Minnesota - Issue 1 - 1/24/2013

The Black Sheep

fr e ch e... ill lik on e t yo he c ur oo ch l ee 26 k t de hi gr s m ee or wi ni nd ng !

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 4, Issue 1 1/24/13 - 1/30/13

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn

winter reports: “I’ve Got Some Crazy crap Planned This Year” Alexandra Adams wrote this

Hey there, Minnesota. It’s me again. Don’t you remember me? Winter? The thing that prevented you from getting to your car last week? The force that held up the Campus Connector for fifteen additional minutes and made you royally late to class? I just wanted to extend the courtesy of warning you that I’m back. 2013 has inspired me to get sub-polar.

Students, get out your parkas and snow boots because this year is going to get wild.

It’s high time to be reminded why this is Minnesnowta. Oh yes. I’m talking snowstorms, icicles, and a dramatic lack of sunshine. Aw yeah, the temperature’s going waaaay down.

It’s going to be scarves, boots, mittens, gloves, hats, and earmuffs weather. Simultaneously. You just wait, Minnesota.

I’m coming for you.

Last year everyone complained that there “just wasn’t enough snow” and that I “ruined Christmas.” First off, Disney ruined Christmas and we all know it (I’m looking straight at you, Santa Clause 3). I kind of expected you guys to be thankful for the mild winter. I was giving you a tropical departure.

But apparently, that somehow “offended” all of you. So this year, I’ve decided to give you bitches what you deserve: Hell.

Frozen over. You really shouldn’t have been so mad that I took it slow for Winter 2011/2012.

I’ve got one word for you all: chill. Get it? Because I’m Winter? I bet you never even knew I liked puns. You're all too focused on how my temperature “makes you feel.” What is this? Smile-time sharing hour? Let’s just discuss our feelings and pretend we don’t know that “She doesn’t even go here!”

Or let’s not. Toughen up, assholes.

Prepare to be ass-flat on the sidewalk. Yes, I really do love to see you fall. When I coat your streets with sheets of ice after a passive aggressive, bipolar temperature jump, I do it ON PURPOSE. I just can’t get enough of you dummies failing to walk correctly. As a season, I get bored. I have to do something to make things more interesting. All in all, what’s some frostbite or a broken ankle to you? Probably not even that big of a deal. But for me, your pain is my pure pleasure.

And yet, all you do is complain about me.

All the Things You'll Miss About Break

Honestly, you're all massively inconsiderate, Ugg-clad assholes. Have you ever stopped to think how your bad attitude affects me, your good old pal, Winter? You need to stop being so damn self-absorbed (way to be stereotypical college kids) and consider my point of view. How do you think I feel in mid-February? Obviously, I get pretty down when I see that you all hate me by then. Tweets can hurt, you guys.

what'’s inside

top 10 Ways to Feel Really Good About Yourself

Everything. But also lots of other things.

Okay, so alcohol is included, but it doesn't compose the entire list...

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Well, guess what Minnesota? I’m sick of your rotten attitude.

All y’all haters can expect Snowpocalypse 2: Return of the Frozen Water. You all best start buying hot cocoa, mittens, and whisky in bulk. I am really going to ramp it up, kids. You better not freaking “cold shoulder” me this time, because that’s my job. While you all shiver and freeze, I am going to sit back, kick back, and chill. In summary, you tools should be prepared, ‘cause I'm about to go frozen-enema on all your pretty little buttholes.

Are You Smarter Than Joe? He's a pretty damn intelligent burrito-craftsman.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5: Spielberg Releases Shittler's List

page 5

And it's already nominated for the 2014 academy awards.

page 6: from the streets what would you do if this was your last semester on break?

page 7: Bar Star’s Manifesto

Table of

Every man’s gots to have a code...

page 10: Dr. Fakelove Or, how i learned to stop caring and fake having a girlfriend.

pages 13: We Interview: Bear in Heaven ur chat with the Brooklyn band got kind of deep, then jet skiing with Michelle Obama came up.

page 13

page three ! k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Highrant:

A person who is like, really stingy with letting someone borrow a bowl, man.

“Pat, don’t be such a highrant, I just need to smoke a little so I can catch some z’s tonight, dude.”

Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart

photographer It COULD be you!

Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising ManagerS Hannah Comer, Eddie Lund

owner Atish Doshi

Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Brady Knutson, Nik Strand Ryan Tomkins, Zack Chase

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone

distribution manager Eddie Lund

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC

2130 W. Potomac Ave., Suite 1, Chicago, IL 60622

When it’s freezing outside, might as well have a pool party inside!

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Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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Expresso Expose Bordertown Coffee Dinkytown Tattoo Magus Books & Herbs The Purple Onion Burrito Loco Library Vescios Annies Bona Hong Kong Noodles Stub and Herbs Sally’s Brothers Blarney Pub & Grill Sydney Hall Apts & 412 Loft Station 280 508 Bar Mesa Pizza Big 10 Tea garden Campus Pizza University

Commons Smalley's 87 Club Whiskey Park Bootleggers!

North Star Apartments Cowboy Slims Stadium View Apartments Deja Vu Loring Pasta Bar Buffalo Wild Wings Solhaus Apartments Floco The Ugly Mug Applebees The Cafeteria (Uptown) Bar Abilene (Uptown) Grand Marc Apartments/ Seven Corners The Corner Bar The Republic

The Loop The Bulldog NE Tan sol Spa Qdoba Pizza Hut Toppers Pizza Chilly Billy's Noodles and Company Raising Canes Steady Tattoo and Body Piercing CPM Property Management Bar Louie Cabooze Cowboy Jack's University Life Care Center Smoke Dale Tobacco Kitty Cat Club Sporty's The Hole Otter Saloon Legends Bar and Grill

US Bank Aurora Center CSL Plasma Bar Abilene Walter Library Rec Center Carlson School Of Management Hanson Hall/ Starbucks Willey Hall Papa Johns (Eating Area) Wilson Library/ Dunn Bros Boynton Student Health Services St. Paul Student Center Appleby Hall Murphy Hall GREEK HOUSES! BINS ON CAMPUS!

The

page 4

Top 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Ways to Feel Really Good About Yourself

10.) Stand next to a bunch of fourth graders: Literally anything they say or do will not be better than, “I live in a house with my friends and have 10 dollars in my pocket! Also, I get to eat Subway and Panda Express whenever I want.” Seriously, who cares that Jimmy won Ms. Traxler’s “poetry prize”?

9.) Take a twelve second stroll through SuperBlock: Seeing the confused faces of the drunken youth is oddly inspiring. It’s weird that these freshmen are not any less idiotic by second semester. Being in the same area as these underlings will remind you that you OVERCAME. Yes, that should do it.

8.) Go to hot yoga: Don’t do hot yoga - just go sit in on a class. Sitting on the sidelines enjoying a good healthful schvitz in that complimentary sauna will do wonders for your ego (and waistline). Especially since those other morons are bending into pretzels and braids that you both know they will never get out of.

7.) Vodka: Ah, clear and clean, just like your conscience. If you drink enough vodka, you won’t remember murdering the hobo in that Dinkytown alley.

Welcome Back! here All the

Things You Already Miss About Break McKinley Johnson wrote this Here we are again at the start of a new semester. Shit, winter break just seemed to fade away right as you started to forget about Goldy and the weird freshman girl from SuperBlock who stalked you all fall semester. You delve back into the fray of Economics 101 and late nights with the hot threesome of you, your textbooks, and a desk.

Because it’s always darkest before the dawn, let’s get depressing and recount all those wonderful things from home you’ll be missing as you stare blankly out the hazy window at The Purple Onion, wondering if you even have time for a coffee.

Drinking: responsibly, of course. One of the great parts of being off campus and around other irresponsible adults with nothing to do for a whole month is that alcohol will almost always be involved. Drinking is a part of the welcome home experience at the illustrious ma-and-pa hotel, with friends, parents, even old high school associates like that bitch Karen, who stole your man after he got his license sophomore year.

6.) Rum: Captain Morgan, Sailor Jerry, Admiral Nelson. These call-backs to the days of piracy on the seven seas remind you that you saved a lot of money not paying for HBO by downloading season one of Girls.

5.) Tequila… at least for the first seven or eight shots: The Black Sheep is not in any way responsible for what happens to you after that. Seriously, that shit’s on you.

4.) Trick all your roommates into believing that you didn’t eat all the Pop-Tarts: You don’t even like wildberry, okay? Plus, you never even get the munchies. It was definitely that bitchy black cat from across the street, it’s time you knock that glorified feline off its high horse anyway. If you make any of that work, you’re an effing god.

3.) Go to a class that you are way too intelligent for: You will think less about last weekend when all your friends somehow legitimately convinced you that you were “totally lucid dreaming, like, right now” and more about how cerebral you really are. A freshman lecture, seminar, or anything offered at Augsburg will do.

2.) Go to a Dungeons & Dragons game that you’re way too dumb for: If those nerds are are so good with computers, why are they playing a dice game anyway?

Bask in the glow of taped glasses and pocket protectors. You can enjoy the truly irrefutable glory of knowing that you’ve gotten laid more than all of them put together, even if it’s only once.

One thing you’re missing already is the lack of the crimson-clad packs of bros that roam the streets of Dinkytown, always on the lookout for a new convert or a poor, naïve freshmen to turn out. At home you could easily walk through your own neighborhood without seeing cans and condoms littering a yard, or drunk-hollerin’ bros at 9 a.m. on a Wednesday.

For those poor souls roped into the “relationship,” this is one of the few times it will pay off. Yes, we’re talking about the dirty deed, the sex, the getting down, as kids say. Home affords you the opportunity to get it in on old swing sets, kiddie pools, regular pools, hell, even your parents’ bedroom.None of them will ever be thought of the same way again. Now that you’re back in the Twin Cities you’re revisiting old freak haunts like Minnehaha Falls, Howe Elementary, Bancroft, and Sibley Park. But…but everyone’s had a late-night tryst at these locations. It’s like you’re not even a closet freak anymore But perhaps the worst thing of all, the one thing that will have you waking up from ramen-fever induced dreams… You’ll be yearning for the elixir to the wounded soul filled with cynicism and alcohol. Home cooking. Love ballads could have been written about your mother’s lunches (peanut butter jelly time?). A plate of your mother’s dumplings could start World War III. But nothing, and we do mean nothing, not even Mesa Pizza, can top your dad’s homemade fried chicken and cornbread, with greens on the side. The meals made at home are made of legends and by some weird phenomenon they never taste as good when you’re somewhere else. But no, now they’re gone. Gone! Lost in the ethereal sadness that is Jimmy John’s runs and late-night Taco Bell, only to resurface when you drag yourself home for Easter or (gasp!) summer! Or…uh…spring break, if you’re kinda a total loser.

You may have to replace all these things with their lesser-college equivalent, but as sure as this winter is over we’ll all go back to drinking the finest booze while secretly sexing up our partners in the most obscure locations.

1.) Watch any reality TV show: If overly hair-gelled men with fake tans, a child that refers to herself as Honey-Boo Boo (child), or The Real Housewhores (housewives – but it’s not like the marriages last) can’t make you feel like a living saint by comparison, it’s probably too late for you anyway.

Alexandra Adams wrote this

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Spielberg Releases Shittler’s List

Already Nominated for 2014 Academy Awards tex mex wrote this Immediately following the nomination announcements for the 2013 Academy Awards in which Steven Spielberg’s biopic Lincoln received 12 nominations, the veteran director leaked a previously unannounced film via an obscure website titled “shittlerslist.org.” Taking place entirely in his master bathroom, the film features Spielberg sitting on a toilet and defecating for 90 minutes, interrupted only by an occasional food break and scratching of his testicles. The avant garde sensation has been dubbed “a masterpiece of high ingenuity in modern art” and “the most thought-provoking and influential piece of American film making since Citizen Kane.”

Despite being only a few weeks into the new year, the Academy has already awarded preliminary nominations for Shittler’s List including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Actor in a Leading Role, Best Original Screenplay, and Makeup and Hairstyling for the 2014 Oscar’s ceremony.

“It really all just came to me in a dream,” proclaimed the criticallylauded filmmaker. “All of my films have been of such epic proportions … I really just wanted something that felt a little closer to home. The bathroom is, to me, a sacred place of security, higher thought, and reflection. Plus, I just really needed to take a shit.”

Reports estimate that Spielberg spent a total of 200 million on the self-released magnum opus, with most of the funding going towards a series of highly experimental 3D Imax HD cameras newly capable of Smell-O-Vision. All other expenses were put toward catering and food services from Taco Bell, which set Spielberg’s production costs back another $15.96. With most of this funding coming entirely from out-ofpocket financing, many fellow directors and icons within the entertainment industry are labeling the director as “America’s finest patron of the arts” in recent memory.

Longtime collaborator and friend, George Lucas, expressed only the utmost support and enthusiasm for Spielberg’s overnight triumph.

“Steven is a visionary. He knows what America wants, and I think now is the time that we as a people can appreciate something as revolutionary as Shittler’s List, skeptics be damned. In fact, I remember this one time back in the 70s when we were doing our celebratory huffing of the paint after Jaws and Star Wars changed the face of the world – we did this pretty often – and Steve comes up to me and tells me that he has a third nipple. And I was like all, ‘Yeah right’ and stuff, and he up and pulls off his shirt right in front of me, and lo and behold, the guy’s got this like, an extra piece of nipple-skin just above his belly button. Shit was fucking weird.”* Several film aficionados have congregated on movie critique site Rotten Tomatoes in order to share their reactions on the movie’s sure-fire tugging and pulling of America’s heart strings. One commenter wrote that she was “in tears” by the time she got to the “wiping scene,” which is up for review by the American Film Institute for their upcoming 100 Years…100 Heartbreaks list. Another user drew attention to the “sophistication” of the cinematography during the bit when “Spielberg accidentally trips and knocks over one of the cameras after getting up to stretch.”

There is some controversy brewing over the alleged “masturbation debacle” in which Spielberg fondles his genitals onscreen for 12 minutes.

The director has addressed these claims, stating that it was just “a very, very persistent itch” that he was attempting to stroke away. The MPAA took these criticisms into account when rating the film, but under the circumstances that deemed the scene as “artistically sound and genuinely innocent,” Shittler’s List’s will run theatrically as PG once the film debuts worldwide next summer.

Veteran film critic Leonard Maltin has praised the film, awarding it 4 out of 4 stars, citing that Spielberg’s take on scatological cinema has indubitably opened hundreds of doors for increased expression and social commentary. Along with his interpretations regarding the film’s minimalism reflecting the inner machinations of the post-modern existential man, Maltin has also declared the film as “a remarkably refreshing take on Spielberg’s readily apparent criticism toward the ‘crap’ that has been released by CGI-obsessed directors like Michael Bay and James Cameron.” The film has also secured a spot in the National Film Registry for being "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.”

Spielberg has potentially alluded to retiring after the success of his latest release, stating that he has finally done all that he can to perfect modern filmmaking, and it’s up to the next generation of young filmmakers to “quit it with the ‘Californian-film-school-artsy-fartsy-prolificdirector’ mumbo jumbo and just stop giving a shit.” *It was later confirmed that Mr. Lucas was, at the time of the interview, high on lead-based paint.

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What would you do if this was your last semester on earth?

"Wouldn't everyone do the same thing? Loot, pillage, and have lots of unprotected sex."- Eric, Freshman

"Finish Breaking Bad." - Zach, Freshman

"Sleep very little, dance every day, and travel to every continent."

- Justin, Senior

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 7

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The Bar Star’s Manifesto tbs staff wrote this

So you wanna be a Bar Star? Well grab your snapback and hold the hell onto it because you’re about to get a crash course in being a Boss-Hog-Alpha-Male-Snatch-Wrangler. Follow this guide and you’ll be King of the Brothers in no time. That’s right, welcome to the big leagues, bro.

First, make sure you’re looking like a boss. Does your Affliction t-shirt have at least eight skulls floating around some SICK barbed wire iron crucifix on it? Check. Do your $300 blue jeans inexplicably have fleur-de-lis on the butt pockets? Chicketycheck. White Pumas for the gentleman who refuses to compromise, and demands a shoe that screams both style and androgyny? Check and mate! Now, have you used an entire bottle of gel to make your hair into a unicorn horn? Oh, you better believe that’s a check!

Now that you look like a million bucks, it’s time to spend that much at the bar. A true Bar Star drinks nothing but top shelf liquor. No way would a baaawse like Ricky Rozay lead you wrong. Plus, if there’s any honeys around it’s important to really shout the top shelf part because, you know, chicks love that ca-lassy shit.

This next one goes without saying: order shots. You secretly think alcohol tastes icky, and shots get it down the hatch pronto, Tonto. Take that shot and let everyone know you’re counting down the days until Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is back by making a face so uncomfortable it’s like a shirtless Steve Buscemi just hugged you from behind. But don’t chase it, only weak women chase things. Then, slam that glass down and roar like you’re Mufasa on Pride Rock, you big beautiful lion.

Roaring is key. It intimidates the lesser men (i.e. everyone) and lets the broads know you mean business, loud and over-com-

pensating business. For good measure, scream out something cool that will make everyone like and respect you, like “Turnt up!” (in a 2 Chainz voice, naturally).

At this point someone might throw a bottle at your head saying, “It’s one in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Shut up, spazz.”

Don’t let it stop you; brush off the haters and shine on like the bedazzles on your shirt, you crazy little diamond; they’re just threatened by your steez.

Speaking of steez, having the right attitude is important if you want to be the big dog. Having a conversation isn’t cool -- a bunch of blow and wearing Oakleys indoors is cool. Cut out that lame getting to know people stuff and stick to leaning against the bar shouting out random onomatopoeias, “Boom blakow!” is a personal favorite.

Now, if some jabroni eyeballs you the wrong way, or you run out of onomatopoeias, simply start a fight. If there’s one thing that establishes Bar Stardom and gets ladies falling all over you it’s getting your Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on over some real petty stuff. It’ll show the bitties you’re even more spontaneous, dangerous, and exciting than your barbed wire tat already leads on.

This should also go without saying, but when you’re looking for some mouth-breather cruising for a bruising make sure he is much smaller than you and cannot defend himself. If this joker’s big and scary, then avoid actually fighting and just shout, “Hold me back!” a lot to your party posse. Then after the chump walks away you can all safely call him a pussy. Yeah, you know the drill.

“But why’s a boozing, babe-slaying pirate king like yourself sharing all your secrets?” you’re surely asking yourself in a less

masculine voice than mine. Well, maybe I’m getting sentimental about my legacy in my ninth year of college, maybe my liver has finally quit on me, or maybe I’m just not allowed in the majority of Dinkytown bars anymore. They say they'll take me out back and beat me with a tube sock full of pennies, but I can fend off like, eight of those bitches.

My reasons aren’t important. What is important is that you go be the Bar Star this city needs. Wherever a butt is creepily pinched, you’ll be there. Wherever someone takes a bump off a filthy toilet seat in a bar, you’ll be there. Wherever someone is throwing up inside a bar but denies it immediately after and keeps violently dancing, you’ll be there.

Godspeed, dawg.

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The Bar Grid Friday and Saturday! $2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS IN January: $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light

THURSDAY 1/24

9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands

Thirsty Thursday! $2 U-Call-Its: 9pm - Close

AUC2D! (All-U-Care-2-Drink) (college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps, $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O Bombs, $3 Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers, $15 "Group Sex" Fishbowls

FRIDAY 1/25

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails Live Music 10pm - Close

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Late Nite Happy Hour: 8-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls, 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $4 Three Olives Mixers, $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands (7pm Close), $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light

SATURDAY 1/26

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Late Nite Happy Hour: 8-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $25 Fishbowls 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $6.50 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands, $4 Bacardi Mixers $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light

SUNDAY 1/27

6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys

Sunday Funday!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot): 4pm - Close

Closed on Sundays, But Don't Miss Happy Hour Mon-Fri: Happy Hour 3-8pm Mon.-Fri, & 4-8pm Sat. 2 for 1 on "almost" anything & $1 off appetizers

MONDAY 1/28

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close

Flippin' Drinks!

Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Mason Jar Monday! $3 Bud & Bud Light, Double Wells, Double Jack and SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers

TUESDAY 1/29

8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

$3 U-Call-It's

WEDNESDAY 1/30

8pm - Close: 2-for-1's $3 Pitcher of Wings 10pm - Close

Wings N Things $0.29 Wings: 4pm - 10pm $2 Rails & Tier 1 Taps: e9pm - Close

$0.15 Wings 9pm 'til They're Gone! $8 Bottomless Mugs of Miller Lite, Wells and Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 Miller High Life Tall Boys

SPECIAL NIGHT

SUNDAY: 6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys

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FRIDAY! Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Captain and Jack Drinks, $3 Domestic Tall Boys, $4 1800 Silver and Reposado shots

Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close

The Bar Grid All Day, Every Day: Koozie Club Members Get $1 Off All Cans and Bottles when using their Koozie.

Ask your server for details!

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday

SPECIAL NIGHT

$0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)

Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Team Trivia from 9:30- Midnight

1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm

THURSDAY 1/24

Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Captain and Jack Drinks, $3 Domestic Tall Boys, $4 1800 Silver and Reposado shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM LADIES DRINK FREE (LADIES NIGHT) 10pm to Midnight!

Welcome to the Weekend! $2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Grain Belt Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close

Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10 - Close

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

FRIDAY 1/25

Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!

$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm

Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

SATURDAY 1/26

Closed

Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm

Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers

45 Cent Wings All Day

SUNDAY 1/27

Closed

Big Mug Monday! $3 Lite & Grain Belt, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties (10pm - close) $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)

Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers

2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers

MONDAY 1/28

Closed

2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm FREE Taco Bar: 4pm - 6pm 1/2 Price Appetizers: 4pm - 6pm

Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers

$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer!

7pm-9pm

TUESDAY 1/29

Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close

Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

WEDNESDAY 1/30

LADIES DRINK FREE (LADIES NIGHT) 10pm to Midnight!

Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!

All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM

$4 Domestic Tall Boys, $3 Sauza Tequila shots, $3 Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM

$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft

(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)

Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!

2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close

$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Dr. Fakelove, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Fake Having a Girlfriend black sheep staff wrote this So, life has you down? Classes a grind? Depressed because you can’t figure out where Jamba Juice is located? It’s going to be okay, if only your friends would stop asking you when you’re going to get a girlfriend or boyfriend! Maybe you don’t want one -- you’re a big beautiful truck who don’t need no man. But shit, people are really persistent when it comes to this sort of thing. They start to ask questions, like, “Why did you get two burritos if you’re just going home alone?” (that question answers itself, doesn’t it?) or, “Do you do anything besides run a Madden franchise and write comedy articles?” (the Dolphins aren’t going to lead themselves out of mediocrity). Well, enough is enough. The Black Sheep has dug through the middle school playbook and found the perfect solution: you’re going to invent a signifcant other.

“But The Black Sheep,” you begin. Let us interject; it’s Dr. The Black Sheep. We did not get our doctorate in comedy to be addressed as “The Black Sheep.” “But Dr. The Black Sheep, isn’t it dangerous to have a fake boo? Notre Dame just had a big scandal with Manti Te’o!”

To that we say, eh, maybe. The thing you have to keep in mind is that you’re not a star linebacker at the largest football program in the country. You are not a blip on anyone’s radar. If the world were UMN, your significance as an individual would be about equal to those fliers for dubstep shows that get passed around on campus. Plus, we’re not going to make the mistakes that those Fighting Irish scrubs did.

First, no high profile schools for your fake ladyfriend or boytoy. Stanford? Easily verified, has a significant alumni pool, maybe overly ambitious (seriously, you’re you, why would anyone who got into a good school want to be your internet date?). Nothing doing there, shoot for something more obscure, but believable. It should be reasonably far away to explain why they don’t visit, intriguing enough to spin a story around, and common enough to where people don’t poke around too much. For the sake of this article, let’s pretend your fake hook-up goes to… Wyoming. It helps to know about the university

that you’re pretending to date someone from, so Wyoming’s mascot is the Cowboys, it’s located in Laramie, and Dick Cheney went to school there. This should be enough to keep anyone from thinking it’s just something that you made up. “Your girlfriend goes to Wyoming?”

“Yep, she’s a big Cowboys fan and Dick Cheney went there!” “Fair enough, I totally believe she exists!” *high five*.

Second, no fake social media accounts. One, you’d have to interact with it, which is just depressing. It’s the technological equivalent of practicing kissing with your pillow (Ed. note: As the staff consists solely of sexhavers, we cannot confirm whether or not people still kiss their pillows). Two, it leads to questions: “Why did this social media account just come into existence? Why don’t they have a lot of friends? Why are all of their profile pics airbrushed or just stock images of flowers?”

Remember, you created a fake girlfriend or boyfriend to avoid answering questions about your personal life; the last thing you want to do is talk about someone else’s life, especially when they don’t exist in the first place. If anyone questions why the ethereal hookup has no social media presence, explain that they’re pretty much the biggest hipster you know, which is why they’re going to Wyoming. It’s ironic.

Keep everything simple and you won’t have to juggle lies.

Third, have an exit strategy. You can milk the long-distance-fakepartner for about three months, but then you gotta ditch that fake bitch. You’ll be given about a month of grieving time after that by the people around you. You won’t actually be sad, but fake it. It’ll make the whole thing believable, and people like to feel like they’ve given you some sort of unconditional support. You may wonder, “Why three months?” Well, that’s about the time you’ll have before people start asking, “So when is he/she going to visit?” Tell people you have Skype dates to keep in touch, and use this time to take up a hobby, like woodworking, or ball handling (in hopes of walking onto the Gophers next season) (Ed. note: It’s much easier to walk on as a shooter than a point guard, everyone needs a guy who can stand in the corner and

make threes). Eventually, what you’re going to want to do is have one of these Skype dates “go wrong” (do not practice your hobby that night, you don’t want to explain to people why you have a whittling kit out in your apartment) and then call a friend, distraught over your long-distance relationship. Your friend may smugly reassure you that it was a bad idea to ever get involved with someone over the internet, especially long distance; this is good, because they will be too busy patting themselves on the back to examine anything too closely.

If it all goes smoothly, people might even recognize that yes, you are a human being capable of having human feelings for another human, and therefore not feel the need to worry about your sex life! Sure, it might seem like a lot of work for a few months without people bugging you about your significant other, but you can’t put a price on peace of mind.

now hiring!

Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

are you smarter than? joe, a burrito loco burrito creator

1) Math: What is six squared minus nine squared? __________________________________________________ 2) War: The 1940 Battle of Britain was fought between the United Kingdom and this country? __________________________________________________ 3) Chemistry: What is the second element listed on the periodic table? __________________________________________________ 4) TV: Who co-created Seinfeld with comedian Jerry Seinfeld? __________________________________________________ 5) Geography: What is the highest peak in North America? __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________ 7) Religion: Purportedly, what did Mormon founder Joseph Smith translate the Book of Mormon from? __________________________________________________ 8) Fashion: What renown designer had a fashion line at Target from 2002-2008? __________________________________________________ 9) Quotations: Who famously said, "England expects that every man will do his duty."? __________________________________________________ 10) Music: What is the title of the Justin Timberlake single released on January 14th, 2013? __________________________________________________

1) -45 2) Germany 3) Helium 4) Larry David 5) Denali/Mt. McKinley 6) "Al Dente" 7) Golden Plates 8) Isaac Mizrahi 9) Admiral Horatio Nelson 10) "Suit & Tie"

correct answers

6) Cooking: "To the tooth" is the English translation of what cooking phrase?

joe'’s answers 1) …uhh… negative… point 8? I was thinking square root.

2) Germany 3) Helium 4) Oh crap I knew this one too… Uh, the guy who made

Curb Your Enthusiasm!

5) Mt. McKinley?

6) What?

7) A hat 8) No clue.

9) Horatio?

10) No idea.

joe's score: 4/10 correct

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Tits and beer! Can you think of a better combination? This game will now give you an excuse to check out some boobs without having to worry about looking like a creep, all while getting drunk. Sounds like a win-win to us.

You might hear a lot of talk about chips being drunk food, but that does not have to be the case. With a little ingenuity and elbow-grease, chips can be utilized to create a cheap and delicious main course for any drunken occasion.

tits

What You’ll Need: 13 cups, beer pong table, 2 ping pong balls Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: Depends on the size of your tits, and how well you can use them.

How to Play: - Divide the players up into two teams of two players.

- Each team sets up on either with players on opposite corners of the table. For example, Team A would have one player on the right near corner of the table, and one player on the far left corner of the table.

- In front of each player is a three-cup pyramid. Place a cup filled with beer in the center of the table.

- In order to sink a cup, a team member must bounce the ball once on the table, bounce off the tits or chest of the other teammate, and fall in one of the three cups.

- When this happens the opponent on the same side must drink the sunk cup and “flip cup” it before s/he may shoot again.

- When a team no longer has any of their opponents’ cups in front of them, they may shoot for the middle cup.

- A team can only win when they double bounce the ping pong ball into the middle cup.

- The losing team then has to drink the final cup.

Next time you’re with some girls or guys and you want an excuse to check out or be checked out, this game is a winner! Just make sure to compliment the girl on her skills; girls love the compliment.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Chip Explosion

What You’ll Need: Chips of many kind, cheese, sour cream, beef, and anything else you would like to add.

Cook Time: 20 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Depends on if you include Cool Ranch Doritos or not.

Directions: - Begin by cooking up some beef on the stove. You can use any meat you want, but we’ll go with beef. “B” is for beginners.

- While the beef is cooking, take all of your different kinds of chips and place them into a bowl.

- Sprinkle cheese onto the chips and place it in the microwave for 2 minutes.

- After ensuring that the cheese is melted, pour the beef into the bowl and add sour cream.

- Add any other food you want into your very own chip casserole.

The secret to making this dish extra good is to buy as many different kinds of chips as possible. With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day just behind us, remember that diversity is the key!

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

passing the bar If you're too cool for Keystone or stopped bonging Busch Lights months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank beer labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.

we interview:

bear in heaven

Brooklyn-based band Bear in Heaven has a sound that you can't quite put your finger on. A bit of rock and a bit of electronic noise with a psychedelic undertone gives these guys a totally unique sound. Their music might not be so easily definable, but when we got to chat with head honcho Jon Philpot, it was clear that cool dudes make cool music. We go to chat with Philpot about a whole range of things, from the meaning of the band name to ridin' jet skis. You know it's a good chat when jet skiing comes up.

The Black Sheep: How'd you get started playing music?

Jon Philpot: I went to college and bought a guitar and basically it just went from there, I just kept playing music. I didn't know what I was doing, and then I started making noise music and trance, and then went into more normal music. I played piano when I was a little kid but I hated it. I hate piano lessons, like having to learn something. Kids were outside playing and you were inside trying to play this stupid song that you didn't like.

TBS: You never get to play cool songs during piano lessons.

JP: Yeah! I wanted to learn, like, Prince songs, or something like that.

TBS: Where'd you grow up?

JP: I grew up in Marietta, Georgia. It was good, it was peaceful. There were trees and creeks and dirt bike jumps and that kind of shit. But living there, you hit a wall, and you want to be a punk-rock kid and you just look like an idiot because you're out in the sticks.

TBS: Did growing up Georgia have any influence on the music you play now?

JP: Oh, definitely. There was a lot of strange, one-thing-leads-to-another kind of situations. I had an internship with this record label called Table of Elements, this minimal, experimental label. They specialized in early minimalism, just some freaking-ass art. For some unknown reason to me, they moved their offices to Georgia. I thought it'd be a good idea to intern at this record label, and I learned a great deal about not just art music, but art itself, from these folks, and that kind of set my sail in that direction. It was eye opening, and I think if I lived somewhere else where there was a multitude of options instead of just this one, weird group of people, then I would've done something else.

TBS: Is there an explanation behind the name Bear in Heaven?

JP: There's a constellation with a bear in it, and there's also the philosophy that everything that you do and everything you take here on Earth is what you'll bear in heaven.

TBS: Could you compare Bear in Heaven to any other bands?

JP: Comparing is a hard one. I'm not even going to toot my own horn, and to say that we're "unique" is out of naivety. We approach music in sort of a non-standard way. Our music starts in many different ways, but the one thing we've always done is made sure that we're not doing anything that sounds like something that's happening, we try to stay away from that. We steer clear of the pop music form, but we're sort of opening our doors up to all different forms.

TBS: Is there a story behind your latest album title, I Love You, It's Cool? It seems kind of sad, or something.

JP: It's a little loaded, that one. It embodies a lot of emotions that were happening with us at that time. It was oddly given to us by one of our ex-bandmates, he wrote these notes and he wrote one to me, and hid it underneath some of my gear. It said "Dear Jon, I love you, it's cool." The reality of it that there's this kind of double meaning, you can sense the lament but also the actual positivity that I think all of us were feeling at that time. It's nice, it's a nice sentiment.

TBS: If you weren't making music for a living, what do you think you'd be doing?

JP: Editing television and film, that's what I do now when I'm not making music, so I'd just be doing a lot more of that. If I wasn't doing that, I'd probably be chillin', maybe boating?

Maybe some jet skis? I'd be doing that.

TBS: Would you rather: Michelle Obama or Sarah Palin?

TBS: Michelle Obama. Well, depends what the spin on it is. If it was go hunting, I'd say Sarah Palin. If it was to have a party, I'd invite Michelle Obama.

TBS: Who would you rather go jet skiing with?

JP: Can I pick both of them? Sandwiched in-between them? That'd be amazing.

TBS: What's your spirit animal?

JP: I'd say a dog. An American mutt, you know? A cross between a beagle and a golden retriever, like a fast frisbee dog.

TBS: What your drink of choice?

JP: Mescal.

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

winter x games January 24th - 27th on ESPN

The winter X Games are upon us once again, starting Thursday afternoon and lasting through Sunday night. Indulge in insane winter sports like men's and women's superpipe or big air. If you have the luxury of a 3D TV, prepare to have your mind blown watching athletes flip around in your face.

movie 43 out January 25th

A series of 12 short films follow three kids as they scour the wild wild west that is the internet to find the most banned, offensive movie in the world. This film stars one of the biggest ensemble casts ever, from Kate Winslet to Richard Gere and every level of celebrity in between. Let's hope the plot doesn't rely too heavily on that.

local natives - hummingbird out January 27th

It's about damn time the geniuses in Local Natives released another studio album, their second, Hummingbird. After coming off an impressive debut album from early 2010, these guys don't seem to stray much from their heartfelt sound of folk-rock in their latest album. Check out their singles "Heavy Feet" and "Breakers."

can you

spot the difference?

Well, geesh, can you?

Send us the seven differences you found to differences@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.

the crossword: Games Across 3) Can you really kill someone with a candlestick?

4) You get five of a kind and you yell this.

7) Normally played on a board that comes in a

faux-suitcase.

8) A jumbo-sized one can be found in bars.

11) A letter gets picked, then you go to town.

13) Learn how to be a greedy businessman.

14) A card game sometimes known as the legal drinking age.

17) Do they wear glasses?

18) If you’re good at lying, you’re great at this.

19) Classic computer card game, played solo.

20) If you suck at drawing you probably hate this game.

Down 1) You’re a dick if you play a 3-letter word.

2) Try to get three of a kind, or three in a row.

5) “Hey, what’s trump again?”

6) It’s a game where you describe things without saying what it is! Everyone gets super loud!

9) Way more exciting than real fishing.

10) A type of poker game from this state, y’all.

12) Uses a particular set of cards, all colorful and stuff.

14) Also a terrible movie featuring Rihanna.

15) King me!

16) The ultimate strategy game (for nerds).

18) Every grandma plays this card game.

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY

EVERYTHING IS 2-4-1!

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