MSU 1/22/15 Issue by The Black Sheep

Volume 12

The Black Sheep

Fre e! L put ike th on o e po ver und bre s yo ak. u ..

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 2

THAT SEXY SLIP:

Turn Your Awkward Blunder into Sexual Thunder Becky Stanish wrote this

Slipping on the ice is the unsexiest thing that can happen to you. Your legs are sprawling in all kinds of non-sexual positions and your arms are doing a skanky version of “The YMCA.” Don’t even consider what your face looks like when you’re trying to save your skull from getting cracked open. It’s not the face you want to be making in front of that love-machine with well-sculpted hands who’s five steps behind you ready to help you up. Be prepared next time your ass hits the floor on your way to class, and try a few of these sexy moves out. Stun ’Em with the Man Bun: As you’re going down, think of the sexiest new trend. Yeah— man buns. Whether you’re attempting to grow one or you’re just a big fan of the bouncy ball of fun on the top of a dude’s head, there’s always a way to bring that sexy action to the ice. When you hit the ground, all you got to do is start rubbing your head and bring out the comb. “Damn. This man bun is just coming in too fast.” Don’t be surprised when all the ladies stop in their tracks and start peeling off their winter layers in your presence. The Brag and Stagger: If you’re a little insecure about what you got goin’ on in the downstairs department, try this move. As you take your fall from grace on your way to class, use this moment to put in a good word for what’s in your underwear. Make eye contact with the nearest stranger and strike up a conversation about how durable your privates are these days, or how this fall will add another bruise to your highly-experienced genitalia. Smooth Sailin’ and Whale Tailin’: Perhaps you’re a little on the shy side, and prefer to be more subtle about your sexual prowess. Don’t worry friend, you too can appear sexual as you land directly on your face in front of a potential mate. For this move, acquire a fine collection of thongs. Winter may not be the time to show off a lot of skin, but believe it or not it is still possible to look like a slut. Try tucking in all your layers into your flashy new thong, so when you take an embarrassing dip into the sidewalk everyone will get the message.

The “I Don’t Have Gonorrhea” Glide: Did you know that STIs create an indefinite center of gravity? Have you noticed that everyone you know with the herp has incredible posture and is really hard to push down the stairs? Maybe you’re aware of this fact or maybe you’re not. Skeptics are everywhere and research is still in the works. If you happen to fall on your ass this winter, take it upon yourself to shout this fact to all the people within a one-mile radius. Alerting others of your pristine condition will guarantee

you a number from a fellow disease-free hottie. Just because half of the year you spend at Michigan State is during the butthole of winter doesn’t mean your sex game has to be stunted in any way. Slipping on the ice during your walk to class is not a sexual handicap, but rather an opportunity to make people notice just how sexy you really are. Try out these moves this winter and let the action come to you.

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PAGES 12-13

EXPOSED! SECRET LOVE LETTERS BETWEEN LOU ANNA K. AND SPARTY!

TOUGH TIPS FOR ALL VIRGINS IN EAST LANSING

TRUE LOVE HAS NEVER BEEN SO...SCARY.

WITH THESE TIPS, YOU’LL LOSE THAT V CARD BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Adelaine Lazzel

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EDITORIAL MANAGER Max Harder

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PHOTOGRAPHERS Siobhan Findlay, Damani Gatewood

WRITERS Sam Metry Katelyn Hallup Max Harder, Danielle Jacosalem Justin Sienkowski, Halie Woody Molly Burford, Victoria Martin Becky Stanish, Katherine Smythe DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Garrison Rasmusen

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INCOMPEETENT The inability to pee in dorm bathrooms because, you know, performance anxiety, man.

ARIA ARIAL

I’m sorry I didn’t go when we were in the dorm, I was incompeetent! Hurry, help me find a bush.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT JANUARY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? BEN

“I love my bed in January more than any other time.”

BAYETE

“We get a day off for MLK’s birthday.”

CLAIRE

“February is worse.”

NOW TRENDING

EXPOSED: LOST LOVE LETTERS FROM LOU ANNA K.’S SECRET BOYFRIEND, SPARTY Kattie Hallup wrote this

THE TOP TEN Throwbacks to

Bring to Class this Semester Now that you’re officially into 2015, everything that was popular before 2010 is becoming super-hip. The Black Sheep is all about being vintage—we’re a print newspaper, after all-- so we’ve compiled a list of items and trends that are sure to be outrageously expensive at American Apparel this summer. 10.) Wonder Balls: What more could a kid like you want than bad-tasting candies encased in bad-tasting milk chocolate? Whip a few of these bad boys out in the middle of class and everyone will be jealous of your big balls. 9.) AIM: AOL Instant Messenger is a great way to electronically bond with your good friends. Sure, texting is a much more convenient way to do the same exact thing, but would your girl rather get a message from your lame phone number, or a cool screen name like B0N3RBoy69? 8.) Hollister Hoodies: Girls, don’t pretend you don’t have your first crush’s hoodie laying around your closet somewhere. These sweaters show the world that you could’ve been a frat star, but you just weren’t blessed with body muscle or general coordination. Extra points if you pair it with Hollister cologne (as if you could ever get those clothes to stop smelling like the store).

During the annual winter break building cleanup, a maintenance crew found a box of old love letters in the attic of Berkey Hall. The maintenance guys started to read the letters (because who wouldn’t?) and started to get a little turned on—until they realized that the letters unveiled a secret romance between a young Lou Anna K. Simon and none other than our beloved mascot, Sparty, from way back in 1974! One anonymous writer from The Black Sheep took one for the team and preformed sexual favors on a sweaty, old maintenance guy in order to obtain these letters, all so we could share them with you. My Dearest Sparticus, Last night I couldn’t sleep. My body yearned to feel the touch of your soft, cushy, gloved hand. I think fondly of the many nights we spent together, cuddled up on the football field staring at the night sky. I see your face everywhere I go. Your fierce, unblinking eyes, your strong eyebrows that are forever frozen in a harsh arch... I miss you my love. Yours Forever, LouLou My Sweet Little LouLou, I miss those nights too. I’ll never forget the feeling of your warm, flesh-like body pressed up against my cloth, cotton-stuffed abs. I feel such sorrow when we kiss. Because it’s like... you’re making out with me, but I can’t even move my lips. I know you’re destined for great things, honeybunch. You’ll be the president of this awesome university one day, I know it. Until then, you’re my girl. And I love you. Sparty on. Forever, Sparty on. -Sparticus Sparty, Last night was the best night of my entire life. Walking through the Botanical Gardens with you at midnight, I felt more alive than I ever have. You know I usually like to be in bed by 8 p.m. and being out so late with a boy... it was exhilarating. I knew I should have been getting an early start on my anatomy extra credit, but instead I was with you, learning about the phallic-based anatomy of the strongest, most barrel-chested mascot to ever grace a university. You’re so sexy and smooth. And also kind of velvety? When we were walking through the garden and you picked that beautiful rose for me, and tucked it behind my ear, no words were necessary. I knew what you would have said, if only you could speak. You’re perfect. And you’re all mine. Love Always, LouLou LouAnnie, If I could speak, I wouldn’t even know what to say. Do you understand? You would make me speechless… if I had the power of speech! What makes our relationship so strong is the love we both share for this great university. With you by my side, I know I can pump up any crowd. I can’t wait to see you again so I can pretend to feel your warm kisses against my hard, unmoving, cartoonish mouth. I hope someday that you’ll be my wife. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I remember meeting you; it was love at first sight. I was doing my favorite thing in the world, high-fiving fans at a football game. I slapped hand after hand, but it was slapping that derriere that would change my life. Yours. We had an instant connection. And we’ve been together ever since. -Sparty

7.) Missionary Position: Taking your sex life back to basics will be a thrilling bedroom throwback for you and your partners (look how we’re throwing in a plural quantity of lovers—must be the Hollister cologne). You’re sick of the kinky shit, and you need a break. Just do like the missionaries of old and think about how oddly satisfying it is. 6.) KONY: Even though you weren’t sure exactly what was going on with this guy, you were seriously against social injustices. Or was it child labor? Either way, you ordered a box of stuff online immediately. Put up a KONY 2015 sticker on your professor’s podium to let him know that KONY won’t go down without a fight… or is he the bad guy? Was it a guy... 5.) Ninja Turtle Backpacks: Your MacBook has to get to class somehow, and frankly, regular backpacks just won’t cut it. It doesn’t matter whether you one-strap, two-strap, or zero-strap this bad boy, because your classmates will know that you kick ass regardless. 4.) Temple Run: Flappy Bird and 2048 are so 2014 and are therefore beneath you. Bring back your trusty Temple Run app and prepare to stifle the raging obscenities that flow from your mouth every time you lose. 3.) Furbys: We’d bet that you’re pretty fond of your genitals, but after living with a Furby for over a day, we’d also bet that you’d be willing to castrate yourself to avoid having to live with it any longer. But something about it… it’s so cute though! You have to buy one! 2.) Listening to Fergie: Believe it or not, both Fergie and her humps still exist. We were equally shocked to hear of her supposed relevance in 2015. Go into class blaring “Fergalicious,” and tell your crush you want to see her London Bridge come down. 1.) Tech Decks: Now that you’re in college, you really have to be nimble and versatile with your finger movements. Whip out your Tech Deck Fingerboard to show all those potential lovers that your hands are capable of twirls and kickflips beyond their wildest dreams. After seeing your gnarly moves they’ll want nothing more than to be your own personal skate park. Albert Macklin wrote this

READ MORE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Too Much Time at Home has Students MSUPD Calls Ohio State Riots “Cute” Asking “What’s My Age Again?” In an official statement, the Michigan State Police Department addressed the riots that took place in Columbus, Ohio after Ohio State University won the NCAA Football Championship, saying “That’s it?”

Justin Sienkowski Wrote This

“Age amnesia” is the term doctors are using to explain a recent trend in students that spent Christmas break with their parents. This vicious condition is causing many MSU students to revert back to their high school selves.

The riots commenced shortly after the game concluded Monday night, with a recorded 89 fires and a fallen goal post among the damage. Despite this, the announcement by the MSUPD stated that the riots were “weak AF” and “just a normal Tuesday in East Lansing.”

Symptoms first began to take hold during the early parts of syllabus week. A noticeable uptick in Hollister and Abercrombie sales, as well large amounts of “he-said she-said” gossip from students and were originally thought to be an anomaly, but can no longer be overlooked.

“Ohio State likes to think they party hard, but let’s remember that Cedar Fest used to be a yearly tradition here at MSU,” Police Chief Roger Stallworth said while sipping tea, “but that’s none of my business.”

“It’s really ruining our relationship,” junior Jessica Mincey said about her boyfriend John. “He keeps ditching me to hang out at Hot Topic in Meridian Mall. The other day I tried to get him to go to Chipotle with me and he screamed ‘You can’t tell me what to do!’ and stormed out of the house.” She looked down, ashamed. “He even fights to sit at the ‘cool table’ in the International Center’s cafeteria.”

Additionally, a tweet sent out by the MSUPD Twitter account late Monday night read: “We do not condone of any form of public disturbance or destruction. That being said, eh, I’ll give it a soft 4 out of 10.”

John was last seen with a pack of skinny jean, Vans-wearing kids listening to Blink-182, discussing how his parents “just don’t understand him.” MSU Biology Professor Minka Larinov says that MSU scientists are almost ready to begin testing their new experimental vaccine to combat this angsty condition, with those in the science community referring to it as “burnastys.” “Once we inject them with a shot of this, they will forget all about their high school drama bullshit and go back to their regular, Tumblr-ridden lives.”

While only three cans of tear gas were deployed by police in Columbus, an MSUPD spokesman said that the EL Boys typically go through between anywhere from 5-25 canisters daily, largely dependent on the bar specials that evening. With the sudden rise of the football program at State under the divine guidance of Coach Mark Dantonio, a National Championship seems inevitable, and local authorities have been preparing for just such an instance. “Last time students rioted here we almost burned down an entire apartment community, and that was for a CONFERENCE championship. When Dantonio leads us to the Promised Land, the streets will be flooded with tear gas,” Stallworth noted sentimentally, “Tear gas of joy, that is.” Justin Sienkowski wrote this

Grandparents Surprise Grandson at School, Leave Horrified Baer Woods wrote this

As a back-to-school present to their darling grandson, Melissa and Dan Eckhart surprised MSU junior Marcus Eckhart with a visit to his Cedar Village apartment, and were horrified by what they saw within.

thing we knew there were hundreds of people in the apartment,” claimed Marcus, “this worked for the most part, because mentioning Twitter really confused them. They were distracted by that for quite a while.”

“This is not what little Marcus told us East Lansing was like,” exclaimed Melissa Eckhart, showing evident panic as her eyes darted between her husband and ashamed-looking grandson. “There were beer cans all over the place! He’s not even 21! He has assured us that he’s never touched alcohol. These friends of his are a terrible influence.”

This is the first time Marcus’ grandparents have visited Michigan State, and they have not been pleased with their trip thus far.

According to the Eckharts, when they entered Marcus’ apartment, there were extra-thin condoms scattered on the ground, a halfnaked girl on the couch, and mountains of empty pizza boxes piled on every possible service, all of them connected by a thick trail of ants. “I had no idea they were coming,” explained Marcus, visibly horrified. “I mean, shit, man. They live in Kentucky, what are they doing surprising me in East Lansing?” Eckhart tried to save face by explaining that his friends wanted to have a small get-together to try and welcome back a few friends to campus. It apparently got out of hand when someone put the party’s location online. “I told them how some girl tweeted about a party, and the next

“Every time we see Marcus over a break, he tells us how beautiful the library is and how frequently he goes there to study,” Melissa Eckhart told us, “but when we asked to see it, he had to ask for directions from someone! I’m starting to think he doesn’t study there as much as he tells us.” Mrs. Eckhart is also angry with Marcus’ parents for not telling them what to expect when they arrived in East Lansing. “Our son John swears that Michigan State is a first-class institution. He claims that Marcus is not only getting a valuable classroom education, but also extensive life experiences,” Melissa Eckhart told us. “I don’t understand how having a hookah on his desk is considered one of these ‘life experiences.’ ” While he was bit surprised at the life that his grandson was leading in college, Dan Eckhart has a different opinion than his wife.

“I’m just glad he’s becoming a man,” said Dan. “I was worried that my grandson was becoming a nancy boy,” he narrowed his eyes accusingly, “we Eckharts ain’t nancy boys.” “I went to Michigan State so I know what it’s like here,” Dan Eckhart continued. “Based on Marcus’s descriptions, I was worried that things had changed in East Lansing. I’m glad things are still kicking like they were in the 70s. Michigan State can expect to keep getting my yearly donation.” It is unclear whether the reports of Dan Eckhart making out with three girls at Rick’s were true. All he would say was when asked to comment was “Go Green.”

SEXY TIME WOES

Tough Tips

for East Lansing Virgins Katherine wrote this

So you’re new to the dating scene. You’ve got your new Vineyard Vines sweatshirt, an iPhone 6 Plus, and a semester bus pass. You’re ready to go. But guess what? Dating is hard, people are horrible, and chances are your Tinder account really isn’t doing you any good. No one really wants to date you: Your parents describe you as a kind, smart, and fun person. Who wouldn’t want to date you? You were captain of the JV football team in high school, so you know you’re about to rule the streets of East Lansing. You think you’re special, hell you know you’re special. Here’s the thing, so is everyone else. Unless you drive a BMW, or your name is Connor Cook, no one really gives a shit about you. You should always assume everyone is flirting: Even though no one wants to date you, on the off chance that someone might be stupid enough to be interested in you, always assume everyone is flirting. Did your professor put a smiley face on your paper? You should show up to office hours naked. Did your RA ask if you were having a good day? Maybe you should start taking advantage of those free condoms. Did the bus driver smile at you? Looks like you’ll be “getting off” at a much different stop than you expected. It’s college; no one is here to find true love: If you find someone who claims they want true love, run. Chances are this person is not stable and will end up peeing on the floor of your dorm room while you sleep. There are only three people who you should be falling in love with at college: the Conrad’s delivery guy, your hot humanities professor who can pull off a man bun and a sweater vest, and the girl who turns a blind eye when you walk out of the café with a tray full of pizza.

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

Stop using condoms: Do you really want to seal the deal with your significant other? Lay off the latex. In nine months you’ll have something that will ensure your relationship lasts at least 18 years. Plus, if you’re a teen parent, chances are, your family will disown you! This means you won’t have to sit through another boring family event ever again. Really a win/win situation for everyone involved. You need to try as hard as possible to swoon the one you love: Really, there’s no such thing as trying too hard. Stand outside your lover’s dorm room and wait for him/her to wake up every morning. Escort your lover to every class. Transfer to their church. Transfer into all of their classes. Switch dorms. Did they get a restraining order against you? Get facial reconstruction surgery. Disfigure yourself. Do. Whatever. It. Takes. Never ask your roommate to leave the room while you’re having sex: So you found someone with low enough standards to sleep with you on the first date. Really, it’s just rude to ask your roommate to leave. Invite them to watch. If you think it’s awkward to have someone watch you having sex, ask them to join. For a fun roommate activity, videotape yourselves and critique each other later. Amateur daters will learn all of these lessons slowly and painfully. It’s hard to throw yourself into the dating scene and you should give yourself major credit for trying. Just remember, if you can’t find someone to date in East Lansing, your aunt’s therapist’s pastor’s kid is the perfect match for you!

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

The Nightclub Is Back! Amazing Light Show & Music

Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off

Game Day Specials: During MSU/Wings $2 Domestics and $1.50 Off MI Crafts, 1/2 Off Small Plates

Thursday 1/22

Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

Friday 1/23

Open @ 10:00 ALL-NEW Sound System Largest Light Show – Over 6,000 Lights! Specials & DJs All Night GO GREEN!

Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

$3.50 Pints $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas

Saturday 1/24

Open @ 10:00 ALL-NEW Sound System Largest Light Show – Over 6,000 Lights! Specials & DJs All Night GO GREEN!

3 Buckets for $35 (1 Bucket Beer, 2 Buckets Food)

Check Us Out All Week: Monday - Wednesday: 3pm - Midnight Thursday- Saturday: Noon - 2am Sunday: Noon - Midnight

$3.50 Calls & Fireball Shots DJS 9 til Close

Sunday 1/25

Available for Sorority & Fraternity Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close

HALF OFF Pizzas (as low as $4) HALF OFF Beverages (as low as $2) ALL DAY – ALL NIGHT NO COVER

Monday 1/26

Available for Student Group Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

1/4 lb. Cheeseburger $3.29 $2 Mugs of Miller Lite 1/2 off drinks for Hospitality Employees

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

$5 MOO & BREW (Burger & Beer) HALF OFF Pints $2.25 $3 Long Islands NO COVER

Tuesday 1/27

Available for Fundraisers Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

Sporcle Live Trivia! 7-8pm and 8-9pm $1 off Burritos, Nachos and Taco Plate, Tequila specials and $2.75 Corona and Dos XX

Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

$2 Drinks, Pints & Bottle Beers $0.50 Wings $6 Crab Rangoons

Available for Private Parties & Celebrations Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040

Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Special ALL DAY! Live Music presented by Fusion Shows at 10pm! $0.75 off Mugs of Craft Beer, $2 Mugs of Labatt

Ladies Night 4-12am; $3 glass/$9 bottle of wine, 1/2 off apps for ladies | Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray

Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates

Wednesday 1/28 Thursday 1/29

SUNDAY NIGHT MLK PARTY NO SCHOOL MONDAY! HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10

Burgers, Salads, Hot Dogs & Fries $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Isles, $3 Dbls & Shots DJs from 2 til Close NO COVER 10 - CLOSE

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DJs @ 10, NO COVER The Original & Best! HALF OFF WEDNESDAY

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HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10

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THE BAR GRID EAST LANSING

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

$3.25 All Draft Pints, $3.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles, $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

Sun-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurantbar-hospitality industry workers

$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-yourown Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers

Closed waiting for the Super Bowl Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

MONDAY NIGHT PARTY 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles

$2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots

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JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4

BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier (Colorado) $5

COLLEGE NIGHT 18+ - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 JAGER BOMB $2 Domestic Drafts 2 FOR 1 ADMISSION WITH GUINNESS $5 - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland PATRON 7 (6-11PM) ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider COLLEGE ID. (Massachusetts) $2 Wells (6-11PM) 9PM COMEDYMACH SHOW 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, Fireball, Bacardi

Thursday 1/22

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% $2 Wells (6-11PM) hefeweizen (Germany) $5

HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% American IPA (Bellair, MI)

151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8

Friday 1/23

WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple $4 8PM and 10:30PM Schapps, Cranberry 5 Comedy Show

FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5

CIROC BOMB - 6

HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5 JAMESON - 5

LAGUNITAS - American IPA |Long 6.20% ABV California, $0.50 Beer, $4.50 United States $5 8PM and 10:30PM Islands, and $2.50 Bombs Comedy Show CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER (2pm-8pm) CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5

COCKTAILS

MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Wisconsin, United States $3

Saturday 1/24

BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7

MOJITO -Bacardi Rum, lime juice, mint leaves, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV Trippers is now MASTER featuring simple syrup, club soda 7 Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 national touring comedians 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite on the rocks 6 Thurs, Fri and Sat Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3

Sunday 1/25

STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6

BEER BOTTLES

$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints

ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier,

juice, simple syrup, chili powder Trippers is now lime featuring CARRIE BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored Vodka,orange national touring comedians liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Thurs, Fri and Sat

Monday 1/26

TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8 MARTINI ON THE ROCKS - Grey Goose, dry

bitters, lemon peel 8 Trippers is now Vermouth, featuring national touring comedians WHISKEY SOUR - Crown Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6 Thurs, Fri and Sat 7

Tuesday 1/27

ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

MARTINIS

Trippers is now featuring national touring comedians GUMMY Thurs, Fri and SatBEAR - Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, splash of sour and sprite 7

Wednesday 1/28

DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

COLLEGE NIGHT 18+ 2 FOR 1 ADMISSION WITH COLLEGE ID. 9PM COMEDY SHOW

TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANYThursday EVENT

1/29

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Sculpting Favorite Drink: Chocolate milk Favorite Shot: Captain Kirk Disgusting Drink: Rolling Rock Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: The ladies bathroom, handicap stall. What’s a drink you know exists, but have no idea how to make?: Mai Tai

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ALEX AT P.T.’S

Is there anything a freshman should know by now that he probably doesn’t know by now?: Reciprocation is key.

What’s the best late-night food item in East Lansing?: Conrad’s Drunk White Bitch Which US state is worst?: It’s a tie between Vermont and Texas. Is there anything a flying ninja kick can’t solve?: Everything, you can’t do shit when you’re flying, it’s like ducks, they’re awful. What’s a chip flavor that should be invented, but hasn’t been invented?: Chicken fried steak How do you live with yourself after everything you’ve done to her?: I try not to remember it. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m the most prolific Bartender of the Week of all time.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

SPIKED OR SIMPLE?

S’MORE OF THAT HOUSE FIRE

Ah, so you think you have a discerning palate, huh? We’ll see about that. Can you taste the difference between Diet Mountain Dew, and Diet Mountain Dew with vodka? Who knows!

Listen, it’s way too cold outside to start a bonfire. Plus, you live in an urban area, and the fuzz isn’t too keen about out-of-control fires in the area. But look at you, yearning for some sweet, sweet s’mores. What’s a boy to do? Well, find out.

What You’ll Need: A big ol’ jug of vodka, some Solo cups and a variety of mixers. Number of Players: 3+ Level of Intoxication: Hey, shut up, this one’s kinda boozy.

What You’ll Need: Hershey’s chocolate bars, graham crackers, marshmallows, a stick. Fatty Factor: S’more of the holiday belly fat for you, fatso.

How to Play: -Begin by having one volunteer set up the table, while the participants hang out in another room, or something. -Look at however many mixers you have. Now, set up twice the number of Solo cups on the table. Number pairs of cups on the bottom, so there’s two cups with each number. -Fill half of the Solo cups with a shot of vodka. Keep half of them empty. -Fill each cup with approximately 8oz of mixers, so that there are sets of two cups, each set representing a mixer: one with alcohol and one without. -Bring the players into the room. -Have each player take a drink of each set and guess which drink has alcohol and which one doesn’t. -Players who correctly identify the boozy drink may hand out a drink to another player. Incorrectly guessing a drink costs the player a drink. The Game Ends When: “Everything tastes the same, man. Everything tastes the same!”

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

IS BACK!

Let’s Get Baked: -Listen, you know how to make s’mores, we’re not going to tell you to do your job. -Wait, what do you mean this needs to be like, 250 words? Ok, here we go. -Prep by placing all of your materials near your oven, but keep them away from your stovetop so they don’t start on fire. -Break a graham cracker in half and place six Hershey’s chocolate bar pieces on one of ‘em. -Slap a marshmallow on whatever kind of stick you have laying around. -Crank one of the burners on your stove top to high. -Once it’s nice and red-hot, hold the marshmallow over the coil, rotating it regularly until all sides are brown. -Place the browned mallow on the chocolate, place the half of the graham cracker on top, smoosh and enjoy. -Oh yeah, turn that burner off.

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MSU Round 2:

Getting Back on Track Halie Woody wrote this

A month-long break from school is something that gets all of our dicks rock-hard and raging with excitement, but before you know it, class is back in session. You can feel the D getting more and more flaccid with each passing day. The familiar feeling of stress from homework, exams, and grades creep up on you like a Wolverine fan trying to vandalize Sparty in the night. Before you know it, the new school year is here and you will be wondering how the hell you’ll manage to get back on track. The Black Sheep is here to give you the insight you need to do just that. First, you have to motivate yourself to wake up and make it to class. We recommend that you begin by masturbating your way out of the groggy cloud of REM sleep. Once you’ve busted a nut or nearly died trying, you’ll be ready to hop on the next CATA bus with a smile. Secondly, you need to lay off the liquor. You’re not in an episode of Trailer Park Boys anymore, but it is vital that you don’t cut it out cold turkey. Just like a little baby, you’ve got to be weaned of that big old tittyfull of Canada House. Try a dash of Bailey’s in your morning cup of Joe. It’s a little

less harsh than whiskey, but it will still keep your body feeling all kinds of good. Your parents aren’t cashing out 25k a year for you to royally screw up, so make it a point to get your ass to class. You may even learn something if you can stay off of Tumblr for an hour. Try to reward yourself for every hour you spend intently studying, say, by taking a bong hit for every chapter of that thick, hard econ textbook you work through. Aside from academic goals, make it a priority to get involved in something on campus. No matter what kind of weird shit you fancy, there will be a club or an organization full of more goofy goobers like yourself to bond with. You can even start your own organization if you’re feeling ambitious. Try making a sweatpants club where you can embrace being a true human trash bag with other lazy ass-clowns in the East Lansing area. Keeping yourself busy is essential to getting back on the rusty train tracks of student life, so get a damn job. There are endless job opportunities around campus, so just apply

yourself and acquire fat stacks. Becoming a baller will not only get you laid, but now you’ve got the funds to reward yourself after a long week of class and flipping burgers in the cafeteria. Setting small, reasonable goals and rewarding yourself with hard drugs and alcohol is key to making the transition from vacation slob to dean’s list extraordinaire. If you want to make something of yourself, your inner Spartan will burn passion throughout you to do well. If you choose to slack off and stay in vacation mode, you might as well join Brady Hoke in his van down by the Red Cedar.

HIGH FIVE

THE NEW BEST PROFESSOR AT MSU Uncle Waz wrote this

Randall Bennett was terrified of his last semester at MSU. He had steadily maintained a 3.1 GPA, but had 18 credits of hard classes lined up for spring. He didn’t want to drop below a 3.0, lest he become a peasant in the GPA ranks (forever to be mocked by his superior colleagues). His most terrifying class, ANS 361 or “Animal Science: Psychology and Anatomy of Caninical Literature,” seemed the most difficult. How could one person not only study the complete physical structure of dogs, but also their neurology? And why was literature in the title? What kind of dog writes a book? Randall figured it would be advantageous to see what online reviews had to say about the professor, Dr. James Barkington. As he perused Koofers, he was thrilled to see that Barkington had received a 3.6 out of a possible 4.0. What luck! When he scrolled to the comments section, he saw one that seemed more beaming than most: “Dr. Barkington gets an A+ in both sitting and shaking. He is a good boy!”

“What an odd comment,” thought Randall, “but he must be efficient. The Pope couldn’t get a 3.6 on this campus, even the good one who doesn’t hate everything!” The comment stuck with him though, that Dr. Barkington was efficient at shaking. Shaking down good grades? Shaking down bad test takers and cheaters? Shaking his booty? He was scared, but it was too late to even think about switching his classes. The time for enrollment was done, so Randall packed his bag up and fell asleep. Arriving to Vet Med the next morning, he got off the 31 Bus and walked into the lecture hall, when, to his surprise, he saw a full class of 200 students. At the front sat a Corgi, dressed to the nines in a purple tie and glasses. As he stood at the door, the Corgi barked, as if to command Randall to find a seat. He sat, as the Corgi gave him an approving nod. Randall looked to the person sitting in the seat adjacent to him. “Yeah,” said the student, “Dr. Barkington is a Corgi. Awesome right?”

“Do we ever learn anything?” asked Randall inquisitively. “I mean, he’s wearing a tie,” said the student, “if he can accurately tie a Celtic triquetra knot, I’m pretty sure we can learn something from him.” “Does the dean know that Dr. Barkington is a Corgi?” asked Randall. “Does he have to?” asked the student, puzzled why Randall wouldn’t accept a Corgi professor. Randall

sat back as a screen in the front of the class asked the students to please sit and stay for the duration of class. As they rolled over to a new slide, Dr. Barkington got out of his chair and trotted over to a student who was passing a treat, and promptly gobbled it up. The next slide said to please hold all treats until the end or they would be promptly sniffed out and eaten by Dr. Barkington. As he jumped back up to his seat, Randall pulled out his notebook, not wanting to miss out on any more information. He was finally ready for this new and exciting semester.

Black

e d i u G Sheep

to the (for Those Who Haven’t Seen These Movies) Last Thursday the Best Picture nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced. But what will you—the on-the-go college student who doesn’t have time to watch eight movies—do when you’re force to discuss the merits of one of the films? Oh, don’t worry, The Black Sheep has your back. By Brendan

THREE MOVIES THAT

SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED

(and why you should watch them)

American Sniper

Birdman

Basic Premise: America’s best long-range killing machine isn’t a machine at all, he’s a guy with feelings and stuff, even when he’s a-killin’. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Dude, there’s no way a guy as good lookin’ as Bradley Cooper would ever be a sniper. I’m not gay or nothin’, but a man with that jaw line would be cleaning up on magazine covers, not waiting two weeks to shower in a desert.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I’m quite pleased with Eastwood’s clear, realistic portrayal of killing in American Sniper. Too often, it’s easily to glorify or vilify the act, eliminating the feelings of discomfort we need to face in a world with many shades of gray.”

Basic Premise: Michael Keaton plays an ex-superhero, in-a-slump actor (hey, like Michael Keaton!) holding tight to his final strand of fame as he works to debut a Broadway play. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I kind of assumed Cash Money Records was in financial trouble, but Birdman looks terrible in this documentary.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Don’t you think the continuous-take gimmick pairs nicely with Michael Keaton’s self-parody in this film? Together, they form a Mőbius strip that strongly argues that life does imitate art.”

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Basic Premise: The audience follows a boy (a real boy!) as he grows from a child to a young adult, unlike that stupid Peter Pan. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Editing 12 years of footage must be a real bitch. I had a hard time cutting 50 words out of my 5-page paper, so I just made the margins a little smaller.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “What a truly brave directorial choice this was. Given everything we know about what can go wrong on a movie set, spanning that agony over 12 years really does merit some hardware, don’t you think?”

Basic Premise: The Graduate meets Ocean’s Eleven, but substitute dark humor of post-college ennui with the twee stylings of Wes Anderson. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Voldermort looks totally ridiculous with that fake nose/moustache combo. This movie sucks.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I can’t believe Anderson has found a way to use humor to skewer dictatorships big and small, whether it’s an overbearing government, or an overbearing hotel administrator. In the end, both parties find new and interesting ways to alienate those forced to live under them.”

The Imitation Game

Selma

Basic Premise: A British WWII hero helps defeat the Nazis, only to face prosecution for homosexuality by the very government he saved. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “This movie is stupid, who cares about some British guy who cracked a code? Those Limey bastards would be speaking German right now if it wasn’t for us.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Perhaps it was Alan Turning’s disguising of his sexuality that allowed him to think of how similar misdirection applied to the Nazi coding system.”

Basic Premise: Martin Luther King Jr. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I wish that Martin Luther King Jr. was white, that way we’d already have a biographical movie made about him. Wait, that didn’t sound racist in my head.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “The film’s portrayal of Lyndon B. Johnson is immaterial. This movie isn’t about one man or two men, but rather an idea—a movement—that changed America.”

The Theory of Everything

Whiplash

Basic Premise: Handsome Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) faces a life-threatening motor neuron disease diagnosis. Hilarity Oscar Bait ensues. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “God, I hope this movie has some trippy shit about space, because if I have to see a hot girl nuzzle up to a cripple for two hours, I’m gonna puke.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I think The Theory of Everything shows that, even though paralysis can affect everything we can see, it’s the ethereal, the mind, emotion, love, that truly win the day in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.”

Basic Premise: “Only steers and queers play jazz drums, Private Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum, and you don’t look like much of a steer to me!” What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Could there be any more black shirts in this movie? It’s like those freakin’ band kids never grow up.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I found this film an enlightening exploration into the discipline required for the creation of art. Too often, I think, non-artists look at the creative process as a medium for extemporaneous expression, which it obviously isn’t. Using jazz, a free form medium, is just icing on the cake.”

Jake Gyllenhaal plays a weirdo who builds cred in the news community by recording—and eventually manipulating—accidents and crime scenes. Atmospherically intense and creepy, it’s like you’re watching one of the car crashes he films: You know something horrible is about to happen, but you can’t take your eyes off of it.

This isn’t a “throw a drink in your face” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie, it’s more of, “ruin your entire life and use your own faults as a man against you” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie. It’s awesome. And there’s a bloody sex scene, too, which will make you question your taste in erotica.

2014 will go down as the Year of Chris Pratt. Was there a more fun movie in 2014? (Hint: No) Action, hilarity, well-imagined aliens, worlds and villains—plus an anthropomorphized tree and raccoon. Just because this wasn’t a snore-fest 3-hour bio doesn’t mean it’s not one of the best movies of the year.

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’.

WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11

NOW LEASING FOR 2015-2016

Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

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13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old but hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food

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