The Black Sheep
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Vol. 9, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/4/13 - 9/11/13
The Consummate Guide
to a Consummating One Night Stand BY: Tom White As any true Spartan will tell you, some of the most important knowledge you’ll pick up over the course of your wild and tantalizing years here at Michigan State will happen outside of the classroom. We’re talking about some deep personal growth and shit here, people. You know, falling in love for the first time, tripping balls with that white dude who has dreads and goes by the name “Rasta Leonard,” and trying to tickle the little person working at Gumby’s—sorry, “Goomba’s.”The final exam for your out of class curriculum, however, lays in the one night stand. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep is here to guide you through it. Grab your rain coats and buckle in, it’s about to be a rough and messy ride. So there you are on some dimly lit dance floor slowly realizing the powder Rasta Leonard sold you is mostly just sawdust and James Gandolfini’s ashes, when some beautiful stranger starts giving you the eye from across the room. One thing leads to another, and 15 shameful minutes of grinding and finger blasting to a Tiesto Pandora station along with a smooth, “Wanna go get a limp the fun way?” later, you’re leaving the party with a new friend. Here is the first critical moment, deciding where to do the deed. The three classic options are, their place, your place, or everyone’s place: In public. Now, for all you deviant sex fiends that just started creepily grinning and rubbing your sticky hands together because you’re used to screwing all over alleyways and parks, you don’t need this guide, you need a moment of self-reflection and a stern talk with a the Wells Hall Preacher. The ideal situation is your partner’s home because it leaves you in ownership of the most vital commodity in any one night stand, flight. Your partner turns out to be sporting a different set of genitals you were expecting? Fly, fly! Your partner starts drunkenly sobbing about how much you smell like their ex? Fly, fly! Your partner wants to let Rasta Leonard get in on the action? Well, that one actually just depends on how you feel about smelling like patchouli oil for a week. The point is, there are few times when you’re more vulnerable than being butt naked with a stranger, so you need to be able to bolt. Once the actual clam cram begins, feel free to get a little adventurous. Ask your partner if they’re up, or down, for all the things your repressed little Catholic school mind has wanted to try ever since you
“accidently” watched that Fred Durst sex tape. There’s nothing like a little relatively anonymous boning to bring out the freak within. In the event you don’t pull the ol’ Paul Revere and do a flight-bynight after the carnal carnival is through, you will find yourself hungover waking up in an unknown bedroom, next to an unknown person(s), and if you’ve been doing it right, soreness in your body for unknown reasons—fun! Now that you’re sober, take a good honest look at your partner and decide if they’re as hot as you remember, or
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An Introvert’s Night Out
A State Student’s Letter from 1913
A night out from someone who spends a sad amount of nights in.
if Canada House bamboozled you into sexing up a swamp monster again. In the event you bagged a good one, congratulations! Hit that again like it’s the asthma kid’s inhaler, and it’s dodgeball day in gym class. If not, shit the bed for a distraction while you run away and cut your losses. Nobody likes a lingerer, so collect your clothing, exchange names if you’ve seen The Notebook recently and are feeling all sentimental, and get going on that walk of pride back home, you’ve earned it.
A Spartan of the distant past recounts a night of debauchery.
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Spartan Chivalry: 2013 Style How to be a gentlemen in the golden age of the douchebag.