded his chest, not unlike a gorilla, as he entered his primal state. “It’s go time!” He yelled, flexing his whey protein based muscles and nearly ripping his tank.
A chant began to rumble within the crowd, “Fight, fight, fight!” And Joey let out a bizarre kind of growling noise, putting up his fists, ready to throw the first punch. Kyle assumed the same fighter’s stance, ready to rumble, Rocky Balboa style.
“I think it’s time to get rowdy,” Johnny said, and Joey laughed heartily in response, fist pumping the air even though literally nothing was going on. A group of college boys from a competing fraternity happened to walk in front of the porch at that exact moment, and Joey and Johnny shared a look. “FRAT STREET FIGHT!” They yelled in unison, leaping into the air with
“I’ll take you, Joey!” A frat star appeared out of the crowd, and Joey recognized him as his childhood best friend, Kyle. “It’s on, like Donkey Kong, schlong boy,” he took off his tank, tossed it to his brother, and prepared to throw down. “Hey, man, maybe you should put your
Freddie Freshman Gets Caught Up in a
“I fight better shirtless bro, it’s to intimidate the competition,” he said. “Plus, check out these nips. Bitches love my nips.”
Joey tried to jab Kyle straight in the throat, but missed by a solid three feet. Kyle counterattacked with a roundhouse kick intended for Joey’s face, and landed it somewhere between his hips and his shoulder. Joey grabbed his side where Kyle had kicked him, howling in pain.
Pyramid Scheme By: Bob Rodriguez
Kyle laughed maliciously, sensing that if he kept it up, Joey would eventually crack. But Joey surprised everyone by rushing Kyle. He jumped on top of him and started yanking his hair, leaving Kyle with no choice but to bite and scratch his attacker. As they both flailed wildly in the center of the gathered crowd, the cheering got louder, and it quickly became clear that nobody was really sure who, exactly, they were rooting for. They were all just there to see a good old fashioned frat fight. The two were becoming exhausted, and after they caught their breath, Joey laid a big, fat slap across Kyle’s face. Kyle, caught off guard, grabbed his face in his hand
Freddie recalled the fond memories of daydreaming while his Introduction to Philosophy professor spouted off about Friedrich Nietzsche being a total bro. It was in that very lecture hall, the one that smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and mediocrity, where Freddie Freshman naively fell into the pyramid scheme that would destroy the very life he was attempting to create. He regretted ever entering “http://madwork4studentz. com” into his web browser, previously full of happy porn and happy times. They made everything seem so real, so lucrative. “Earn a promotion every five days! Trust us— you’ll be super rich and awesome! Future companies will throw their snatches at you when they see you have experience working with Sucktor Marketing! You know, your resume? The one that’s going to suck forever if you don’t work for us? Do it.” Before Freddie knew how to feel or what to think, he was forking over his last hard-earned $1,100 in cafeteria cash to the woman with a mustache he only knew as “Convincing Knife Lady.” Convincing Knife Lady talked fast and with a bit of a lisp, pressuring Freddie. “Time’s running out,” she’d tell him, “and you’re going to want to buy your knife kit before we hire someone else to take the hundreds of promotions and paychecks we’re prepared to give you depending on your upfront capital investments.” Freddie figured that Convincing Knife Lady had to be a good source for advice on life choices, since she was obviously well into her forties and high up on the Sucktor Marketing ladder, hiring only the best and brightest college students to sell such an expensive product. Soon things took a turn for the worse when Freddie learned he could only sell to people he knew. His family took out a second mortgage to buy Freddie’s knives. “Oh god, here he comes trying to sell us some goddamn knives again,” his friends thought every time Freddie showed up. Mr. Freshman began prostituting himself on the streets like a common hoodrat just to afford food to
and immediately began to cry. “Joey, how could you do that? It stings! I thought we were friends!” Joey, feeling somewhat guilty, went to comfort Kyle with a bro hug, which involved several thumps on the back and grunts of sympathy. “I’m sorry man, let me buy you a beer down at HopCat.” The two fraternities who had been watching the fight unfold cheered joyously over this decision, because, after all, the only thing they liked better than a pointless street fight was fancy-ass beer. And so the crew marched their way back down Abbott to M.A.C., and a good night full of bro bonding was had by all.
put on the table so that Mrs. Freshman and Freddie’s little sister, Pre, could still have some happiness in their lives. Loan sharks began to call Mrs. Freshman day and night, heckling her until she broke down and told the tragic tale of her son becoming a victim of a pyramid scheme. Soon enough Freddie’s mother turned to the juice to comfort her pain, opening every liter of bottom-shelf merlot with her $50 Cutblow corkscrew. Freddie began attending his professors’ office hours in hopes of delivering a quick sales pitch. He had done everything perfectly—he cut a penny in half beautifully, he sawed straight through a soda can with finesse, he pretended to slice his hand open to show how wonderfully safe Cutblow knives are for children—but then something went horribly wrong. He was halfway through his knife juggling routine when the 9-1/2” Polynesian Chef model pierced into his right eye. His family became so desperate upon the arrival of Freddie’s hospital bills that Mr. Freshman turned street walking into family night. Freddie’s professors had been threatening him for months: Either stop soliciting innocent classmates and TAs or fail the class. The lengthy hospital stay put him even further behind, and he was forced to withdraw from the university. Last week we met up with Freddie to find out where he plans to go from here. Working at a Taco Bell Express that’s attached to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut, Freddie told us between bites of Double Downs and cheeseburger pizza that all his coworkers affectionately call him “Left Eye.” While Freddie’s dream of becoming the greatest college degree earning puppet master there ever was has faded, he remains hopeful and plans to take this opportunity to get closer to god. “I’m really thinking about getting into Scientology. Those guys seem to have a good thing goin’ on,” he stated, making us question even our own life choices, while wondering where Freddie Freshman will find himself in this crazy pyramid scheme we call life.
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Thoughts of an Adviser Meeting with a Slacker By: Garrison Rasmussen As the semester passes the halfway point and our IQs begin to sink lower than dorm room temperature (before MSU maintenance cranked the heat to 108 degrees) we find solace in our advisers. While you may think they selflessly bail you out of academicprobation-level GPAs, The Black Sheep had a look inside the head of an academic advisor and saw the truth.
homework in some fashion.” Adam looks at Jack, noticing his unshaved face and smelling the stank of blunt on his torn hoodie.
Here’s what happens when advisor meets slacker:
This kid has no clue. He’s not even attempting to pay attention. Why did he come here? It’s been twelve seconds since I said something and he still hasn’t responded. I think he just Instagrammed my coffee mug. Good Lord.
“Oh my God, help me!” frantically cries a microbiology student. We’ll call him Jack. “I failed both of my midterms and haven’t shown up in any of my other classes since mid-September! I don’t know how I’m going to…”
“Well uhh, you see, I’m not exactly a strong test taker,” Jack finally replies. “In high school, I could get a B on everything without trying. I’m new to this whole scenario of studying nightly and sometimes my mind likes to wander.”
Might as well crack a Bud Light, because here we go. Adam the advisor thinks. Little Slack Kerouac shit the bed on his midterms and is afraid of mommy and daddy yanking his financial aid. This has got to be the hundredth time this week.
Oh, by that you mean your mind wanders to your laptop, then to Brazzers, then to read The Black Sheep’s tweets, right?” Adam thinks, zoned out from this familiar replay of every student who’s shown up to his office half an hour before he gets off. Another college freshman who manages to get baked daily, but can’t read twenty pages in a week. I bet he owns two copies of Pineapple Express because he got so high he thought he lost the first one, then found it when he was looking for his grinder.
“So like, what should I do?” asks Jack as he checks his phone. His level of distress has dropped considerably since entering the office. It seems he can’t even pretend to care that he pretends to care. “Well kid, first you have to communicate with your professors about good study habits,” says Adam, as if he were reading from a script. “Then, try finishing your homework on time. Or late. Just finish your
Not wanting the destitute student to feel as if all hope was lost, Adam provides some comfort. “Listen here, you half-assed little asshole, you may be down currently, but you’re not out yet. You can still recover. Just start reading, take notes instead of doodling
pictures of penis-snowboards, and don’t bring your laptop unless you need it.” “Don’t bring my laptop to class?” asks Jack. “How will I take notes?” Adam pauses before throwing a pencil at Jack. “Note taking can be done just as easily on paper, kid,” advised Adam, irked that he would even suggest note-taking would be impossible sans laptop.
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“Keep at it!” he half-heartedly yells to Jack as he drags his shoes that haven’t been untied in two years out of the office. See ya in five weeks, right before finals,” Adam thinks. “I’m sure I’ll be able to talk to your professor and get you a passing grade, so you can just continue this cycle of bullshit that is my life. God I hope there’s a new Bones on tonight. It’s all I have to live for.
The Bar Grid
January 2010
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
SPECIAL NIGHT Thur. 11/7 Fri. 11/8
Wednesday Daily Specials: Satisfaction Saturday! Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks
13
Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!
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Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes
Sun. 11/10
15
28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
FRIDAY: $3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze
Specials Run Open to Close Monday - Sunday!
Thirsty Girl Thursday! DJ LEE $3.50 You-Call-It $3.50 Scary Shots
No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM: 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs, $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots
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$3.50 All Flavored Vodka $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime $5 Spartan Bombs
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines
Closed for Lions football
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30 DJ Beats
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd D Donnie East Lansing MI 48823
FRIDAY: Killer Flamingos, Live! $3 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Jager Bombs and Johnny Vegas
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Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings
Sat. 11/9
Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Friday (except: Saturday Everyday! Wed.)
31 of Guinness, 1 Harp, Smithwicks 2 $3 Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bushmills, John Powers, 7 8 9 $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish NaDJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds chos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
$3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs
Thursday
For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.
Satisfaction Saturday! *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats
SATISFACTION SATURDAY SPACECAT $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls
Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing
$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
Sunday Funday! $2.00 Pints open til 7 ½ off Adult Beverages & Pizza 7- close $4 Medium/$8 Large Pizzas
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week
$12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees
Mon. 11/11
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$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells
No Cover! $3 Burgers $2 Pints, $3 Long Islands, & $3 Washington Apples (7 til close)
Tues. 11/12
Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!
$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino
$2.00 Taco Bar (All-You-Can-Eat) $2.75 Tequila $2.75 Margaritas $3.75 Pitchers
NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers
No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
Wed. 11/13
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1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
HALF-OFF WEDNESDAY JERRY SPRAGUE On Top Of The Bar DJ DONNIE D - On Stage 1/2 OFF almost EVERYTHING
Thur. 11/14
Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!
Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums
Thirsty Girl Thursday! DJ LEE $3.50 You-Call-It $3.50 Scary Shots
No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
A tale of
Spartan Procrastination By: Michelle Danaj
It’s 8 p.m. on a Friday and you have a test at 8 a.m. Monday morning. Plenty of time to get more than enough studying done! Too much time, in fact—so when your friends ask you if you’re going out that night with them, you say yes faster than Lou Anna K. says yes to Bloody Mary at 9 a.m. on a Monday morning. You try to rationalize that if the bar scene is lame you’ll come home and get some preemptive studying done before you really hit the books tomorrow. But in the back of your mind you know that there is no way in Hell that that’s going to happen. You’re going to go balls to the wall and try to outdrink all of your friends, so you grab your ID, some cash, and head out the door. The next day you wake up with your head feeling like it’s going to split open, and not from the amount of information you stuffed into it the night before. You move around your place lethargically for the next few hours, not wanting to spend one second thinking about that test. Besides, it’s only Saturday. You have two whole days. You’re sitting in your pajamas at 4 in the afternoon when your roommate comes up to you and asks if you want to go to the MSU Dairy Store. You say yes because maybe some Sesquicentennial Swirl will make you feel a little bit more like a real human. A few hours later, you feel more alive than you did before in your dehydrated and zombie-like state, and you you’re finally in the right mindset to really hunker down and study. You sit down at your desk, flip open your textbook and start reading over the chapters covered at the beginning of the semester, because Lord knows you didn’t read them when you were supposed to. Fifteen minutes into studying your significant other’s name pops up in a text message, which contains the three not-so-innocent letters: “DTF?” You stare at your phone for a solid thirty seconds. Random thoughts race through your head: She’s been avoiding me all week and now she wants to fuck? I should be studying my book, not the anatomy
of my girlfriend. I’m going to fail this test if I don’t study. But… Sex… You’re out the door faster than a freshman trying to get Lower Bowl Izzone tickets. You end up crashing at your girlfriend’s place and she kicks you out around noon the next day. She complains about her enormous wangover, but you just chuckle to yourself and head out the door, satisfied that she’s still feelin’ it. On your trek back home, you start cutting out the non-essential items needed to study for this test. The book isn’t that important, you’ll just skim the important sections. Powerpoint notes on Angel are essential, and flashcards—those always help people pass tests, right? And if you missed some of the notes in lecture, there’s gotta be someone in your 500 person class that took some notes, so you’ll email everyone tonight, surely there will be some charitable soul who will lend a study guide or two. You get home, grab your textbook, and lay down on your bed because you got no sleep last night, and you at least want to be comfortable while reading. The next thing you know, you wake up in a panic at 7:00 p.m. Where did the day go?! You did have an awesome dream about Zeke the Wonder Dog biting the Wells Hall Preacher in the throat, which also for some reason resulted in a wet dream. But can’t think about that now, it is officially crunch time. You sit down at your desk and gaze into your open textbook like you gaze into your empty fridge. Your stomach growls with hunger. You go into the kitchen, whip up some instant mac and cheese and pizza rolls and chow down. It’s always easier to concentrate when you’ve got some food in your stomach. You look at the clock. Now it’s time to hit the books. It glows 8:47. Ah, shit! The Walking Dead starts in 13 minutes. An hour of heart pounding gore and slaughtering of zombies later… it’s 10:03. Your test starts in less than ten hours. Looks like you’re going to pull an all-nighter. Happy studying young scholar!
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Bartender of the Week Major: Graduated in kinesiology Favorite Drink: Real McCoy Favorite Shot: HopQuila Disgusting Drink: Sweaty Mexican If you could spend the day with Mark Dantonio, what would you do?: Chill, drink some brews and barbecue.
Ellen of Crunchy’s
Would you rather watch Tyler Perry movies once a week for eternity or lose a pinky finger?: Tyler Perry. What’s your preferred method of kissing?: You’ve got the ends mixed up. You’re about to interview Miley Cyrus — what’s the first question you ask?: Want a shot?
Who are your favorite 90s cartoon characters?: Beavis and Butt-Head.
What’s the first thing you would change about EL if you were mayor?: Cheaper parking.
Name your top three least-favorite foods?: Brussels sprouts, stroganoff, Menna’s.
If you could have a superpower, which would you choose?: Shapeshifting so I could fuck with people.
If you were an outlaw and had a group of bandits, what would your name be, and what would the group’s name be?: Smokey Porter and The Stone Bandits.
When was the last time you blamed Obama? Today. Why should people read The Black Sheep? Because it’s fucking hilarious.
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Rule Time
Baconeggs
To be king for the day! To rule the world! To laugh at those under you and to crush your enemy with malice and vigor! Alas, you’re but another faceless drone in this wide, wacky world. Better play a game that makes you the boss. That’ll getcha’ your fix.
“But I don’t want to get up!” your brain cries as your alarm goes off at an unheard of 11:15a.m. It’s like, why even go to class if you’re not going to be well-rested? Ah, but with this all-in-one breakfast bonanza, you’ll replace sullen dread with abject resignation! Huzzah!
What You’ll Need: Beer, plebeians, a deck of cards. Number of Players: As many as you can fetch from your vast kingdom, but we suggest starting with three. Intoxication Level: You’re not the boss of me! How to Play: -All players sit around a table, one person is anointed the dealer. -Each person is dealt one card, face up. -The player with the low card for the round drinks one drink. -If two players are dealt the same card, each one drinks. -Kings are community cards, everyone drinks. -Aces are rule cards. A player dealt an ace makes a rule that is in effect until the deck runs out. -Rules are cumulative within the game, so by the end of a game, there should be four rules in place, for the four aces. -The dealer deals cards through the entire deck. After the cards run out, the deck is passed to the right and the rules are abolished. The Game Ends When: Those you’ve ground under your foot rise up to topple tyranny. Let freedom reign!
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What You’ll Need: Eggs, cheese, bacon bits. Cooking Time: 10 minutes, 8 if your professor counts tardies. Fatty Factor: Guys, it’s protein, not calories, okay? Let’s Get Baked: -Turn a burner on medium-high. -Crack 3 eggs into a bowl. Whisk them until they’re fully mixed. -Place a skillet on the burner, plop the eggs into the skillet. -Use a spatula to continuously move the eggy goodness around the skillet. -One the eggs start to coagulate, stir for, like twenty more seconds, but don’t let them get too hard. -Remove from heat, add 1.3 cup of bacon bits and as much cheese as you can handle. -Fold the cheese and bacon bits into the still-runny eggs as the residual heat from the pan finishes the cooking process. -Season with salt and pepper. Holy shit, eggs are awesome.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
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Delivery Man
Oldboy
Charlie Countryman
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Homefront
47 Ronin
Release Date: November 22nd Synopsis: Down ‘n out Blue Collar Jones finds out he has 533 children as a result of a sperm donation mishap. By the Trailer: First, let us clear the air; Vince Vaughn does not mistakenly have sex with one of his daughters, just in case that’s what you were looking to get out of this movie. Nope, he decides what better way to give purpose to his purpose-less life than playing “guardian angel” to the 533 kids that he once ejaculated into a cup. Will he stop being such a down-and-out loser and find true love? Will he marry one or all of the mothers who thrust a turkey baster full of his baby batter into their v-holes? Will the kids all have perfectly solvable problems and not be addicted to sex or beat to death by their meth-addicted, spermdonation-accepting mothers? Probably, because this is a shitty cookie-cutter Vince Vaughn fish-out-of-water movie. If Owen Wilson doesn’t make an appearance we’ll be shocked. Truer Title: Vince Vaughn Needs Money: Quips! Quips Galore!
Release Date: November 15 Synopsis: After a vision of his dead mother sends Charlie to Bucharest, a death on the flight leads him to fall in love with a woman. By the Trailer: This is a little awkward, but the guy you’re sitting next to on this plane is kind of dead, and not to be too much trouble, but you’re going to have to tell his daughter that he died. No worries though, Charlie, because you’ll fall in love with her during one of the darkest periods of her life, but some worries, bro, because she’s unhappily married to a Romanian gangster and he will just…like, unceremoniously beat the shit out of you if you don’t stay away from her. But dude it’s also like, you’re in love, so keep getting punched in the face, or something. I don’t know, do whatever you want, it seems like you’re not great at making decisions; you keep letting dead people make them for you, which seems like a not-too-great plan to begin with. Truer Title: Death and Punching: A Love Story
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: A former DEA agent moves his family to a quiet town, where he soon tangles with a local meth druglord. By the Trailer: Oye! It’s me, somehow-English DEA agent with a recently-dead wife Jason Statham here to tell you country yokels that them back country meth-smokin’ ways aren’t gonna intimidate me and my daughter who knows karate, because Jesus Christ, have you seen one of my movies before? No siree, Mr. kingpin James “Gator” Franco, I’m not one’a them pencil-pushin’ DEA losers, I’m here with my shotgun and bad’ karate kicks to get all y’all in line. See, that’s what highpower hardasses like me do, we deal with our emotional issues by moving to some backcountry shittown to silently brood until something sets us off; counseling is for wimps. Truer Title: Stereotypes, Guvnah!
Release Date: November 27th Synopsis: Guy gets held captive for twenty years, watches TV, is released, [insert the plot of Taken]. By the Trailer: Joseph Doucett wakes up in a tiny, inconspicuous bedroom and remains there for twenty years… but he doesn’t know why. He may or may not have killed his wife, but judging by how angry he is and because it’s a movie, he probably didn’t. Over the next twenty years he watches a bunch of TV, does some chin-ups, punches the wall a few times, and just gets really really mad about being locked up for so long without reason. Then whoever locked him up lets him out to go find his daughter (who is also being held captive now?), so of course he goes on a CrAzY killing spree. Then he finds his daughter and has sex with her. Just kidding! Or are we?! We are...? But he does have sex with someone! Truer Title: Taken 3: This Time the Dad Gets Taken
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: Walter Mitty lives his life through daydreams until his job is threatened, sending him on an adventure worthy of the big screen. By the Trailer: Dude, your life kind of sucks. Your job in publishing is coming to an end, your boss is a dick, the girl you like doesn’t even notice you, and even your family thinks you’re a total weirdo. Thank god weirdos do weird things, though, because wow, you’re about to take part in a chain of events that is, like, totally in character for a mild-mannered guy like you. You know what Langston Hughes said, “Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. Let’s just do some completely implausible shit because the girl we like doesn’t like us back.” Truer Title: Unaffordable Adventure
Release Date: December 25th Synopsis: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY FUCK. By the Trailer: One “half breed” man is banished and sold into slavery. Then, the people who enslave him look to enslave more people, Keanu’s people. Keanu is the only one (we’re tapping our finger to our nose here, folks) who can prevent this from happening. Ipso facto the side he is fighting on only has an army of 47 and the army he’s fighting against is, like infinite soldiers who are different from his ragtag group of guys. Nope, those guys on the other side don’t have families at home or anything, feel nothing for them. Add in a metric dick-ton of special effects, and this movie is going to have us forgetting about Santa and all his slaves in favor of this Asian-ified super Matrix. Also, dragons. Also also, lightsaber Samurai swords. Truer Title: KEANU REEVES IS A PIRATE/NINJA/JEDI HOLY CRAP!
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Can you find everything in this sweet Windows ‘98 waterscape? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!
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