The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 3 • 1/23/13 - 1/29/13
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
lou anna k. simon: Miss Greek 2013 Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this The beats are wild and the sorostitutes are wilder as the 2013 Miss Greek Competition kicks off. Many gorgeous girls have spent the past several weeks dreaming, ellipticalling, throwing up their lunch, and stomping on the self-esteem of ugly girls in preparation for this day. The lights dim, and the competition is about to begin when a loud crash is heard -- Lou Anna K. Simon trips onto the stage, cursing loudly as she hikes up her 80s era prom dress and stumbles behind the curtain. Backstage, Simon attempts to fix the layers of rouge and mascara she put on especially for the competition. Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, legendary coach and beauty expert extraordinaire Tom Izzo arrives. Simon sighs. “Nice of you to show up, Tom. How do I look?” Izzo takes a long swig of whiskey. “Like a damn clown. A bad one. Now why the hell are you doing this again?” Downing a shot of bourbon, Simon groans. “Thanks, Sir Bitchalot. I told you, I have some debts I need to pay. And the winner of Miss Greek gets to contribute to charity or some shit, so I’m going to win that money.” Izzo surveys the woman in the dress, a sight that reminds him of a time in his youth when he stumbled across a large cat that had gotten its torso stuck in a toilet paper roll. Simon notices Izzo’s skeptical expression in between swigs of Jack. “Shut it; the competition isn’t just about this god-awful dress. It’s about having a great personality.” Izzo regards the craggy skin, the caked cosmetics, and the dead black eyes that bring back memories of his days as a shark boxer in the Yukon. “Yeah, you’ve got them there, Simon. Also, what debts could you possibly have? You make almost four hundred grand a year.” Simon narrows her eyes. “Well, things aren’t good with some bad people. Cockfighting debts are a bitch. And you never should’ve let me commission that Batmobile for Eli Broad.” Izzo rolls his eyes. “The man’s almost eighty and you already let him have his spaceship museum, what the hell else could he need? Anyway, you’re on.” Staggering, Simon makes her way to the line of smiling girls and tries to patiently wait for her turn with the microphone. The host welcomes the audience to Miss Greek 2013 with a shout, and the room explodes into an angry hurricane of ear-piercing screams, the likes of which would make Beethoven crawl out of his doggy grave and ask if they could keep it down. Slightly dizzy from the hellish combination of pure noise and hard liquor, Simon realizes that the microphone is being held out to her. Fighting through the confusion and a growing buzz, she manages to grab the mic and slur “I’m Lou Anna from Delta Tau Chi, representing the Aid for Fiscally Challenged Trustees Foundation!”
Bar Star’s Manifesto Every man’s gots to have a code...
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Crickets. The host looks confused, “That’s great, but I asked how you’re feeling tonight.” Simon looks around sheepishly. “Oh, I’m tired… a little bloated, I guess.” Simon returns backstage and sits down heavily at her mirror as Izzo walks up behind her. “You’ve informed everyone you’re completely plastered by only saying your name. Ke$ha would be proud.” Simon snatches Izzo’s glass and downs it. “I can’t compete with those sorostitute bimbos, even if I can drink them under the table.” Izzo groans. “Come on, kid, you need to sink it in the last quarter, you need to drive at center, fake left, hound the defense, and when they’re watching your left, shoot with your right!” Simon stares
what'’s inside
at him blankly. Izzo closes his eyes in frustration. “Just... try your best. And put these on. This is war.” A short while later, Simon emerges, crammed into a football helmet and shoulder pads. Too drunk to ask why, Simon takes the microphone and recites the most inspiring and heartfelt speech to ever grace sorority ears. Unfortunately, it comes out as a slurred mess of shouts and fist pumps ending with a bloodcurdling scream. Simons wraps up the drunken monologue by passing out cold, hitting the floor like a ton of drunken bricks. The judges are so moved by this heartfelt, yet volatile mix of angst, anger, and desperate alcoholism that they award Lou Anna Simon the title of Miss Greek 2013.
KimYe: the Second Coming of Christ
Tribute to boobs
he or she will be born in a solid gold hospital room; none of this manger nonsense up in here.
Finally, a tribute that’s to something we care about instead of more about dead authors or dead actors.
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