Michigan State - Issue 5 - 2/6/2013

The Black Sheep

FR EE me ... li an ke yo VD, ur an Va d n le nt o, w in e d e’s o Da n’t y.

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 8, Issue 5 • 2/6/13 - 2/13/13

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Romance At Its Finest: College Editions Zoë Kremke wrote this

T’was the morning of Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, when I awoke next to my girlfriend. She was the epitome of beauty, her face covered in drool and her nostrils flaring with snoring vibrations that kept me up most of the night. I woke her up, as I do every morning, by leaving a mug of slightly burnt coffee on the nightstand next to her wheezing, drooling face.

But since this morning was special I put a dash of creamer I stole from IHOP in the coffee to mask the burning aroma!

I took a lukewarm shower while the love of my life brushed her teeth and went through her typical “mascara-only” makeup routine. But wait, today she pulled out all the fancy stops—today she put on Chapstick. Such a small gesture, one that I knew she had put extreme amounts of thought into, just to make me, and maybe my penis, happy on this wonderful day.

As we ate our usual breakfast of a few-days-expired blueberry yogurt and off-brand cereal, I felt the rays of winter sunlight, as weak as a Wolverine’s ejaculate, stream through the window and catch the split ends of her brown hair. We soon parted ways - her going to class and I gallivanting off to watch an entire season of Rock of Love, eating bags upon bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and neglecting any and all work I had to do for school, my internship, or otherwise. All of this in order to better focus my energy on thinking about her for every waking moment of this blessed V-Day.

Upon my sweet lady’s return, she drank a cup of water, sprung from the dirty fountain of the sink (only the best for my love); then she took a nap. I decided to take advantage of her slumber to get reacquainted with “Hand-gel-ina Jolie” during shower #2 of the day. Then I made us some scrumptious cuisine: Easy Mac garnished with table pepper I stole from the Brody Caf and served in microwave-tarnished ZooPals bowls. She looked utterly ravishing in the flickering light of the TV, as we sat on the couch and finished up Rock of Love. We kept talking to a minimum, preferring to keep to our own thoughts, and ate in a silence drenched with tenderness only comfortable, cholesterol-ridden love can provide.

The fire of passion between us was unmistakable as she changed into her worn-in velour tracksuit to do homework while I

if you give new orelans a superdome

researched how to solve our impending fruit fly problem. She lovingly wiped Cheeto cheese from my sweatpants and reminded me to take out the trash on my way out tomorrow morning. I returned her doting sentiment by advising she pick up milk and more cheese sticks tomorrow, since we were out of both and since dairy is the key to my heart. The love scrawled between the lines of our words inevitably led us back to the couch where we quickly dove under a blanket—obviously in order to watch the latest episode of The Voice that we had recorded form the night before. What an episode it was! We were both so exuberant upon its ending that we agreed we deserved an early bedtime right after we treated each other to, you guessed it, ice cream.

what'’s inside

Top Ten: Ways to Please Your Man

nola wants to do some super things with its superdome.

For the ladies tired of their man leaving them with the cold clam.

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We even got a little bad and kinky—and covered it in chocolate sprinkles and caramel sauce!

Decompressing from all that frozen dairy, I wandered aimlessly around the kitchen while she went to bed. By the time I crawled into bed she had fallen asleep, which I didn’t mind. There was love in the air as I crawled next to her, mostly because since she was sleeping and I now exercised the sweet relief of farting.

"Now that’s true love," I thought as I kissed her cheek and fell asleep, my heart all-aflutter with the promise of another fairytale day awaiting me tomorrow.

The One Non-Cynical Article of this issue The Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day…

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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Presumptwous: A college student’s mistaken belief that a spontaneous threesome will occur during his or her college career.

“‘It may have been presumptwous of me to think that I was going to have a threesome with those two girls who sat next to me at Arby’s,' Teddy uttered.”

Meet The Staff campus manager Justin Gawel

photographers Bailey Paskiewicz, Leslie Spector

Advertising ManagerS Andrew Meggert

campus director Quinn Myers

Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Jessica Lee, Thomas Stewart

owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608-712-0900

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if you give new orleans a superdome Zoë Kremke wrote this

​If you give New Orleans a Superdome, it’s going to want to have a Super Bowl. It’s going to get so excited about having a Super Bowl that it will want to make tickets. So you’re going to need to go out and get all of the paper and the ink so that tickets can be made. New Orleans will cut all the paper, write out every single ticket for weeks on end, and make sure every one of them is perfectly printed. Once New Orleans makes all the tickets, it’s going to need to clean up the mess that the ink made. But once it gets started cleaning, it’s not going to want to stop.

After all, the Superdome has to be spotless in order to have a Super Bowl there. So, you’re going to need to go get more cleaning supplies. ​ ew Orleans is going to scrub the Superdome N from top to bottom, not missing a single centimeter as it goes. It’s going to take pride in how shiny and perfect everything is. As soon as the Superdome is clean, New Orleans is going to realize that people will make messes during the Super Bowl with all the food they’ll eat. You’ll have to go to the store to help New Orleans buy all the food for the concessions, and napkins too, because after all, it did just clean the Superdome. Napkins are to the Super Bowl as sketchy vibes are to Baltimore.

After all the food has been purchased and prepared, New Orleans is going to realize there will need to be fans in the stands to eat. So, you need to run around the country with New Orleans in order to make sure there are enough fans to fill the whole Superdome. As soon as that’s done, New Orleans is going to realize that if it has enough fans there, they’ll need teams to cheer for. So you’re going to have to help New Orleans pick out which teams are playing. After much consternation and debate, New Orleans decided that the Ravens and the 49ers were an all right pick, primarily because nobody else was available.

After the teams have been regretfully settled on, New Orleans is going to want to plan a halftime show. New Orleans, understandably so, is a huge fan of Beyoncé, so you’re going to have to help New Orleans personally contact her.

Obviously a phone call wouldn’t be sufficient, so New Orleans will want you to help it get a first class ticket to visit Beyoncé and ask her in person. Once she has agreed to do the halftime show, New Orleans is going to be distraught over the stage situation. It’s going to want this to be the best halftime show in the history of forever, so naturally it’s going to need your help to build a stage with all the bells and whistles. So you have to go to the hardware store to get all the supplies, and then you’ll have to help build the stage. As soon as everything is built, New Orleans is going to be as excited as Ray Lewis after the plea agreement. So excited, in fact, that it overlooks the fact that you’re going to need an inhuman amount of electricity to ensure that everything will work properly.

The day of the Super Bowl, New Orleans is happy with everything, from food to Beyoncé.

Just as the half time show is about to begin, an electricity problem occurs in New Orleans.

So, you’re going to need to help it brainstorm where you’ll find the extra electricity required to run the half time show. New Orleans thinks that it’s probably wisest to kill the lights. At first, New Orleans is upset about it, because the people in the stands don’t look too pleased.

But you reassure it that it’s not that big of a deal, because nobody really cares about these teams anyways. After the power outage was fixed and the Super Bowl was over, New Orleans decided that next year there would need to be an even bigger Super Bowl. New Orleans will want to make it the best Super Bowl ever to make up for this one, so it’s going to want a new Superdome.

You and Your Hand: A Special Valentine’s Day Because You Two Deserve It Meg Enter wrote this We all know that Valentine’s Day is the shittiest holiday in the book of shitty holidays. As if cutesy-couples didn’t make us throw up in our mouths already, there exists a day devoted to repulsive, PDA-laden couplehood and some demonic arrowshooting cherub.

For us lowly singletons there are very few options left as this day of reckoning nears. Sure, you could hit up the Landshark on February 14th and find the most scantily clad freshman to bring back to your love nest for a night of sloppy brownout sex followed by her openly fantasizing about your two-month anniversary and eventual engagement. However, focusing on Numero Uno and letting Valentine’s Day be your personal paradise is the perfect solution to turning couple-y crap into a whole lot of cum in your diary of masturbation.

10:10 a.m.: Unfortunately, Cupid’s birthday this year doesn’t fall on Masturbation Monday. However, this sad excuse for a holiday does fall on the thirstiest of Thursdays, which means you should plan to have a constant champagne buzz during your day devoted to your most reliable significant other—your hand. You treat yourself to some exotic bubbly in the early hours of Valentine’s Day, which puts you in the horniest of moods while you grab some tissues and surf Pornhub for some big-titted MILF action.

12:06 p.m.: Hours ago, you completed a long, hard first round on morning wood that was comparable to a California redwood, but, in reality, your dick was more like the Charlie

Brown Christmas tree. Now, being the innovative masturbator you are, you know it never hurts to get creative while perfecting your personal artisan handjibber, so for round two you decide to go the fantasy route. You pop a chub while imagining your TA’s supple breasts pressed up against a projector. As you chafe your carrot, the power dynamic between you and your TA shifts, and you start giving her the geography lesson about a little place called Pound Town. As you’re about to release that hot, thick, self-love load, you imagine her spouting out some oddly sexual factoid about the superior chemical properties of your jizzum compared to the other, less-gifted students in her recitation section.

1:45 p.m.: Passing out from consuming copious amounts of champagne while physically exhausting your right arm is inevitable. You spend the next several hours snoring on the couch with your pants around your ankles, a damp, calcifying sock next to you, and a Maury marathon on TV; if there’s more to Valentines Day than this, you don’t want to know 7:12 p.m.: You wake up to the sound of the front door unlocking. Panicked, you rush to put your pants back on before your roommate walks in on you and your flaccid penis that’s been on the loose for a few hours now. You’re successful in covering your dong but you can see the leering suspicion in your roommate’s eyes as he registers the discolored dress sock, plate of nachos, and laptop open to a website called “Fear and Boning in My Anus.” Clearly, he’s putting together the clues in this not-so-mysterious mystery. Perhaps out of pity, he drops

the subject and notifies you that his girlfriend is coming over later for fondue or some stupid couple boring bullshit.

9:05 p.m.: After downing another bottle of champagne, you decide to take your Valentine’s Day party-of-one into the bedroom so you can get nice and cozy in bed around the same time your roommate will be banging his moronic girlfriend into a Cupid-and-candy-heart-induced coma. You light a plethora of candles to remind yourself that you are all you’ll ever need before continuing along the path of completing the perfect fap sesh. And with that, your day of self-appreciation is complete; you gently fall asleep reminding yourself to un-stick your socks from the carpet tomorrow morning.

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Ways to Please Your Man

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, many ladies out there are bound to be searching for new ways to spice things up in the bedroom. After months of the same boring, missionary sex, your man has become slightly uninterested—you see it in the way he watches Food Network instead of watching your bodacious boobs bounce up and down. This is a real problem, women! Solution: we’re taking a page out of Cosmo’s book and compiling a list of ways to keep your man’s attention on you instead of Barefoot Contessa.

10.) Tie Him Up: This has been used as a sex act for centuries, but we’re putting a twist on it.

Don’t just tie him up for sex—tie him up for a couple days. This way, after half a week without food or general provisions, not to mention wallowing in his own crapulence, anything you do for him will be pleasing.

a catfish valentine's day Hannah Borland wrote this Catfish: (n.) A person who pretends to be someone else. using the Internet to meet romantic interests by creating fake Facebook profiles or false information on dating websites.

Almost exclusively male, i.e. “My god, it’s a dude.

Why, is it always a dude?”

She was my one true love. I didn’t care what people said about falling in love on the Internet; Lila Cookie Stevens was my everything, my dream, my soul mate. She was perfect. She was beautiful, intelligent, and both a Virgo and a Sagittarius. She wrangled at aardvark rodeos for a living, but was well-rounded enough to film commercials for feminine hygiene products on the side. Finally—and this was the clincher for me—she ran her own charity that trained pit bulls to teach children with Parkinson’s how to play the maracas: a task most of the kids seemed to already have the rhythm for.

Long story short: she was my dream girl and I was going to meet her.

It had taken me six months and thousands of texts and Facebook chats, but I had finally convinced her to go to dinner with me at the local California Pizza Kitchen. I know, bitches love CPK. I told her I’d be the one in the orange flannel shirt and purple bucket hat, because that outfit best personified the quirky, spunky, and fun personality I had outlined on Match.com.

She told me she’d be wearing cowboy boots and a white skirt, because she’d just be getting done filming a commercial. I couldn’t wait for her to get there so I could tell her how much I loved Mumford & Sons, how many times I’d seen Pulp Fiction, and where I had shot all of my black and white city photography. There I was, sitting, waiting for the great love of my life to show up, fresh off advocating the absorption claims of Tampax tampons. And that’s when she arrived.

From her profile pictures, she looked like a hybrid of Katy Perry, Megan Fox, and a sexy member of Slipknot.

What was sitting across from me appeared to be

only a member of Slipknot.

“Uh…hi.” I said, “I’m actually waiting for-“ “I’m Lila!” the corpse-painted, clearly-a-dude exclaimed as brightly as Christmas lights on a pedophile’s lawn.

“No, I don’t think you are.” I looked around, hoping to see my girl laughing at the prank she pulled on me, playful as ever.

“Okay,” the so-painfully-obviously-a-dude drawled, “I guess I’m not the brunette Barbie you were expecting, but don’t pretend like you haven’t told me some lies either. There’s no way you breed chinchillas as a hobby, have a working jetpack, and are actually Detroit rapper Big Sean.”

“Yes I do, yes I do, and yes I am,” I shot back, and then added, “Not that I care what you think, as you are not Lila.”

“Big Sean! I can’t believe you’d say-“ “You’re a guy! A man-card carrying, snausagetoting guy! You’re not who I’ve been talking to!”

It was then that Lila Cookie Stevens went on to explain to me that she was, in fact, Steve. So he hadn’t been totally false. It really touched me that not everything was a lie, and we ended up agreeing to split a Hawaiian pizza and talk. After all, we had been in love for six months and I had put my email in his inbox, if you know what I’m saying. We had a connection that was more than just Ethernet.

We chatted IRL for hours, until agreeing to exchange the Valentines we had brought for one another. Mine read, “I’ve got more than a hard drive for you. Be mine.” Steve’s was even sweeter, saying, “Let me plug my wireless mouse into your USB port”.

And yes, I did take that bait. Much like Kanye West, I greatly enjoy fish sticks. Catfish or other.

9.) Ice, Ice, Baby: Throw your man into a bed of ice and don’t let him come out until he’s blue. Then use your body heat to save his life! The parts of his body without permanent tissue damage will send a sensation through him that he’ll never forget!

8.) Go Old School: Show him pictures of your naked grandma (you may need some stealth skills to acquire these). After a few hours of viewing these, show him your naked body and let him repress the liver-spotted, wrinkly, sagging memories through some good ol’ in-and-out.

7.) Cheeseburgers: Throw the common ingredients of a cheeseburger up in your bathing-suit area and have him feast. Whether entwined within a fur burger, or just the classic film featuring Keenan and Kel, no man can turn down a good burger.

6.) Give Him Head: Head of State, that is! Who wouldn’t be aroused by the prophetic, preObama 2003 classic with Chris Rock playing a black president?

5.) Bring the Dog: A dog is man’s best friend, but he doesn’t have to stay in the “friendzone” if you know what I mean. Suggest that Fido join in on the fun tonight. Incorporate peanut butter and you won’t even have to feed the dog tomorrow!

4.) Little People, Big World: Not only is it a hit series on TLC, but an awesome way to keep your man involved. Hire a gang of midgets to have an orgy with you and see if this method will measure up!

3.) Ir-RASH-inal: Dress yourself up like a Roman goddess, but instead of regular vines, use poison ivy from the back yard. After he breaks out, nothing will feel better to him then your gentle scratch.

2.) One-Way Ticket: Take your man to the train yard and bed him down next to the pile of hobo bindles by the tracks. The ground rumbling as the trains pass will heighten the experience of his climax (and it feels pretty nice on the ol’ bean too, ladies).

1.) Bring On the Slime: You guys remember the green stuff from Nickelodeon’s Slime Time Live? Of course you do! Well, grab a couple hundred fluid ounces of this stuff and rain it over the bed right at that moment of release. Not only will he get nostalgic, but he’ll also dig the way you look in green.

cody manthei wrote this

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

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What was your last thought before going to bed?

“I wish I was more awake for this Trailer Park Boys movie.”

- Ben J., Senior

“Shit, I have tons of homework and studying to do, but I’d rather catch some zzzz’s” - Joann R., Junior

“Yay, I found a cool spot in my bed!”- Clara L., Senior

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The One Non-Cynical Asshole Article in this Issue about Valentines!

Alex Everard wrote this Hey, guys—it’s almost Valentine’s Day, what are your plans!? Yeah, yeah, I know, I used to hate on Valentine’s Day a lot, but that was the old me. You know, the me who used to sit around on r/ Atheism all day and listen to Modest Mouse on repeat. But now, well, I’m sure you’ve heard, or maybe you noticed my new profile picture and relationship status on Facebook, but now I have a girlfriend!

That’s right! Say goodbye to the old, lonely guy who had one-night-cuddling-stands (before eventually breaking down and buying a body pillow) and tripped ‘shrooms on Valentine’s Day last year. Ha! I won’t be hallucinating dinner at Applebee’s with Satan this year! No, sir-ee! This year, my snuggle-bear and me are totally going out. That’s right, you heard me—a real date at a restaurant that doesn’t accept Sparty Cash!

Before you get on my case let me just say this: this is the real deal. I’m head-over-heels-over-balls in love. This isn’t like that time when that one night-harlot tricked me into doing it with her by saying, “it’s not sex if you don’t finish” (I looked it up later—it totally still is). Or it’s not like that time when that other girl mounted me in my sleep and promised me Doritos Locos tacos if I just “shut my eyes and went with it.”

In hindsight, those times were probably definitely not love. But this time, oh boy, this time it definitely is L-U-H-V-E. Let me just explain the transformation my life has undergone, and then maybe you’ll understand.

See before, when I was “ridin’ solo,” as the hip kids say, I convinced myself I was happy. I would fill my time with selfish things like sleeping, drinking alcohol, and admiring myself in polished metals.

Sounds like the life, huh? “Too much of a good thing becomes a desperately lonely and sad thing,” as Winnie The Pooh once said after gorging himself on seventeen pots of honey and two packs of unfiltered menthols in an airport strip club. Before long, I started longing for companionship and emotion—the kind that you can’t get from drunkenly sharing a slice of mediocre pseudo-pizza on a Thursday night at Rick’s before drunkenly sharing a slice of mediocre pseudo-sex sometime shortly thereafter.

That’s when I met her: my dream girl… literally. I had a dream about her, and then I met her in real life. Except in the dream she was way taller and had way more arms, legs, cyborg claws, and three vaginas, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is this: we were made to be together

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and this year, for the first time in what seems like my entire life, I have a Valentine! I know I used to say things like, “It’s a made-up, bullshit, fairy-tale, fuck-nut’s holiday,” but now it’s the greatest day of the year!

I can’t wait to walk down the street and hold her hand while we look at all the single people and smile like we’re both in on an inside-joke and knowing that they wish they were as happy as we are. Then, I’m going to walk right into Moe’s, buy her a stacker, get down on one knee and make her promise to never, ever, leave me ever in her life because, if she ever does, I will cry for the rest of my miserable existence and probably flee to begin my sad existence as a pill-popping prostitute in the world’s sluttiest country: Italy. I’LL BE MISERABLE AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT I HATE YOU.

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$3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts

MON, 2/11

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

TUES, 2/12

Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots

$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

WED, 2/13

$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.!

9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

GET SEXY FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!

CHECK OUT OUR EXCEPTIONAL CUTS!

205 M.A.C AVE | (517) 897-1499 2843 E. GRAND RIVER | (517) 332-5477

SATURDAY: Martini Night 6-close Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close

Monday - Friday!

Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Specials Run 7 Days A Week Open-Close!

Go Green!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 2/6

Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys

$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THURS, 2/7

Goombas Pizza Fest!

6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands

Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 2/8

Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close

Come try our Green Meanie!

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!

SAT, 2/9

Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362

$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 2/10

Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362

Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 2/11

NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY

Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 2/12

Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 2/13

21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY

21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY

DOWNLOAD OUR APP AND GET THESE SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE! MORE BARS COMING EVERY WEEK!

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week amanda harrison roadhouse Age: 24

Favorite drinking game: Flip Cup

Major: Nursing

Artisan handjob or blowjob: Hands down—hand job.

Nickname: Mandy Relationship Status: Taken Bar Pet Peeve: Snapping Hangover cure: Panchero’s Worst Shot: Jim Beam Who was the last person you drunk dialed: Mom

Personal theme song: “Party in the USA” - Miley Cyrus One Direction, N*SYNC, or Boyz II Men: Boyz II Men for sure.

Valentine’s Day Plans: Nada, none, zilch, zero.

Describe Harrison Roadhouse with hashtags: #awesome

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Hockey fans everywhere are boozing hard and celebrating the end of the lockout. At the same time, the bandwagon fans are still asking what a lockout is. Pregaming with some puck guarantees a great night.

Everyone has experienced that awful moment at the pregame when you realize you brought the booze but forgot the chaser. Forget the two liter of Sprite and add some sweet flavor to your cheap, crappy vodka in a different way. Cavity vodka is a great way to get rid of that Burnett’s laying in your freezer you have yet to have the desire to drink or even look at.

What You’ll Need: A fifth and a case for every 2-3 players.

Number of Players: As many as you can find who truly like hockey.

So, not many.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll have a nice buzz on before the last one sounds.

What You’ll Need: A handle of plain Burnett’s or any cheap vodka and a bag of your favorite kind of fruity or sour candies (Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, Mike and Ikes, Starburst).

Cook Time: At least 24 hours. Be patient.

Fatty Factor: Won’t cause you any heart attacks, but you should probably visit your dentist soon.

How To Play: - Take a shot of beer for every offside or icing call.

- Beer bong or shotgun a beer for every fight.

- Chug five seconds for every minute of penalty.

- Take a shot at the end of every period.

- Take a shot of beer for every shot on goal.

- Take a shot for every goal.

- Take two shots for every time the goalie accidentally knocks the puck in.

- Take a shot for every goal your team won or lost by.

Let’s Get Baked: - Place the candy at the bottom of a large container or sort out evenly into smaller containers.

- Pour vodka into the containers over the candy, leaving at least three inches at the top.

- Shake the container well.

- Let the container sit for at least a day; however, you will get better results if you let it sit longer, but no longer than one week.

- Shake the container once in awhile so the candies’ flavors can continue to mix well with the vodka.

- Drink up!

Pregame With Some Puck

The Game Ends When: When the game ends. Duh.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Cavity Vodka

The only restriction is not to use any chocolate candies.

That’s just gross, man.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

how i met your mother ...on facebook graph search.

Kids, it was winter of 2013, when I met your mother. After a rough night spent at Cindy’s apartment, I knew the girl I was after, but only had a few clues to track her down. Something about the mystery behind your mom enticed me, we were so compatible, yet I had never met her. I knew she lived in New York, and hoped she was single, but nothing else. It’s an impossible feeling to describe – knowing the love of your life is so close, but impossibly far at the same time. Marshall and Lily were blessed to find each other in their youth, but I was growing older and lonelier by the second.

While preparing for yet another night of futile Google and Facebook searches for “Where is the one I love,” “How to avoid being alone forever,” and “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you” Facebook alerted to me to their newest feature: Graph Search. It told me I could find just about anyone based on their interests, who they’re loosely associated with, and where they have been.

Kids, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! All I had to do was let Facebook find all the single girls in New York. So, let me tell you how I met your mother…

The glow of my laptop dimmed as did my hopes of finding my future wife. Should I stop here, give up my search, and dig out the naked pictures of Robin I stashed away so many years ago?

No! This is the quest for true love. This is the woman I love, the woman who will give me two children, raise them with me until they’re roughly teenagers, then make herself scarce for the next eight years as I tell those children the story of how I met her. She won’t have kids to weigh her down, or an exhusband who will steal her away from me at the altar, and she won’t dress up like a slutty pumpkin and leave me hanging at the same damn Halloween party year after year.

I’ve silently waited around for girls my whole life, been the nice guy, done incredibly creepy things for them that seem romantic because I emphasize words like “future” and “fate.” I had to dig into my inner-Mosby mole. I had to find my one true love.

That’s it! I know what I should do! I should just search what I like, because my future wife will like all the things I expect her to!

Females in New York who are 28, college educated, likes dogs, North Carolina, bass guitar, the New York Times crossword, tennis, old movies, lasagna, Love in the Time of Cholera, Otis Redding, and wants a boy and a girl in the near future.

After sifting through hours worth of girls who just didn’t seem to be the right fit – didn’t feel right in my heart -- I decided I had to narrow it down. But how? How was I ever to find my future wife in the largest city in the world? Then I remembered the three objects I had picked up in Cindy’s apartment in a futile attempt to show her how compatible we were. No longer did I have to find out a person’s interests through actual conversation! No need to hang around local bookstores waiting for a girl to show up and miraculously start proclaiming her love for T.C. Boyle, no need to plan elaborate two minute dates with some girl just to see if they like Star Wars as much as me! All I had to do was lock myself in my room, pop on the perfect song to make an otherwise meaningless moment meaningful, and find my future wife on the computer!

Then, kids, I had a stroke of genius! I added another filter – I’m friends with Cindy and she must be too! So I searched that those girls should be friends, or friends of friends, with Cindy!

So there she was, kids. Facebook had led me to your mother. What was going to be another night of dry-pumping and subsequent crying, turned into the night Facebook found me the perfect woman – one who meets and exceeds my excruciatingly high standards. A woman who won’t like me for me, but will like me because she is me.

How am I supposed to find true love in such a wide pool? I must be able to narrow it down, I must dig deeper. There must be more to my true love than these three simple interests. Surely I’ve been interested in people with personalities that take more than three words to describe? If only I had snapped a picture of her ankle then done a reverse image search - No! Get your head straight Mosby!

we interview: justin grant wade We caught up with STEVE HOLT!... er, Justin Grant Wade, the actor who play(s/ed?) Steve Holt in the greatest show in history, Arrested Development. We had a few cocktails and the interview ran long, so be sure to check out the extended version online to see who he thinks is funnier: David Cross or Will Arnett, what the set of Greek was like, and if he ever banged Maeby. By: Quinn The Black Sheep: How long were you an actor before you got the role of Steve Holt?

Justin Grant Wade: I started acting after my mom and dad were notified by my baseball coaches (and noticed themselves) how much I was a knucklehead on AND off the baseball field growing up. My mom decided to sign me up for acting class around the age of twelve. It was a summer kids course at the South Coast Repertory. I was terrified at first but then quickly adapted and continued to take classes there for many years. After that, I attended the Orange County High School of the Arts in California. That's where I began to grow and appreciate the arts. I didn't start "professionally" acting, though, until the age of 14 or 15. And by that I mean going out for TV shows and movies, having a manager and agent and whatnot.

TBS: What was the audition process? Did they just ask you to say “Steve Holt!” Or did you have more lines?

JGW: Funny story. Life comes around, man. I got the call from the casting director from Arrested. They were having trouble casting the role. A casting director that had worked with the casting of Frasier and many other shows I had auditioned for mentioned my name. She had seen me in a production at South Coast Repertory (that's why I never knock theater!). They had already had four or five audition rounds when I showed up. It came down to a short brown haired kid with a mop top, about a 6'5" Asian fellow in a varsity jacket, and me. You could hear everyone’s reading through the walls but of course couldn't see. Pretty much everything you see in “Bringing Up Buster” from season one was read. It seemed as though there wasn't a lot of laughing. I went last. Six people looking at me. Never met ‘em before that day. All of a sudden I'm doing my read and they're laughing - even after the audition. We said our goodbyes and a LONG 3 days of anticipation later, I had the part. The industry's funny like that.

TBS: What are some projects you're working on right now?

JGW: Right now I'm continuing to audition and keep on acting. I’ve been working on some writing stuff with some buddies of mine. They're in the industry, and kind of all over the place so it's fun to have actors, writers, dp's, directors and producers all coming together to write and they all have something else to bring to the table. But until then, the new Arrested project is a big goal and that's fine with me.

TBS: How did the Save Steve Holt campaign begin, and where has it gone since? Has it been successful?

JGW: I guess I have to start with the latter of the questions. I do know what will be going on with Steve Holt. UNFORTUNATELY, myself, and you included my dear friend Quinn, will be kept from knowing. Think of it as we're the rubber suit guys from American Horror Story and we can't unzip our creepy fetish shit until May. The SSH campaign pretty much began as a joke with my buddy Robert Adamson. He's a fantastic visual/artistic designer and fan of Arrested.

He REALLY wanted to get me back on the show at all costs, so he designed the site with our buddy Nick Blancharte. I pretty much sat in the wings while they created t-shirt designs, an entire website, art pieces, business cards, etc... It was crazy. All of a sudden, I wake up one morning and he's texting me that we've already been in the Huffington Post, CNN, and a bunch others. Our Facebook fans shot from 60 or so to 2,000. The web can be nutty sometimes. None of us expected that.

Next thing you know we're shipping t-shirts from AZ to NY to Australia.

TBS: I imagine people constantly shout "Steve Holt" at you, what's the most awkward encounter you've had with a "STEVE HOLT!" fan?

JGW: The funniest would have to be on a treadmill at the gym one time with my gal pal, Brooke. We were finishing up a good work out and we hear something. She said, "Did someone just yell?" Then we hear it more clearly, “STEVE HOLT!!!!" We turned near the door and there were two dudes with shocked faces that were giggling like little girls.

I laughed and waved. They gave me the obligatory "Right on, man!" and quickly bounced.

Brooke then turned to me and asked, "Do you know who that was?!" I

said, "I don't know. Obviously a big fan of the show!" She laughed and said, "Yeah! But that was (some guy I can't remember his name). He's the one that was obsessed with me and asked me to homecoming like 3 years in a row!" I did remember then, and we had a good laugh. Seeing how we went to high school together.

TBS: What was your most memorable on-set moment?

JGW: A few good ones – too many to count though. Definitely having the conversation with Alia [Shawkat]’s mom and Michael Cera's mom before I kissed her daughter. Ali's first kiss EVER was Michael. I was 19 or so at the time, and was watching from the back of the auditorium we were filming in, unbeknownst to me that the lovely parents were sitting in the row directly in front of me. They asked, "And who do you play?" I said, "STEVE HOLT!" They laughed and said, "Oh wow. So YOU'RE the one that'll be kissing my little girl! I'm keepin’ an eye on you!" She was of course kidding (but not really) [laughs]. It went off without a hitch and we all know how the kissing cousins ended up... until the new season.

See his second favorite moment on theblacksheeponline.com! It has to do with David Cross!

valentine's cards!

As a child it was hard to tell your crush that you "choo-choo-choose" him, or you want her to "bee yours," but that's why there were cheap, perforated pieces of cardboard to do your work for you. As we've grown, our tastes have changed, but our childish demeanors have remained the same.

We wanted these Valentine's Day cards to reflect that.

the madlib: my valentine’s day I may not have a significant other today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a kick-___1___ Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s just another ___2___ or whatever the hell day it even is. I have my own traditions that I don’t need no ___3___ tearin’ up my ___4___ and shit, not to mention my ___5___ .

I start my day like any normal ___6___ -esque badass like myself would start a day, with a ___7___-wrapped ___8___ and a side of ___9___ chips drizzled with ___10___ , and, for dessert, ___11___ and ___12___ pie.

Then I head to my favorite bar, The

___13___ ___14___ . It doesn’t take long before I down a shot or 12 of ___15___ , start groping the ___16___ bartender and shouting on about ___17___ and ___18___ ’s-rights.

I end my morning over to the strip club, The ___19___ ___20___. I always get a dance from my girl ___21___ ___22___ , my precious girl. I rarely make it long at the strip club because I’ve never been good at holding my liquor. Good ole’ bouncer ___23___ who could be ___24___ ’s scarier twin gets me a cab, and I make my way home. I roll a fatty of ___25___ , put on some porn, and spend the rest of my day in heaven. I love Valentine’s Day.

1) Body Part 16) Old Age 2) Weekday 17) Controversial 3) Derogatory Political Topic Female Term 18) Group of 4) Body Part People 5) Vital Organ 19) Color 6) Action Star 20) Ocean 7) Deli Meat Animal 8) Cut of Steak 21) Month 9) Flavor 22) Yoga 10) Dressing Position 11) Exotic Fruit 23) Simple 12) Type of Meat Name 13) Hair Color 24) Famous 14) Nationality Black Actor 15) Fruity 25) Weed Name Liqueur

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