The Black Sheep FR
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
Volume 3, Issue 12 11/29/12 - 12/5/12
Five Ways You've Accidentally Become a Social Media Hypocrite Katrina Nicholson wrote this
Everyone can relate to that awkward moment upon realizing they are committing an act they had just made fun of someone else for doing two weeks prior. With the rapid increase in social networking sites, we've all fallen victim to ridiculed behaviors. You said you'd never be a part of it, but look at you now, you conformist piece of shit. Current event Facebook statuses: Usually Facebook is the first place we hear about a national catastrophe or significant event. But most of that information will come from biased Facebook statuses, links or useless banter. We all pretend to hate this, some people will even proclaim it with the standard sarcastic comment like: “Wow, did Obama win the election?” You'll say you're annoyed, but a week later when some politician sends out pictures of his flabby again you won't be able to resist posting your own clever quip. It'll get you so many likes! That’s what really matters! Seeking validation with Facebook likes: On a similar note, if we post something that receives no attention, we inevitably feel like shit. Some people are even strategic about it, for example “I waited until the election was over to post my status about going abroad, because otherwise no one would notice it.” Yeah, you're maybe sitting there laughing at the ridiculousness of it, but don't lie. You've timed your jokes, your snippets of life. You've also been personally offended that only two people liked your new profile picture: your mom and your aunt – and rightfully so. Because that means you're a social networking failure. And a social networking failure makes you a failure at life. Using your iPhone to take selfies: Selfies are for MySpace right? Posting one makes you a prick, right? Hmm, well that doesn't explain the sudden frequency of “sarcastic” selfie pictures popping up everywhere. That frontal camera is there for a reason... So people might as well use it to the full extent, right? It's not your fault that sometimes you look really good and there's no one there to take a picture of you, right?
Guide to Late Eating in Dinkytown
Tweeting in general: Tweeting is the equivalent of posting frequent Facebook statuses. When we tell people we have a Twitter they generally say the same thing, “You have a Twitter? Wow if I had a Twitter no one would follow me.” When people say that they're really saying, “Why do you have a Twitter? No one cares what you have to say.” Well eventually we all start to think people care what we have to say, and we start tweeting incessantly. It's a fact of life. #poop Uploading pictures of your food: Whether it's on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook, we all make fun of the people who upload pictures of their food. But after a while of being exposed to other people doing it, it starts to seem
what’s inside
completely acceptable. You'll sit down at a nice restaurant, your food will arrive, it will be beautifully prepared, and you'll catch yourself whipping out your phone. You'll take that picture of that sexy piece of French toast. You'll hate yourself for it but you'll upload it. And for some reason it just seems okay now. (Go ahead and upload that tall glass of chocolate milk #nofiler.) Phew, what a load to get off our chests. What with the invasive lifestyles we partake in, it feels difficult to just have a moment of honesty, something true, something real. How profound. God, someone better like this on Facebook, share it on Twitter, and post a selfie of them reading it on Instagram... OR ELSE I'LL KILL MYSELF!
Top Ten Things Not to Do in a College Bathroom
The Black Sheep Christmas Wishlist
Dinkytown rules, but your shrinking wallet doesn’t.
Having sex in a public bathroom stall is inappropriate behavior. Oh, you already knew that?
You, like, really like us (well, at least pretend to).
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contents page 5: How the Mitt Sold Christmas
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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A political twist on a Dr. Seuss classic.
page 6: from the streets What's your favorite dessert?
Table of
page 7: New Mel Gibson Movie! It's about a white basketball team that overcomes all the odds in a predominately black league. #deep
page 11: bartender of the week Ross from Sally's just wants an excuse to punch people in the face.
pages 13: We Interview: Nick Waterhouse California boy makes "old school" rhythm and blues cool again.
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week quipster:
A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic. “What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot? Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
photographer It COULD be you!
Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising ManagerS Hannah Comer, Eddie Lund
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Brady Knutson, Nik Strand Ryan Tomkins, Zack Chase
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
distribution manager Eddie Lund
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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The Top ten
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theblacksheeponline.com
Things Not To Do In A Campus Bathroom 10) Pee on the Seat: Guys, seriously, they make urinals for a reason. Girls, if you pee on the seat then congrats, you’ve achieved the impossible. High fives all around, though don’t expect one from us, you unsanitary son of a bitch. 9) Eat Lunch: There’s no reason you should be in a situation where you have to eat your lunch while in the restroom. That Subway sandwich can wait in line as you finish up clearing out your lower intestine, you sick soul. 8) Talk on the Phone: For god’s sake, please get off of the phone when you enter a restroom. We don’t want to hear your stupid conversation about how Sally won’t have sex with you because she thinks you’re already hooking up with Martha. Please, keep all conversation to a minimum, especially if you try to…
A Guide to Late Night Eating In Dinkytown umn staff wrote this It’s happening again. You’ve downed three hundred PBRs and your unsure why you feel so hungry. Now the only question is where to go to solve your late night hunger problem. Here is a quick guide to the best places for food in Dinkytown, and why each of them will make you feel terrible about yourself later. McDonald’s: McDonald’s is a place where you go to eat when all else fails, or you had so much to drink you don’t care about what you are putting in your body. You’re going to be stuck in a line surrounded by assholes who only want to refuel themselves before returning to their pussy hunt. Still, McDonald’s has a few benefits. The Red Box machine is a great way to coerce that girl ahead of you—the one ordering the twenty-piece nuggets—that you’re just going to “watch a movie.” Bingo. Dinner, a movie, and a little bit of some cheek-clapping ahead of you. Mesa Pizza: Mesa Pizza is a staple of Dinkytown, hands-down it’s the best pizza place on campus. But why would you want to go to a place infested with freshmen and long lines? Answer: You don’t. Going to Mesa Pizza at 2a.m. has to be one of the worst experiences you can have. Not only do you have to wait forever to get in the front door, you have to wait for a cooked pizza to cook even more. If you’re willing to spend time with annoying freshmen for a slice of pizza then more power to you If not, it’s time to find a new late night food joint. Qdoba: It’s hard to say no to gigantic, notauthentic-at-all burritos loved dearly by the American populous, though it doesn’t make sense economically or physically to get a three-pound burrito late at night. There’s a reason you haven’t lost any of the weight you
gained freshman year. They may be so tasty that you just can’t turn it down, but if you do, Sunday mornings you rise three pounds lighter and ten dollars richer. Jimmy John’s: Jimmy John’s should be everyone’s first option when it comes to getting the late-night munchies. It’s cheap, it’s healthy(ish) and the staff will blast you in the stomach with their enthusiasm for both sandwiches and life. Last off, they’ll deliver to your door, which is helpful when you’re passed out just inside of it. Tony’s Diner: Sure, Tony’s Diner might not be open too late, but it’s one of the best places to eat as the night winds down. There won’t be many lines, which is a welcome change from every other restaurant on campus. The greatest part about Tony’s is the fact you can order a beer with the cheeseburger and fries. And it gets better: two-for-ones. Not only do you some cheap food, you get two beers for the price of one. And although the beer selection leaves something to be desired, that doesn’t really matter when you’re hungry, drunk, and your standards have disappeared. It’s like the opposite sex in a dark bar!
7) Talk to the Person in the Stall Next to You: This seems like something no one would ever do in the history of ever, but there are some weird assholes who want to socialize during an intimate moment on the toilet. Bring a book, text someone, but whatever you do, never ever talk to someone else during this very private ritual. 6) Sing or Hum: Don’t be that annoying asshole who hums “Some Nights” by FUN. Interjecting moans of pain as your sideways poop nugget plops out of your ass ruins an alreadytired song for good. 5) Vomit: If you’re too hungover to go to class, don’t go. And guess who has to clean your puke up? Poor student custodians. And don’t cover your puke with toilet paper; it’ll harden to the puke and turn into an impenetrable rock with crystal-strength that no one can get off the tiles of the bathroom. 4) Change Your Clothes: Do this for yourself. You’ve seen what goes on in public bathrooms (note: much of the above), do you really want to subject your business wear to the perils of poop particles? 3) Shave Your Pubes: We should run DNA tests on those culprits who think this is acceptable communal bathroom practice. Then we can have government agents secretly become their friend, grow out their pubes for one year, and shave that massive bush all over their face while the culprit sleeps. We’ll call them the Pube Patrol. 2) Have Sex: Do not have sex in campus bathrooms. It sounds fun, but you’re doing a major disservice to everyone else. You essentially waste an entire bathroom for something you could be doing at home. In a bed. With blankets. And your roommates listening in. You know how many people are going to want to use your love cave for the purpose it was intended for? A lot. Now no one can take the poop they wanted to, and you have in turn ruined everyone’s day.
Five Guys: Five Guys isn’t the number one choice of most students, but you can get a super deal if you play your cards right. First off, don’t get a burger. All you need to get is an order of regular Cajun fries and you are set for the night. Those fries will feed you and one of your closest buddies, and maybe even the hippie kids always begging for change. In the long run it’s best to avoid getting food after a solid night of partying. Sure, right now you’re comfortable with the freshman fifteen, or the junior thirty, but a light wallet and a fat ass do tend to go hand in hand.
1) Masturbate: As much as we want to think this never happens on campus, it has to happen. People masturbate in public bathrooms, and that’s horrible. Just think about all the man-goo that’s painted toilet seats you’ve sat on in your life. You’ll never use a public restroom again.
umn staff wrote katrina nicholson wrotethis this
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
How the Mitt Sold Christmas Alex Everard wrote this Mr. Romney sat atop Mount Mitt, with his iPhone 6 and tightly-knit polo sweater Staring down at America, those dimwits and forty-seven percenters He plotted real hard, he plotted with malice—just how to avenge those who cast the wrong ballot He could buy all their businesses, flip them, and sell ‘em for profit! He could drown the whole country with his Marvelous Money Faucet! Alas, it struck him—an idea of pure gold Mitt would steal all their toys and sell China the molds! Yes that would surely ruin this holiday season For all the middle-class kids and blue-color heathens He strapped his dog to the roof of his Porsche Down Mount Mitt he flew, screaming, “Romney SELLS Christmas, of course!” He broke into the houses with their measly two stories And stole the twerps’ toys to reap all the glory He was almost finished, just one more house to rob ‘Twas a house in Detroit, and Mitt laughed ‘til he sobbed “HA! This place; what a terrible city! Would have gone bankrupt underneath Ole Mitty!” He waltzed right in, without even having to knock And said under his breath, “LAWL, too poor to buy locks!” He took all the toys, but as he readied to dash Little Billy Bluecollar appeared, covered in trash “What are you doing, mister? Aren’t those my toys?”
Mitt relied on debate strategy to remain calm and coy “Oh no, little boy, I’m getting them fixed! Only the Chinese can mend this PlayStation disc!” Billy seemed suspicious, but Mitt said, “Blame Obama!” Then he drove his Porsche home and prepared for the drama Christmas Day he awoke early, laughing and stumbling “Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch the middle-class crumbling!” But that didn’t happen, much to Mitt’s confusion Americans seemed sad, but not disillusioned “Oh well,” they all sighed, “Looks like another recession.” “We lost all the toys, but we won’t lose the lesson.” They gathered around the tree in Rockefeller Center And began to sing songs with cheer and great splendor Just then, they say, while we ignored the worst for the best Something strange happened beneath Mitt’s money vest His heart began beating, and beating quite fast His heart beat so much it began to gain mass! It grew and it grew until it could grow no more! Then Mitt shouted, with a tear, “It’s not your fault that you’re poor!” He jumped in his Porsche and down Mount Mitt he shot Throwing toys and wads of money at every spot The kids began yelling, “It’s Ole Mitt, he’s back! I knew he’d fix our toys without any flack!” “Yes, kids, your Ole Mitt saved the day! And I fixed all these toys the American way!”
He made it rain in New York, Chicago, and Tennessee He made it rain on ‘dem kids from sea to shining sea But he made sure to stop in Detroit before he left To see Billy Bluecollar and give him the rest “Here you go, Billy, enough for a billion new games,” And Mitt handed little Billy all the money from Bain “Wow, Mister Romney, that’s millions of dollars!” “Just say thank you, Little Billy, and fix your blue collar.” And with that, he was gone, back up to Mount Mitt Where he still lives lavishly, but learned quite a bit Yes, as the story goes, as all the history books say Mitt Romney’s small heart grew six sizes that day.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s your favorite Dessert? “I’d have to go with cookies.” - Brittany, Junior
“Uh, cheesecake.” - Cody, Senior
"[Laughs] Hmm. [Friend whispers 'cheesecake.'] Oh, okay, cheesecake.” - Sunny, Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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New Mel Gibson Movie:
White Basketball Team Overcomes Odds in Predominately Black League John McHoneyCombs wrote this Director Mel Gibson is reportedly trying to break new ground in his undergoing project, Snowball: The Story of Overcoming Adversity in the City. The story revolves around the high school St. Paul’s Catholic Academy in inner-city Detroit, as their all-white basketball team tries to make a name for themselves against the other, primarily African American, schools in the heart of Detroit. Mr. Gibson explained his vision in further detail, “Well I got the idea after watching Remember the Titans and Coach Carter. Those movies were so inspiring, but I just couldn’t identify myself with many of the characters. I knew I had to make my own movie that would deal with many of the same issues young white boys deal with growing up in the city.” The movie features Elijah Wood and Tobey Maguire who play best friends dealing with the trials and tribulations that an all-white team might face in a predominately African American league. “My character’s name is Oscar,” Mr. Wood started. “He knows that there’s more to life than just good grades and the chess club. Oscar fights hard to escape the same classroom that had claimed his father, who started his own company immediately following graduation from an Ivy League school.” Tobey Maguire elaborated on his character as well. “My character, James, has two parents that are always there for him, encouraging him, and it just seems like the whole world wants to lift him up, but what about lifting him up on the court?” As the cast list started to come in, it was revealed that acting legend John Goodman would be playing the role of Coach Cory. “My character faces a lot of scrutiny from the public who says that
these kids should be preparing for their successful futures, not playing a game in a league they’re clearly not cut out for. That’s where my character shines; he wants to show these kids that it’s not just about talent, but also establishing fundamentals.” In one heartwarming scene (leaked early to the press), Coach Cory drills his team on the importance of passing, free throws, and three pointers. Just when it becomes clear the team is one win away from making it into the playoffs, tragedy strikes, and Wood’s character gets accepted to Brown on an academic scholarship. “There’s a truly gutwrenching scene when I’m in the counselor’s office and am told that my scholarship does not allow me to play on the basketball team,” Mr. Wood explained. “We suspect this may be the Oscarwinning moment right here.” However, the team finds some much needed advice and support from an unexpected cameo. Initially, the studio tried to get Larry Bird to come in for the role, but after he deemed the whole project “distasteful” they were able to settle on former Chicago Bulls player, Toni Kukoc. “I was so excited for this role. I haven’t done squats since I played with Jordan, but hey, at least I got a ring out of proximity. In the movie I draw on real life examples and tell the kids that the Bulls probably would’ve lost five more games had I not boxed out, sat in the post, and cleared the way for Jordan or Pippen.” The film has met some backlash by the NAACP and several other Hollywood actors, including Denzel Washington, Cuba Gooding Jr., and Samuel L. Jackson. “These motherfuckers must’ve lost their motherfucking minds,” Mr. Jackson commented after read-
ing over parts of the script. Denzel Washington also had a few choice words, “So they just took my movie, turned it into basketball, and put John Goodman in it? Who the hell chooses John Goodman for an inspiring sports role anyway? The man couldn’t coach a tee ball league. No athlete likes being bossed around by a guy who’s on the line for obesity. It’s a bit hypocritical.” Morgan Freeman plainly remarked, “This movie is more racist than the first half of American History X.” While there are naysayers out there, we at The Black Sheep expect this film to be a resounding success. It may be a bit premature in saying so, but we’re going to do it anyway: Oscar, anyone?
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FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS IN NOVEMBER: $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light
THURSDAY 11/29
9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
Thirsty Thursday! $2 U-Call-Its: 9pm - Close
AUC2D! (All-U-Care-2-Drink) (college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps, $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O Bombs, $3 Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers, $15 "Group Sex" Fishbowls
FRIDAY 11/30
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails Live Music 10pm - Close
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SATURDAY 12/1
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 7-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $25 Fishbowls 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $6.50 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands, $4 Bacardi Mixers $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light
SUNDAY 12/2
6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
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MONDAY 12/3
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Mason Jar Monday! $3 Bud & Bud Light, Double Wells, Double Jack and SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers
TUESDAY 12/4
8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
$3 U-Call-It's
WEDNESDAY 12/5
8pm - Close: 2-for-1's $3 Pitcher of Wings 10pm - Close
Wings N Things $0.29 Wings: 4pm - 10pm $2 Rails & Tier 1 Taps: e9pm - Close
$0.15 Wings 9pm 'til They're Gone! $8 Bottomless Mugs of Miller Lite, Wells and Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 Miller High Life Tall Boys
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$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $4 Select Bombs: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
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SATURDAY 12/1
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SUNDAY 12/2
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Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 12/4
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
Legendary wild wednedays: college id night
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
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Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Captain and Jack Drinks $3 Domestic Tall Boys $4 1800 Silver and Reposado shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $4 Domestic Tall Boys, $3 Sauza Tequila shots, $3 Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
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Power Hour 10pm - 12am: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles | Free Cocktail Hour: 11pm - 12am (w/ college ID) | $3 U-Call-It 11pm Close (Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails and Calls) $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
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The Black Sheep Christmas Wishlist Dillon McLaughlin wrote this For the next month greed takes hold and we demand that our loved ones supply us with material possessions. We call this “holiday cheer.” Since we’re human (mostly) on The Black Sheep staff, we too are susceptible to holiday cheer. Which means that you, dear reader, are going to have to pick up the slack on what our parents and grandparents can’t provide. It’s a short list, so don’t worry, you shouldn’t be any more in debt than, say, the feds. 1.) The iPhone 5: We’re busy, like all the time. So when we need to get some emailing done, ain’t nothing better than an iPhone. The big screens really help with procrastination, like when our deadlines are coming at us like a freight train and we decide to download Angry Birds: Star Wars instead. 2.) Chocolate: Preferably Cadbury. Most of our meetings focus on analyzing the consistency of a bar of chocolate. What a lot of people don’t know is that density and melting point vary from bar to bar. The only reason that the melting point is listed as 98.6°F is because that’s the average temperature. In reality, the melting point can range from 96° to 99°. We have literally dozens of spreadsheets from this semester alone. As it happens, our stockpiles are quickly running out and we’re getting desperate. Two hundred pounds should do the trick.
speare, and Rochester, and we’re big fans of theirs. Problem is, we haven’t got the cash (see number 3) to fund the trip we want. But here at The Black Sheep, we’re big believers in the generosity of man, so we’re sure you can pick up the tab on this one. It’s not that much. We’ve got a staff of roughly fifteen and if you figure it’d cost about three grand for each one, that’s only about $45,000. If each reader throws in maybe $250, we’d be leavin’ on a jet plane and not sure when we’d be back again.
3) Cash: We’re broke here. This isn’t exactly a paying gig, and, while we’re having a good time doing it, it’s not sustainable. We’ve had quite the memorable run-in with financial misunderstandings. So your donation could go a long way to preserving the life of a The Black Sheep writer. For only $20 a day, our lifestyles of whoring, drinking, gambling, and occasional writing can go uninterrupted. For $25 a day, you’ll cover our rent. We’ve fallen on hard times, so every little bit counts.
5.) Shopping spree at Dick’s: All our writers love exercise. Or, more specifically, being really into it for three weeks before abruptly stopping and playing video games for hours at a time. If there’s one thing we’re really good at here at The Black Sheep, it’s making resolutions. A shopping spree at Dick’s would do wonders for us. We’d never run out of impulsively-bought exercise equipment to ignore.
4.) All expenses paid trip to London: Across the pond is where satire really took off, and we’d love to get back to our roots. You’ve probably heard of guys like Chaucer, Shake-
Hopefully you can find it in your heart to not be a selfish bastard this holiday season. So come on, fork it over, we have to go exploit grandma in an hour.
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week ross g. sallys Age: 22 Status: Taken Fave Beer: Summit Winter Ale Fave Shot: Rumple Minze Which celeb do you want to punch in the face: Nicki Minaj or Justin Bieber. What is the worst pick-up line you've ever heard: “My love for you is like diarrhea, I can't control it.” What Disney character would you most want to hook up with: Rafiki, because he looks so freaky, or Pocahontas. What's the weirdest thing you've seen while working: Some dude was with his wife, but totally hitting on some girl at the bar. He was ignoring his wife, the wife stormed out, and the guy kept on doing his business.
the drinking game
Campus Winter X-Games In a matter of days campustown will be buried under a foot of snow and unprepared students will be forced to trudge across the icy tundra to class. The only thing better than sitting on your porch watching these poor fools struggling is sitting on your porch watching these poor fools struggling with a big glass of Irish eggnog at your side. What You’ll Need: A warm coat, a chair, and some booze. Number of Players: As many people that want to play. Level of Intoxication: The further north you live the drunker you will get. How to Play: Take one drink when: - You see someone grossly underdressed and shivering. - Somebody gets hit with a snowball. - Somebody is wearing an obnoxious Christmas sweater. Take two drinks when: - Somebody is way overdressed. - Somebody is attempting to ride their bike in the snow. - Somebody gets pushed over into a snow drift.
Take three drinks when: -Somebody slips on ice. -Somebody builds or destroys a snowman. Finish your drink when: -You witness a fender-bender. -Somebody mistakes an ice-chunk for a snowball with hilarious consequences.
Game Ends When: Either you get tired of drinking or frostbite sets in.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
If you could create a holiday, what would it be: A day where bartenders and servers were allowed to punch anyone in the face at any time. If your picture was on the front page of a newspaper what would the headline say: “Former Bartender Inducted into Porn Hall of Fame: The Story of Filipino Fire.” If you could trade places with anyone for a week, who would it be: Martin Scorsese, so I can direct some badass movies. What dead person would you want to bring back to life: Heath Ledger, he’s amazing at everything, and isn't in movies anymore. If you could have a superpower what would it be: Teleportation What is one thing you don't want your parents to know about you: I have a tattoo on my buttcheek.
Recipe for Disaster
Ooey Gooey Chocolate chief Brownies There’s nothing better than the good old-fashioned brownies that grandma used to make. Well, unless you mix some pot in it, too! Don’t let your conscience or DEA relative stop you from deliciousness. Waking and baking has never been so easy or tasty. What You’ll Need: 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, 2 cups of pot butter, 2 cups white sugar, 3 eggs, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, and 1 cup all-purpose flour. Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Eating these might cause you to eat more brownies, you fatty fat. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. - Microwave chocolate and pot butter in large bowl on high for 2 minutes or until butter is melted. - Stir until chocolate is melted. - Stir in sugar, eggs, vanilla, and flour. - Spread in greased 9 x 13 inch pan. - Bake for 35 minutes. You should bring these to your family’s Christmas dinner. Wouldn’t you love to see grandma ripped out of her mind? Sure, your mom would be upset, but seriously, can’t we, like, all just chill and get along?
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
A Party, Carol
(Apologies to Charles Dickens) By: Brendan
T
he show was dead to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The DJ spun haplessly while the security looked onto the vacant dance floor happily. Carol had been to shows like this before, and she knew this one was dead in the water. Oh! But she was a pill-addled sound hound, Carol. She would chase MDMA with ketamine, washing down her cocktail with simultaneous hits from a nitrous tank and a bong. For this Carol was well-known in the rave scene, notorious for her love of intoxicants. Bros and hoes alike would recoil at the ghastly visage of dilated pupils and an ear-to-ear grin.
to tunnel to a pinpoint. “Stay calm,” Carol thought to herself, “Keep breathing, you’ve been through this before.” Sure enough, the darkness retreated from her vision. Standing before her now was a small girl. Carol was concerned, muttering, “Little girl, what are you doing here?” “What are you doing here?” said the girl. Carol was growing suspicious. “I’m allowed to be here, you, on the other hand, it must be past your bedtime. Let’s go find a sec—“
But what did Carol care! It was the very thing she liked. To thrust herself into a crowded pit, with all human reckoning at a distance.
“No Carol,” the little girl said, “what are you doing here? I’d guess a fair amount of MDMA, definitely some cocaine, and…acid?”
She had a dozen hits of acid in her back pocket, a hitter rod, a gram of pure molly, a few bumps of coke and all the beer she could convince these loser boys to buy her. Just then Rob Crotchitch—a freshman whom Carol regularly saw at these events—scampered up.
Astonished, Carol replied, “How…what?”
“You holding?” He asked, hopefully. “I suppose you’re not.” Carol uttered out of the side of her mouth. “If you have a hit—anything, I’ll take it.” “I don’t.” Crotchitch looked despondent, “Well, if anything does turn up, don’t forget about ole’ Robbie.” “Right,” Carol said as Rob scampered back into the fog-heavy darkness. When Carol was certain Rob could no longer see her she dashed to the restroom, set on getting her fix. Locking the stall door behind her, Carol fished in her pockets for her stash. “Get my drugs, will you, Rob?” she muttered under angry breath, “Not on my watch.” With that she swallowed everything in her possession, certain to enjoy her night alone. As she exited the bathroom Carol was shocked to see Rob Crotchitch. “What were you doing in there, Carol?” It was more accusation than question. “None of your business, Rob.” The interrogation continued, “Well then, what’s that white stuff under your nose?” Carol knew she was had. Choosing to drop any pretence of innocence, she came clean. “Yeah, so what? They’re mine. My drugs, my body.” “I’ve—I’ve,” he stammered, jaw on the floor, “I want to take psychoactives and go on adventures in my mind. I want to dance with pink elephants and talk to toad princes, and you, Carol, you’ve taken that away! A bad trip, that’s what I hope you have!” Rob danced back into the darkness. Carol stood for a moment in silence before letting out a cackle, certain to stare at a wall while contemplating the universe’s deepest secrets.
S
ome hours had passed by, loud music crawling over Carol’s body as she danced, blissfully unaware of her surroundings. Then, in a moment her vision began
“Carol, I’m not a child. I’m the Ghost of Parties Past. I’d like to show you something.” Before she knew it, Carol’s vision was again narrowing, pulling back to reveal a sunny day in the back yard of her parents’ house. “Is this - ?” “Yes Carol, it is,” the ghost assured her. “And this isn’t just any old day. It’s July 30th, 1999.” “My seventh birthday?” Just then a small girl ran outside, flitting left and right giggling, smiling, with cake frosting covering her face. “Mom, look! Butterflies!” The young girl squealed.
Carol snapped her head back at the Ghost of Parties Present saying, “That’s me!” before hearing it echo behind her moments later.
“Like I said, two hours. I’m not going to let this wedding go to shit because you can’t get your head out of your own ass.”
“It most certainly is, but look again.”
Carol’s mind started racing. She’d like to have gotten married a little earlier in life, but she couldn’t object to this.
Carol did, and her shock slowly turned to embarrassment. She was staring blankly into the distance, muttering nonsense to an illusion no one else could see. Behind her were boys and girls pointing, sniggering, mocking a girl destined for YouTube shame. The Ghost of Parties Present whispered, “This is what you defend?” “I don’t have to answer to anyone, get me out of—“ Just then her vision began to go dim before snapping back. She turned her head intending to confront those standing behind her laughing. Instead, there stood a withered old woman taking a drag off of a cigarette.
“A
nd who the hell are you?”
The ghost looked sadly at Carol. “Yes, your seventh birthday. Look at how carefree you are. Hopped up on nothing more than sugar and irrational love of butterflies, you’re enjoying life. No drugs, no beer, no vague nihilistic sense that everything is for naught.”
“I’d have thought you’d have this figured out by now,” the woman ashed her cigarette on the floor.
Tears were welling up in Carol’s eyes but she fought them back, defending herself. “Yeah, but things are different now. Life’s different—it’s harder, I have class and work and things are just…different now.”
“Certainly.”
“Yes Carol, they are,” the Ghost of Parties Past said as Carol’s vision again began to tunnel.
A
s Carol regained her vision there was a boy of her age dressed in a white collared shirt and black dress slacks standing in front of her. “And you are?” she asked flatly. She was getting the hang of this. “I’m the Ghost of Parties Present.” “I supposed you’re taking me to see some more butterflies or something, right?” Carol was getting annoyed. “Show me that everything’s still wonderful if you’re willing to just…I don’t know, be a moron who lets out her inner child, or something?” The Ghost of Parties Present remained calmly distant, “No Carol, I’d just like you to turn around.” She did, just in time to see an oddly familiar face saying, “…know, be a moron who lets out her inner child, or something?”
“Well, can you just do the vision thing so we can get this over with?”
Moments later Carol found herself at the doorstep of a large mansion. Perfectly-manicured shrubs nestled up against an ark of a house. She turned around to see a driveway lined with unpronounceable Italian cars. “This doesn’t seem so bad.” The Ghost of Parties Future agreed, “You’re right, let’s head inside.” Carol and the apparition winded through endless hallways for what seemed like hours, never running into another soul. Finally, Carol heard some conversation in the distance. “What? No. I said I needed you to make sure the roses were delivered this morning.” Carol smiled, she loved roses. “Listen, they need to be here in two hours or I’m simply not paying for them.” And he’s assertive. Carol looked at the ghost and smiled. The ghost looked grim. “Let’s keep walking,” she said. Soon they turned a corner. A man in his late forties continued to argue over the phone.
“Yes, the name’s Robert Crotchitch.” Her heart sank. She spun around to confront the Ghost of Parties Future. “Just what in the hell is this? There’s no way I’m marrying fuckin’ Rob Crotchitch.” “I know you’re not, just watch.” Soon enough out strolled a young 20-something woman. Beautiful, tall, lithe, she walked up to Robert and kissed him softly. Rob looked mildly distressed. “Baby, I’m not supposed to see you until the ceremony.” “I know,” the model said, “but I just wanted to say again…” “I know.” Carol looked at the ghost, “What is the meaning of all this?” The Ghost of Parties Future lit up another menthol, sucking in a lungful of smoke. “Earlier tonight you denied Rob Crotchitch anything. Hurt, he left. Walking home he had an idea—a way to improve distribution models for pharmaceutical companies the world over. He threw himself into the idea. By the time he was 25 he was already worth hundreds of millions of dollars. He sold, retired early, and lives his dreams, all because you chose not to give him a hit of acid.” “But—“ “There’s no buts about it, Carol. While you burn out, he burns bright. You helped him get to where he is, no doubt, but he doesn’t owe you a damn thing.” Carol was beginning to panic, “And what about me?” “Not a damn thing…” the words rung in Carol’s ears as her vision again narrowed. When she came to she was lying in her bed. It was morning. “I’m never doing drugs again,” she thought to herself. Moments later she sucked a hit of weed from a bowl, intent on napping away last night’s nightmare. “Well, no more drugs, starting tomorrow.”
the interview
nick waterhouse
Nick Waterhouse, a self-described California rhythm and blues man, knows his roots, and he funks the fuck out of them. On tour in Europe, he happily answered some of our questions about his breed of music. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When it comes to songwriting, how do you approach it? Nick Waterhouse: I’ve found that some songs begin as larger, vague conceptions, like a fog, where I have this blob of rhythm and sounds, as well as concept or theme. Then I have to squint harder through the fog to figure it out. It’s almost like attempting to “remember” the parts, like I’m remembering something I never knew. It’s very close to the feeling of waking and trying to recall specifics of a dream. Once I’ve sorted that out, I find it’s often the rhythms that come about. I’ll have a rhythm or drum part with notes that often follow those in my mind. It’s the same with fragments of words. Some songs have lines that are years old that I’ve scratched somewhere that take on a different dimension. The material on Time’s All Gone, much of it was being prepared for live performance while I was developing it, so I would approach my musicians and say, “Drums, repeat this bit.” Then I’m having the bass do a figure that makes sense, or giving people chords to fall under. It’s really adding layers and layers after that, and following the changes I had mapped out before involving other people. TBS: When you’re recording a song does it have to be perfect before you’re happy with it, or do little flaws add a certain amount of honesty to the music? NW: Strangers tell me I make really over-perfect music, and strangers tell me I make really flawed music. What I will say is that I refuse to do anything until I feel it’s right, and only I know what that is. I really believe in an organic approach to performance and recording, but having high standards. TBS: You obviously have a lot of R&B/soul influences, how did you get interested in that kind of music? NW: People talk about how language works in the brain, and what your “native” inner voice is thinking in. I always heard things like Van Morrison, BB King, John Lee Hooker, Aretha Franklin, soul or R&B, whatever you’d like to call it, growing up. I also heard a lot of those sounds reflected in things that were rock and roll, whether it was Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Kinks, Stones, whatever. You know, when you are 15 and you are fantasizing about performing “Daddy Rolling Stone” in a sweaty club, and not about winning a baseball game, or shredding guitar, or driving off in a new Mercedes with a babe, it’s the sort of a personal truth that might tell you where your heart is. TBS: Do you ever worry that your music may be - for lack of a better term - too old school for modern listeners? NW: I only worry about it when people want to talk to me about it. I really didn’t care when I made all the music you hear on the record. I really, really didn’t care because I am a modern person and I was making something that made absolute sense to me in the present -- which really had nothing to do with eras, and had a lot more to do with combination of personality, artistry, and craftsmanship. TBS: The “Some Place” video looked like it was a riot to make; any good stories come out of it? NW: The best part of that video was the fact that we ran out of fake champagne bottles in the rental limo scene, and had to do take after take of me with the real deal. By the end of that shoot it was definitely beyond method. TBS: For something like that video, is it actually fun to do, or is it work making it look like that much fun? NW: It is work unless you’re getting drunk. But then you’re drunk on champagne, not my favorite feeling, and having to continue shooting as your buzz wears off and the headache sets in. TBS: Your brand of music translates really well to a live show, but what’s your approach to live music? NW: Every song is a case-by-case basis, and should be performed as such. To me, one disconnect I have noticed is that I cut much of my album very live, so people are thrown by how much I manage to get the same sound in a live setting, almost as if they’ve been conditioned to expect less. The thing is, all the recordings were sung and played 110%, so if you get that live feeling, you shouldn’t feel cheated. TBS: What do you think is the best thing to happen to music in the last 10 years? NW: The internet. TBS: The worst? NW: What everyone did with the internet. The continued perpetuation of the same methods under the guise of liberation. Pitchfork is essentially the Castro regime of music culture -- they represent the largest potential promise of a new kind of society that became a dictatorship as bad as or worse than the one it replaced. TBS: What band did you like as a child that that today you’re like, “Really, Nick? Them?” NW: Reggie and the Full Effect. Adolescence was very confusing. TBS: If you could have a mythological creature as a pet, what would you choose and why? NW: Easy. Mermaid. It would be like I had Bimbo’s 365 club floor in my living room. Slightly erotic, not much cleanup. I’m really an ocean person at heart.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Killing Them Softly In Theaters November 30th Based off the 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, this gangster crime film stars impossibly sexy Brad Pitt as a professional enforcer who investigates a heist that occurs during a high-stakes, mob-protected poker game. Assumedly lots of crime and shady business happens in-between the all star cast, featuring actors continuing to get rich off of Italian stereotypes, James Gandolfini and Ray Liotta. Award season, here they come!
Catfish: The TV Show Monday, December 3rd at 11pm on MTV Nev Shulman’s TV show brain-child (inspired by his own online relationship gone awry) showcases yet another couple who’ve developed a supposedly very real online relationship and are mad in love. In this episode, two young people are fittin’ to meet IRL after two years of hot and heaving texting. Will it be a catfish, or will it be true love?
Ke$ha - Warrior Out December 4th The glittery passed-out Princess of Pop seems to be turning a new leaf on her second studio album, Warrior. Coming off of a spiritual journey where she “just needed to play with animals,” Ke$ha came back to record a magical album that finally shows her relatively decent pipes. Listen to her lead single “Die Young,” and check out her Bob Dylan cover of “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” to hear those impressive vocals.
Al l nighter l i brary Drinking game You’ll be stuck in the library for the better part of this week. And if you’re not stuck in the library, you’ll be thinking about how you should be in the library studying instead of “taking a break before the next exam” by taking shots of absinthe up the keister. Never fear, with The Black Sheep’s Library Drinking Game, you can pull an all-nighter in the library while taking a booze break at the same time! No more guilt for you, it’s all good grades from here on out!
8 p.m. – 11 p.m.
3 a.m. – 5 a.m.
Take a drink for every fleeting feeling of confidence you have. Take a drink every time you think “I’ve got plenty of time!” Take drink when you think about regulating your caffeine intake. Take two drinks for every video you catch yourself watching instead of studying. Take two drinks every time you catch yourself deep in the random acquaintance area of Facebook. Take five drinks when you realize you’ve been here three hours and haven’t even opened your book.
Take a drink after “one chapter down, nine to go!” Take a drink when you realize you’re the only person in the library. Take a drink when it’s time to get another coffee. Take a drink when you have to “Just get up and walk around a little bit.” Take two drinks when you forlornly look out the window for twenty minutes. Take three drinks while having acidic, molten coffee craps. Finish your drink when you start heading home, then turn around and GET BACK IN THE GOD DAMN LIBRARY.
11 p.m. – 1 a.m.
5 a.m. – 8 a.m.
Take a drink when you finally open your book. Take a drink every time someone comes and goes from your table. Take two drinks if you decide you’ll concentrate better in one of those cube things. Take two drinks every time library security walks by. Take two drinks when you spend 10 minutes organizing iTunes. Finish your drink if you start spending more time asking around for Adderall than actually studying.
Take a drink when you decide it’s nap time, again. Take a drink when you hit snooze, then flip everyone off for glaring at you because your phone just blew up. Take two drinks when you write a “Genius sentence, the real kicker to this paper, the one that solidifies an A” but it’s the only sentence you’ve written so far. Take two drinks when a librarian tells you not to lean back in your chair. Finish your drink when you think “I studied drunk so that means I have to take the test drunk. Because science.”
1 a.m. – 3 a.m.
8 a.m. – test time
Take a drink when you think “Being drunk in the library is actually pretty fun!” Take a drink when you wake up with the pages of your book stuck you your face. Take a drink for every other person sleeping in the library. Take two drinks to wash down the third bag of Hot Cheetos you just bought from the vending machine. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you “accidentally” start looking at porn. Finish your drink when you start crafting a sob-story excuseemail to your professor.
Take a drink when you think “fuck school, man, life is for livin’”. Take a drink when the sun comes up. Take two drinks when an overwhelming, albeit false sense of accomplishment washes over you. Take two drinks when you realize there have been other students soberly plugging away for three straight days. Take three drinks when you see someone else from your class. (Four if they’re drunk too.) Take five drinks when you start walking to the wrong final. Finish your drink when your professor grants you permission to miss the final. Really finish your drink when you realize you now have to kill your grandma.
the crossword
in the year 2000 Across
3) One of the official Olympic mascots was a native bird. 7) He lost to George W. 8) 2000 marked the start of a new this. 9) Sean Parker’s website that got sued by Metallica. 12) The fastest selling rap album of all time happened this year, by this white boy. 14) John Mellencamp received a Doctorate of Music from this university. 19) N*SYNC set a first-week sales record with this album. 20) This show gave us a glimpse into some ballin’ pads.
11) This country got second at the Olympics. 13) This pop princess won Best New Artist. 15) The Academy Award for Best Picture. 16) The Razz for Worst Film, starring Will, Will Smith. 17) Had the sketch “In The Year 2000.” 18) This artist changed his name back from his former unpronounceable symbol.
Down
1) This team won their third straight World Series championship. 2) This city won the Super Bowl. 4) This lady-focused TV channel launched in February. 5) Cory’s universe ended this year. 6) This artist won a record 8 Grammy’s in one night, tying Michael Jackson’s 1984 record. 10) These Olympics were down under.
Answers
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