The Black Sheep
FR EE ... l on ike ev the er lef yv eg tov gi er e t ca ra ul y, ev iflo er wer .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 4 • 1/30/13 - 2/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
walking to class: a narration frank sorise wrote this
It’s twelve in the afternoon on a frigid Tuesday in January at Michigan State University. Your destination is your 12:40 class across campus, but since it’s Tuesday, you’ve been up for all of ten minutes. You throw on your “go-to” sweat pants, plop on a ski-cap, then you jam your ear buds in your skull and turn the volume of your iPod to a level that would be described as “potentially damaging” by four out of five doctors (assuming the fifth doctor is drunk). As you grab your backpack and head out of the door, the cold East Lansing air/smog/smut hits your face and filters into your lungs like that filthy, fiberglass-filled menthol cigarette you had outside of Rick’s last Saturday. While you cut up M.A.C. and look at the weekend debris scattered on the lawns of its residents, you see a P.A.C.E. officer casually ruining the day of some unsuspecting student who accidentally parked more than one foot off of the curb. You think to yourself, “He might be good at giving tickets, but I bet he’s terrible at sex and I bet he’s never got any girl to give him a real, authentic artisan handjob before.” Approaching Grand River you’re almost maliciously obliterated by an Audi R8 driven by a fast and furious, how should I say, international student, if you catch our Tokyo Drift. Giddy from your brush with death, you start to mouth a few lines of the song that’s playing in your ear buds, and then the solo dance moves impulsively follow. Suddenly, you have the cold realization that you’re still in public—people are noticing your spastic movements and lip-syncing, and seem to all have a look on their faces that they’re embarrassed to be on the same sidewalk as you. Maybe it would have been better to be hit by that car. Alright, head down, just focus on your iPod and maybe those people back there will just think you were in the midst of recovering from some sort of seizure. You head towards Beaumont and pick your head up just in time to see an angry white male barreling down the hilly sidewalk at roughly Mach 2. Fortunately, you ate a dirty bagel instead of your Wheaties today, and you use that energy to dodge him with a juke-hurdle move that would make Le’Veon Bell proud. While passing the library you realize that it’s time to motivate. This week is going to be the week you turn it all
real craigslist classifieds
have you ever wondered what the "kevin bacon special" was? Well, we found out, the hard way.
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around. Even though you said that yesterday, last week, and pretty much every day since Welcome Week 2009, you know you’re actually going to do it this time. With that in mind, you see that you only have about six minutes until your class starts and your pace hastens. Coming off the bridge, you’re now immersed in the crossfire of a high-density walking route and a bike path. Your visibility from the bridge’s exit is limited. Wary of this situation, you narrowly avoid being part of the devastating collision between a rebel-hippie long-boarder who refuses to admit it’s cold by wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a small heifer who’s trying to stick to her New Year’s resolution by biking to every class (and only eating two cupcakes with breakfast). You waltz by this odd couple while they scream
what'’s inside
The Bottom 10: Places for Athletic Ass Smacks
in horror and look perplexed as to why no one is stopping to help them. You enter Wells Hall and begin instantly dripping in sweat. As you pull up your schedule on your phone to see what room this class is actually in, you receive a text from that shithead/best-friend of yours reading: “Peanut Barrel?” Ignoring the text and approaching your classroom door, you see a sign that reads: “PROFESSOR ILL—NO CLASS TODAY” You pause briefly in disbelief, thinking some The Secret shit must have just gone down, before looking back at your phone and responding to that shithead with: “Be there in 10.”
Super Bowl, Black Sheep Style
If you thought they were awkward in football just wait until you get one at your next funeral.
The only sure bet is that the Puppy Bowl will be more entertaining
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