Michigan State - Issue 5 - 9/19/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 9, Issue 5

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/18/13 - 9/25/13

New #Hashtags for MSU Football

BY: Gavin Cormick It’s fall in East Lansing, and some (well, okay, all) may call it the most wonderful time of the year. Campus is alive again with idiots on bikes, Bruce the Horse Cop Horse and his cronies, and of course, tailgate season. Being a Spartan football fan is extremely frustrating, nerve rackingly, but exciting all the same. Some years we’re supposed to suck balls and we end up having a damn good season, others we’re ranked in the Top 15 and end up sucking those balls reserved from previous years (see 2012 season). The hashtag given to this year’s football team is #Chaseit. How long did it take them to come up with that? Did they walk around on a Friday night and pick the first words they heard from a group of girls ripping UV Blue shots? #Chaseit is a subpar effort at best, so why not consider some of these more fitting MSU football hashtags. #YouWantTheD: No matter what happens with our offense, our defense is still really, really good. Like Manna’s after a crazy night kind of good. Through the first two games, Shilique Calhoun had three touchdowns. That’s more than our entire offense has gotten in that same stretch. Let’s just hope that the Spartans can keep defensive coordinator Pat Narduzzi for another season with the work he’s been doing. Can we bribe him? Or is that only cool in the SEC? #CanWepPickUpPabloSanchez?: What would be a good fix for this offense? Pablo Sanchez, king mofo. We all know Pablo

was the first pick in your Backyard Football draft (unless you were a Pete Wheeler guy, which is understandable). Pablo is an all around player and with his speed, throwing, and catching abilities he could play pretty much every position for us. After all, his nickname is “Secret Weapon.” #AtLeastOurCoachIsntFat: Not only is Mark Dantonio the best coach in the Big Ten, but he could also run a mile with out bending over and puking his brains out. Can Brady Hoke ever do a press conference where he’s not catching his breath the whole damn time? More importantly, when’s the last time he could see his own dick? I guess the “Michigan Difference” is the difference between one McDouble and seven of them. #SeventeenMagazineThinksSaddlerIsHot: No, seriously. Seventeen Magazine came out with a poll of the 25 “hottest” college football players and punter Mike Sadler came in at #18. Not only do the ladies think Sadler is a total dreamboat, he can punt a football like a Wheaties box champion. All girls have to say to those stats is that he can punt his balls deep into their end zone anytime. #OurStadiumHasMeltingMoments: Have you ever been three sheets to the wind during a rain delay at a football game, crushed by the lack of scoring going on both in your pants and on the field, and went for a Melting Moments cookie sandwich? ‘Nuff said.

#TheresAlwaysBasketballSeason: Okay, say football season doesn’t turn out the way we all hoped. Instead of playing new years day in Pasadena, we’re playing Middle Tennessee State December 23rd in the Little Caesar’s Bowl. But you know what the beauty of being a Spartan is? There’s ALWAYS basketball season. Let’s

be serious, your own parents have let you down more than Tom Izzo ever has or ever will. Anyone who gets free Mongolian BBQ for life is already a legend in The Black Sheep’s book. We love you Tommy, don’t ever change. Mark, you’re cool too but we want more championships of the national variety.

page 4

page 5

Picking up sicklings outside Olin

A guide to eating healthy in the caf

Nothing says romance quite like some penicillin.

Hint: Limit yourself to under three ice cream cones.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

#Chaseit is a good hashtag, but it just doesn’t encapsulate what MSU football is all about. It falls short. What sounds better: “Dantonio’s going to bang Brady Hoke’s wife this weekend #chaseit,” or “Dantonio’s going to bang Brady Hoke’s wife this weekend #YouWantTheD”? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

page 7

Lou Anna K’s Work Day

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Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_MSU First right answer wins a prize!

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#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_MSU #BadTimesMan

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Last Week’s Answer: Wisconsin’s Bucky the Badger

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_MSU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Dense literary Jester has a brief interview with this hideous claymation man and his pup. Last Week’s Answer: Harrison Ford Falcon

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Picking Up Sicklings Outside Olin Health Center By: Meg Enter Within the newly deemed “North Campus” lies a magical, albeit pregnancy-obsessed free clinic known as Olin Health Center. It’s the place where predominantly freshmen go when they are desperately seeking a doctor’s note to get out of that first CEM 141 exam, the exam that weeds most freshies out of premed and into communications. Little do they know, upon request the Olin physicians will chastise their sick, fornicating souls, and only the lucky ones will escape intimately clutching the one note to rule them all. What Olin lacks in medical prowess, it makes up for in its “sickling” population, making it the perfect pick up destination for those seeking a younger, questionably more infectious prey than the classy dames one would find at good old Richard’s American Cafe. You may be asking yourself why is Olin such a great place to find someone to tickle my pickle? And to answer that, we turn to some classic, tell tale signs that ensure the highest of hook-up success rates. Vulnerability: Okay, so there’s no guarantee that an Olin sickling is going to have daddy issues or just have broken up with the hindrance that is a long time high school boyfriend or girlfriend back home. But for the majority of these approximately 18-year-old sicklings, they will have just recently severed ties with mommy and daddy and have very little idea of how to nurse themselves back to health. That’s not to say us Van Wilders in our mid-twenties know anything about taking proper care of ourselves or others — if we actually still have a dentist we haven’t been to see him in years, we often use borrowed student loan money to pay off other borrowed money, and many of us may have not even been able to keep a Chia Pet alive, let alone a pet or another human. However, confidence is key, and luring a vulnerable

sickling to your pad under the pretense of nursing him or her back to health allows for the possibility of undressing followed by four to seven minutes of grunting. Finally, throw some dirt on that open gash and “promise” a follow-up appointment in the next two to three weeks. Desperation: One thing we have to love about the sicklings is the desperate state in which they find themselves. Let’s look at an example. Take what we’ll call “Sickling A.” Sickling A goes to Olin for a moderate-to-severe head cold that has prevented her from attending her dish room shift in the cafeteria. The bitter, old human resources rep tells Sickling A she needs to obtain a doctor’s note to avoid “possible termination.” Poor, little, naive Sickling A believes if she were to get fired from the caf she’d never find another job, have to move back in with her parents, and life would cease to exist as she knows it. The only possible solution is to get some treatment and a doctor’s note from Olin. Upon arrival, she is unwillingly tested for pregnancy, gonorrhea, and HIV. After she insists none of this is necessary and specifically details symptoms of a head cold, the physician decides to give her a pelvic exam. He refuses to give her a doctor’s note and sends her off with some penicillin. That’s where you come in. Sickling A is frustrated and needs to work off some anger in the form of some cardiovascular, junk-to-junk activity. Plus, you can be certain she’s clean and chocked full of antibiotics. Self-Esteem Issues: We’ll admit it — Olin is no IM West where you can take your pick from a slew of skinny girls who think they’re fat. But what Olin lacks in starving females, it makes up for in those seeking validation. Chances are if a hood rat has an appointment at Olin and isn’t really sick and doesn’t really need a doctor’s note, he or she is far

too health obsessed, has Munchausen’s, or is simply a hypochondriac. Granted, how crazy compared to how hot a potential lay is must be considered, but we’ll assume if you’re in the presence of an eight or higher, an imagined “inner ear problem” isn’t that big of a deal. So lay the moves on that screwball, and let that screwball lay on you… or, more realistically, take their crazy out on you while you lean back and enjoy the probably sadomasochistic ride. No matter what combination and degree of vulnerability, desperation, and self-esteem issues of the sickling you pick up outside Olin, tread lightly as no one wants to inherit a disease, or worse, a clinger. Remember, you’re always busy because of “work” or something else that cannot be cancelled, it’s never a bad idea to use those free Olin condoms your sickling picked up on his or her way out.

A Guide to Eating Healthy in the Cafeteria

The

Top

Ten

Worst Pick-up Attempts By: Cody Manthei

Spartan men are known to resemble Spartacus himself, which is to say they are generally gorgeous with broad shoulders. However, it’s 2013 guys, ladies want a man who puts in a Spartan effort and isn’t as dumb as Brady Hoke. Here are our ten worst pick-up attempts. 10.) “You’re the most beautiful girl in Rick’s right now.”: Chances are, you’re lying. And chances are she’s not the first girl you’ve tried this on. Your best bet to get this creep off your back is to let him buy you a drink, chug it in front of him then call him a pussy before heading to the next bar. 9.) “Girl, does that ass have its own gravitational pull? Because my eyes have been orbiting it all night.”: Female staffers at The Black Sheep said they would respond to this astronomical fail by farting while holding eye contact with whatever nerd would ever utter these words. And yes gentlemen, they’re single! 8.) Anything said with a wingman lurking close behind: If a guy has to rely on another guy to help him get a girl, he probably likes that guy more than he likes any girl. Or he’s in a frat. Either way, guys giving off the wingman vibe are desperation cologne. 7.) “Yeah I’m into video games and stuff. But not the mainstream stuff, more of the indie games. Oh, and yesterday I also went to the gym so I’m not like a nerd or something.”: The ol’ Ramblin’ Man. A guy that talks about his interests for fifteen minutes while managing to be a huge fucking bore. Although the subject matter may be different for each guy, just walk away. He won’t even notice he’s talking to no one for at least five minutes. 6.) “Did you fall from heaven? Because you’re the only ten I see.”: Okay, you’re drunk. It’s time to go home. Not only did you mix two pick-up lines into one nonsensical disaster, but also you’re hitting on a bar stool… albeit, a pretty good-looking bar stool.

By: Garrison Rasmussen Students, we are well past the formalities of Welcome Week and well on our way to the Freshman Fifteen, the Sophomore Seventeen, and the Junior Jiggle Rolls. The Black Sheep is being pushed and endorsed by President Lulu herself in an effort to stop the obesity epidemic sweeping the nation, so we came up with a few healthy alternatives to what you normally stuff down your gullet. These can all be found at our lovely grody Brody Cafeteria, and with a little SHAZAM you’ll have those beach bodies ready for the warm winter months coming up! Our first suggestion is to start small and collect multiple healthy items, within limitations of course. What you first need are vegetables. What better place to start with vegetables than with America’s best friend, the potato. You may be curious as to what form of potato is non-intestine shredding, and we’re here to tell you that while waiting in line for Homestyle at Brody, feel free to browse through the mountains of mashed potatoes and dig right in. The mashed potatoes would be nothing if not flavored by what we’re sure is “low-fat” “gravy.” Remember: Anything that has the word low-fat accompanied with it is fair game. Marketers wouldn’t lie to you, and Eat at State definitely wouldn’t shove something even remotely unhealthy on your plate.

5.) Anything that involves a “bar trick”: This may have worked in middle school when you had dreams of becoming a bad ass magician, but you’re in college now. No girl is going to sit there while you unsuccessfully try to tie a cherry stem with your feeble, oversized tongue. 4.) Any attempt at humor: Most guys who try to tell jokes at a bar generally tell shitty jokes, not to mention the ear-numbing noise of most bars cancels out any punchline. They say the quickest way to a woman’s heart is comedy, but it’s not. It’s being a goddamn gentleman (with lots of money). Only The Black Sheep writers are funny enough to constantly pull tail, and trust us, we pull tail, like, all the time. 3.) “Hey, wanna bang?”: It gets to the point, and we like that. However, there is a more tactful way of putting it such as, “Wanna bang, please?” Or “Will you graciously let me put my erect penis into your vagina?” They’ll go for those. And if not, you’ve spent minimal time trying. 2.) “Hey, Crysta, I wanna say something to you, but I’m kinda nervous. I like you and shit.” This is a good way to sound like you’ve smoked yourself retarded, but it’s not a great way to make your way into a girl’s heart. It does show your softer side, but this would only work if you had a magnificent beard or more than seven tattoos. Someone who fits those criteria should try this and get back to us.

Next, you may wander over to Brimstone where the epitome of healthy food is met. Doctors normally recommend staying healthy with fish oils. The key word we’ll take from that is oil, and every version of a Freedom Fry is some form of potato (VEGETABLE) fried in oil — you’re tackling two healthy things at once! The doctor also recommends some version of dairy, and to pull something straight from the Eat at State menu, listed under Brimstone is “Cheese Sauce.” While some minimum wage level 1s may judge you for asking for a silver plate full of cheese sauce, you’re a The Black Sheep reader and little do they know, you’re well on your way to matching the physical fitness level of an Olympian. Are you too new-age to eat the run of the mill boat load of cheese sauce and fried potato skins? Luckily at Ciao, they serve fresh “Teriyaki Chicken Pizza.” The fun thing about this particular slice of love is that not only are you getting the dairy from the cheese, you’re also indulging lovely whole grains from the crust, an exotic form of meat with the “teriyaki” flavored gristle, and who can forget the all too healthy tomato sauce? Yes, within pizza is a secret vegetable known as tomato sauce. Who knew you could tackle four food groups with one lovely mouth-gasm?! And of course, there are other hidden gems in the cafeteria too. Look out for the menu names that utilize “fresh” and “real,” much like that of “Fresh Southern Okra & Real Parsley Butter.” Don’t look too far into that, as some fitness-hating people might label it as “fattening green shit doused in butter.” It’s healthy and checks out; take our word for it. By now, your tray may look like a mini-buffet, and that’s good! Not only are you saving yourself time by getting all of these items at once, but your tray now has 4-5 plates full of different foods, and that’s what we like to call a “well-rounded” diet. You’ve covered vegetables, whole grains, dairy, and poultry. Now all you need is a fruit salad doused in yogurt and you’ve got it made. Eat that every day for lunch and dinner, and you’ll be swimming laps around Michael Phelps’ six-pack in no time.

1.) Stalking: Now, we wish we didn’t have to say it, but we do: it’s not okay to stalk potential mates. If you’re desperate and creepy enough to stalk someone, whether you once dated or you just like to collect pieces of her hair, you’ll end up in prison — at least you can get some action in there.

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you wrote an R&B song about when you lost your virginity, what would the title be? r Sara, Senio

“Mama Hungry”

nior Heather, Ju

“Elbows Deep”

ear Senior Clay, 12th Y

“I’m Gunna Piss on You”

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Lou Anna K’s Workday By: Andrew Rickerman Ever wonder what our beloved university president does on a day-today basis? Fostering education worldwide, of course, but what else? The Black Sheep decided to follow her around for a day. Luckily for us, she’s so in love with her flask she didn’t even notice us mouth-breathing right behind her. 10:36 a.m.: Lou Anna trudges up the steps of the Hannah Administration Building, muttering under her breath, “Damn, my head’s killin’ me. That’s the last time I hang with Sanndy… ‘oh hey, let’s go grab a drink and catch up!’ How convenient she forgot to tell me it was Dollar Sunday at Dagwood’s. Shit got outta control. Bitch.” She shuffles to the elevator, Sausage McMuff in tow, and elbows an administrator out of her way, “Sorry, Dave. Presidential duties to attend to.” 11:02 a.m.: Hiding out in the bathroom to enjoy her breakfast, she starts to scan “the Twitter” to see if she’s been mentioned by @MSUCrushes, or if @MSUBoobs and @MSUBooty got her snapchats. Finally, she heads for her office. There to greet her was her secretary, Debra. “Lou! Do you know what time it is? You were supposed to be here at 8. You’ve already missed--” “Yea, yea, yea… Deb. I get it. If you haven’t noticed, I’m the head honcho in this joint. I wasn’t here earlier because we, I, uh, I was at the… Spartans Against Anorexia board meeting. Hell of a brunch with a great spread. Really inspiring stuff.” Debra glares at her contemptuously, “That doesn’t exist.”

11:05 a.m.: Safely in her office, it’s time for Minesweeper. Lou Anna clicks and clicks with no real strategy, yet is completely engrossed in the game. Phone calls go unanswered, and knocks on the door are met with shouts of “I’M BUSY! OFFICIAL BUSINESS!” Since she doesn’t know how to play, she loses most of the time, and usually in very quick fashion. Each failure results in Lou Anna slamming her fists on her desk, causing her Celine Dion posters to rattle against the wall. Outside coworkers anxiously look on as the roar of shouting, banging, and Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go on” steadily grow louder. 12:18 p.m.: “Time to blow this joint,” Lou Anna thinks to herself. She figures she’s paid her debt to society, propelling her institution of higher learning forward in prestige… or maybe not. Regardless, it’s her time now, just nobody else can know she’s leaving. Lou Anna slides out of her office into the hallway. She starts slowly, each light-footed step followed by another, her eyes looking at nothing but the ground. When someone asks her if she was heading to do the conference call, she jumps, “Oh, yeah the conference call, of course. The one about dyslexia research? Totally.” 12:20 p.m.: Apparently Lou Anna’s suggestion of telling the kids to “just read the other way” isn’t appreciated, and she gets asked to leave. She figures it wasn’t any use, those uneducated Neanderthals are too dense, so she leaves for the only place where she’s understood: The Peanut Barrel. 12:43 p.m.: Lou Anna settles into her seat on the patio with a sigh. This is it, she thinks to herself, the place she needs to be, away from the

throngs of briefcase-carrying losers and people only concerned about “helping others.” All she needs is the cloudless blue sky, gentle breeze, and as many Long Islands as her waiter will allow. Life is good. 3:00 p.m.: “’Nother Long Island, boy!” Lou Anna yells with a belch. When she first sat down, people asked for pictures with her and explained pleasantries. Not Now. She’s become the elephant in the room, except this one was outside and had been served at least three too many drinks. She clears the place out. 3:36 p.m.: After politely being asked to “get the hell out,” Lou Anna stumbles back to the administration building and calls her husband to get her. She sits slumped on the curb, reeking of booze. When he pulls up, looking at her unassumingly, “How was work, honey?”

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The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT Thur. 9/19 Fri. 9/20

FRIDAY: Free Cover! Daily Specials: $2.50 Beers, Pints,Wednesday Wells Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints $2.50 Washington Apples, $2.50 – Call Drinks Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Tuesday 9pm-Close 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks Kamikazes $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! Friday Saturday Harp, Wed.) $3 Pints of Guinness, 2 Smithwicks1 and Bass, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) John Powers, $3 Wells, Half-off Potato 8 9 Skins,7 Irish Nachos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds Thursday (except: 31

DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

$2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment!, Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes

DJ Minze (Back Bar)

WED: $1.75 House-Brewed Pints,

Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ

30 DJ Beats

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd D Donnie For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Specials Run Open to Close Monday - Sunday! Go Green!

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TGI Friday! Live Music! $3.00 Pints, Bombs, Bacardi, Stoli

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

East Lansing MI 48823

Thursday: No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Sat. 9/21

Satisfaction Saturday! *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats

Satisfaction Saturday! Live Music! $2.50 Pints $3.50 Calls

It’s a great day to be a Spartan! Open early for all your tablegating needs!!

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines , $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Sun. 9/22

Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing

$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

Sunday Funday! $2.00 Pints open til 7 ½ off Adult Beverages & Pizza 7-close

Closed for Lions football

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

Go Green! Go White!

Mon. 9/23

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells

No Cover! $3.00 Burgers til 4 $2.00 Pints 7 til close

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Tues. 9/24

Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

Free Pizza Rama! No Cover - Guest DJ! 7pm - Close: $2.00 Wells, $3.50 Well Doubles, $10.50 Buckets of Corona

NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wed. 9/25

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1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

$1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment!, Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!

Thur. 9/26

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums

Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

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“Do you want to hear about my study abroad?” By: Brendon White You know that question. We’ve all heard it. The cute girl down the hall asked you. The nice guy sitting next to you in Com 100 broke the ice with it. Some of us are embarrassed to admit that we’ve said it ourselves. Well The Black Sheep is here to show you how to wiggle your way out of this dreadful conversation at a party. Around 3,000 Michigan State students study abroad each year. So chances are you’ll come in contact with one of these chatty Kathys during your time here, and they’re all just itchin’ to tell a stranger about how they’ll never be the same after seeing the Mona Lisa. Your eyes can’t roll fast enough to keep up with their inspiring tale of how they managed to order a meal using broken Italian. How do you climb out of this conversation? Well, first know that the question is rhetorical. Yes or no, they have all intention on telling you about people and places you’ve never seen. They’re like meth addicts and you’re their Walter White. They need you. So here’s option one: Just walk away. Wait until they’re balls deep into their story and then waltz your sexy ass out of there. By the time they notice, you’ll be halfway to McDeezer’s to treat yourself to a Big Mac, because you’re American and you earned it. Now if you don’t have the plums to give the cold shoulder to a fellow Spartan, here’s another option: Use a decoy. When asked the vile question, point out another person at the party and say that they also studied abroad this summer. They’ll be out of your hair so quickly you’ll have ample time to make your escape. You end up throwing another person under the bus, but at least you saved your own ass from feigning interest at the inevitable, excruciating cell phone slide show of their excursion and attempts to “hold up” to the leaning Tower of Pisa. This next little ditty is for a focused group of people — those who have also studied abroad and are sick of hearing the same regurgitated stories about how your group became one big family and how you all still keep in touch. In this scenario the jaded study abroad-er should combat each story with one of your own. It may sound easy, but go toe to toe with a student who studied in Antarctica. He’ll tell stories about playing with baby penguins and shit. It’s hard to compete with that when half your stories revolve around drinking “dirty pints” with your “mates” at the “pub.” And that brings us to the last possibility. This final option is a last ditch effort. Just tell the person to shut the fuck up. The look on their face will bring you more joy than the first time you saw Zeke II catch a Frisbee

HARPER’S &

HALF OFF WEDNESDAY

JERRY SPRAGUE On Top The Bar 6 - 10

JEREMY SPRAGUE On Stage 10 - 12

DJ DONNIE D On Stage 12 - Close

$2 Pints & Wells – $2.98 Burgers – $6.98 Bottles of Wine

(RIP you talented SOB). This writer learned this one from the best, my mom. I was trying to tell her about how the beer in Germany is more pure than the piss water we drink here, (yes, I know I’m terrible), and she just politely told me to shove it where the sun don’t shine. It taught me to keep that shit to myself and it’s my responsibility to pass it on to you. So whether you’ve never left the state of Michigan or your passport has more stamps than a tramp’s lower back, just do us all a favor and keep your mouth shut. If someone wants to visit a country bad enough, they will. Your “amazing” story about how great Argentinian soccer players are isn’t convincing anyone. And we’re pretty sure Chicago-style deep dish still shits on whatever those hairy Italians churn out. ‘Merica – and we’re out.

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: It’s complicated Major: Anatomy Favorite Drink: Jack on the rocks Favorite Shot: Screaming orgasm Disgusting Drink: Cum in the hot tub If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: Coke Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: Classified information What’s the most embarrassing thing your best friend’s ever done?: My friend fingered my girlfriend when I was sitting next to him. What word do you find strangely sexual?: Dirty socks in my mouth What word do you find strangely disturbing?: Outie belly buttons What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: Read the dictionary before bed

Devin of Hopcat Drinking Game

One time, you laughed so hard you…: Sharted Favorite Hopcat food: Buffalo rolls. God bless.

Recipe for disaster

Breaking Booze

Morning-After Mixer

With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with.

Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper.

What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown.

- Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”

What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up!

The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.

Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!

download our free app for all the games!

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The Black Sheep Peruses

the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…

Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds likewell, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.

By: Kevin Wise

Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on our basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:

The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB

Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?

Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.

2 4

Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?

Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.

The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:

...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC

The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)

Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.

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