The Black Sheep FR
EE
... l fr ike t om h wi at b ls ike on w ha e s ll. to le
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 5 9/26/12 -10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
Conversations That Must Have Happened: An MSU Board of Trustees Meeting Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this
The Board of Trustees meeting: Deep inside a torch-lit Breslin Center. Each trustee who enters dons their ceremonial Illuminati hat before simultaneously spitting on an orphan and throwing a puppy out the third story window. The athletic director enters, clad in his jeweled robes, delicately tapping his golden, Spartan-topped cane on the floor to announce his presence. The Chairman bangs the gong, and the meeting is called to order as the trustees sit around a large round table. The athletic director takes the floor, lofting the speaking conch above his head as a slain lamb turns slowly on a spit that has been specially built in the center of the table. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here today to discuss the matter of financial burden on this great, green university. The first issue: our salaries.” The engineering department director stands and is given the conch. “Why do we always have to vote to increase our salaries? It’s so trivial. I move that to save time, our salaries increase automatically every month.” A loud “Here here!” echoes throughout the hall. Suddenly furious knocking is heard. The large oaken doors are opened, and a squat, out-of-breath man shambles into the meeting. “Did you guys forget to tell me we were having a meeting again? This is getting ridiculous. I’ve been on the High Council for six years.” The athletic director looks away, a bored scowl on his face. “Oh yes, our apologies, Library Director. Take your seat, we’ve agreed to raise our salaries again.” The library director goes to his place at the table, but doesn’t sit down. “Listen. The library needs more money.” The trustees raise their crystal shot glasses of Jack Daniels and yell “drink!” before downing them. The library director looks around, confused, but continues. “As I was saying, there’s not enough room for books. The money-” “Drink!” yells the athletic director as the trustees again slug their booze. The library director begins to get incredulous. “Wait, are you all playing a drinking game!?” The athletic director bellows “Drink!” before finishing his bourbon. He belches loudly, then adds with a chuckle, “What’s wrong with that? With great power comes great debauchery. Speaking of which, the director of housing had a perfectly diabolical idea that he pitched to me during the orgy after our last giant panda hunt. What was that again?”
The housing director receives the conch. “Fellow board members, what’s the first thing you think when you walk into a dorm?” Nervous murmuring is heard, as well as various trustees mumbling that they’ve never actually been in a dorm. “Exactly! There’s too much room! So I realized, why not just fill that extra space with another student? We could minimize space while cutting costs, and then spin some tale to the students about compensation for their troubles through a measly return on their housing payment.” “That’s brilliant!” responds the director of culinary services. “Just like how we saved boatloads of cash by using 70% less meat in well, everything in the cafeterias! With help from the biology department, we were able to replace the lost mass with recycled paper. Student taste polls barely noticed the difference, going from… Just kidding! Who cares what they think!” Thunderous applause is heard as the trustees toast their achievements with Schnapps and top-shelf vodka.
what’s inside
The arts director now stands, dressed in what looks like the bastard child of Lady Gaga and Professor Trelawney making love to a badly-sheared sheep. “Members, please don’t forgot to pose for your face sculpture after the meeting, so that we can begin work on Mount Trustmore. Also, we’ll need to raise tuition again. Personal monuments don’t fund themselves, you know.” Glasses clink in approval as the trustees each swig a foaming pint of ale. Not much else is remembered about that meeting, except that immediately after a game of high-stakes strip poker, an argument arose over which LOST character would be the best in the sack. When the trustees finally sobered up several weeks later, they noticed to the glee of the athletic director that the stadium had gained a new scoreboard, something the trustees had no memory of approving but were pleased with all the same.
The Black Sheep's Overly Specific October Horoscopes
On Telling Your Family You Write for The Black Sheep
Er...a journal! We swear, it's a journal!
Well, about as specific as every other horoscope out there.
those are tears of happiness, trust us...
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page 5
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Signs You Should Quit Your University Job: A diary
page three
Sexy Anagrams
Ark As Hi
Do you know who these hotties are?
Rich Mesh Throws last week’s answers
Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe
WHOA! What are you guys doing back there?
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Meet The Staff campus managers Ziev Beresh & Justin Gawel
photographer Bailey Paskiewicz
Advertising ManagerS Victoria Bujny, Andrew Meggert Zach Martin, Michael Zalewsky
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli distribution manager Cara Stevens
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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(Want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Castrabate:
A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship. “Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
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Signs You Should Quit Your University Job: A Diary Hannah Borland wrote this September 2nd: Dear Diary, I’m so excited. Finally, my first day is here and I’m a member of MSU’s finest: Facilities and Maintenance. I’m sure it will be so much better than working in the cafeteria—no more uneaten food or creepy, forced hugs from Dishroom Dylan. September 2nd: Diary— Wow, my first day was actually solid. I moved old bedsprings for six hours, a job a lesser man might have shied away from. Being here is like military duty— my coworkers are my comrades-in-arms and Wonders Hall is our battlefield. We ride in like cavalry to save residents from the terrors of shaved hair shrapnel, mess hall messes, and the blitzkrieg of vomit in the bathrooms each weekend. The only downside was that I didn’t get to carry a walkie-talkie—then I’d be like special ops! September 5th: Today I wear my first battle scar. It’s only a bruise from getting hit in the head while trying to build a loft for two helpless, giggling freshmen girls, but I will wear it as a badge of honor, as Mel Gibson wore his Baseball Fury face paint. September 10th: Dear Diary, I finally got to carry a walkie today! Unfortunately, my supervisor, or “Oh captain, my captain,” as he likes to be called, took it away after an hour because he was, “too fucking hungover to listen to pirate babble any longer.” He also told me to stop showing up to work a half hour early. Obviously, he’s concerned that MSU will reward my hustle and unreward his lack of hustle. September 14th: Dear Diary, I got paid today! Not quite as much as I was expecting, but money means I’m not fired, right? Guess I didn’t realize how little I was being paid to plunge latrines, wage war against ants, and clean the “all too friendly” fire off the shower walls in the men’s rooms. Like the military—you’re paid, but it’s the service you do for others that really matters. "Sir, yes, sir,” it is a privilege be on duty for this university and I will take my compensation without complaint!
September 22nd: I was really off my game today. Contracted some type of pathogen after eating at the Gallery and it’s torn through my bowels like Bill Cosby through Jell-O puddin’. Suspecting chemical warfare, I called to explain my liquid predicament to our platoon leader. It looks like I’ll be serving tonight with a side of cramps and a lot of “tours of doody” to the bathroom. This may be my elegy, my swan song. Wait, I can’t shirk my duty - this school needs me, and I will pay my debt to the students. I owe them for their silent thanks, which no one but myself hears, as well as their selfless and constant urinating in the elevator which maintains my job security. September 23rd: Dear Diary, today, I consider leaving active duty. I know it would be a selfish decision that’d be detrimental to my coworkers, but alas, they are the reason for my discomfort on the job. You see after reporting for duty while medically unfit, I was called upon to help move some couches. The strain from lifting caused me to unceremoniously surrender control of my bowels in front of another soldier, who quickly used his walkie-talkie to alert the squad of this. I assume he did so to get assistance for my precarious health situation but no one came. Since then I have been avoided by all of them, and my hours have been cut from a robust twelve to a paltry six. Now, I elect to move on, for I am a plague on MSU’s Facilities team. Perhaps I’ll ride as a veteran back to cafeteria duty, where my people are, and where an uncontrolled bowel movement is not unacceptable.
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The Black Sheep's Overly Specific October Horoscopes ziev and justin wrote this ARIES: The start of colder weather combined with the beginning of fall trends leads you to assume that chapped lips and hard nips are in this year. You’re wrong though; chapped lips and hard nips are in every year. Like leggings. TAURUS: The unexplained happens as you’re drawn to watching a sitcom about gay guys adopting babies. You deny watching the show to your friends, but they soon catch on as you start taking better care of your skin. GEMINI: A cafeteria binge leaves you incapacitate with a taco-demon reeking havoc in your stomach. You attempt to perform an “exorcism” of this bad karma by overdosing on laxatives, and the suffering evens it out. CANCER: The results of your last exam have induced a buying spree of 5-Hour Energy, Adderall, and salted caramel mochas in preparation for your upcoming exam. Unfortunately, your “broom hand” is too jittery to fill out the scantron. LEO: This Sweetest Day, single you is visited by your ghosts of girlfriends past. True to character, they all show up drunk, crying, and you know, dead. VIRGO: You give the trick-ortreaters a scare when you open the door wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and loincloth. You may have dressed down for Halloween, but we recommend dressing up for your impending court date.
LIBRA: You fall victim to Olin’s business ploy/Devil’s Night prank when you use one of the condoms they covered with pepper and poked a hole in. Stay hydrated. SCORPIO: Congrats, the sultry looks you’ve been giving your T.A. have paid off, and after class she rewards you with a “hay ride” and trip to her “petting zoo.” Hopefully, for your sake, you’re into involving animals in your sex life and women with mustaches made out of hay. SAGitTARIUS: Your new diet of Captain, cider, and donuts has you leaving spooky, smelly farts haunting all the rooms you have class in. The same kind of farts from which Slimer originated. CAPRICORN: Haunted houses no longer frighten you, as you brave a much more frightening quest and take a dump at Rick’s.
AQUARIUS: You fear a rip in the space-time continuum has happened during the weekend of the thirteenth, but then you just realize that all these people saying that they are “you in twenty years” are just alumni coming back for homecoming. PISCES: This fall the falling leaves fall in line with you falling in love with a little fault called alcoholism as you fall off the wagon once and for (f)all.
The Top 10
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Places to Bang on Campus As a devoted reader of The Black Sheep, raunchy sexual encounters are part of your daily ritual. But when your love-nest is that twin XL bed five inches away from the ceiling, sometimes deviating from your routine of bumpin’ uglies on a rotting mattress is necessary to get your love juices flowing. Here are some places in East Lansing that can do just that! 10) The Study Lounge: This location is a go-to for amateurs, a.k.a.: freshmen. But once chicks catch wind of you pleasing Jessica on the windowsill, they’ll totally crave the same treatment. Totally. 9) The Dance Floor at Rick’s: Anyone who has been to Rick’s is well aware of the crude acts that take place there: tongue slathering, tugging, gyrating, and so forth. It’s time to up the ante and go for full-on fornication. Most other patrons will either be too drunk to notice or will be cheering you on. 8) On The Hood of a Random Car: So you’ve met a fine young gentleman to take home to the ‘rents over Thanksgiving break. What “How we met” story could impress the relatives more than detailing your romantic ass prints on a 98’ Corolla? 7) Fee Hall: For those of you who don’t know, Fee Hall houses deceased persons for the Division of Human Anatomy. We’re not suggesting you bang a cadaver, but if banging in a building that houses cadavers gets you going, this is your best option. And, we’re not quite sure where else you would satisfy that fetish. 6) The Planetarium: You can finally use your, “Baby, I wanna show you the stars tonight” line, and actually mean it. Like an indoor stadium, unpredictable weather will not keep you from reaching the end zone today, friends. 5) On the Banks of the Red Cedar: Painting the rock, eating Dairy Store ice cream, and underage drinking are longstanding traditions at MSU. Crushing some ass by the Red Cedar needs to be added to this list as well. 4) The Bathroom at Menna’s: Sick of waiting for your Master Dub? Grab a partner and make a dash for the restroom. Someone may be making room for their order in the stall next to you, but that’ll just help muffle the rhythmic thumping coming from your own. Pro Tip: Ranch is an acceptable lube in this state. 3) The Library: Let’s be honest, the only reason most students go to Club Lib is to socialize and study the nearby booty-talent. Acknowledge why you’re really there and make a new “slutty buddy” in the stacks. 2) Botanical Gardens: This pick is for all of you sweethearts out there. Besides being the one truly romantic location on this list, it should also be considered a sanctuary for beautiful lovemaking (i.e. boring, unorgasmic sex). 1) Spartan Stadium: When your days at MSU are long behind you, little Timmy will beam with pride knowing he was conceived on the 50-yard line. Just don’t mention that you didn’t remember Mommy’s name that night, and that she later berated you for “pulling out too late.”
Andrew Rickerman wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite fall activity? "Tailgating, especially with parents. Free food, free beer, free laughs." - Spencer D., Sophomore
"Besides cider and rum? Uncle John’s Cider Mill." - Sarah M., Senior
"I like hayrides." - Lauren G., Sophomore
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Family Heritage:
The Black Sheep and Whale Hunting Cody Manthei wrote this “Call me Ishmael!” is what my grandfather, John Hannah (yep, the guy with the creepy statue in front of the Administration building), used to shout as his Alzheimer's was setting in. His life spanned almost a century on this planet, but he died just three days short of turning one hundred years old. Most of his life was boring, but he knew his shit about some things. Especially whale shit. He considered himself a man of the sea, even though he spent a majority of his life in the landlocked wasteland commonly referred to as “South Dakota.” Nevertheless, he loved the ocean and he was an avid hunter, mostly for deer, loose women, and neighborhood cats. But on one occasion, he managed to venture out of South Dakota and hunt the worlds most dangerous, excuse me, docile game: whales. I bet you’re thinking he just rowed out to the middle of the ocean with a harpoon and stuck himself a big Orca, huh? Don’t be stupid. He had a crew, or rather was part of a crew. He was the lowest member on the totem pole seeing as this was his first and, consequently, last time on a boat. He didn’t know the difference between starboard and Star Wars, but he gladly took on his position of “poop deck hand.” This resulted in a misstep when he began wiping the captain's derrière after his morning shit. Eventually though, Grandpa got his sea legs and a mop, and did his real job.
arsenal. Clip after clip from assault rifles. Grenades being tossed like sacks of dead kittens. The dachshund was yapping at the top of its lungs, fully supporting the cause of the crew. Why else bring a dog on a boat? Rocks were hurled and punches were thrown. After the weapons cache was drained and the smoke cleared, the water revealed the dorsal side of an adolescent sperm whale drifting through the waves completely unharmed. In retrospect, they probably shouldn’t have done all that acid before the hunt, but it was the 70’s, so what could you do?
During his time on the boat, the entire crew was armed to the teeth. They were strapped with assault rifles, grenade launchers, broken beer bottles, ninja ropes, a candlestick, a handful of scary stories, a dachshund (because god-damned autocorrect didn’t recognize “bloodhound” in a correspondence between the first mate and the ship’s vet), a nail gun and a replica of one of the backpack phazers from Ghostbusters. Oh yes, this was rearing up to be a good ol’ fashioned whale hunt!
My grandfather, seeing the ‘spermer without the slightest hint of a wound, grabbed the nearest beer bottle, broke it on the side of the ship, and dove in after his adversary. It was a one-handed, one-nautical hour swim before he caught up, but when he did, he grabbed the creature and shoved the bottle into its left eye—a critical hit! The whale dragged him down nearly 60 meters further before it finally succumbed to lacerations on its brain. Some bubbles floated to the surface, and John Hannah, my grandfather and tripping-balls hero, emerged followed shortly after by his capsized trophy.
On the third day out to sea, the dorsal fin of what was thought to be a narwhal, but what was in fact, a medium-sized sperm whale, surfaced in the distance. Although an “adolescent” porpoise, this motherfucker was gigantic. Naturally, the ship let down her sails and began pursuing the beast. In only a nautical hour’s time, the ship was upon the majestic creature and the crew unloaded their
The crew cheered and sang old sailor tunes as they lassoed the dead thing and started dragging it to shore. By the time they got back, most of the whale’s entrails had been gutted by sharks and the like, but that made no difference to the men. They were proud of their feat. And ever since then, when anybody tries to bring up the great novel by Herman Melville, I say, “Suck a Moby Dick and listen to this whale tale...”
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The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.
$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
SPECIAL NIGHT
WED, 9/26 THURS, 9/27 FRI, 9/28
TUES: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's Wednesday $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 - Pints $3.50 $2.50 – Call Long Drinks Islands Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints 3P.M. BURGER BASH $3.00-–8P.M. Well Drinks $1 Burgers Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Saturday$1 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints (excludes top shelf liqours) $3.00 – Well Drinks 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING Sunday All Day $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Miller MimosasLt, Coors Lt, $3.00 – Pints Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands Shots $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
9pm – Close Every Day
½ Off – Potato Skins Come Party! The Week's Over, Hush Puppies & Onion Rings
THURS: LADIES NIGHT! $3.50 Little Black Dress Vodkas Thursday Friday Saturday $3.501 Pints 31 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $3 Well Liquor DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Donnie D 7
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
14 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
SAT, 9/29
ITS A GREAT DAY TO BE A SPARTAN! $3.50 All Flavored Vodka's $3.50 Captain Morgans $3 Wells and Domestic Beers $3 Soco Lime, $3 Kamikaze Shots DJ BIG MIKE
15
1/2 Off Night The Ice Boxers DJ Juan Trevino
16
22 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
23 STAR FARM
LADIES NIGHT! 28 Little Black 29 Dress Vodkas 30 $3.50 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats $3.50 Pints $3 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
Dublin Square Irish Pub
Rd Lt, Miller Lite, $3.50 Pints327ofAbbott Coors East Lansing MI 48823 Labatt Blue Light For More Information Contact Us: $3.50 Well Liquor (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net DJ Donnie D Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
9
The Whirly Birds
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
21 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
8
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats
Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
SUN, 9/30
Sundays are for Detroit Lions Football!
$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
MON, 10/1
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
TUES, 10/2
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
WED, 10/3
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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205 M.A.C AVE | (517) 897-1499 2843 E. GRAND RIVER | (517) 332-5477
Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
go green, go white! Specials run open-close 7 days a week
SPECIAL NIGHT
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 9/26
Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 9/27
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 9/28
THURSDAY: Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
Go Green! Go White!
All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks
Come try our Green Meanie!
Country Night $1 Pints 6-8 P.M.
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 9/30
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 10/1
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 10/2
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 10/3
Happy Hour Tue-Sun 6-9 P.M. $2 Everything Bar Crawl? Contact Marc@elevatedendeavors.com
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on Telling Your Family You Write for The Black Sheep Zoe Kremke wrote this It’s fall in Michigan - the leaves are turning, everything smells conspicuously like cinnamon, and with the first few weeks of school under your belt, you head home for the weekend. Obviously, this trip is put off for numerous reasons: the shameful lack of liquor-bonging at home, your dad’s proclivity for knock-knock jokes, and, of course, your mom’s menopausal mood swings. You know the start of a new year at college is a time for several things: warming up to (not going to) your classes, getting involved (with new sexual partners), and lots of various experimenting (with party/orgy games like “Find the Peanut Butter” or “Lights Off, Pants Off”). Anyways, dear old Mom and Dad are thrilled that you’re finally ready to come back, and, as per usual, they drill you with questions about everything from your classes to the consistency of your most recent bowel movement. So, you’re not surprised when they ask, “What about that paper you write for?” over waffles and coffee. Alarmed, you fidget in your seat, your palms sweat, and your mind races. Well, poopers, no matter how carefully you pussyfoot around the subject, there’s no avoiding this one—it was bound to come up. Parents want to know everything all the time, but, deep down, you know that all the excuses in the world aren’t going to rescue your innocent family from that “boner-heavy” rant you threw into your last article. So you do what any quick-witted, red-blooded American would do: lie through your teeth and hope that the whole topic blows over. “It’s just a funny paper, guys, it’s totally no big deal.” You insist, using your inner politician to paint the whole situation in a rosier light. They drop it momentarily,
but you know they will be back as their unquenchable thirst for inane details of your life cannot be satiated. Inevitably, they’ve found a copy. Who knows how, they probably drove there in the dead of night to recover the latest edition, they’re just that dedicated to being involved in every aspect of your (frankly, uninteresting, Biggest Loser rerun-filled) life. So they’ve read it and, of course, shown it to your grandparents, who‘ve shown it to your siblings, who have shown it to your therapist, who showed it to your “Monday-Wednesday” dad. Soon the topic of concern of the family isn’t your sixteen and super-pregnant sister, but about how you seem to obsess in explicitly dense prose whilst describing the contours and emotional state of every boner you include in your writing. Talk of you implementing a penname comes up and you dismiss it, claiming that “how dare you think of masking the face of East Lansing’s most prolific boner writer?” Your mother sighs, while Grandma laughs manically in the background. Oh, now it’s getting weird. Overall, it wasn’t too bad. Your father shakes his head in mock-dismay, your mother smoothed her ruffled feathers; yup, it’s the same reaction they gave when you said you were voting for Obama. Once the shell shock wears off, everyone over-emphasizes how incredibly proud they are, and how much they like the “style” of the “whole thing,” even though they may be inwardly cringing and hoping your lexicon is larger than just synonyms for boner/erection/flagstaff/stiffy/ chub/Russian submarine/full blowner.
The next morning, the dust has settled. You’re about to head back to school, a little more seasoned than you were when you left two days before. You glance through your backpack for the stack of papers you had meant to distribute through your dorm later that night, and they’re gone. Presumably, Grandma took them to pass out at her knitting club. You can’t help but feel a little bit reassured that you obviously got your humor from someone, even if it is your bat shit crazy Grandma.
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bartender of the week kirby crunchy's Age: 26
involving a blender
Major: Hospitality Business
Boxers or briefs? Boxer briefs
Relationship status: In a relationship
Bar pet peeve? Customers who snap at me.
Best pick up line: "Can I suck your finger?"
Would you rather have a DILF or jailbait? DILF
Favorite chaser: Redbull
What’s the best line someone’s used to get a free drink from you? "I know Mike."
Ever been involved in a threesome? No Favorite old school cartoon: Bobby’s World Worst drink to make? Anything
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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Parties or bars? Bars Favorite fall drink? Southern Tier Pumking.
Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac'n'cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
Flipping Flippingthe thescript script
so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin' Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tip toe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves for watching. So, as we at The Black Sheep prefer to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, Buffets, and Honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out-matched only by his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
charlie day on america's got talent
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Win or Lose?
Win or Lose?
dave rose on top chef
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, years of athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedule and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of The Night Man Cometh, if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Louie on the bachelorette
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like… good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
junk culture
Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept to finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
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the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you're seven SoCo limes in you're going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you're going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.
7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
answer key
6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself.
5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.
5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I'm Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I'm doing, then I don't care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.
7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal. 8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there. 9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.
3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1
2) What's the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.
4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I'm pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it's legitimate rape.
1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only thing I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”
9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren't the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who-knows-what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It's best to leave it at that though, because any future run-ins with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable.
15 - 21 Points: ExXXperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they've gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that's cool with us. Whether it's a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it's going to be the real deal.
22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren't one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you've got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it'll be a memory you'll look back on fondly.
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