The Black Sheep
FR EE ... l on ike ev the er lef yv eg tov gi er e t ca ra ul y, ev iflo er wer .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 4 • 1/30/13 - 2/6/13
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walking to class: a narration frank sorise wrote this
It’s twelve in the afternoon on a frigid Tuesday in January at Michigan State University. Your destination is your 12:40 class across campus, but since it’s Tuesday, you’ve been up for all of ten minutes. You throw on your “go-to” sweat pants, plop on a ski-cap, then you jam your ear buds in your skull and turn the volume of your iPod to a level that would be described as “potentially damaging” by four out of five doctors (assuming the fifth doctor is drunk). As you grab your backpack and head out of the door, the cold East Lansing air/smog/smut hits your face and filters into your lungs like that filthy, fiberglass-filled menthol cigarette you had outside of Rick’s last Saturday. While you cut up M.A.C. and look at the weekend debris scattered on the lawns of its residents, you see a P.A.C.E. officer casually ruining the day of some unsuspecting student who accidentally parked more than one foot off of the curb. You think to yourself, “He might be good at giving tickets, but I bet he’s terrible at sex and I bet he’s never got any girl to give him a real, authentic artisan handjob before.” Approaching Grand River you’re almost maliciously obliterated by an Audi R8 driven by a fast and furious, how should I say, international student, if you catch our Tokyo Drift. Giddy from your brush with death, you start to mouth a few lines of the song that’s playing in your ear buds, and then the solo dance moves impulsively follow. Suddenly, you have the cold realization that you’re still in public—people are noticing your spastic movements and lip-syncing, and seem to all have a look on their faces that they’re embarrassed to be on the same sidewalk as you. Maybe it would have been better to be hit by that car. Alright, head down, just focus on your iPod and maybe those people back there will just think you were in the midst of recovering from some sort of seizure. You head towards Beaumont and pick your head up just in time to see an angry white male barreling down the hilly sidewalk at roughly Mach 2. Fortunately, you ate a dirty bagel instead of your Wheaties today, and you use that energy to dodge him with a juke-hurdle move that would make Le’Veon Bell proud. While passing the library you realize that it’s time to motivate. This week is going to be the week you turn it all
real craigslist classifieds
have you ever wondered what the "kevin bacon special" was? Well, we found out, the hard way.
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around. Even though you said that yesterday, last week, and pretty much every day since Welcome Week 2009, you know you’re actually going to do it this time. With that in mind, you see that you only have about six minutes until your class starts and your pace hastens. Coming off the bridge, you’re now immersed in the crossfire of a high-density walking route and a bike path. Your visibility from the bridge’s exit is limited. Wary of this situation, you narrowly avoid being part of the devastating collision between a rebel-hippie long-boarder who refuses to admit it’s cold by wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a small heifer who’s trying to stick to her New Year’s resolution by biking to every class (and only eating two cupcakes with breakfast). You waltz by this odd couple while they scream
what'’s inside
The Bottom 10: Places for Athletic Ass Smacks
in horror and look perplexed as to why no one is stopping to help them. You enter Wells Hall and begin instantly dripping in sweat. As you pull up your schedule on your phone to see what room this class is actually in, you receive a text from that shithead/best-friend of yours reading: “Peanut Barrel?” Ignoring the text and approaching your classroom door, you see a sign that reads: “PROFESSOR ILL—NO CLASS TODAY” You pause briefly in disbelief, thinking some The Secret shit must have just gone down, before looking back at your phone and responding to that shithead with: “Be there in 10.”
Super Bowl, Black Sheep Style
If you thought they were awkward in football just wait until you get one at your next funeral.
The only sure bet is that the Puppy Bowl will be more entertaining
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Dispoop:
An argument between two people stemming from a floater left in the toilet. “Man, we can just end this dispoop if you admit that you dropped a deuce and forgot to flush before you left for your lit class.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Justin Gawel
photographers Bailey Paskiewicz, Leslie Spector
Advertising ManagerS Andrew Meggert
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Jessica Lee, Thomas Stewart
owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608-712-0900
distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the artisan handjob
Cody Manthei wrote this Craigslist has brought society a lot of things: A way to get a used vibrator for cheap, an alternate route to find weed when you’re really out of luck, or an extra large woman to come sit on you when you’re feeling a little stressed out. The possibilities are endless! But not all things are created equal, and through our search of all the great goods and services found on Craigslist, we came across the best one of all: “******WANTED****** ONE ARTISAN HANDJOB! Hi, my name is Julio. I’m a 35-year-old science teacher who enjoys the fine, organic things in life and I’m lookin’ for a girl who can blow my mind with the power of her hand. I’m talkin’ about an Hjibber that feels like your hand is blowing me. Now, for those of you who don’t know what an artisan handjob is, then quit reading this and go back to searching Craigslist for “romance” or a “job.” But for those of you who do know what I’m referring to, here are the specifics that I’m interested in: First, I want you to wear an aquamarine, sequined jump suit, but one that is super low cut-in the front so I can check them quiverin’ titties when you’re whippin’ my wang. The color is very important—aquamarine calms me in a way that no other color can, it has a maternal warmth to it. This will benefit both of us in the end, since I’ll bust my giblets way faster and, thus, allow you to continue your day quicker, with my glorious ejaculation as a mere cherished memory, icing on the cake of your day, if you will. I’ll be taking care of the atmosphere. I’ll provide some vanilla bean incense for you to take five of in each hand and wave your arms like a bird until the whole room smells just like a Cold Stone Creamery. (Cold Stone would actually be the ideal place for this to go down, but last time I tried they slapped a restraining order on me, I got like 250 hours of community service, and now I’m no longer allowed near elementary schools, Babies R’ Us, or any ice cream vendor.) Once we have the room smelling nice, I will then ask you to turn on the stereo, which will be equipped with a Boyz 2 Men mix tape that I recently made—super good stuff (their earlier stuff, not their more recent bullshittery). After everything is set in place, I will lay on my back and you can finally proceed with the artisan HJ. Now, I don’t care what style of artisan handjob you use, but my favorite methods are as follows:
1. The Mongolian Bare Back 2. The Left-Hand Ball Teaser (I know, it’s an archaic method, so it’s okay if you don’t know this one) 3. The Kevin Bacon Special 4. Precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire—this one is technically only supposed to be done on Sundays, but we can break the rules if you want; I won’t tell! :) 5. Witches' Brew, but with just enough lube to make it a borderline Alaskan Pipeline Shuffle I would really prefer Number 3, but it’s ultimately up to you. For any of you interested please email me at EndarAnnakin@AOL.com with some pics of your boobs and a few pics of your clenched fists wouldn’t hurt either! If I like what I see I’ll be in touch. Thanks!! Now, we did some research on artisan handjobs after we read this, and it turns out this style of handjob is a fairly recent phenomenon dating back to the mid-nineties. As it turns out, girlfriends during this time period couldn’t keep their men satisfied because they were so caught up in the best fucking era of cartoons ever that they didn’t even want sex. However, a few brave strokers started an underground society who remained true to the cause and dedicated to exploring it in all of its types. Who knows, maybe one day you will be lucky enough to be on the receiving end of this rare and elegant art form.
the bottom 10:
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Places For Athletic Ass Smacks You thought openly caressing bums in the public eye was reserved for athletes? Not so fast, friend. Although sometimes awkward, there’s always room in this world for athletic ass tappings, slappings, and blastings. However, after some field research, we came up with a list of the ten most awkward places to receive and/or administer a good ol’ tap-a-roo. 10.) Smoking a Bowl: Weediquette says that when a good friend—or that sketchy character from down the hall—smokes you down you either need to match him or throw a couple of dollars his way. Screw that. A swift smack to the ass when you exit not only saves you some dough, but is the ultimate sign of respect and admiration. 9.) Grocery Store: “Hey, Broseph. Can you tell me where the condoms are? How ‘bout some Skittles too? And maybe a tarp? Don’t worry about what I’m doin’ with ‘em. I’m gettin’ weird and that’s all you need to know. All in the same aisle you say? How convenient." (light buttocks tap)
Around the Spartan Water Cooler: Basket-Brawl Edition
8.) Office Hours Visit: So you got caught cheating, again. Though ambitious, having your international student suitemate write your essay in a mixture of English and Mandarin probably wasn’t the best idea. To charm your way out of this, thank your prof for being understanding and add a lil’ ass grab to your defense. It’ll go over really well with Ms. Gender Studies Instructor.
Alex Everard wrote this As many of you may have heard recently, a couple of Michigan State basketballers came to fisticuffs while staying in a hotel for a road game. Since we at The Black Sheep like to hide in Derrick Nix’s duffle bag and stalk the team for our editions of Around the Spartan Water Cooler, we had a front row seat for Payne vs. Dawson. Here’s exactly how it went down: Adreian Payne: Man, coach always works us too hard before road games. Come on, we’re playin’ Penn State, I could dunk on half those fools in flip-flops—flip-flops with Velcro. Derrick Nix: Whatever, Adreian, you’re just mad because B-Daws p’owned your ass in C.O.D. Black Ops 2 before practice. Payne: Don’t even star t, the Internet connection lagged. There was lag! There was lag and you know it. Branden Dawson: Ha, yeah right. I was like, “Bam!” and you were like “Ahhh!” and then I was like “POP, POP,” and you were like “Oh, I’m Adreian Payne; I suck at C.O.D. and now I just got killed by Branden Dawson, AGAIN!” Payne: (Gets in Dawson’s face) Talk shit to me one more time—I dare you, little man. Nix: Who you callin’ “little man”? Entire Team in Unison: Not you, D-Nix! Dawson: (laughs) Chill, Adreian; I’m just pushin’ your buttons. And yeah, Nix, don’t always get so defensive when someone says, “little man.” We know you’re the biggest man on campus. Don’t worry, we get it. Nix: Just making sure you don’t forget. I’ll eat a small forward for breakfast. Russell Byrd: He’s actually not joking; I saw it happen one time. I still have night terrors about it. Travis Trice: Shut up, Russ; you didn’t see anything. Nix: That’s right, Ruffles and a Burger, I mean, Russell Byrd. Coach Izzo: All right, everyone, break up this little pow-wow. It’s time to get some rest. We play a Big Ten team on the road tomorrow; get ready for a lot of cheap shots and blown calls.
Payne: Don’t have to tell me twice, Coach; I’m tired of these fools. Nix: Did team dinner happen already or— Izzo: Derrick, don’t worry, I had Russell pack you your usual seven PB&J sandwiches for your lights-out snack. Nix: Aww, thanks, Coach, you’re the best. Byrd: What about me, D-Nix? I was the one who packed them! Nix: Yeah but Coach is the one with a National Championship ring, Truffles and Stuffed Bird, I mean, Russell Bird. (Two Hours Later) Assistant Coach Fife: (Opens door) Okay, everybody, light ou—Russell, why are you the only one in here? And why are you reading Good Housekeeping? You’re not looking up artisan handjibbers again, are you? Byrd: Everyone’s in Adreian’s room playing C.O.D. and, uh, looking at throw pillows helps my three-point stroke, Coach. Coach Fife: Thanks, and you should probably try a different, hmm, “stance”. (Assistant Coach Fife walks into Payne’s room, witnesses shoving match between Payne and Dawson) Dawson: This connection sucks; I’m still the best! Payne: Toot-toot! You hear that, B-Daws? That’s the PAYNE TRAIN BABY! All aboard, there’s room for one weak-ass NOOB! Dawson: I ain’t a noob, you big oaf! Payne: I ain’t an oaf, you little noob! (The shoving escalates, fists fly, and Coach Fife catches a ‘bow to the nuts) Izzo: What in the FFF-inal Four is going on in here? Byrd: (Running in) I told you guys not to play C.O.D.; it promotes violence! Entire Team: SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP, RUSSELL!
7.) Olin Checkup: “Benjamin, your test results are back, and unfortunately, you have the clap. I know, I know, you already told me you ‘pull-out most of the time.’ Don’t worry, there is nothing a little antibiotics and self loathing can’t take care of—I think. Take these with food when you get home." (crisp smack of the tush) 6.) First Date: Kevin is a gentleman. He’s funny, sweet, and only (audibly) farted four times at dinner. Embrace his flatulence with some smackulence of your own on his hot buns when you thank him for dinner. Remember, take things slow. 5.) Community Bathrooms: Kelly, a model floor mate, has all of the qualities you could ask for: shares her toothpaste, doesn’t hog the shower, generous in the artisan handjob department, and an ass that doesn’t quit. Sometimes a nod of approval is simply not enough. So you do more, ladies… At least that’s how we imagine it happening. 4.) Cousin’s Bar Mitzah: Mazel tov! Ezekiel is finally a man. Sadly, you forgot to get him a gift. Just tell him to wrap it up and give him a firm, sturdy slap on his hind parts. It’ll be more valuable than all the other shit he gets that day anyway. 3.) Colonoscopy: After twenty-four hours of poopin’ water and not being able to eat, you’re finally bottoms up in your paper gown. As you think things couldn’t get even more unsettling, the doctor curiously pats your gluteus maximus and says, “Well, looks like this is a first time for both of us. Now hold still.” 2.) Funeral: People deal with grief differently. Some cry, some hug, some get blackout drunk, and some do a combination of all three. Be an innovator and start a new trend. At least the sting of a booty slap will help relatives take their mind off losing a loved one, and probably make them wish it were you. 1.) Job Interview: You’ve been preparing for this moment since you dropped out of the business school and changed your major to forestry—your first “real job” interview. Let the HR rep know you are the man/woman for the job by adding some pinch to your post-interview bottom squeeze.
andrew rickerman wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite cold weather activity? “Staying in bed.” - Kalliegh L., Grad Student
“Getting drunk while skiing.” - Tom T., Senior
“Snowball fights.” - Sotirios G. Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Super Bowl, Black Sheep Style Garrison Rasmussen wrote this Hello, East Lansing sports fans! As you all know, the Super Bowl is taking place this Sunday, and let us say, we here at The Black Sheep are no exception to being fans of people grabbing awkward, misshapen balls, hitting holes hard, and letting out homoerotic aggression with an occasional grunt. Without any more unnecessary fanfare for fanfare’s sake, here are a few interesting storylines to follow in the upcoming Super Bowl, as well as our prediction: The first storyline to pay attention to is Ray Lewis. You may remember Lewis from earlier in this Willennium when he dressed as the Grim Reaper for a Halloween party in January and proceeded to, albeit allegedly but very likely, stab the hell out of a guy that totally gave him a dirty look at a dinner party the previous night. Lewis doesn’t age—he moisturizes so he can live another day to wander the football field, searching for something to quench his insatiable blood-thirst. This Super Bowl will be his last chance to add to his “kills” mark while on the football field. Otherwise, he may end up having to pull an OJ and try to add to his record postretirement, with the law and Johnny Cochran getting all muddled up in it. Another storyline to observe in the big game this coming Sunday is the quarterback fiasco regarding the San Francisco 49ers. In 2005, San Francisco decided to pull their best Matt Millen impression and waste the number-one overall draft pick on Alex Smith: a man who couldn’t throw a football ten yards or himself off a building if he tried (and, believe us, he has tried). So, as soon as Colin Kaepernick showed he could do the job, Smith knew it would soon be time to start dusting off his resume and put in for unemployment. Don’t worry, Alex Smith, people will always pay for artisan handjobs from an ex-NFL quarterback. The third storyline is the media dubbing this game the “Harbaugh” Bowl. However, more realistically this game should be known as the “Which Brother’s Cock is Bigger?” Bowl. Jimmy and Johnny, brothers from an alleged Zeus-ian bloodline, are the first brothers to face each other in the title game. Brotherhood rivalry has now extended from trivial matters such as “Why did Jimmy get more ice cream,” “Who’s really at fault for accidentally killing Grandma,” and “Why is John’s willy so much bigger than mine, Mom?” to winning the most prestigious game in an NFL season. Regardless of the result, the next Thanksgiving at the Harbaugh household could be awkward, as the winning brother will obnoxiously bump their ring into their glass, the gravy bowl, their codpiece, and anything else that will clang at dinner.
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Anyway, our prediction for the game is: “Who gives a shit?” We all watch the game to get drunk, watch some dog eat Doritos, and see Eminem try to make America believe that the city of Detroit is still relevant and not a giant, burning shithole. If you aren’t passed out or watching the Puppy Bowl by the third quarter, you’re doing it wrong. Cheers!
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Finally, the biggest storyline physically plaguing the headlines for the Super Bowl is undoubtedly Colin Kaepernick’s nose. Seriously people, Google that schnoz. NASA has reported that his nose has a gravitational pull associated with it; seriously, his nose caused a solar eclipse three years ago and is the reason we have high tide and low tide. The NFL is currently investigating whether this gives Kaepernick a competitive edge, and if he has all those tattoos because the mountainous glacier on his face has stricken him with low self-esteem.
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Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Specials Run 7 Days A Week Open-Close! Go Green!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 1/30
Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 1/31
Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 2/1
Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close
Come try our Green Meanie!
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 2/2
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$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 2/3
Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 2/4
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Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
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TUES, 2/5
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 2/6
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
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Worst Things To Do When
You See Your Professor In Real Life Hannah Borland wrote this We all think that faculty members don’t have a life off-campus. We would like to believe that they are confined to their classrooms and offices somehow, perhaps with an electric fence like in Jurassic Park. Unfortunately, your calculus professor is not a Dilophosaurus and the stuttering musings of Jeff Goldblum are nowhere to be found. Yes, professors are free to roam the outside world. You might just see one of them in line at the movies on a Saturday night, or bump into them Sunday morning at the grocery store after they’ve participating in some off-campus extracurricular activities. So how do you avoid displaying your shock at discovering that they are, in fact, a real person with human-like needs? By doing none of these things, of course! Confess Your Undying Love: We’ve all been there. Van Halen didn’t write “Hot for Teacher” because the classroom thermostat was causing Teach to mildly perspire. The Graduate showed us all that feeling a little naughty for the grey merkins was not only acceptable, but satisfactory. However, this is a case where life does not imitate art, especially when the object of your affection has a cart full of Spaghetti-O’s and two toddlers in tow. Keep it in your pants, Eddie. Offer Them Drugs: There are some professors out there that are down to clown. After a hard exam or final, they’ll whip off their glasses, light the syllabus on fire, and wipe their asses with the university’s by-laws; because fuck it, students are adults too. They want to grab a beer at the Peanut Barrel and hang out with you because you’re actually a real person to them, sprout. Drink it up with these profs and you might just actually learn to maintain valuable relationships and succeed in life. But offer them a spliff and, oh no, you have just “stepped over” some “line.” The only relationships you’ll be maintaining from there will with your probation officer and a plastic cup. Fart: Near them, next to them, on them: these are all bad. No one likes farts, even if they’re funny. Seriously, we may have a gentlemanly chortle each time we publish an article about the ole’ ass ripping, but do it anywhere near us and we’ll have the same reaction as everyone else. That is, wrinkling our noses and quickly denying that we are truly the supplying party. Really, if you have to step on the duck while a professor is within the stink radius, be a man and tightly clench your
butt cheeks together until it dissipates. When they ask what’s wrong, just tell them you’re trying to hold in a particularly violent seizure. That’s way less embarrassing than you both standing in a fart cloud, carrying on a conversation and politely ignoring the urge to blow chunks. Attempt to Prostitute Yourself: Just because your professor is at Starbucks alone on a Saturday night it doesn’t mean that he’s trolling for hookers, usually. You’re there alone too, but you’re only hoping to score a caramel Frappuccino, not a discounted artisan handjob. Look, we know that working as his research aide doesn’t pay the bills, but he doesn’t need to know that, and neither do the sweaty baristas making your beverage. Keep your under-the-table work to yourself, and consider selling drugs instead. It pays better and you can still charge extra for raw, uh, “materials.” Seems pretty basic, right? Just keep your illegal activities, unsavory bodily functions, and harlequin fantasies to yourself. They’ll do the same, most likely. If you feel like you can’t succeed in not doing these things, hold very still. Because we’ve heard that professors’ vision is based on motion, much like a T-Rex. And professors are just like what we saw in Jurassic Park, aren’t they?
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bartender of the week craig beggar's banquet Major: Outdoor Parks and Recreation
What are your turnoffs: Bad breath
Relationship status: In a relationship
Favorite part of working in a bar: Interactions with people
Nickname: Craiggory
Cats or dogs: Dogs
Favorite winter drink: Atwater Vanilla Java Porter
Best pick up line: “Do you like this material? Yeah, that’s boyfriend material”
Bar pet peeve: Snapping Dance club or dive bar: Dive bar What famous person would you like to have drinks with? Jerry Jones, he may be alive—but he’s a corpse.
the drinking game:
Pre-drinking meal: Anything carbolicious Describe Beggar’s with hashtags: #gimmeeat
recipe for disaster:
Super Bowl Shots
Summer Slammer Smoothies
Everyone wishes they could be an NFL player, but unfortunately that position is reserved for buff boys whose brawn is bigger than their brains. Until you’re reincarnated as one of these gifted few, here’s a football-inspired drinking game aimed to make anyone feel like the star QB for a few minutes.
In this chilly weather all we want is to be soaking up rays somewhere. So put on your swimsuit, crank up the heat, and make your own poolside beverages to get the summer feel in your apartment.
What You’ll Need: Table, cups, beer, ping pong balls, and Super Bowl XLVII on the big screen. Number of Players: 2 teams of 2 is ideal, but there’s always room for more. Level of Intoxication: Feelin’ real good by the second half.
What You’ll Need: A blender, ice, milk or Greek yogurt, fruit, and your choice of alcohol. Cook Time: Just a few minutes, you lazy bum! Fatty Factor: Depends on the type of milk you use. Otherwise, get drunk!
How to Play: - Get all your bros together and turn on the Super Bowl. - Split up into two teams and have each team pick between either the 49ers or the Ravens. - Watch the game and drink casually until one of the following occurs: interception, fumble, safety, touchdown, punt, or field goal. - Once one of these situations happens, get up and head over to the table. Set up 2 cups for each player on the opposing team. Place the cups anywhere you want: on the table, on the floor, on the couch behind you. Just don’t be an asshole; make them somewhat reachable. - The team that benefitted from the game situation (like the team that recovered the fumble) shoots first. - One by one, each player, alternating teams, has a chance to shoot and make one of the cups on the opposite side (no bouncing!). Once a player has made 2 cups, they’re done and sit for the rest of that round. - If someone’s throw causes a ball to fly away, land under a piece of furniture, or spill a cup, that team is charged with a delay of game and must remove a cup for the other team. - Both teams together have a total of 2 minutes to sink as many cups as they can. The Game Ends When: The game is over, duh! The team with the most sunk cups at the end of the fourth quarter wins. Make ‘em pay for all the cases. This game tests any athletic skills that you may or may not have. Most likely not, but who cares? You’re getting drunk, bro.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your blender and pour in about a cup of milk. - If you have Greek yogurt and want to make it a bit healthier, add in about _ cup of that shit. - Pour in a shot or two of your alcohol of choice. - Next you add your fruit: strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples. Whatever you have a taste for. - Top your smoothie off with a few handfuls of ice, but if you want your shake/smoothie on the creamy side, you don’t need it. - If you’re a total juicehead, add in some protein powder, bro! - Blend it up until it’s all nice and smooth. - Pour it in a glass, toss in a cute little drink umbrella, and chug, chug, chug! Feel free to get creative yet appetizing. Bananas and rum could be a good combination or the traditional berries and vodka. Maybe replace your milk and yogurt with Rumchata? The world is your oyster, so slurp it down.
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! e m a g g in k in r d l w o er b upAnnouncers... e SThe ThWhen When The Announcers...
during the halftime show....
Drink one when they say each other’s name.
Drink one for every Pepsi mention.
Drink one if Ray Lewis’ leadership is discussed.
Drink two when Beyonce changes songs.
Drink two for every forced Harbaugh pun.
Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity.
Drink three when they use the telestrator.
Drink five if Jay-Z or Kanye come on stage.
Drink four for each shot of the Harbaugh family.
Drink ten if Destiny’s Child comes on stage.
When the team you're rooting for... Drink one when a pass is completed.
Drink three for any sack your team causes.
Drink ONE for each point your team scores.
Drink three for every challenge.
Drink two for a ten-yard run.
Drink four for any turnover your team forces.
Drink two for any penalty on the other team
Drink four for any play over forty yards.
Drink two for any first down your team gets.
Chug your drink for the duration of an injury.
during the commercials...
in your place...
Drink one for every hot babe.
Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey.
Drink three for every beer commercial.
Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo.
Drink four for each company you don’t know.
Drink three every time someone spills.
Drink six every time animals are involved.
Drink five if you miss a score.
Drink six for dudes doin’ dumb dude-stuff.
Drink ten when something is broken in anger.
we interview:
tyrone wells
Even if you don’t know Tyrone Wells, you’ve heard Tyrone Wells. His personal brand of acoustic tuneage has appeared on everything from American Idol to Scrubs to the freaking Vampire Diaries. His latest album, This Love, dropped recently, and he begins a national tour in February. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: You recently released your fifth studio album, This Love; did you approach the creative process differently on this album? Tyrone Wells: I approached it knowing I wanted to keep the production a little bit more acoustic. Every time I try to make a record I try to keep it sparse, but songs keep growing. TBS: When you talk about an album growing, is that like, adding musical ingredients? A little of this, a little of that? Tyrone: Yeah, it is like that. I don’t always know what should be added, but there are songs like “Bring Her to Me” and “Aria” that are finger picking songs that I knew would be nice with hardly anything else added. But, when you get in the studio, you start thinking “This could use a little drum beat,” and then it can spiral out of control if you’re not careful. TBS: Do you usually know what you need to add, or is there trial and error? Tyrone: I’ll dig around for a while, unsure what the best thing to add is. That’s why it helps to have a good producer, to trust their instincts. That’s why a lot of artists can’t finish anything; they just dig a hole they can’t get out of. TBS: These sparse songs, do you write with the intention of them being that way? Tyrone: Some songs I know it’ll be best with little added. On the other hand, sometimes I think I know, and then I end up with something totally different. TBS: And does that feeling come from lyrical subject matter, or something else? Tyrone: If the songs feels intimate or if it feels bombastic, that has a lot to do with it. Just knowing it will shine more if there is less added. TBS: You’re about to head out on a national tour. When you go on tour do you try to recreate a song as you recorded it, or just have fun with it? Tyrone: It depends. Sometimes I tour with a full band, other times it’s just with one other guy. When I have just one other guy, it’s hard to reproduce a song as it’s performed on a record. Sometimes we’ll fiddle with songs intentionally, adding a different groove or something. For the most part, I try to keep it similar to the record. TBS: Has there been any song that’s changed its meaning to you over time, then, in turn, you’ve changed the approach to how you play it live? Tyrone: No, I don’t think so. I labor beforehand over how the song would be best performed. I’ve been to shows and gotten annoyed when artists change songs, especially if they change the songs drastically. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a Counting Crows concert, but they perform every song differently than they recorded it, and I’m like, “I’m seeing you because I like the way this song sounds.” TBS: How much input do you have in your touring? Tyrone: I’m very involved in where we go, where we play, for sure. It’s my life and I want to enjoy the experience. If I love a room or it has the wrong vibe, I’ll hit up my booking agent. TBS: In this new musical landscape, how do you define your success? Tyrone: I think for me, I care if a new record charts or not. That’s happened on the singer/ songwriter chart for me, with my last releases coming up number one or number two. TV and film placement are important, and touring. When you come through a town and you notice if the audience is bigger or smaller than it was last time. TBS: Can you really note the different sizes of audiences in cities? Tyrone: I can tell just by the enthusiasm of the crowd. And I mean, we switch venues, and that can change the perception of how well we’re doing in a city. TBS: Build me a perfect sandwich. Tyrone: You know, my perfect sandwich… that’s a great, great question. French baguette, barbecued pork, radish, jalapeño, carrots, and basil. The way they prepare the meat, it rocks the world.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
warm bodies In theaters february 1st
After a zombie apocalypse leaves a bunch of people craving human brains, R (Nicholas Hoult) and his zombie friends encounter a group of people. R kills a man then proceeds to fall in love with his girlfriend, Julie (Teresa Palmer). They begin to develop a relationship, and R slowly becomes less zombie-like, proving that if a zombie can find love, then so can your braindead ass.
Super Bowl XLVII February 3rd at 6pm on CBS
For those who don't read roman, this year's Super Bowl is the 47th and the first one to feature opposing head coach brothers; the Baltimore Ravens' John Harbaugh and the San Francisco 49ers' Jim Harbaugh. But most importantly, Beyonce and her children of destiny are performing at half time. Ma, heat up the spin dip!
Puppy Bowl IX February 3rd at 3pm on Animal Planet
The lovely (assuming) ladies of Animal Planet present two hours of puppies rolling around on each other and being adorable in the 9th year of the Puppy Bowl. There's no Beyonce at half time, and it doesn't cost $4 million dollars for a 30-second commercial, but it's friggin' puppies playing with each other for 120 minutes. That's a whole lot of cute.
the wordsearch: NFL Teams Cowboys Giants Eagles Redskins Bears Lions Packers Vikings Falcons Panthers
Saints Buccaneers Cardinals Rams Seahawks Bills Dolphins Patriots Jets Ravens Bengals
Browns Steelers Texans Colts Jaguars Titans Broncos Chiefs Raiders Chargers
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