The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 3 • 1/23/13 - 1/29/13
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lou anna k. simon: Miss Greek 2013 Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this The beats are wild and the sorostitutes are wilder as the 2013 Miss Greek Competition kicks off. Many gorgeous girls have spent the past several weeks dreaming, ellipticalling, throwing up their lunch, and stomping on the self-esteem of ugly girls in preparation for this day. The lights dim, and the competition is about to begin when a loud crash is heard -- Lou Anna K. Simon trips onto the stage, cursing loudly as she hikes up her 80s era prom dress and stumbles behind the curtain. Backstage, Simon attempts to fix the layers of rouge and mascara she put on especially for the competition. Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, legendary coach and beauty expert extraordinaire Tom Izzo arrives. Simon sighs. “Nice of you to show up, Tom. How do I look?” Izzo takes a long swig of whiskey. “Like a damn clown. A bad one. Now why the hell are you doing this again?” Downing a shot of bourbon, Simon groans. “Thanks, Sir Bitchalot. I told you, I have some debts I need to pay. And the winner of Miss Greek gets to contribute to charity or some shit, so I’m going to win that money.” Izzo surveys the woman in the dress, a sight that reminds him of a time in his youth when he stumbled across a large cat that had gotten its torso stuck in a toilet paper roll. Simon notices Izzo’s skeptical expression in between swigs of Jack. “Shut it; the competition isn’t just about this god-awful dress. It’s about having a great personality.” Izzo regards the craggy skin, the caked cosmetics, and the dead black eyes that bring back memories of his days as a shark boxer in the Yukon. “Yeah, you’ve got them there, Simon. Also, what debts could you possibly have? You make almost four hundred grand a year.” Simon narrows her eyes. “Well, things aren’t good with some bad people. Cockfighting debts are a bitch. And you never should’ve let me commission that Batmobile for Eli Broad.” Izzo rolls his eyes. “The man’s almost eighty and you already let him have his spaceship museum, what the hell else could he need? Anyway, you’re on.” Staggering, Simon makes her way to the line of smiling girls and tries to patiently wait for her turn with the microphone. The host welcomes the audience to Miss Greek 2013 with a shout, and the room explodes into an angry hurricane of ear-piercing screams, the likes of which would make Beethoven crawl out of his doggy grave and ask if they could keep it down. Slightly dizzy from the hellish combination of pure noise and hard liquor, Simon realizes that the microphone is being held out to her. Fighting through the confusion and a growing buzz, she manages to grab the mic and slur “I’m Lou Anna from Delta Tau Chi, representing the Aid for Fiscally Challenged Trustees Foundation!”
Bar Star’s Manifesto Every man’s gots to have a code...
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Crickets. The host looks confused, “That’s great, but I asked how you’re feeling tonight.” Simon looks around sheepishly. “Oh, I’m tired… a little bloated, I guess.” Simon returns backstage and sits down heavily at her mirror as Izzo walks up behind her. “You’ve informed everyone you’re completely plastered by only saying your name. Ke$ha would be proud.” Simon snatches Izzo’s glass and downs it. “I can’t compete with those sorostitute bimbos, even if I can drink them under the table.” Izzo groans. “Come on, kid, you need to sink it in the last quarter, you need to drive at center, fake left, hound the defense, and when they’re watching your left, shoot with your right!” Simon stares
what'’s inside
at him blankly. Izzo closes his eyes in frustration. “Just... try your best. And put these on. This is war.” A short while later, Simon emerges, crammed into a football helmet and shoulder pads. Too drunk to ask why, Simon takes the microphone and recites the most inspiring and heartfelt speech to ever grace sorority ears. Unfortunately, it comes out as a slurred mess of shouts and fist pumps ending with a bloodcurdling scream. Simons wraps up the drunken monologue by passing out cold, hitting the floor like a ton of drunken bricks. The judges are so moved by this heartfelt, yet volatile mix of angst, anger, and desperate alcoholism that they award Lou Anna Simon the title of Miss Greek 2013.
KimYe: the Second Coming of Christ
Tribute to boobs
he or she will be born in a solid gold hospital room; none of this manger nonsense up in here.
Finally, a tribute that’s to something we care about instead of more about dead authors or dead actors.
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Highrant:
A person who is like, really stingy with letting someone borrow a bowl, man. “Pat, don’t be such a highrant, I just need to smoke a little so I can catch some z’s tonight, dude.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Justin Gawel
photographers Bailey Paskiewicz, Leslie Spector
Advertising ManagerS Victoria Bujny, Andrew Meggert Zach Martin, Michael Zalewsky
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Jessica Lee, Thomas Stewart
owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608-712-0900
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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The Bar Star’s Manifesto Thomas Stewart wrote this So you wanna be a Bar Star? Well grab your snapback and hold the hell onto it because you’re about to get a crash course in being a Boss-Hog-Alpha-Male-Snatch-Wrangler. Follow this guide and you’ll be King of the Landshark in no time. That’s right, welcome to the big leagues, bro. First, make sure you’re looking like a boss. Does your Affliction t-shirt have at least eight skulls floating around some SICK barbed wire iron crucifix on it? Check. Do your $300 blue jeans inexplicably have fleur-de-lis on the butt pockets? Chickety-check. White Pumas for the gentleman who refuses to compromise, and demands a shoe that screams both style and androgyny? Check and mate! Now, have you used an entire bottle of gel to make your hair into a unicorn horn? Oh, you better believe that’s a check! Now that you look like a million bucks, it’s time to spend that much at the bar. A true Bar Star drinks nothing but top shelf liquor. No way would a baaawse like Ricky Rozay lead you wrong. Plus, if there’s any honeys around it’s important to really shout the top shelf part because, you know, chicks love that ca-lassy shit. This next one goes without saying: order shots. You secretly think alcohol tastes icky, and shots get it down the hatch pronto, Tonto. Take that shot and let everyone know you’re counting down the days until Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is back by making a face so uncomfortable it’s like a shirtless Steve Buscemi just hugged you from behind. But don’t chase it, only weak women chase things. Then, slam that glass down and roar like you’re Mufasa on Pride Rock, you big beautiful lion. Roaring is key. It intimidates the lesser men (i.e. everyone) and lets the broads know you mean business, loud and over-compensating
business. For good measure, scream out something cool that will make everyone like and respect you, like “Turnt up!” (in a 2 Chainz voice, naturally). At this point someone might throw a bottle at your head saying, “It’s one in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Shut up, spazz.” Don’t let it stop you; brush off the haters and shine on like the bedazzles on your shirt, you crazy little diamond; they’re just threatened by your steez. Speaking of steez, having the right attitude is important if you want to be the big dog. Having a conversation isn’t cool -- a bunch of blow and wearing Oakleys indoors is cool. Cut out that lame getting to know people stuff and stick to leaning against the bar shouting out random onomatopoeias, “Boom blakow!” is a personal favorite. Now, if some jabroni eyeballs you the wrong way, or you run out of onomatopoeias, simply start a fight. If there’s one thing that establishes Bar Stardom and gets ladies falling all over you it’s getting your Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on over some real petty stuff. It’ll show the bitties you’re even more spontaneous, dangerous, and exciting than your barbed wire tat already leads on. This should also go without saying, but when you’re looking for some mouth-breather cruising for a bruising make sure he is much smaller than you and cannot defend himself. If this joker’s big and scary, then avoid actually fighting and just shout, “Hold me back!” a lot to your party posse. Then after the chump walks away you can all safely call him a pussy. Yeah, you know the drill. “But why’s a boozing, babe-slaying pirate king like yourself sharing all your secrets?” you’re surely asking yourself in a less
masculine voice than mine. Well, maybe I’m getting sentimental about my legacy in my ninth year of college, maybe my liver has finally quit on me, or maybe I’m just not allowed in the majority of East Lansing bars anymore. They say they'll take me out back and beat me with a tube sock full of pennies, but I can fend off like, eight of those bitches. My reasons aren’t important. What is important is that you go be the Bar Star this city needs. Wherever a butt is creepily pinched, you’ll be there. Wherever someone takes a bump off a filthy toilet seat in a bar, you’ll be there. Wherever someone is throwing up inside a bar but denies it immediately after and keeps violently dancing, you’ll be there. Godspeed, dawg.
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winter falls
Winter in East Lansing is about as forgiving as that ex-boo you posted naked pictures of on the Interweb. There’s not a lot to look forward to this time of the year (besides having the excuse to drink more), but there is one sweet seasonal irony to winter: falls. Here’s a top ten breakdown of the best you’re destined to suffer and/or witness. 10.) Bicyclist Blunder: It’s eight degrees, the wind howls, and your balls have officially burrowed into your stomach, yet, Lance Armstrong over here is still trying to beat his record time to ISS 320. Wish him luck as he attempts to fish his bike out of the Red Cedar a half mile later after speeding rubber met its worst enemy -- black ice (and yes, we are reserving the rights to that comic book). Live strong, bud! 9.) Longboarder Face-Plant: Braver, and, most importantly, dumber than his bicyclist counterpart -– this bro still feels like carving his way to Bessey Hall -– that’s chill, but what’s even chiller, is having to tweeze grains of salt and embarrassment out of your face. Time to put the longboard away, brah. 8.) On Your Ass On The Way To Class: “Did you see that dipshit crash his bike into the Red Cedar? Or that other one get wrecked on his longboard? Idiots, should’ve tried walking like – SHI -- (weezing) Aw, shit and crackers, did I just crush my MacBook Pro?”
KimYe:
The Second Coming of Christ Meg Enter wrote this
In this golden age of Twitterland, duckface selfies, and celebrity sex tapes a great prophet named TMZ has brought us a message: the less-than-virgin Mary, Kim Kardashian, is bearing the fruit of the tender loins of our God here on Earth, Kanye West. Now, just like Jesus Escobar Christ, a threesome of wise-ish men bearing exotic gifts of twelve-hundred thread count crib sheets, onesies made from endangered rhinos, and diapers crafted from surviving parts of the original Magna Carta will surround Kim’s famous cooter to greet the child that is soon to be likely named something like “Gucci ChristFlow Mercedes #KimYe North By North West.” With the Second Coming coming soon, Judgment Day appears to be nigh. It’s important to examine the prophetic ways in which Kim-Ye will follow in the footsteps of the Christian tradition so that our non-believing, fornicating, and alcoholic souls might be saved from eternal damnation. We can’t altogether rule out the Shyamalan-twist of Kim’s fetus actually being the offspring of Kris Humphries and coming out looking like a mentally challenged sea monkey. However, let’s Edward Norton it and keep the faith that this is the Second Coming we’ve been waiting the last two thousand years for. We will put our trust in the higher power of hard-hitting celebrity news and believe that KimYe will restore faith in our hearts and souls through miracles of fashion, music, and fame, and have the world once more witness water being turned into Kardashian money and Kanye again assuming the position as God Almighty. Much like Jesus surrounding himself with prostitutes so that they might repent and face salvation, the divine powers have recognized the tragic lot that is the Kardashian Klan. By emerging from Kim’s treacherous vaginal cavity, KimYe will redeem her porn star mother’s soul to the ranks of sainthood, while spreading the good word and saving the souls of the Kollagen and Khlamydia-riddled Kris, Kourtney, and Khloe. The prophecies tell us KimYe will follow in her father’s tradition of dropping beats on the regular that warn against gold diggin’ hoes, heartless harlots, and political leaders that don’t care about black people. These lessons will draw comparisons to the parables of Jesus and will result in a new ideology based on KimYe’s teaching, gossip, and tweets. As KimYe’s following becomes larger in number, mass hysteria will ensue and, like the Jews had it out for Jesus, the Christians will rise up and revolt against one of their own. Akin to Pontius Pilate, the Pope will condemn the combo-breaking black female that is the Second Coming. Unlike Pontius Pilate, the Pope will broadcast his message over his strictly-dick-joke-free Twitter account. Just as Mary gathered to watch with the other Jewish mothers, the prophecy speculates the day will come when Kim will gather with fellow celebutante mothers, Snooki and the cast of 16 and Preggers, as people in moral places shun her post-Humphries immaculate concoction. In stunned silence, the world will watch as KimYe takes one for Team Earth and steps out of the spotlight and into the afterlife at the behest of religious world leaders everywhere. However, three days later KimYe will return, floating like a ghost to resurrect her rap/acting/producing/reality career at the Kardashian mansion - which will then be overrun by prostitutes, washed-up magicians, and dog fight promoters. With the inability for the Second Coming to end any worse than the first, the world evaporates in the glow of Kardashian Kollection: True Reflection, Eau de Toilette. From there KimYe proclaims, “Fuck it, I buy my way to heaven anyway.”
7.) Bar Star Slalom: Sorry, singing “Rick’s on Rick’s on Rick’s” stopped being cute after the first thousand times you did it. You know what’s even less cute? Being the dirty sloot sliding down the steps of Harper’s—luckily there’s plenty of ice around to aid the impending bruises. 6.) CATA Collapse: When riding the bus, you can expect cramped spaces, odd smells, and some dude who slowly rubs his inner thigh as he makes eye contact with you. Some may find this uncomfortable, but watching someone destroy their $300 headphones as they slip out the bus doors can really lighten the mood. 5.) Professor Tumble: Will laughing hysterically at a seventy-seven-year-old man as he cascades through the entrance of Wonders earn you a place in Wells Hell? Survey says… definitely. 4.) First Time Skier Terror: Inviting Greg on your trip to Boyne seemed like a good idea originally, but now, as you spend the rest of your getaway weekend in an ER lobby with Greg eating through a straw, you begin to reconsider your decision. 3.) Grocery Store Stumble: Sure, the only “meal” you can create is chips and salsa, yet you’ve still found a way to blow hundreds of dollars there on booze. Once you hit that patch of ice out the door and shatter your fifths, plural, of Burnett’s, well, start slurpin’ before calling the D.D. 2.) Ice Skating Slide: See that girl across the rink on her ass and yelling at her date? She wanted to show off her more romantic side, but, unfortunately, her boy only cares about laughing at her expense. It’s probably safe to assume she won’t be “doing that thing with her feet” anymore for him. (Ed. Note: Talking about a foot job here – you know, rubbing a man’s unit with your cold, calloused feet. It’s really quite enjoyable.) 1.) Underage Folly: “Get your shit together,” is the last thing you remember whispering to your crew as you tried to tighten up while passing through the headlight beams of an ELPD squad car. Now, on your back and facing the night sky, you feel cold whiskey running down your chest and the proverbial stamp of “DIPSHIT” pasted to your forehead—hopefully the officer believes the “it’s Coca-Cola” story.
andrew rickerman wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What do you dip your chicken nuggets in? “Frosties!” - Sam L., Senior
“I don’t eat chicken nuggets, but, hypothetically, rum.” - Will G., Grad Student
“Sweet Baby Ray’s, if it’s on hand.” - Vittorio V., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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(12)7 Hours: Between a Shot and a Hard Place hannah borland wrote this My balls, frozen solid from the arctic winter winds of East Lansing, rattle and clunk into each other like dice in a Yahtzee cup. On the coldest and most unforgiving night of the year, I had to venture out to fulfill my place in young adulthood’s most important ritual: standing in line to get into Rick’s on a Saturday night. These moments are the last I remember before waking up to find myself in a story of human survival, as well as in a puddle of unknown origin and liquid. “We’re higher than a mother-what the fuck?” It had seemed to be only moments ago that I was getting my Minaj on with my buddies and those girls who wear mini-dresses in frostbite danger weather—now where was I? The sounds of Rick’s—usually thunderous with the squeals of frat boys and the booming of music made to facilitate boners meeting buttholes—were gone. Where were the sobbing girls, the backwards-capped men? The sickening sound my face made as it peeled away from the damp floor of my favorite pseudo-bar nearly made me chuck up the tequila shots I’d done earlier, or was it the tequila shots themselves making me ill? This whole situation was a mystery. I was on my way to shakily standing when I discovered why I was on the floor in the first place. My hand was stuck to a shot glass. The shot glass was stuck to the floor. The floor, the shot glass, and my hand had come together in a ménage of the dirtiest, stickiest kind, effectively holding me to the floor like a rejected scene from a low-budget Fifty Shades of Grey porno. And, oh, middle-aged moms, did I have to piss. “Let-go-of-this-fucking-shot-glass!” I screamed as I used every muscle in my body to try to rip my hand away from the glass, and instead succeeded only in ripping a fart so loud it caused a wave in the puddle I was prostrate in. I had just barely managed to control my bladder with that last effort, and I knew next time I would be letting go of something worse. So I considered my options while focusing every fiber in my body on not peeing my pants. It was as though the weight of Honey Boo Boo’s entire family was pressing on my bladder, and yet I refused to whip it out right there and take care of business. This was Rick’s; STDs floated through the air here just as often as colds, food poisoning, and the drunken laughter of people having a great time. Alas, how to free my hand? If only I could maneuver myself somehow in a screw like motion—no, that didn’t work. I did discover that the shot glass was full of some kind of clear, likely delicious liquid. Perhaps I could rock the glass and spill its contents on my hand, thus rehydrating the hardened goo
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currently binding me there? But the glass wouldn’t budge. How many ways are there to free yourself from in between a shot and a hard place? There’s only one. I resigned myself to accomplish this task. Yes. I was going to have to do the unthinkable. Yes. I was likely going to lose the hand forever. But I would rather give up my hand than my life. So, next time you see a moderately sexy, extremely drunk person at Rick’s with their right hand in their pocket and looking ashamed, remember: sometimes the only way to survive is to free your hand from the thing it is stuck to. And sometimes, the only way to loosen the adhesive sticking you there is to get it wet again. And sometimes, the only liquid “on hand” is your own, tequila-laced urine. I may have lost use of the hand due to slight discoloration and a strong smell, but, Spartans, I have my life. And I have Rick’s, a place so awesome you might just pee on your own hand there.
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1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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SATURDAY: Martini Night 6-close Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close
Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Specials Run 7 Days A Week Open-Close! Go Green!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 1/23
Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 1/24
Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 1/25
Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close
Come try our Green Meanie!
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 1/26
Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 1/27
Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 1/28
NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 1/29
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 1/30
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
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The Bar Grid
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
A Tribute to Boobs Zoe Kremke wrote this
To the Boobs: We thank you for all the bountiful and exceptional moments you have given us since the Dawn of Tits. Your power has been unfailing, and we at The Black Sheep are taking this hot second to honor your sweet, supple goodness that has time and time again come through for us. So, boobies, this one goes out to you. Thank you, ba-zongas, for getting us ladies into all of those parties. We knew that you would have our backs (and fronts) the moment we pulled on the push-up bra, and you did not disappoint. You shine like two headlights that hid the fact that we’re driving a slightly worse-for-wear Honda, and for that, you sweet sweater puppets, we are eternally grateful. Furthermore, thank you so much for the free alcohol you have provided for us, which we do occasionally share with the flat-chestedsurfboard types or moob-riddled male counterparts when we feel like we've already drunk off of booze and attention. Normally we don’t usually feel like sharing, but it’s nice of you to allow us the option if we so choose. We thank you, breasteses, for the sweet dance moves you have provided to even those of us with two left feet. Many thanks for the glorious one-night-stands you got us into, and the relationships you totally helped to kick-start simply by giving us a little DD-cup of courage. The countless men you have lured to us. Like moths to the light, men are drawn to voluptuous tommy-knockers for us to reject or consider, for us to exploit for free booze or not, and for us to watch drool over us and you especially. On that note, we’d like to hand it to our bosoms for every argument they have helped us win, in and out of relationships. Yes, our logic was flawed; yes, we were being irrational; but yes, we still won that fight thanks to you, fun bags. Seriously, the shit you have gotten us out of seemed impossible, and we owe you big time. Props to you, Queens of Rack City, for the nations you’ve conquered. We all know damn well that Queen Elizabeth I couldn’t have trapped all those men in badass land treaties had you not been around to back her up, and that was really, well, tits of you. We are fully aware that Martha Washington was getting shit done on the sidelines to help Dear Old George by wielding around
those American Milk Jugs. So, go boobs! You have quite literally assisted in changing the course of history. Here’s to how good you helped us look in every single one of those strapless dresses last summer, and thanks for perking up when the dress fell down. We got that guy’s number out of the situation and made a lot of those itty-bitty-titty bitches jealous, so there was a silver lining. Nice recovery on that one, Jell-O twins, we knew you’d fix the situation; and, holy hooters, did you ever. Oh, and thank you for helping us feed our young. That’s important too, supposedly. Thanks for making puberty a little bit less crappy, and for holding your shape relatively well with age (that’s more of a hint for the future-tittays, be advised to come through on that one). So, dearest tits, we thank you for all you have done for us (and others), and all that you shall continue to do. We couldn’t be more proud of you, and honestly, we’re just honored to bask in the glow of your sweet, supple glory.
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bartender of the week james woody's oasis Name: James
DJ or Live Band? Live band
Age: 23
Describe Woody’s with hash tags: #bestserversintown
Major: Economics Relationship status: Single Nickname: Calamity James Bar pet peeve: Expecting not to get ID’d Favorite shot: White gummy bear Personal theme song: “You Make My Dreams” by Hall & Oates What do you picture your spouse’s profession to be? Stay-at-home mom
Jailbait or Daddy’s Girl: ...Daddy’s girl Who’s your typical customer? Beautiful people Hangover cure: Jameson Best pick up line? “I hope you got a big trunk, because I’m going to put my bike in it.” If you could only have one liquid for the rest of your life, what would it be? Water: it’s the source of life!
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Tits and beer! Can you think of a better combination? This game will now give you an excuse to check out some boobs without having to worry about looking like a creep, all while getting drunk. Sounds like a win-win to us.
You might hear a lot of talk about chips being drunk food, but that does not have to be the case. With a little ingenuity and elbow-grease, chips can be utilized to create a cheap and delicious main course for any drunken occasion.
tits
What You’ll Need: 13 cups, beer pong table, 2 ping pong balls Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: Depends on the size of your tits, and how well you can use them. How to Play: - Divide the players up into two teams of two players. - Each team sets up on either with players on opposite corners of the table. For example, Team A would have one player on the right near corner of the table, and one player on the far left corner of the table. - In front of each player is a three-cup pyramid. Place a cup filled with beer in the center of the table. - In order to sink a cup, a team member must bounce the ball once on the table, bounce off the tits or chest of the other teammate, and fall in one of the three cups. - When this happens the opponent on the same side must drink the sunk cup and “flip cup” it before s/he may shoot again. - When a team no longer has any of their opponents’ cups in front of them, they may shoot for the middle cup. - A team can only win when they double bounce the ping pong ball into the middle cup. - The losing team then has to drink the final cup. Next time you’re with some girls or guys and you want an excuse to check out or be checked out, this game is a winner! Just make sure to compliment the girl on her skills; girls love the compliment.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Chip Explosion
What You’ll Need: Chips of many kind, cheese, sour cream, beef, and anything else you would like to add. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you include Cool Ranch Doritos or not. Directions: - Begin by cooking up some beef on the stove. You can use any meat you want, but we’ll go with beef. “B” is for beginners. - While the beef is cooking, take all of your different kinds of chips and place them into a bowl. - Sprinkle cheese onto the chips and place it in the microwave for 2 minutes. - After ensuring that the cheese is melted, pour the beef into the bowl and add sour cream. - Add any other food you want into your very own chip casserole. The secret to making this dish extra good is to buy as many different kinds of chips as possible. With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day just behind us, remember that diversity is the key!
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
passing the bar If you're too cool for Keystone or stopped bonging Busch Lights months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank beer labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.
we interview:
bear in heaven
Brooklyn-based band Bear in Heaven has a sound that you can't quite put your finger on. A bit of rock and a bit of electronic noise with a psychedelic undertone gives these guys a totally unique sound. Their music might not be so easily definable, but when we got to chat with head honcho Jon Philpot, it was clear that cool dudes make cool music. We go to chat with Philpot about a whole range of things, from the meaning of the band name to ridin' jet skis. You know it's a good chat when jet skiing comes up. The Black Sheep: How'd you get started playing music? Jon Philpot: I went to college and bought a guitar and basically it just went from there, I just kept playing music. I didn't know what I was doing, and then I started making noise music and trance, and then went into more normal music. I played piano when I was a little kid but I hated it. I hate piano lessons, like having to learn something. Kids were outside playing and you were inside trying to play this stupid song that you didn't like. TBS: You never get to play cool songs during piano lessons. JP: Yeah! I wanted to learn, like, Prince songs, or something like that. TBS: Where'd you grow up? JP: I grew up in Marietta, Georgia. It was good, it was peaceful. There were trees and creeks and dirt bike jumps and that kind of shit. But living there, you hit a wall, and you want to be a punk-rock kid and you just look like an idiot because you're out in the sticks. TBS: Did growing up Georgia have any influence on the music you play now? JP: Oh, definitely. There was a lot of strange, one-thing-leads-to-another kind of situations. I had an internship with this record label called Table of Elements, this minimal, experimental label. They specialized in early minimalism, just some freaking-ass art. For some unknown reason to me, they moved their offices to Georgia. I thought it'd be a good idea to intern at this record label, and I learned a great deal about not just art music, but art itself, from these folks, and that kind of set my sail in that direction. It was eye opening, and I think if I lived somewhere else where there was a multitude of options instead of just this one, weird group of people, then I would've done something else. TBS: Is there an explanation behind the name Bear in Heaven? JP: There's a constellation with a bear in it, and there's also the philosophy that everything that you do and everything you take here on Earth is what you'll bear in heaven. TBS: Could you compare Bear in Heaven to any other bands? JP: Comparing is a hard one. I'm not even going to toot my own horn, and to say that we're "unique" is out of naivety. We approach music in sort of a non-standard way. Our music starts in many different ways, but the one thing we've always done is made sure that we're not doing anything that sounds like something that's happening, we try to stay away from that. We steer clear of the pop music form, but we're sort of opening our doors up to all different forms. TBS: Is there a story behind your latest album title, I Love You, It's Cool? It seems kind of sad, or something. JP: It's a little loaded, that one. It embodies a lot of emotions that were happening with us at that time. It was oddly given to us by one of our ex-bandmates, he wrote these notes and he wrote one to me, and hid it underneath some of my gear. It said "Dear Jon, I love you, it's cool." The reality of it that there's this kind of double meaning, you can sense the lament but also the actual positivity that I think all of us were feeling at that time. It's nice, it's a nice sentiment. TBS: If you weren't making music for a living, what do you think you'd be doing? JP: Editing television and film, that's what I do now when I'm not making music, so I'd just be doing a lot more of that. If I wasn't doing that, I'd probably be chillin', maybe boating? Maybe some jet skis? I'd be doing that. TBS: Would you rather: Michelle Obama or Sarah Palin? TBS: Michelle Obama. Well, depends what the spin on it is. If it was go hunting, I'd say Sarah Palin. If it was to have a party, I'd invite Michelle Obama. TBS: Who would you rather go jet skiing with? JP: Can I pick both of them? Sandwiched in-between them? That'd be amazing. TBS: What's your spirit animal? JP: I'd say a dog. An American mutt, you know? A cross between a beagle and a golden retriever, like a fast frisbee dog. TBS: What your drink of choice? JP: Mescal.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
winter x games January 24th - 27th on ESPN
The winter X Games are upon us once again, starting Thursday afternoon and lasting through Sunday night. Indulge in insane winter sports like men's and women's superpipe or big air. If you have the luxury of a 3D TV, prepare to have your mind blown watching athletes flip around in your face.
movie 43 out January 25th
A series of 12 short films follow three kids as they scour the wild wild west that is the internet to find the most banned, offensive movie in the world. This film stars one of the biggest ensemble casts ever, from Kate Winslet to Richard Gere and every level of celebrity in between. Let's hope the plot doesn't rely too heavily on that.
local natives - hummingbird out January 27th
It's about damn time the geniuses in Local Natives released another studio album, their second, Hummingbird. After coming off an impressive debut album from early 2010, these guys don't seem to stray much from their heartfelt sound of folk-rock in their latest album. Check out their singles "Heavy Feet" and "Breakers."
can you
spot the difference?
Well, geesh, can you? Send us the seven differences you found to differences@ theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.
the crossword: Games Across 3) Can you really kill someone with a candlestick? 4) You get five of a kind and you yell this. 7) Normally played on a board that comes in a
faux-suitcase. 8) A jumbo-sized one can be found in bars. 11) A letter gets picked, then you go to town. 13) Learn how to be a greedy businessman. 14) A card game sometimes known as the legal drinking age. 17) Do they wear glasses? 18) If you’re good at lying, you’re great at this. 19) Classic computer card game, played solo. 20) If you suck at drawing you probably hate this game. Down 1) You’re a dick if you play a 3-letter word.
2) Try to get three of a kind, or three in a row. 5) “Hey, what’s trump again?” 6) It’s a game where you describe things without saying what it is! Everyone gets super loud! 9) Way more exciting than real fishing. 10) A type of poker game from this state, y’all. 12) Uses a particular set of cards, all colorful and stuff. 14) Also a terrible movie featuring Rihanna. 15) King me! 16) The ultimate strategy game (for nerds). 18) Every grandma plays this card game.
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Best Man: - Chris Brown - Christopher Columbus - Chris Christie - Chris Carrabba
Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Rev Run - Lady Gaga - Kevin Smith - Fran Drescher
Regrettable Matching Tattoo: - Lower back unicorn - Spiral staircase around thigh - Cheeseburger on back of neck - Mariah Carey’s face on wrist
MAID OF HONOR: - Kirstie Alley - Kristen Wiig - Kristen Stewart - Kristin Cavallari
First Dance Song: - “A Milli” by Lil Wayne - “Sex, Love & Money” by Mos Def - “Bitches” by Odd Future - “Paranoid Android” by Radiohead
Got Engaged At: - Taco Bell drive-thru - QD - PT's - A Tailgate
Honeymoon Hot Spot: - Boca Raton timeshare - Basement of Grandma’s house - Gatlinburg, Tennessee - Grand Canyon motel
career path: - Porn-star turn yoga instructor - Bartender turn florist - Organic cauliflower farmer turn prisoner of war - Writer turn welfare collector
How to play
Greatest Life Accomplishment: - Meeting Honey Boo Boo - Bench-pressing 150lbs - Growing the world’s largest pumpkin - Never getting arrested
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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