Volume 12
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Fre e! his Like S elve ant s, fi a an nal d ly.
Issue 1
HARBAUGH? MORE LIKE HAR-NAH! 8 Reasons Why Jim Harbaugh Can’t Save Michigan Molly Burford wrote this Michigan fans recently rejoiced at the announcement that Brady Joke’s replacement would be the long sought-after, supposed messiah Jim Harbaugh. However, could celebration be premature for the Wolverines? Sports analysts at The Black Sheep believe so, and have found eight reasons why Mr. Harbaugh may not be what Michigan needs to rebuild their program. Michigan is being sued for false advertising, losing money as result: After dropping some major coin to rope in Harbaugh (we’re talking $40 million, people,’tis a lot of Conrad’s), Michigan is now being sued by various fans for false advertising for Michigan’s slogan “the leaders and best” due to the lack of being, well, the leaders and best. The University of Michigan has lost lots of money as result of the lawsuits, and apparently the school can no longer afford to sponsor the Mathletes. He was born in Ohio! : Harbaugh was born in Toledo, Ohio. The only good thing that comes out of Ohio is Cedar Point, and that’s basically a part of Michigan anyway. Can’t we all agree that Ohio just really sucks? We imagine some of that Ohio suckage rubbed off on ol’ Jimmy, and he’ll add it to Michigan’s current suckage, resulting in one giant suckfest. He’s a vegan: If you don’t eat cheese voluntarily, you can’t be trusted to make good decisions, especially when you’re coaching a team that needs all the help a team can possibly get. Plus, vegans are pretentious AF. More pretentiousness at Michigan? The whole place is going to fall in a black hole full of the stuff. He has six kids!: Harbaugh, who has been married twice, has three kids from each marriage. How the hell is he going to find time to coach? Plus, six kids? Give it a rest, Jim. You whore! You’ve got a shitty team to coach! The current wife is 15 years younger; could cause heart problems: As the six kids suggest, Harbaugh is a dirty, dirty man and with a bangin’ hot, fifteen-year-younger woman. Lord knows what goes on in that bedroom (we don’t want to know, frankly). However, being that busy could cause problems for an older man. Be careful there, Jimbo. He’s allergic to roses (and cotton, and sugar): Harbaugh has a curious triad of allergies to roses, cotton, and sugar. As such, we imagine
that the Wolverines may have an even tougher time getting to the Sugar Bowl, Rose Bowl, and Cotton Bowl than ever before. Michigan’s players have forgotten how to catch: Apparently the football team at the University of Michigan has forgotten how to catch a football, insiders say, and as such, Harbaugh is going to be busy teaching fundamentals instead of strategy.
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REAL LIFE TRIVIA CRACK: MSU EDITION
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WE APPLY THE TRIVIA APP TO REAL LIFE HERE AT MSU...
OBVIOUSLY THE GUY WHO ASKS FOR NUDES RIGHT AWAY MADE THIS LIST.
Mark Dantonio: As long as the great, the Silver Fox, the beloved Mark Dantonio remains in East Lansing, the Wolverines don’t stand a chance at making a comeback. Dantonio is the best in the game, and Harbaugh better be ready to face the Spartans next year. Only time will tell whether these predictions will become reality come the fall 2015 football season, but one thing is for certain: Michigan has a long way to go if they’re to catch up to the Spartans. Go Green!
PAGES 12-13 RESOLUTION REVOLUTION WE SCROUNGED UP 7 APPS TO HELP MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON IN 2015.
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