The Black Sheep
dr FR un EE ke ... l n ho ike t ok ha up t s lef tain ti n you yo r ur be d.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 7 • 2/20/13 - 2/27/13
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
the real msu social norms alex everard wrote this
Hey there, are you a rational college student who enjoys statistical data in the form of knowledge? We’ll bet you are! We also bet you’ve seen those “MSU Social Norms” posters around campus. Maybe you saw one in your favorite late-night, drunchie joint, maybe you saw it on the bulletin boards your obsessivecompulsive RA creates, or maybe you saw one posted in the dorms as you snuck out of your freshman “cuddle” buddy’s room this morning. Either way, you probably noticed those cute, little cartoon ducks and read the poster. If so, hopefully you immediately realized that, like all adorable, animated ducklings, these are simply a distraction designed to draw attention away from facts and truth. Further, these “social norms” are merely just skewed, poorly-collected data that may draw one to conclude that this campus isn’t actually the number one party school in the Big Ten, that the weekend doesn’t begin on Wednesday after your last class, and that couches aren’t burned regularly and for sport. Well, thankfully, here at The Black Sheep, we produce real journalism and have gathered some “social norms” of our own! Here they are, in no statistically-important order: Don’t Be the Mixed-Up Duck: Did you know 80% of Michigan State students who admit to binge drinking several different types of alcohol in one night do so only after they’ve already chugged enough beer to not give a flying fuck? Keep Your Friends Close But Your Duck-Buddies Closer: Were you aware of the 99.9% of Michigan State students who admit to being sexually active, only 70% of them drunk-sext a bang-buddy once a weekend? The remaining percent delete the texts before they wake up, so they technically never existed. (Noteworthy: Only 5% of students who actively booty-text admitted to using the alternative, porn spelling of “come,” suggesting that MSU students still know how to keep a late-night trip to Pleasure Town mildly classy.) Don’t Be The Party Fowl: In a recent survey of ten Michigan State students, eight of them admitted to puking on someone else’s furniture within the last two weeks. However, seven of the eight properly disposed of this furniture by dousing it with potent alcohol or gasoline and burning it in the street. Birds of a Feather Flock Together: Fun fact: When heading out for the night, 70% of Michigan State students adhere to the rule of a proper “poon-to-peen” ratio to assure the party they attend will be bro-squad free. The remaining 30% are giant groups of bros who perpetually yell, “Let’s get weird,” and quote Entourage.
The Pros of Blood Diamonds
Honor the Code: Statistically speaking, only 10% of Michigan State students who engage in sexual actions that are interrupted, unfinished, or otherwise incomplete, fail to follow the “go down when the sun comes up” rule of orally pleasing your partner the next morning after an alcohol-induced “failure to finish.” 100% of this 10% is currently on a cold-streak. Spread Your Wings: In a recent poll of approximately 17 Michigan State students, 70% of them stated that they are either “extremely supportive” or “pretty much down” with experimenting with new drugs, new ingestion methods, and taking mystery prescription pills they found. Further, 80% said they were “totally cool beans” with letting their roommate test out a new drug first. Don’t Quack-Out: Data indicates that Michigan State students are greatly opposed to dropping out of college—95% of MSU
what'’s inside
students said they would never leave East Lansing early, even if their degree put them in immense debt and took more than five years to complete. 5% of students said, “Yeah, I actually just dropped out.” No One Likes a Copy-Duck: Studies show that Michigan State students rarely let other students copy their work unless they are given monetary compensation in exchange. Said 79% of students, “No free rides, either give me six Adderall, five bucks, or half an artisan handjob in exchange.” So there you have it, the Real MSU Social Norms. Just like any prestigious journalistic institution, we used the smallest of sample sizes and completely fabricated virtually every aspect of our data. For more information on how we obtained these statistics, go to FoxNews.com, or ask any other animated Scrooge McDuck.
Spartans Will
That's a Deal Breaker
Diamonds are forever, but the guilt of buying a blood diamond can be relieved pretty quick!
Yeah, we’re not good at taking no for an answer.
The resident Liz Lemon of TBS steps up.
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