Black Sheep MSU - Jan 15, 2015 by The Black Sheep

Volume 12

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Fre e! his Like S elve ant s, fi a an nal d ly.

Issue 1

HARBAUGH? MORE LIKE HAR-NAH! 8 Reasons Why Jim Harbaugh Can’t Save Michigan Molly Burford wrote this Michigan fans recently rejoiced at the announcement that Brady Joke’s replacement would be the long sought-after, supposed messiah Jim Harbaugh. However, could celebration be premature for the Wolverines? Sports analysts at The Black Sheep believe so, and have found eight reasons why Mr. Harbaugh may not be what Michigan needs to rebuild their program. Michigan is being sued for false advertising, losing money as result: After dropping some major coin to rope in Harbaugh (we’re talking $40 million, people,’tis a lot of Conrad’s), Michigan is now being sued by various fans for false advertising for Michigan’s slogan “the leaders and best” due to the lack of being, well, the leaders and best. The University of Michigan has lost lots of money as result of the lawsuits, and apparently the school can no longer afford to sponsor the Mathletes. He was born in Ohio! : Harbaugh was born in Toledo, Ohio. The only good thing that comes out of Ohio is Cedar Point, and that’s basically a part of Michigan anyway. Can’t we all agree that Ohio just really sucks? We imagine some of that Ohio suckage rubbed off on ol’ Jimmy, and he’ll add it to Michigan’s current suckage, resulting in one giant suckfest. He’s a vegan: If you don’t eat cheese voluntarily, you can’t be trusted to make good decisions, especially when you’re coaching a team that needs all the help a team can possibly get. Plus, vegans are pretentious AF. More pretentiousness at Michigan? The whole place is going to fall in a black hole full of the stuff. He has six kids!: Harbaugh, who has been married twice, has three kids from each marriage. How the hell is he going to find time to coach? Plus, six kids? Give it a rest, Jim. You whore! You’ve got a shitty team to coach! The current wife is 15 years younger; could cause heart problems: As the six kids suggest, Harbaugh is a dirty, dirty man and with a bangin’ hot, fifteen-year-younger woman. Lord knows what goes on in that bedroom (we don’t want to know, frankly). However, being that busy could cause problems for an older man. Be careful there, Jimbo. He’s allergic to roses (and cotton, and sugar): Harbaugh has a curious triad of allergies to roses, cotton, and sugar. As such, we imagine

that the Wolverines may have an even tougher time getting to the Sugar Bowl, Rose Bowl, and Cotton Bowl than ever before. Michigan’s players have forgotten how to catch: Apparently the football team at the University of Michigan has forgotten how to catch a football, insiders say, and as such, Harbaugh is going to be busy teaching fundamentals instead of strategy.

PAGE 5

PAGE 11

REAL LIFE TRIVIA CRACK: MSU EDITION

THE 5 GUYS YOU MET ON TINDER OVER WINTER BREAK

WE APPLY THE TRIVIA APP TO REAL LIFE HERE AT MSU...

OBVIOUSLY THE GUY WHO ASKS FOR NUDES RIGHT AWAY MADE THIS LIST.

Mark Dantonio: As long as the great, the Silver Fox, the beloved Mark Dantonio remains in East Lansing, the Wolverines don’t stand a chance at making a comeback. Dantonio is the best in the game, and Harbaugh better be ready to face the Spartans next year. Only time will tell whether these predictions will become reality come the fall 2015 football season, but one thing is for certain: Michigan has a long way to go if they’re to catch up to the Spartans. Go Green!

PAGES 12-13 RESOLUTION REVOLUTION WE SCROUNGED UP 7 APPS TO HELP MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON IN 2015.

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

BLUE BALLIN’ Getting a mad case of blue balls after hooking up with a hot chick, but still feeling awesome about getting to second base.

TARA BOUMDEAY

Dude, Anna is so hot. Yeah, I was blue ballin’ afterwards, but at least I got some action. High-five!

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick it in a bathroom stall, Instagram it with #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What was your New Year’s resolution, and when will you break it? JACOB

"Pass all my classes, I’ll break it pretty soon."

ALYSSA

“Not to get in trouble with liquor - hopefully never.”

KATIE

“Graduate college, I broke it last year.”

NOW TRENDING

REAL LIFE TRIVIA CRACK: MSU EDITION

Trivia Crack is the latest new fad Smartphone game, pitting you against your friends in a trivia competition. Trivia Crack could be improved by bringing up bad blood and much-too-personal information from the deep, dark crevices of your friendship. With that, The Black Sheep would like to present to you Trivia Smack, where users submit questions based on embarrassing information from their friends’ pasts.

THE TOP TEN Reasons to Celebrate

Being Back in East Lansing

After a month of sleeping, Netflix, and complicating things with your love interest back home, the show must go on in East Lansing. While social media suggests that playing beer pong with bleach is a preferable alternative to starting classes again, The Black Sheep begs to differ. 10.) QD Misses You: Grand River’s Quality Dairy isn’t the number one distributor of Fireball for nothing. You and East Lansing have a mutually beneficial relationship, and even though it’s built largely on the sale and consumption of cinnamon whiskey, you need each other. 9.) It’s Not Ohio: You should be constantly thanking the universe that you didn’t choose to spend your school years in that god awful state. You’re spending the next semester somewhere that isn’t shaped kind of like a diaper, so congratulations. 8.) Things Are Open Past 10 at Night: Sure, happy hour at Applebee’s was great over break, but that was at like, nine o’clock. Now you’ve got places like Wings Over and Pizza House to count on, and if you’re feeling dangerous, SushiGo is open at hours that confuse even your taste buds. 7.) Yik Yak Game was Weak Back Home: You spent all of break repeatedly checking Yik Yak, and “my armpits smell like lasagna” was on top of the hot list the whole time. With a whopping 17 upvotes, this post managed to persist past all of the high schoolers yakking about drinking a whole fifth of RumChata. 6.) Santa was Kind of a Dick: Seriously, this guy brings you less and less presents every year. You’re starting to doubt his existence. You asked for a car, a puppy, and a year’s supply of Taco Bell, but he brought you a $25 gift card to iTunes. iTunes? Really? The elves must still be living in 2009. 5.) People are Actually Attractive: The worst part about being away from Michigan State is that you’re forced to be in moderately close proximity to Wolverines. Everyone knows that a Wolverine Ten is a Soft Spartan Three, and things start getting fuzzy after a while. 4.) You Hate Everyone at Home Even More than You Hate Everyone in General: Classes at MSU are all about sitting in the corner closest to the exit and judging everyone around you. You ponder the reality that you kind of hate everyone, and only really have feelings for breakfast food. At home, there are no breaks from the stupidity of human beings, and you can’t even console yourself with a breakfast Con-Wrap. 3.) Food, Food, Food: You were able to convince yourself that the Freshman Fifteen was kind of a myth, but you can’t deny that break busted your belt. You made a goal to work out every day, but ended up just eating cookies. 2.) Not Everyone Back Home is 18: Living in East Lansing guarantees you that everyone is probably of legal age to do inappropriate sexual things with. Your age gauge isn’t what it used to be, so when you’re at home you can’t trust anyone. Live in a place where you’re not required to worry about making wise decisions. 1.) It’s Time to Properly Celebrate a Cotton Bowl Win: Lighting the streets of Cedar Village on fire probably isn’t the best idea, but your football team needs at least a little bit of recognition. Spend a day celebrating by repeatedly watching footage of Baylor’s punter getting wrecked, and then head straight to Rick’s. Albert Macklin wrote this

PAGE 6 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

COTTON BOWL 2015

Student Hospitalized After Cotton Bowl Erection Fails To Subside Baer Woods wrote this

Rufus Stewart was hospitalized on Tuesday after the erection he gained during Michigan State’s comeback in the Cotton Bowl failed to subside after 13 days. The erection reached its peak when wide receiver Keith Mumphery caught the go-ahead touchdown pass, but Stewart admitted to rocking a partial when defensive end Marcus Rush blocked a field goal late in the game. Stewart is in stable condition, according to Sparrow Hospital, and the medical staff is working on creating a solution to relieve him of his sports-induced stiffy. “We’re gathering as much information we can about what Stewart may have done as a means of self-medicating and trying to relieve the pressure himself,” said Sparrow spokesperson Rachel Maren. “So far we have learned that he has re-watched the entire March Madness run for the Spartans in 2000, the 2013 Big Ten Championship

game, and the 2014 Rose Bowl, but unfortunately these videos have only increased his erection further.” As far as the self-medicating goes, Stewart’s friends have been more than helpful to provide the hospital with information. “He kept asking me for links to new porn sites,” said junior James Connally. “I have no idea why he kept asking me for them, because I just use ol’ faithful AKA PornHub and he was looking for really obscure stuff.” His friends also kept a running count on the amount of time he spent locked in his dorm and the amount of hand lotion he ran through since the Cotton Bowl. “I think it reached 403 hours alone in his room and 19 bottles of hand lotion,” said Connally. One bright spot during this trying time

for Stewart comes from his girlfriend, sophomore Justine Reyes. “I’ve been thrilled with this to be honest, before the bowl game Rufus could, at most, last three to five minutes in bed,” said Reyes. “But now we’ve been going at it until I physically can’t take it anymore. I hope they don’t fix this too soon, unless it’s life-threatening, of course.” The Spartan football team has reached out to offer assistance to their fellow Spartan in his time of need. “We feel responsible for Rufus’ condition,” said Head Football Coach Mark Dantonio. “I mean, I was a bit aroused myself when Marcus Rush got that field goal block, so I can’t blame the average student for getting a raging hard on. Since he’s been so cool about this, we’re going to pay for all of his treatments.” “Let this be a reminder for all Spartans,”

Dantonio continued, “we love having our students cheering for us, but there is such a thing as getting a bit too excited, and that there are ways of watching the game without ending up in the hospital.” Stewart was unable to comment in person, but he did send along an email in which he stressed that doctors are

confident that this injury will not affect on him long term, and it may in fact lengthen his penis when the erection finally goes away. Sparrow Hospital confirmed that there would be few long-term concerns, however they denied Stewart’s penislengthening claim, calling it “wishful thinking.”

BASKETBALL WOES

Zeke the Wonder Dog to Join Izzo’s Struggling Squad Becky S. wrote this

After heartbreaking losses to Texas Southern and Maryland, Michigan State basketball fans might have thought that Tom Izzo had emptied his bag of tricks. But nay, the mastermind behind the Spartan Dawgs has a surprise that will rock basketball fans everywhere to the core... in the most heartwarming way.

his dog BFF. Trice has been seen in public with Zeke several times sharing Dairy Store ice cream, Instagramming the Red Cedar together, and whispering sweet nothings as they walk to class. That fateful night, Trice decided to tell Izzo their big secret: Zeke was a natural basketball player.

That’s right, Zeke the Wonder Dog, the phenomenon that keeps us paying attention during the boring parts of the football games, has joined Izzo and the gang in their attempt to make the NCAA Tournament.

When Izzo introduced Zeke to the team, the pup was mostly well received. Most of the squad found that Zeke was “naturally their best friend,” except for the charming 6’9”-tall glass of water, Matt Costello. The Wonder Dog was welcomed with coos and back scratches when Izzo made the big announcement early one practice. When Costello strolled in a few minutes late expecting to be cooed at and to have his back scratched upon arrival, an instant rivalry formed. It was as if his new beard meant nothing to his teammates. Zeke and Costello exchanged some mad side-eye. After practice, Costello approached Izzo about the matter.

“Zeke catches 89% of the Frisbees thrown at him. Those are the kind of stats we need. It’s like an Air Bud movie, just one that’s actually worth watching.” Izzo has been training the Wonder Dog with the team, and the furry Frisbee-catcher has shown magnificent progress learning the game. The pup has already been fitted for some downright supercute, dog-sized Nikes and jersey. But this player has a lot more goin’ on for him than his doggy style. Rumor has it that Zeke’s performance is as sharp as a hound’s sense of smell and Denzel Valentine’s chin.

“I asked Coach why he would make such an odd decision like this. I thought I had made it clear that there was only room for one ginger heartthrob on the team. Have you seen how glossy Zeke’s coat is? How can I possibly compete with that?!” He went on to explain how he tried everything to get Zeke off the roster. “I went to the library and looked up the basketball rulebook. It turns out that there are no rules that say a dog can’t play basketball!” The tension cleared up significantly between the two well-groomed powerhouses after a couple of dog-walks.

This canine Cinderella story started late one night in the Breslin Center. Izzo was just finishing the final steps to his nightly spiritual dance routine, exorcising evil spirits from the court, when the dashing point guard Travis Trice walked in with

Izzo expects the team to play better than they ever have before with their paws-itively adorable addition. “This was a big decision for us as a team” said Izzo, “I can assure you, though, that this season will be un-fur-gettable.”

“I thought the boys weren’t being pushed hard enough during practices,” stated Izzo in a recent interview with The Black Sheep, “but I was all wrong. We were missing an important element to our team. Let’s just say we have recruited a Spartan Wonder…Dog. Ugh, I had something better for this.”

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

The Nightclub Is Back! Amazing Light Show & Music

Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off

Game Day Specials: During MSU/Wings $2 Domestics and $1.50 Off MI Crafts, 1/2 Off Small Plates

Thursday 1/15

Available for Sorority & Fraternity Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

Friday 1/16

Open @ 10:00 ALL-NEW Sound System Largest Light Show – Over 6,000 Lights! Specials & DJs All Night GO GREEN!

Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

FIRST FRIDAY BACK Time For A Party! $3.50 Pints $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas

Saturday 1/17

Open @ 10:00 ALL-NEW Sound System Largest Light Show – Over 6,000 Lights! Specials & DJs All Night GO GREEN!

3 Buckets for $35 (1 Bucket Beer, 2 Buckets Food)

Check Us Out All Week: Monday - Wednesday: 3pm - Midnight Thursday- Saturday: Noon - 2am Sunday: Noon - Midnight

FIRST SATURDAY BACK MSU vs Maryland @ 4 PM $3.50 Calls & Fireball Shots DJS 9 til Close GO GREEN!

Sunday 1/18

Available for Sorority & Fraternity Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close

NO SCHOOL TOMORROW! HALF OFF Pizzas (as low as $4) HALF OFF Beverages (as low as $2) ALL DAY – ALL NIGHT MSU vs NW on TV @ noon NO COVER

Monday 1/19

Available for Student Group Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

1/4 lb. Cheeseburger $3.29 $2 Mugs of Miller Lite 1/2 off drinks for Hospitality Employees

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

$5 MOO & BREW (Burger & Beer) HALF OFF Pints $2.25 $3 Long Islands NO COVER

Tuesday 1/20

Available for Fundraisers Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

Sporcle Live Trivia! 7-8pm and 8-9pm $1 off Burritos, Nachos and Taco Plate, Tequila specials and $2.75 Corona and Dos XX

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

$2 Drinks, Pints & Bottle Beers $0.50 Wings $6 Crab Rangoons

Available for Private Parties & Celebrations Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Special ALL DAY! Live Music presented by Fusion Shows at 10pm! $0.75 off Mugs of Craft Beer, $2 Mugs of Labatt

Ladies Night 4-12am; $3 glass/$9 bottle of wine, 1/2 off apps for ladies | Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

Wednesday 1/21 Thursday 1/22

SUNDAY NIGHT MLK PARTY NO SCHOOL MONDAY! HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10

Burgers, Salads, Hot Dogs & Fries $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Isles, $3 Dbls & Shots MSU vs Iowa on TV @ 7. DJs from 2 til Close NO COVER 10 - CLOSE

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DJs @ 10, NO COVER The Original & Best! HALF OFF WEDNESDAY

Your Choice of Beer Plus: Wings $3.98, Burger $4.98, Pizza $5.48 Caesar Salad & Long Island $5.98

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HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10

Burgers, Salads, Hot Dogs & Fries $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Isles, $3 Dbls & Shots DJs from 2 til Close NO COVER 10 - CLOSE

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

$3.25 All Draft Pints, $3.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles, $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

Sun-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurantbar-hospitality industry workers

$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-yourown Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Closed for NFL Football! Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl

CRAFT DRAFT

SHOTS

Happy Hour Specials: SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer$2.50 Domestic Bottles Schnapps 4 $0.50 Beer, $4.50 Long (Bellair, MI) $5 $2.50 14oz Domestic Drafts JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Watermelon Schnapps, Red Bull, 5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3.50 22oz Domestic Drafts TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American (2pm-8pm) IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball 4 $2.50 Well Drinks

SPECIAL NIGHT

JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4

BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier (Colorado) $5

BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull $3 MicrobrewJAGER Shorts $2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland $5 and Brew 7 PATRON Burger Special! ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider $2 Wells (6-11PM) (Massachusetts) Happy Hour 3-7

Thursday 1/15

MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, Fireball, Bacardi

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% $2 Wells (6-11PM) hefeweizen (Germany) $5

HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% American IPA (Bellair, MI)

151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8

$3 Blue Moon Shorts WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple $4 Captain Morgan $3 Schapps, Cranberry 5 $3 Johnny Vegas CIROC BOMB - 6 Happy Hour 3-7

Friday 1/16

FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5

HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5

JAMESON - 5

LAGUNITAS - American IPA |Long 6.20% ABV California, $3 Bells Two Hearted $0.50 Beer, $4.50 United States $5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3 Jack CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER (2pm-8pm) $3 Fireball CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5

COCKTAILS

MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Wisconsin, United States $3

Saturday 1/17

BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7

MOJITO -Bacardi Rum, lime juice, mint leaves, MASTER BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $3 Pearl Bloody Marys simple syrup, club soda 7 Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 and Screwdrivers 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite on the rocks 6 Happy Hour All Day! Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3

Sunday 1/18

STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6

MONDAY NIGHT PARTY 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots $2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles

$2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

BEER BOTTLES

$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints

ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier,

lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder $5 Bud Light, Coors Light BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored Vodka,orange and Miller Lite CARRIE Pitchers liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Happy Hour 3 - 7

Monday 1/19

TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8 MARTINI ON THE ROCKS - Grey Goose, dry Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel 8

Tuesday 1/20

$3 Angry Orchard WHISKEY SOUR - Crown Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup Happy Hour All Day! ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

MARTINIS

$2.75 Corona, Corona Light and Dos Equis GUMMY Happy Hour 3-7 BEAR - Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, splash of sour and sprite 7

Wednesday 1/21

DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

$2 Domestic Drafts

$3 Microbrew Shorts

$2 Wells (6-11PM)

Happy Hour 3-7

TRAY CATERING FROM TO 1,000. ANYThursday EVENT (6-11PM) Burger and10 Brew Special!

1/22

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Almost married, but still technically single Major: Playboy Favorite Drink: Grey Goose Favorite Shot: Patron Disgusting Drink: Anything cheap What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of this semester?: Anything Tupac 2014 will be remembered as the year of…: Being over. 2015 will be remembered as the year of…: Stateside Deli. Jeff Goldblum comes into Stateside and ask you to buy him a drink. What happens next?: I buy him Patron. Is 2015 the year the worlds ends?: No, the world starts fresh every day. read The Black Sheep?: Quarter page ad =Why 5” wshould X 5.5”people h Because it tells the truth.

SPENCER AT STATESIDE DELI

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

RESOLUTIONS SCHMESOLUTIONS

MOCK APPLE PIE

Now that you’re back on the academic grind, you can drink beer with your at-school friends and associates, rather than the high school friends you still pretend to like. So, why not start off the new year by seeing how others are starting off their new year?

Back at school and already miss mom’s home-cookin’? Well, you’re no culinary wizard, so what is a boy to do? Fake it ‘til ya make it, son. Let’s do a fake apple pie.

What You’ll Need: Fortitude beyond your years, social acumen, beer. Number of Players: This is one of those games you play with yourself. Yes, yes, like masturbation. Very clever. Level of Intoxication: Well, how creative is your social circle? How to Play: -Attend a party or head to a bar. You’re going to need to be in a crowded room of people. -Approach someone at the event and ask them, simply, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” -Take a big ole’ gulp for every generic resolution that heads your way. Think “better shape” or “to attend class regularly.” -Two drinks for any resolution you hear that is less about self-improvement and more about getting more out of innocent bystanders, like “I’m going to get laid by at least six different people,” or “I’m going to win a karaoke competition.” -Demand the person you asked take a drink with you if they have an oddly specific resolution. “I promised myself I’ll stop drunk texting Karen this year,” for example. -Take two big swigs if the person fessed up to already breaking his or her resolution. -If the person is one of those, “I don’t make resolutions” pragmatists, pragmatically make him or her help you finish your drink. The Game Ends When: You resolve to be less annoying to strangers who don’t want to play your dumb game.

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What You’ll Need: A box of Ritz crackers, a pre-made pie crust, butter, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, water. Fatty Factor: It’s pie, so, like…pie-level fattiness. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. -In a saucepan over medium-high heat, combine 2 cups water and 1 cup white sugar. Bring to a boil. -Drop 30 whole Ritz into the boiling morass and let boil for 5 minutes. Pour the mixture into the pie shell and sprinkle it with ½ teaspoon of cinnamon. -Mix together 1 cup crushed Ritz crackers, ½ cup brown sugar, ½ teaspoon cinnamon, and 1/3 cup butter. Sprinkle this over the pie. -Bake pie for 15 minutes at 425. Reduce heat to 375 degrees and bake for 20 more minutes. -Remove and let cool for 1 hour before serving (the whole thing to yourself.)

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STARBUCKS DRINKS FOR THE NEW YEAR Katherine Smythe wrote this

To kick off the New Year right, Starbucks coffee has decided to introduce a new line of drinks specifically for college students. As a Starbucks barista, I know that this new line of beverages is a bit outside the coffee shop norm. Despite the unique and notFDA-approved ingredients, we Starbucks baristas guarantee that once you try one of these “special” drinks, you’ll be hooked. SnowWhite Frappuccino: The SnowWhite Frappuccino is made with a precise blend of cocaine, LSD, and non-fat milk, and topped with a drizzle of cough syrup. Think this sounds gross? Think again. After the first sip, you won’t even remember what’s in the drink. In fact, you probably won’t even remember you’re at Starbucks. This drink is especially good before first dates, 8 a.m. classes, and job interviews. Russian Twist Latte: This isn’t even a latte; it’s literally just vodka. We just call it a latte so when your mom visits and wants to take you to Starbucks because you’ve been “working so hard this semester,” she won’t get suspicious. The twist is that we put a

slice of lime in it so you think it’s healthy and feel better about your poor life choices. Black Cappuccino: One of Starbucks’ newest vegan, gluten-free* options. This is just like a regular cappuccino, except for some novel ingredients. This drink contains smoothly-blended Adderall with whipped cream. We’ve created this drink keeping in mind those of you who don’t want to tread all the way across campus to your friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s dorm to get what you need to write that 12-page paper on Hitler’s mustache. This drink is also great for getting through those boring lectures, funerals, and occasional life interventions that you have to attend. *We don’t actually know what vegan or gluten-free means, but we do know that we’ll make a lot of money selling this. Lotus Clear Tea: Perfect for any of you that have just failed a huge exam and need a pick me up. This drink is a careful mix of mineral water and really

hardcore, underground (probably legal) uppers that will ensure you forget about that calc test you just bombed. How does this drink do this? Eh, who knows? I’m a barista, not a doctor. Sour Mocha: This drink has everything: spiced rum, a strand of fur from your favorite childhood stuffed animal, and the tears of Michigan football fans after they lost to MSU for the second year in a row. Starbucks doesn’t even know why they sell this drink, but they’re sure as hell that at least 80,000 white girls will tweet about it.

If you’re not a loyal Starbucks customer already, come in to buy one of these drinks and get hooked. Literally. There are drugs in these drinks so you will get hooked, which means we will be making a shitton of money from you. Great for us, probably bad for you, but we know your parents give you a weekly allowance anyway so you shouldn’t really care. We will only be offering these drinks for a limited time, so hurry in and try one before we are inevitably shut down by the health department.

The 5 Guys You Met on Tinder During Winter Break Danielle Jacosalem wrote this

Tinder is a delicate game, and one you don’t want to play while you’re at home. Unfortunately, over break you got a little desperate and looked for someone down to clown around. No judging, we’ve all done it. The pickings were slim; hey, it’s hard to tell how old guys are nowadays, what with high schoolers getting in on the trend. Nevertheless, you were able to pick up a couple guys over break. Your at-home conquests: The Guy With a Dead Deer in His Picture Main Picture: He’s holding the antlers of a dead buck. No matter how urban your hometown is, you will always find a hick at home. Pick-Up Line: “Are those Ariat boots?” Part of you had a dream of banging a Luke Bryan type of guy. Unfortunately, he looked and smelled like he lived in a barn. Did he look like he was going to kill you? Yes. Did he? No. But did he sing bad country songs that made you want to kill yourself? Yes. His mustache looked a lot thicker in his picture, and instead, it was just kind of sad. You slipped out of the roadhouse while he was talking about hunting season. The Guy Who Asked for Nudes Right Away Main Picture: Probably a shot of him flexing his abs as hard as possible. Pick-Up Line: “Nudes?” You had to give it to that guy for having the guts to just go ahead and ask. It takes balls to expose yourself like that. Like How I Met Your Mother’s “naked man” trick, it works two out of three times. Somewhere, some girl with extremely low self-esteem added him

on Snapchat and sent him the goodies. You were better than that. The Guy Who Graduated with Your Older Sibling Main Picture: Probably him wearing a suit, trying to mask his inadequate progression to adult life. Pick-Up Line: “Aren’t you _______’s little sister?” This guy went to high school with you, and was a couple years older. He spent the majority of his college career smoking weed and not going to class, explaining why he’s a sixth/seventh/eighth year senior. While your sibling and her moderately successful friends celebrated their reunion at the bars, he offered you a night in his mom’s basement and a bottle of Burnett’s. You were almost tempted to take him up on the offer until you reminded yourself he still lived in a basement. The Guy Who Used to be an Athlete Main Picture: His senior pic on the football field, kneeling. Pick-Up Line: “Hello beautiful *insert winky face emoji*” Number one on the field, number zero in our hearts. He was the star quarterback in his high school days, but didn’t get into college. He’s chilling at your local community college and drinking chocolate protein shakes before hitting the gym. If you were going to hook up with any of your Tinder matches, it was him. Underneath his worn-out high school jersey, there were chiseled abs and no sense of commitment, making him the perfect at-home hookup.

The Guy Who Seemed Too Normal to be on Tinder, but was Actually Crazy Main Picture: Smiling. Looks normal at first, but look in the eyes— crazy. Pick-Up Line: “What’s a beautiful girl like you doing on Tinder?” You matched up with this guy and immediately sensed something wrong. He goes to your school, you have a million friends in common—yet you’ve never heard of him. Red flags. However, your desperate self met him up and realized he was normal...kind of normal. Something was in the air that night, and it wasn’t Phil Collins. You agreed to see him again, but the next day, he ambushed you by introducing you to his parents and talking about your future. Boom, there’s the crazy. Now that you’re back at school, you spend time anxiously hoping you don’t run into him. Lesson learned— never hook up with the crazy dude.

Who it’s For: Freshly-resolved drunks and those who lack the basic human skill of recognizing other humans based on their, you know, face. It’s called prosopagnosia, look it up. What it Does: Organizes people in your phone based on how and when you met. So when you’re trying to track down those lazy shitheads in your group project you could search “English 301 group project” and those lazy shitheads would pop up. You’ll Learn to Hate it When…: You search “LOCAL BAR” and 30 names pop up, leaving you nowhere near remembering who that sultry brunette was who bought you a Fireball shot—but you sure as hell have met a lot of people you don’t remember there! Might as well stick with ol’ reliable “LOCAL BAR” in your phonebook and save the $0 this app costs for something else.

Who it’s For: Those of you who were “too cool” to take notes last semester and received bad ass Cs and Ds on your finals. You’re going to need a new approach, and since taking hand-written notes on an iPad is the opposite of cool, give this a shot. What it Does: Takes your (digitally) hand-written notes and makes them all pretty-like, turning your serial killer-esque chicken scratch into legible font and all those graphs you draw into perfect, re-sizeable shapes. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Come test-time, all those mindless doodles and dicks you drew look just as official as the actual notes. Is that a sketch of the Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima statue or four penises laying on top of each other? Let’s not forget that everyone will hate you for writing notes by hand on an iPad, and hopefully that hate will turn into self-hatred.

Who it’s For: To-be-graduating seniors who, for whatever reason, have yet to find post-graduation employment. Whether it’s because you’re finally snagging that bomb degree in unified philosophy or simply because you’re a lazy piece of human garbage who hasn’t started looking yet, you’ll need all the help you can get. What it Does: Aggregates job postings from major websites and company postings. Also, shows jobs based on geography. Work smarter, not harder, you know? Hey, use that in the job interview! You’ll Learn to Hate it When: You slowly come to realize Indeed is little more than an efficient way for you to pile up the rejection letters. Hey, how much more in student loans would you need to pursue another bachelor’s degree?

Who it’s For: You, the modern-day lothario-on-the-go. This year you’ve resolved to have what kids call “the sex.” For, it is women that you will have, yes, many of them. 2015 is going to be the year you get laid many a time. What it Does: Well, “CATE” is an acronym for “Call And Text Eraser,” so, it does that. Which, you know, if you meet a lucky lady at a party on Thursday, and then another lucky lady at a party on that Friday, then ANOTHER lucky lady getting coffee on Saturday morning, you can consider your player-ass self lucky that they’ll never have to know about each other, until... You’ll Learn to Hate it When: ...One of your “many” sexual conquests also happens to have CATE. She’ll know what it does—she’s not an idiot, she’s playing the same game you’re playing-- and she’ll be more than happy to track down the other four women you’ve been trying to sleep with and let them know about your hijinx. Hey, porn is free, and you never have to ask it for forgiveness.

Who it’s For: 2014 was pretty good to you, mate, and in turn you want to do some good for the world. Well, then maybe get like Haley Joel Osment and pay that bitch forward. What it Does: The app hits you up with suggestions about good deeds you can do locally. For example, you might get one that says, “Leave a copy of a really great book you read at a cafe for someone else to enjoy.” Hah, yeah, like people enjoy reading. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Suddenly you go to the ATM to snag a crisp $20 and you realize, then, in that moment, that suddenly you’re the one in need of a good deed because doing nice thing here and kind act there adds up, and now you’re destitute, cold, alone and charitable, which is no way to live your life.

Who It’s For: FATTIES LIKE YOU. What it Does: Ideal Weight lets you enter your data—height, weight, and the ilk—and in turn, it’ll give you your ideal BMI. Whether you’re underweight (yeah, right) overweight (ding, ding, ding!) or just right (no one loves you), you’ll know that, yes, in 2015 you’re going to kick some gym ass and take some gym names, like Jim. You’ll Learn to Hate It: Because what business, by god, does a stupid $5 app have telling you, a goddamn citizen of the United States of America, what you can and can’t shove in your motherlovin’ food-hole when you want to shove whatever it is you want in your goddamn American food-hole? Benjamin Franklin didn’t ward off the British in Denver all by himself to have a stupid robot tell you how to live your life. PIZZA AND REVOLUTION.

Who it’s For: Smokers, jokers, and midnight tokers. What it Does: It helps you quit smoking. Pretty straightforward. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: All the “stats”— meant to show you how long you’ve gone, how much money you’ve saved, etcetera—only remind you how much you miss smoking. It’s been 12 days, 5 hours and 32 seconds since you stood in the chilly New Year’s Eve air, just before midnight looking out from your friend’s balcony, chatting, and filling your lungs with that sweet, burning grey smoke. You’ll never have that social escape again. Oh you’ve saved $30? Think of all the cigs you could buy with $30… think of all the conversations and inside jokes that money has cost you… is it really worth it?

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