Michigan State - Issue 3 - 9/5/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

fr e co e...l nd ike om yo s. A ur nd roo m to ot mat hb ru e’s sh .

Vol. 9, Issue 3

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/4/13 - 9/11/13

The Consummate Guide

to a Consummating One Night Stand BY: Tom White As any true Spartan will tell you, some of the most important knowledge you’ll pick up over the course of your wild and tantalizing years here at Michigan State will happen outside of the classroom. We’re talking about some deep personal growth and shit here, people. You know, falling in love for the first time, tripping balls with that white dude who has dreads and goes by the name “Rasta Leonard,” and trying to tickle the little person working at Gumby’s—sorry, “Goomba’s.”The final exam for your out of class curriculum, however, lays in the one night stand. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep is here to guide you through it. Grab your rain coats and buckle in, it’s about to be a rough and messy ride. So there you are on some dimly lit dance floor slowly realizing the powder Rasta Leonard sold you is mostly just sawdust and James Gandolfini’s ashes, when some beautiful stranger starts giving you the eye from across the room. One thing leads to another, and 15 shameful minutes of grinding and finger blasting to a Tiesto Pandora station along with a smooth, “Wanna go get a limp the fun way?” later, you’re leaving the party with a new friend. Here is the first critical moment, deciding where to do the deed. The three classic options are, their place, your place, or everyone’s place: In public. Now, for all you deviant sex fiends that just started creepily grinning and rubbing your sticky hands together because you’re used to screwing all over alleyways and parks, you don’t need this guide, you need a moment of self-reflection and a stern talk with a the Wells Hall Preacher. The ideal situation is your partner’s home because it leaves you in ownership of the most vital commodity in any one night stand, flight. Your partner turns out to be sporting a different set of genitals you were expecting? Fly, fly! Your partner starts drunkenly sobbing about how much you smell like their ex? Fly, fly! Your partner wants to let Rasta Leonard get in on the action? Well, that one actually just depends on how you feel about smelling like patchouli oil for a week. The point is, there are few times when you’re more vulnerable than being butt naked with a stranger, so you need to be able to bolt. Once the actual clam cram begins, feel free to get a little adventurous. Ask your partner if they’re up, or down, for all the things your repressed little Catholic school mind has wanted to try ever since you

“accidently” watched that Fred Durst sex tape. There’s nothing like a little relatively anonymous boning to bring out the freak within. In the event you don’t pull the ol’ Paul Revere and do a flight-bynight after the carnal carnival is through, you will find yourself hungover waking up in an unknown bedroom, next to an unknown person(s), and if you’ve been doing it right, soreness in your body for unknown reasons—fun! Now that you’re sober, take a good honest look at your partner and decide if they’re as hot as you remember, or

page 4

page 5

An Introvert’s Night Out

A State Student’s Letter from 1913

A night out from someone who spends a sad amount of nights in.

if Canada House bamboozled you into sexing up a swamp monster again. In the event you bagged a good one, congratulations! Hit that again like it’s the asthma kid’s inhaler, and it’s dodgeball day in gym class. If not, shit the bed for a distraction while you run away and cut your losses. Nobody likes a lingerer, so collect your clothing, exchange names if you’ve seen The Notebook recently and are feeling all sentimental, and get going on that walk of pride back home, you’ve earned it.

A Spartan of the distant past recounts a night of debauchery.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

page 7

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An Introvert’s Night out By: The Black Sheep Staff

It’s a Friday night. Your American-sweetheart freshman roommate, Katie, invites you out with her less-thanintelligent horde of slutty friends. You can sense the pity in her voice, but you also appreciate her attempt to be an inclusive Spartan. After all, that’s what the university really wants. I really just want to see what the girls down the hall are up to tonight, maybe play a little RISK, and then hit the calculus books, you think to yourself as Katie puts on her “skirt,” which you are 99.9% sure is really just a tube top that doesn’t fit over her jumbo melons that are maybe popular now, but will sag down to her belly button and cause some serious back problems later in life. Honestly, it’s just a simple physics calculation.

system. You’re uncomfortable and silent, feeling violated and wanting to comfort yourself by slipping into a nice, animal-themed onesie. You were finally getting into a groove in college, finding a new circle of friends whose idea of fun is also to stay in, get crazy on an order of Menna’s, and whip out an old gaming console. It’s too late, though, Slut #1 has already got you looking like a high-class prostitute. Within the next hour Sluts #2-6 filter in, and before you know it you’re wearing a pair of stilettos that are two sizes too big as you awkwardly waddle down Grand River. You then enter the perilous frat party and a bro approaches your ho horde. He tells a joke that is truthfully subpar, but you laugh because you don’t want your intelligence to reflect poorly on your “friends.”

You silently nod in agreement. Looks like you’ll be uncomfortably hitting up some frat tonight “You’re uncomfortable and silent, Jokes aside, you’re after Katie buys you a forty. In the meantime, wanting to comfort yourself by slipping able to maintain your composure until this you decide to comfort into a nice, animal themed onesie.” bro starts grinding his the anxiety within by junk on your upper solving a real bitch of an equation, wrecking the curve for everyone. “A back. That’s it! You think as his onion-y beer breath Good Will Hunting kind of situation,” as your friend, clouds your sinuses while he attempts to go in for a who’s also into theoretical physics and 90s Ben Affleck kiss. As you break away from the frat, you decide not movies, describes it. However, your valiant efforts are to tell Katie and the ho train that you’re out. Instead, cut short as distracting slut #1 trots into your room like you run as fast as you can in your huge stilettos for a night of reading Shakespeare for English 318 under a thoroughbred in heat. your blankets, hiding from the world. “Oh, hey girl heyyy!” Slut #1 neighs as she gallops around your tiny dorm, not meant for a girl of her girth You feel a bit of guilt, knowing your attempt to or virility. Katie tells her “bestie,” known to you as Slut break out of your typical pattern of staying in and #1, that you will be going out with them tonight. Slut ordering Menna’s has failed. But fuck it, you ventured #1 then decides to invade your personal space with outside your comfort zone to test the waters of East no permission and help you “get ready” by slathering Lansing debauchery and it was just as drunk, loose, some bright green hooker shadow on your lids and and miserable as you thought. Now treat yourself to helping you apply a strapless, silicon stick-on bra that’s some Goomba’s and a quiet 18-holer in Mario Golf, more like a set of fake tits instead of an actual support you earned it.

A State Student’s Letter

from 1913

The

Top

Ten

Ways to Wake Up For Your 8 a.m. By: Zoë Kremke

Summer is long over, and the harsh reality of early morning is upon us. This hell is something we at The Black Sheep would never wish on any Spartan, but in case you should have to endure this pain, we’ve got your back. Here are ten tips to get your ass out of bed. 10.) Sex: Is there a better way to wake up than by being seduced? We submit there is not. When in doubt, involve your significant other. Set them an alarm so they wake up with plenty of time to violently shake you awake while you’re snoring next to them, and get busy. It’s a sure-fire way to get your butt up in time for class. Warning: Don’t get too into it, or you’ll be late for that 8 a.m. anyway. 9.) Purchase a Rooster: It was the rooster that used to wake up people in the olden days, was it not? Or maybe they still wake up the Amish? Who knows, but investing in a rooster can only be a good decision, no matter which way you look at it. Plus they’re kind of creepy, so you’ll definitely leap from the comfort of your bed at the sight of them on your nightstand. 8.) Whiskey: Keep a few shots lined up next to your lamp for when you wake up in the morning. Nothing gets your blood pumping like a good shot of the cheapest whiskey you can find. Upside to this idea: you’ll be buzzing on your way to Wells. Downside to this idea: it’s often frowned upon to drink at 7:15 a.m.

By: Zach Wyrzykowski My dearest brother Reginald, It is I, your brother Charles. I must confess I that I write this letter through what feels to be a thousand trolls of the Beaumont Tower bashing their fists into my skull. I swear on our mother that should I live through this dreadful headache and delirium, I will never touch another drop of wretched liquor. This previous Saturday, upon arriving at the Michigan Agricultural College, I brought my trunk from the brand new Spartan trolley and arrived at the newly established Williams Hall sharply at 7 p.m. I became acquainted with my room partner, one Clarence Barker. He seemed quite gentlemanly, and we compared the length of our beards for a good hour over sherry and cigars while joking about suffrage for women. He informed me that some hapless Ann Arbor fellows rubbed him the wrong way recently and I predict that our relations with that school will not be mended anytime soon. Dare I say it, we have developed a strong abhorrence towards that school. When the sky darkened, Clarence related to me that he had heard of a small soiree in a house down Farm Lane. We donned our finest vests and hastened to it. Upon arriving, the festivities had begun. A fine tune drifted out of a weathered-looking phonograph, and couples waltzed scandalously. The very sight of such fine young ladies quickened the pulse. Brother, were I F. Scott Fitzgerald, I could not describe the magnificence of these corseted and bonneted broads. A colleague offered me a flask of whiskey, and as I thought it would be rude to refuse, I drank it deeply It was not long before my head began to swim, and I sauntered over to a slender brunette and slyly inquired if she knew the time. However, upon turning her head to respond, it was revealed that her bonnet concealed a face that looked as if it had been thrown from a railcar and buried for several years under a stable. I quickly turned and made my escape, seeking the fellow with the flask. I stumbled over to a throng of men. I discerned that they were partaking in a pipe containing opiates, and though I remember not how, the pipe found

its way to my lips in several instances. If my mind had been swimming before, it now was doing somersaults. I could barely stand, and it was if each muttered word contained all the wit and humor of Twain. I giggled uncontrollably for a while and made quite a fool of myself by tripping and falling onto a porcelain vase of flowers. While several men hauled me to my feet, I caught the eye of a gentlewoman who seemed amused by my predicament. She seemed to float through the crowd as if suspended on angels’ wings. She approached me and offered to bandage my hand. It was only then that I realized I had gashed myself quite badly during my mishap, and she led me to an upstairs chamber. She told me her name was Lou Anna, and I remarked at how lovely it sounded. While gently binding my wound, she sat beside me, her dress riding up to clearly display at least six inches of pale flesh above her ankle. This caused me to become rather aroused, and she must have noticed this for she began to stroke my beard. This of course led to a few minutes of necking, and I vaguely recall struggling to untie her many skirts. From there my memory fades into a blackness I dare not venture. When I awoke the following morning, both Lou Anna and my pocket watch were nowhere to be found. I stood to collect my clothes, but suddenly felt as if I had been hit in the head by a length of lead pipe. I vomited fiercely onto a chair, then attempted to straighten out my bow tie and limp my way home to my room. Brother, I am in a sorry state. I fear that the harlot from last night has stolen my watch, and the pains in my head are unrelenting. I am without a shred of dignity, and I have recently discovered that passing water causes me unimaginable burning pain. I pray our Lord that this last is not also caused by my night with the tramp. Best wishes, Charles Livingstone August 31, 1913

7.) Just Don’t Sleep: A surefire way to be awake for your 8 a.m. is to just not sleep at all. Sleep is for the elderly, so get all fired up on a few Red Bulls and engage in a Netflix marathon until it’s time to brush your teeth and zombie-walk down the river trail to class.

6.) Create an Alarm: No, we’re not talking about your “typical” alarm clock. It’s time to break out the skills you acquired from all those years building Lego castles and slingshots. Oh, you’re an engineering major? Perfect. Make a system of pulleys and levers that will eventually wake you up when a raw egg is dropped on your head. 5.) Mousetraps: Okay so the crazy, self-built alarm system isn’t your gig. We get it, that shit would require some work. So go out to the shady Meijer off of Lake Lansing, say hello to that sweet little old lady who’s literally always the greeter, get a regular alarm clock, and set a mousetrap on the snooze button. We guarantee you won’t be sleeping through that alarm this Monday. 4.) Have a Baby: Although this could backfire in a big way, having a baby with your significant other - or some rando you met at Rick’s - will ensure that not only will you be awake in time for your 8 a.m., but also that you’ll never actually sleep in again. 3.) Bacon: Buy bacon in mass quantities and there will always be motivation to get up and get into the kitchen before you start your day. 2.) Dance Party: Set an alarm on your phone that immediately wakes you up with all of your favorite dance tunes, ending with the MSU Fight Song. You’ll be momentarily confused and think you passed out at a game, but when you come to, you can proceed to dance around in your underwear like Tom Cruise circa Risky Business. 1.) Draft Your Roommate: Get your roommate involved. Specifically, if they were to release a large snake they bought off someone in the MSU Herpetology Club (because that exists), just before you absolutely had to get up, that would be neat.

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would it be? r Kristi, Senio

Something’s getting tapped, am I right?! “Being a bar star.”

ior Stefan, Jun

“A round of golf after plenty of drinking games.”

r Dom, Junio

“NBA2K13. I’m the best in this galaxy.”

: y r al v i h C n a t r a p S

2013 Style

By: en Garrison Rasmuss

Attention sensual Spartans — the times are a changin’ here in East Lansing. Gone are the days of holding doors open for women, selflessly throwing down jackets for a pair of luxurious boobs to cross a treacherous puddle of mud, and gallantly swiping your gal into Brody. Although we no longer have solid, old fashioned examples of chivalry that would make our great grandparents bat an eyelash in our direction, our modernized 2013 examples of chivalry are enough to make the panties drop every day of the week (and twice on Saturdays). First example of chivalry: buy the girl you met in ISS a cup at a kegger. You’ve been here before—it’s the weekend and you’re doing exactly what R. Kelly told you to do. Once she sees you cascade that small bill into the hands of the “keg master” without thinking twice, she’ll know just how serious you are.

“Once she sees you cascade that small bill into the hands of the ‘keg master” without thinking twice, she’ll know just how serious you are.” The second example only applies when the beer pong tables come out to play. Your friend, whom you courteously loaned money to, has decided to challenge the head of the fraternity in a means to outbro him at his own game. Your lady friend promptly stumbles into the table, knocks over all the cups, then has to prop against the wall and hold onto it for dear life as if the floor were scattered with tire spikes. You charge to the table and defend her honor, yet you are sadly beaten 10-1. Subsequently you are now hammered off shots of tequila that even Willie the Can Man wouldn’t drink, but you stood up for your girl, and that is commendable in itself.

After being promptly kicked out of the party (like you even cared), you and your hopeful bride-tobe are now in the process of stumbling down Grand River, all while trying to evade the authorities because you may or may not be on probation. Your girl says she is hungry and being that you cannot summon food due to a tragic selfie-turned-splashie incident, you make that McDonald’s move. Upon arrival (and not holding the door open for your partner because your bladder is soon to explode), she asks for three Miller Lites and a chicken shawarma from Woody’s. While those options would be delicious, you calmly tell her they don’t have those on the menu and once more, whip that wallet out as you altruistically pay for three McChickens, a small fry, and a bag of those chalky Vanilla wafers shaped like Ronald McDonald because you’re feeling generous. After walking this girl home, you fluff her pillow, tuck her in, and shut the door as you walk home. You nailed three different parts of chivalry, and you, fellow Spartan, are well on your way to your next act of chivalry: grinding solely on her next weekend at Rick’s. Well done, sir. The Black Sheep commends you for your model-like actions that all Spartans should follow in the future.

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January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks

TH: Burger Bash Day 1/2 off everything from 3-8 $1 Burgers and Fries $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks

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Sat. 9/7

Satisfaction Saturday! Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats

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Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots

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Sun. 9/8

Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing

$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

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11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 4P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts $1.75 Bud & Bud Light Pints PIZZA BAR SUNDAY NIGHT

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Mon. 9/9

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells

No Cover! $3.00 Burgers til 4 $2.00 Pints 7 til close

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

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Thur. 9/5

Wed. 9/4

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MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines or Appetizers $1.75 Bud & Bud Lt. Pints

Tues. 9/10

½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! FRIDAY: Free Cover! (except: Wed.) Guinness, Thursday Friday $3 Pints of Saturday $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells 31 Harp, Smithwicks 1 and Bass, 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bush$2.50 Washington Apples, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) mills, John Powers, $3 Wells, Half-off Johnny Vegas, Soco Potato Skins, Irish Nachos and 9 7 8 Limes, Kamikazes DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds Chicken Thumbs

Wednesday Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

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Fri. 9/6

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STAR FARM

1/2 Off22 Night DJ Juan Trevino 29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

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DJ Beats

Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt Dublin Square IrishDrafts Pub and Bud Light 327 Abbott Rd Lansing MI Platinums 48823 $3 East Bud Light

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Wed. 9/11

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WED: $1.75 House-Brewed Pints,

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The black sheep interviews:

A moped bro

By: black sheep staff The Black Sheep recently had the chance to cover a very serious issue. An issue you may not have been aware of. It’s Moped Bros. They’ve had it with societal condemnation. A young man should be able to have a totally sweet time on the back of his bro’s sick moped without fear of being judged. But nothing’s being done to quell this aforementioned judgment, and one brave, young man has had enough. He agreed to an interview with The Black Sheep to make aware the plight of the Moped Bros., and we couldn’t be more thrilled. In this interview, he will remain anonymous, of course. But we will say his name rhymes with…Bravis. The Black Sheep: Hey, [redacted]. How’ve you been? Anonymous Moped Bro: I’ve been doing pretty good. Really, just a great week all around. This room smells kinda funny, though.

TBS: Uh-huh. And how does that make you feel? AMB: Huh? TBS: Do you feel subjugated? Patronized by society? You must be so ashamed. AMB: What? TBS: It’s okay. You have nothing to be afraid of. You’re not alone anymore. AMB: Guy, I don’t know what you’re talking about. TBS: Well, I can see that the subject is a bit… personal for you. That’s fine. It’s perfectly normal to be defensive at a time like this. Let’s move on. When did you realize you were a Moped Bro? AMB: I’m still not totally sure what that means.

TBS: That’s great. So, [redacted], let’s get to brass tacks. What exactly is a “Moped Bro” to you? AMB: Excuse me?

TBS: It means the injustice being directed towards you is pungent. We’re not going to stand for that. We’re here to help. AMB: I don’t want your help. I want to get out of here. Get this light out of my face.

TBS: The term “Moped Bro.” Does it resonate with you? AMB: I mean, like, sometimes my friend, [redacted], gives me a ride to school on his moped, if that’s what you mean. He drives; I ride in the back. We do it to save on a bit of gas. What are we doing here?

TBS: Wait, [redacted]! We need you for this. There are so many out there just like you. They need you; someone to stand up for them! If you don’t stop this madness, who will? AMB: Again, I’m still not clear on what the “madness” is.

TBS: Why, the subjugation and objectification of Moped Bros.! Surely that’s why you agreed to this interview. To help put a stop to it. AMB: I thought this was a sleep study. TBS: We’ll get to that later. AMB: I just want to go home. TBS: I think you’ll find that quite difficult with the thrice locked door. AMB: What? TBS: And the room being windowless and all. AMB: Oh, my god. You’re actually insane. TBS: Hey! Don’t you judge me! I bust my ass trying to help you and your kind and this is the thanks I get? The goddamn stink-eye? AMB: Dude, you’re scaring me. TBS: You’re damn right I am. This is Bad Cop. Want me to go back to Good? AMB: Look, guy, I’m sure you’re super chill and all, but…I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding here. TBS: What’s to misunderstand? You’re a bro and also you ride on a moped with your bro. You’re a Moped Bro. AMB: Yeah, but…I guess I didn’t really think about –

TBS: I will flay you! AMB: Jesus, man! TBS: Sorry, went back to Bad way too quickly. AMB: Really, I just want to go home. TBS: But…I can’t go back to HQ with nothing. They might actually flay me. AMB: Well, I’m really sorry man – TBS: Just… give me a quote. Give me something! AMB: Uh, leave the Moped Bros. alone? There you have it folks, right from the mouth of our anonymous source. Your assortment of apathy and contempt for the Moped Bros. is literally killing them. This problem ends with you. Please, let the Moped Bros. go.

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Formerly Bronze Bay Tanning

Bartender of the Week Relationship status: Single

If you could be a mythical creature, what would you be?: A hippogriff because I could fly and be a badass.

Major: Applied Engineering Favorite drink: Tanqueray and Tonic Favorite shot: Superman Disgusting drink: Anything with Burnett’s Where would you rather be right now?: Jamaica. What drink is the biggest pain in the ass to make?: Adios Mufucka. Who is your favorite Mark and why?: Marky Mark because he became Mark Wahlberg later in life.

Nate of Harper’s

When is the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: At Electric Forest.

What do you think those corporate fat cats are up to?: Eating. Describe yourself in five words: Happy, Optimistic, Charismatic, Relatable. Do you think you could take a bobcat in a fight?: Life or death — me, I’m bigger and smarter. What T.V. show are you most excited to come back?: I just got cable... Describe this bar in hashtags: #HarpsCrew #GoWild #FineLadies Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it does what it wants.

Recipe for disaster

Drinking Game Liar's Dice

Big Boy Chili

We all lie, whether it’s to our parents as to why we’re so tired, or to our friends as to why making out with that uggo was a totally reasonable thing to do. Translate that love for deceit into a game of gambling: Liar’s Dice.

It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered.

What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer. Number of Players: 2+ Level of Intoxication: You’ll be asking what’s the haps on the craps (in your pants).

What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES

How to Play: • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left. • Each player rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for the first hand. Each hand first to act rotates left of this person. • Now, each player uses the cup to shake up his or her dice. Each player places the cup top-down on the table. Each player secretly looks at his dice. Twos through sixes are worth face value. Ones are wild. • The first player to act must make a bet on the number and quantity of the set of dice on the table. For example, a bettor can claim “there are four sixes at the table.” • The player to the left of the first bettor may do one of three things: • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example). • Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes). • Challenge (Stop play, dice are revealed to see if the most recent bettor wins or loses). • If a challenge occurs and there are equal or greater numbers of dice on the table than the last bettor (including wilds), he or she wins. If there is less than the total number of gambled dice on the table, the challenger wins. • The loser of the challenge removes a die and drinks for three seconds. The Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left.

Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned. • Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth. • Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour. • Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half. • Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments. YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.

Great, you won. Now head to confession, sinner.

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Saints Row IV: A Keith David Story By: Kevin Wise Keith David has been a hero in the American eye for quite some time now. Whether it be from his motion picture debut in Disco Godfather, to his more modern portrayal of a hard-boiled cop in My Mom’s New Boyfriend, David has made audiences laugh and cry worldwide. But, truly, dear reader, Keith David has outdone himself this time. His more recent outing in the realm of entertainment has been in the recentlyreleased Saints Row IV. Starring Keith David. As Keith David. Hey reader, sorry, this isn’t for you. Yeah, we know you picked up the paper and all, and this is in the paper, but we were hoping a copy would float Keith David’s way, and you are most certainly not Keith David. We just want to talk to Keith for a minute. Just a second. Go play with your Pogs or something. Keith, hi, it’s The Black Sheep. How’ve you been? Good, we hope. We’ve been doing alright ourselves, trying to be funny and stuff. Yeah, the kids are great, thanks for asking. Uh, but also, we were wondering: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? It’s not going to get better than this, Keith! You’ve single-handedly doomed your career. What’s that smell, Keith? What does that smell like to you? Yeah, that’s unemployment! Get used to it. That’s going to be wafting around for a while now. You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime! And that’s just ignoring how badass your character, you, is in the first place. “Keith David: Vice President who has super powers and likes to tear shit up but also has a sensitive side and flaws just like everyone else.” It doesn’t roll of the tongue, but by God, Keith! You can’t just sit here and think you’re going to get away with this. Fans will never want a follow-up to this part; it would be blasphemous. You appeal to every facet of the emotional spectrum here, Keith! It’s like, in getting this role, all of the planets aligned and every single one of them has your face painted on it. No one’s going to give you the disservice of even trying to follow that shit up.

“You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime!” Let’s make this perfectly clear: You’ve done good. You play yourself really, really well in Saints Row IV. There is literally no one else we’d rather have play Keith David but you, Keith David. But this is the end of the road, friend. This is the peak. You’ve upped yourself in every single way. Now, it’s totally possible that you’d think that’s a good thing; that you’re pushing your limits. Well, you have. All the way. Nobody’s going to want any more Keith David because there’s nothing else to get. You’ve done it

all, and Saints Row IV was the straw that broke that damn camel. And, honestly Keith, you’ve been skirting this for quite some time; the attainment of the quintessential Keith David performance, we mean. Some thought you might have pulled it off as the Flame King in Adventure Time, but they were all stoned. Others claimed that your performance as Not-Riddick in The Chronicles of Riddick was your swan song, but then Vin Diesel snapped all of their necks. You never did thank Vincent for that, did you? You should probably do that. Get in touch with him before the darkness of anonymity sets in. Look, Keith, you’re a great guy. You’ve got a winning smile and a dulcet, golden voice. God, that voice. But that’s precisely the problem. By playing yourself in what is arguably the Citizen Kane of videogames…where do you go from there? America (and everywhere else) doesn’t want a more perfect piece. They’re happy with what they got. And, boy, you cut it close before. Remember Mass Effect? How hard that was? People loved Captain Anderson. Your portrayal of the beloved captain and the bacchanal of alien sex in the games made the series a near classic. Just one problem: BioWare made it impossible for the player to get busy with Captain Anderson. Yes, we know, that was extremely upsetting. Seriously, Mass Effect! We’re pretty sure you could have sex with a jellyfish in that game. The injustice on the part of the developers was inexcusable in the eyes of series fans, and the resulting outcry was palpable. We both know what happened to BioWare afterwards. It’s best not to talk about it. Then Volition, the creator of the Saints Row series, picked up the slack in the fourth iteration of their game and allowed the player to woo you, Keith “Motherfuckin’” David. Of course, you refuse the player’s advances, but at least the option is presented. Unfortunately, this means you’ve got nothing left. Once you’ve been offered virtual sex by a player who is most likely some amalgamation of animal cruelty and weird-smelling alcohol, your career has nowhere to go but down. Or, in your case, nowhere at all. It’s like you think people liked Cloud Atlas! Keith, you can’t fall back on that. Tell us, how many dildo bats did Cloud Atlas have? Huh? None of us saw Cloud Atlas, but we’re going to guess very few at best. Saints Row has that in spades. Dildo bats are, like, its hobby. Every punch line in that game is a dildo bat. And it’s that kind of Grade-A humor that made yours a household name, and then immediately banished it into obscurity.

Disco Godfather

We’re sorry, Keith, but you really did this to yourself. By accepting and successfully playing such a perfect role, you’ve ruined the rest of your life. Movies can’t take you back. Video games certainly won’t take you back. Really, they’re doing you a favor. Better to be snuffed out as a brilliant flame than as a dying spark.

My Mom’s New Boyfriend

The Black Sheep Interviews

A Magician!

This week we interviewed Kevin Viner, a magician, because outside of Gob we really don’t know what it’s like to be a full-time magic man. Kevin primarily performs at corporate events, does some college mind-reading tours, and can be reached on Twitter at @KevinViner and OfficialKevinViner on Facebook. No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.

By: Brendan and Quinn

The Black Sheep: How did you first get interested in magic, and what led to it becoming your career? Kevin Viner: From the time I was five years old I knew the direction I wanted to go. By the time I was eight or nine it was still what I wanted to do, so as far as I can remember it's been a passion of mine. TBS: What did you focus on when you were in school, knowing all you wanted to be was a magician? Kevin: Sports and everything came really easy to me because I realized that if I studied and worked hard it freed up time to do other things. I went to UC Irvine and studied math, because even though I'm in entertainment, I do a lot of corporate events. People have this misconception about being a magician, magic’s going to get you all the girls, magic’s going to be amazing and all this stuff. In corporate America people hear I’m a magician and think I do magic because it was my only choice, instead of thinking about how I do magic because I enjoy it. I knew I needed an education, because if you're performing for a room full of executives and can't hold your own, it's really detrimental to go through that. TBS: Did you start as an apprentice, or did you read books? How did you learn the trade? Kevin: I read a lot of books. My parents would take me down to the magic shop and pick up a lot of books when I was a kid, and I would study them front to back. And as my reading level increased, the more books I read. I didn't have a "mentor" until a few years ago. The guy works with Harvard and MIT doing lectures, but his day job is a magician. He's been really helpful these last few years in refining my act, but other than that it was really self-taught. TBS: Is there some sort of magician union, or is it every man for himself? Kevin: There’s a place in Hollywood called the Magic Castle, which is sort of a mecca for magicians. I started going to the Magic Castle when I was probably fifteen for classes and performing. I would go up there once month and meet with a young fraternity of other magicians who were interested in the same things. I met a lot of friends and learned from other people, but at the same time, I almost felt a little ostracized from the group because we didn’t share a whole lot of interests outside of magic. I tend to rely on myself now, because I've been doing it long enough that I don't need to learn any new grand ideas, since I know my base routines and can improvise off that. I used to hang out with a lot of magicians, but now I really hang out with five to ten really close friends who are in the magic community. TBS: Are there things you want to do in your act that you might not have the financial backing for? Kevin: It's very similar to any start-up company because you have to spend money to make money. So you could sit down with an idea and know you can do the trick, but will a corporation pay for you to do the extra trick? So if I have an idea that I know people would spend another $10,000 for, then sure I'd spend that money to get a return on that investment.

TBS: So, how much of your time is spent on working up new ideas, as opposed to performing? Kevin: That really depends on the day or week, like right now I'm in this crazy creative mode since during summer a lot of stuff tends to die down with both the corporate and college crowds. Then going into the winter things get crazy again. I've got companies booking me ahead of time for repeat business, so I don't need to focus on that side of things. A lot of the job is just a lot of reading and researching, hoping an idea will come to you, since you can get sort of a writer's block on ideas. TBS: What happens when something goes wrong? Kevin: When stuff happens — and it does, that's just a fact — there's not a lot you can do. Fortunately my style of performing lends itself well to this, but if you're David Copperfield and you're on stage and you really mess up a trick, you’re kind of shit out of luck. I do a lot of comedy on stage too, so my approach is if I can treat the audience to a good laugh after something doesn't work right, the more they're going to be on my side and they won't care. A well-placed one-liner improvised on the spot is always a pretty good cover-up. TBS: When you see other magicians do their tricks, is it easy for you to know what they're doing, or is there an aura of mystery still? Kevin: I pretty much know exactly what's going on since magicians are doing riffs on the same things. The stuff that fools me the most (and this is the same with audiences) is unexpected stuff. So if you know if a lady is going to float you're looking for strings or whatever, but if instead the lady turns into two ladies and then they disappear, you're caught off guard and it's a lot less likely that you'll figure it out. So that's an advantage magicians have in performing for regular audiences, we call them lay people, they don't know what's coming most of the time -- even with classic tricks. TBS: How often do you encounter unruly audience members? Kevin: Some people just want their voice to be heard because they're a high powered lawyer in LA, don't pay attention, and just want to be an alpha dog in the room; these guys don't really bother me, I can handle them pretty well. I've learned from a lot of different stand up comics on how to maintain character, shut the heckler up, and keep the audience on my side. So when it comes to hecklers, I’m able to get them to settle down by being really nice to them in the beginning, figure out a way to deflect or involve them, and then slowly get meaner and meaner as the situation allows, and as the audience turns against them as well. TBS: What is the hierarchy in magic, how do you go from a stage performer to having TV specials or Vegas specials, things like that? Kevin: First, it's a jump you really have to want. If you go to Vegas to do a show you'd need a talent promoter to bring you in, or you’d have to rent the theater and market it out yourself — and those shows almost always fail. If you really want to start doing TV you have to make yourself known in LA and around the Magic Castle. I have a talent agent

as well as being part of different casting agencies. You also have to realize in the big showrooms you won't necessarily be making as much money. There's two paths to take: the business approach where you go after weddings and the corporate events, that's where the money is, and you'll be able to make $50-60 grand in a year and work your way up to six figures even. But if you want to make it big time, you do the Vegas night club circuit and the comedy clubs that only pay $100 a night, and it's a grind, so you've got to want it badly. That stuff doesn't really interest me as much because I like doing the corporate events, so it's doubtful you'll ever see my name on a Vegas billboard. TBS: When you see the big magicians do they have access to resources that put them on another level? Kevin: Let's take David Blaine, and look at his special — you see him do the routine where he walks up to random strangers and asks their name. Then all of a sudden a taxi cab drives by with the name painted on the side. The thing is, there's more to that picture, which I won't get into, but there's more to that picture than what you're seeing, so with that stuff I know what's going. But then there's stuff that's just like, you know what's going on, barring some CGI work I know what's going on, how it works, and sometimes it's freakin' brilliant! I take most issue when a performer is levitating, and on TV you see them go four feet off the ground, but live the spectators are only seeing them go three inches off the ground. Now the spectator's reaction is real, but for the people at home it is much different. To me, that's when it gets a little stupid. Don't do that, have a better skill set to do better magic. But then the question becomes who wouldn't do the same thing? You can't really complain about someone who has a multimillion-dollar TV contract calling the shots.

spot the difference

Can you find the 10 differences in this tailgating scene? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!

6 degrees of separation

Miley Cyrus to

Mila Kunis These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @BlackSheep_MSU First 3 right answers get a prize!

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