Michigan State - Issue 7 - 10/2/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

fre e me ...like nn a’s. deliv ohh ery hh fro yea m h!

Vol. 9, Issue 7

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

10/2/13 - 10/9/13

Are you new to MSU? Sign in to mail.msu.edu! BY: Jack Harder It’s that time of night again. You’ve woken up from your midafternoon nap just as your professors are hitting the sheets. You stumble through your apartment, knocking over a number of unknown items as you walk into the kitchen. You’re hung over on a Monday afternoon? YOU DOG! That’s impressive.

be from your ANGEL account. Hey all sorry about this but I got a little sick this morning and accidentally missed every single class ever and if anyone wants to send me the notes that would be awesome because I’m pretty sure we have an exam this week or something an I’m really sorry but send me the notes please.

You return to your senses as a cloud of dust erupts from the pile of textbooks you knocked off of your end table hits the ground. You could pick them up, Not even a thank you. This person is obviously tellbut it’s dinnertime now and let’s be honest, that ing the truth and is super responsible and would is a daunting task that just isn’t worth the effort. definitely send you the notes if you needed them. You cook up a feast that would make Brady Hoke’s You immediately send an email back with all of your eyes bulge with excitement and take it upon yournotes since syllabus week because you are a giving self to open your MSU Email, just in case a minor person. After grabbing this hefty chunk of karma, miracle cancels your Santa is pretty much guar10:20 tomorrow mornanteed to bring you that “89% of MSU students remain ing. You probably won’t Bongzilla you’ve been completely sober on game day. go regardless, being that asking for since freshman getting up before two is You reminisce to your middle school year. a bitch — but a cancella- days when you would occasionally tion would make you feel Clearly we’re joking. Dego to a football game not totally a lot less guilty about the lete that shit. inevitable GTAV coma that bombed and smile. Those were the tomorrow will bring. The next message looks good old days.” promising: Need cash You settle down into your NOW? Make $175/hour favorite armchair with the dinner of champions: a with virtually no effort by looking at stuff for big busimassive bucket of ramen, two slightly overcooked nesses! This job is risk-free and easy! Click the link to grilled cheese sandwiches, a jumbo bag of Flamin’ get started! Hot Cheetos, and a 30-rack of ‘Stones. You open the laptop and get directly to that email business. Don’t This one is a doozy. How could you turn down an ofFall for Phishing!, you’re immediately warned, obvi- fer like that? You’re about to click this tempting link ously not needing to read further. You sign in and when you notice that the message is from someone met with a blank screen, you refresh several times named Hugh Jerection. Now you’re not the sharpest until you’re at the heart of the fourth most visited crayon in the box, but something seems a little off site on this campus (just barely behind Twitter, Tumabout handing over your Social Security number blr, and Brazzers — and definitely not in that order). to Hugh, and despite the fact that nobody actually knows what this “phishing” thing is, you’ll assume Twelve unread messages? Nice, got you’re work cut this message falls into that category and move on. out for you. You open the first one that appears to

After deleting a few irrelevant messages from professors telling you where you should be in the readings and how excited they are to see you in class tomorrow, you click on the ever-present “prepare for this week’s football game” email. This email is great because you get to click “show images” before you see anything at all, showing that this university takes online security very seriously. RAISE YOUR SHIELD the message boldly proclaims. This is real shit and is enforced by the easily believable set of fun facts that surround it. 89% of MSU students remain completely sober on game day. You reminisce to your middle school days when you would occasionally go to a football game not totally bombed and smile. Those were the good old days. After skimming the list of things that are prohibited from be-

page 5

page 7

Return of the Razor Scooter

So you walked in on your roommate masturbating

After nearly going extinct with Hit-Clipz, the Razor Scooter is back from the 90s with a vengeance.

ing brought into the stadium (literally everything) you go back to your inbox, tip back another ‘Stone, and prepare to keep workin’. At this moment you realize you’ve spend a good ten minutes reading emails already and it’s about time to move on to a more stimulating website. The UAB Events Calendar can wait until tomorrow, as other things are much more important at this point. You quickly make your way to the most secluded corner of your room to intimately study whatever site you may find yourself on next. Happy searching and goodnight, you mischievous message-reader. You’ve worked hard this week, don’t forget to switch on private browsing.

What to do when you walk in on your roomie doin’ themselves.

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A Night Out with Guy Fieri We spent a night out with the mayor of Flavortown that left a bitter taste in our mouth.

Tweet Us @Blacksheep_msu

#goodtimes

I thought we could celebrate the 2-year anniversary of our restraining order...

...by having me watch you eat ice cream from 500 feet away.

Seriously?

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_MSU #BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Word

Tweet Us @Blacksheep_msu

Dejerkted

of the

A sad masturbation session after being blue-balled. “Simon dejerkted and went to bed after Hailey didn’t reciprocate his advances in the student health services waiting room.”

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_MSU First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Stanford’s Tree

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_MSU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

This gothic rock frontman saw Bloodflowers all over the place after unloading a few rounds from a world-renown rifle maker. Last Week’s Answer: Chris Paul Wall

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What’s the worst piece of advice your parents have given you? L a u re n

“To spend money.”

Sammie

“Don’t take psychedelics.”

Jamie

“Don’t talk to strangers, everyone is a stranger at some point.”

The

Top

Ten

Real Identities for Sparty By: Black Sheep Staff

We’ve all seen him, most of us have taken a picture with him, and a lucky few have unknowingly given him a BJ. But the man who wears the Sparty costume is a mystery to us all—gallivanting around campus like a hero, brightening the days of every student he sees, and accepting the occasional BJ from regretful UM students. He’s like a collegiate Bruce Wayne, but more ripped. So who exactly is this man, this legend? We may never know since the university keeps his identity shrouded in the depths of a folder in Lou Anna K. Simon’s desk titled “Nude Pictures of LAKS 1987s,” but here are our best guesses at who Sparty is in real life. 10.) Miguel Cabrera: This might seem far-fetched, given then Miguel is busy blasting home runs to center field, but hear us out for a second. Why does Sparty never talk? Is it because his costume is so large and constricting that we couldn’t hear him anyway? Or is it because he actually speaks Spanglish and knows we wouldn’t understand him? 9.) T.J. Duckett: Let’s be honest, when he’s not buying out the bar or growing out his beard, what else does ole Teej got going on? He’s an East Lansing legend, it would just make sense if he were Sparty.

Return of The

razor scooter By: Zoë Kremke A fabulous trend erupted during a period of our childhood, and it was called the Razor Scooter. This dual-wheel, streamlined piece of cheap steel was the epitome of cool transportation. We donned our helmets and zipped around in straight lines, since the Razor’s turning radius isn’t exactly “precise” or “existent.” The easilyshredded wheels and the inevitably squeaky back brake made for a simple yet functional tool that was easy for our eight-year-old minds and maneuver. Now, after ten years, the Razor Scooter has made a classically cool come back on Michigan State’s campus. This is incredibly logical. As college students, we don’t have the time or the intelligence to ride a bike. Who wants to think about shifting gears and weaving in and out of a crowd when you can move comfortably at an accelerated walking speed, hitting everyone in your path since you can’t really move side to side? It’s their fault for walking in front of you anyway. Not sold on the convenience of the Razor Scooter? Well, we haven’t even taken the time to mention the revolutionary shock absorption it boasts. Now, by “revolutionary”, we mean that there isn’t any. It’s one of the many unnecessary features the Razor Scooter purposefully lacks in order to compensate for the reasonably affordable price of $34.99. Luckily, Michigan State students have young, working knees. Shock absorption is something that should only be required by the elderly or the sick; neither category is something we fall under. In fact, having to feel every bump and nook and cranny in the pavement builds character, which is something college is suppose to breed in us, anyway. The Razor Scooter is a great investment for even more reasons. The foamy padding of the

handlebars provides just enough cushion for you to wear it thin in no time. The cushion also is made up of one of the few materials in the world that absorb every ounce of sweat you produce, ensuring a sickly perspiration smell within the first week of use. But hey, if you felt the exhilarating thrill of slowly racketing down the sidewalks of East Lansing, your palms would get sweaty too. The so-called adjustable front piece rusts up pretty quickly, and only really has three height settings. That means that if you’re under five foot, right at five two, or six foot four, you’re in great shape to have a perfectly fitting Razor Scooter. However, if you happen to fall legitimately anywhere between those exact intervals, you will likely be a hunchback by December’s snow. But this nation’s posture is forever slouching, so might as well get on the bandwagon.

8.) Mark Dantonio: This one is obvious. You might think, “How could Coach D be on the sidelines and in the Sparty costume simultaneously?” but you would be dumb for thinking that. You’re talking about a man who has more trick plays in his playbook than the last 20 minutes of every Air Bud movie ever made. Sure, “physics” don’t allow it but Mark Dantonio plays by his own rules. 7.) Willie the Can Man: Ever wonder why Willie just hangs around East Lansing? Sure, it could be because he’s addicted to the can-collecting life and all its luxurious perks, and couldn’t get out if he tried. But it could also be because he’s on call to suit up and get the people going. After all, who gets a party started better than Willie? 6.) Lou Anna K. Simon: If you were President of this great university, and you were also a bit on the “social” end of the drinker spectrum, you would eat this shit up. “President Simon, you’re needed on the phone, it’s urgent!” BAM! Just grab the costume out of the office closet, take a twenty-second pull of Wild Turkey and hit the streets! 5.) The ghosts of all the Zeke the Wonderdogs: This one is a bit more far-fetched, not because it relies on ghosts to be true, but because it relies on dog-ghosts. Sure, it would be nice if all the old Zeke’s inhabited the Sparty costume with their spirits, but we read somewhere that all dogs go to heaven, and that definitely goes for Spartan dogs the most. 4.) Magic Johnson: Think about it—he has the build, the athleticism, and the undying support of MSU. Magic would be the perfect Sparty for one key reason: bitches love Magic, and bitches love Sparty. Plus, last year we saw Sparty dunk, and that pretty much rules out any average white dude on campus. 3.) Ryan Gosling: Remember how we just said bitches love Magic Johnson? Well they love Ryan Gosling more. And who would be better at flaunting sexiness in Sparty-form than someone who is a pro at flaunting sexiness in real life? If you think he’s too “soft” because of The Notebook, watch him stomp a dude’s face in Drive and get back to us.

Not to mention that the Razor Scooter is lightweight, which means it’s easy to carry it into class buildings and awkwardly try to prop it up against your desk. If you happen to fall asleep, the rigged up hunk of metal will clamor to the ground and give you a nice wake up before anyone notices. Granted its light weight also means that if you should get into an accident you’re not going to come out on top. But you’re young and resilient, so that’s hardly a valid point. It’s no wonder that the Razor Scooter is making a comeback on campus this fall. Its convenience alone is plenty reason enough to invest in one of these bad boys. Plus, at the very least, you can say you mimicked everyone else’s stupid decision. Because individuality is for squares, and everyone knows that college is all about figuring out how to conform to the cultural norms.

2.) Andrew Maxwell: This guess is more for Andrew’s sake than anything else. Who wants to be that senior QB on the sidelines, waiting for a questionable coaching decision to get one or two more snaps? Hopefully Maxwell has decided that he best serves the team making sure the fans stay pumped, loud, and unaware they just high-fived Andrew Maxwell. 1) You: You’re Sparty, aren’t you? You just read all these inane suggestions in your lecture and now you’re sitting back, thinking about how cool your life is. Well guess what!? Your life is cool. Because if you’re Sparty, everything else is just icing on the cake. Thanks for doing what you do. Oh, and we totally remember when you smelled that cheerleader’s hair during our bowl game a few years ago. Shit was creepy—never again, bro.

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So you walked in on

your roommate masturbating By: Halie Woody

Everything started like a normal day, with a quick, innocent realization that you left your phone at home. You go back to your room and BAM! Your eyes fall upon your roommate, legs akimbo on his bed, feverishly stroking his meat stick. So what does one possibly do in such a sticky situation? Although you may find yourself in a bit of a panic at the first sight of your home boy stroking his thing at the speed of light, calling 911 is not your best option. You simply need to take a few deep breaths and look at the reality of what’s at hand, metaphorically speaking. First, let them know it’s all right and that it could even be a bonding experience. You can take your friendship to the next level by incorporating sexuality. Bust out the dildos and/or lotion! They say that friends who orgasm together stay together. You already share a living space, why not share o-faces?

Grabbing the bull by the horns and just being open to masturbation can be a whole new world full of wondrous things. If you’ve never really masturbated before, the sight of your naked roommate so openly masturbating on your futon might help bring out a side of you that you never knew existed. You can even take it to the next level and practice technique. It’s all about finding out how your body works and this can greatly improve both of your sex lives. You no longer have to live in constant fear of being caught if you just treat it like practice. Okay, so it’s not really “practice,” but who needs another person anyway? Sex is good, but it’s not the real thing.

“Just be thankful you don’t go to Michigan, where masturbation happens, on average, seven thousand times more often than actual sex does.”

The fact of the matter is we all get an urge to flick the bean, stroke the skin flute, meet Miss Michigan, or whatever you want to call it. It all comes down to timing. Like it or not, your timing may be off one day and you’ll find yourself in a sexual standoff. You might be stuck frozen in shock. You might be strangely turned on. The thing to remember is to always be prepared for something like this. Just be thankful you don’t go to Michigan, where masturbation happens, on average, seven thousand times more often than actual sex does.

Ultimately, masturbation is a human function. Cave people masturbated using berries as lube, your parents definitely masturbated, and probably still do, and your little brother is probably littering your old bedroom with stiff socks. Just remember, if the day comes when you walk in on your roommate, treat them like the wild animal they are. They’re just as scared as you are. Maybe they’re using a hand, maybe they’re using some lotion, and maybe they’ve got a life-size picture of Lou Anna K. Simon above their bed. Whatever floats your kinky-ass boat. People make up all colors of the sexual rainbow, and some of those colors aren’t so clear. So when the time comes, simply ask yourself, what would Jesus do? He would tell you to help your friend. So sit back relax and take your pants off.

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The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT Thur. 10/3 Fri. 10/4

FRIDAY: Free Cover! Daily Specials: $2.50 Beers, Pints,Wednesday Wells Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints $2.50 Washington Apples, $2.50 – Call Drinks Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Tuesday 9pm-Close 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks Kamikazes $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Thursday

31 of Guinness, 1 Harp, Smithwicks 2 $3 Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bushmills, John Powers, 7 8 9 $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish NaDJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds chos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

WEDNESDAY: $1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment!, Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!

Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Friday (except: Saturday Everyday! Wed.)

Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ

30 DJ Beats

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd D Donnie For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Specials Run Open to Close Monday - Sunday! Go Green! Go White!

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TGI Friday! Live Music! $3.00 Pints, Bombs, Bacardi, Stoli

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

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East Lansing MI 48823

Thursday: No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Sat. 10/5

Satisfaction Saturday! *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats

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$3.50 All Flavored Vodka $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime $5 Spartan Bombs

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Sun. 10/6

Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing

$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

Sunday Funday! $2.00 Pints open til 7 ½ off Adult Beverages & Pizza 7-close $4 Medium/$8 Large Pizzas

Closed for Lions football

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

Go Green! Go White!

Mon. 10/7

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells

No Cover! $3.00 Burgers $2.00 Pints 7 til close

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Tues. 10/8

Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

Free Pizza Rama! $3 Quesadillas No Cover - Guest DJ! 7pm - Close: $2.00 Wells, $3.50 Well Doubles, $10.50 Buckets of Corona

NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wed. 10/9

Like us on Facebook!

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

$1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment!, Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!

Thur. 10/10

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums

Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

A Night Out with Guy Fieri By: Gavin Cormick It was a fateful Sunday of totally watching football and not smoking weed when we entered a mail-in contest for the Food Nework. The contest was simple — write an essay on why you want to spend a night with Giada De Laurentiis. We wrote an essay so goddamed inspiring, it could have won a Pulitzer Prize, all while only mentioning her tremendous rack twice. To our surprise and delight we won, and in only a week’s time we were going to spend a night out with Giada in East Lansing. Thank the Food Network gods! Those buttery boobies would soon be ours.

biggest ass on the Food Network and perhaps all of television. Okay, aside from Bill O’Reilly and all the people on the Real Housewives shows. 8:30 p.m.: Guy arrives in his signature red convertible and the license plate reads “Im #1”. In unexplainable fuckfacey fashion, his sunglasses are backwards on the top of his head, giving him zero actual benefit from them. He steps out and exclaims “Get ready for the most bomb. com night of your life!” God dammit, this is going to suck.

“Hey, sorry to inform you but Giada is sick and can’t make it. But don’t worry, were sending someone even better, Guy Fieri!”

8:45 p.m.: We are seated at the restaurant and Guy asks why we’re not seated in the VIP section. The waiter explains this restaurant has no VIP section and even if there were one, he wouldn’t be seated in it anyways because he’s kind of a C-list celebrity. Guy laughs as he seems to think the statement is a joke. It’s clear to everyone that the waiter is not joking at all.

The only thing we could really say was “Shiiiitttughh.” Instead of spending the night with a total dime piece whose tits you could get lost in for hours — just stirring, and stirring, and stirrrring — we were going to spend the night with the

9:00 p.m.: Guy asks for the MichiganAtlantic Sea Eel Salad before yelling “BOOM!” The waiter reiterates that this menu item doesn’t exist. Guy responds with, “Sorry, are you the mayor of Flavortown? That’s what I thought. Kiss

The night finally arrived and as we headed out to downtown Lansing for what would have been literally the greatest night of all time, when we received a phone call from the PR Rep at the Food Network.

the ring!” He extends his sausage-fingers, none of which have a ring on them. It’s getting bad already. 9:15 p.m.: Guy goes to the salad bar. He makes a salad with six pieces of lettuce, seventy croutons, four pounds of turkey bacon, and an obscene, unmeasurable amount of bleu cheese. He calls it “Guy’s Big Bite Badass Fuckin’ Salad.” He doesn’t eat a single bite and ends up spilling it on the waiter. 9:45 p.m.: After five Jack and Cokes, Guy stumbles into the kitchen of the restaurant. He proceeds to insult every single person cooking and even yells at a patron who just got too close to the kitchen. He starts knocking over pots and pans, then tries to throw a knife at someone while screaming “NOW THAT’S MONEY!” We’re probably going to get arrested, or at least kicked out soon. 10:00 p.m.: After the miscue in the kitchen, we finally get our food. Guy is clearly intoxicated and keeps bragging to us about how he hosted the game show Minute to Win It. We try to tell him no one watched that show, and that whoever accidentally watched it was probably asleep on their couch, but as we look up

he’s re-spiking his hair in his iPhone. 10:10 p.m.: Guy refuses stop talking about the one time he met Kid Rock. 10:20 p.m.: Guy passes out in a bowl of ice cream. Kid Rock walks in and says, “Ha! Fuck that loser, he came to my daughter’s birthday party hammered and insisted that we pour pepper on her cake!” Kid Rock then licks his hand, takes a drag of his cigarette, and slaps Guy in the face. 11:00 p.m.: Guy wakes up, still completely hammered. He tells us we should foot the bill because we had the pleasure of hanging out with him all night, and drunkenly stumbles out of the restaurant. On his way out, he yells, “Watch my

show!” then takes a bite out of the next four peoples’ meal before he reaches the door. 11:15 p.m.: He gets in his car. We try to tell him he’s been drinking and that driving isn’t a good idea. He responds, “I’m off to Flavortown, baby!” 11:16 p.m.: He slowly backs his car into a street lamp, then falls asleep. Needless to say, it was probably the single worst night of all time. If you ever write the Food Network, make sure that they promise the buttery boobies you applied for. If the fine-print says anything about Guy, get the hell out of there. Seriously, the douche is a living nightmare.

Record Crawl in East Lansing

@squadup #recordcrawl Harper’s

Dublin Square

The Riv

PT’s

Rick’s

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Squirrels Gone Wild:

msu edition By: Meg Enter

If you’ve ever wondered how The Black Sheep stays so pertinent, so on top of the haps here at MSU, you’re not alone. Not only have our writers installed cameras into ever tree, toilet and watering hole on this campus, but we also got our hands on the now-banned, elusive Rosetta Stone for squirrel speak. Knowing what the squirrels are saying keeps us informed on what’s going on on campus, but also gives us a glimpse into the dark, sexual lives of these furry little campus companions. We were able to observe the underground squirrel porn industry and decided to expose it. It’s real, folks. As real as a nut in the mouth. You have to release your preconceived notions of sex when it comes to the dark, seedy world of East Lansing squirrel porn. Squirrels don’t have tits, but these fuzzy, winter-equipped rats most definitely show vag for food — and food is what makes the squirrely go ‘round. These squirrels have gotten fat off college campus living, which has created a whole economy beyond mere acorns. This economy has driven female squirrels to wag her squirrel labes for entire groups of male squirrels. This ensures that the freshest of littered pizza slices will be handed over to her. As she passes part of her earnings to her nut lords, the rest is hers to later nibble

on while perched upon the exclusive tree branch rewarded to her by said nut lord squirrel-producers. However, the female squirrel’s fame is short lived, as she is replaced with another who can more effectively butter the nuts of her audience, thus bringing in more garbage treasures for her superiors. Her career is over at the ripe old age of two and half years, and the younger, thinner squirrels that have yet to become addicted to tripping off moldy Jimmy John’s bread and lack sagging baby bellies replace her. A new generation of squirrels grace branch parties and go wild all in hopes of one day being recognized by their father squirrel who wouldn’t even recognize them in a tiny litter of 15. Spartans have created a generation of big, fatty squirrels that slurp old game day beer and nosh on piles of rejected Sparty’s turkey subs. Because MSU squirrels, both black and brown, are a beloved feature of our University, we have taken to providing them with ample opportunities for diabetes, stretch marks, and heart disease like any true American would. But the squirrels have taken upon themselves to create a hierarchy of what we provide them. The fat ones are the bosses, the big squirrels on campus who organize and distribute

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the squirrel vagina for moldy Jimmy John’s trade. So while you might make your morning walk to you IHA, notice a squirrel with its ribs showing and think, “Sweet baby Izzo—that thing has rabies” you would be wrong. That squirrel is just slimming down in order to reap the benefits of being the sexiest squirrel in the industry. As it turns out, the squirrel world of softcore porn is not too different from our own. However, the minority of severely sexually depraved people that

sport a chub after witnessing a tight, young squirrel shake what the city of East Lansing gave her rules out the possibility of the squirrel sex trade being of any benefit to humankind. We will leave the animal-loving, couch humping weirdos to their own devices. So, at least for now, we can respect our furry little friends for living the dream and continue to frequent the only marginally disturbing world of PornHub.com, while we mourn the loss of the Girls Gone Wild empire.

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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single, mingling Major: Communications & Broadcasting (catch me on ESPN in a few years) Favorite Drink: Rumple Minze Favorite Shot: Can I say Rumple Minze again? Disgusting Drink: Bud Light What’s a fall fashion “don’t”?: When people wear shirts with leaves on them. Why are there leaves on your shirt? No. When was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: I saw some girl’s crotch at Rick’s last week.

Megan of Dublin Drinking Game Fill the Pumpkin Having a variety of alcohol is always good, right? That must mean that having a variety of alcohol in one drink must be great! Maybe not. Let’s find out. What You’ll Need: A plastic pumpkin bucket, pair of dice, a wide variety of alcohol types and flavors, and friends who have strong stomachs. Number of Players: The more, the scarier. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say the pumpkin doubles as a vomit bucket. How to Play: - Place the pumpkin in the middle of the table and surround it with booze.. - The first person rolls the dice and does the corresponding action with the number rolled. - Two: Speak in a funny accent until it’s your turn again. - Three: Make up a rule. Whoever breaks the rule takes a drink. - Four: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Five: Play a round of “Never Have I Ever.” Whoever loses takes a drink.

- Six: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin. - Seven: Make someone else take a shot. - Eight: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Nine: Roll one of the dice again. Whatever number you get, drink for that many seconds. - Ten: You’re Question Master until someone else rolls a 10. - Eleven: Rhyming game with autumnthemed words - Twelve: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin.

The Game Ends When: The first person starts looking a little ghoulish. Once there’s vomit in the pumpkin bucket, we doubt you’ll want to keep playing with it.

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If you could have something named after you when you die, what would it be?: I was going to say a type of

whiskey, but probably just an entire bar. What’s the worst prank you’ve ever seen someone pull at a party?: It wasn’t at a party, but in high school a group of girls I may or may not have been included in put a ton of Tide detergent in the school pool. It became a gigantic bubble bath. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: A third eye. What new slang are you tired of hearing?: Adding “though” to the end of sentences. What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: Britney, bitch. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s the best paper on campus. F The State News.

Recipe for disaster Whiskey Caramel Dipped Apples Autumn is officially here and what a better way to celebrate it than with caramel-dipped apples, infused with booze, of course! They’re a little healthy, a lot sweet and have the potential of getting you a little tipsy. What more could you want? What You’ll Need: A bunch of apples, wooden popsicle sticks, wax paper, caramel bits, your favorite whiskey, and whatever other chunky monkey toppings you want to pack into your mouth Cook Time: We’re guesstimating 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s like 80% fruit, so let’s just leave it at that. Let’s Get Baked: - Place your caramel bits in a bowl. - Microwave the caramel for about 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Stop the microwave after the mixture is melted. - For each bag of caramel bits used, add 3 tablespoons of whiskey. Stir. - Shove a popsicle stick into one of the apples and dip the entire apple into the caramel mixture, making sure it is completely covered when you’re done. Lift the apple out of the bowl and let the excess caramel drip off. - Roll your apples into the toppings of your choosing or simply place them on the wax paper plain. - Allow your caramel apples to chill in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before enjoying! Try experimenting with different alcohols and flavors, such as green apple vodka. We suggest steering clear of disgusting dessert flavors, unless you want to see your delicious apple creation in the toilet.

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ATIC ACROB

S e x osi

tion

ew! i v e R k o A Bo By: Benny Boy

Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.

The

Pick p u e m

Difficulty Convincing: 3/10

What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position. How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (she might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.

The

Tow Truck The

Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration. How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.

Difficulty Convincing: 4/10 What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him. How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.

Part 1 of 3!

The

XXX Ba

wall

Difficulty Convincing: 8/10

The

Back

Break er

What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.

Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support. How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-haveyou, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.

Part 2 of 3!

ng er

two

fA CE D

LovEr

How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.

Part 3 of 3!

The

Clasp ing

Hand

Difficulty Convincing: 9/10 What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand. How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: a perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.

Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other. How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us ourselves for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”

Guess the Guttenberg

Movie List:

Each box features the handsome steve guttenberg in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?

Police Academy • Cocoon • It Takes Two • Three Men and a Baby • The Big Green Poseidon Adventure • Short Circuit • The Boyfriend Club • Tower of Terror

Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com the first right answer gets a prize!

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