The Black Sheep FR
EE GE ... L T I IKE TB C EF AM OR PU ET SS HE QU Y H IRR IBE EL RN ME AT AT, E!
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
Volume 7, Issue 3 9/13/12 - 9/20/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
THE LIFE OF A P.A.C.E. OFFICER GaRRison Rasmussen wrote this
digital audio from a p.a.c.e. scanner. recorded on September 7th, 2012. 7:03 p.m.: cindy, come in. looks like it’s gonna be a rough shift; i’ve already been booed by multiple groups of kids on porches and my self-esteem has taken a serious hit. also, i can’t stop farting for some reason. 7:05 p.m.: i see a house party. this community is about one puke-filled solo cup from absolute anarchy. i’m taking this address down for later. 7:29 p.m.: a black Bonneville is parked three inches past a “do not park” sign. textbook ticket, just like they draw it up in the p.a.c.e academy. you know, cindy, it’s not a real academy. it’s just a weekend class at community college, but you know how i like to reflect back on my days in the “academy.” 7:50 p.m.: cindy. hey, cindy. yeah, i can’t wait to write about that last ticket in the next letter i write to my grandmother whose been dead for five months. she’d be so impressed, i imagine. 8:12 p.m.: come in, cindy. hey, do you ever think about this job? like, really think about it. lately i’ve just been wondering how much of a difference we actually make as parking enforcers. what? yeah, i’ll pick you up some froyo when i get off—yup, birthday cake and butter flavor, just like you like. 8:15 p.m.: cindy, i just had some little freaks spit on my truck then run inside. yeah, it was pretty dangerous, i mean, i’m sweating pretty hard right now! 9:01 p.m.: what country do these rowdy little punks think this is? they can't spit on trucks, my truck, without consequences? when did the good ol’ u.s. of a. become mexico? 9:03 p.m.: this proves it, cindy. the elpd need some help and i’m going to clean up the streets. this is the night everything changes. wow, suddenly my life has purpose. no need for me to flood the suicide hotline with calls again tonight! 9:10 p.m.: wrote up two clearly drunk ruffians for jaywalking. i’ve got no breathalyzer on hand, cindy, so i did the rational thing that any supercop would do and tied them both to a bus bench. their jaywalking days have been effectively ended. 9:57 p.m.: i’ve had enough. the very presence of a college student on the street is unsafe. we need to take all of them
THE BIOGRAPHY OF A PUSHUP KING
THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND... YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.
PAGE 5
down. no, of course this is all protocol. 10:15 p.m.: ran two kids off the road. cindy, i don’t know if it’s all the car chases or crime stopping, but are you as turned on as i am right now? 10:43 p.m.: i’ve never felt more alive. finally, this town is getting the enforcement it needs. i ripped off my uniform’s sleeves and tied them over my face. Justice has no face. 11:16 p.m.: Kid was a pissing on a tree. cindy, you should have been there, i knocked him unconscious then threw him in the back of the truck. god, i hope all the charges stick. it’ll be good to see this pasty moon-face behind bars. are you kidding, why would i stop? no, i’ll probably make sergeant for my work tonight.
what’s inside
TOMMY REES' APPLICATION TO NOTRE DAME'S FOOTBALL TEAM HOW THE SAUCED-UP SIGNAL CALLER GOT INTO GOD'S HOUSE.
PAGE 7
11:24 p.m.: come in, cindy. i’m heading back to hQ now. calm down, i remembered to pick up your froyo. i hope you like your froyo like i like my justice, cindy: cold, hard, and vigilant—wait, did you tell the entire force to meet me outside the station? (Radio drops and we hear the truck door open and many deep voices ordering Barry to step away from the vehicle) 11:25 p.m.: cindy, come in, cindy, this whole city has turned on me now; the cops are arresting me and yelling about charges of kidnapping and false imprisonment! cindy, my sweet cindy, tell the world my story. sell the movie rights of tonight to paramount and make sure they get leonardo dicaprio to play me. remember, cindy, i can live forever as long as you remember me.
A LETTER TO MSU FROM THE WELLS HALL PREACHER HE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO HELL! (NOTE: YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.)
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Do you know who these hotties are? send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
EACH HONK TRUST LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS
amber heard & taylor kitsch
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word of the week Spinsturd:
A piece of poop that wraps all the way around the bowl of a toilet.
“Hey Jeff, come look at this spinsturd I dropped after eating all that cheese!”
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AN INSIDE LOOK AT: THE UNTOLD HORROR OF THE GIRL’S BATHROOM zoË kRemke WRote this your alarm goes off, and slowly but surely you get out of bed. half asleep, you shuffle down the hall in your fluffy slippers and mindlessly feel your way into a stall of your floor’s community bathroom. suddenly, out of the corner of your eye you spot a, a—what the shit is that? you crane your neck and examine it further as all of your worst lavatoryrelated fears are confirmed. yup, it’s an old tampon; a filthy, rancid, old tampon that’s just hanging out to say, “hello!” first thing in the morning. unfortunately, this sort of early morning “greeting” isn’t as uncommon as you assumed it would be before moving in. most people assume that girls are cleanly creatures who poop rainbows and live in a world of singing silk unicorns. wrong, but understandably so. after all, girls do smell like flowers and baked goods 97.23% of the time, and they do seem more put together than their male counterparts. however, all of that repressed messiness explodes in community bathrooms. a quick peek around any dorm’s bathroom will tell you everything that you didn’t need to know about girls. the first week held the relatively minor shock of clogged toilets, grime-coated tile floors, broken toilet paper dispensers, an array of used tissues coating the countertops, unmentionable stains on the toilet seats, and, of course, the aforementioned grubby tampon incident. could it really get anymore horrifying than that? probably not, you think, hopeful that mercy is in sight. well, you were definitely incorrect, because the showers haven't even been broached yet. there you find enough hair in the drains to donate to locks of love as a cruel april fool’s prank. not to mention the endless piles of razors, soap bars, and shower-scrunchies that seem to materialize day after day. how do residents forget these things in the shower? aren’t they sort of necessary, for, like, the next time you need to shower? and how on earth do you forget them every damn day? with more unanswered questions than an X-Files episode, you decide to investigate. why do your floor-mates insist on creating a space less sanitary than a pigpen? do they really just not give a shit (pun fully intended)? maybe that’s the case, or maybe—just maybe—there’s something deeper in the female psyche that causes this haywire collegedorm phenomenon you’re experiencing.
perhaps it’s the “crazy college” bubble that causes this disaster, or maybe it’s just that they’ve been so clean their whole lives at home, that being at college is a whole new world, with unsanitary living as exciting as the new experience of untethered, purely sexual relationships? i realize that sex isn’t always unsanitary, but these options do seem plausible. But really, we can come to only one conclusion: girls in the dorms are clinically insane. leaving a used tampon on the floor is unforgiveable. clearly the culprit of such tampax treachery was beyond insane in the membrane. you’re not the crazy one, they are, and there is no use trying to understand their sick, twisted logic. Keep your chin and toilet seat up, kid, and maybe consider using the bathroom in a different neck of the woods.
The Top 10
Reasons MSU Should Be One of the Princeton Review’s Top 10 Party Schools To the princeton review’s Top 10 Party School Committee I am a student at Michigan State University. You may know my school by one of its other nicknames: “Ragetopia,” “Ball So Hard University,” or “Oh-My-God-SheFell-Off-the-Balcony State.” Regardless, I noticed you left MSU off your list of the Top 10 Party Schools this year. For this slight, we feel the need to give you these ten reasons why MSU should be an annual Top 10 Party School powerhouse. 10) most schools use girl-to-guy ratios as an indicator of coolness. msu dominates this ratio, and is #1 in the nation for our drinking days to actual work days ratio.
THE BIOGRAPHY OF A PUSHUP KING coDY manthei WRote this DISCLAIMER: Everything in this biography is 100% factual. As a student of pushups and history, I have spent years studying a fascinating man named Paul Lynch and his epic feats. All this information is either entirely true, or an extremely educated guess based upon Lynch’s character, his societal/cultural upbringing, and his Wikipedia page. No need for fact checking and/or accusations of slander against the writer. paul lynch was born of a cheese grater and russian hamster - wait a second. that’s not right. let me start over. paul lynch was born of a cheese grating, manufacturing mogul, his father, and a russian hamster breeder, his mother. (the hamsters were russian, not his mother). he grew up in the south Bronx during the 1960’s polka revival in new york city, but was not influenced by that in the slightest because he was deaf. throughout his youth, lynch was most concerned with one thing: pushups. not those delicious flintstone-themed ice cream treats, actual gym class style pushups. he would spend his days after school challenging the neighborhood bums to pushup contests, with the promise of cheap liquor to the winner. lynch never went home sober By fifteen, he was competing on the national level, and winning. he took down the goliaths of the pushup world at this time: Billy “stiff as a Board” ingram, Johnny “the atlas shrugger” murray, and James “Bob’s great uncle” saget. By eighteen, he was the youngest and most winningest pushup competitor of the day. lynch had higher goals though, and set his eyes on the guinness Book of world records. as he trained, he focused more of his energy on one-armed pushups. his first attempts failed, but finally, on July 10, 1983 he set his first world record by doing 1,753 one-armers consecutively. But with great power came great responsibility, friends, and various dissolvable powders. lynch started delving into the world of hard drugs. turns out, he could snort an eight ball with one arm too. it was a shitty
addiction, but everyone agreed that he could seriously party. not to mention the bevy of women that a coke-addicted pushup champion attracts. this guy could do over a thousand pushups, imagine how many thrusts he could execute with the ol‘ “lynch pin.” unfortunately for lynch, he crashed after failing a urine test. Banned from the american competitions, he lost all of his previous titles. (at least he still had both balls, though, right lance?) and for a year or so, he fell off the map, but only to rise like a phoenix from the ashes. on september 13, 1987, paul lynch did what no other man in history had ever done. in a twenty-four-hour span, he completed 32,573 pushups, his arms crushing another guinness world record and countless microorganisms yet again. when he finished, he stood up tall and said to the crowd, “heroes get remembered, but legends never die.” a line that was later uttered by art laflevr, a self-proclaimed admirer of lynch, in 1993’s The Sandlot. for lynch, this was the defining moment of his life. everything up to that point now meant nothing. he didn’t even talk to his three kids after that. But why would he, really? he had just done 32,573 push-ups. he could have shot three more kids out if he wanted. But just like that, lynch was back on top. after that, he went into retirement, vowing never to push himself up again, but he couldn’t stay down forever. on april 21, 1992, while shopping in santa monica, lynch was approached by a man who asked if he would do some of his famous one-handed pushups. he replied, “fuck it. i’ll do ‘em with one finger.” he did 124 consecutively in about five minutes. on what would have been his 125th, every bone in his finger broke and he passed away. his dying words are words to live by. he looked at the man, deep in the eyes, almost into the man’s soul and said, “Back to the Future III was a fiasco.”
9) we have catchphrases for days here, so if “sparty on!” doesn’t entice you, there’s also “sorry for spartying” and “let’s burn that couch!” 8) while schools like ohio (you made them #1!?) “celebrate” wins over mediocre mac schools, le’Veon Bell is hurdling someone on national television. have you ever shot-gunned a beer, looked up, and seen a human being galloping gracefully through the air like a gazelle? nope, this isn’t some kickass alcohol-fueled version of The Hunger Games, it’s just another day in east lansing. 7) we roll deep with one of the largest student bodies in the nation. this means that on any given night, at least 5,000 students are somewhere drinking copious amounts of booze and making regretful erotic decisions. guess that number isn’t high enough for the Princeton Review. 6) oh, your school has a campus pd? do they bust up your adorable little parties because you’re playing “call me maybe” too loud? we have horse cops. why? no fucking idea, but apparently sometime in the last four years the elpd got together and said “guys, i think we need horses. we’re outnumbered; operation equine enforcement is our only hope. 5) magic Johnson. talk about yolo. 4) a river of liquor runs through the heart of our beautiful university. okay, that’s not entirely true, but if you drink the water you’ll definitely get a solid buzz. 3) ever heard of the blockbuster movie series American Pie? i’ll admit the last four of them were horrible and were only made to get eugene levy paychecks, but the first two—the classics—were full of references to michigan state and our epic parties. pretty sure all iowa has on the big screen is the unfortunately nudity-free Field of Dreams. 2) the university tries to pretend that cedar fest never happened, but search for it on youtube then look me in the eye and tell me that uc-santa Barbara had more tear gas and pepper spray launched at them than us! 1) who will play drinking games in the front yard “because it’s tuesday”? who will live solely on a diet of captain morgan and captain crunch for the entire fall semester? who will sparty on, until they just can’t sparty anymo’? spartans will. sincerely & drunkenly, alex everard
FROM THE STREETS
[PartyPics]
got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s your spirit animal? "honey badger." - Roger B., Freshman
"panda." - Paul C., Sophomore
"parrot." - Katie B., Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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TOMMY REES’ APPLICATION TO NOTRE DAME’S FOOTBALL TEAM hannah boRlanD WRote this Full name: thomas Kevin rees preferred name or nickname: “fightin’ Jollybear.” unless it’s not cool with you guys for me to use “fightin’” just yet. i‘ll be “Jollybear,” or whatever. Date of birth: 05/22/1992 Year of hs graduation: 2009 Religious affiliation: i just converted to western mahayana zen Buddhism of the Korean tae’go order. which is basically catholic, i think. you know, religious diversity is a good thing. the Buddha never touched any little boys between their goal posts if you know what i’m sayin’. haha. anyways, football and the savior go hand-in-hand in platonic heterosexual friendship. Jesus healed people’s spirits, which is what i’m all about, and once i go pro, i’ll show you guys my love for him by kneeling in prayer after every touchdown. i know, dope idea. hope no one steals it. any drug or alcohol use?: absolutely no drug use, unless the inspiration and candy sunshine rays of his holiness the Jesus llama counts as a drug. seriously, when i read Jeremiah 29:11, i feel like i’m tripping on mdma and fudge flavored pixie stix. when my dashing-good looks and devotion to christ get me to the nfl, that verse’ll be right on my website’s homepage. What do you consider to be your greatest achievement to date?: my senior football season, i completed 215 of
308 passes for 2,572 yards and 23 touchdowns. do i need to pull out more statistics to prove to you that god’s on my side? i think my next biggest achievement is my twitter— one chapter and verse number of at least one Bible verse posted per week. i will continue to be the only person in pro football to show such dedication to our lord and earl of sandwich, Jesus christ. seriously, you won’t find anyone else who is that dizzy-down with the man up tizzy-top. What are your short-term goals?: i’d like to win the heisman. no joke, brohemians, i want to make college football history in honor of pope Jean-claude Van damme. if i found out some other douche won the heisman, i’d probably have to punch a non-baptized child or notre dame-hating cop. Who do you look up to?: other than el Jesucristo? well, let’s see – i’m sorry, this is kind of throwing me because i figured you guys would only care about my deep, passionate, and everlasting love for christ. in fact, i thank him for all of my talent. even when i don’t play well, it’s god’s will that—wait, who the hell is this tim tebow person on yahoo’s news? first sophomore ever to win the heisman? at fucking florida? Bullshit, he didn’t even have to pretend to want to bend over and let god and the pope rush his two-hole hard, so to speak. aw shit. now i have to punch a cop! wait, sorry. i’m totally cool, guys. i just have to go out and clear my head later with my good, god-fearing buddy and linebacker carlo calabrese.
(Editor’s Note: The rest of Rees’s application consisted of angry, indecipherable scribbles, and many sketches of a muscular Jesus fighting a Tim Tebow devil.)
how do you respond to adversity?: fucking tebow. Jesus.
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The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.
$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
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WeD, 9/12 thuRs, 9/13 FRi, 9/14
TUES: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's Wednesday $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 - Pints $3.50 $2.50 – Call Long Drinks Islands Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints 3P.M. BURGER BASH $3.00-–8P.M. Well Drinks $1 Burgers Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Saturday$1 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints (excludes top shelf liqours) $3.00 – Well Drinks 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING Sunday All Day $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Miller MimosasLt, Coors Lt, $3.00 – Pints Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands Shots $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs
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14 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
sat, 9/15
ITS A GREAT DAY TO BE A SPARTAN! $3.50 All Flavored Vodka's $3.50 Captain Morgans $3 Wells and Domestic Beers $3 Soco Lime, $3 Kamikaze Shots DJ BIG MIKE
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1/2 Off Night The Ice Boxers DJ Juan Trevino
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MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats
Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
sun, 9/16
Sundays are for Detroit Lions Football!
$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
mon, 9/17
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
tues, 9/18
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
WeD, 9/19
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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FRIDAY: Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
GO GREEN, GO WHITE! SPECIALS RUN OPEN-CLOSE 7 DAYS A WEEK
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18+ Night! Doors open at 10
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WeD, 9/12
Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
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$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
thuRs, 9/13
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRi, 9/14
THURSDAY: Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks
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$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $6 Spartan Spirits 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
sat, 9/15
Country Night $1 Pints 6-8 P.M.
$2.50 Labatt and Miller Light Bottles, Molson and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
Happy Hour Tue-Sun 6-9 P.M. $2 Everything
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
mon, 9/17
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
tues, 9/18
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WeD, 9/19
Bar Crawl? Contact Marc@elevatedendeavors.com
1/2 OFF NIGHT!
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
sun, 9/16
DoWnloaD ouR app anD Get these specials on YouR phone! moRe baRs cominG eVeRY Week!
The Bar Grid
PAGE 10
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A LETTER TO MSU
FROM THE WELLS HALL PREACHER anDReW RickeRman WRote this dear wiccans and sinners of msu, hello. this is your friend, the wells hall preacher. there are some issues i’d like to discuss, and this time i hope you’ll listen. i have dedicated countless weekday afternoons trying to lead you into the open and formidable arms of our lord and savior, but the only followers i can get on the bandwagon are some guys who were fired from mickey d’s to hold my “god hates masturbators” signs for $3.50 an hour. students, long ago during a bad period in my life i used to be a sinner like you. i frequented the circle jerks, consumed copious amounts of alcohol, and even bit the occasional woman or two, because i had a bit of a vampire fetish. hark, those days are behind me, you heathens! i’ve found the light of Jesus christ and repented for all of my wrongdoings. there is still hope for you too. i come before you on your repugnant campus as a man of the cloth who seems to be misunderstood by many. i want to save you. if only you all would listen.
alcohol is the nectar of satan’s sack. it should never be consumed because the only outcomes of drinking it are: lust, fornication and, if all else fails, masturbation. these are all generally fun activities, but as i previously mentioned, all fun activities are sinful.
i understand when giving my intellectually stimulating sermons, most of you are off to class. Because of this, i’m taking it upon myself to give you a quick run-down of how to ensure your admittance into the golden gates of heaven, thus avoiding a reservation for one in a fiery pit of doom for all eternity.
other religions: so you’re one of the 2.2 billion muslims in the world? you’re a shabbat loving Jew? you’re all done for. tell satan hello for me. and you “christians” out there shouldn’t breathe a sigh of relief just yet. all the “forgiveness,” “acceptance,” and “god loves you” bullshit needs to come to an end. god hates you and you should feel ashamed at all times.
regarding masturbation, i do not care that the good book never directly mentions masturbation – let alone claims it as a sin. i’ve seen enough hairy-palmed, blind beggars in my time not to think it isn’t harmful. adulterers and fornicators, you too will feel the wrath of our lord. the only way to avoid sexual immorality is to hold out on knocking boots until you are finally married (to a member of the opposite sex, might i add). and you really should only be doing it if you want a preciously pure child to be the outcome. if you have ever lusted, you have sinned. so, gays, lesbians or anyone who’s ever had sexual fantasies about their ta (that’s all of you) – enjoy your damnation.
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yes, i interpret the scripture literally (while sometimes making up my own rules) and you may not agree, but my interpretation is correct and yours is not. this is something everyone has to come to terms with, or at least you should if you wish to be saved. i hope you found this to be informative and i look forward to seeing you evildoers tomorrow afternoon! forever holier than thou, the wells hall preacher
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PAGE 11
THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE | FOR iPHONE & ANDROID
bartender of the week EVAN PT O'MALLEY'S Relationship status: taken
What time do you start pregaming for a msu night game? i’m always working.
age: 26 nickname: ev What’s the best line someone’s used to score a free drink? "i’ll show you my boobs." Favorite tV show bar: maclaren’s pub on How I Met Your Mother.
THE DRINKING GAME
Categories
have you ever been puked on at work? no. (Knocks on wood) What’s the weirdest shot you’ve had to make? greasy mexican (2oz. tequila, 1 oz. mayonnaise). Dance club or dive bar? dive bar .
Deal breaker in a significant other? drugs.
Who was the last person you drunk dialed? my brother.
best craft brew: two hearted ale.
What would you say to the police to weasel your way out of a public intox ticket? "i work at a bar."
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
Nutter Butter French Toast
Forgive us, loyal boozers, for we have sinned. We’ve been so preoccupied with partying hard that we forgot about the pleasures of just casually drinking among friends. Do your liver a favor and try this one out.
Have you ever bit into a Nutter Butter and thought, “Wow, it doesn’t get any better than this!”? Well think again, because we’re taking your favorite buttery nuts to the next level.
What You’ll need: Beer and beer only. number of players: four or more. level of intoxication: you’ll get a great buzz going, so even if your alcoholic self wants to go hard, this is a good way to pregame.
What You’ll need: Bread, bananas, peanut butter, and butter. cook time: as long as it takes your ex to bust a nut, so like, 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: it’ll give you a little chub, that’s for sure!
how to play: - grab some beers and sit around a table. - choose a broad category, like u.s. states, colors, adam sandler movies, etc. - going around the circle, each player must say a word that falls under the chosen category. for example, if “adam sandler movies” is the category, possible answers would be Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. - if a player can’t think of an answer, they must drink their beer for five seconds. - if a player repeats an answer that was already said, the player must take a sip of beer along with the person originally said the answer. - once someone messes up, switch to a new category. the Game ends When: the beer runs out, and everyone just wants to call it a night. we’re tired from being so glamorous, give us a break, uggo.
DOWNLOAD OUR APP FOR ALL OF OUR DRINKING GAMES!
let’s Get baked: - Beat eggs in a bowl. - spread one tablespoon of peanut butter on top of each slice of bread. - cut up your banana and spread the pieces across your peanut-buttered bread. - put the pieces of bread together, making a peanut butter and banana sandwich. - melt butter into a frying pan. - dip your sandwich into the beaten eggs. - place the sandwich on the heated pan and cook until both sides are brown. If you’re really trying to indulge, grab your two main squeezes, Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker, and smother syrup and chocolate all over this delicacy.
HUNGRY FOR MORE? THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
as long as the entertainment industry ignores the internet and continues to pour money into cable television, we will continue to be bombarded by mind-numbing commercials. take some smiling middle-class twenty-somethings with nice jobs and cool clothes, inject a few minorities, and voila, you’ve got yourself a commercial. despite being material girls in this material world, The Black Sheep wondered what would happen if advertising execs stepped out of their money caves and into the real world. what would these commercials look like if their commercials just dropped the pretence and said what the company was really trying to convey? By: Quinn and Brendan
5-Hour Energy
Miller Lite
hey dude! yeah you, sitting alone on the couch! look at us bros on the tV, drinkin’ miller lites and razzin’ each other like dudes do. look at all the hot girls around us! look at how hot that bartender is! why are you sitting alone, drinking water and watching football like a pansy? who does that? no one here does that! Join us, crack open a cold miller brew and you’ll never look back. you’ll be at a tailgate or a not-decrepit sports bar with your pals! don’t have any pals? you will if you drink miller lite! But if you’re thinking about drinking anything else besides a miller lite you can see yourself through the god dammed door. go ahead, order whatever is on special, and watch as your new hot friends and bartenders call you out for being such a pussy. drinking anything else is unmanly, you might as well push your penis up inside yourself and wear lipstick.
got that been-drinking-for-3-daysstraight feeling and it’s only friday? second day of frothy acidic coffee shits? too pussy to reach out to an acquaintance for adderall? try 5-hour energy. it might trick you into thinking it’s working.
you are a man, aren’t you? men have beards, watch football and have sex with women that resemble grecian goddesses. they don’t, above all else, drink “whatever.” you might as well be some sort of tight jean-wearin’, soccer watchin’, he-she who doesn’t know what good beer tastes like. our beer is good, and that’s why we’ve invented bottles and cans that funnel it down your throat as fast as possible.
listen, you’re a hard-working person who doesn’t have time to make coffee. while your co-workers sit in the dark pit that is their cubicle, drinking latte after latte and thinking about hanging themselves in the shower later, you’re chock-full of B-Vitamins and guarana – it’s basically gasoline for humans! drink a 5-hour energy every morning and you won’t not be not having sex and running on treadmills before dawn! dawn! you don’t need to nurse your hangover with “food” or “sleep,” 5-hour energy has everything your body needs in a 1.93 oz package! plus, you won’t crash!*
AXE Body Spray
Taco Bell
sitting alone in a corner? does the scent of self-loathing seep through your pores? feeling like you’re slowly slipping away from the world because you exist on a different plane of being?
hello there, our very stoned friend. sure, you could change the channel, but that remote is literally three feet away, and after that fourth bong rip we both know you’re not lifting a finger.
well, it’s because you’re not getting enough of that sweet, sweet pussy.
instead, we’re going to show you some images of delicious, low-rent tex-mex food. yeah, look at the way we drape that velvety cheese-flavored wax blend all over finely-ground possum assholes. right now you’re wishing you could fire that gooey goodness into a spoon and inject it straight into your cholesterolladen bloodstream. oh, but we’re not done yet. after that we’re going full-on h.a.m., wrapping that bitch up in flour tortilla, smothering that thing in cheese, then wrapping another deep-fried corn tortilla around that diarrhea missile. sure, you’re going to shit your pants later, but that just means you can shove some more type-2 diabetes down your gullet.
so listen up faggot, you need some axe dark temptation Body spray before you put that glock to your temple and double tap your way to the big poon tang palace in the sky. the problem isn’t your general disgust towards mainstream music, movies, television shows and books. it’s not your obsession with Minecraft. it isn’t your greasy, unwashed hair, or your chain wallet, or the black jean short and Queensryche t-shirt combo you sport in the middle of december. nope, you’re not fist-deep in freshman snatch right now because you don’t smell like a dumpster behind a strip club. you need to get in the car right now and
head to your nearest department store. park in a handicap spot, because if we’re being realistic, you’re afflicted with a mean case of Vagophilia hustle down to men’s health products and just grab the first can you see. spray that shit all over your body. Just…just empty that bitch out. if you think you’ve sprayed enough, you haven’t. alright slithound, now it’s time for you to get all up on the bitches. you see, we lace our shit with chemicals that draw them sluts towards you. pheromones or hormones or something. what einstein, does it look like we went to college? either way, you’ll have some whores moaning all up on you when you’re axin’ and relaxin’.
“But i’m way too high to drive, and it’s almost 10:30p.m.,” you foolishly mumble
so get to the store and grab yourself a case. stock your cabinets with 5-hour energy, people won’t think you’re a psychopath, they’ll think your smart and awesome! are you a boring old office worker? you should drink 5-hour energy! are you a boring old construction worker? you should drink 5-hour energy! are you an inmate snowman? 5-hour energy! *In you won’t crash the airplane you’re not flying. An emotional crash, however, is guaranteed. Imminently.
to yourself. hah! don’t you know we’re open later than shit? we invented the fourth meal to eliminate the anguish degenerates like you feel when you’re mouthfucking your food hole mere minutes before you pass out from exhaustion after a long day of self-loathing and jacking off. so yeah, we’ll wait a few hours for you to hop in your 1997 chevy lumina and haul your “sober enough to drive” ass down to the nearest taco Bell. and don’t forget to pick up some Baja Blast when you swing through, that shit is legit.
the interview
FITZ & THE TANTRUMS
Noelle Scaggs, lead female vocalist for the indie soul band Fitz & The Tanturms, may be technically considered a “tantrum” in the band, but her powerhouse voice makes her the feistiest of them all. We had the chance to chat with the singer about performing love songs, being the only chick in a gaggle of guys, and, of course Ryan Gosling. Check out their hit album, pickin’ up the pieces while you wait for their newest album in 2013. By: Jess Sommers The Black Sheep: How did you get to know Michael Fitzpatrick, and how did Fitz & The Tantrums get started? noelle scaggs: michael had been going through a really bad break-up and he wrote the song “Breakin’ the chains of love,” which was kind of his first song he had written with this motown style. he called up John wicks, a mutual friend of ours and our current drummer , to help develop more of these types of songs, which turned into our first ep, songs for a Breakup, Vol. 1. so i went to the rehearsal studio and the first rehearsal we all just really jelled, mine and michael’s voice jelled really well together. it felt like we had been performing for a long time. the beginning stages were really cool because it was a rare happening, you know, finding musicians who can really play and you have this moment of knowing this works. you’re not really sure where it’s going to go, but it really worked out. and everything with the band kept falling into place. we just kept getting offered gigs , and then came people who wanted to manage us. we had been together for six months before we go an offer for our first tour, with hepcat and flogging molly, then came touring with maroon 5. it was really special . TBS: A lot of your songs have to do with love and heartbreak. Tell me a little bit about the songwriting process. noelle: on the new record we’ll all just get together and kind of jam out. the guys will send a track and michael and i will build from them; i’ll create the lyrics and sometimes i’ll do the melody, or we’ll go back and forth. it’s just a melting pot of ideas that happen. i’ll write some stuff at my house and send it to michael, he’ll vibe off of it and decide if he likes it or not, and vice versa. it’s a very collaborative effort. with Picking up the Pieces, because of the situation of michael coming out of love, the entire story of that record was about breaking up and trying to get through that process. when i came to the table and brought that female dynamic, it became the two sides of the tale instead of just being about the male heartbreak. you get that female side as well which really dominates on stage. [michael and i] have a really cool dynamic. TBS: So how do you like being the only girl in a group of guys? noelle: i’ve been doing this for a long time and i’m used to being the only woman in a lot of bands. in my former band i was the only woman as well, and i was the front woman, so i’ve gotten used to it. you do have those times where you miss having a woman around. thankfully, one of our managers is a woman and she comes on tour with us, so it gives me a nice break from being around all the guys all the time. But these guys are really amazing people, they’re really mature, it’s not like i’m touring with a bunch of teenagers who don’t really understand the business. we’re all good friends, we all respect each other, and, for that, it’s really cool. they’re very sensitive to me being the princess of the group. TBS: You personally have collaborated with a ton of different kinds of artists. Who are some of your favorites? noelle: i really enjoyed working with will.i.am. he’s a really interesting character in the studio in that he just lets you go, he lets you flow, and the minute that he hears something good he’s like, “i want you do that.” he’s always been this really cool person to just jam out with and try to develop ideas and not really think about what’s going to happen. you just try things and have fun with it. i’ve always really enjoyed that about him in the studio, like i could just be playing around with something and he’d be like, “go do that!” TBS: What are some things you always have around when you’re getting ready for a show? noelle: slippery elm, it’s basically a root that comes in capsules that michael and i drink in a tea, especially during cold season. i always, always, always have my watch. i don’t really like having my phone on me constantly, and that’s the reason why i bought the watch, so i know how much time we have before we go on stage. TBS: If you were stuck in an elevator for 24-hours, what one person would you ideally like to be stuck with? noelle: from the music stand point, thom yorke. also, maybe ryan gosling. i wouldn’t mind being locked up in an elevator with him, that’d be cool.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
BAND OF HORSES - MIRAGE ROCK OUT SEPTEMBER 18 indie-rock darlings Band of horses are back with their fourth studio album, Mirage Rock. these sleepy seattle natives have undergone several changes in the past few years, while always keeping their signature style of pseudo-bluegrass tunes mixed in with catchy pop and rock beats. check out their new tracks, "dumpster world" and "Knock Knock."
LIBERAL ARTS - IN THEATERS OUT SEPTEMBER 14 cute, bearded, single, unemployed, and 35, Jesse fisher (Josh radnor, from How I Met Your Mother fame) gets asked to speak at his favorite college professor's retirement party. while back on campus he, naturally, falls for a cute, precocious sophomore zibby (elizabeth olsen) and awkward love ensues. cue the cute emotional cuteness!!! SNOOKI & JWOWW - SEASON FINALE THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 @ 10 P.M. curious to find out how the summer of snooki and Jwoww will end? well if you've looked at any magazine covers or been on the internet at all, you probably know. But what you won't know are all the ridiculous and entertaining intricacies of the two guidettes that only a supremely edited show will give you. and let's all applaud for a season 2, in production now!
the photo hunt
can you find all 10 differences in this lecture hall? email us at puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com with the locations or a picture of your findings and win a prize!
the classtime
TOTALLY TAILGATING ACROSS
4) ESPN’s Saturday morning gig. 8) You can thank them for setting it all up, usually. 9) 50% of the time you don’t make it here. 12) Basically bags. 15) The OG drinking game. 17) The act of making extremely delicious things. 19) Throwing bolas. 20) A bro’s tailgating uniform. 21) A handstand with help.
6) Pairs nicely with chips. 7) Huge, cheap, and everyone centers around it. 10) A real badass brings this RV. 11) The whole reason you do this, supposedly. 13) One shot of beer every 60 seconds.
14) Brought attention (and cameras) to tailgating. 16) A standard starting time, in the A.M. 18) Keeps that beer so kool.
DOWN
1) We can think of a sunny tune about this game. 2) Ladies will don these with their school’s logo. 3) Fat-free, but not booze free. 4) With beans, or without. 5) Burgers, hot dogs, brats,... bacon...
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