The Black Sheep FR
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... l fr ike t om h wi at b ls ike on w ha e s ll. to le
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 5 9/26/12 -10/3/12
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Conversations That Must Have Happened: An MSU Board of Trustees Meeting Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this
The Board of Trustees meeting: Deep inside a torch-lit Breslin Center. Each trustee who enters dons their ceremonial Illuminati hat before simultaneously spitting on an orphan and throwing a puppy out the third story window. The athletic director enters, clad in his jeweled robes, delicately tapping his golden, Spartan-topped cane on the floor to announce his presence. The Chairman bangs the gong, and the meeting is called to order as the trustees sit around a large round table. The athletic director takes the floor, lofting the speaking conch above his head as a slain lamb turns slowly on a spit that has been specially built in the center of the table. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here today to discuss the matter of financial burden on this great, green university. The first issue: our salaries.” The engineering department director stands and is given the conch. “Why do we always have to vote to increase our salaries? It’s so trivial. I move that to save time, our salaries increase automatically every month.” A loud “Here here!” echoes throughout the hall. Suddenly furious knocking is heard. The large oaken doors are opened, and a squat, out-of-breath man shambles into the meeting. “Did you guys forget to tell me we were having a meeting again? This is getting ridiculous. I’ve been on the High Council for six years.” The athletic director looks away, a bored scowl on his face. “Oh yes, our apologies, Library Director. Take your seat, we’ve agreed to raise our salaries again.” The library director goes to his place at the table, but doesn’t sit down. “Listen. The library needs more money.” The trustees raise their crystal shot glasses of Jack Daniels and yell “drink!” before downing them. The library director looks around, confused, but continues. “As I was saying, there’s not enough room for books. The money-” “Drink!” yells the athletic director as the trustees again slug their booze. The library director begins to get incredulous. “Wait, are you all playing a drinking game!?” The athletic director bellows “Drink!” before finishing his bourbon. He belches loudly, then adds with a chuckle, “What’s wrong with that? With great power comes great debauchery. Speaking of which, the director of housing had a perfectly diabolical idea that he pitched to me during the orgy after our last giant panda hunt. What was that again?”
The housing director receives the conch. “Fellow board members, what’s the first thing you think when you walk into a dorm?” Nervous murmuring is heard, as well as various trustees mumbling that they’ve never actually been in a dorm. “Exactly! There’s too much room! So I realized, why not just fill that extra space with another student? We could minimize space while cutting costs, and then spin some tale to the students about compensation for their troubles through a measly return on their housing payment.” “That’s brilliant!” responds the director of culinary services. “Just like how we saved boatloads of cash by using 70% less meat in well, everything in the cafeterias! With help from the biology department, we were able to replace the lost mass with recycled paper. Student taste polls barely noticed the difference, going from… Just kidding! Who cares what they think!” Thunderous applause is heard as the trustees toast their achievements with Schnapps and top-shelf vodka.
what’s inside
The arts director now stands, dressed in what looks like the bastard child of Lady Gaga and Professor Trelawney making love to a badly-sheared sheep. “Members, please don’t forgot to pose for your face sculpture after the meeting, so that we can begin work on Mount Trustmore. Also, we’ll need to raise tuition again. Personal monuments don’t fund themselves, you know.” Glasses clink in approval as the trustees each swig a foaming pint of ale. Not much else is remembered about that meeting, except that immediately after a game of high-stakes strip poker, an argument arose over which LOST character would be the best in the sack. When the trustees finally sobered up several weeks later, they noticed to the glee of the athletic director that the stadium had gained a new scoreboard, something the trustees had no memory of approving but were pleased with all the same.
The Black Sheep's Overly Specific October Horoscopes
On Telling Your Family You Write for The Black Sheep
Er...a journal! We swear, it's a journal!
Well, about as specific as every other horoscope out there.
those are tears of happiness, trust us...
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