The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue
Volume 3, Issue 14 12/13/12 - 12/21/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UMN
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: The Day Santa Claus Met the Minneapolis Hipsters
page 4
The most charitable man on Earth graces these cute-boot wearing activists.
page 5: are you smarter than... Tom, the guy with the big ole' afro?
Table of
page 6: from the streets How do you carry on your college lifestyle when home?
pages 11: The Christmas Movies Drinking Game Make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.
pages 13: the madlib FIll in the _______ about your last night in Minneapolis.
Be the first to live in UMN’s newest and best complex!
3 Bedroom Units, 5 Person Occupancy, for as Low as $410 a Person!
page 5
page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Pintessential
The undeniable urge to get very, very drunk immediately after completing one's last final of the semester. "Hey, I just totally bombed my chem final, I think it's pintessential that we go get blasted now that finals are over."
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
photographer It COULD be you!
Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Manager Eddie Lund
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Brady Knutson, Nik Strand Ryan Tomkins, Zack Chase
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
distribution manager Eddie Lund
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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The Top 10
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Events on campus Well, well - the semester is finally drawing to a close and we can all rest easy knowing there’s only really one more week of school left. So let’s sit back and recap the good, bad, and ugly events that went down on campus this term. 10.) Homecoming: We were all ready to forgive the Gophers’ embarrassing track record and let them redeem themselves with the homecoming game. We wanted them to win back our “school spirit” AKA “willingness to get drunk in the freezing cold.” And then they let us down. They’re almost as consistently embarrassing as the Vikings. Gophers, go crawl back into your holes. Shame on you! 9.) Capture The Flag: Nothing kills that hard-won social status you worked all freshman year for faster than being caught running around in a cat suit with a neon green headband. Despite the social stigma and all you haters, it is the most amazing game, besides Quidditch (but that is played in broad daylight).
The Day Santa Claus
Met the Minneapolis Hipsters Alyssa Hertig wrote this Once upon a time there was a group of jovial hipsters who were really excited about the snow and the charity and the holidays. They all gathered at Hard Times to get ready for Christmas and hand-write a letter to Santa inviting him to the University of Minnesota. Since Santa is a pretty famous, classy man, they requested that he meet them at Blue Nile for some Ethiopian food. Santa opened up his mail and thought carefully about this request. He had never stayed in Minneapolis for very long. So he did a little research over the internet and found out that Minneapolis was the home of the Juicy Lucy’s, so he decided he would stop there to say hello. Santa stepped into the restaurant at 2 p.m. central time. His big black boots hit the floor with a thud, and his big wispy beard got tangled in a nearby candle. He untangled it swiftly and bellowed a “Ho, ho, ho!” and marched over to the hipsters’ table. The hipsters sat there in awe, “You came!” they shrieked. After ordering their Ethiopian delights, the hipsters didn't know how to talk to Santa, so they talked amongst themselves about recycling and Infinite Jest. Santa listened patiently and dipped his fingers into a brown lentil dish when one of the hipsters spoke the first words directed at Santa. “What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?” he asked. “Hmmm, ho ho ho! That’s a very interesting question.” “It’s a joke,” he explained, blushing, his voice tart. “The answer is ‘frostbite.’” Santa roared with laughter. In fact, he laughed
so hard, he began to cough. A button flew from his velvet coat and hit a fat kid in the eye. The fatty started bleeding and cried for help. Then a long-haired student with a yellow turtleneck pointed at Santa’s unveiled underwear - it had a picture of Bella Swan peeking from the corner. Another hipster furiously lifted his head, “Santa, that is too ironic,” he said. The hipsters were offended. “We thought you were cool!” they exclaimed in unison. One of them shouted something about class warfare and Santa was swarmed by a flurry of purple flannel and sexy boots. The heated exchange was transferred to the outdoors. Santa wound up his arm and threw the first snowball. Dozens of pairs of black-rimmed glasses lay crushed in the snow. Nobody knew what to do. Snow flew everywhere, people were crying, and Santa towered over the defeated hipsters. Eric Kaler peeked from behind a corner, horrified by the state of The Blue Nile – three inches of snow covered the lobby.
8.) A.J. Barker Writes Not-So-Love-Letter: Sometimes-pretty-good-okay-not-great receiver and overall handsome dude A.J. Barker shocked the sports world after abruptly quitting the UMN football team. Quitting happens frequently, but Barker decided to scribe a vague missive about mistreatment at the hands of head coach Jerry Kill. Hey, what do you expect from a guy with a name like a murderer? 7.) The Continued Construction of the Light Rail: As Minnesotans are wont to do, we sit around speculate about any (and all) construction sites, like they’re some kind of amusement park. Never mind traffic or weather. Too bad it won’t be finished until we all graduate. 6.) Bill Clinton Says What’s Up: Our first black president (hat tip to Toni Morrison) swung on by to stump for our second black president, after Obama had to focus on those piddling East Coasters and their little wussy storm. What? A little water to clean out a hive of scum and villainy never hurt anyone. 5.) The Gays Get Gay: 51% to 48%, and suddenly the winter didn’t seem so dark for the LGBT community in Minnesota. Though it’s only a small step towards equality, the rejection of an amendment to ban same-sex marriage sure was a good thing. No jokes here, people. 4.) Halloween: Yeah, we dress up every year and it still results in pure gloriousness. This year especially, as it landed on a Wednesday, giving us two weekends to celebrate All Hallows' Eve. 3.) The Snowstorm: Maybe it’s just because the wound is so fresh, but after getting these 11 inches we sure know how your mom felt after she left your dad: Good and fucked. What with finals season here, it’s like the big man upstairs is trying to get us to fail out and reenroll in a school with a warmer climate. Hello, Florida? 2.) The Minneapolis Zombie Pub Crawl: How does it get any better than running around with friends on a packed night in October, drinking booze and swapping bloody saliva with any reasonably good-looking zombie next to you? And for once, this wasn’t an age-specific event. You might’ve met elementary school teachers or a war veteran from Vietnam. Oh and, everyone was dressed like a zombie.
Santa Claus began to laugh, “Ho ho ho! You were all already on my naughty list!” The hipsters didn’t know how to respond. They started to chuckle. And then they were all laughing and making snow angels. “Now we can say we can say we participated in an epic snowball fight with the most charitable man on earth, Santa Claus! That is truly cool.” “I really like the University of Minnesota; you have a great culture, very intelligent students, and a great selection of local hip hop artists!” Santa yelled as he flew away on his sleigh, laughing all the way.
1.) Reading The Black Sheep: Yes, yes thank you for reading our amazing work. It makes us all glad to know that our blood, sweat, and tears are what keep you guys going each and every day.
McKinley Johnson wrote katrina nicholson wrotethis this
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are you smarter than? tom, the guy with the big afro 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.
6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -- among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.
2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.
7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.
3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust?
8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?
4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.
9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?
5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.
10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.
correct answers:
1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
tom’s answers 1. Dealy Plaza in Dallas. 2. Hot, hotter, and hottest. 3. Tectonic plates. 4. Round. 5. Camera.
6. Hmm… Spock? 7. David Foster Wallace. 8. Mecca. 9. RNA! 10. Petraeus... Can't remember the first name.
tom's score: 6/10 correct
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theblacksheeponline.com
The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week Katrina Nicholson wrote this If you're looking to make finals week just a little more hellish, why not go all the way and get yourself thrown in jail. It provides a decent excuse for missing finals, and it demonstrates the amount of shits you have left to give, which is zero. So as you start to drift into a mental void, follow these few tips and let your primal self take over. Your brain is too tired to filter decisions anymore, so these should seem like no-brainers, you braindead wonder.
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How do you carry on your college lifestyle when home? "Oh boy. I’m a cheerleader, so practicing for that. Also, seeing family." - Travis, Freshman
Streaking the quad: Picture it - you're walking to your first final and you realize you're extremely under-prepared. There's no way you'll pass. You see a kid crying on a bench nearby because he just failed his final. Why bother ending up like him? You start to take off your backpack to join him, then you think, “Hey why not take my clothes off while I'm at it?” Next thing you know you're sprinting freely around the Knoll with a campus policeman at your heels – way better than being cramped up in a desk and bombing a test. Assaulting a professor: You know that professor who assigned you that 12-page paper due the week of finals – and is still having a final on top that paper? And remember how he's also assigning a presentation on the last day of class? Yeah, that asshole deserves to be slapped. Just a tiny slap right on the cheek. So go do it. This is your time. It will be worth spending a few nights (or months) in the slammer. Peeing your name onto the side of Wilson Library: You've spent enough time there for the past few weeks, why not mark your territory? Straight up whip it out right then and there and do a nice cursive, elongated version of your full name on the side of the building. Sure, it won't last long but you've made your statement. And also exposed yourself indecently. But still, you’ll be a University of Minnesota hero.
ergy to make it there. Take some time to recharge and crawl in the middle of the crosswalk to take a nap. People will honk at you, but it’s not like they’ll run over you, although maybe you wish they would. Pull out a bottle of Jack and take a sip. Tell those uptight policemen to shut up and continue your nap. No one will know what to do. As you fall into mental anguish, pull the rest of campus down with you. Show up to your final visibly intoxicated: Isn't there some psychological phenomenon that says you perform better on tests when you're shitfaced? Something about statedependent learning? Yeah, that sounds valid. So showing up to your final after polishing off an entire 30 rack is a great way to go down. You'll show up to the lecture hall barely able to walk. Your fellow students will stare at you in horror, but with a twinge of admiration, as you’re dragged out of there leaving a trail of vomit in your wake.
"Family, social networking and I don’t know. Downtime. Oh, and you can put partying down for me." - Andy, Freshman
"take some time to recharge and crawl in the middle of the sidewalk and take a nap. Pull out of a bottle of jack and take a sip."
Stealing an entire pizza from Duffy’s: At this point you're probably going to have to drop out of school anyway, so why not take that extra measure. Steal someone's pizza from them. You can either walk right in there and jack one off the table or you can hustle a delivery boy. No matter what your method is, you've successfully obtained a pizza without paying. And if you fail all your finals, at least you can say you've done that. Silver lining! Hijack the Campus Circulator: We've all realized by now that the campus shuttle service is crowded, unreliable and downright frustrating. You could do a better job if you wanted, right? So why not finally prove it? It's your time to shine. Next time the driver gets out to take his smoke break at the end of the line, hop up there and get in gear. You can drive that bus wherever you want, and you can do it better than any other driver could have dreamed. Fall asleep on the crosswalk 14th and 4th: You’re walking home from your latest brutal study session. The sweet smells of Dinkytown food are calling you. Potbelly? Qdoba? But you’re so weary you don’t think you have the en-
Break into House of Hanson and steal all of the energy drinks: If you're screwed for finals, why shouldn't everyone else be as well? Get rid of every last energy drink on campus and see how well everyone crams for their tests until 4 a.m.. The library will evolve from a clusterfuck of overly caffeinated people desperately trying to teach themselves material that they should have known all semester, to a graveyard. Without having Red Bull to coursing through their veins, everyone is done for. And you'll be able to laugh at them while you're arrested for breaking and entering. Only a minor setback, though, and you can probably take all those energy drinks with you. Most of us realize that by the time finals roll around, we've neglected work for too long to even attempt to study -accept your damnation, enter hell week with your balls to the walls. Seriously, go tape your nutsack to a wall. See what happens. Happy jailing!
"Staying in and relaxing." - Linsey, Freshman
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Quiz: What Late Night Food Option Are you?
4. Spicy food is… a) If it doesn’t hurt, I don’t want it. b) Like studying -- it’s okay in moderation. c) I like to taste my food, but I like the option of having it spicy.
7. a)2 b)3 c)1 8. a)2 b)1 c)3
answer key
7. Plate presentation is… a) Not important. It could be thrown in a bowl, blended, and served in a Dixie cup. As long as it tastes good, I don’t care. b) I really like a pretty plate, it’s part of the meal! Plus, I like to post pictures of everything I put in my face so all my friends can see how obnoxious I can be. c) I like my plate like I like my women/men: simple and round. 8. When you go out to eat, you want to meet… a) Every kind of person! The twilight hours are the best time to get to know the people I wouldn’t normally associate with (ever). b) I like to watch strange people -- I don’t like to talk, touch, or smell them. c) People of the night can be creepy, scary, and rather disgusting. I only associate with fabulous people, like myself.
5. a)2 b)1 c)3 6. a)2 b)3 c)1
3. You’re so broke you’re… a) Are you kidding? I have student loans for a reason: so I don’t have to eat “normal” food. b) Willing to eat anything, I mean anything. Seriously, does someone know where to get cheap (preferably free) food? I’m starving. c) Ambivalent if the bank is going to charge me out the ass when I overdraw my account. I need my fourth, and occasionally fifth, dinner.
6. After you eat, you want to… a) Jam out to an eclectic mix of awesome music. b) Look at all the pretty, pretty people. c) Go back to bed. There’s a reason I didn’t travel very far.
3. a)3 b)2 c)1 4. a)3 b)1 c)2
2. When you think of food, you think of… a) Vegetables! Nothing says “yum!” like not spilling the blood of animals! b) Everything from tacos to sushi; when you’re hungry you want anything and everything. Preferably on one plate. c) K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple Stupid. Acronyms are fun.
5. When it comes to distance, you’re willing to travel… a) I’m super lazy (and fat) and don’t like going too far from West Bank. b) If they can deliver, screw walking. Walking too far from campus makes me nervous (and sweaty). c) I LIVE for late night adventures! I don’t care if I have to walk, drive, or hitchhike. Nothing is keeping me from my nomnoms.
1. a)2 b)3 c)1 2. a)2 b)3 c)1
1. You get hungriest when… a) It’s late, the bars are closed, and you’re out of the raisins you’ve been munching on all night. b) You’ve been watching Food Network for too long and need something pretty to shove in your face. c) You’re looking at a freezer full of empty boxes and wrappers.
By: Nik Strand
8-13 Points: Pizza Lucé Just because you like the simple things in life doesn’t mean you have to give up being awesome. You’re Pizza Lucé, the best pizza in Minneapolis. You’re all about efficiency: being close and inexpensive while offering up some of the best late night grub anyone could ask for.
9-16 Points: Hard Times Café You’ve seen everything, and we mean everything. Late night brawls between bikers, hipsters, and drunks. Your vegan-friendly menu draws all walks of life, which always makes for an interesting time. Keep on keeping on, man.
17-24 Points: Chino Latino Your fashion sense is only comparable to that of your appetite: fabulous. You might like the finer things in life, and that’s okay, you make it work. You know how to draw in a crowd that you can associate with, and work very hard to please every last one of them.
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The Bar Grid Friday and Saturday! $2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
New Year's Eve Extravaganza Party Favors, Leis, Noise Makers and More! Champange Toast at Midnight! Ring in 2013 Right!
THURSDAY 12/13
9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
Thirsty Thursday! $2 U-Call-Its: 9pm - Close
AUC2D! (All-U-Care-2-Drink) (college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps, $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O Bombs, $3 Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers, $15 "Group Sex" Fishbowls
FRIDAY 12/14
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails Live Music 10pm - Close
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 7-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls, 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $4 Three Olives Mixers, $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands (7pm - Close)
SATURDAY 12/15
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 7-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $25 Fishbowls 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $6.50 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands, $4 Bacardi Mixers
SUNDAY 12/16
6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot): 4pm - Close
Closed on Sundays, But Don't Miss Happy Hour Mon-Fri: Happy Hour 3-8pm Mon.-Fri, & 4-8pm Sat. 2 for 1 on "almost" anything & $1 off appetizers
MONDAY 12/17
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Mason Jar Monday! $3 Bud & Bud Light, Double Wells, Double Jack and SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers
TUESDAY 12/18
8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
$3 U-Call-It's
WEDNESDAY 12/19
8pm - Close: 2-for-1's $3 Pitcher of Wings 10pm - Close
Wings N Things $0.29 Wings: 4pm - 10pm $2 Rails & Tier 1 Taps: e9pm - Close
$0.15 Wings 9pm 'til They're Gone! $8 Bottomless Mugs of Miller Lite, Wells and Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 Miller High Life Tall Boys
SPECIAL NIGHT
SUNDAY: 6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
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Rock in New Years Eve with Johnny! Monday, Dec. 31st We Got It All - Hats, Party Favors and Midnight Toast! DJ Velvet in the House
Legendary wild wednedays: college id night
The Bar Grid All Day, Every Day: Koozie Club Members Get $1 Off All Cans and Bottles when using their Koozie. Ask your server for details!
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday
SPECIAL NIGHT
2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Team Trivia from 9:30- Midnight
1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm
THURSDAY 12/13
Welcome to the Weekend! $2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10 - Close
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
FRIDAY 12/14
$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $4 Select Bombs: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
SATURDAY 12/15
Closed
Free Beer! During 1st Quarter of Noon, 3pm & 7pm Pro Football Games. $2 Kamis: 10pm - Close Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 12/16
Closed
Big Mug Monday! Free Beer During 1st Quarter of Monday Night Football $3 Lite & Premo, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2 & $3 Shots Game - Close
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers
MONDAY 12/17
Closed
2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 12/18
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
Legendary wild wednedays: college id night
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WEDNESDAY 12/19
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Captain and Jack Drinks $3 Domestic Tall Boys $4 1800 Silver and Reposado shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $4 Domestic Tall Boys, $3 Sauza Tequila shots, $3 Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
Power Hour 10pm - 12am: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles | Free Cocktail Hour: 11pm - 12am (w/ college ID) | $3 U-Call-It 11pm Close (Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails and Calls) $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
Power Hour 10pm - 12am: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles | Free Cocktail Hour: 11pm - 12am (w/ college ID) | $3 U-Call-It 11pm Close (Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails and Calls) $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
Home Alone
A Christmas Story
Take a drink any time a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Elf
Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.
Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.
The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when a bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug,” “Ebenezer,” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”
the madlib
page 13
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Your Last Night in Minneapolis
Finals are over. ____1____! So, you ____2____ and ____3____ at the ____4____. But there aren’t any ____5____ there, so get bored you run over to the ____6____. But you can’t find any of them there either. So you take your emergency PBR out of your pocket. Your friend ____7____ calls you up but your dizzy from the ____8____ that you ____9____ after (well, a little before) your last ____10____ final. But ____11____ doesn’t care. So you and ____12____ other people all pile into a ____13____ and go to ____14____. You are ____15____ so you ____16____ and your ____17____ turns ____18____. Your friends lead you into a room with ____19____ lights. It looks like there are ____20____ all over the ____21____.So you puke all over them. And you feel better. Now it’s time to party. ____22____! You’re dancing way better than all these motherfuckers! None of them seem to agree. Once the party dies down. You and ____23____ walk down to the Stone Arch Bridge. And you ____24____ on the beach. Then you realize there are like thirty other people there. So you all ____25____ and grab ____26____ under the moon. Most ____27____ night of your life?
1) Exclamation 2) Verb 3) Verb 4) Place in Minneapolis 5) Thing 6) Place in Minneapolis 7) Name of your friend 8) Alcoholic drink 9) Verb relating to alcoholic drinks 10) School subject 11) Name of your friend from #7 12) A number 13) Form of transport
14) Place 15) Adjective 16) Verb 17) Clothing item 18) Color 19) Number 20) Objects 21) Type of furniture 22) A word you exclaim when you’re ready to party 23) Love interest 24) Verb you would do with more than one person 25) Verb 26) Plural noun 27) Adjective
real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8 a.m.? Well say hello to an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong. Better get that back, chief.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts, and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist. Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holidays for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you couldn't give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.
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