The Black Sheep
fr e yo e...li u f ke ou the nd fo on ot th bal es lt ide ick wa et lk .
Vol. 9, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
8/28/13 - 9/4/13
How To: Tell If
Your Professor is D.T.F. BY: Meg Enter It’s a week and a half into the semester, the magical time when you still kid yourself by attending the majority of your classes. As you sit in a dark lecture hall, the kind that makes one forget an outside world with a solar calendar exists, you cast a cursory glance at your not-so-American TA and wonder how much the language barrier would impede your ability to seduce that awkward little fortune cookie out of her ill-fitting designer wear. But then, as the professor is drawing some sort of irrelevant diagram and discussing what you assume has nothing to do with your life or future, you have an epiphany. Why go for silver when you can go for gold? After all, all a TA is really good for is grading homework. Because The Black Sheep always aims to help sexually ambitious students accomplish goals and realize dreams, we’ve put together a guide so you know when your professor is down to fuck. At this great place of higher learning known as Michigan State University, there is the “foreign professor.” The illustrious foreign prof may appear as the dusky and exotic professor. With the foreign professor you’ll actually have to study the material and not your professor’s body language. If the grades are saying no but the eyes are saying yes, invite your them to your local kegger and get those drunk seduction moves working for you. Worst case scenario he or she says “no,” which we’re 64% certain is the same in every language, no matter how sexy they say it. Next is the cantankerous, old professor who was teaching before your second cousin’s older brother was born. We’re not sure why the majority of Caucasian professors are approximately 65 years old, but our best guess is there is some sort of secret society that stows away young, vibrant professors forcing them to live in dark, moist caves until they are overripe and gray for the molding of young minds (Editor’s Note: It’s called grad school). Given the lack of social interaction this group of professors generally experiences, it is really a toss-up in terms of being DTF. If the professor presents him or herself as the type that is starved for any iota of human contact, there is a good chance that your prof is down. Granted, there is a strong possibility you might have to endure a lecture about French structuralism or statistics in the manufacturing world while performing some crazy
monkey fellatio, but hey, there’s your four point. Unfortunately, if the professor has lived outside the social world long enough, any form of socializing or sexual engagement may be perceived as a threat. In this case office hours and doing your homework are your only option, so give up the dream of getting jiggy with it. The last and best type of professor is the drugged out, close-to-apsychotic-break type that captures our hearts once in our college career. This is the most misunderstood type, so gauging the likelihood of sexual intercourse is a difficult task. The psychotic break
may present itself in a stripping-naked-and–screaming-at-students fashion or just a simple uprooting ones life and permanently moving to an underdeveloped town in a foreign country. Of course, deciphering whether or not that hot piece of professor ass wants your D is never black and white and only the most confident of sexual conquistadors should pursue tapping that. So until you’re positive, keep your king cobra in its cage, and ladies, fasten up those lobster traps. If your professor isn’t DTF, you can always just buy the book and a few Adderall the night before the final.
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The Perilous Plight of Freddie Freshman
The Top 10: Spartan tailgating tips
A man’s pursuit of Freedom and Cans.
Freddie Freshman finds himself frolicking freely.
What Would Coach D do?
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Willie: Uncanned